Can regular sex prevent an affair?

Some have gone so far as to say that regular sex “affair-proofs” a marriage. I don’t buy that.

We are responsible for ourselves. Day by day, we each decide to fulfill our vows or break them. Our spouse’s behavior can make that decision easier or harder, but they never make the decision for us, nor can we guarantee our mate’s fidelity.

In fact, if someone feels done with the marriage enough to be with someone else, they should be honest and first leave. Am I suggesting someone leave a marriage? No. The ideal is fixing the marriage you’re in, the one you chose and committed to. If you’re wanting to cheat, you need to rethink where your marriage is and get help.

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However, if plan to be with someone else anyway, for heaven’s sake, don’t add a pack of lies to your choice! It won’t end well.

If you cheat on your spouse, that’s on you. It’s your sin, not theirs. Remember that as you read the rest of this post.

Can regular sex decrease temptation?

On the other hand, a satisfying sex life within the marriage can boost our resistance to temptation. Let’s look at the evidence—both biblical and physiological.

Biblical Viewpoint

1 Corinthians 7:5 is the famous Do Not Deprive verse, which wasn’t intended to convey what your spouse owes you as much as convincing married couples that sex should be happening and mutual. But the part we’re focusing on today is how sex and temptation interact:

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:5, NIV

I don’t know how any Christian gets around the message in this scripture that we will be more tempted to sin sexually if we go too long without sex with our spouse.

Mind you, this is not to say that everyone who isn’t getting laid has a blank check to cheat. If that was true, singles would get a pass on premarital sex. However, in that same chapter, the apostle Paul suggests that single people stay unmarried and celibate, and many other verses indicate that God wants us to wait until marriage.

Yet Paul also includes this tidbit: “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (v. 8-9). Why does he anticipate widows burning with passion?

Well, for most people, once you’ve had sex, it’s harder to go back. You have “awakened love,” your body has acclimated, and your desire is stronger than before.

That struggle can be even truer in marriage, because you have access to someone who is supposed to be engaging in regular sex with you. Someone who promised—whether they fully realized it or not—to have regular sex with you. Going without in that situation doesn’t only involve abstinence but rejection and loneliness at a different level. The desire to reclaim that sense of intimacy can be particularly intense, challenging our self-control.

Now sex in marriage is beneficial for many reasons, but what these verses in 1 Corinthians affirm is that one benefit of regular sex in marriage is that it sates our desire and helps us resist temptation.

Physiological Case

God even infused this benefit into our physiology. Some research has shown how intimate sex in a sustained relationship helps to keep us faithful.

The primary catalyst is oxytocin, also know as the “love hormone.” When is oxytocin released? During affection and cuddling and other activities, but men also get a surge of oxytocin during sexual climax with a long-term partner.

In one interesting study, 57 male participants were given oxytocin or a placebo. Then they were approached by a very attractive female and asked to report when she was at an ideal distance and when they felt slightly uncomfortable with her nearness.

Men who were in long-term relationships and received oxytocin wanted that pretty lady 4-6 inches further away than other men did. Their monogamy and physiology combined to make them uncomfortable with other potential partners being too close.

In another study, 20 men were spritzed with oxytocin then shown photos of loved ones, attractive strangers, and their own romantic partner. Magnetic resonance imaging and a passion survey showed that they unwittingly fixated on their own partner. The researchers concluded, “Taken together, our findings suggest that [oxytocin] may contribute to romantic bonds by making men perceive their female partner as increasingly attractive and rewarding compared with other women.”

Both of these studies investigated men, and a good follow-up question is whether these findings apply to women as well. Given other studies, like one showing the scent of a woman’s partner lowered her stress level, I suspect they do. What’s different is what gets a woman’s oxytocin going! It’s not sexual climax as much as attention and affection. (Visit the post below for more info.)

Is regular sex enough to keep us faithful?

The Los Angeles Times summarizes the spritzed-oxytocin study this way: “So, a steady diet of sexual activity, hugs and other forms of physical contact may be enough to override the desire to spread genes, keeping a man at home.” The word may pulls a lot of weight in that sentence.

• Some spouses will be unfaithful no matter what, because they lack the will and ethics to fully commit to another.
• Some are steeped in wounds and baggage that make them ideal targets for Satan.
• Some find themselves in a perfect storm of frustrating personal life, squishy marital commitment, and clear opportunity. (Often those are one-night stands.)
• Some end up cheating when they never imagined they would, because they were in such an awful emotional state and just the right temptation came along.
• And some would never cheat, no matter how lonely they felt and how easy the temptation was.

Again, the choice is ours. The sin belongs to the sinner.

But we should not deny that regular sex helps many spouses remain attached and faithful to their mate. Shouldn’t we all want to make it easier for our marriage bed to be committed and exclusive?

What that does not mean is one spouse demanding sex or the other giving duty sex! God’s design for sex in marriage is exclusivity, but also mutuality, pleasure, and intimacy.

God's design for sex in marriage is exclusivity, but also mutuality, pleasure, and intimacy. via @hotholyhumorous
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What keeps you from having regular sex?

For some couples, it’s really a matter of not having the time or energy or focus to engage. You need to ask where you lost that lovin’ feelin’ and how to get it back. That may involve shifting priorities, saying no to what’s in the way, or just introducing more romance into your lives.

If you’re the holdout—that is, you’re gatekeeping in your marriage bed—you may have good reasons, but you should take that first step to address those challenges. Your journey may take days or months or even years, but most sexually rejected spouses tell me they long not for perfection but progress. Your spouse would probably appreciate you admitting things aren’t great and committing to making them better, for both of you.

If you’re feeling sexually neglected in your marriage, you may need to establish extra precautions to maintain fidelity. Recognize the signs of temptation and avoid them. Find ways to get your oxytocin flowing; if not sex, affection and quality time together. Never threaten that you’ll cheat if they don’t give you sex—that’s another kind of wrong—but be honest with your spouse about what sexual intimacy means to you; that is, feeling genuinely connected to the one you chose and love.

The post Does Sex in Marriage Keep You from Cheating? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

You can’t stay behind that wall all the time, of course. While I personally established The Rule that I will not be alone with a man who is neither my husband nor a male relative, that isn’t practical for everyone. I recognize that you may need to be with someone of the opposite sex for work or in other circumstances. You may even find yourself tempted by someone when in a group. You may be contacted on social media by a person from your past that brings up residual feelings. You may receive overt come-ons from someone when you didn’t ask for them. You are human. You were designed by God as a sexual being. You may one day be tempted to engage in flirtation, romance, or physical contact with someone other than your spouse.

So you should know how keep things on the up-and-up, you should have a ready response, you should prepare for battle . . . Nope. That isn’t it. We often think that the way to handle an adulterous opportunity is to talk our way out of it — explain to the presenting party that we love our spouse and we want to remain friends and nothing more, blah, blah, blah.

Hey, we are never instructed in Scripture to do hand-to-hand combat with sexual temptation! Do you know what the biblical teaching for such temptation is? FLEE. That’s right. Create distance between you and the temptation. Go away. Run for your life. Get the heck outta Dodge.

Joseph is the prime example for how to handle sexual temptation. After being sold into slavery by his brothers, he went to work in Egypt at Potiphar’s house. He is described in the Bible as “well-built and handsome.” So yeah, he was the Israelite version of Brad Pitt, Ian Somerhalder, Robert Pattison, or whoever you think makes nice-viewing. In fact, Scripture says that Potiphar’s wife “took notice” of that nice view. And then she made her move. At first, Joseph explains that he will not do that to her, his master, or his God. But that doesn’t do it, of course.

A few years down the road, the son of an adulterous relationship, Solomon, decides to instruct his son on sexual morality. You might think that his love of his mother Bathsheba and his father King David would sway him toward giving them a pass on their adultery. Things happen, right? King David wasn’t trying to be an adulterer; he just fell in love with Bathsheba one day, and there you go (never mind that he was supposed to be at war with his army).

But Solomon passes along the wisdom he received from God to his own son. Rather than telling him to “look but don’t touch” or “just stop before you doing anything really wrong” or giving him some speech about free milk and cows, Solomon says in Proverbs 5:8: “Keep to a path far from [the adulteress], do not go near the door of her house.” The entire chapter is worth reading, but the lesson Solomon wants his son to receive is that the only way to avoid sinning sexually is to avoid the temptation altogether. Just don’t get near it. If you find yourself on the wrong path, take a detour. Don’t go there.

One other verse from the New Testament puts this concept in as straightforward a manner as possible. In 1 Corinthians 6:18, Paul says: “Flee from sexual immorality.” The Greek word for “flee” here is pheugo, which means “to be saved by flight, to escape safely out of danger.” Sexual temptation is a danger zone. You don’t manage danger, so much as you get away from it. I don’t talk my way out of an oncoming car; I get out of the road!

So if you find yourself tempted (and it is my belief that almost every married individual will at one time or another), FLEE! That means that you cut off opposite-sex friendships that begin to include flirtation or feel too familiar (“do not go near”); you avoid places where you will run into those who may tempt you (“he refused to . . . even be with her”); you deal with come-ons with physical distance (“ran out of the house”); and you know your escape route (“flee from sexual immorality”).

Have you ever been in a tempting situation? Confession time: I have. When my marriage was struggling in prior years, I had a male friend whom I realized I enjoyed seeing a bit too much. Temptation to interact, flirt, or being physically close to someone outside marriage often happens when the marriage itself isn’t meeting your needs for safety and intimacy.

What did I do? I fled. I stopped spending time with this couple (I was never alone with him during this time, since I was following my own rule). Whenever a stray thought about him appeared, I pushed it out and refocused myself on my husband. I confessed my inappropriate thoughts to a close female friend who was clearly on the side of my marriage. I created physical and mental distance. And you know what? A few months later, I had no such feelings for the guy. The feelings untended simply went away.

Boy, am I glad that I didn’t confuse sexual temptation with covenant intimacy. I have a better marriage now than ever. God honored our faithfulness and commitment to one another by giving my husband and me a heart makeover that surpasses anything I had imagined.

Feeling tempted? Flee. That’s the Bible’s answer to sexual temptation.

The post The Bible’s Answer to Sexual Temptation appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

But I think I’m done with the word “hedge.” In the last month, I have learned of two Christian couples whose marriages have been struck by adultery. I ache for them and what the adulterer’s actions will do to their families. Considering them and what the Bible says about adultery, we need to forget the hedge and build a wall.

A hedge intimates that you can see over to the other side — how good it looks over there. You can wave at people or shake hands. Good gracious, I could even kiss someone over a hedge. I can crawl under a hedge, jump a hedge, squeeze through a hedge, etc. No, I want a wall for my marriage — a sturdy, rock-hewn boundary that keeps my marriage safe inside and invaders outside. If some guy wants to hang out with me, he can ring the doorbell and come in through the front door that my husband opens. Then our friendship is all on the up-and-up.

Yes, definitely a wall. Remember Nehemiah in the Bible? God sends him back to Jerusalem to rebuild the city’s wall as the time of Babylonian captivity is ending. Why did the City of David need a wall? Walls were constructed to secure and protect the people within the city limits. Marriages need the same thing: a WALL to secure and protect the relationship that you have committed to and that God will bless.

We need to be marriage Nehemiahs erecting thick walls to provide security for our relationships. We will also likely experience pushback from those who believe that building walls is a foolish task. You may have friends that suggest that if you loved each other, such walls would be unnecessary or proclaim that they can have opposite-sex friendships and wonder why you can’t. Nehemiah faced opposition, anger, and ridicule when he and his fellow Israelites built the wall. But he encouraged the Jews by saying, “Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes” (Nehemiah 4:14). We are fighting for the same thing when we make the effort to protect our marriages from the temptations and opposition that may come from outside.

Given my premarital history of promiscuity, I have a rule that I do not spend time alone with a male who is not my husband or a relative. I don’t care if you are my co-worker, a family friend, a church elder, or my literary agent, we are not chatting it up over lunch somewhere alone. Does this make logistics difficult at times? Yes. However, it makes my marriage a lot easier. And my marriage takes precedence over inconvenience.

Some married couples assert that they can maintain friendships with opposite sex people because their marriage is strong enough. Perhaps it is…now. But in many situations I’ve seen and heard about, the marriage hits a rocky spot (which happens in just about every marriage) and suddenly an innocuous friendship becomes a temptation because it seems better and easier than the relationship at home with the spouse. If you want to maintain friendships with opposite sex people, include your spouse. Do double dates; invite your hubby to get to know your male best friend from high school or college; host a group event. But be very cautious about having alone time with a man who isn’t your hubby.

If someone of the opposite sex is flirting with you and won’t take no for an answer, get firm. Be frank. Push them back. Get away.

Is that clear enough?

Why am I adamant about this? Because in the worst years of my marriage — when I was about 80% sure we wouldn’t make it — I was ripe for an affair. Had there been another man in my life who was attentive, kind, responsive, attractive, etc., at that moment he would have looked much better than the painful prospect of working on my failing marriage. Thank goodness — no, thank GOD — that I had set up that rule for myself and did not have such a guy on the horizon. Because I was committed to my marriage, and because I didn’t have another option, I stuck it out. My husband and I worked on our relationship, and we are happier now than ever before. I love and adore my husband, and he feels the same for me.

Also, consider the children. When a parent leaves the home to take up with another woman or another man, the child does not see that the marriage wasn’t working, the parent fell in love, sometimes things happen, they will still see their parent, and all of the other rationalizations the adulterer gives. They see that the adulterous parent chose someone else over them. It is not the same as divorcing and then remarrying someone else. Breaking up a marriage over adultery has a more profound effect.

If you are unhappy in your marriage right now, you are even more susceptible. Get help for your relationship! Things can get better. God desires you to have a quality marriage.

If you have already engaged in inappropriate activity, break off contact with the other person. Ask for a transfer to another work department or shift if needed. Build a wall around your marriage and get help. Tell your pastor or a counselor what has happened, and figure out together whether/how to inform your spouse.

Forget the hedge, build a wall. Remember your vows to keep yourself only unto your spouse.

“They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, ‘Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.’ But I prayed, ‘Now strengthen my hands.'” Nehemiah 6:9

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