(Oh, and I reserve the right to edit out anything that goes to a site I deemed inappropriate to send my readers to. But thankfully, that doesn’t happen often.)

Yes, you can link to other stuff. But usually, links linger in my moderation box longer, because I check them out personally before publishing on my site. Which sometimes takes a while. Thanks!

I think we’re more on the same page than it seemed at first. Because I would not go with a victim’s belief that an abuser has changed for a short while as any kind of okay for returning to the relationship. I believe strongly that an abuse victim needs wise, godly people in her life to help her determine if and when it’s safe, because yes, their perspective is skewed. Unfortunately, statistics do indeed show that abusers are extremely likely to abuse again. There is a small percentage who can change, but I’d want a lot of proof as well.

Frankly, I think that’s biblical. After Joseph’s brothers put him at horrible physical risk and then sold him into slavery, he didn’t just welcome them with open arms years later. He forgave them, but he took his sweet time making sure they’d changed and watched how they treated his younger brother Benjamin. For reconciliation to happen, he needed proof that things would be different.

My point was that a change in the abuser’s behavior does not guarentee that the victim is safe. Even if the past abuser does “change”, there is a big risk they will hurt their spouse again. And the victim isn’t likely to leave.
You’ve made it clear that one shouldn’t re-enter an abusive relationship. But what I was trying to communicate in my last post (albeit unsuccessfully) is that it isn’t safe or healthy for a person to enter a relationship with a PAST abuser, even if that person has ” totally changed” in the present. This is because abusers often change their behavior for a little while, and then slowly go back to their old ways. The behavior change can be used as manipulation chip, so there is no real way for a victim to know if an abuser has truly “changed”.
What you have to understand is, many victims do genuinely love their abusive spouses and want things to work out. So let’s say that the abuser goes to rehab, shows some changes, starts treating the victim right. The victim will get really hopeful that things will turn around for the better, and that they’ll finally start clean slate. The victim stays with the changed abuser and puts the past behind them. But if the abuser is only manipulating the victim (which is more often than not) the good behavior will only last as long as it’s needed. And I know, you’ve said yourself that you do NOT under any circumstances support an abusive relationship, but you have to get inside the victim’s mind for a second. People who were severely manipulated in the past are highly susceptible to be manipulated in the future. Which means, even though you’re only supporting relationships where the abusive spouse has “totally changed and stopped abusing.”, change in the abuser’s behavior does not guarantee that the abuse is truly over. A victim is likely to believe that their relationship is the special case because they want to believe it. Which means even if you don’t SUPPORT an abuse relationship, this post could potentially validate a victim’s false hope of getting back together with their past abuser. Its the implications of this post could lead a victim into an unsafe relationship. Which is why I’m so adamant about not even encouraging a victim to start a relationship with a past abuser who has shown “change”.
You don’t claim to know everything, and I respect that, but at least give a starting point for people to work with. I have many quality resources that I would be more than happy to share with you(Christian and otherwise)-that could be very helpful if you are interested. They’re all links and book PDFs, all written by professionals.
And I wasn’t mad that you used God’s name to verify that God can redeem absolute brokenness. God can change destructive, impossible situations. But that doesn’t mean we should risk putting ourselves those destructive situations in the first place.

Thanks for the encouragement. I think I am on the right track. My visceral response to an “episode” is to flee which is contrary of course to moving toward deeper intimacy. I managed to express this last week in a non-anxious way; perhaps that is a bit of progress.

I did NOT say to stay in an abusive relationship. Absolutely not. And that’s not anywhere in my post. I am saying that there are people who have stopped abusing, totally changed their ways, and THEN the marriage could be rebuilt. I don’t think my advice is disturbing or ignorant in that way, and I’m not misusing God’s name by suggesting that He can heal situations that appear completely broken — because HE says that in His Word. However, I don’t know someone’s particulars, which is why I strongly suggested going way beyond my post and getting help elsewhere, from someone who can speak into the individual relationship.

I even say that abusers are very likely to keep on abusing. Which is why it isn’t safe or good to remain in that situation. Something has to change for progress to be made…or the abuse will very likely continue.

Gosh, that’s a tough question. My experience was that yes, we had a sense of intimacy in our marriage while my husband was in his disease, and actually our marriage was quite good, but there were of course many unhealthy aspects which are more apparent now as I look back at that time. Like you, my goal was to love him unconditionally and connect regularly sexually and non-sexually. It was tough. Really tough. But you just take it one day at a time and let God show you how you can love him in the moment. I had to fight against the urge to control, demand, and manage his drinking. It was a huge time of learning for me to surrender control and leave my husband in God’s hands. I think in doing that (admittedly not so well at times) I was free to just love him where he was and enjoy our time together. I think it also allowed my husband to feel safe with me and know that I was his ally, not his enemy.. and he could share honestly with me what was going on in his heart and head. We were truly grieving his disease together. That is intimacy. Obviously you can’t really enjoy time with someone who is inebriated or strung out. My situation was that my husband was very high functioning, so it wasn’t like he was completely absent. That may not be the case with you. I would just encourage you to seek God, take one day at a time, continue to love him unconditionally, take care of yourself, find support and not let yourself become overwhelmed with thoughts of what tomorrow might bring. ((hugs))