I’d encourage you to check out this post: How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse. And I don’t know if this one applies, but I’ll add it as well: Are You Listening to What Your Spouse Says about Sex?. In addition, my book PILLOW TALK has simple, straightforward chapters meant to open up conversation between spouses on various sexual topics, including arousal, initiation, and reluctance. Following the guidelines, both you and your wife would have ample opportunity to be heard and then focus on understanding and nurturing your sexuality.

Out of my circle, I too, have not found any other woman with a higher drive. I love your dinner plate analogy. That is so true. I will admit, I have not always handled it well and still let my anger swell up into an argument every once in a while. I’ve been reading a book lately called “Sacred Marriage
What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?” which is making me look at the situation a little differently. I’m making it a point to look towards God and thank him for handling my husband’s heart and for giving me the strength to rid the thoughts the enemy is trying to get me to concentrate on. Still a work in progress. 🙂 Have a blessed weekend.

@Nancy, thank you for your comment. I am also a higher drive wife. Your situation sounds similar to mine, only you handle it much better.

So often people say “there are lots of high drive wives out there” – but Ive never met one in real life and almost never hear another one talk about it. So it was incredibly refreshing to hear maybe it isn’t a lie and that I’m not all alone. And thanks for pointing out that you need someone on the low end to get the average. That makes sense (although selfishly, I still wish it didn’t have to be me). But I’ve always felt wildly abnormal as far as our situation in our marriage, so you pointing this out is incredibly helpful.

My husband has always liked to hold me at night, too, even though his drive is much lower. For years I slept on the sofa, because with his lower drive, and my belief I was ugly and unloveable to him due to his lower drive, having him hold me was like sheer torture. It was like being starving and having a dinner plate stuck in your face but not being allowed to taste the food. So I chose to sleep in the other room. This made him sad, but I figured if I was too ugly to “be” with it would make him happier not to have to sleep next to me. I made a lot of wrong assumptions. Thankfully I’ve gotten over myself (a little) and I do sleep in bed, and I do let him hold me, and he is much happier. Our sex life has improved a bit and I’m hoping it will continue.

Anyway, thank you for sharing! It helped me.

Intimacy (Into Me, See) with God is more than just growing in our knowledge of Him, but BELIEVING that knowledge to the extent that it changes who were are (our identity). Out of the deep-seated belief (new identity), our behavior flows. When we believe what is true of God and us with not just our heads, but our hearts, we have intimacy. When we don’t (believing lies about Him and us), we have sin.

Intimacy with our spouse is no different. There are (many) things about our spouse that confuse us, because we often process the world in a completely different way. As we gain this knowledge about our spouse, we find it hard to believe. Because of this, our identity doesn’t change and our behavior continues. Intimacy doesn’t happen to a great degree because of this unbelief. We believe the lie that how we see the world is the only way, the right way, or some combination of the two.

Take a husband who tells his wife over and over that she’s beautiful, for instance. She has a hard time believing that to be true (for any number of, what to her are, legitimate reasons). Because she struggles to believe it to be true, so she doesn’t have any light on when making love (what J called “access”). This is perceived as a lack of confidence, or belief in what her husband has told her over and over again. “It’s clear she doesn’t believe me.” “How I wish I could not only see her, but see her confidently giving me access to her visual beauty.” Her husband is perceiving a lack of intimacy and closesness because of her unbelief (regardless of how difficult it may be for her to believe him).

It’s the same for husbands who have a wife that tells them they just want them to listen, and yet, because that’s not how he sees the world, finds it hard to believe and doesn’t end up listening but constantly trying to fix everything. She senses a lack of intimacy because of his unbelief. If he could believe her to the extent that it changes who he is (going from being her “fix-it man” to being her “trusted confidant”), his behavior would change and their intimacy would grow.

I hope this is helpful…

I didn’t get that same vibe from his comment, Obvious. I felt like male J was trying to say that it very likely isn’t as big a deal to your hubby, and maybe knowing that would help your feelings settle. The reason to address the insecurity is primarily for your sake, because it’s really affecting you inside, but doing so would benefit your husband as well. Praying that you can find a way to deal with this issue and get some solutions.

Interesting info. And my only issue with passing gas is when (1) the person makes zero effort to avoid having it affect others (like if your spouse knows it’s coming and lets it rip with their hindquarters pointed at you, when they had time to turn away), or (2) when someone actually acts proud about farting, which is so “how old are we?” Otherwise, yes, passing gas is a normal human function, and mature people should understand that it happens and have particular grace when it comes to their beloved spouse.

This makes me so sad, both because I know it’s a heartbreaking story you went through (and frankly, she did too, because she really missed out) and because it’s one I’m sure other spouses could tell. Thanks for sharing your experience.

She had great confidence in every other area of her life, but it was like in the bedroom she just didn’t care enough to have confidence. It goes without saying that there wasn’t a whole lot of engagement or appreciation going on either.

Looking back, one of the hardest things, is that this was all done with an attitude of “you should just be thankful for what you get” And in an odd way I was thankful, kinda like the man dying of thirst in the desert is thankful to find a small cup of water. Of course I didn’t know any better. She would refuse to talk about sex, wouldn’t read any resources on the issue and wouldn’t have let me read any either. I wasn’t the type of person to talk with a friend about it because I didn’t want to make her look bad.