What does your husband want in bed? I can’t say exactly, since I don’t know your husband. However, I have interacted with so many husbands now that I feel confident about what many want from their wives.
Mind you, this is not all men. For example, if you’re a higher-drive wife, your husband may have less interest in one or all of these. If you’re in an abusive marriage, physically or emotionally, these may not apply either (and you should seek help immediately). But for oh-so-many marriages, here are four things your husband wants from you in bed.
Obviously, your husband wants access to you to have sex. The issue of gatekeeping comes up a lot when speaking to hubbies. Gatekeeping is defined as “the activity of controlling, and usually limiting, general access to something” (Oxford Dictionary). Plenty of wives are the gatekeepers of sexual intimacy in their marriage—controlling and limiting it denying access to their husbands.
Now let’s not swing this pendulum too far on the other side, because of course you have say in when and how sex happens. It’s also not okay for a husband to demand access whenever he feels like having a good romp!
But access to you and your body shouldn’t be so limited that it feels like the gate is chained and padlocked most of the time. You got married, sex is supposed to be part of marriage, and access is part of that. If access has been seriously limited, I’m not telling you to shut up and go do it with your hubby. Rather, you need to ask why you’ve been gatekeeping and address that underlying issue. (See Leaving the Path of Refusal from The Forgiven Wife.)
Another part of access comes into play after you’ve decided to have sex. Do you hide yourself from him? For instance, insisting on making love in the dark so he cannot see your body? Keeping your legs more closed than open because you worry about what’s down there? Avoiding certain activities because they make you feel more sexual than you’re comfortable with?
If so, it’s time to address those issues too. Why are you hiding, and what steps do you need to take to start giving more access to your husband in the bedroom?
The first time I heard this, I was in college. A male friend told me that, when it came to a woman being sexy, confidence mattered more than looks. Of course I doubted that.
But it’s been mentioned so many times now by men I’ve come across that I just have to accept they mean it. I’m not saying men don’t notice a pretty woman, but confidence is a real key to having sex appeal. And hubbies are invested in the one woman they want to be with—the one they want to see strut into the bedroom with confidence.
How can you, wife, feel confident about your body and your sexuality? Well, if you’re struggling with your looks, I had a whole feeling beautiful series you can check out. Our podcast also did an episode on Body Image, as well as one with husbands giving the male perspective on Guy Talk – A Wife’s Beauty.
As for your sexuality, my best recommendation is to get my book, Intimacy Revealed, which will walk you through how God created you to be a sexual being who can and should experience pleasure and intimacy in the marriage bed.
There’s also the principle of fake it till you make it. Now before you tell me that’s deceptive, I’m not suggesting you lie. You should be honest about how you feel, but acting as if something is true has been shown to be a very effective way of changing your attitude. Too often, we think a mental shift must occur before our behavior can change, but transformation can happen the other way around as well.
So try these little tips to feel more confident about your body and your sexuality:
- Wear lingerie that flatters your figure
- Use soft, low lighting or a colored bulb in your lamp (some light, but not too much)
- Display confidence with your body language, such as open posturing, eye contact, and initiating touch
- Memorize scriptures that remind you of your worth and rehearse them as you enter the bedroom or begin sexual activity (e.g., Psalm 139:14, Song of Songs 4:7, Song of Songs 7:10)
Confidence is also naturally increased when you feel like you know what you’re doing. That’s one of the reasons I started my ministry—to give wives specific sex tips from a Christian point of view. You can find lots of them in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.
Imagine you went on a date with your husband, but he complained about having to go, he looked bored or distracted much of the time, and he intimated that he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Does that sound like a good date?
Obviously not. And yet, sometimes wives approach sex that way. They can be frustrated by the time it takes, aren’t really into it when it’s happening, and show with words or actions that they want it to be over quickly. Understandably, that makes sex a far lesser experience—for both of you.
In contrast, hubbies tell me they love, love, love when their wives are really engaged. Whether it’s her initiating sex, her speaking up for what she desires, her taking charge of some aspect of lovemaking (like choosing the position), or her showing her excitement through sounds, words, and expressions, knowing she’s deeply engaged in sex is both arousing and satisfying to him. Even better, watching her orgasm.
Remember, ladies, that our sexual response is often different from a man’s, meaning we may not arrive as excited about the prospect of sex as he is, but if we decide to show up and engage, we can reach those heights of arousal and enjoy the experience. The pleasure can indeed be mutual.
Men are a wonderful paradox—on one hand, so strong and masculine, and on the other, fragile in their egos at times. I hope I’m not offending any guys here, but I’ve repeatedly heard this from the male species. (Also, see For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn.) They long to know they’re desired and appreciated for who they are, including their sexuality.
It’s a deeply meaningful thing for your husband to hear that you appreciate his body, his sexuality, and the way he makes you feel in the bedroom. For some hubbies, his penis in particular is important, in that he wants to know you like and value it too. (Check out Are You a Fan of Your Husband’s Man-Part?)
You can show appreciation by speaking positively about his body and his sexuality, by touching his body and specifically his penis, by vocalizing your pleasure and enjoyment, by thanking him or reminiscing fondly about a good sexual experience you’ve had together. Just let him know you appreciate who he is in your marriage bed.
There you go! Four things your husband, most likely, wants in bed.
Can you show up tomorrow and give him all of those? Maybe not. It may take some time to get there. And that’s okay. Just take the first step in the right direction, then another, and another. Eventually, you will find that you are indeed accessible to him, confident, engaged, and appreciative.