Why aren’t you having the sexual intimacy you anticipated experiencing after marriage? Good question. And the answer is: I don’t know. Because every situation is different. But I can tell you some common reasons why sex isn’t happening in many marriages, and that might include yours.
Busy, Busy, Busy
Whenever I list the various hats, or roles, that I wear, the list is far too long. But I’m nowhere near as busy as I was when I was a young mom. Many of you can relate to the feeling of overwhelm. There’s so much to do, and not enough time or enough you to accomplish it all. Add sex on top of that, and phew, you need a solo vacation right now.
Exhaustion certainly takes a toll—on us individually and on our marital intimacy. Finding time to connect sexually is difficult enough, but finding time to connect emotionally so that you feel open to connecting sexually is a double-whammy challenge. I hear you. I’ve been there.
And yet, I have regrets about not paying more attention to my marital sex life. If I could go back and do it over, I’d tell younger wife me to delegate some responsibilities, let some things go, communicate more with my husband, and prioritize our sexual satisfaction. When I did release all that tension and leaned into sexual enjoyment with my husband, I felt connection with him and a much-needed release of tension. You might find refreshment there as well.
Physical Challenges
If one or both of you have physical limitations, ongoing pain, or chronic illness, sex is either difficult to engage in or doesn’t feel all that good. Most of the time, the spouse is aware of what’s going on, but not always. In particular, a fair number of wives don’t admit sexual pain or discomfort to their husbands, instead choosing to bear through the pain.
If you’re having physical struggles, please let your spouse know and get on the same page to seek relief. Sometimes, you can resolve the problem, and other times, you can find ways around it that allow you to enjoy sexual intimacy. It might require medical treatment, marital aids, or an expanded view of what constitutes a successful sexual encounter, but don’t give up when physical challenges appear.
By “don’t give up,” I don’t mean keeping having sex that hurts! You may need to take a break while pursuing ways to address your physical challenges. In the meantime, stay connected in your marriage in other ways, so that if/when you can re-engage in sexual intimacy, you have outside-the-bedroom intimacy fueling your desire and satisfaction.
Relational Conflict
Speaking of which, if you’re not eager to spend time with your spouse outside the bedroom, it’s no wonder you’re not eager to spend time with him/her inside the bedroom. Many couples have tension or conflict in their marriage that makes sex far less appealing that it would be with a healthy relationship. On top of that, a lack of sex can create more tension and conflict, meaning that couples can find themselves in a loop where frustration with each other results in less sex and less sex results in more frustration with each other. Rinse and repeat.
Higher desire spouses may think the answer is to begin with having more sex, and to be fair, that has helped some marriages out there, including mine. But higher sexual frequency without emotional safety has hurt more marriages. Most spouses need to feel relationally secure to be eager for the vulnerability and surrender of truly intimate sex.
If your relationship isn’t going well, work on that. If your spouse is on board, great! If not, go first. My husband and I came back from the brink of divorce because I stopped arguing with him so much and started working on my own issues. That didn’t mean he didn’t have issues, but once I changed how I approached him, the dynamic of our relationship changed and we built something solid, lasting, and joyful.
Where should you start? It depends on how bad things are. You might benefit from reading a marriage book together, taking a relationship course or attending a marriage retreat (or my upcoming cruise—more details soon!), or seeing a counselor. You may simply need to work on certain relationship skills, like better communication or deal with deeper issues (see Trauma section below). But remember that mutually desired and satisfying sex is one part of a whole marital relationship, and that relationship must be tended for it to thrive.
Pressure/Demand
Let’s say you feel pressured for sex—consciously or subconsciously—so you do the normal human thing and push back. That pressure may come from your spouse, or it could be messages about owing your spouse sex whether or not you feel like it at the moment.
Among the myths I’ve tackled are that sex is for the husband rather than the wife, a spouse cannot say no to a sexual encounter, 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 says we owe our spouse sex no matter what, not having sex with your spouse means you’re responsible when they cheat or watch porn, and you should perform the sexual acts your spouse desires whether or not you want to. Spouses (mostly women in these cases) who have absorbed these message may feel pressured or obligated, whether or not their beloved is actually pushing them.
That said, some spouses are pushy. In a recent episode of our Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, I mentioned that I’ve witnessed husbands complain publicly about their wife not giving them sex and then add, “I don’t know why she won’t have sex with me.” To which, I want to say, “I know why you’re not getting any, sir.” Whether she knows about the comments or not, he’s harboring ongoing resentment toward her that makes her naturally retreat. Now, before you gents get mad at me, I truly believe that sex should be happening in most marriages! I have devoted over 15 years to helping spouses get laid, so to speak. But while God intends for sex to happen in our marriages, more than that, He intends for us to be loving to our spouses. (See Are You Owed Sex in Marriage?) Demand and pressure are never okay in the marriage bed.
If pressure or demand might play a role in your or your spouse’s resistance, start a conversation. Explain that you desire closeness but not pressure. Ask about myths you’ve each embraced. Talk about what a sex life where you both feel free to give a not-now no and a truly willing yes would look like. Do you need to back off for a bit? Trade out initiation? Talk to a counselor?
I don’t know what you need in your particular marriage, but bring up the topic. Oh, and recognize that you may not able to discuss it at that first meeting. You may need a few times before you each feel safe and able to express yourselves in a way that moves the ball forward. (For quality conversations about sex, get my book, Pillow Talk.)
Sex Doesn’t Go Like It Should
Once you begin a sexual encounter, you and your spouse should engage in affection and foreplay that leads to increasing arousal, followed by connection and/or climax. If that’s not how sex goes, you may not want it the next time. Or the next or the next.
What went awry that makes you less eager for sex in the future? It could be a number of things, such as:
- Not enough foreplay to get you aroused enough for intercourse and/or orgasm
- Hormonal challenges that prevent your body from reaching sufficient arousal (especially true for women with issues like vaginal dryness)
- Erectile dysfunction (not being able to achieve or to maintain an erection throughout the sexual encounter)
- Premature or delayed ejaculation
- Inability to reach climax
When sex doesn’t unfold the way it should, or that would feel satisfying for you, you can become anxious and/or discouraged about the next time. And if it’s happened more than once or multiple times, you can come away with the sense of why bother? After all, you know you’re going to be disappointed, right?
Only, I used the word should very deliberately here. We don’t want to should all over ourselves, but if you know that sex isn’t going the way God intended it to go, then you might want to ask why and then see if there might be some answers to your struggles.
All of the issues named above can be addressed in some way. It could be that the solution is rather simple, or it could be that you have to make some adjustments that might not be ideal but still provide delight and intimacy between husband and wife. As I’ve said before, start by seeing your healthcare provider (Struggling with Sex in Marriage? Here’s What To Do First. – Hot, Holy & Humorous).
Trauma
The statistics on how many people have been through sexual trauma are heartbreaking, but even more so are the stories told by those who’ve been through it. That never should have happened to you. But in our broken world, sexual abuse or assault have touched the lives of many spouses and their marriages. When your body has been misused so badly, it can be hard to see sex as the good thing God intended it to be.
But it’s not just sexual trauma. Other forms of trauma—general abuse, chronic neglect, loss of loved ones, etc.—can impact how you view yourself and others in ways that in turn impact how you approach sexuality.
You may not even realize that past trauma is at least one reason why you don’t feel comfortable or interested in having sex. You may simply know that your body tenses and your mind clouds when the topic comes up, or your spouse initiates, or even at some moment during the encounter. Trauma experts now recognize that our bodies remember the trauma, even if we’re not fully conscious of what’s happening.
From everything I’ve learned on this topic, the only way out is through, and most survivors need trauma-informed care. If this is your story, look for a counselor with that background. One source I can recommend is the Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network, which has coaches who’ve been through in-depth trauma training at the well-regarded Allender Center. Don’t seek help for your sex life. Seek healing for you. You, God’s dear son or daughter, are worth it.
That wraps up six reasons why many married couples aren’t having the sex they could be having, and they range from common busyness to tragic trauma. But all of them have answers, if you will seek them. And especially if you seek them together, bearing one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and honoring one another (Romans 12:10).
Mark your calendars! More info coming in just a few days.
