In a nutshell:
I’m a married Christian wife who writes about sex.
If you have a little more time:
J. Parker has been blogging about marriage and sexual intimacy since 2010 and has written three books: Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design; Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage; and Behind Closed Doors: Five Marriage Stories.
I’ve been married for 23 years, have two teenage sons, and live in Friendswood, Texas — a bedroom community between Houston and Galveston. I hold a bachelor’s degree in history and a master’s degree in counseling. My mission to encourage Sex & Marriage by God’s Design was inspired by my personal story and God’s beautiful nudging.
I’m so glad you’re here! Many blessings to you and your marriage.
If you want the whole enchilada:
J. Parker has been blogging about marriage and sexual intimacy since 2010 and has written three books: Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design; Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage; and Behind Closed Doors: Five Marriage Stories.
I’m a preacher’s daughter who grew up in the beautiful oceanside town of Corpus Christi, Texas. While I learned about sex while growing up, I didn’t learn enough about true intimacy. For that reason and several others, I royally messed up. But . . .
Seeds of faith and trust in God had been planted deep, and when life got super-messy, I dug down, found His redemption and call to better things, and discovered the Real Thang (aka God’s plan for sexual intimacy in marriage).
In between, I attended Abilene Christian University in Abilene, Texas, getting a bachelor’s degree in history, with an emphasis on church history. I worked for a while as a legal assistant before returning to school to earn a master’s degree in counseling. Somewhere in there, I got married. Then, instead of getting licensed and counseling people, I ended up in children’s ministry — a challenging and fulfilling calling indeed!
When that season ended, I decided to pursue a lifelong dream to write novels. But God kept poking me in the brain, the heart, the soul (pretty much wherever He could jab a divine finger) and encouraging me to do something with my personal testimony. That is, I needed to share what I had learned about sexual intimacy in marriage.
So I started a little blog, called it Hot, Holy & Humorous, and expected a few people to wander by now and then in hopes of finding something helpful for their marriage. Ah, the old Yiddish proverb could not be more true: “We make plans, and God laughs.”
These days, I’m thrilled to have readers from all over the globe, in numbers I can’t quite believe on some days, and connections to wonderful friends and couples that give me hope for our world and a passion to continue the mission of encouraging Sex & Marriage by God’s Design. I’ve been married now for 23 years to a fabulous husband, whom I affectionately nicknamed “Spock,” and have two teenage sons who are proud of what Mom does and never want to read a word of it. We live in Friendswood, Texas — a bedroom community between Houston and Galveston.
Thank you for joining me on this journey. To God be all glory, and many blessings to you and your marriage!
I just want to affirm you in sharing who you are. God has been working powerfully through you to .strengthen marriages and you have just swung that door wide open by taking another step of faith. Hold on tight to Him and enjoy the ride.
Thank you so much, Ruth!
I found your site by accident and ended up binging on the many articles. Thank you for your work and incredibly helpful counsel!
Glad you found me! Many blessings, Jay.
J, congratulations on the official HHH exposé! It’s great to finally match a smile with the posts; and great photos of both you and your husband, “Mr. Spock.” 🙂 May God continue to minister through what you sense He is calling you to share!
Thanks, Greg! I appreciate all your encouragement.
Love this! You are such an encouragement to me!!
Hi! I just wanted your opinion on something. With all of this fifty shade of grey nonsense going on. I can’t help but think there’s more to this. Women seem desperate for passion and intimacy. Intense intimacy that makes your toes curl and the world fade away. I am personally so thankful for your Christian perspective on sex and intimacy in marriage. I have said for year even before I started reading your Blog that this issue is never touched in churches or even women’s bible studies. I over heard an older female member of our church talking to a young lady whom has been married about a year. They are having some trouble in that area of their marriage. The older women made the statement. “Well intercourse wasn’t really intended to pleasure a women. It’s about having children for us. Our pleasure comes from raising our families and nurturing and caring for them. Sex is really for men. God gave them that and he gave us children.” Not only has she TOTALY excused this women husband for not caring how things are in the bedroom for them. She’s actually told her that this is how God intended sex between a man an a women. I thought good Lord someone would have to quite literally tranquilize me to keep my off of my husband. He’s the sexiest man I know. Now she believes the bondage she is living in is normal. Women are hurting and miserable in their marriages and they settle because heaven forbid they had to think about doing this with ANOTHER man.. What is your take on this?
This is a BIG question, so my quick take is that history shows pendulum swings. Sometimes the culture is very restrictive regarding sexuality, and other times it swings way over to overt sexual sin touted as the thing to do. Right now, we are over in the “everything goes” and “do what feels good” side, and some of that may be a reaction to certain puritanical thinking of the past. I also think churches tend to lag behind culture; thus, as sex has become more and more okay to talk about in church, I expect to see some people to go too far. But we have the challenge of pursuing what God says is eternally true, not being swayed by our culture to the side of things like “sex is only for men, so grit you teeth and get it over with” or the side of “the kinkier, the better.” God’s will for our lives and our marriages should be our guide.
As far as women desiring more passion and intimacy, I think that’s true. The factors are numerous, but include emphasis on the purely physical part of sex that doesn’t fulfill, so you just seek more or more intense experiences (like an addict). What I do believe is that God made us to be sensual beings, so we look for ways to deal with the desires and sensations we have. And the question then becomes what are your parameters for deciding how to handle your sensuality? As you can see, I’m here constantly advocating for Sex & Marriage by God’s design. That’s where the best sex can and will be had.
Thanks so much!
J,
I came across your blog from another Christian marriage site. My husband and I have struggled with intimacy for a VERY long time. Mostly on my part. We have recently move from Florida to Pennsylvania to give our family a new start. I want to include reigniting our intimate spark. I have truly enjoyed your blog so far. Thank you.
Thanks so much, Nita! Glad to have you here.
Hi J,
I found your website by accident, but I’m so glad I did.
Thank you for being so upfront about sexuality in marriage, and for understanding the perspective of a (virile) Christian man (like me). I’m very fortunate to share that, after brief period of trouble, our marriage was restored because the sexual part was a foundation of restoring our relationship. My biggest motivation was to keep an intact family for the sake of our 10-year-old son (who loves the Lord Jesus Christ, too).
I’m a young 52, while my wife is 44, and I laughed when you wrote that it’s common for her to “not wanna” while the man “wanna” more often. That’s true about us, but my wife satisfies me often enough. I’m blessed to have a woman who understands my drive.
I also appreciate you being upfront about your testimony and weakness in the area before the Lord’s restoration of your marriage.
Keep it up. God bless you and Greg.
cl
Thanks for the encouragement.
This is the best article/answer I have ever read on the subject of spousal sexual refusal. The last time my husband was willing to have sex with me was July, 1995. I have suffered in exactly the way you describe. I am still trying to find happiness in my marriage. Several attempts at counseling, threat of divorce, in 2006, I even told my husband I would file for legal separation and begin dating if he didn’t get help. He did nothing at all for 6 months afterward, so I began spending my time away from the home, enjoying former athletic activities and friends. I met someone else quite by accident and what began as a friendship, ended in an open affair. I was discreet, but open with my husband the marriage was over. Due to financial hardship he asked me to maintain one household for 3 more years, although living separate lives entirely. I never wanted this situation at ALL! I wanted my husband to want me! But nothing worked and he refused to discuss it. During this period, he sought personal counseling. He begged me to give him another chance and in 2010, I broke off the other relationship to give my husband another chance. I joined him in counseling, but ZERO progress was made with my husband basically stonewalling the sessions. The counselor said I needed to give him TIME. Now it’s 2016. I am now 63 years old and TOO OLD (and physically not well), to get a divorce. A divorce would also lessen my children’s inheritance, since my husband is not their bio dad. I am STILL suffering and I’m struggling to know if God would forgive masterbation in my case?
Although I was honest with my husband throughout, I know I was wrong to go outside my marriage in 2006. I was so lost and lonely. This was the one infidelity and was hurtful and unfair, to all involved. I wish my husband understood my pain.
JP – sounds like you blame your husband for alot of your pain but your pain is something that you experience. To make an apt anology, if you bump your leg on a chair you feel the pain because of what goe’s on in your leg, not from what goes on in the chair. I would advise you to pray for wisdom to understand and face your pain. After you do that, listen to your intuition because that is how God will speak to you.
Thank you for obeying God’s prompting! And hello from Pearland!
Hi again, J, I’ve been dropping by for comments lately, but felt…moved?…led?… probably both…to refresh on your bio again. I was particularly pleased to see what I’d apparently missed, that you have a master’s in history with an emphasis on church history. If and when you have opportunity, I would love to hear more and share thoughts – obviously there is a whole lot to cover. I have a deep interest in history and how things got to where they are, plus first hand experience or knowledge of every school system type in North America. The result of moving around a lot with my academic parents. I do have an associates in cartography with a certificate in community planning, wholly unrelated to a 21 year career, and one of my more rigorous teachers always emphasized the link between history and geography. I didn’t grow up in church, so any knowledge of church history came later.
I know that this is off topic for this site, but to bring it back around and in closing, I caught what you said about cultures tending to swing wildly between extremes of legalism and permissiveness, without checking your exact wording as I type this – and I couldn’t agree more. Especially when it comes to sexuality and talking about it. So….just some more thoughts.
I think your site lives up to it’s name pretty well. Blessings.
Actually, my bachelor’s is in history, with an emphasis on church history, and my master’s is in counseling. Thanks for your encouraging words!
Ah!….don’t like to get it mixed up like that, and thought I had double checked which degree was which. And I work in a records department. So noted! 🙂
Finally, someone shares the truth, about sex in the marriage bed. My husband has been so patient with me. Married for 35 years because I constantly read articles that state you can’t do this or that because it is perversion. He has shared so many scriptures, but I have always listened to pastors or other godly counsel. The way you explained it sounds so harmonious, and holy like you stated. We have had a wonderful sex life, but I always feel so sinful afterwards. Now I can completely allow our marriage bed to be how God designed it ! I am sure my husband will be relieved as well.
Thank you for this blog. I came across it when a guy I’m dating started talking to me about his sexual fantasies. Mind you, we are waiting for marriage because we are putting God first. We have been together for 10 months, no sex. But Satan got in somehow. Desires of past porn images were flooding my bethrothed’s mind to the point he felt the need to ask God to make his heart stop beating. He asked me if I would make his fantasy of being with another man in front of him come true. Both of us were very sexually immoral in our lives (before we met eachother) before turning them over to the Lord. We started the relationship knowing sex is absolutely amazing, but it is God’s gift to be shared in marriage. Never mind our past rendezvous. We are new creatures. We are doing it God’s way. So you can imagine the pain he and I both experienced having these recent talks. At one point he said if the urge cane too strong, he would break up with me, in order to not make me sin. I told him that is not the answer and I want to work through this with him. I read your blog on cockholding and it was great. I read him some parts but I am sending it to him as well. God was telling me not to play into this fantasy. That it was deception and it would destroy us. I told my betrothed that Satan is a liar and is making it seem like sex would somehow be greater than God’s way and I told him no way. It all ends bad. Satan’s only plan is to destroy a couple that wants to put God first and foremost. So I hope he receives this blog post well. I love your site. I want to share more with him. Thank you for having the courage to talk about things people are too uncomfortable to talk about. Pray for us. Thank you again for your ministry. Keep up the good work. You are saving relationships and marriages. 🙂
Thanks for sharing. Praying for you right now, Debbie! So glad you two are talking and pursuing God’s design for sex in marriage. Blessings!