Category Archives: Sexual Intimacy Encouragement

12 Ways to Make Good Sex Even Better

How’s the sex in your marriage going? Pretty good? Well, how about 12 ways to make it even better!

1. Invest in heavy kissing first.

I’ve said before that I don’t think married couples kiss enough, but research also shows one of the activities that helps women climax is heavy kissing. Once married, we often move to quickly to the main event, not taking time to “make out” like we used to. Spend a little more time locking lips, and you might enjoy that main event more.

2. Undress with a tease.

Draw out anticipation by taking off clothes slowly. You could perform a strip tease, easing out of your clothing bit by bit with a playful or sexy tone. Or he could strip tease for you! But you could also simply undress him at a leisurely pace. And tease his skin just at or under the edge of his clothing before removing an item.

3. Tour one another’s bodies.

Yes, we all know where the “goodies” are, but how about spending more time on the whole, amazing body God gave your husband? Using your hands and/or mouth, trace his skin in various places—limbs, torso, head—as if memorizing it. If you need help to slow down this endeavor, offer to spread lotion or massage oil on your husband. Or ask him to spread it on your body.

4. Say what you like or want.

When asked what makes a woman sexy, a common answer among husbands is “confidence.” I know, I know…easier said than done. But if you can say what you are enjoying in the moment or request what you want, that’s a confident move and typically arousing to your man. Not to mention that you then get more of what you want and like in bed! After all, how is your hubby supposed to know how things feel to you unless you tell him? Speaking up for yourself is a win-win.

5. Spend some time “down there.”

Do you really know your husband’s penis? Could you, as they say, pick it out from a lineup? If not, maybe it’s time to engage in man-part appreciation. For general information, listen to our Male Anatomy podcast episode, but for specifics, explore all those places on your particular guy. Move into position where you can closely view and handle things down there. As you touch your husband, watch his reactions so that you learn what he likes and how you affect him. God created this vital part of his body, and both of you can be aroused by embracing its wondrousness.

See also Get to Know His Penis from The Forgiven Wife.

6. Go for your orgasm first.

You might not get one if you’re relying solely on intercourse, as many women have difficulty achieving it this way. But if you aim for your climax first, you could: orgasm before he enters; have him penetrate right as you’re beginning to peak; and/or get a second orgasm during intercourse. No bad options there, right? Plus, the arousal your body goes through to reach orgasm should make your vaginal lips ready for penetration—that is, swollen to 2-3 times their normal size and well-lubricated. (If you need additional lube, though, go for it.)

7. Pause once he’s inside you.

You can do this for a few seconds or longer, but once your husband’s penis is all the way in, take a moment to savor that feeling before thrusting begins. Do this yourself from a woman-on-top position, or ask him to stop for a moment until you’re ready to continue—or, let’s face it, until he can’t easily handle the delay any longer. It’s pretty amazing how God created our bodies to fit together, so take a brief interlude and appreciate that experience.

8. Tilt your hips.

Whatever sexual position you use, tilt your hips. More. A little more. You might be delightfully surprised how shifting your hips forward or backward changes the angle of entry and thus the sensations you feel. Even if you don’t orgasm during intercourse, indirect stimulation of the clitoris can be particularly enjoyable, and hip-tilting can help you get some friction to that area. Some couples are also able to achieve contact with her G-spot or Skene’s glands, the latter of which (experts believe) is responsible for female ejaculation.

Want specific position ideas? Check out the resource below.

9. Close your thighs.

This isn’t possible with every sexual position obviously, but you can tighten things up a bit for your husband by closing your thighs, down to your knees. Yep, women were once instructed to avoid sex by keeping their knees closed. But it turns out, once hubby’s in, that’s a good way to narrow the entryway slightly, potentially providing more pleasure for both of you. For even more narrowing, try crossing your legs.

10. Do Kegels.

You know those Kegel exercises you’re supposed to be doing for the health of your pelvic floor? Why not do a few while he’s inside you? A wife’s orgasm creates muscle spasms of her vagina, which tightens around his penis, feeling good to both of you. But you can mimic those spasms a bit with Kegels. Bonny Burns lays out in this post from OysterBed7 how Kegels can also strengthen your orgasm. Since you’re supposed to be doing them anyway, why not during sex?

11. Snuggle after sex.

Do you bask in the afterglow? This could be a key moment for you and your husband to feel more intimate and satisfied. Post-climax, you have several body chemicals running through you, including oxytocin (which promotes a sense of bonding), dopamine (which “rewards” us for what just happened), and serotonin (which provides a feeling of well-being and happiness). Let these feelings wash over you while lying in one another’s arms.

And yes, ladies, you should get up and pee post-coitus, but you needn’t panic about it. Health professionals say you can take several minutes to an hour to make it to the bathroom and still get the health benefits of clearing your bladder.

12. Thank God for His gift.

I’ve encouraged couples to pray for their sexual intimacy and even before, during, or after sex. Still, some are uncomfortable with the thought of God in their bedroom. I get it. It can feel awkward to be mid-intercourse and imagine God blessing your union right then and there. But afterward, take a moment to thank Him for this unique gift to marriage. And if you’re still struggling with sexual issues or concerns, take those to Him too—letting Him carry your burdens and leave you with His peace. (See Psalm 68:19 and Matthew 11:28-29.)

Or just imagine giving Him a thumbs-up for that awesome orgasm you just had. Whatever works for you.

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*This post is for couples who have a reasonably healthy sex life. If you’re looking for advice on dealing with deeper sexual problems or a sexless marriage, I have many other posts on those topics and a search bar at the top of this website.

4 Things Your Husband Wants from You in Bed

What does your husband want in bed? I can’t say exactly, since I don’t know your husband. However, I have interacted with so many husbands now that I feel confident about what many want from their wives.

Mind you, this is not all men. For example, if you’re a higher-drive wife, your husband may have less interest in one or all of these. If you’re in an abusive marriage, physically or emotionally, these may not apply either (and you should seek help immediately). But for oh-so-many marriages, here are four things your husband wants from you in bed.

Access

Obviously, your husband wants access to you to have sex. The issue of gatekeeping comes up a lot when speaking to hubbies. Gatekeeping is defined as “the activity of controlling, and usually limiting, general access to something” (Oxford Dictionary). Plenty of wives are the gatekeepers of sexual intimacy in their marriage—controlling and limiting it denying access to their husbands.

Now let’s not swing this pendulum too far on the other side, because of course you have say in when and how sex happens. It’s also not okay for a husband to demand access whenever he feels like having a good romp!

But access to you and your body shouldn’t be so limited that it feels like the gate is chained and padlocked most of the time. You got married, sex is supposed to be part of marriage, and access is part of that. If access has been seriously limited, I’m not telling you to shut up and go do it with your hubby. Rather, you need to ask why you’ve been gatekeeping and address that underlying issue. (See Leaving the Path of Refusal from The Forgiven Wife.)

Another part of access comes into play after you’ve decided to have sex. Do you hide yourself from him? For instance, insisting on making love in the dark so he cannot see your body? Keeping your legs more closed than open because you worry about what’s down there? Avoiding certain activities because they make you feel more sexual than you’re comfortable with?

If so, it’s time to address those issues too. Why are you hiding, and what steps do you need to take to start giving more access to your husband in the bedroom?

Confidence

The first time I heard this, I was in college. A male friend told me that, when it came to a woman being sexy, confidence mattered more than looks. Of course I doubted that.

But it’s been mentioned so many times now by men I’ve come across that I just have to accept they mean it. I’m not saying men don’t notice a pretty woman, but confidence is a real key to having sex appeal. And hubbies are invested in the one woman they want to be with—the one they want to see strut into the bedroom with confidence.

How can you, wife, feel confident about your body and your sexuality? Well, if you’re struggling with your looks, I had a whole feeling beautiful series you can check out. Our podcast also did an episode on Body Image, as well as one with husbands giving the male perspective on Guy Talk – A Wife’s Beauty.

As for your sexuality, my best recommendation is to get my book, Intimacy Revealed, which will walk you through how God created you to be a sexual being who can and should experience pleasure and intimacy in the marriage bed.

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Only $3.99 for the ebook!

There’s also the principle of fake it till you make it. Now before you tell me that’s deceptive, I’m not suggesting you lie. You should be honest about how you feel, but acting as if something is true has been shown to be a very effective way of changing your attitude. Too often, we think a mental shift must occur before our behavior can change, but transformation can happen the other way around as well.

So try these little tips to feel more confident about your body and your sexuality:

  • Wear lingerie that flatters your figure
  • Use soft, low lighting or a colored bulb in your lamp (some light, but not too much)
  • Display confidence with your body language, such as open posturing, eye contact, and initiating touch
  • Memorize scriptures that remind you of your worth and rehearse them as you enter the bedroom or begin sexual activity (e.g., Psalm 139:14, Song of Songs 4:7, Song of Songs 7:10)

Confidence is also naturally increased when you feel like you know what you’re doing. That’s one of the reasons I started my ministry—to give wives specific sex tips from a Christian point of view. You can find lots of them in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

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Engagement

Imagine you went on a date with your husband, but he complained about having to go, he looked bored or distracted much of the time, and he intimated that he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Does that sound like a good date?

Obviously not. And yet, sometimes wives approach sex that way. They can be frustrated by the time it takes, aren’t really into it when it’s happening, and show with words or actions that they want it to be over quickly. Understandably, that makes sex a far lesser experience—for both of you.

In contrast, hubbies tell me they love, love, love when their wives are really engaged. Whether it’s her initiating sex, her speaking up for what she desires, her taking charge of some aspect of lovemaking (like choosing the position), or her showing her excitement through sounds, words, and expressions, knowing she’s deeply engaged in sex is both arousing and satisfying to him. Even better, watching her orgasm.

Remember, ladies, that our sexual response is often different from a man’s, meaning we may not arrive as excited about the prospect of sex as he is, but if we decide to show up and engage, we can reach those heights of arousal and enjoy the experience. The pleasure can indeed be mutual.

Appreciation

Men are a wonderful paradox—on one hand, so strong and masculine, and on the other, fragile in their egos at times. I hope I’m not offending any guys here, but I’ve repeatedly heard this from the male species. (Also, see For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn.) They long to know they’re desired and appreciated for who they are, including their sexuality.

It’s a deeply meaningful thing for your husband to hear that you appreciate his body, his sexuality, and the way he makes you feel in the bedroom. For some hubbies, his penis in particular is important, in that he wants to know you like and value it too. (Check out Are You a Fan of Your Husband’s Man-Part?)

You can show appreciation by speaking positively about his body and his sexuality, by touching his body and specifically his penis, by vocalizing your pleasure and enjoyment, by thanking him or reminiscing fondly about a good sexual experience you’ve had together. Just let him know you appreciate who he is in your marriage bed.

There you go! Four things your husband, most likely, wants in bed.

Can you show up tomorrow and give him all of those? Maybe not. It may take some time to get there. And that’s okay. Just take the first step in the right direction, then another, and another. Eventually, you will find that you are indeed accessible to him, confident, engaged, and appreciative.

7 Ideas to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with Your Spouse

I’m not Catholic, so I didn’t grow up learning much of anything about St. Patrick. As far as I knew, his holiday was about drinking, leprechauns, and getting pinched if you didn’t wear green. Which made a young child wonder why this guy was a saint.

However, I’ve since learned that St. Patrick was captured by Irish Pirates at age 16 and taken from his home in Britain to be a slave in Ireland. He spent six years there before returning to his family. Afterward, he dug deeply into his faith and later returned to Ireland as a missionary, spreading Christianity and, as legend has it, using the three-leafed shamrock to explain the trinity.

While we usually think of St. Valentine’s Day as the holiday that gets attention with our spouse, a Facebook community member recently posted: “St. Patrick’s Day is coming up in a few weeks. Any fun ideas that you are planning with your spouse?

Challenge accepted!

And because this is the holiday of luck, here are seven suggestions for celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with your spouse, from romantic to sexy.

1. Snuggle up and watch a movie set in Ireland.

Maureen O’Hara & John Wayne in The Quiet Man

I’m partial to the classic The Quiet Man, that film being my favorite John Wayne flick, but you can find a list of possibilities here: 43 Of The Best Irish Movies To Watch Before You Visit Ireland.

I do not vouch for those movies being good or even okay to watch! Do your homework, y’all. (Common Sense Media and/or Focus on the Family’s Plugged In will often have a movie review that tells you exactly what to expect.)

2. Dance together to Irish music.

Pick an Irish/Celtic playlist on Spotify or Pandora, grab your partner, and dance to the the rhythm! Or try one of these options:

3. Wear undies that say on the front, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

Found these on Amazon.com – click the image to see

4. Check out the St. Patrick’s Day Resources from The Dating Divas.

The Dating Divas is a website dedicated to dating your sweetheart after you get married! They have hundreds of ideas, including holiday-themed dates. And yes, they have St. Patrick’s Day.

5. Dye your down-there hair green.

Yes, it’s really a trend. One I don’t understand, but hey, if you feel so moved, WikiHow even has instructions.

(Gives a whole new meaning to “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”)

6. Leave notes around the house, leading your spouse to the bedroom.

  • “Feeling lucky? Head to the bedroom.”
  • “Don’t kiss the blarney stone. Come kiss me!”
  • “You can rub me for luck!”
  • “I don’t need Irish whiskey to make me frisky!”
  • “I want to taste your lucky charms!”
  • “Irish you were inside me!”
  • “Let’s rock, baby. Let’s sham-rock!” (I don’t even know what that one means.)

7. Make Love.

What? You don’t think that’s Irish? I beg to differ. Ireland’s fertility rate is 1.92 children per woman, so some couples on that big island are having sex. Follow suit, and go have fun!

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Here’s How to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex

Having sex can be awkward. Oddly enough, talking about sex can be even more awkward.

Blog post title + couple talking in bed

How do you bring up to your concerns, desires, or ideas to your spouse? What issues should you even talk about? How can you get them to understand you, and how can you possibly understand them?

It’s not easy, because you are two different people, with different histories, different perspectives, and different longings. But guess what? I’m making it much easier for you!

Pillow Talk Book Cover, click to learn more or find buy links

I’ve released a new book titled Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples. It provides you the framework for having productive conversations on all kinds of topics from kissing to sexual fantasies to frequency to erogenous zones to sexual baggage and much more.

This book is not prescriptive on what exactly your sex life should look like, but rather helps you discuss how you can address the sexual intimacy part of your marriage in a way that honors and satisfies both of you.

For some reading this, that may seem like a tall order. But I can’t think of anything in this book that would be problematic for either a higher-desire spouse or a lower-desire spouse. You each get the opportunity to express where you are and what you think. Of course, you’re often encouraged to not settle for the here-and-now but to pursue healthier and holier sexual intimacy, because that’s God’s design—for both of you and for your marriage.

To learn more about the book, head over to the Pillow Talk page on my site. You’ll find a full description, a sample view, and buy links. For a short time, the Pillow Talk ebook is offered at an introductory price of only $2.99! The print book is coming in early 2019.

I pray this resource will bless many marriages! Happy New Year.

Christmas Gift Certificates for Your Spouse

I like giving a holiday gift to my readers—something that says both Merry Christmas and thank you! After all, I wouldn’t be here but for those of you who read, follow, subscribe, share, and comment on my posts.

This year, I took an oldie but goodie and updated it! Below are downloadable gift certificates for wife and husband to tuck into one another’s stockings or place under the tree. Each certificate entitles the bearer to a loving or sexy gift and includes a quote from Song of Songs.

Print them all to create a book or stack of certificates or simply use the ones you like and leave the rest behind. For sturdier certificates, print on photo paper or card stock. Each page has three certificates, and you merely need to cut the page horizontally into thirds.

Gift certificates for him: Click HERE to Download

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Christmas-Gift-Certificates-for-Him

Gift certificates for her: Click HERE to Download

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Christmas-Gift-Certificates-for-Her

Merry Christmas!

from J at Hot, Holy & Humorous

Some previous years’ gifts: