Hot, Holy & Humorous

The “Golden Trio” That Could Bring Her to Orgasm

I find myself recommending certain blog posts more than others, both in emails to individuals and references in other posts. The following, first published on March 5, 2018 , is one and even spawned a recent Knowing Her Sexually podcast episode with guest host Ruth Buezis of Awaken Love. Given how important I believe this information is, I wanted to share this post again. Enjoy!

One of the questions I receive most is from wives asking how to achieve orgasm. That’s understandable, since a really great orgasm is one of the few things that lives up to its billing.

I have a full chapter on orgasm in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, and that remains my best advice on how to get there. But although I incorporated the following information into what I said based on personal experience and hearsay, I didn’t have the study I want to share about what researchers call the “Golden Trio.”

It starts with 52,000 participants in an online survey, which is obviously a huge sample. Admittedly, it’s not a perfect sample, because this survey was hosted on the NBC News website, so there was self-selection in who participated. Still, given that number, there should be some interesting insights.

Among the many questions about sex that they asked, they queried about orgasm. And while 95% of heterosexual men reported usually or always reaching orgasm during sexually intimate encounters, only 65% of heterosexual women reported the same. That’s a good-sized gap of 30%.

Now one question that I don’t believe was there was whether there was a concerted effort to reach orgasm and the woman was unable to do so. Because, for reasons that men sometimes don’t understand, some wives don’t always feel the need to orgasm (see Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm).

However, it’s pretty clear based on God’s design for sex — our sexual responsiveness, our physiology (thank You for that clitoris!), and the importance of mutual pleasure in the marriage bed — that wives should be achieving orgasm regularly in their lovemaking. Meaning that 30% gap is way too big.

How do you close that gap?

Researchers found that vaginal penetration alone (as I and others have said) is not likely to get most women to climax. A PIV orgasm can be great, but it often follows on the heels of an orgasm achieved in a different way. Specifically, according to this study, through the combination of three actions — that is, the “golden trio.”

1. Genital Stimulation

In basic terms, stimulation of the clitoris is what brings a wife to climax. Since vaginal penetration is indirect stimulation of the clitoris, it’s more difficult to get the right angle, pressure, and intensity to bring her to the peak.

More effective is hubby taking his hand and touching the clitoral hood directly. Remember that hood is just the part of the clitoris that protrudes from the body, while more of the clitoris can be aroused by massage of the vulva. Regardless, make sure there’s sufficient lubrication, find the touching that she likes, and directly touch her in that sensitive spot.

2. Deep Kissing

Are you surprised to see that one? I’m not. But I do think we overlook this important activity after we get married and in the midst of making love. All the other bits seem so fun and sexy and only-in-marriage that we forget how fabulous kissing can be. It’s why I wrote You’re Not Kissing Enough.

But this was reported by women in the study as so significant to reaching orgasm that it got equal time with genital contact. Actually, long before that, in the one book of the Bible devoted to marital, sexual intimacy, God shared this wisdom. Song of Songs opens with this line: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine” (1:2).

Are you spending enough time delighting in your spouse’s better-than-wine lips? Maybe you should spend more.

3. Oral Sex

That’s oral sex for her, by the way. It’s the same principle as genital stimulation above, in that hubby can directly stimulate the clitoris, helping her to edge up the slope to orgasm and reach that peak with a cry of victory. Why is oral sex (aka cunnilingus) so helpful in this regard? Well, she’s getting lubrication with his mouth, he can cover a larger area with his mouth and tongue, and the tongue can do more delicate things than a man’s finger. It’s a pretty cool pleasure tool.

There are yet some wives who are reluctant to give this activity a green flag, and some husbands who hesitate as well, but oral sex really is a good way for many wives to finally achieve orgasm. Whatever mental barriers you have to this practice, I’ve answered a lot of those in my blog and my book. And let me direct you to this verse from Song of Songs: “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16b).

That said, pressuring your wife to have oral sex can shut down any possibility of orgasm, if she’s not open to it. No particualr sexual activity should be a must in a mutually respectful marriage!

By the way, all three of these actions get their own treatment in my book too — a whole chapter each on kissing and oral sex, and a section in the hands-on chapter about manual play for her (genital stimulation, that is).

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What else helps a woman reach orgasm? The survey concluded something else interesting: Women who played music, changed sexual positions, or exchanged I love yous during their last sexual encounter were about 20% more likely to report usually or always orgasming. Atmosphere and adaptability matter too.

Also, women who orgasm more frequently tended to have a longer duration of sex and higher relationship satisfaction. Smaller but significant factors that also influenced orgasm were asking for particular behaviors in bed and flirting with your partner throughout the day.

Good gravy, it’s almost like they’ve been reading my blog and my book. 😉

Seriously, though, if you’re pre-orgasmic (haven’t gotten there yet), want to have more orgasms, or just want to give this “golden trio” a go, why not try genital stimulation, deep kissing, and oral sex with your next lovemaking encounter? Of course, you can have intercourse too. In fact, many wives who experience this level of pleasure will desire intercourse even more after hitting that high note.

They say that good things come in threes. Maybe “this golden trio” will bring a very good thing to your sexual intimacy.

Sources: The Guardian – ‘Golden trio’ of moves boosts chances of female orgasm, say researchers; Archives of Sexual Behavior – Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample

12 thoughts on “The “Golden Trio” That Could Bring Her to Orgasm”

  1. We have tried #1 and #2 with no success. I have tried OS on her but she thinks OS is gross. After 40+ years of marriage, we have learned to accept that she will not be able to experience an “O”. She has had a variety of health issues that has affected her ability to “O”…

    1. I hope she has discussed all this with the right healthcare providers. If it’s possible, it would be nice for her to have one!

  2. “Because, for reasons that men sometimes don’t understand, some wives don’t always feel the need to orgasm.” I have been told this by my sweet wife and yet I still don’t get it. I am not saying either of you are wrong, it just doesn’t make sense to this guy. Yet there are times when she is completely satisfied without an orgasm. I know it, I can intellectually process it, but I can’t seem to truly understand. I don’t care how long I have to wait, as long as I know that I will experience that incredibly finale.

    I also think we sometimes put too much pressure on ourselves. My wife would love to orgasm from intercourse alone. I am convinced that she was not created that way by God. My theory is that her citoris, like many women (assuming here) is too far away for penetration only to bring her to that wonderful ending. After 30+ years, I think we have more realistic expectations.

    Another thing that seems to help is giving her the confidence that it never takes too long. If the finale is taking a while, that is simply more time I get to spend with her in such an amazing intimate way. It took some time for her to understand that truth. I am not in a rush. Yes, I want that incredible ending too, but as stated earlier, as long as I know it will happen, I am not watching the clock. What husband could possibly not want the sweet journey to go on and on? Take all the time needed, go slow or fast depending on one’s wife’s desires. There will be a reward in the end for both the husband and wife. And it really is far more satisfying when it is both, even when my wife doesn’t want to orgasm.

    1. Your wife is truly blessed that you will take time to help her to orgasm, and that you understand about the distance aspect of the clitoris and vagina during penetrative sex. My husband isn’t interested enough to learn about these things. He’s in a rush, is impatient and has a short attention span when it comes to my pleasure. Some husbands are like that.

      1. I’m so sorry this has been your experience. I hope something changes, and he can hear your concerns and prioritize your pleasure.

  3. Another great post (your husband is a very blessed man!) I wish my spouse would let me do all these activities but she has practically no sex drive due to her health issues and post menopausal stuff. She doesn’t seem to understand how frustrating it is for me to have no intercourse (last 3 years) and if I’m lucky she’ll play with my balls or give me a short handjob. I’m praying to not let me make sex an idol in my life, but its hard when you’re constantly frustrated. Praying that one day she’ll feel well enough to let me put your golden trio into practice 🙏

    1. Oh, that’s rough! I’m so sorry it’s come to this. I continue to pray for more voices to speak into the lives of lower desire spouses to convince them that (1) sex in marriage matters, and (2) sex can be great for them too.

      1. Thanks for your encouragement. I’ve also heard that a gentle tugging or spreading of her lips down there by the husband can also feel pleasurable for the wife (in addition to pleasing her clitoris with the tongue). I would love to try this during deep kissing as that might get her wet enough for her to want me to go down “south”. I want to please her pink parts if she would only let me…maybe someday.

  4. When I read this, I never took the time to comment as a lot of things that may seem inappropriate was running through my mind. But I couldn’t stop thinking about this post since because this one is probably my favorites. I don’t want to minimalize that some readers are navigating through spousal boundaries, but everything you posted I was able to mentally visualize or emotionally make love to my spouse while I was reading.

    Up until about 5 years ago, when we were making love at least 4 or 5 times a week, we hardly kissed, but instead a lot of foreplay, OS and penetrative intimacy in multiple positions.

    Now that both my spouse are in our 60’s, we are intimate about 2 times a week and find ourselves doing a lot more kissing, like when we first began kissing each other as teenagers.

    The kissing builds enormous anticipation, I’ll kiss her behind her neck or her shoulder while she is washing the dishes as the heat of my breath gives her the chills and causes her to freeze. She’ll kiss me deeply with her magical lips, (sometimes to get me to shut up, lol) while I’m teasing and flirting with her, again like she was the teenager who used kissing potion lip gloss on a regular basis when we first met.

    Because our energy levels aren’t the same, I need the kind of affection that enhance my own mental and physical arousal levels that a combination of her kissing followed by me lowering my tongue down to her intimate areas to taste her clitoris and her inner and outer lips as the scent of her sensual aroma sometimes is the only thing that triggers me to reach a full erection. Fortunately for her, she seems to appreciate how much of an affect of her natural scent has on me.

    Her personal hygiene is also a major turn on, as we won’t do OS without showering an hour or two before hand.

  5. I liked what you said about kissing both sets of her lips in the lovemaking, the ones on her face and the ones elsewhere. I find the vaginal lips to be very sexy and a huge visual turn on for me as a husband, as well as a beautiful part of God’s wonderful creation of the female body. I wonder if most wives feel this way as well? Would love to see a future blog post on how husbands and wives view the female anatomy differently.

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