Category Archives: How To Tips

6 Ways to Score While You Watch Sports

Have you heard the term sports widow? That’s what they call a wife who receives little to no attention from her husband during one of more sports seasons. Some of you ladies are nodding your head right now.

Sports seasons can affect your sex life too. Either his sexual interest takes a back seat while he’s front-row fanning for his team, or he neglects the lead-up to sexual intimacy and wonders why you’re aren’t ready at the drop of a rah rah to get bedroom busy.

Mind you, some of you wives are the ones sucking in the sports season like slushie through a straw. And you don’t need to be neglect your sexy self either.

With the football playoff season, World Series coming up, and whatever else is going on — didn’t hockey season just start? — it’s time for some tips on how to keep sexual intimacy going during the sports season. And even tie the two together for more fun!

1. Kiss Every Time Your Team Scores.

Texas A&M University has long had a tradition that when you take a date to the football game, you are supposed to kiss him/her after a touchdown. That’s a good way to motivate fans to root for their team to put points on the board. If your team gets lucky, so do you.

Why not use this approach with your favorite sport and team? Let your husband know that you’ll be giving and/or expecting a kiss if and when your team scores. Then make it a worthwhile smooch, the kind that will having you both cheering on the team to score again … very soon.

2. Wear a Team Jersey—and Nothing Else.

Whether you watch the game with him, or just sit on the same couch and read your book or knit, show up wearing his team’s jersey and nothing else. For many husbands, that’s a good way to keep his eyes from being entirely glued to the game. After all, his gorgeous wife is inches away, looking and feeling sexy, which is well worth some divided attention.

If you want, you can give your husbands peeks from time to time, bending over just so to show off your cleavage, your bum, or something even more promising. Show him that you support his team, but even more … you want your husband to score.

3. Make Out During Commercials.

Do you really need to see another commercial for an automobile, beer, or Viagra? How about skipping those altogether and using the breaks for hot-and-heavy kissing?

There’s even something sexy about getting going and then having to stop when the game returns. With your kissing coming in spurts over the course of a couple of hours, you’ll likely both reach the end with breathless anticipation of what you can do together post-game.

4. Introduce Sexy Rewards.

Let’s say your team scores a run or a goal. What sexual favor does that get you or him or both of you? How about suggesting a sexy game to go along with your team’s performance?

Create a reward card defining out the team’s achievements will translate into something sexual for you two. Like this one for baseball:

SAMPLE

Each of you can have a card and keep track during the game, to see what you two will get to enjoy later. You could also make him/her cards, with different activities for each. You could make your reward more romantic, more specific, or whatever you want. Make it work for you! Below is a PDF that you can print and fill in for yourself.

playing-to-win

5. Play Strip Touchdown/Goal/Run.

You’ve heard of Strip Poker, right? When you lose a hand, you have to remove a piece of clothing. What if you played a positive version of Strip Poker, but with your sports team involved? Every time your team gets a touchdown, a goal, a run, or any other scoring achievement you negotiate, one or both of you remove clothing.

If your team has a great game, you’ll both end up naked by the time the final play happens. If not, you can look forward to finishing the task yourselves—which would be a nice way to soothe yourselves over the loss.

But what if you’re watching the game with other people around?

6. Tally Up the Score for Private Post-Game Activity.

You two can keep score without people around knowing that the team’s performance has an effect on what kind of sexual activity you’ll be having later. Make it something simple, like every time the team scores you wink at each other. Each wink is worth a kiss or sexual favor after the game ends and you finally get to be alone.

Or come up with a code word or phrase that doesn’t mean to them what it means to you. You could shout “That’s one for us!” with your friends/family thinking that’s one more score for the team, while you and your husband know that’s one more sexual activity for you two later.

After all, sports and sex shouldn’t be in competition with each other. They can both enhance your life and your bedroom. Just be intentional in making it happen!

I’ll be there! So should you. CLICK TO LEARN MORE!

5 Tips for Shower Sex

Have you ever had sex in the shower? It’s not the easiest sex move ever, but it can be very enjoyable.

While this is often a quickie, because it is a strange space, it’s a great option to have in your repertoire: good for vacations where you’re sharing space with kids in the bedroom, good at home when your kids won’t leave you alone except in the shower, and good to just get busy when you’re both naked and thinking, “Hey, you wanna?”

But since it is a strange space, how do you really make this work? Here are some quick tips for making shower sex not only work, but pleasurable and satisfying.

1. Safety first!

Make sure you have some anti-grip something on your shower floor, because you don’t want to enter the ER trying to explain that injury. Not that they haven’t seen such things, but I personally wouldn’t want to be the story relayed in the staff lounge later.

2. Recognize that “sex” isn’t just intercourse.

Sex is the whole kit-and-caboodle, including hand-jobs, manual play, oral sex, and intercourse. If you can’t seem to make intercourse work, no worries! Go for the other stuff and enjoy all the sexy sex you can have in that hot and steamy shower.

3. Add lubrication as needed.

Water can wash away some of your natural lubrication, so you may want to add silicone-based lube or coconut oil. Water-based is likely to wash away too quickly.

If shower sex is in your repertoire, keep some close by! Maybe tucked away behind the towels in the linen closet, or in an unmarked container (assuming you have kids who might ask what it is) alongside your hair and body products.

4. Get into a good position.

If you’re going for intercourse, the best position is probably standing with wife facing away and bracing the wall, and husband entering her vagina from behind. But you may have to adjust with squatting, tippy-toes, etc. Another option is sitting down in the bathtub/shower with wife on top. But you can get creative with other ideas too!

Some of it depends on whether you’re in a traditional bath/shower, a larger walk-in shower, or the shower I totally want to have someday where it’s like its own room.

But with permission from the fabulous Christian Friendly Sex Positions, here are examples of positions that might work for intercourse and foreplay:

For intercourse, bracing herself against the wall.

He sits, she squats, rocking motions more than thrusting.

Another seated position for intercourse.

For her performing fellatio on him.

For him performing cunnilingus on her.

Whatever you try — and you can plenty more options at the CFSPs website — I recommended you widen your stance on your feet or knees a bit to keep your balance and use the walls for bracing as needed.

5. Start in the shower, finish elsewhere.

Be willing to get started in the shower and finish elsewhere if needed. Nothing says you have to keep plugging along if you’re having difficulty finishing.

You might have a wonderful time of foreplay or intercourse in the shower, but you need to move to the bed or even the cushy mat just outside the shower to complete the act. I can be extra sexy to move, dripping wet, to another location and make love there too. Like, “We do it here, we do it there, we do it everywhere!” 😉

Those are my quick tips. What have you learned about having successful shower sex? Share your tips below!

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Lots more practical sex tips in my book!

5 Reasons to Love a Quickie

Quickie (n). a brief or spontaneous episode of sexual activity.

Quickies should not comprise the majority of your lovemaking. If they do, you’re not giving your sex life enough time and attention. Because the ultimate goal of sex in marriage is intimacy. And you can’t get super-intimate with your spouse in 5-10 minutes.

That said, when you’ve invested a lot of time with someone, those brief encounters can be great touch-base moments. I’ve seen this with texting my best friend in between seeing one another, quick greetings at church with people I later sit down and talk to at length, and quickies with my husband when we also have longer lovemaking times.

With all that in mind, let me tell you why you should embrace—even love—the quickie!

Stopwatch illustration + blog post title

1. You can take the edge off.

One of the primary reasons to have a quickie is because one or both of you is feeling edgy about not having had sex in a while. A while could be a few days or a week, but for higher interest spouses, the longer they go without, the more the desire translates to physical tension.

Some spouses report getting antsy or cranky without both the physical release and intimate connection sex in marriage provides. Having a quickie can sate that hunger until you have more time for a longer lovemaking encounter.

2. You can avoid little-people detection.

When you have young children in your home, it can be difficult to find time to eat a decent meal or take a shower, much less have extended nookie time. Sometimes, 5-10 minutes is all you have, so you make the best of what you’ve got.

Nearly all kids can be left alone for the time it takes to have a quickie. Yes, you might need to put the baby in the playpen, turn on a kids’ show, or drag out the craft supplies and hope glue doesn’t end up on your walls, but you can figure out how to safely make it happen. And then you can figure out how to make the quickie happen.

3. You can bless your spouse.

Quickies don’t necessarily mean sexual intercourse — any brief sexual activity counts. That means you can take a short period of time and use it to bless your spouse by taking care of their sexual/emotional needs or by just making this time all about them.

Specifically speaking, give him a blow job or a hand job. Give her cunnilingus (aka oral sex) or manually bring her to orgasm. You may need to bring out your best plays and a bit of lube to accomplish what you want, but you might well be able to get in a sweet blessing in only a few minutes.

4. You can have it in places other than the bed.

Quickies are great for the shower, the closet, the car… Wherever space is limited, quickies are wonderful option. You may need to get creative enough with positions to make your bodies come together, but check out Christian Friendly Sex Positions or the Ultimate Intimacy app for ideas. CFSP even has the best sex positions for in a car!

By the way, couples often ask how they can still have sex while on a family vacation, and this might be your best bet. You may not be able to get the hotel room all to yourselves, but even a small hotel bathroom could work for a quickie.

5. You can express true familiarity.

Yes, a long, lazy time of kissing, caressing, and lovemaking is an absolutely beautiful, and crucial, experience in marriage. But the quick, playful moments of a quickie also express how well you’ve come to know each other and your bodies. By cutting to the chase of what he/she really likes, you express the familiarity you’ve come to have.

You know just where to touch her. You know just how to stroke him. Even if it’s not that easy to get revved up yourself, you know how to bless your spouse. We’re better at quickies now than when we were younger, because we’re just better with each other.

What do you like about quickies? And what tips do you have to make quickies go well?

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Yes, quickies are covered more in the book!

5 Techniques to Knock Hubby’s Bedroom Socks Off

We can overemphasize the physicality and techniques of sex. But once you’ve built that emotional and spiritual connection in your marriage bed, why not discover some good moves that can bring intense pleasure to your husband?

For many wives, knowing more of what they’re doing in the bedroom empowers them to embrace their own sexuality, feel confident about themselves, and get aroused by the effect they have on their man.

So let’s talk about five ways to knock your hubby’s bedroom socks off!

5 Techniques to Knock Hubby's Bedroom Socks Off + graphic of green socks

Quick warning: Some of the following is pretty specific, so if you visualize as you read, please make sure it’s an image of your spouse in your mind. If you struggle with that, step away.

1. Undress yourself slowly.

How do you eat a drive-through hamburger versus a gourmet chocolate dessert? I suspect your partake of the latter more slowly, savoring every bite. Not that I’m opposed to hamburger days, but why not tease out the experience of undressing yourself as if you’re the gourmet dessert. (You totally are, you sexy wife, you!)

A little background music and low lighting can set the mood. Let your husband know that you’ll do the undressing, and he just gets to watch. Then take your time slipping off each item of clothing and tossing it onto the floor or over to him. For added excitement, a wife can touch herself as she goes, stroking her leg sensually as she removes her skirt, running her hands over her breasts as she removes her shirt, even stroking a finger over her pubic mound or lower as she removes her panties.

2. Give him real access.

Many wives feel uncomfortable spreading their legs really wide. But there’s something really arousing to a husband about his wife confidently, unabashedly opening up that area fully so he can have access to see, touch, and pleasure her.

There are a few ways you can give him real access to your vulva. Sit up in a bed or on a chair, tilt your hips forward, and bend your knees out wide. Or lie down, tilt your hips forward, and make a butterfly pose with your legs. Or spread out full-eagle on the bed, one leg to the east, one to the west. For added oomph, specifically invite your husband into your garden with words, a come-hither gesture, or stroking your own vulva a few times to ready the area for his attention.

3. Make it a “yes” night.

Want to know what turns you both on? It’s actually good if you just tell each other, rather than expecting you both to be mind-readers. But for a twist on that, limit what you say during a sexual encounter to the just the word “yes.”

That is, he can only direct you with a yes and should say yes when something feels good. If he wants, you can do the same. But make sure to vary your yeses, showing your enthusiasm for certain sensations. A whispered “yes” and a shouted “yes” strike a different chord with your lover, so use volume, pitch, and tone to communicate your excitement and enjoyment of sexual intimacy.

4. Stroke the underside.

I’ve written about this area before, but there’s a section between a man’s testicles and his anus that can be especially sensitive. It’s called the perineum, or colloquially you might hear the term “taint.” By stroking that underside, you are in contact with the base interior of your husband’s penis, as well as indirectly stimulating the prostate gland, which can be an erogenous zone for men.

Massage or press that perineum on its own or when giving him oral sex, or hook your arm around to stroke him while engaging in intercourse. Pressure against this area can feel really good and intensify his orgasm.

5. Take charge.

Most husbands love seeing their wives filled with enthusiasm for sex — they want their woman to really get into the experience. And nothing says, “I want this, I want you,” quite like taking charge of the movements of intercourse.

Straddle your husband, and then either squat to use your legs to pump up and down on him or sit and rock your hips back and forth. Add in a hip-circle now and then to mix things up and get a new sensation. You can also use a chair, asking him to sit first, then sit on top of him, straddle the chair, and go at your own rhythm until you, he, or both of you reach climax. (For more ideas on positions, Christian Friendly Sex Positions also has an entire section for Wife in Control.)

And for all kinds of ideas on amping up your pleasure and his, check out my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

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Q&A with J: “How Can I Orgasm with Penetration?”

Today’s reader question reflects a common goal for many wives: reaching orgasm through intercourse. Here’s what she asks:

I’m not really sure how to ask this in a way that makes sense, but how can my husband and I achieve bringing me to orgasm with his penis or with vaginal penetration? We’ve been married for a few years and have a wonderful love life, but it frustrates me so badly that I can’t seem to orgasm easily unless he uses his hand or mouth. I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me.

It feels amazing when he’s inside, but it doesn’t take too long and I get so sore down there. (not because he isn’t gentle or patient, either.) Do some people just not work they are supposed to? We’ve tried the whole getting me almost there manually before he goes in but by then usually he’s so close it doesn’t take very long before he goes and then it’s really hard to finish me off, although the dear man makes sure we do. What can we try?

Blog post title + fireworks

Let me start with this question: “Do some people just not work [how] they are supposed to?” There’s a myth in there that women are supposed to orgasm through penetration. But studies have reported that 70% or more of women cannot orgasm through intercourse alone.

I recently wrote about the “golden trio” of deep kissing, manual play, and oral sex that seems to best help women achieve climax. Missing from that list of three is intercourse. Why? Because the engagement of our minds and direct stimulation of the clitoris are the two factors more important in getting us to the pleasure peak.

So if you have difficulty getting there through intercourse, please realize that your body might be working just fine. It’s just that we have unrealistic expectations about attaining orgasm with intercourse, based on what we’ve heard, read in romance novels, or seen in TV or movies.

Now let’s go over some questions to consider and some options to try. Because you likely can, one way or another, have a wonderful orgasm during intercourse.

What’s your C-V distance?

The ability to orgasm just with penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse seems to be a function of anatomy, specifically the distance between your clitoris and vagina (“C-V distance”). The “magic number,” according to researchers is 2.5 centimeters.

I suppose you can pull out your measuring tape, even enlist your husband to help, and measure to see what your C-V distance is. But one researcher suggests you can get a good sense of your C-V by simply using the “rule of thumb.” The distance from the tip of your thumb to your first knuckle is about 2.5 centimeters. If you’re around or under that distance, you should be able to achieve climax with intercourse.

However, if your C-V is higher, say 3 centimeters or a bit longer than that first thumb joint, then it’s unlikely you’ll climax through intercourse alone. That doesn’t mean you’re broken (see 70% stat above), but that you’ll have to add some additional stimulation.

What positions and angles are you using?

The traditional missionary position is among the worst for a woman to climax. Since an intercourse orgasm relies on indirect stimulation of the clitoris with his penis, the angle at which he penetrates and thrusts determines how much clitoral contact she feels.

If you’re lying in the missionary position, you can move your hips and legs to bring your clitoral head closer to the action, thus making it more likely that his penis will make contact there. I talk about this stuff in more detail in chapters on positions, what to do with your hips, and what to do with your legs in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

But other positions might work very well for you. Some women report PIV entry from behind as being more stimulating or woman on top allowing her to “grind” against him more. Test out different positions and angles and see which ones give you the most pleasure.

Do you have enough lubrication?

You say it feels amazing when he’s inside, but then you struggle with quickly getting sore. This could happen because you’re going at it for so long, chasing that elusive climax. But it could also be that your body runs out of lubrication. In which case, you should consider what you can do to remedy that.

Lack of lubrication is often a function of hormones, which is why it’s a struggle for many menopausal women. But it’s also a challenge at certain times in a woman’s cycle, meaning you might have an easier time climaxing through intercourse when you are ovulating. Also, if you’re taking oral contraception or on certain medications, they could affect your body’s ability to lubricate sufficiently.

If this is part of the issue, keep personal lubricant handy, apply it liberally, and add it as needed. He can always pull out, add some lubrication to his penis, and then thrust back in. Even if you do this a few times, it could help you go long enough to get to the climax without discomfort.

Why not add manual stimulation?

There is zero wrong with adding stimulation to get you over the edge. Likely, the best way to do this is to get you close to climax, or even have one climax already, and then have your husband penetrate. After that, he can add his hand, or you can add your own, to directly stimulate the clitoral head (the part of your clitoris that sticks out under the clitoral hood).

Get in a position that allows access to the clitoral head. Just a few choices include:

  • “Doggy style” (which fellow blogger Chris Taylor recently suggested we rename “stallion style,” a definite improvement), with your legs far enough apart for him to wrap his hand around or you to reach
  • Adapted missionary with your legs spread far apart, even like a butterfly yoga pose, so that your clitoral head is exposed for touching
  • “Cowgirl” (woman on top) with your hips tilted forward so he can view and reach your clitoral head

Christian Friendly Sex Positions even has an entire section on positions that allow access for manual clitoral stimulation you can check for ideas.

And those who are screaming at me right now, “A vibrator! You can use a vibrator!” Yes, you can use a bullet style vibrator as well to stimulate your clitoral head. I’m personally a fan of first seeing what magic you can work with your hands, but this is a good option for wives who have tried various options and still struggle to reach climax.

Is adding additional stimulation “cheating”? Or somehow less fulfilling than having a climax through intercourse alone? No. It’s engaging in sexual intimacy that is mutually arousing and satisfying to both of you.

You might be able to someday orgasm through intercourse alone … and you might not. Either way, you can orgasm with your husband inside you. And that produces the same wonderful sensations of your vagina spasming around his penis. That’s pretty great stuff, however it happens.

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