Category Archives: How To Tips

Resolution Week: "And Now for Something Completely Different…"

To me, New Year = Fresh Start. Yes, I know it’s just a date on the calendar, but it feels like a new beginning is on the horizon.

You don’t need the New Year, though. Whenever you want, you can press the reset button and do things differently from how you did them before. That’s what I want to talk about today, on the last day of Resolution Week—just doing something different with the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Why do something different?

Readers come to my blog for two main reasons: (1) to figure out how to address a problem with the sex in their marriage, or (2) to get ideas on how to maintain and nurture the sex in their marriage.

(There’s a third group, a very small one, who read to find out what “the other side” is saying and pipe up from time to time to debate. But let’s not worry about them.)

For those in either of the two main groups, you’ve been doing X, but doing Y could make things better. If you have sexual struggles, you can receive:

  • encouragement to pursue better sexual intimacy
  • insight about how your spouse might be thinking or feeling about the situation
  • summaries of medical, scientific, and common-sense approaches to resolving physiological obstacles
  • biblical perspectives on God’s design for sex in marriage
  • suggestions for meeting your spouse’s emotional and sexual needs, or getting your own met
  • how-to tips for making sex better for you and for your beloved

If you have healthy physical intimacy in your marriage, you can receive:

  • how-to tips for specific sexual activities
  • inspiration to have more frequent and/or more intimate sex
  • regular reminders to keep doing what makes your spouse feel loved
  • biblical insight about how your marital intimacy reflects God’s goodness
  • updates on sex research that can improve your pleasure or connection
  • ways to expand your sexual repertoire

But let’s face it: Hot, Holy & Humorous is about persuading you to do something even a little different from what you did before. If every reader remains in absolute stasis, what’s the point of me writing another word?

Yet, I do write. I do hear from readers. I do know this site, along with other marriage ministries, has a positive impact.

Is different automatically better?

In case you didn’t get the reference in this post’s title, “And now for something completely different” was a catchphrase from the British show Monty Python’s Flying Circus. It was inserted in between comedy sketches, some of which were really great and some of which were what were they thinking?

Likewise, just doing something different in or regarding your marriage bed could be a what were you thinking? moment. But it could also be really great.

How do you know your idea is different-great?

1. It aligns with God’s design for sex in marriage.

Whatever you do in the marriage bed should be God-approved, mutually acceptable, and spouse-honoring. It should align with God’s will.

2. It benefits both of you.

It should be something that not only serves your ends, but also meets your spouse’s longings. Marriage isn’t about you or me, but rather us. You don’t want one spouse thinking the new thing is great while the other responds, “What on earth were you thinking?”

3. It is pursued in love.

You can have wonderful intentions, but if your tactics stink, you won’t get far. Your spouse will likely, and understandably, become defensive. So the different thing you go after should be pursued in a loving way, without pressure or manipulation.

To Leap or to Toddle?

If I had a dollar for every time I or one of my podcast partners said the phrase “baby steps,” we’d be retreating on a Caribbean beach somewhere right now. Working, of course—wink, wink—but with our toes in the sand and the water lapping at our ankles.

Truth is, when one spouse wants to do something different, the other spouse can get worried. What do you mean “different”? Am I not enough? Are you going to want that weird thing again? I refuse to dress up as a gorilla no matter how turned on it might make you! ~snicker~

Now some of you should leap into something different. You’ve been in a pit for far too long, and you need to jump into a marriage class or counseling. Or perhaps you two are mutually on board with trying something sexual that’s a little “out there”—not outside God’s design, but pretty creative.

For most spouses, however, baby steps are the way to go.

Just do something a little extra or different next time, then expand a little from there, then to the next thing and the next thing… Until your baby steps have gotten you down the path a ways and you’re both happy with where you are.

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

So what are some “different but great” ideas? Let me help!

Below are more than 20 suggestions. Each item is not for every couple. Find something that would benefit your particular marriage or brainstorm your own ideas.

Just choose something, or several somethings, different to do this year and see how it can improve your sexual intimacy. If it doesn’t work, you can always chuck it and try something else.

Note: Remember that when it’s something God specifically calls us to do, it may take a while to see the positive results. “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9 ESV).

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Mindfulness & Meditation During Sex

For many years, I was horrible at meditation. I would try to be still, but I’m naturally fidgety. I would try to relax, but my muscles were tense. I would try to focus, but my mind would get distracted.

If there was someone leading the meditation, they would say something like, “Imagine a placid lake, calm and flat as glass.” So I’d do that…and two seconds in, a jet ski would go by. Followed by a motor boat, a pontoon, and a few fish leaping around. In more imaginative moments, the Loch Ness monster would raise its head. #MeditationFail

And yet, Psalms often mentions the benefit of meditating on God’s Word, like this passage:

Blessed is the one
  who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
  or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
  and who meditates on his law day and night.
Psalm 1:1-2

Learning to Meditate

Given that I reached “Amen” on maybe 9 of 10 prayers I said, I became determined to learn to meditate. I needed that focus to pray and consider God’s Word.

I downloaded a meditation app. There are several, but I happened to use HeadSpace. The early meditations are really good, but at some point it does get more into Eastern spirituality views. I disregarded that and chose a Scripture or praise to focus on instead. It worked! I learned how to be still, relax, and focus.

Only, I also realized I’d been doing that already—for years and years. Not in my everyday activities, but my sexual intimacy. Much of what I was learning was consistent with what I’d practiced and taught about experiencing pleasure and reaching orgasm in the marriage bed.

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The Role of Mindfulness

Meditation is a practice used to achieve mindfulness; that is, “the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us” (Mindful.org). Yes, the concept is tied to Buddhist traditions, but they hardly hold the market on being mindful (see Psalm 26:2-3).

Keying in on that notion of being fully present and aware, isn’t that what we hope to have in our sex lives? Don’t we want to feel mindful of what’s happening, so we can savor the affection and pleasure of being with our husband in such an intimate way?

And yet, we struggle. Both external stimuli and internal monologues compete for our attention. We are fidgety, tense, distracted. An inability to relax and focus contributes to many wives being unable to enjoy sex or achieve orgasm.

An inability to relax and focus contributes to many wives being unable to enjoy sex or achieve orgasm. @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet

Meditating During Sex

How then can we use the concept of mindfulness and the practice of meditation to increase our awareness and enjoyment during sex? Here are several techniques you can use in the bedroom:

Breathing. Before you begin, take a few deep breaths, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. As you exhale, feel your tension release. Then let your breathing return to normal, but attend to those breaths for a little while longer. Just savor the sense of breathing in and out, in and out.

Acceptance of distractions. One of things I previously had wrong was trying to push away distractions. Instead, it’s important to simply accept the stimuli that could pull us away. Take note of what you see or hear (the mess around you, the noise down the hall), accept its existence, and then turn your focus back to where you are and what you’re doing.

The same is true for unrelated self-talk—don’t fight it, but rather recognize it and then turn your attention and mind back to where you want it.

Distractions somehow lose their power when you admit they’re there but just don’t play their game. (Note: I’m not talking about a crying child who really needs your attention, but general distractions.)

Body scan. One meditation technique involves “checking in” with your body by scanning from head to toe. That is, begin at the top of your head, check in with that body part, and move your focus slowly down through your face, your neck, your shoulders, and so on.

You can pair this practice with our view of God’s beautiful creation. That is, as you check in with your body parts, consider how God knit you together (Psalm 139:13-14), think about the form and function of each body part, revel in those places sensitive to touch and sensuality. Again, this can help you get your body ready for arousal and connection.

Mantras. A mantra is a word or sound you repeat to maintain concentration. Yes, I know its Hindu origins, but we’re not using it that way. I’m not suggesting you om your way through sex. (Please don’t.)

Rather, repeating phrases to bring home a message was used in the Bible as well (see Psalm 136 and “His love endures forever”). You can use that same concept to maintain your focus or increase your positivity during lovemaking. Examples:

  • You struggle with body image, so you repeat in your mind, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 136:14) to remember the beauty God imparted to you or simply “His desire is for me” (Song of Songs 7:10) to remember that you are beautiful to your husband.
  • You were taught that sex is dirty or less-than-spiritual, so you repeat in your mind, “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7-9) to recognize that God Himself created this act to nurture and express our intimacy.
  • You feel selfish at times enjoying sex as much as you do, especially if/when the activity mostly involves your pleasure, so you repeat in your mind, “drink your fill of love” (Song of Songs 5:1), to remind yourself that God encourages us to drink deeply of sexual delight in the marriage bed.

Focal point. Sometimes in meditation, you’re asked to choose a focal point, a place to center your attention. During sex, your focal point will likely change, but it should follow your sense of arousal so that it feels fluid.

For instance, instead of thinking about everything that’s happening during sex, focus on where your husband hand is stroking, how his fingers feel, what your skin underneath senses, what physiological responses you feel inside, etc. As his hand moves, let your focal point follow.

Be fully present in experiencing the sensations his hand, mouth, or penis provide your body. As you near orgasm, focus your attention entirely on that part of your body, just leaning into that focal point.

Prayer. The whole reason I started learning meditation was so I could focus long enough to get all the way through a prayer to “Amen.” Interestingly enough, I’m not sure I reach “Amen” all that more often, but I am more focused in my prayer time.

You can use that same focus to pray in the midst of sex. Yes, you can! (See Praying Before, During, and After Sex.) It probably won’t be a full prayer, but even “Thank you, God” or “Be with me, Lord” is a prayer. You may be surprised to find that calling on God in the midst of lovemaking settles your heart and increases your delight.

Techniques of meditation and mindfulness can help you become more fully present in the moment of lovemaking, so that you can experience arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction as God intended.

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What about “Breast Sex”?

Don’t know what “breast sex” is? It’s a term used to describe the husband rubbing his penis between his wife’s breasts. It might lead to ejaculation, or it could just be for the arousing experience itself, but it’s a sexual activity some couples enjoy.

Why does breast sex excite husbands?

This just in, ladies: Men like breasts. Oh wait, you already knew that? Of course you did.

And the fabulous things about hubbies is they like their wife’s breasts, no matter how small, big, odd-shaped, or gravity-ridden they are. Yes, there are exceptions, and those men need to get a clue. But by and large, I hear over and over from husbands that they are big fans of the breasts that appear on the woman they chose and love, their beautiful wife.

Know what else men like? They own penises. No, it’s true! Just ask 100 random men—actually never do this, it’s a really bad idea—and perhaps 99-100% will say their penis is one of their favorite body parts.

So breast sex pairs TWO of a hubby’s favorites: his own penis and his wife’s breasts. To which many men reading this say, “What’s not to like?!”

Actually, from what I understand, men enjoy both the sensation and the visual of their penis making contact with their wife’s breasts. Some men can reach climax, others have breast sex as foreplay, but it is appealing to a number of husbands.

As Proverbs 5:19 says: “May her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

Why does breast sex appeal to wives?

Why would a wife enjoy this? Some wives may enjoy feeling her husband’s penis rubbing against her. But since the area between a woman’s breasts is not nearly as sensitive as other areas of the breast, such as the areola and nipple, the physical sensation is likely more enjoyable to him than her.

However, a wife can feel appreciated and confident when she sees the effect her breasts have on her husband. She may relish her ability to turn him on this way and witness his excitement.

While this is not a reference to breast sex in the Bible, the Song of Songs wife says in 1:13: ” My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.” This wife savors the idea of her husband enjoying her breasts.

What if you have smaller breasts?

Let me pause here and address you ladies who don’t have much in the way of cleavage. One might assume a man would enjoy breast sex only when his penis is surrounded by breast tissue, thus mimicking the feel of the vagina closing in around him. As one clever commenter in my closed Facebook group asked: “So if the woman is, ahem, less endowed, wouldn’t it basically be *breastbone* sex?”

But several husbands there spoke up in favor of breast sex with their smaller chested wives, saying it’s still quite enjoyable for them without substantial cleavage. Maybe it’s just the idea of his penis being right there by her breasts or the friction itself, but they like it.

So if you’re not well-endowed, your husband may adore the idea of breast sex with you. Because it’s you and your breasts he wants.

How can you have great breast sex?

Start with foreplay.

Rather than going straight for the breast sex, spend some time getting her aroused. Why? Because sexual stimulation can cause increased breast sensitivity, nipple erection, and a slight increase in the size of her breasts as blood flows to that area. All of these make the experience more enjoyable for the wife while giving you both a little more to work with.

Choose a good position.

You should make good contact between his penis and the space between your breasts. Here are a couple of ideas:

  • With wife lying down, have hubby straddle her waist, lean over, and thrust between her breasts.
  • With hubby standing, have the wife kneel in front of him, positioning her breasts on either side of his penis.

Christian Friendly Sex Positions also has a section with breast sex positions where you can find other options that might work for you.

Use lubricant.

You want some friction, but not too much. His thrusting should be smooth, so consider adding personal lubricant. To find one that works for you, check out 5 Tips for Choosing Personal Lubricant. Apply the lubricant liberally on his penis and/or your breasts. Keep it handy, in case you need to add more.

Make your cleavage count.

Whatever size breasts you have, you can squeeze them together to provide more pressure against his penis. For larger-breasted women, use your hands to push your breasts together. For smaller-breasted women, use your upper arms to pull them together.

Your husband can also assist, using his hands to nudge your breasts into position. But hubbies reading this, be gentle! Whether large- or small-breasted, all women’s breasts have a lot of nerve endings and can be sensitive.

Include your hand.

If your husbands wants a tighter feel, place your palm over his penis, forming a triangle of your breasts and hand. That will provide full contact around his penis, giving a little friction and helping him reach climax.

Add your mouth.

When your husband thrusts up, you can touch or lick the head of his penis with your mouth and tongue. You likely won’t be able to do more oral sex than that. And even that may be a stretch on your neck, shoulders, and chin. But you may be able to at least add some mouth action as he nears climax, taking his arousal up just a notch. And you may enjoy the heady feeling of that impact on him as well.

Be willing to finish another way.

Successful breast sex doesn’t mean he climaxes; it means you both enjoyed the experience. Breast sex can be the main event, or it can be foreplay for the main event. If he or you want to finish another way, go for it!

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What does the Bible say?

One last issue I want to cover. Apparently, breast sex is featured in pornography, and that makes some uncomfortable with its practice in marriage. However, breast sex precedes today’s pornography, and besides, intercourse is also in porn and we don’t exclude that. What makes pornography problematic is the treatment of people in the scenes (which includes some highly inadvisable activities) and the selfish focus of the viewer. So the question should be: Is breast sex harmful? Degrading? Objectifying? Entirely selfish?

For most married couples, the answer to these questions is no. Rather, it’s a husband enjoying this aspect of his wife’s body, her enjoying the effect her body has on him, and both of them experiencing sexual pleasure. It could be considered more one-sided for the husband, but then so would be manual play for her or oral sex for either them. Sometimes, we provide our mate pleasure not because they’re selfish, but because we want to bless them.

I’m reminded again of how God created a wife’s breasts to be part of sexual pleasure for him and her:

How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
    my love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
    and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
    I will take hold of its fruit.”
~ Song of Songs 7:6-8

So enjoy the delights God has gifted us in the marriage bed. And if breast sex is one of them, I hope these tips help!

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12 Ways to Make Good Sex Even Better

How’s the sex in your marriage going? Pretty good? Well, how about 12 ways to make it even better!

1. Invest in heavy kissing first.

I’ve said before that I don’t think married couples kiss enough, but research also shows one of the activities that helps women climax is heavy kissing. Once married, we often move to quickly to the main event, not taking time to “make out” like we used to. Spend a little more time locking lips, and you might enjoy that main event more.

2. Undress with a tease.

Draw out anticipation by taking off clothes slowly. You could perform a strip tease, easing out of your clothing bit by bit with a playful or sexy tone. Or he could strip tease for you! But you could also simply undress him at a leisurely pace. And tease his skin just at or under the edge of his clothing before removing an item.

3. Tour one another’s bodies.

Yes, we all know where the “goodies” are, but how about spending more time on the whole, amazing body God gave your husband? Using your hands and/or mouth, trace his skin in various places—limbs, torso, head—as if memorizing it. If you need help to slow down this endeavor, offer to spread lotion or massage oil on your husband. Or ask him to spread it on your body.

4. Say what you like or want.

When asked what makes a woman sexy, a common answer among husbands is “confidence.” I know, I know…easier said than done. But if you can say what you are enjoying in the moment or request what you want, that’s a confident move and typically arousing to your man. Not to mention that you then get more of what you want and like in bed! After all, how is your hubby supposed to know how things feel to you unless you tell him? Speaking up for yourself is a win-win.

5. Spend some time “down there.”

Do you really know your husband’s penis? Could you, as they say, pick it out from a lineup? If not, maybe it’s time to engage in man-part appreciation. For general information, listen to our Male Anatomy podcast episode, but for specifics, explore all those places on your particular guy. Move into position where you can closely view and handle things down there. As you touch your husband, watch his reactions so that you learn what he likes and how you affect him. God created this vital part of his body, and both of you can be aroused by embracing its wondrousness.

See also Get to Know His Penis from The Forgiven Wife.

6. Go for your orgasm first.

You might not get one if you’re relying solely on intercourse, as many women have difficulty achieving it this way. But if you aim for your climax first, you could: orgasm before he enters; have him penetrate right as you’re beginning to peak; and/or get a second orgasm during intercourse. No bad options there, right? Plus, the arousal your body goes through to reach orgasm should make your vaginal lips ready for penetration—that is, swollen to 2-3 times their normal size and well-lubricated. (If you need additional lube, though, go for it.)

7. Pause once he’s inside you.

You can do this for a few seconds or longer, but once your husband’s penis is all the way in, take a moment to savor that feeling before thrusting begins. Do this yourself from a woman-on-top position, or ask him to stop for a moment until you’re ready to continue—or, let’s face it, until he can’t easily handle the delay any longer. It’s pretty amazing how God created our bodies to fit together, so take a brief interlude and appreciate that experience.

8. Tilt your hips.

Whatever sexual position you use, tilt your hips. More. A little more. You might be delightfully surprised how shifting your hips forward or backward changes the angle of entry and thus the sensations you feel. Even if you don’t orgasm during intercourse, indirect stimulation of the clitoris can be particularly enjoyable, and hip-tilting can help you get some friction to that area. Some couples are also able to achieve contact with her G-spot or Skene’s glands, the latter of which (experts believe) is responsible for female ejaculation.

Want specific position ideas? Check out the resource below.

9. Close your thighs.

This isn’t possible with every sexual position obviously, but you can tighten things up a bit for your husband by closing your thighs, down to your knees. Yep, women were once instructed to avoid sex by keeping their knees closed. But it turns out, once hubby’s in, that’s a good way to narrow the entryway slightly, potentially providing more pleasure for both of you. For even more narrowing, try crossing your legs.

10. Do Kegels.

You know those Kegel exercises you’re supposed to be doing for the health of your pelvic floor? Why not do a few while he’s inside you? A wife’s orgasm creates muscle spasms of her vagina, which tightens around his penis, feeling good to both of you. But you can mimic those spasms a bit with Kegels. Bonny Burns lays out in this post from OysterBed7 how Kegels can also strengthen your orgasm. Since you’re supposed to be doing them anyway, why not during sex?

11. Snuggle after sex.

Do you bask in the afterglow? This could be a key moment for you and your husband to feel more intimate and satisfied. Post-climax, you have several body chemicals running through you, including oxytocin (which promotes a sense of bonding), dopamine (which “rewards” us for what just happened), and serotonin (which provides a feeling of well-being and happiness). Let these feelings wash over you while lying in one another’s arms.

And yes, ladies, you should get up and pee post-coitus, but you needn’t panic about it. Health professionals say you can take several minutes to an hour to make it to the bathroom and still get the health benefits of clearing your bladder.

12. Thank God for His gift.

I’ve encouraged couples to pray for their sexual intimacy and even before, during, or after sex. Still, some are uncomfortable with the thought of God in their bedroom. I get it. It can feel awkward to be mid-intercourse and imagine God blessing your union right then and there. But afterward, take a moment to thank Him for this unique gift to marriage. And if you’re still struggling with sexual issues or concerns, take those to Him too—letting Him carry your burdens and leave you with His peace. (See Psalm 68:19 and Matthew 11:28-29.)

Or just imagine giving Him a thumbs-up for that awesome orgasm you just had. Whatever works for you.

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For more great tips on how to have sizzling sex, check out this book for wives!

*This post is for couples who have a reasonably healthy sex life. If you’re looking for advice on dealing with deeper sexual problems or a sexless marriage, I have many other posts on those topics and a search bar at the top of this website.

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Does Your Husband Prioritize Your Orgasm?

Now and then, I get a question that goes something like this:

My husband always climaxes during sex, but I often don’t. I leave feeling unsatisfied and even frustrated that I didn’t get to have my orgasm, when he always gets to have his. He wishes I could get there too, but doesn’t really put in the effort to get me there.

Sometimes there’s a caveat, like: I take a long time to reach orgasm, so I know it’s hard for him to keep going.

Regardless, this inquiry comes up often enough that I can say without doubt: Some husbands don’t prioritize their wife’s orgasm nearly enough.

Why doesn’t he prioritize her orgasm?

Sure, a husband could be a selfish lover who goes after his own satisfaction without taking full consideration of his wife’s sexual desires. But oftentimes, it’s something else.

Plenty of men don’t really understand how a woman’s arousal and orgasm work.

They haven’t been taught what it’s like for a woman. And without more to go on, they figure your orgasm should work like theirs. Meaning you get aroused, you have sex, you climax, and that’s that. It’s a fairly straightforward.

If your husband was exposed to pornography, or simply paid attention to movie and TV sex scenes, he may have also swallowed the ideas that a woman can be ready for intercourse quickly, that penetration will bring her to climax, and that if she isn’t orgasming, it’s a problem with her. Erroneous information, of course, but if this is what you’ve seen/heard all your life, it’s confusing when your wife doesn’t behave like that in bed.

If your husband doesn’t seem to understand how your arousal and climax work, ask if he’d be willing to listen to a podcast with you. It’s less than 26 minutes long, and if you use a podcast app and change the settings, you can listen to it even faster. (I often put mine on 1.2x speed.) Meaning it’s not much to ask! But it might help for your husband to hear four seasoned wives talking about how women’s sexual response works.

Episode 6: Women’s Sexual Response

You can also get my book, Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples, which has several chapters in which you can explain what things are like for you and listen to what it’s like for him. By learning more about each other, without criticism or judgment, you can develop a healthier view of what you should be pursuing together for your sexual intimacy. Which involves climax.

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But there could be another good reason.

Women aren’t the only ones taught that sex is for him.

One of the biggest myths perpetuated both in secular and religious culture is that sex is primary for the husband. (Listen to Lies Woman Believe episode.) Except that’s not at all what God said. The passage often used to urge wives to have more sex with their husband, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, doesn’t say, “Wives, give it up for your husband, whether you wanna or not.”

Although the passage talks about an obligation to have sex in marriage, that’s not the point! Paul’s main point is that there must be mutuality in the marriage bed! And if anything, the verse begins with her “marital rights,” not his: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.”

Yet men have heard this passage and others used—as well as common advice given here, there, and everywhere—to say that the husband’s part is needing sex and the wife’s part is owing her husband sex. It’s total malarkey, but if this is the bad teaching your husband received, he may have come into marriage not expecting you to enjoy it as much as he does or believing your climax doesn’t matter as much as his.

Stinks, I know. But when we realize that our husbands also received wrong messages, we can see that it’s not malice that keeps him from aiming for your orgasm. He simply needs to learn the truth about what God desires for both of you in your marriage—a sizzling, satisfying sex life.

But how can you actually address the issue with him?

In addition to the ideas above, I suggest having a conversation away from the bedroom. Tell him what you desire and why. Explain to him how your body works. And ask how he would feel if he was super turned on but didn’t get his climax. I suspect he wouldn’t like that, and neither do you.

Now, not every wife feels the need to climax every time. But if climax isn’t a regular part of your lovemaking, you need to work toward that goal. God created women’s bodies to experience orgasm through the wonderful organ called the clitoris. Yep, that clitoris has one job and one job only—to make sex feel good. And when it gets to the peak of pleasure, you experience muscle spasms that should at least provide a sense of relief if not real excitement.

As to how to prioritize your orgasm, here are a few ideas:

1. Go for your orgasm before intercourse.

It’s a phrase you often hear: she goes first. And it’s not a bad idea. Especially since the average time he can last in intercourse is far less than the average time it takes for a woman to reach the level of arousal she needs to climax. Moreover, a lot of women don’t, or even can’t, climax during intercourse!

Read up on what really helps a woman climax here:

These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm

2. Try various positions to see if any/some of them result in climax for you.

They may not (see above), but it could be worth a shot.

For some wives, it’s better to be on top, so she can have more control with the thrusting and tilt her hips in a way that provides pressure against her clitoris. For other wives, a rear-entry position could result in the husband getting deeper and better friction. And for others, face-to-face is the key, but maybe angling your hips upward or putting your feet on his stomach or your knees over his shoulders (assuming that works with your size/height). A sex pillow might help you achieve better angling too.

I also have a chapter about positions in my Hot, Holy, and Humorous book that can walk you through ways to shift your bodies around and find something that might work for both of you.

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For more great tips on how to have sizzling sex, check out this book for wives!

3. He stimulates your clitoris during intercourse.

You might combine intercourse and clitoral stimulation to achieve nice results. Get into a position in which he can reach your clitoral hood (that’s the knobby part of your clitoris that sticks out and swells when aroused). Make sure you have adequate lubrication, and add some personal lubricant if needed.

Give him tips on the level of pressure and amount of movement you desire. You may not know yourself until you try it out, but once he hits a good place, let him know. And since one thing doesn’t work for the whole time with most wives, let your husband know when you need him to slow down, increase speed, press harder, etc.

If you’re looking for which positions will work best, check out this page from Christian Friendly Sex Positions and choose “clitoral stimulation” in the search parameters:

Sex Position Finder

4. Stimulate your own clitoris during intercourse.

It can be challenging for your husband to focus on his thrusting and your clitoral stimulation at the same time, so an alternative is for him to focus on the intercourse while you use your own fingers to bring yourself to climax.

Most husbands would be fine with this—and may find that enthusiasm arousing—but make sure your particular husband understands why you want to do this and that it isn’t taking away from the wonderful experience of having him inside you. If anything, having your husband inside when it happens can make a clitoral orgasm better.

5. Get your orgasm after intercourse.

Let him know the intercourse was great, but you’re not really done and would like to finish with an orgasm yourself. Suggest what you’d like for him to do to help you. Do you want him to manually stimulate you to climax? Do you want him to simply caress, kiss, fondle, etc. while you bring yourself to climax?

Your orgasm is still a mutual experience this way, with both of you focused on connection and pleasure.

Yes, I’m sure some husbands are exhausted post-intercourse and aren’t sure they have it in them to keep going. But if you can prevail a few times, I suspect he’ll see the benefit and realize it’s not much more to ask.

What if after all this, he still doesn’t prioritize your orgasm?

If you did all of this, and he still ignored your climax? Then I’d suspect the problem runs deeper than the bedroom, and I’d ask for marriage counseling.

But hopefully, one or more of the suggestions above will get the point across and help you both prioritize your pleasure—as God intended sex to be in your marriage.

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