One man I dated before meeting my wonderful husband told me about a scary incident from his childhood. He was nine years old, kicking around outside a neighborhood grocery store, and was grabbed by an adult man who pulled him to the back alley, yanked his pants down, and attempted to penetrate his anus. My friend told me that he’d never squeezed his butt cheeks so hard in all his life, and thankfully, something interrupted the would-be rapist and made him run off.

It was a traumatizing event. But sexual assault, abuse, and harassment happen every day, every hour, every minute … to boys.

That abuse takes its toll on the individual and on his marriage. Some of you are struggling right now with the consequences of a husband having been sexually abused—and you may or may not know it.

Was the husband in your marriage abused?

Men are much less likely to report sexual abuse and acknowledge its impact. They may have labeled what happened to them as unpleasant without realizing it rose to the level of abuse.* Some men don’t even recall what happened, their minds having blocked it out to keep them from dwelling on that horrible experience.

Thus, many husbands don’t admit to their wives, or even to themselves, that they were victims of sexual abuse. Or they downplay how it affected their sexuality. After all, if they are attracted to their wife and can complete the sex act, how bad could it be?

But not addressing past trauma means you’re probably missing out on having a better sex life than what you’ve known. And past abuse can lead to persistent pornography use, low sex drive or periodic performance issues, hypersexuality, tension and shame in the bedroom, and/or difficulty being emotionally vulnerable and intimate.

Sweeping past sexual abuse under the rug doesn’t make it disappear. It just makes a lump that can trip you (both) up.

If you’re curious about the things that happened to you, and whether they were simply difficult or perhaps abuse, a book like The Wounded Heart by Dan B. Allender could help.

How common is abuse of boys?

As with girls, abuse of boys is far too prevalent. Experts estimate that 1 in 6 boys will experience sexual abuse. I’m skeptical at times of statistics that get batted around, so I went digging for what went into that number. From the studies I found, it seems pretty solid.

Where there could be some debate is how we define sexual abuse. The 1-in-6 statistic describes it as “experiences in which children are subjected to unwanted sexual contact involving force, threats, or a large age difference between the child and the other person (which involves a big power differential and exploitation).” Sexual abuse can include fondling, penetration, exposure, forced masturbation, oral-to-genital contact, child pornography, or prostitution.

While my friend’s story involved a stranger, the vast majority of time, sexual abuse is perpetrated by a family member, friend, or acquaintance. And while the perpetrator is more often male, it can certainly be a female.

So if you were sexually abused as a boy, or if this is your husband’s story, you are (or he is) not alone. If that guy went to a men’s retreat with 50 guys, seven others present could relate. It’s awful that it’s so many! But it’s also good to realize that plenty of other men know what it was to go through awfulness … and you can help one another heal.

Are you ready to heal?

My father died 10 years ago, so I can’t confirm this, but I’m 99% convinced that he was sexually abused as a child. He had too many wounds in this area that make the most sense if he experienced that kind of trauma. But he never talked about it. He never got help. He had two marriages fall apart.

In contrast, I’m inspired by the story of Joe Buchanan, cohost of Behind Our Smiles. He and his wife Tara talk about marriage overall on their podcast, but he’s addressed the sexual abuse he experienced as a child, and Tara has spoken on our podcast about it (Helping Your Husband Heal – Sex Chat for Christian Wives). It took time, but he was able to speak honestly with his wife about what had happened and get the support he needed.

Many other men have discovered hope and healing. It’s not an easy road to walk, but it’s so much better than staying stuck. By getting help, making the effort, and staying with it, you’re taking a path toward sexual freedom and wholeness. And the sexual intimacy in your marriage could become deeper and more meaningful than ever.

One of my readers shared his own personal account of childhood sexual abuse and building something better with God’s help. I was originally going to link to that post (Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse: One Powerful Story), but when I rewatched the video and felt convicted that I needed to include it here. This man has been there and can speak better to other men than I can.

You may want to start by seeking outside help (such as trauma-informed counselors or mentors), or you may want to start by sharing with your wife that you were sexually abused. That depends on you and your circumstances. But you don’t have to dump everything at once. You can simply begin to tell your story, knowing that you can take your time to let it all come out. You’ll likely find compassion and support from your wife, who hurts for the little boy you were and wants you to be the man God created you to be. And God will be there to in the pit and the pain, ready to restore what’s been broken.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Looking for professional help? I highly recommend Brad Aldrich of Aldrich Ministries, who has worked with men in this area. And for more information on abuse of boys, here are some sources I found while researching this article: