Merriam-Webster defines foreplay as “erotic stimulation preceding sexual intercourse.” Others call it the lead-up to the main event.

But what if foreplay isn’t the precedent or the lead-up but the sweetest part of sexual intimacy in marriage? Or at least an equally good part?

Are You Focused on the Destination?

Intercourse and climax are worthy destinations! Both husbands and wives have shared that PIV (penis-in-vagina) penetration and orgasm are physically and emotionally satisfying aspects of sexual intimacy. And I’ve said a lot about the importance of those over the years.

But imagine having intercourse and climax in your marriage without the other stuff. Picture no affection, no flirting, no romance, no nonsexual touch, no sensual touch, no caressing body parts not required to engage in intercourse. Would you say that sexual contact is intimate? Of course not!

And if you related to that picture I just drew about no other stuff, it’s time to set some boundaries, talk to someone, and get help. That approach isn’t what God wants for you and your marriage.

Hooray for Anticipation!

Foreplay builds anticipation, which increases sexual satisfaction.

If I had you all in a room with your spouses, we could run an experiment. I’d say, “Everyone lean in for a kiss with your beloved but stop once you’re an inch or less away from one another’s lips.” Then I’d set a timer for several seconds or so and ask what your mind and body were feeling during those almost kissing moments. Some would report feeling awkward, but many would report their bodies buzzing with a desire to close that narrow gap. If you closed that gap after time was up, your kiss was likely a satisfying one.

Why? Anticipation.

Anticipation of a pleasurable event alters how we experience the event. Anticipation reduces anxiety, triggers heightened senses so that the experience is more vivid, and releases dopamine (the reward chemical) even before the reward arrives.

Engaging in foreplay—whether flirting, kissing, caressing, or something more intense—makes us anticipate intercourse and orgasm with a greater readiness and desire. And when sex finally occurs, it’s simply more satisfying.

Hooray for Exploration!

Foreplay (done well) involves exploration that builds connection.

How does your spouse like to be kissed? Touched? Fondled? Where do they like to be kissed? Touched? Caressed? When do they like to be… Okay, you get the point. The best way to learn what turns your beloved on is foreplay.

Approach foreplay as an opportunity to discover and appreciate who your spouse is. What words put a sparkle in their eyes? What sexy nickname or playful euphemism makes them smile? Do they enjoy cuddling or dancing together? Are their ears, neck, or nipples especially sensitive? What are their erogenous zones? How do they enjoy being massaged? Do they enjoy undressing, or being undressed, slowly? Do they enjoy manual stimulation or oral sex?

The answers to these—and many other—questions can be answered by trying out different modes of foreplay, asking for feedback, and adapting to your mate’s preferences. In doing so, you demonstrate interest in and honor for your spouse, come away with a better understanding of their sexuality, and help your spouse feel seen and loved. All of which lead to more emotional safety and deeper connection.

Hooray for Pleasure!

Foreplay provides deep pleasure all on its own.

God created sex to feel good to both husband and wife. He made our skin more sensitive, provided erogenous zones beyond our genitalia, and planted a desire in us to engage and touch in ways that arouse and excite us. And it’s interesting that He did this with humans in a different way than the animals He created.

In most animal species, foreplay tends to be about attracting a reproductive partner or preparing their bodies to mate. Yet, humans have a broader range of sexual activities that we can enjoy simply because they feel good. What a blessing!

Of course, if foreplay doesn’t feel good, return to point #2 up there—exploration. Figure out what feels good! And linger in that. Savor it. Value it for its own sake.

It’s a beautiful thing that we can bring pleasure to our spouse. Indeed, many husbands report that, as much as they enjoy sexual encounters for their own pleasure, they get more satisfaction seeing the pleasure they can give their wives. Many wives feel the same about their husbands.

So let’s lean into foreplay and the pleasure we can find there.

The Journey Matters as Much as the Destination.

You might think of other reasons why foreplay is well worth the time and effort in marriage. One other reason that came to my mind is that having a good foreplay repertoire prepares you well for times when intercourse is off the table, but other sexual activities are available that can keep you romantically and physically connected.

Speaking of activities, Juli Slattery of Authentic Intimacy notes that there’s a big difference between sexual activity and sexual intimacy. She’s 100% right!

Just getting the deed done isn’t enough to have a sexual intimacy in marriage. Rather, we should experience a good journey on our way to the destination of intercourse. That involves individual sexual wholeness, a healthy relationship, and enjoyable-for-both foreplay.

So three cheers for foreplay!