I wasn’t trying to become a Christian sex author and speaker. But as I explain in My Story:
God has had His hand on my sex life. I know where I’d be without Him. While some people’s faith testimonies are easily proclaimed in public, my biggest witness is not. How do I admit in the middle of a Bible class that my Amazing Grace moment should be sung “that saved a wench like me”?
You see, I had a premarital promiscuous past, and that baggage stuck with me for a long time. But God redeemed me, blessed my marriage with sexual intimacy, and sent me into conversations with wives about understanding sex as a gift. It became a calling, then a blog, and finally a ministry.
Sexual Baggage Is Inevitable
No one enters marriage without sexual baggage. For some, it’s like a backpack holding a few wrong messages about romance or men/women, mild body image issues, that sort of thing. For others, it’s a heavy trunk with the effects of past sexual trauma, childhood abuse, demand or force within a relationship, etc. Many of us fall in between those extremes.
But no matter who we are and what we experienced, we absorbed myths about ourselves, our partners, and sex itself that don’t align with God’s plan. How long it takes to work that out and what help you need depends on how much baggage you have.
Working that out, however, is a worthy goal! You likely have more than one piece of luggage, so you may need to take each in turn to get through to the other side. That other side being where God wants us to be—delighting in His gift of healthy and holy sexual intimacy.
About My Baggage
I dragged into my marriage multiple issues, including body image concerns, fear of abandonment, and especially guilt from the sexual encounters I had before my marriage. As I said, rather frankly, in My Story:
Through high school and college, I became a curious participant, then technical virgin, and finally slut.
In my mid-twenties, however, I realized how steeped I was in the negative consequences of handling this ever-so-serious business as flippantly as I would choose an ice cream flavor. I’d ponder for a while how far I’d go with a guy, but I never walked out of the store without getting a scoop of What-were-you-thinking!
But why did I do all that to begin with? Why was I such a “curious participant”? And why did I find it so difficult to stop doing what I didn’t really want to do? Why was promiscuity so appealing?
I’ve hinted at reasons before, but today, I’m ready to tell you a whole lot more. Why? Because everyone who might have been negatively affected by me openly sharing about my past is gone.
My father died 10 years ago, and my mother has advanced dementia such that I’m familiar and she enjoys seeing me, but she doesn’t know who I am. My parents’ siblings have all passed. And my oldest sister has severe dementia as well, due to strokes. Leaving just me and my other sister who supports me speaking up.
Why Some Women Sleep Around
I don’t speak for all women of course! But my tale is likely to be relatable for some wives out there. And that is why I’m telling it today. Perhaps my story will help you better identify yours and find your way to God’s redemption.
I grew up as a preacher’s kid, but what was presented to the world and what happened inside my house were quite different. To the congregation, my father was a jovial, compassionate man who spoke well, had a great sense of humor, and was enjoyable to be around. But at home, we walked on eggshells, not sure when the next explosion might occur. Yes, he could be jovial, humorous, and enjoyable. But he could also be critical, controlling, and cruel.
He abused my mother in ways that I cannot begin to describe. One mercy is that I never saw him hit her, but when I was in 8th grade and my mom announced that she was leaving my dad because he’d beaten her, I didn’t bat an eye. It was in keeping with who I knew him to be.
My parents didn’t divorce (then). They reconciled. But when I reached my teens, I no longer wanted physical affection from the man who’d also lose his temper and scream at me, his red face inches from mine. I pulled away.
Meanwhile, when I reached puberty, I looked like a 13-year-old girl and that’s where my body stayed until I had kids. I had little-to-no breasts, a straight build, and not much on the backside either. My one saving grace was good legs! (Maybe because of marching band?) Plus, I was somewhat awkward, at least until high school. And by then, my body image was pretty solidified as “not attractive.” It didn’t help that both of my older sisters were gorgeous. By comparison, I felt like the ugly duckling.
So here I was, not getting male affection from my father anymore but still wanting it. Also, my sense was that guys would be seriously settling to pick me out of the available girls out there, so I needed an edge. Add to that a family and church atmosphere that took the attitude toward sex of DON’T: don’t do it, don’t talk about it, don’t even think about it. And being a curious person, that made me all the more interested.
Fooling around became my way of getting male attention, feeling better about my body, and satisfying my curiosity. But of course, that’s no way to build a relationship. Pretty soon, my sexual partner would lose interest and leave. Teenage Me responded by upping my willingness and, to be honest, working on my “skills.” If I could make it really good for him, he’d want me, right? He’d stay, right? He’d reassure me that I was worthy of his love, right?
You can see how this created a downward spiral. I’d get a guy, engage sexually with him, and eventually lose him. Sometimes, I broke up, but more often, I was rejected.
Enter fear of abandonment.
My luggage was stacking up.
Are You Tired of Dragging It Around?
We tend to grow tired of dragging our sexual baggage long before we’re ready to let it go. After all, while costing us in the long run, it often serves a short-term purpose.
When I slept with a guy, he almost always held me afterward. And that affection spoke to an empty place inside me that longed for comfort. Looking back, I see it as a glimpse of what God intended when you pursue His way. But done my own way, that comfort was fleeting. And left me feeling more hollow than before.
I made choices that led to my sexual baggage.
But some of you have baggage that wasn’t your choice at all. If you experienced trauma, you may have reacted in ways that helped you survive … yet don’t serve you well now. Still, you clutch it, unsure what would happen if you didn’t have that coping mechanism. Or maybe not knowing how to let go.
I lived with my burden for years and years. In fact, I leaned further and further into my bad choices. Once I crossed the line—aka “lost my virginity” (what a stupid phrase!)—I figured I was damaged goods anyway, so why bother trying to go back? My baggage just got heavier, until I felt smothered by it.
Where Does Healing Begin?
Jesus Christ invites us:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28–30
But it took me several times of going to Jesus to finally accept that He had it covered. I really could let it go. God forgave me long before I received His forgiveness. So if you’ve tried and tried but still feel the weight of your past, the heaviness of lies you believed, the guilt of your actions, try again. It worked for David. It worked for Peter. It worked for me.
And remember that you’re not alone. You may worry about being judged, but again, no one enters marriage without sexual baggage. No one. We’re also invited in Scripture to: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Although it was difficult to confess my promiscuous past, once I did, I received disapproval from a few fellow believers but support and encouragement from far more. Some found my authenticity refreshing and even inspiring. I broke the taboo by speaking about my experience with sex, and others came to see that we can and should talk about it. And that God has answers.
Those answers may include help from mature believers. I searched the scriptures to better understand God’s design for sex, but I also read books, watched a few video series, and had private conversations with trustworthy friends. I’ve also seen professional counselors through the years to process my family-of-origin issues and learn healthier approaches.
I’m still a work in process! But if you’d known J. Parker at age 22, you’d have NEVER guessed she’d have a ministry helping wives and couples pursue godly sexual intimacy in their marriages. If anything comes of my 16 years writing and speaking about sex, it’s this hope: God didn’t give up on me, and He won’t give up on you.
Jesus is the hero of your story. You walk into the Hotel of Marriage hauling a whole set of luggage carrying the lies, hurts, fears, and more that you picked up along the way, and He says, “Just go up to the room and relax. I’ll take care of these.”
We all have sexual baggage. Maybe it’s time to finally let go.
