Category Archives: Sexual Intimacy Encouragement

4 Things Your Husband Wants from You in Bed

What does your husband want in bed? I can’t say exactly, since I don’t know your husband. However, I have interacted with so many husbands now that I feel confident about what many want from their wives.

Mind you, this is not all men. For example, if you’re a higher-drive wife, your husband may have less interest in one or all of these. If you’re in an abusive marriage, physically or emotionally, these may not apply either (and you should seek help immediately). But for oh-so-many marriages, here are four things your husband wants from you in bed.

Access

Obviously, your husband wants access to you to have sex. The issue of gatekeeping comes up a lot when speaking to hubbies. Gatekeeping is defined as “the activity of controlling, and usually limiting, general access to something” (Oxford Dictionary). Plenty of wives are the gatekeepers of sexual intimacy in their marriage—controlling and limiting it denying access to their husbands.

Now let’s not swing this pendulum too far on the other side, because of course you have say in when and how sex happens. It’s also not okay for a husband to demand access whenever he feels like having a good romp!

But access to you and your body shouldn’t be so limited that it feels like the gate is chained and padlocked most of the time. You got married, sex is supposed to be part of marriage, and access is part of that. If access has been seriously limited, I’m not telling you to shut up and go do it with your hubby. Rather, you need to ask why you’ve been gatekeeping and address that underlying issue. (See Leaving the Path of Refusal from The Forgiven Wife.)

Another part of access comes into play after you’ve decided to have sex. Do you hide yourself from him? For instance, insisting on making love in the dark so he cannot see your body? Keeping your legs more closed than open because you worry about what’s down there? Avoiding certain activities because they make you feel more sexual than you’re comfortable with?

If so, it’s time to address those issues too. Why are you hiding, and what steps do you need to take to start giving more access to your husband in the bedroom?

Confidence

The first time I heard this, I was in college. A male friend told me that, when it came to a woman being sexy, confidence mattered more than looks. Of course I doubted that.

But it’s been mentioned so many times now by men I’ve come across that I just have to accept they mean it. I’m not saying men don’t notice a pretty woman, but confidence is a real key to having sex appeal. And hubbies are invested in the one woman they want to be with—the one they want to see strut into the bedroom with confidence.

How can you, wife, feel confident about your body and your sexuality? Well, if you’re struggling with your looks, I had a whole feeling beautiful series you can check out. Our podcast also did an episode on Body Image, as well as one with husbands giving the male perspective on Guy Talk – A Wife’s Beauty.

As for your sexuality, my best recommendation is to get my book, Intimacy Revealed, which will walk you through how God created you to be a sexual being who can and should experience pleasure and intimacy in the marriage bed.

Intimacy Revealed Ad

There’s also the principle of fake it till you make it. Now before you tell me that’s deceptive, I’m not suggesting you lie. You should be honest about how you feel, but acting as if something is true has been shown to be a very effective way of changing your attitude. Too often, we think a mental shift must occur before our behavior can change, but transformation can happen the other way around as well.

So try these little tips to feel more confident about your body and your sexuality:

  • Wear lingerie that flatters your figure
  • Use soft, low lighting or a colored bulb in your lamp (some light, but not too much)
  • Display confidence with your body language, such as open posturing, eye contact, and initiating touch
  • Memorize scriptures that remind you of your worth and rehearse them as you enter the bedroom or begin sexual activity (e.g., Psalm 139:14, Song of Songs 4:7, Song of Songs 7:10)

Confidence is also naturally increased when you feel like you know what you’re doing. That’s one of the reasons I started my ministry—to give wives specific sex tips from a Christian point of view. You can find lots of them in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

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For more great tips on how to have sizzling sex, check out this book for wives!

Engagement

Imagine you went on a date with your husband, but he complained about having to go, he looked bored or distracted much of the time, and he intimated that he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Does that sound like a good date?

Obviously not. And yet, sometimes wives approach sex that way. They can be frustrated by the time it takes, aren’t really into it when it’s happening, and show with words or actions that they want it to be over quickly. Understandably, that makes sex a far lesser experience—for both of you.

In contrast, hubbies tell me they love, love, love when their wives are really engaged. Whether it’s her initiating sex, her speaking up for what she desires, her taking charge of some aspect of lovemaking (like choosing the position), or her showing her excitement through sounds, words, and expressions, knowing she’s deeply engaged in sex is both arousing and satisfying to him. Even better, watching her orgasm.

Remember, ladies, that our sexual response is often different from a man’s, meaning we may not arrive as excited about the prospect of sex as he is, but if we decide to show up and engage, we can reach those heights of arousal and enjoy the experience. The pleasure can indeed be mutual.

Appreciation

Men are a wonderful paradox—on one hand, so strong and masculine, and on the other, fragile in their egos at times. I hope I’m not offending any guys here, but I’ve repeatedly heard this from the male species. (Also, see For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn.) They long to know they’re desired and appreciated for who they are, including their sexuality.

It’s a deeply meaningful thing for your husband to hear that you appreciate his body, his sexuality, and the way he makes you feel in the bedroom. For some hubbies, his penis in particular is important, in that he wants to know you like and value it too. (Check out Are You a Fan of Your Husband’s Man-Part?)

You can show appreciation by speaking positively about his body and his sexuality, by touching his body and specifically his penis, by vocalizing your pleasure and enjoyment, by thanking him or reminiscing fondly about a good sexual experience you’ve had together. Just let him know you appreciate who he is in your marriage bed.

There you go! Four things your husband, most likely, wants in bed.

Can you show up tomorrow and give him all of those? Maybe not. It may take some time to get there. And that’s okay. Just take the first step in the right direction, then another, and another. Eventually, you will find that you are indeed accessible to him, confident, engaged, and appreciative.

7 Ideas to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with Your Spouse

I’m not Catholic, so I didn’t grow up learning much of anything about St. Patrick. As far as I knew, his holiday was about drinking, leprechauns, and getting pinched if you didn’t wear green. Which made a young child wonder why this guy was a saint.

However, I’ve since learned that St. Patrick was captured by Irish Pirates at age 16 and taken from his home in Britain to be a slave in Ireland. He spent six years there before returning to his family. Afterward, he dug deeply into his faith and later returned to Ireland as a missionary, spreading Christianity and, as legend has it, using the three-leafed shamrock to explain the trinity.

While we usually think of St. Valentine’s Day as the holiday that gets attention with our spouse, a Facebook community member recently posted: “St. Patrick’s Day is coming up in a few weeks. Any fun ideas that you are planning with your spouse?

Challenge accepted!

And because this is the holiday of luck, here are seven suggestions for celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with your spouse, from romantic to sexy.

1. Snuggle up and watch a movie set in Ireland.

Maureen O’Hara & John Wayne in The Quiet Man

I’m partial to the classic The Quiet Man, that film being my favorite John Wayne flick, but you can find a list of possibilities here: 43 Of The Best Irish Movies To Watch Before You Visit Ireland.

I do not vouch for those movies being good or even okay to watch! Do your homework, y’all. (Common Sense Media and/or Focus on the Family’s Plugged In will often have a movie review that tells you exactly what to expect.)

2. Dance together to Irish music.

Pick an Irish/Celtic playlist on Spotify or Pandora, grab your partner, and dance to the the rhythm! Or try one of these options:

3. Wear undies that say on the front, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

Found these on Amazon.com – click the image to see

4. Check out the St. Patrick’s Day Resources from The Dating Divas.

The Dating Divas is a website dedicated to dating your sweetheart after you get married! They have hundreds of ideas, including holiday-themed dates. And yes, they have St. Patrick’s Day.

5. Dye your down-there hair green.

Yes, it’s really a trend. One I don’t understand, but hey, if you feel so moved, WikiHow even has instructions.

(Gives a whole new meaning to “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”)

6. Leave notes around the house, leading your spouse to the bedroom.

  • “Feeling lucky? Head to the bedroom.”
  • “Don’t kiss the blarney stone. Come kiss me!”
  • “You can rub me for luck!”
  • “I don’t need Irish whiskey to make me frisky!”
  • “I want to taste your lucky charms!”
  • “Irish you were inside me!”
  • “Let’s rock, baby. Let’s sham-rock!” (I don’t even know what that one means.)

7. Make Love.

What? You don’t think that’s Irish? I beg to differ. Ireland’s fertility rate is 1.92 children per woman, so some couples on that big island are having sex. Follow suit, and go have fun!

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For more great tips on how to have sizzling sex, check out this book for wives!

Here’s How to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex

Having sex can be awkward. Oddly enough, talking about sex can be even more awkward.

Blog post title + couple talking in bed

How do you bring up to your concerns, desires, or ideas to your spouse? What issues should you even talk about? How can you get them to understand you, and how can you possibly understand them?

It’s not easy, because you are two different people, with different histories, different perspectives, and different longings. But guess what? I’m making it much easier for you!

Pillow Talk Book Cover, click to learn more or find buy links

I’ve released a new book titled Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples. It provides you the framework for having productive conversations on all kinds of topics from kissing to sexual fantasies to frequency to erogenous zones to sexual baggage and much more.

This book is not prescriptive on what exactly your sex life should look like, but rather helps you discuss how you can address the sexual intimacy part of your marriage in a way that honors and satisfies both of you.

For some reading this, that may seem like a tall order. But I can’t think of anything in this book that would be problematic for either a higher-desire spouse or a lower-desire spouse. You each get the opportunity to express where you are and what you think. Of course, you’re often encouraged to not settle for the here-and-now but to pursue healthier and holier sexual intimacy, because that’s God’s design—for both of you and for your marriage.

To learn more about the book, head over to the Pillow Talk page on my site. You’ll find a full description, a sample view, and buy links. For a short time, the Pillow Talk ebook is offered at an introductory price of only $2.99! The print book is coming in early 2019.

I pray this resource will bless many marriages! Happy New Year.

Christmas Gift Certificates for Your Spouse

I like giving a holiday gift to my readers—something that says both Merry Christmas and thank you! After all, I wouldn’t be here but for those of you who read, follow, subscribe, share, and comment on my posts.

This year, I took an oldie but goodie and updated it! Below are downloadable gift certificates for wife and husband to tuck into one another’s stockings or place under the tree. Each certificate entitles the bearer to a loving or sexy gift and includes a quote from Song of Songs.

Print them all to create a book or stack of certificates or simply use the ones you like and leave the rest behind. For sturdier certificates, print on photo paper or card stock. Each page has three certificates, and you merely need to cut the page horizontally into thirds.

Gift certificates for him: Click HERE to Download

Preview

Christmas-Gift-Certificates-for-Him

Gift certificates for her: Click HERE to Download

Preview

Christmas-Gift-Certificates-for-Her

Merry Christmas!

from J at Hot, Holy & Humorous

Some previous years’ gifts:

#1 Myth Christian Men Learned About Sex

My last post covered what I believe to be the top myth women learn about sex in Christian circles: Sex is for him. (If you haven’t, go read the whole post here.) Today I wanted to follow up with what I’ve concluded is the top myth Christian men learn.

Again, this is not a scientific conclusion, since I don’t have data to back me up. But I listened to men — in person, online, in articles, in research, etc. — and asked husbands in my closed Facebook group to give their answers. And nearly all responses related to this one myth:

Your sexuality is a problem.

While we see messages in the opposite direction — that something’s wrong with a guy who isn’t wanting it all the time — most Christian men seem to hear at one point or another that their sexuality is a problem for them and/or their wife. Why? Because it’s too shallow, too intense, too aggressive … just too much.

You have my sympathy, men. And my acceptance — because I wholeheartedly believe God created male sexuality to be a wonderful benefit to marriage.

God created male sexuality to be a wonderful benefit to marriage. @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet

Let’s look at the some of the specific messages husbands reported learning about sex that lead to this overall myth that his sexuality is a big, big problem.

You have to earn sex.

We speak both seriously and jokingly about all the things a husband must do to create the right atmosphere for her to say yes. And while there’s some real truth to that, it can also feel to a man like sex is a reward he has to earn. His sexuality only gets attention when he follows all the “rules” or completes the necessary requirements.

As an intimacy author and speaker, I can attest to the difficulty in threading this needle just so — because yes, we should put forth effort to make sex feasible and meaningful, but it shouldn’t be used as a bargaining tool. (See The Bad Plan of Bartering for Sex.)

Your desire for sexual intimacy with your wife should matter more than you taking out the garbage or mowing the lawn. Those are good things too, but you shouldn’t be made to feel like sex is a treat you earn.

Emotional intimacy is better.

Through the years, several husbands have reported going to Christian marriage counseling, bringing up the lack of sex in their marriage, and being told by the counselor that sex wasn’t that important — that the wife’s desire for emotional closeness through communication and affection were far more worthwhile.

Um, excuse me, would someone like to tell God that?

We have biblical commands to make love in marriage, but — racking my brain — I cannot think of a scripture that specifically says we must converse in marriage. Now don’t go away thinking that you’re off the hook! Because all those verses about loving each other strongly imply that you listen, engage, and respect your spouse. But my point is simply that sex is clearly important in marriage, because it’s specifically addressed in God’s Word.

More importantly, sex is emotional. Or should be. Emotional intimacy matters! But sexual intimacy should not be pushed to the side as if it is lesser than. Especially when that’s a significant way many husbands connect emotionally to their wives.

She’ll never enjoy it as much as you do.

Some men are prepped from the get-go to believe that their sexuality is and will be a problem, because she won’t like it the way he does. Thus, it becomes this conundrum of how he can satisfy his sexual longings while not being too much of a bother to his wife.

Husbands choose different strategies, such as playing “will she or won’t she?” with tentative advances or attempts to read her mood day by day. Perhaps they try to get sex over with quickly, and some wives encourage this (because they heard their own myths), or they downplay her orgasm. They might masturbate instead of pursuing her.  Or simply build up resentment against their sex drive.

Meanwhile, husbands with higher-drive wives are caught off-guard to discover that she enjoys it as much or more than he does. And squaring the myth with the reality proves challenging, and can even make him feel like less of a man. (You’re not, but I get it. See A Letter to the Low-Drive Husband.)

Look, few couples have equally matched sex drives. About 70-80% of the time, the husband has the greater desire. But that’s still a lot of marriages where it’s the wife. Regardless, if the mismatch causes a problem — it’s a we problem that you just have to work out together.

She’ll enjoy it as much as you do.

Hold up, hold up, you’re saying. This is the exact opposite of the previous point, so how they can both count as spreading the overall myth? Great question! But what I noticed in husbands’ responses is some guys learned that if you wait until marriage, both husband and wife will be all over each other, all the time, and it will be fantastic — like Skittles candy rainbows all day, every day.

And then, they get married, and it doesn’t happen quite like that. So they conclude on their own or get told that their sexuality is the problem. Perhaps it seems like they want sex too much. Or what actually happens is that she enjoys it more than he does — and what on earth are you supposed to do with that?! 

We are complex beings, with a range of physiology, personality, values, and experiences that all shape your sexual interest. When you get married, an individual marries an individual, and then your sexuality becomes about our sexuality — and you have to work that out together. Welcome to the challenges and joys of relationship!

Once you’re married, temptation will end.

“Once you get married, you won’t be so tempted to lust or watch porn because you’ll be getting sex with your wife.” And you might think this doesn’t work with the whole your sexuality is a problem myth, because on its face, this statement sounds like your sexuality isn’t a problem — as long as it’s directed at your wife.

But when you get married, and you’re still struggling, you can feel like your sexuality is a problem. When what’s actually a problem is sin

We probably use food analogies with sex too often, but they work so well! So here I go: The idea that getting married will quash your porn habit makes about as much sense as saying that a well-prepared meal will keep you from eating junk food between meals. Good food will help, but if you’ve trained yourself to raid the pantry every day for Red Bull and Twinkies, that habit isn’t going to go away just because someone put a healthy salad in your face. And the problem isn’t food, but your misuse of it.

You have to work on the bad habits and the temptation itself. A quality sex life can help, but it will not stop you from sinning. And really, your sin will make it difficult for you to have a quality sex life, because your spouse deserves your full sexual attention.

Is Male Sexuality a Problem?

Some Christian men received a mixed message that could almost be expressed as: Left to its own, the male sexual desire is a savage beast beating at its cage, and if completely released, it can wreak destruction! … So go use it with the woman you love.

Wait, what?! Even if your sex drive is an animal, you can train it. Just like you have to train everything in your life! As a child, you had to figure out how to walk, how to talk, how to use the bathroom (they even call it potty training). But nobody says walking, eating, and using the bathroom are a problem. They are good and healthy parts of being human, knit together by the Master Himself.

One particular husband in my Facebook group summarized so well how some men have been made to feel about their sexuality:

“…it’s not just that we are taught our sexual feelings are ‘big and bad’, which we totally are. It’s that we are not taught that our sexuality is as divinely appointed a part of the whole of who we are as is our spirituality, our intelligence, our physicality, etc. We are taught, or left to conclude, that our sexual self and all of the accompanying feelings, is corrupt, fallen, should be despised, and must be defeated. It’s not just our actual struggles we feel guilty about, it is for having sexuality.”

Ray, married 26 years

If you’ve been taught your sexuality is bad, gentlemen, that’s a lie. Yes, Satan desires to twist anything and everything in our lives to move us away from the vast blessings God can give us. But your sexuality is from God, and He knew exactly what He was doing when He created you.  “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:14).

Your sexuality is from God, and He knew exactly what He was doing when He created you. @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet

If your sexuality has been marred by sin, address that! But embrace your sexuality itself as a God-given benefit to your marriage, one that can spur you on to greater intimacy with your wife.