Get to the Root of Your Sex Problem with the 5 Whys

Tue, 19 Nov 2024 23:52:34 +0000

The 5 Whys is a problem-solving technique first proposed by Taiichi Ohno, an executive with the Toyota Motor Corporation. He suggested getting to the root cause of a problem by asking a series of whys. While his method was developed and is primarily used in the business world, it can be helpful with personal problems as well. It might even help you figure out why your marriage is struggling in the sexual arena.

How the Five Whys Works

Let’s start with how this approach can help uncover a task-oriented problem—the original purpose of the technique. Imagine I missed a podcast episode deadline. (Not a stretch, believe me.) I’d start by stating the obvious:

Problem: I missed the deadline.

And then I ask why, using each answer to spur the next question:

Why did I miss my deadline? I didn’t have enough time to complete it.
Why didn’t I have enough time to complete it? I only left a couple of hours to do it.
Why did I leave only a couple of hours? I didn’t think the project would take as long as it did.
Why did the project take longer than expected? There were a lot of places in the audio file where I needed to cut out extraneous stuff.
Why were there a lot of places with extraneous stuff? My fellow hosts kept getting off topic.

Kidding! I kid. This is not why I’ve missed a podcast deadline. My cohosts are delightful! But you can see how one could get to the underlying issue.

I could have stopped after Why #3 and decided that I simply need to leave more time for editing in the future, or I could conclude by Why #5 that we need to stay on track better during recordings. But either way, continuing to ask why until you get to deeper issues can help reveal your next steps in solving the problem.

Tackling Your Sex Problem

We can try this method with a couple of common sex problems and see whether it can reveal underlying issues. How about not making love often enough?

Problem: We only have sex a few times a month, if that.

A wife might sit down and write out her whys and answers for what she and her husband aren’t sexually connecting as much as they used to.

Why are we having sex only a few times a month? We don’t have time for it.
Why don’t we have time for it? We’re too busy with work, kids, and more.
Why are we too busy with work, kids, and more? We’re involved in so much stuff.
Why are we involved in so much stuff? Some, because we need to be; some, because we choose to be.
Why do we choose to be involved in so much stuff? We’re not good at saying no to others so we can say yes to ourselves.

Maybe you can relate to that one. Or maybe not. Your reasons might be entirely different. What if someone else has the same issue but different reasons? Perhaps a husband would sit down and write something like:

Why are we having sex only a few times a month? My wife says no to more than that.
Why does my wife say no to more sex? She says she doesn’t like it that much.
Why does she not like it that much? She won’t let me focus on figuring out how to really arouse her and bring her to orgasm.
Why won’t she let me focus on her? She seems to believe that sex is for me, not her.
Why does my wife believe that sex is for me and not her? She grew up hearing that wives owe their husbands sex.

Same issue, different underlying problem. And therefore, a different approach is needed to resolve the issue.

Now what about when the problem is your own, but it’s wreaking havoc on the sexual intimacy in your marriage? Someone recently wrote me about his wife consuming erotica so much that it constitutes infidelity. Let’s roll with that scenario—recognizing that I don’t know the actual reason why that particular wife engages in “mommy porn.”

Problem: You’re reading and watching a lot of erotica.

Why are you reading and watching a lot of erotica? Because I enjoy it.
Why do you enjoy it? It makes me feel sexy.
Why does it make you feel sexy? I can imagine how good it would feel to do some of those edgy activities.
Why would it feel good to do edgy activities? I would feel more in control of my arousal.
Why do you want to feel more in control? I felt used when I was younger, by men who wanted stuff from me, and I don’t want to feel that anymore.

Very often, when someone gets caught up with porn or erotica, it’s because of a past wound. Digging deep with why can unveil root causes for behaviors you want to stop, or at least know you should stop, but can’t seem to quit. Until you deal with that root cause, you may find breaking away near impossible. You’re just cleaning the surface when the real problem is a deep clog in the system that must get cleared out.

What Why Reveals

You may not need to go through five why questions to get to the root cause of an issue. You might find the answer after two, three, or four inquiries. It’s not about the number 5, but rather digging down into our internal reasons for what we are, or our spouse is, doing.

As much as I believe that spouses and couples can benefit from straightforward tips on having great sex, plenty of marriages are dealing with more complex issues. They need to start with addressing their sexual story; that is, what they’ve dealt with thus far that led them to the sexual struggle they now have. In those cases, sex tips aren’t the right place to start. Rather, you need to figure out your underlying why.

Only then can you discover the root causes of your reluctance to engage, or the way your identity is wrapped up in your sexuality, or the baggage you can’t seem to let go of, or the reason why a spouse’s single rejection flattens your heart. You may also discover that you’re not entirely over that porn (it’s still influencing your expectations), that trauma (you’re understandably triggered), or that heartbreak (things didn’t go the way you expected). And you simply won’t have great sex—much less true sexual intimacy (the real goal)—until you address the foundational causes of your struggle.

In addition to all that, the why reveals two major issues we all need to fess up to:

We live in a broken world that negatively affects all of us, meaning we’re all sexually broken to some extent.
We need the Spirit to intervene and heal our broken places.

Bringing It Into the Light

Let’s face it: confession sucks. Yes, there’s all that “confession is good for the soul” stuff, but the actual moment of bringing our deep issues out into the open can be awkward, embarrassing, and anxiety-inducing. That said, I’m a fan of bringing stuff into the light! After all, Luke 8:17 says: “For nothing is concealed that won’t be revealed, and nothing hidden that won’t be made known and brought to light.” As my bestie used to tell her children: “The truth will out.” Better to have the truth come to and through you than to have it revealed by outside accusers like a bright lamp in an interrogation room.

Once you discover the root causes of your sexual problems, through the five whys or another approach, what next? You should share that light with others. That is, you should tell others what you’ve learned and talk about what to do next.

That could include a spouse, a trusted friend or mentor, your pastor, an issue-specific support group, or a counselor, but don’t just take note of the why and move on. Use that information to seek the help and healing you need.

Of course, you should cover this whole process in prayer. After all, it’s God Himself who is the light and can bring true illumination to our lives. Ask for His wisdom on what next and keep checking in with Him as you pursue healing.

The 5 Whys of God

If you’re wondering whether you can trust God with your sexual struggle, your underlying issues, your deep secrets, how about trying the five whys method to this question?

Problem: I don’t fully trust God with my sex stuff.

Why don’t I trust God with my sex stuff?

Some of you would answer that the Church shamed you about sex, or biblical passages have been used against you, or you were sexually mistreated by another Christian, or something else. Or maybe you have a less painful answer. Regardless, go through the five-why approach and discover why you’re holding back.

And then ask whether that represents the true God—who created sex, who intended it to bless married couples, who doesn’t hold our sin against us after we repent (see Psalm 103:12), and who is close to the brokenhearted (see Psalm 34:18). Maybe you can trust Him after all.