Some believe that Christian marital intimacy speakers and writers overemphasize sexuality in marriage. It can seem at times that we are obsessed with sex.

When you write about this area of marriage, you do think about sex a lot. You hear people’s stories, contemplate topics, and research the subject in secular sources and the Bible.

Yet while I often consider the broad topic and specific issues about sexuality, my own married sex life doesn’t get nearly as much contemplation. Sure, I anticipate it, flirt with my husband about it, remember special times we made love, and engage in beautiful intimacy with my man. But I’m not obsessed.

Why? Well, in Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis made the analogy of food to sex—to convey how those obsessed with food or sex are either terribly hungry or overly indulged. He said, “Starving men may think much about food, but so do gluttons; the gorged, as well as the famished, like titillations.”

Let’s break down Dr. Lewis’s descriptions more.

Starved

Have you ever had to go without food for a period of time? Maybe you were stuck in meetings all day or had to fast for bloodwork or didn’t have anything more than an apple and expired milk in your fridge. (Live on the edge, drink the milk!) Go without food for a while, and you will not be able to ignore the fact that you are desperately hungry!

Even worse is when you’re in the presence of delicious food and can’t have any. This is why hangry dieters absolutely hate watching their super-thin friend eating chocolate éclairs. When you’re really hungry, the presence of food in your midst is like dangling a million bucks in front of a poor person.

I believe the same happens in marriages where one spouse is around the person they love and yet are unable to sate their intimate desire for that person. The lack of what you need and want is on your mind because you cannot scratch that itch often enough, or in some sad cases ever, so your mind turns its attention to that aspect. The spouse who desires physical intimacy and doesn’t get it anywhere near enough can become obsessed with sex, even pleading or begging their mate to engage.

Because they are sex-starved! It’s no wonder that sex is seemingly always on their mind.

Saturated

On the other hand, how many of you could work at Godiva Chocolatier and not want to taste-test every single truffle? Or stay thin while working in a bakery? When you place yourself in a saturated environment, you’ll think long and often about your surroundings.

It’s easy to obsess about sex when you metaphorically line the walls with it—which includes looking at porn, reading erotica, shopping at certain sex stores, etc. You may be having sex with your spouse (yummy truffle), but it may not feel like enough.

The secular world makes this particularly difficult to manage. Music, movies and TV, magazines and newspapers, and even our conversations are inundated with sexuality. With so many ways to partake, it’s easy to fall victim to indulgence.

One can become so obsessed with having more sex, better sex, and even riskier sex, that the person with whom they are engaging is little more than cheesecake on a plate to satisfy a sweet tooth. The sex-saturated don’t feel that they’ve had enough, or maybe that they are enough, because their attention is rapt by sex itself and not by intimacy with their mate.

Satisfied

When the physical intimacy in marriage is healthy, you don’t need to obsess about sex. It’s there when you need and want it, and if it isn’t available at the moment, it won’t be long before you have a taste of it again. Moreover, the sexuality between a couple isn’t the focus of their relationship, although it is still an important aspect.

(For a quick self-check, see Are You Having Enough Sex? – Kevin A. Thompson.)

Just as the body needs food, sleep, exercise, etc. to remain healthy, so a marriage needs emotional, spiritual, and relational intimacy in addition to physical intimacy. All aspects are important in keeping a marriage healthy.

Avoid starvation or saturation and find true satisfaction in marital sexuality.

Sure, I’m on this topic a lot, but I don’t think I’m personally obsessed. I’m like the person advocating for feeding the starving in a third-world country or your personal trainer batting away that Hershey bar and telling you to get on the treadmill already. I’d like to see more of us here in category number three: sex-satisfied.

Are you starved, saturated, or satisfied? What can you personally do to adjust your attitude and marital intimacy to be in the satisfied category?

[This article was originally published on The Marriage Bed in 2013, but has been revised and updated.)

The post Do You Think About Sex Too Much? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

As I stated last year, I am not endorsing these books. In fact, I never endorse a book I haven’t read. These are simply books on my reading list. If I believe they’re worthwhile, I’ll share my review in the future. (You might want to check out my Goodreads account.)

[Italicized descriptions are from the author/publisher, and links are Amazon affiliates.]

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner Davis. It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. Do you? If you want to stop fighting about sex and revitalize your intimate connection with your spouse, then you need this book. In The Sex-Starved Marriage, bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis will help you understand why being complacent or bitter about ho-hum sex might cost you your relationship.

This book seems to hit many intimacy experts’ recommended lists. I’ve actually read a couple of chapters, but I didn’t get far enough. I’m going to knock this one out in 2015.

Every Young Woman’s Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World by Shannon Ethridge & Stephen Arterburn. Whether you have so far protected yourself emotionally and sexually, feel that you’ve been robbed of your purity, or have given in to temptation in some way, this book can help you achieve or reclaim sexual integrity. It can also guide you through the temptations and pressures of young adulthood while demonstrating how you can live your life to the fullest–without regrets.

There’s also an Every Woman’s Battle book, but I thought I’d read this one from the perspective for younger women. This age can be especially difficult, and it’s a time to set the tone for how you approach sex in life. Of course, you can recalibrate later, but it’s good to get it right from early on if you can.

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman. With his characteristic warmth and humor, Dr. Kevin Leman offers a practical guide to sex according to God’s plan. This frank and practical book is a perfect resource for married and engaged couples. Dr. Leman addresses a wide spectrum of people, from those with no sexual experiences to those with past sexual problems or even abuse. Using frank descriptions, this book has a warm and friendly tone that will help couples overcome awkwardness in discussing an issue important to all married couples.

This is a re-read. I’ve recommended this book before, but I found it at my local Half-Price Books (I’d loaned out my copy and, interestingly, never got it back) and want to revisit what Dr. Leman says about sexual intimacy.

For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn. The man in your life carries important feelings so deep inside he barely knows they’re there, much less how to talk about them. Yet your man genuinely wants you to “get” him—to understand his inner life, to know his fears and needs, to hear what he wishes he could tell you. In her landmark bestseller, For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn reveals what every woman—single or married—needs to know.

This is another re-read for me, but I want to revisit the concepts here. I’m also hoping to read Feldhahn’s most recent book, The Good News About Marriage: Debunking Discouraging Myths about Marriage and Divorce.

Songs in the Key of Solomon: In the Word…and in the Mood by John & Anita Renfroe. Filled with insights from a real couple on real issues, Songs in the Key of Solomon will get you and your spouse laughing, thinking, sharing, touching, and praying — possibly all during the same reading. Each offering in this devotional is designed to spark connections around issues that matter, so you’ll deepen your emotional, spiritual, and physical unity and ignite new levels of intimacy. (One devotional involves a bathtub and some candles…try not to get stuck on that one page over and over again.)

I don’t know Anita Renfroe, but she absolutely seems like my kind of lady — able to be funny when a laugh is what you need and serious when issues run deeper. And since I’m encouraging everyone else to read a sex devotional book this year (Intimacy Revealed!), I thought it’d be nice for my husband and I to go through some marriage-bed devotions ourselves.

Lovemaking: Enjoy Extravagant Intimacy in Your Marriage by Dan and Linda Wilson. Sex is meant to be beautiful, holy, and fun, and every married person can be skilled in the art of lovemaking. Lovemaking will help to: Increase your degree of sexual satisfaction, understand the purpose and pleasure of godly sexuality, learn how to give and receive love through sexual expression, renew passion for your mate, be equipped to be the world s greatest lover for your spouse.

Dan and Linda have both visited my site, and we share a similar vision. They let me know about the upcoming release of this book (in June, I believe), and I’m eager to read it.

The Unveiled Wife: Embracing Intimacy with God and Your Husband by Jennifer Smith. The Unveiled Wife is a real-life love story; one couple’s refreshingly raw, transparent journey touching the deep places in a marriage that only God can reach. If you are feeling disappointment or even despair about your marriage, the heart-cry of this book is: You are not alone. Discover through Jennifer’s story how God can bring you through it all to a place of transformation.

I’m soooo looking forward to this book’s release. In all my dealings with Jennifer, she has been kind, authentic, and godly, and I know her story will encourage other marriages. Look for my take on her book once I’ve read it (and maybe I can convince Jennifer to stop by).

Now what are your suggestions for the best Christian sexual intimacy books you’ve read? Or what’s on your reading list for 2015?

Of course, I’d love for you to put Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives or Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage on your list!

* * * * *

What does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?

Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.

Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.

Purchase:
Amazon for Kindle
Barnes & Noble for Nook
Print book

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