First, I have not read The Great Sex Rescue. I likely will at some point, but I have a big stack of books I have been meaning to read and my recent health issues have made reading book-length works problematic.

Second, I hadn’t planned to say anything publicly. But I’ve now been asked about the book a few times. And I recently received an email in which a wife who has read both my blog and Sheila Gregoire’s To Love Honor and Vacuum for years said it was confusing and disillusioning to have so many marriage and sex bloggers remain silent about Sheila’s newest book—particularly given the importance of its overall message, that too many resources in the evangelical Christian world promoted wrong thinking and thus bad treatment of women and sexuality.

Rather than have my silence misconstrued, I realized I needed to say something.

A Bit of Background

I’d been blogging for about six months when Sheila Gregoire shared a post of mine in a roundup magazine she used to put out. From that, I gained an influx of readers, and my site continued to grow from there.

I read her blog faithfully and guest posted for her several times. We also had a wonderful telephone conversation early on, and she gave me some great advice.

When she came to Houston in 2015 for a speaking event, I attended and finally met her in person.

Later in 2017, we met up again in San Antonio, Texas at a restaurant for lunch. It was a delightful experience, and I also got to meet her wonderful husband Keith.

When we launched our Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, Sheila was our first guest, talking about how to better teach children about sex. I have recommended her resources on my site more times than I count, and I gifted The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to my future daughter-in-law.

All in all, Sheila has been an example, a mentor, and a friend.

A Shift in Focus

Sheila has long written about a variety of topics, from marriage to sexuality to parenting to culture. Sometimes I disagreed with a point she made, but no one agrees with another person 100%. By and large, I believed she did a fantastic job of encouraging both biblical and practical thinking about marriage, sex, and family.

In the last couple of years, Sheila changed her focus somewhat. Yes, she has always cared about women’s hearts, souls, and lives, but she grew increasingly concerned, and even angry, about marriage resources she believed were harmful to women.

She began to talk about specific resources, authors, and ministries, calling on them to retract statements, apologize, and remove certain books from sale.

Message Versus Tactics

What do you do when you agree almost completely with someone’s message but disagree with their tactics?

Sheila has rightly called out damaging assumptions and teachings that have caused women, men, and their marriages harm. We’ve done the same thing in several episodes of Sex Chat for Christian Women, like these:

Episode 29: Lies Women Believe, Part 1 – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
Episode 30: Lies Women Believe, Part 2 – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
Episode 59: Myths We Learned from Pop Culture – Sex Chat for Christian Wives

And it’s been a goal of several recent marriage ministries to correct the record on such messages as:

• Sex is for both husband and wife.
• Sexual sin is not the fault of another (lust, porn, adultery, etc.) but remains with the sinner.
• Submission in marriage never excuses abuse.

I agree with Sheila Gregoire’s mission—to take on false teachings and errors and point people to better messages and godly truths about marriage and intimacy.

But at times, I’ve taken issue with her tactics. Among my concerns were:

• Taking others’ statements out of context and/or misrepresenting what they said.
• Judging motives of other authors and speakers.
• Linking all complementarian theology with mistreatment or abuse of women.
• Including what I considered leading questions in her survey.
• Gathering her 20k+ survey participants through methods that may have biased the sample.*
• Publicly attacking colleagues, particularly in ways that encouraged others to do the same.

I deeply believe that good ends do not justify questionable means.

Following the Matthew 18 example, I contacted Sheila privately. As those were private communications, I won’t share anything we said publicly. However, suffice it to say that I brought up my concerns for the tactics used while stressing that I support the overall message and mission.

One Piece of the Whole

Honestly, these past two years have been difficult for me in many respects. Some family issues, the pandemic, national politics, and ministry specifics have led to a reconfiguring of my relationships. On top of that, I’ve had health issues now for five months that limit my productivity and challenge my optimism.

God and I have had some talks.

Some of those, I’m embarrassed to say, involved “colorful language” on my part.

More of those, I’m sad to say, involved me weeping or even sobbing.

I’ve had to ask myself regarding several situations in my life: What do I do when a friend and/or fellow Christian pursues a mission that I agree with but uses means I find problematic?

As I was contemplating that question one day, a Bible verse came to mind:

They [Paul and Barnabas] had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company.

Acts 15:39

Paul and Barnabas didn’t disagree about the message—they both longed to spread the gospel of Christ. But they disagreed on tactics (whether to take John Mark), and not just a little. It was a “sharp disagreement.” It became clear that they were so far apart on the how that their disagreement couldn’t be resolved.

What did God do with that? He spread the gospel even further. Two missionary teams went out.

Do I Support The Great Sex Rescue?

I support Sheila Gregoire’s goal of sharing important truths about sexual intimacy according to God’s plan, which includes challenging wrong messages and false teachings.

However, I disagree with her tactics. I disagree enough that I’m parting ways on this particular project. I wish her well in her missionary journey while I take my missionary journey. May God bless both.

And I hope those of us in marriage ministry will take this to heart and pray for one another: “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better” (Ephesians 1:17). Then, we can help others know Him better too.

Note: I turned off comments for this post, because it is not my intent to stir up conflict, but rather to explain my own viewpoint on an important resource. If you wish to contact me about this post, you may message me at j@hotholyhumorous.com.

*CORRECTION: I originally said, “Gathering her 20k+ survey participants through methods that biased the sample.” But upon further reflection, I can’t say that for sure. I have recall about when and how this survey went out, the calls for participation, and a direct request to share the survey with my readers, and I had concerns about this approach back then. However, this snowball sampling method has been used in plenty of other research, so I changed my statement to “Gathering her 20k+ survey participants through methods that may have biased the sample.” I hope that clarifies that this is my opinion. Others may agree or disagree.

The post My Thoughts on The Great Sex Rescue appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Happily married 30 years. Both came into the marriage as virgins. Desiring to spice things up, but the purity of our past doesn’t help my husband. There is concern if he researches, he will come across websites that we’ll regret. Any direction you can send us?

Why, yes! Yes, I do have a direction to send you. Have you heard of this book?

I wrote that book specifically to answer your question! How do you make the sex in your marriage bed more exciting, intimate, and loving?

Q&A with J: Resources for Spicing Things Up in the Marriage Bed – How do you make the sex in your marriage bed more exciting, intimate, and loving? @hotholyhumorous
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It has chapters like Considering Sexual Positions, Oral Sex, The Hands-On Experience, and Using Your Body Parts. I give specific, practical tips for romance, arousal, and orgasm.

And you know what? I just saw my latest royalty statement, and I know a bunch of you haven’t bought my book yet! I don’t mean to be pushy, but seriously, y’all, WHY NOT?!

I’m really proud of this book and how it has helped couples spice things up in their marriage bed. It covers a lot of ground in a short time and can help you and your spouse start some important conversations about what sexual intimacy should look like in your marriage.

Mind you, that won’t look the same in various healthy, holy marriages. You have to figure out your own sexual repertoire. But my book can help you do that.

And it’s $10 for the ebook, less than $13 for the paperback. Jeez, y ‘all spent that the last time you drove through the hamburger joint and upsized your fries. C’mon, buy this book for your marriage!

Okay, I’m off my soapbox for a moment and will share a few other resources … since you asked.

Christian Friendly Sex Positions provides both tasteful illustrations and thorough descriptions for you to try new positions and angles. This information is also available in a recently released app, Ultimate Intimacy.

The Marriage Bed has quite a few articles with ideas for adding spice to your bedroom. You might notice that the Byerlys and I disagree on a few sexual activities, but that’s okay. We’re foundationally in sync, and good Christians can disagree about particulars. Their overall advice is excellent. And I love this article on orgasmic massage from Paul Byerly’s other website, The Generous Husband.

Awaken Love also has articles on spicing things up, as well as an online video class for women. I’ve reviewed her curriculum and found it to be solid.

If you’re looking for spicy stuff, i.e., marital aids, you can check out Married Dance, for which my podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives, is an affiliate. This company impressed me greatly when they responded directly to a concern I had about one of their products. It was clear that they desire to promote holy and healthy sex through their online store.

Other blogs I follow that give both general and specific advice for the marriage bed:

• Intimacy in Marriage
• The Forgiven Wife
• OysterBed7
• Calm.Healthy.Sexy.
• Love Hope Adventure

There are other blogs that cater more toward husbands, but my own blog feed is populated primarily with sites intended for wives.

Now I’m staring at my screen knowing I’ve forgotten some fabulous resource that I should have mentioned. If I remember more later, I’ll add them.

But in summary, BUY THIS BOOK, because I wrote it and it’s awesome, and then check out the sites above. Some of these sites will also link to other resources that could be worth checking out. That’s how I often find others as well — just the old-fashioned, can’t-beat-it word of mouth. Albeit that word is text on a trusted website.

And don’t discount one of the best ways to add spice to your marriage bed: talk and try. Discuss ideas you have, try them out, and see what you think. You might discover something truly awesome that way.

The post Q&A with J: Resources for Spicing Things Up in the Marriage Bed appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

As I stated last year, I am not endorsing these books. In fact, I never endorse a book I haven’t read. These are simply books on my reading list. If I believe they’re worthwhile, I’ll share my review in the future. (You might want to check out my Goodreads account.)

[Italicized descriptions are from the author/publisher, and links are Amazon affiliates.]

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner Davis. It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. Do you? If you want to stop fighting about sex and revitalize your intimate connection with your spouse, then you need this book. In The Sex-Starved Marriage, bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis will help you understand why being complacent or bitter about ho-hum sex might cost you your relationship.

This book seems to hit many intimacy experts’ recommended lists. I’ve actually read a couple of chapters, but I didn’t get far enough. I’m going to knock this one out in 2015.

Every Young Woman’s Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World by Shannon Ethridge & Stephen Arterburn. Whether you have so far protected yourself emotionally and sexually, feel that you’ve been robbed of your purity, or have given in to temptation in some way, this book can help you achieve or reclaim sexual integrity. It can also guide you through the temptations and pressures of young adulthood while demonstrating how you can live your life to the fullest–without regrets.

There’s also an Every Woman’s Battle book, but I thought I’d read this one from the perspective for younger women. This age can be especially difficult, and it’s a time to set the tone for how you approach sex in life. Of course, you can recalibrate later, but it’s good to get it right from early on if you can.

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman. With his characteristic warmth and humor, Dr. Kevin Leman offers a practical guide to sex according to God’s plan. This frank and practical book is a perfect resource for married and engaged couples. Dr. Leman addresses a wide spectrum of people, from those with no sexual experiences to those with past sexual problems or even abuse. Using frank descriptions, this book has a warm and friendly tone that will help couples overcome awkwardness in discussing an issue important to all married couples.

This is a re-read. I’ve recommended this book before, but I found it at my local Half-Price Books (I’d loaned out my copy and, interestingly, never got it back) and want to revisit what Dr. Leman says about sexual intimacy.

For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn. The man in your life carries important feelings so deep inside he barely knows they’re there, much less how to talk about them. Yet your man genuinely wants you to “get” him—to understand his inner life, to know his fears and needs, to hear what he wishes he could tell you. In her landmark bestseller, For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn reveals what every woman—single or married—needs to know.

This is another re-read for me, but I want to revisit the concepts here. I’m also hoping to read Feldhahn’s most recent book, The Good News About Marriage: Debunking Discouraging Myths about Marriage and Divorce.

Songs in the Key of Solomon: In the Word…and in the Mood by John & Anita Renfroe. Filled with insights from a real couple on real issues, Songs in the Key of Solomon will get you and your spouse laughing, thinking, sharing, touching, and praying — possibly all during the same reading. Each offering in this devotional is designed to spark connections around issues that matter, so you’ll deepen your emotional, spiritual, and physical unity and ignite new levels of intimacy. (One devotional involves a bathtub and some candles…try not to get stuck on that one page over and over again.)

I don’t know Anita Renfroe, but she absolutely seems like my kind of lady — able to be funny when a laugh is what you need and serious when issues run deeper. And since I’m encouraging everyone else to read a sex devotional book this year (Intimacy Revealed!), I thought it’d be nice for my husband and I to go through some marriage-bed devotions ourselves.

Lovemaking: Enjoy Extravagant Intimacy in Your Marriage by Dan and Linda Wilson. Sex is meant to be beautiful, holy, and fun, and every married person can be skilled in the art of lovemaking. Lovemaking will help to: Increase your degree of sexual satisfaction, understand the purpose and pleasure of godly sexuality, learn how to give and receive love through sexual expression, renew passion for your mate, be equipped to be the world s greatest lover for your spouse.

Dan and Linda have both visited my site, and we share a similar vision. They let me know about the upcoming release of this book (in June, I believe), and I’m eager to read it.

The Unveiled Wife: Embracing Intimacy with God and Your Husband by Jennifer Smith. The Unveiled Wife is a real-life love story; one couple’s refreshingly raw, transparent journey touching the deep places in a marriage that only God can reach. If you are feeling disappointment or even despair about your marriage, the heart-cry of this book is: You are not alone. Discover through Jennifer’s story how God can bring you through it all to a place of transformation.

I’m soooo looking forward to this book’s release. In all my dealings with Jennifer, she has been kind, authentic, and godly, and I know her story will encourage other marriages. Look for my take on her book once I’ve read it (and maybe I can convince Jennifer to stop by).

Now what are your suggestions for the best Christian sexual intimacy books you’ve read? Or what’s on your reading list for 2015?

Of course, I’d love for you to put Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives or Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage on your list!

* * * * *

What does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?

Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.

Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.

Purchase:
Amazon for Kindle
Barnes & Noble for Nook
Print book

The post Marriage & Intimacy Books to Read in 2015 appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

But some recent events have reminded that we still look odd to a lot of people. After all, many of us come from religious traditions that were at best nervous and at worst condemning of sexual activity — yes, even in marriage. Certainly, many churches have a history of poor or nonexistent teaching on godly intimacy.

And now, there are a bunch of us not only willing to say the word sex publicly, but to espouse that God has stuff to say about it and we can get into some nitty-gritty ideas for married couples to spice things up. Surely, that makes Christian sex authors unconventional?

Actually, while the means of delivering our message has changed, I think biblically based Christian sex authors are the truly conventional ones. Let’s take Merriam-Webster’s definition:

conventional adjective
: used and accepted by most people : usual or traditional
: of a kind that has been around for a long time and is considered to be usual or typical
: common and ordinary : not unusual

The overwhelming message from the Bible is that God created sex for marriage and wants His people to enjoy it to the fullest. It starts in Genesis, runs through the Old Testament, and gets reinforced in the New Testament. The exhortation to have frequent, intimate, pleasurable sex within marriage has been around a long time, is typical for the Bible, and was widely accepted among God’s people for centuries.

Although God’s people have strayed in preaching and practice many times, the core message remains the same: God gave marriage the gift of sex, and we should treasure His gift.

Of course, the means by which we deliver the message has certainly changed. Rather than chatting with other women at our Mikveh and trading truths about sex in marriage, I’m typing on this keyboard and sending out my two cents to women across the world through the Internet. That part is unconventional (although I suspect it will seem conventional at some point).

Regardless, what I say here is what I’d say if we chatted it up over coffee . . . or way-back-when at the community well where we drew water. And it’s based on what God’s been saying for millennia — sex in marriage is, and should feel, good. I’m hardly breaking new ground — just finding new ways to say it.

And soon, I’ll have two more ways to communicate God’s age-old truth about sexual intimacy in marriage. I’m hoping and praying my next two books will be released before the end of the year.

One will be a weekly devotional book with 52 devotions to enhance sex in your marriage. And the second is a book of fiction, Behind Closed Doors, with five short stories about marriage and intimacy. Are these typical ways to deliver a message of truth and hope about sex? Probably not. But in everything I do, I return to the well-established foundation of God Himself and His Word.

What has struck you as conventional or unconventional about Christian sex authors? What ways have you seen for modern-day Christians to express ancient biblical truths?

The post Are Christian Sex Authors Unconventional? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

One of my resolutions is to read more sexual intimacy books. I’ve read quite a few in the past, but I haven’t tackled as many as I’d like. Thankfully, there are now many Christian books tackling the subject of sexuality in marriage. So far, here’s my reading list for 2014 (books already in my possession, just waiting for me to read), with the book’s description for each.

(Clarification–thanks to a commenter: I’m not endorsing these books. I never endorse anything I haven’t read. These are merely books on my to-be-read list. If I believe they’re worthwhile, I’ll share my review in the future.)

The Sexually Confident Wife by Shannon Ethridge. Maximize the sexual and emotional potential in your marriage! With down-to-earth wisdom based on the experiences of the thousands of women she’s counseled, Shannon Ethridge–author of the million-plus-selling Every Woman’s Battle series–shows women how to create the healthy, exhilarating sex lives they (and their husbands) desire.

I also hope to get to another book recently released by intimacy author and speaker Shannon Ethridge, The Passion Principles.

Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality by Rob Bell. Sex God is an enlightening exploration of sexuality and spirituality. With profound beauty and insight, Bell addresses the truism that we can’t talk about ourselves as sexual beings without asking who made us that way. For progressive Christians and readers who enjoy the writings of Donald Miller, N.T. Wrighter, Brian McLaren and Timothy Keller, Rob Bell is a pioneer among those seeking a new kind of Christian teaching.

This book has been recommended to me several times, but I’ve somehow managed to keep it sitting on my ereader for about a year. I will remedy that soon.

The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life by Shmuley Boteach. (Not written by a Christian, but a Jewish rabbi.) Shmuley Boteach delivers a much-needed guide to reigniting desire in our relationships while at the same time creating renewed energy in every aspect of our lives. Boteach’s Eight Secrets are the key to reawakening our dormant desires and releasing ourselves from the complacency that has taken hold of far too many of us.

I actually started this one last year, read a couple of chapters, and got sidetracked. His perspective is interesting, however, so I want to finish.

Kiss Me Like You Mean It: Solomon’s Crazy in Love How-To Manual by David Clarke. How can married couples overcome the obstacles that derailed their desire and return to being “crazy in love”? Blending humor and practical advice, Clarke offers answers from the Song of Solomon. Learn to troubleshoot problems, put each other first, employ praise, have fun, flirt, and rediscover the lost art of a great kiss!

I bought this book on a whim one day, just because I loved the cover, the description, the aim of the book. We’ll see how it goes!

Crazy Good Sex: Putting to Bed the Myths Men Have about Sex by Dr. Les Parrott. In this practical guidebook filled with straight talk, psychologist and best-selling author Dr. Les Parrott shares six secrets that can enhance a couple’s sexual intimacy. Parrott offers crucial facts and practical insights to help men and their wives experience the best sex they’ve ever had.

The Parrotts have long written about Christian marriage and intimacy, and this book in particular caught my eye. Written for men, I suspect it will give me some good insight.

***

I’d like to add a couple more books to my list. So I’d love to hear your suggestions for the best Christian sexual intimacy books you’ve read.

Also, if you wives are looking for one to put on your reading list, Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives is now available both as an ebook and in print.

Ebook:

Amazon for Kindle
Barnes & Noble for Nook
Smashwords — several formats available

Print book:

Amazon

The post Intimacy Books I’m Reading in 2014 (and Sex Savvy News) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.