Way back in 2012, One Flesh Marriage ran a series asking marriage bloggers their best advice about marriage. Specifically, the question was:

If there was only one thing from the story of your marriage that you could share, what would it be? What lesson learned, revelation, heart change or profound moment is a testament to God’s plan for marriage?

I answered with a guest post on their blog, but I’ve talked about this lesson many times elsewhere. Today, I want to share my answer with my audience here. Specifically, here’s what turned my marriage around … and might do the same for yours.

If there was only one thing from the story of my marriage that I could share, it would be this: No matter how weird your own family is, your spouse’s family qualify as aliens! Just kidding.

The Poltergeist Years

My husband and I went through several years of rocky relationship. At times, it felt like our marriage was moving through a movie haunted house, never knowing what other monster would pop up to attack and make us battle for our existence. Perhaps I should call them The Poltergeist Years, as it seemed we were both cursed and constantly cursing each other.

Thank goodness for three things that kept us going: our commitment, our children, and our sex life. We wanted to have a long-lasting marriage; we wanted to keep our family together for our kids; and we experienced loving tenderness in the bedroom that reminded us what the rest of our relationship could be.

Yet no matter how much we tried, we continued to fail. We communicated about our problems. We attended marriage retreats. We went to counseling. We prayed. I prayed a lot.

I couldn’t figure out why things weren’t getting better. We were an A+ on commitment and effort, but the relationship faltered over and over. We began to discuss divorce and tears flowed. I prayed more. We hung on by a thread, attended another marriage class, went to another counselor. I read a book about whether I should stay or go. He went apartment-shopping online. I prayed even more.

God did not answer that prayer. Things didn’t get better. Then.

Miracle or Quick-Fix?

The one thing I would share about what I have learned in marriage is simple: Don’t expect a miracle or a quick-fix to solve your problems; rather, the answer is to live daily as God commands.

Things got better when I stopped looking to experts for the formula to make it all come together and when I stopped praying to God for a Red-Sea Parting. It doesn’t work that way. Even with the Red Sea, the Israelites had to follow a cloud day-in and day-out, put one foot in front of the other mile after mile, and be obedient in many other ways before the big Ta-Da happened. Daily obedience matters most in bringing forth God’s best in your life.

How to Turn Your #Marriage Around: "Daily obedience matters most in bringing forth God’s best in your life."
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When I began to ask myself if I was treating my husband with Christ-like character, I had to answer no. I was caught up in how he had hurt my feelings over the years. I was caught up in changing external processes. I was caught up in my hopes that God would fix him, fix me, or fix the marriage in quick order.

But God didn’t answer that prayer. Or rather, He had already answered my prayer, but I wasn’t paying attention. I wanted Him in my corner, but I had yet to take God’s commands to heart and live them out day-by-day, minute-by-minute. Everything I needed to make my marriage work was in His Word.

“Love is patient, love is kind . . .” 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, . . .” Galatians 5:16-26.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Luke 6:31

“. . . in humility consider others better than yourselves . . .” Philippians 2:1-11

Theologian Soren Kierkegaard said, “When you read God’s word you must constantly be saying to yourself, ‘It is talking to me, and about me.’” I had to commit to being the kind of Christ-follower God wanted me to be.

Simple to Understand, Hard to Do.

Often we know what to do. We simply don’t do it. We find excuses for not being as loving, patient, selfless, and kind as we should. We don’t give the other person the benefit of the doubt. We focus on defending ourselves and thus offending our spouse. If God directly responded to many of our prayers for a better marriage, Jesus might simply pop into our living rooms long enough to say a “Woe unto you” for neglecting His commands.

Good marriages don’t just happen. Our Western concept that if you fall in love with the perfect someone you can live happily ever after isn’t represented in the Bible. Instead, God’s command is that once you are married (whether by falling in love, arranged marriage, or whatever), you can have a terrific marriage if you both live out a godly life.

The marriage advice that I soaked up during that time, and since, is not wasted. We have used much of what we learned as tools in our kit. Counseling highlighted specific issues to address. And prayer helped us to hang on as long as we did. Yet the foundation of what has made our marriage so much better is living out the Christian life.

When people open up the Bible to see what God has to say about marriage, they often turn to Ephesians 5 or 1 Corinthians 7. Perhaps they head to Song of Songs to read about the intimate relationship of a husband and wife. Those are good places to go! But every passage about how Christians should treat others is instruction for marriage.

Marriage is not about happy, heady feelings that swirl like a whirlpool around your insides and make you crave your mate. It’s a way for God to stretch us, to test us, to grow us into the kind of people we should be. Hey, if you can learn to be patient about your spouse’s irritating habits and practice saying kind words each and every day to the person you live with, you are growing in God. And the result of seeking a holier, healthier marriage is a happy marriage.

Pray by all means. But be sure to pray that God will help you to live out what He has already commanded us to do.

The post How to Turn Your Marriage Around appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I once expended a lot of emotional energy being angry or resentful or frustrated or disappointed with my husband over small stuff. He didn’t even have to be near for me to see constant reminders of his lack of love. I mean, surely a guy who loved me wouldn’t leave such a big mess for me to clean up. Surely a guy who loved me wouldn’t ignore my worry about unlocked doors, risk-taking children, and noises in the night. And surely a guy who loved me wouldn’t meet my can’t-you-see-it? explanations with his own store of anger, resentment, frustration, and disappointment.

Yeah, things were not going well in my marriage.

While some marriages suffer from huge problems in the happiness department, I believe many spouses are like me, with small stuff and daily letdowns piling up until you’re standing in a heap of hopelessness. So how did I get past it? What realizations released the weight of emotional pain I once carried around?

1. It’s not personal. Ask yourself: Is this truly directed at me? Is my husband maliciously trying to hurt me? Most of the time, the answer is no. Whether it’s leaving his dirty clothes on the floor, interrupting while you’re speaking, or not feeling like making love as much as you’d like, he’d behave like that whether he’d married you or not.

My hubby didn’t one day decide, “Hey, I think I’ll leave twelve pairs of shoes around the bedroom floor, just to trip up my wife and stub her pretty little toes.” Nor do I forget to go by the dry cleaners with my husband’s shirts because I want him to dig deep into his closet for his least favorite shirt to wear to a big meeting; trust me, I’m just forgetful everywhere in my life.

It’s not personal.

Even difficulties in your sexual intimacy may have little to do with you. Now, I’m not saying these things don’t have a real impact on you. (I have stubbed toes to prove it.) If your wife isn’t having sex because of an incident in childhood that had nothing to do with you, or your husband won’t patiently pursue your climax because he was erroneously taught that sex is for men, you are still experiencing consequences. But it’s not personal. So don’t add to an already-difficult issue by taking it personally.

I stopped feeling rejected and resentful when I learned to give my husband grace and remember he loves me. The man who would take a bullet for me wouldn’t turn around and plot my death-by-size-11-shoes. He just forgets to put them away. And once I diagnosed the problem more accurately . . .

2. The spouse to whom an issue matters most should take care of it. I wrote an entire post about how my husband cannot return the Worcestershire to its proper place in the refrigerator. Whenever I lovingly — or less lovingly — pointed it out, he was not opposed to my request. But ultimately, he didn’t care where the stupid bottle ended up in the fridge. It just wasn’t important to him. And me complaining that he should think it’s important didn’t get us much of anywhere — at least, anywhere good.

So when I open the refrigerator and see the Worcestershire taunting me sitting on the wrong shelf, I move it. I’m the one it matters to, so why not just take care of it? If something matters a lot to you, and not so much to him, just do it. Consider it an act of loving service and take pleasure in caring for the small stuff that makes your home and relationship a little better.

Wait! you say. How earth does this apply to the bedroom? Am I supposed to “take care of that” myself? No. Not saying that! Some things in marriage — the big stuff — should involve cooperation and unity. Whether you have sex is big stuff, we stuff. But you can take on some of the small stuff surrounding sex. For instance, if atmosphere matters to you, don’t wait on your spouse — just create the ambiance you want. If you can’t relax and make love in a messy bedroom, clean it up. If you want her to wear something more sexy, go buy it (taking her into consideration, of course). If he’s not as romantic as you wish, take charge of the romance.

But cease being upset that your spouse didn’t do something when you could easily take care of it yourself. Then you’re both happier. Which leads me to the final attitude shift . . .

3. Own your part. This one is so straightforward, and I’ve talked about it before. Basically, take responsibility for yourself in this marriage. So you think she‘s hard to live with? Well, are you rainbows and roses every day? You think he doesn’t pay attention to your emotional needs? Well, have you listened to his emotional needs and tried to meet them?

You know the saying: When you point a finger at someone, there are still three fingers pointing back at you. I spent way too much time and effort thinking about, praying about, and talking about what my husband was doing wrong. And I couldn’t change him. But I could work on me and make myself the best person I could be, and — wouldn’t you know it? — when I became a better person to be around, he was more motivated to make changes. No guarantees, of course, but owning your part of things can make a big difference in your marriage.

Thinking about your marital bedroom: Are you as understanding as you should be? Loving and kind? Listening and patient? Concerned about her arousal or his pleasure? Have you made sexual intimacy in your marriage a safe topic or a mine field? What can you do to own your part and make things better?

There they are: three attitude shifts that made a huge difference in how I feel day in and day out about my husband and my marriage. And when I stopped “sweating the small stuff,” we were able to better tackle the big stuff.  Years later, I can easily say I am a very happily married woman.

And currently, there’s only one pair of shoes my husband left out on the bedroom floor; I think I’ll go put them in the closet for him.

What attitude shifts have improved your marriage? What wisdom can you share with others from your experiences?

The post 3 Attitude Shifts That Vastly Improved My Marriage Happiness appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.