One challenge to embracing sex as God designed it to be is erroneous messages we’ve absorbed. Some such messages are truly heinous and harmful, others are not quite right, and plenty fall somewhere in between. This post is the first of a series that will appear now and then over the next couple of months, with each post correcting the record on a specific topic in the realm of sex.

Today let’s address myths perpetuated in the Church and beyond about lust and modesty and replace them with biblical truth.

What’s So Bad about Lust?

The word translated as lust in the Bible refers to intense longing, not sexual desire specifically. The longing can be good or bad, depending on the motives and target of your longing. For instance, it’s good to long for (“lust” after) your spouse, as long as it involves not merely physical desire but respect and intimacy. It’s bad to long for (“lust” after) the skimpily clad stranger walking down the street.

But let’s talk about the latter—when lust is misdirected and becomes sin. As Jesus said:

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Matthew 5:28

In an effort to avoid such adultery of the heart, people have suggested “bouncing your eyes,” avoiding the opposite sex, and/or insisting women dress more modestly. Let’s look at each of these.

Bouncing Your Eyes

“Bouncing Your Eyes” is the title of a chapter in the well-known book Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. It begins:

To set up your first defense perimeter with your eyes, you want to employ the strategies of bouncing your eyes and starving your eyes as well as the tactic of taking up a “sword” and a “shield.”

Let’s first consider bouncing. You can win this battle by training your eyes to “bounce” away from sights of pretty women and sensual images. If you “bounce your eyes” for six weeks, you can win this war.

The problem is that your eyes have always bounced toward the sexual, and you’ve made no attempt to end this habit. To combat it, you need to build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from a hot stove.

Part of me understands the theory here. After all, the verses after Jesus’s warning about lust are:

If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Matthew 5:29-31

Might bouncing be a less messy version of gouging out your eyes?

But the problem with that theory is Jesus himself. He didn’t bounce His eyes from women, and He never told His disciples to do that.

From Myth to Truth: Lust & Modesty: "[Jesus] didn't bounce His eyes from women, and He never told His disciples to do that." @hotholyhumorous
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Then there’s Job statement: “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman” (Job 31:1). He did not say he wouldn’t look at a young woman. He wouldn’t look lustfully.

In fact, the majority of biblical teaching is about training your eyes and mind to see beyond flesh and selfish desires. It’s about looking at someone through the ideas of a transformed believer, governed by the Holy Spirit. For example:

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.

Romans 8:5-6

It’s not about bouncing your eyes, but seeing the whole person.

Sure, some are at the level of addiction/compulsiveness and might need to adopt this approach for a time. (I haven’t read the book, but even that snippet from Every Man’s Battle suggested six weeks to get things under control. Did the authors intend men to bounce eyes for a lifetime? Surely not. Hopefully not. Anyway, that book is not the point.)

Stop bouncing your eyes, gents, and follow Christ’s example. He engaged with women even of highly questionable sexual character and looked at them for the whole person they were.

Avoiding the Opposite Sex

Setting boundaries is a good idea and might include:

• not traveling alone with a member of the opposite sex
• not meeting behind closed doors with a member of the opposite sex
• talking positively in public about your spouse, so others are aware of your marital commitment
• regularly wearing a wedding ring (or having one tattooed on) to convey your marital status
• checking in with your spouse frequently through phone calls, texts, etc.

But boundaries shouldn’t mean isolation or exclusion. That is, some women have been denied opportunities in the workplace because they can’t get into the offices, boardrooms, country clubs, lunch meetings, etc. where deals and connections are. All because some guy(s) can’t look beyond her physical features to the work talents she possesses!

Moreover, if we never interact with each other, we don’t learn how to be around people of the opposite sex without viewing them as “other” or forbidden or even dangerous.

Now, I’ve personally avoided the opposite sex in some circumstances. But then, I had a bad premarital history, have admitted that I’m not naturally monogamous (I’m wholly dedicated to Spock, but monogamy wasn’t my initial tendency), and witnessed friends descend into adultery through a series of ill-advised choices. Yet, the more I’ve mulled it over, the more I believe the boundaries I’ve set are largely applicable no matter who I’m with.

For instance, put a window in your office door and meet with whomever you need to. Take that work lunch, but remain in public. Talk positively about your spouse whenever you can. Wear the wedding ring. Check in with your spouse.

If you cannot interact with a member of the opposite sex without a struggle, that’s not a red flag about them. It’s a red flag about you needing to figure out what’s up. Do you have baggage you need to work through? Should you see a counselor or join a support group? Have you matured sufficiently in your faith and honoring of others?

Insisting Women Dress Modestly

Could women insist that men dress modestly? Sure, but I’ve rarely heard that one. Instead, the vast majority of messaging on this topic could be summed up as:

Here’s another area where I kind of get it. That is, I raised two sons, and it did not seem to their mom particularly helpful for them to see a lot of images of highly sexy women or actual girls with TMI about their bodies appearing through their dress, or lack thereof. It would be nice if young women would at least understand—fair or unfair—how the way they dress can impact how they are seen.

But for every woman dressed in a very provocative way, there have been a thousand messages to women not dressed that provocatively being blamed for men ogling them!

Meanwhile, Scripture never blames the target of lust for the sin of lust. It’s the person lusting who holds the responsibility for his/her actions. Let’s revisit Jesus’s warning from Matthew 5:28:

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

That says nothing about how the woman is dressed. And Jesus encountered women likely dressed in ways that conveyed immodesty (see Luke 7:36-50, John 4:1-26, and John 8:2-11), yet treated them with kindness and respect.

Moreover, let’s look at the one and only time “modest apparel” is mentioned in the Bible:

I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

1 Timothy 2:910

Modesty here doesn’t refer to how much clothing one is wearing, but rather how elaborate the adornments are.

And the word translated modest in that verse is the same Greek word translated as “respectable” in this verse:

Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

1 Timothy 3:2

Do you think Paul was telling Timothy that overseers need to cover up? I don’t think so. Rather, modesty—the New Testament Greek word kosmios—is about conducting yourself respectably. It means well-arranged, orderly, proper.

You know what’s respectable behavior? Not lusting after women! Hey, in that second verse, the word “self-controlled” comes right before “respectable” (aka modest).

When speaking to women, yes, I think it’s reasonable to say, “Let’s be respectable by dressing appropriately according to culture, context, and morality.” But no woman is responsible for a man sinning by lusting after her. That’s his immodesty, not hers.

From Myth to Truth: Lust & Modesty: "No woman is responsible for a man sinning by lusting after her. That's his immodesty, not hers." @hotholyhumorous
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Shifting the blame and responsibility to someone else is like becoming a glutton and blaming the cook.

Are Lust & Immodesty Related?

Lust and immodesty are related in that each doesn’t show the reverence for God and respect for others we should have.

Honestly, a lot of arguments about lust and modesty would just disappear if we followed Christ’s example for how to treat one another and remembered that each of us is a unique individual made in the image of God. Let’s aim for that!

Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Make your own attitude that of Christ Jesus…

Philippians 2:4-5 (HCSB)

The post From Myth to Truth: Lust & Modesty appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Modesty is an ongoing issue in our culture. In case you hadn’t noticed, a lot of women out there show off a lot of their bodies. In today’s world, guys don’t have to step too far out of their house to see images or real women with curves, cleavage, “camel feet,” and cutaneous membrane (aka skin). Given how visual many men are, it can be a struggle for many of them to keep their thoughts entirely pure.

I feel for them. And so, I’ve talked to wives about modesty in the past — how we need to choose stylish clothing that covers enough, the care we should take in choosing swimsuits, even my own practice of sometimes asking my husband when I put something on, “Is this okay?” (I learned years ago that he’s a better barometer for whether a miniskirt is short enough to attract male attention I’m not looking for.) We certainly don’t want to contribute to the temptation for men to lust.

I’ve also been frustrated with women who don’t get it. Like how I was once going through a church potluck line and caught a not-so-brief glimpse of the woman in front of me with her thong peeking out of a low-rise miniskirt. Thank goodness my husband or teenage sons weren’t in line behind her! I don’t want my sons or my husband to have such information waved in front of their faces.

1 Timothy 2:9-10 says: “Also, the women are to dress themselves in modest clothing, with decency and good sense, not with elaborate hairstyles, gold, pearls, or expensive apparel, but with good works, as is proper for women who affirm that they worship God” (HCSB, emphasis added). Women should be modest, for the sake of the men in their midst and to honor God’s will.

Women should be modest, for the sake of the men in their midst and to honor God’s will.
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However … not too long ago, I was reading a post that mentioned modesty and some blessed wife had as part of her comments something like, “But please don’t take my yoga pants. You have no idea how nice it is to be in something comfortable …” (I wish I could find that comment!) I laughed and found myself agreeing. I often wear yoga pants and a T-shirt while working at home and doing laundry. And then, I need to run out to the store. So am I supposed to change from yoga pants, even when my shirt covers almost the whole backside? Seems a bit silly to me.

And yet you can find entire articles castigating women for wearing yoga pants. In another post written to women about modesty, two men in the comments said they’d basically been visually assaulted by women wearing yoga pants in their presence. Really? Is the prevalence of yoga pants the downfall of otherwise good Christian husbands?

Job 31:1 says, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.” And I fully appreciate men who take this covenant to heart. Many Christian husbands are dedicated to keeping their minds pure and avoiding visual temptation.

But my thinking about modesty and lust is changing. Partly because I see so much blame placed on women for men lusting. I’m not letting us women off the hook for needing to use decency and good sense when we go out in public. However, I don’t see men getting the same flack for how they present themselves in public. If you want to see what I mean, read this humorous post on “When Suits Become a Stumbling Block: A Plea to My Brothers in Christ.” Men in suits are attractive. So are men in uniforms. I mean really, how could any man proclaim to be a holy Christian if he’s also a well-built firefighter in uniform? Don’t you know what you’re doing to us?!

We’ve also preached this modesty message so much to teens that some of them probably think Psalm 119:9 reads: “How can a young man keep his way pure? By ‘bouncing his eyes.'” No, no, no. It says: “How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping Your word.”

What does the Word of God say about modesty?

In addition to the verses referenced above, not a whole lot. Here’s a quick run-down:

“The Lord says,
‘The women of Zion are haughty,
walking along with outstretched necks,
flirting with their eyes,
strutting along with swaying hips,
with ornaments jingling on their ankles.’”

(Isaiah 3:16; and verses 17-24 explains you how God will punish those women)

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes” (1 Peter 3:3).

And that’s it. At least specifically regarding modest apparel. Of course, there are principles of modest and God-honoring behaviors. We also have scriptures that talk about not being a stumbling block to others, about building up our brothers and sisters in Christ, about living with reverence before God. Obviously, if you’re walking around in low-rise shorts with your bum hanging out, that’s not exactly an advertisement for Christianity. (And, by the way, you’re essentially wearing your underwear in public; they might be expensive denim, but you’re in undies. Stop that.)

But you know what else the Bible says? It says to treat people with respect, to look beyond their appearance and see them how God sees them, to purify our minds and our hearts in Christ Jesus.

And I’ve become really bothered by the idea that men are just bouncing their eyes off every woman who shows a little more cleavage than they want to see or who ran up to the grocery store on the fly in her yoga pants to grab much-needed diapers for her infant. Doesn’t that pigeonhole women’s bodies as temptation? As if “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one” (Matthew 6:13) is referring to women’s curves or yoga pants. Doesn’t that approach have the potential of objectifying women as well?

Rather, how did Jesus treat women who were immodest in their lives? Jesus let a sinful woman anoint his feet with oil and spoke directly to her to forgive her sins (Luke 7:36-50). He had a direct conversation about faith with the Samaritan woman who’d been married five times and living with a man outside of marriage (John 4:1-26). He refused to condemn a woman caught in adultery and encouraged her to stop sinning (John 8:1-11). Jesus looked past their immodesty and saw the woman His Father saw.

Which makes me think that maybe we’re missing something.

Maybe the problem is only partly what someone’s wearing and more what our hearts are doing. Is the test whether we can look at each other as sex objects or whether we can see the person underneath?

Maybe the problem is only partly what someone’s wearing & more what our hearts are doing.
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This is by no means meant to let women, and men, off the hook for dressing modestly. But you how about we hear a little about how men dress and behave in public? And how about taking responsibility for our own thoughts and hearts?

If you can’t have a conversation with a woman who shows too much cleavage or a guy in your gym who’s muscled and shirtless, you’re going to have a really, really, really hard time in this world. And it’s not entirely the world’s fault.

We have to own our responsibility to not lust. And if it’s hard? Well, being a Christian isn’t supposed to be eating-cupcakes-easy all the time. (What did you think that verse about taking up your cross meant? Matthew 16:24.)

We have to own our responsibility to not lust.
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As for me, you might see in my yoga pants at the grocery store. Not because I’m wanting any guy to get a full-view of my caboose, but because they’re comfortable and I was too lazy to change. However, I will make sure I’m wearing a long T-shirt to cover everything that should be covered. And if I have any doubts about how I might come across, I check with my husband, because he has a better sense of those things at times.

I suspect plenty of other women, good Christian wives even, will be dressed in exercise or lounge attire as well. And we hope you can still have a nice conversation with us. Because that is nothing like the immodesty of the women Jesus dealt with, and He managed to handle it all just fine.

We believe in you guys. We don’t want to tempt you, but we also believe that — with God’s help — you can keep your minds and hearts where they should be.

The post Do Our Yoga Pants Make Men Sin? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

But as I was (finally) attacking some of the clutter, I came upon a couple of notebook pages of a journal-like entry dated May 1993. I was shocked to find I’d written almost 300 words about body image, modesty, and swimsuits. I decided to share it [with minor editing] here.

I struggle with the fashion industry’s view of what clothes are to do. I thought clothes were to cover and enhance. Try shopping for a swimsuit with that in mind. Most swimsuits either look like they should be worn by your grandmother or a Sports Illustrated model.

So forget the grandma thing.

Everything else unveils rather than covers. I’d be afraid to jump into the water for fear that I’ll lose my modesty to the nearest wave.

Modesty is not big in the fashion industry. Suppose I wear an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny bikini. Does this actually enhance? I will now have to shave my “bikini area,” which always brings on a painful red rash hanging past my immodest bikini bottoms for all to see. I guess I could opt for electrolysis…yeah, right! Who said beauty was worth that kind of pain?! Who said a naked bikini area equals beauty?

Let’s go back to the modesty thing. Even if I solve the bikini area dilemma, I’m stuck with the constant game of tug and pull. I take a couple of laps in the pool, and as I’m leaving I’m pulling down the back of those bottoms, the bottom of my top, and up on the top of my bottoms. Makes you not even want to enter the pool.

If some other woman wishes to inflict self-torture, fine. But I quarrel with the fashion industry for not offering options.

I want swim shorts, like men. Speedos have been on the market for years, but most men opt for trunks. They won’t fall for that skimpy look thing. They demand comfort. Women demand tug and pull.

Well, they have swim shorts now. And swim skirts. Maybe someone in the fashion industry actually paid attention to what some of us wanted.

However, I still see the majority of women’s swimsuit departments inundated with swimsuits that neither cover nor enhance. Thankfully, I’ve learned a thing or two about shopping for swimsuits. Since it’s mid-June — and absolutely beach weather where I live — I wanted to once again share what I’ve written about modesty and swimsuit shopping:

What Does Modesty Look Like?

6 Questions to Ask about Your Swimsuit

Swimsuit Shopping (without Weeping and Wailing)

What about you? How do you approach modesty and swimsuits? Have you found a good solution? And has your opinion changed since 1993?

The post What I Thought About Swimsuits in 1993 appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

When my husband and I first got married, I owned this cute little black skirt that showed off my personal best asset — my legs. I had bought it on sale at a store where I didn’t usually have the money to shop, and I loved the way I looked in that skirt.

My hubby asked me to get rid of it. What?! Are you kidding?! He said that it was too short, and he didn’t like other guys seeing that much of me. Hmmm.

Frankly, I’d always thought of myself as being relatively modest. I never wore a bikini; always a one-piece. I didn’t wear low-cut blouses, even if I didn’t have the cleavage to spill out anyway. I didn’t squeeze myself into clothing two sizes too small or wear dresses with cut-outs on the sides. But I had to take his word for it–his male perspective on what draws a man’s attention in an inappropriate way.

When I look around now, I sometimes can’t believe the eye candy that we dangle in front of men’s eyes and then expect them to pay attention to our inner goodness. I was at a church luncheon once (I repeat, church luncheon, for heaven’s sake!) and saw a woman lean over to get her food, drawing up her blouse and giving a peek at the black thong coming out of her skirt. She probably had no idea.

And that’s the point. We ladies are not always great at gauging what is appropriate to wear publicly. The newest fashions come out, everyone’s wearing them, they make us look good, and we buy. We are often not even aware that the micro-mini reveals too much when we sit across from a male co-worker or that a loose blouse is giving a glimpse of our lacy bra to the waiter at our table. We don’t even think like that.

So we have to start thinking like that. We have to pause and ask whether what we are wearing is going to encourage temptation to lust for men around us. Yes, I know men lust anyway. My father swore that young men can find a way to lust after women wearing potato sacks, but we should make it easier for guys to focus on what is most important.

SOME THINGS MODESTY IS NOT.

Modesty is not backward. Modesty is not dressing like you are from past century in a fruitless attempt to turn back time and keep things on the up-and-up.

Modesty is not frumpy. Wearing sweat pants and crew neck t-shirts all the time will cover everything, but that is not a look that presents the best you.

Modesty is not old. A 30 year old need not dress like her grandmother to maintain a modicum of modesty.

Modesty is not gender-neutral. Straight clothes that hide that you are, hello!, a woman is not modesty.

WHAT MODESTY IS.

Modesty is covering up skin best reserved for your spouse. If you aren’t sure whether it’s appropriate, ask him. Do NOT ask, “Do you like me in this dress?” He might say, “I LOVE you in that dress (and out of it).” Ask where the dress makes him look. Does the dress draw attention to areas best left for his eyes only? Ask if he is comfortable with how much of you will be revealed to others.

Modesty is dressing like the beautiful woman you are. You are a woman with a womanly shape; it is okay to wear something that demonstrates that you have a figure. But fitted and tight-fitting are quite different. Don’t get hung up on the numbered size of a garment (sizes vary so much by manufacturer); find what fits you right.

Modesty is fashionable. Yes, you can find styles that are fashionable and modest. Teenagers in particular may have to treat clothes shopping like hunting an endangered species, but it is possible.

Modesty is keeping your underclothes under your clothes. For some reason, I feel the overwhelming compulsion to state this. I don’t think it’s backward to presume that bras, panties, etc. should not be as visible to the public as your brand-new haircut.

If you struggle with what makes you look beautiful and fashionable without falling into inappropriate styles, I recommend going online and looking for tips on dressing your body type. Frankly, in the few episodes I’ve seen of What Not to Wear, the experts did an excellent job of dressing women in clothes that highlighted their best parts and kept everything tucked in as it should be. (Mind you, I cannot speak to the series as a whole since I don’t get that channel!)

Pause and think about what you’re wearing. Think about whether it’s honoring your husband. Think about whether it’s helping another woman’s husband keep his eyes on his own wife. And then go out there and be the fashionista that you are!

Remembering, of course, that your inner beauty is what matters most.

Thanks to Warrior Wives for bringing this post to my mind again. Join the conversation with Let’s Chat: Discerning Modesty Standards with Your Husband.

The post Revisiting the Question: What Is Modesty Really? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

This Challenge asks for blog links to seven posts in certain categories.  I combed through my past blogging and found posts that meet the criteria.  If you haven’t read the following, or simply want a refresher, click on the link!

1.  Your Most Beautiful Post

In Celebration of the Kiss.  I adored researching this post about kissing and finding beautiful quotes, poetry, songs, and even classic movie kisses to illustrate God’s fabulous idea of two lips touching in loving affection.  Kissing does absolutely nothing to further reproduction; it seems to me that its only purpose is to express and foster connection.  Thank you, Lord!

2.  Your Most Popular Post

Nightie or Nudie.  This is simply a post about how much our visual husbands appreciate the nightie or the nudie!  We wives would be wise to use that knowledge and please our hubbies accordingly.  God made men visual, and that’s a good thing.  ‘Cause we ladies are smokin’ hot!  Right, gals?

3.  Your Most Controversial Post

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