The above title promises a lot, eh? But the truth is, I can’t make guarantees. A woman’s orgasm is complex, and numerous issues can impact it.

For instance, if she’s dealing with any of the following obstacles, whatever I suggest here may not make a difference:

• Relational conflict
• Sexual trauma in her past
• Sexual pain or discomfort
• Ongoing suppression of her sexuality (often due to poor teaching / modeling)
• Hormonal imbalance

Such issues can be dealt with, but they should be addressed first before adopting some approach or technique to bring a wife to climax.

That said…

Her Climax Matters

You may have read that heading and thought, “Well, yeah.” But studies have recently drawn attention to the orgasm gap between men and women. One 2018 study put it at 95% to 65%, while a more recent study suggested that lifetime orgasm rates ranged from 70% to 85% for men and 46% to 58% for women.” Regardless, that’s a 24–30% difference between men and women reaching the pinnacle of pleasure.

Not great, Bob.

Yet most husbands I’ve encountered really want their wives to enjoy the sexual experience, including a beautiful climax. And most wives want to get to “I’ll have what she’s having” too.

But it’s not always a simple A-to-B trip to get a wife to climax. You may need a more detailed roadmap to get there. If you want that, read on.

Check Conditions

Before you even get to the bedroom, the likelihood of a woman reaching orgasm is influenced by many factors. Whether she’s the lower or higher desire wife, a wife’s arousal and pleasure depend on such things as:

How safe she feels in the bedroom. Does she feel objectified or valued? Is her husband using pornography or saving his sexual attention for her? Has she healed from past trauma, or does she need more intervention? Does she feel seen as a whole person or mostly as a means to an end?

How well she is physically. Is she experiencing headaches or joint pain? Is she dealing with an injury? Does she have a chronic illness that flares up from time to time? Is she having menstrual cramps or backache?

How depleted she is in her life. Is she exhausted all the time? Does she have sufficient help or support with work, childcare, and other issues? Is she struggling with hormonal issues? Have anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions taken their toll?

How connected your relationship is. Does she still feel wooed and/or pursued by her husband? Is there genuine friendship underlying the marriage? Has there been a focus on romance, flirtation, and other forms of intimacy?

How in tune she is to her body. Is she comfortable, or at least willing, to think about her erogenous zones / genitalia? Does she appreciate her five senses? Does she believe her body is good as God made it, including her sexuality?

Some of those, a husband can definitely impact. While others may be left to the woman herself to figure out. Though a good husband might be able to point his wife to quality resources to help her in her journey.

Step by Step

Assuming conditions are good, what gets a woman to orgasm? Let’s break it down.

Tease now, please later.

Set the stage, guys. You should create an atmosphere of anticipation. That involves teasing what’s coming later with romantic words and actions.

Now if you do these things solely with the intention of getting sex, a smart woman will sniff that out and snuff it out. Rather, cherish those moments whether they pay off tonight or two weeks from now.

Some options:

• Send her texts expressing your appreciation, desire, or love for her.
• Plan a date night for the two of you. (Dads, book the babysitter too.)
• Buy her that flower bouquet at the grocery store, or if your wife is like me, skip the flowers and choose something else that demonstrates you were thinking of her.

Make sure you have enough time.

Plenty of men can achieve erection quickly, and after that, the average time during intercourse for a man to climax is 5 to 7 minutes. So for many husbands, 10-15 minutes can get it done.

Not so for many wives. One study showed that the average length of foreplay women experienced was 11 minutes, while they really wanted 19 minutes to get really warmed up. And the average time to reach orgasm after intercourse begins is 14 minutes. That is, if she can even get to climax that way. Sixty to 70% of women require additional stimulation, through a hand, mouth, or marital aid, to get to orgasm. But all in all, the event requires a half hour or more.

But hey, that’s okay. Because that study showing wives want 19 minutes of foreplay also showed that husbands want 18 minutes. And they want intercourse to go longer, when possible.

Clear some calendar time so you can savor the lovemaking experience.

Undress for success.

Sometimes, it’s great to just show up naked, ready to romp! But it can also be very sensual to undress your wife or help her out of whatever she’s wearing.

Here’s a good progression to consider:

• Stand back, gaze at your wife, and compliment her beauty.
• Take her hand(s) and close some of the gap between you.
• Work your way from her hand(s) up her arm/sleeve, find the place where her clothing meets skin, and spend some time touching her with your fingers just under the hem.
• Move to another place where her clothing meets her skin (neckline, bottom of her shirt, etc.) and tease there as well.
• Kiss her along the lines of her clothing with slow, soft-lipped caresses. You can also gently use your tongue to trace that area.
• Remove her first piece of clothing. If she has fasteners (buttons, zipper, etc.), slowly open those. If it’s a matter of simply taking off the piece, remove it by inches, touching and kissing her as you do.
• With each item removed, take a moment to breathe, gaze, and appreciate. Let her know that you love her body, just as it is.
• If she wishes to undress you as well, enjoy!

Explore with curiosity.

Think you know all about your wife? Think again. No matter how long you’ve been married, you have more to learn. Not only because we humans are complex, but because your wife’s mind, heart, and body change every few years.

As a woman in her mid-50s, I can say without reservation that what turns me on now isn’t what turned me on 20 or 30 years ago. It’s not a massive difference, but it’s enough that my husband needs to alter his technique to keep hitting the mark. Thankfully, he remains a student of my sexuality (as I do of his, by the way).

Also, what feels good at one time during a woman’s cycle may not feel as good during another part of her cycle. Yeah, I know—we’re complicated. Thus, the need for curiosity!

Imagine you need to memorize your wife’s body and explore with your eyes, hands, and mouth. Since the more sensitive parts of our bodies are on our heads and torso, a good rule of thumb is to move outward in.

Some wives enjoy a foot rub followed by touch and mouth moving up their legs, while other wives would like attention to their hands, arms, and shoulders before moving on. Still others would appreciate having their hair brushed (really!) or their scalp massaged to help them relax before moving into foreplay.

Speaking of which…

Amp up the arousal.

It took us a while to get to the goodies, right? But we’re finally here, where you can engage with the truly erogenous areas of her body. What are those erogenous zones?

A study of 793 men and women—who were in college, but the information is still useful as a starting point—had participants rank how “hot” a spot was on the body (1 to 10 scale). From warm to hottest, here’s how females ranked their erogenous zones:

• Lower back (4.73)
• Ears (5.06)
• Back of neck (6.20)
• Inner thigh (6.70)
• Nipples (7.35)
• Breasts (7.35)
• Nape of neck (7.51)
• Mouth/lips (7.91)
• Vagina (8.40)
• Clitoris (9.17)

Don’t start at the genitals, guys! Maybe start with a lower (and upper) back massage, along with kisses along her ears and neck. Or work your way up to her inner thigh, skip the vagina and clitoris for a bit, and tend to her breasts for a while.

You could also pay attention to that nape of her neck, her breasts and nipples, and/or her mouth and lips. In fact, deep kissing is one of three major moves correlated with women orgasming (see These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm).

And if your wife doesn’t know what she likes or wants, check out my How To posts and/or listen to our Sex Tips podcast episodes for ideas to try.

Whatever actions you take, you want to turn her on elsewhere so that by the time you touch her vulva (the word for a woman’s external genitalia), she’s ready and even aching for it.

By the way, some wives report that they’re feeling that buildup of pleasure, wanting their husband to keep doing what he’s doing that’s hitting that special spot, and then he changes tactics, and she loses momentum. If your wife says, “Keep going” or “Ooh yes, that,” take her literally and keep doing that thing. If she wants something different, she can let you know.

Remember that 19 minutes women wanted for foreplay? Expect to spend 10–15 minutes on this part. But hey, y’all wanted that time too, right? And hopefully, she’ll be touching you as well on your favorite places!

It’s all about the clitoris.

All orgasms involve the clitoris. Now the part of the clitoris you’re most aware of is likely the glans, or head, which sticks out well above the vagina and swells when aroused. Direct stimulation of that knobby part often helps a woman reach orgasm.

But the clitoris is a wishbone-shaped organ that extends on either side of the vaginal opening, and indirect stimulation can also provide pleasure and help a woman come to climax. Indeed, while the vagina itself is sensitive, some of the good feelings from being touched there (with his hand, mouth, penis, or toy) come from pressure on the wishbone arms of the clitoris.

Some wives prefer direct stimulation of that clitoral head that peeks out, while others prefer indirect stimulation. And what she wants may change during the course of a sexual encounter. While it’s all about the clitoris, how to stimulate her clitoris well is up to your wife.

By the way, contact with the clitoral head is not arousing, and may even be irritating, early on in the process or when insufficiently lubricated. So make sure she’s not dry down there but rather has ample moisture—either natural or added lubricant.

Pleasure is the point.

If you aim for orgasm, you may well miss it. Both of you.

In my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous, I advise wives that: “Orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sex as much as you possibly can.”

Both husbands and wives can get in their heads too much, seeking that elusive climax, when the real goals should be intimacy and pleasure.

Husbands, don’t worry about getting her to that Big O. Rather, think about what you can do to increase your wife’s enjoyment. By the way, the brilliant Chris Taylor and I did a webinar on that very topic HERE (at $10, you’ll definitely get your money’s worth). Don’t aim for your wife’s orgasm as much as her moment of abandon—that moment when pleasure overtakes her senses and she feels deeply connected to you.

What Is an Orgasm?

How can you know whether your wife experienced an orgasm?

Let’s face it: About half of women have faked orgasms. I have! Not with my husband, but with lovers in my premarital promiscuous past, and I’d bet a Benjamin (aka $100) that none of those guys knew at the time. But one perk of having years of experience with the same partner is feeling things at a more intimate level. Did she just make some noises, or did you feel her vaginal walls contract?

That’s technically what an orgasm is—muscle contractions in the sexual organs. It’s usually accompanied by intense pleasure, but you and she can know it’s happened if her pelvic region spasms. To help wives recognize the feeling, Christian sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner have described it as a “pelvic sneeze”—a moment of release after a buildup of tension.

A husband may feel such contractions on his penis or fingers (if inserted into her vagina), notice it happening when nearby (e.g., manual stimulation or oral sex), or recognize it when his wife reacts with moans, gasps, screams, etc. (Women vary in how they vocalize orgasm, but most women make sound.)

The wife having the orgasm may not follow the typical “it’s like fireworks!” explanation. Orgasms can be explosive, but they can also be experienced as deep satisfaction or lighthearted joy. They can empty a woman’s mind or fill her heart. They can feel life-changing or simply good.

Orgasm doesn’t need to be one specific thing. It’s a sweet payoff for her—and you—however she experiences it.

Finish Well

Achieving orgasm isn’t the end of the lovemaking experience, for you or for her. For one thing, some wives may want more. That’s one of the perks of being a woman! We can experience a longer climax or sequential orgasms. But let your wife be the one to decide. At some point, an orgasm or orgasms can feel overwhelming or even uncomfortable.

But if you’re really done, take time for a bit of afterglow. Express appreciation through words of affirmation or affection. Embrace for a few minutes. Clean up together. Take time to pray and thank God for the gift of sex you both enjoyed.

What happens at the end of sex often sets the stage for the next encounter. Because it demonstrates how you feel about the value of intimacy with your wife.

What If She Just … Doesn’t?

Sometimes you can do everything near perfect, and a wife still doesn’t reach climax. It’s not your fault or hers. Bodies sometimes don’t cooperate. (Men of a certain age recognize that truth as well.)

If she wants to keep trying, go for it. Assuming your penis is done for the time being, use your finger(s), mouth, or a vibrator to help her get there. Alternatively, she can stimulate herself while you pleasure her elsewhere with kissing, caressing her breasts, etc.

But if your wife doesn’t want to keep trying, let it go this time. Reassure her that you enjoyed being close and giving her pleasure. Comfort her if she’s feeling disappointed or frustrated. If she wanted to orgasm but couldn’t, she may also blame herself; be sensitive to her feelings and remind her that bodies simply don’t cooperate sometimes and y’all can try again at a future sexual encounter.

You may want to do some things differently next time, but right after sex isn’t the best time for that conversation. Approach that subject later on to see if she has any tips you can incorporate into your next lovemaking session.

If she continues to struggle for a long time, encourage her to see her healthcare provider and/or seek out a counselor to help her process what’s going on. Offer to go with her, but don’t push. She may want to check things out herself first before inviting you into that vulnerable space.

___

That was a lot of info. Don’t worry, you won’t be tested on it. At least not by me. (I can’t speak for your wife! ~grin~) And you needn’t check these notes as you’re engaging in lovemaking. My intention, rather, is to give husbands ideas of how to help their wives reach orgasm.

As always, check these ideas with your wife. She may like some of them better than others. Try out one or two tips one time and other tips another time. Incorporate more as you go. Test and refine. And remain a student of your spouse so that you can adapt to changing desires and bodies.

But do prioritize your wife’s enjoyment in the bedroom. God’s design for sex is mutually desired and satisfying sexual intimacy. In other words, sex is for both of you—including a climax.

Sources Consulted:

•  Frederick, D. A., John, H. K. S., Garcia, J. R., & Lloyd, E. A. (2018). Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample. Archives of sexual behavior, 47(1), 273–288. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z
• Amanda N Gesselman, Margaret Bennett-Brown, Simon Dubé, Ellen M Kaufman, Jessica T Campbell, Justin R Garcia, The lifelong orgasm gap: exploring age’s impact on orgasm rates, Sexual Medicine, Volume 12, Issue 3, June 2024, qfae042, https://doi.org/10.1093/sexmed/qfae042
• Miller, S. A., & Byers, E. S. (2004). Actual and desired duration of foreplay and intercourse: Discordance and misperceptions within heterosexual couples. The Journal of Sex Research, 41(3), 301–309. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490409552237
• How Long People Want Sex To Last Versus How Long Sex Actually Lasts – Sex and Psychology
• How long should the ideal sexual intercourse last, according to researchers? | scienceillustrated.com
• How Long Does It Take Women to Climax During Intercourse? | Psychology Today
• Women’s Orgasm Takes Longer During Partnered Sex – ISSM
• How long does it take a woman to reach orgasm? – ISSM
• SMSNA – How Long Does It Take the Average Man to Ejaculate?
• Penner, Clifford, and Joyce Penner. Restoring the pleasure: Complete step-by-step programs to help couples overcome the most common sexual barriers. Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group, an imprint of Thomas Nelson, 2016.

The post How to Bring Her to Orgasm appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

With that in mind, here’s this month’s reader question:

I wanted to ask how you know if you’re close to having an orgasm? There are times when my body tightens up in a way that seems similar to when my husband orgasms. However, it’s not followed by a sense of release or uterine contractions (which I thought is an orgasm?). Do you think this is on the way to orgasm?

Quick answer: Yes, I think you’re on the way to orgasm. Building tension is a key component of heading toward climax. But the arousal may not have increased enough to get you over the edge to release.

There are really two ways to look at orgasm: physiologically and experientially. Let’s look at each.

Physiology of an Orgasm

Medical professionals and scientific researchers define the buildup and orgasm through physical characteristics — that is, what’s actually happening in your body. Leading up to a climax, the blood vessels in the genitalia dilate, meaning that a woman’s vulva will swell. The inner vaginal lips will become 2-3 times their normal size. The blood flow can also cause flushing of the body, particularly on the neck and chest. Heart rate, breathing, and blood pressure increase.

Right against the edge orgasm, blood flow causes the lower area inside the vagina to become firm. A wife’s breasts may swell, the areola of her breasts (shaded part around the nipple) flatten, and the clitoris pulls back from the pubic bone. The climax, however, has not happened until rhythmic contractions occur.

That’s a lot going on, and you’re almost certainly not aware of all that as it’s happening. Your husband is likely not fully aware either, as you are both hopefully caught up in the passion of the moment — not eyeballing your parts to see what’s swelling or firming or flattening.

But biologically speaking, that’s what’s going on.

Experience of an Orgasm

Experientially, the female climax has certain features most wives recognize, but it can also be individual. One wife may flush a lot, and another not so much. One wife may feel her pulse strongly, and another isn’t all that aware. One wife may feel the contractions strongly, and another less strongly.

So how do you know when you are coming close? Or have arrived?

I asked the wives in my closed Hot, Holy & Humorous Facebook Community to describe their experience, and here’s what they wrote:

• Increasing leg twitches, a feeling of warmth in the whole pelvic region, and a building tension similar to the buildup before a sneeze.
• Like I am on a roller coaster heading up a big hill then the drop off the end for the orgasm
• Shin cramp
• Legs start twitching and my leg muscles automatically tense. The pelvic region in general will tense and … there’s a feeling of warmth or tingling. And then there’s the wave as the tide hits
• My stomach drops like on a roller coaster, just before you go over the top, then I have the most peculiar feeling to hold perfectly still and not breathe
• There is a very intense feeling in the clitoral area that builds. All my muscles tense up. This continues till I can’t take it anymore and then the release…ahhh
• Much more vocal, focused on only on us and the moment. My inhibitions become waaay lower
• The good feeling of what is happening intensifies and gets more and more concentrated almost until I can’t take it anymore, then it’s like an electric explosion
• A lot of pressure, but it’s pleasurable. Warm and tense in the clitoral area. Sometimes my body shakes a little bit. Breath comes in gasps. Muscles tense up right before. 
• This weird sensation that starts from the pelvic region and travels up my left side of my spine, to my brain — then, fireworks. … I also agree with the leg twitches, and the first time I heard “like a pelvic sneeze” I thought- YES! that is exactly what it is like.
• I feel like I’m moving closer and closer to something amazing—good sensations everywhere and everything feels so good and much more intense. When it happens—the best way to describe it for me is fireworks exploding in my brain and all over my body
• Tingling, tickling, spark-like sensations. I also feel a swelling in that area and stimulation at times feels like it’s too much to handle. I also cannot keep my hips still… then it feels like a run away train or fireworks that go every which way in the end
• I can no longer focus on what I’m doing (like kissing or touching his back)
• Mostly it seems like my toes just curl up and I feel just warm and fuzzy, nothing real intense, but my breathing stops and I just feel so close and connected with my hubby

My favorite description here might be the “pelvic sneeze.” But think of a big sneeze — like that one that makes your whole body tense, and you know it’s coming and you won’t be able to stop it, and the eventual sneeze is actually a relief. 

If you’re not sure you’ve had an orgasm, then you probably haven’t. (Not always true, but generally so.) The contractions are really the key, and you should be able to feel those, at least somewhat — and it should be followed by a release of muscle tension.

Achieving an Orgasm

So what factors can help a preorgasmic wife finally reach orgasm? I recently read an interesting study about what helps a woman climax, in which researchers said mattered most were:

• How important orgasms were considered personally
• How high was sexual desire
• How high was sexual self-esteem (including how skillful and good in bed women considered themselves)
• How open was sexual communication with the partner
• Ability to concentrate on the moment
• Mutual sexual initiations
• Partner’s good sexual techniques

I actually address every one those in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. So if you’re struggling, go get a copy! (Or get a copy anyway, to boost your lovemaking.)

The vast majority of wives can, and definitely should, reach orgasm most times they have sexual intimacy with their husbands. If you’re not getting there, it’s time to consider the issues mentioned above. Though I would add relationship health and belief as a Christian that sexual intimacy is a God-approved and blessed activity in marriage.

Orgasm is an experience not quite like any other, and I hope and pray that each wife can lean into their sexual enjoyment and feel that special peak of pleasure.

Sources include Medical News Today: Everything you need to know about orgasms; NIH – Determinants of female sexual orgasms

The post Q&A with J: How Do You Know When Orgasm is Close? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I’m not really sure how to ask this in a way that makes sense, but how can my husband and I achieve bringing me to orgasm with his penis or with vaginal penetration? We’ve been married for a few years and have a wonderful love life, but it frustrates me so badly that I can’t seem to orgasm easily unless he uses his hand or mouth. I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me.

It feels amazing when he’s inside, but it doesn’t take too long and I get so sore down there. (not because he isn’t gentle or patient, either.) Do some people just not work they are supposed to? We’ve tried the whole getting me almost there manually before he goes in but by then usually he’s so close it doesn’t take very long before he goes and then it’s really hard to finish me off, although the dear man makes sure we do. What can we try?

Let me start with this question: “Do some people just not work [how] they are supposed to?” There’s a myth in there that women are supposed to orgasm through penetration. But studies have reported that 70% or more of women cannot orgasm through intercourse alone.

I recently wrote about the “golden trio” of deep kissing, manual play, and oral sex that seems to best help women achieve climax. Missing from that list of three is intercourse. Why? Because the engagement of our minds and direct stimulation of the clitoris are the two factors more important in getting us to the pleasure peak.

So if you have difficulty getting there through intercourse, please realize that your body might be working just fine. It’s just that we have unrealistic expectations about attaining orgasm with intercourse, based on what we’ve heard, read in romance novels, or seen in TV or movies.

Now let’s go over some questions to consider and some options to try. Because you likely can, one way or another, have a wonderful orgasm during intercourse.

What’s your C-V distance?

The ability to orgasm just with penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse seems to be a function of anatomy, specifically the distance between your clitoris and vagina (“C-V distance”). The “magic number,” according to researchers is 2.5 centimeters.

I suppose you can pull out your measuring tape, even enlist your husband to help, and measure to see what your C-V distance is. But one researcher suggests you can get a good sense of your C-V by simply using the “rule of thumb.” The distance from the tip of your thumb to your first knuckle is about 2.5 centimeters. If you’re around or under that distance, you should be able to achieve climax with intercourse.

However, if your C-V is higher, say 3 centimeters or a bit longer than that first thumb joint, then it’s unlikely you’ll climax through intercourse alone. That doesn’t mean you’re broken (see 70% stat above), but that you’ll have to add some additional stimulation.

What positions and angles are you using?

The traditional missionary position is among the worst for a woman to climax. Since an intercourse orgasm relies on indirect stimulation of the clitoris with his penis, the angle at which he penetrates and thrusts determines how much clitoral contact she feels.

If you’re lying in the missionary position, you can move your hips and legs to bring your clitoral head closer to the action, thus making it more likely that his penis will make contact there. I talk about this stuff in more detail in chapters on positions, what to do with your hips, and what to do with your legs in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

But other positions might work very well for you. Some women report PIV entry from behind as being more stimulating or woman on top allowing her to “grind” against him more. Test out different positions and angles and see which ones give you the most pleasure.

Do you have enough lubrication?

You say it feels amazing when he’s inside, but then you struggle with quickly getting sore. This could happen because you’re going at it for so long, chasing that elusive climax. But it could also be that your body runs out of lubrication. In which case, you should consider what you can do to remedy that.

Lack of lubrication is often a function of hormones, which is why it’s a struggle for many menopausal women. But it’s also a challenge at certain times in a woman’s cycle, meaning you might have an easier time climaxing through intercourse when you are ovulating. Also, if you’re taking oral contraception or on certain medications, they could affect your body’s ability to lubricate sufficiently.

If this is part of the issue, keep personal lubricant handy, apply it liberally, and add it as needed. He can always pull out, add some lubrication to his penis, and then thrust back in. Even if you do this a few times, it could help you go long enough to get to the climax without discomfort.

Why not add manual stimulation?

There is zero wrong with adding stimulation to get you over the edge. Likely, the best way to do this is to get you close to climax, or even have one climax already, and then have your husband penetrate. After that, he can add his hand, or you can add your own, to directly stimulate the clitoral head (the part of your clitoris that sticks out under the clitoral hood).

Get in a position that allows access to the clitoral head. Just a few choices include:

• “Doggy style” (which fellow blogger Chris Taylor recently suggested we rename “stallion style,” a definite improvement), with your legs far enough apart for him to wrap his hand around or you to reach
• Adapted missionary with your legs spread far apart, even like a butterfly yoga pose, so that your clitoral head is exposed for touching
• “Cowgirl” (woman on top) with your hips tilted forward so he can view and reach your clitoral head

Christian Friendly Sex Positions even has an entire section on positions that allow access for manual clitoral stimulation you can check for ideas.

And those who are screaming at me right now, “A vibrator! You can use a vibrator!” Yes, you can use a bullet style vibrator as well to stimulate your clitoral head. I’m personally a fan of first seeing what magic you can work with your hands, but this is a good option for wives who have tried various options and still struggle to reach climax.

Is adding additional stimulation “cheating”? Or somehow less fulfilling than having a climax through intercourse alone? No. It’s engaging in sexual intimacy that is mutually arousing and satisfying to both of you.

You might be able to someday orgasm through intercourse alone … and you might not. Either way, you can orgasm with your husband inside you. And that produces the same wonderful sensations of your vagina spasming around his penis. That’s pretty great stuff, however it happens.

The post Q&A with J: “How Can I Orgasm with Penetration?” appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Do you have any tips for communicating with your husband during intercourse? Hubby and I have been married less than two years, and with most of that entailing some pretty serious physical issues, let’s just say orgasms for me have been hard to come by. We’re finally getting back on track, but still struggling with getting me “across the finish line.” I know we’re supposed to give our husbands in-the-moment feedback, but I literally can’t even figure out how to use words to describe what I want! And what words I can come up with, just the act of thinking and then speaking completely derails any momentum we had going, so end up either frustrated or bored trying to figure out how quickly I can wrap things up! I have tried guiding hubby’s hands but that ends up being more awkward and cumbersome than trying to speak! We talk outside of the bedroom, and I still have a hard time conveying specifically what I might want. And when I tell DH to try changing things up or experimenting a little, he seems to just go back to exactly what he’s used to doing! i love my husband dearly, but it’s like if I don’t give him point by point (by point by point by point) instructions he will always default to the same non-effective thing. Is it really completely my job to completely figure out and explain everything? (If you say yes I’ll believe you J any tips for us?

Fessing up, I think communicating verbally during sex is one of the most awkward things I’ve done. Have you ever watched a lovemaking scene on-screen where someone said, “Hold on, I need you to move your hand a little to the left. Okay, there. Softer”? No. No, you have not. What do the scripts say? “I love you,” “You’re beautiful,” “You’re my soul mate,” etc.

And that’s all great. But sometimes you’re right in the throes of passion and intensity is building, and you know — just know — that if he could touch you differently, just a bit, you’d plunge into the orgasm pool with a great big aaaaah. So how do you help him know what brings you the greatest pleasure?

Let’s start with the last question this reader asked: Is it really completely my job to completely figure out and explain everything? No, it’s not. Ideally, you figure out together what works best for you. For instance, even though I’ve encouraged women to explore their own sexual organs to see what feels good so they can then translate that knowledge into the marriage bed, your hand and his hand feel different. So you still have some discovery to do together.

This is actually pretty cool, the way God designed sex. Rather than viewing it as an obstacle, it’s an opportunity take a guided tour of your spouse’s body and explore this amazing territory. What happens when I touch you like this? Do you like it when I kiss you here? How about here? What are your most sensitive places? How can I stir your sensuality and satisfy your senses? What can I do to take you over the edge?

So how do you do experiment and find out what works? Because that’s the first step. You can’t tell somehow what you like if you’ve had no experience with what you like. And it sounds like you two are doing this in the midst of making love. Maybe you need to step back, put intercourse on the back burner for a bit, and actually have a session of exploration, experimentation, and experience.

When you’re not focused on having intercourse or reaching an orgasm, you can slow down, take your time, and see what feels good. If you can swing it, it might be worth you stripping down but him leaving on his clothes, so that the focus is totally on you and your pleasure. Do this once, twice, or a few times, and it might be rather eye-opening for you both.

But even when you’re in the middle of exploration or foreplay, how do you know what you want? Do you really want more pressure or less? To be touched higher or lower? To have him go slower or faster? This is a mindfulness exercise for us women. We have to be very focused on what’s happening with our bodies. We have to mentally concentrate on the sensations we’re feeling and then think, What might feel even better?

It’s often very intentional at first. You purposefully set out to think about what you’re feeling, what might feel good, ask for that, then adjust — moment by moment, touch by touch. But it’s like learning anything else: after a while, you get better and know more quickly and intuitively what you like. Also, most husbands begin to read their wives better, recognizing certain kinds of tension in her body or sounds she’s making indicate greater pleasure.

But what words do you use? It depends somewhat on your own communication style. But, like you, I’ve found that forming words during lovemaking can be difficult at times. So I think a limited vocabulary can help in getting what you want. Keep it to single words and short phrases you can quickly get out and he can quickly respond to. Like softer, harder, faster, slower, up, down, deeper, etc.

Mind you, you might have to use opposite words in a row. Like if you say harder and he gets too rough, you’ll need to say softer to get him to back off little. By the way, hubbies, this is not a critique of your sexual performance. We’re actually more impressed with your lovemaking when you’re willing to listen to our suggestions and help us figure out how we can experience the most pleasure. Good lovers listen and learn.

Good lovers listen and learn.
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What about your momentum? Yeah, it’s interrupted. Once again … at first. When you start talking during lovemaking, it feels awkward and can disrupt your flow. But trust the process. Just because you’re playing scales now doesn’t mean you won’t be mastering Bach tomorrow. In fact, you have to play the scales first.

So let it be awkward. Even be playful about it. Faster, slower, there — yeah, baby [insert giggle here]. Feeling free enough to be a little off-kilter in the moment with your spouse increases intimacy. Because you’re sharing in this discovery, these private moments, and your eventual success.

One final thought: It’s okay to add yourself to this mix. I have encouraged wives to simply move his hand where you want it (hard to ignore that signal). But you can also put your own hand where you want to be touched and say here. Or even take over the direct stimulation, so that he can do something else that arouses you — and together, you bring yourself to climax. Not only is that okay, some husbands find it exciting to see their wives touch themselves. It shows them how into it she is.

I believe you can make this work and experience intimate lovemaking and amazing climaxes. May God bless your efforts!

The post Q&A with J: How Do I Express What I Want in Bed? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

With that in mind, today’s question has been sitting in my inbox for months. But I’m eager to answer today, because this wife’s story illuminates some challenges in many marriage beds:

I have been married almost 8yrs and have never had an orgasm, this is frustrating to both me and my husband because he feels like he isn’t good enough and that he isn’t pleasing me. Even though I tell him time and time again that I do enjoy sex, and I do get a lot of pleasure even though I don’t orgasm. Sometimes I feel such intense pleasure that I think I’m going to and nothing happens, and he finishes, sometimes I feel like if he could last a little longer that maybe I could orgasm, but I don’t know (he wants to get a fleshlight to try some exercise to make him last longer but I don’t feel comfortable with it). I feel like he has given up on me, that he doesn’t even try to please me anymore, that sex is all for him and it makes me want to cry, there is hardly any foreplay anymore. I tried to talk to him, to tell him that I need foreplay to get wet, and I tried to explain that I read that some women need a lot of foreplay and clitoral stimulation to orgasm and that I want to try some new things. He took this as me being selfish and only wanting to do what I want by saying “I need this” that I only care about my pleasure and not his. But he does get pleasure and he does orgasm and I don’t, I just want to try to orgasm. He told me to try masturbating but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that because of how I was raised. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to bring it up to him anymore because I don’t want to upset him (he suffers from depression and self esteem issues, no he is not abusive).

Starting with her issues about reaching orgasm, let me first share some of what I’ve written about that topic, and you can read whichever posts seem to apply to your situation:

What’s So Great about an Orgasm?

Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm

But I Still Can’t Orgasm! What Next?

Q&A with J: “I Just Can’t Seem to Orgasm”

Q&A with J: Your Pleasure & Orgasm Matter

Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage also keeps a running list of posts about orgasm on her aptly named The Orgasm Page. It’s a terrific resource.

And the best treatment I have about reaching climax is in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, where I walk through attitude, technique, and tips to help you achieve that marvelous peak of pleasure.

Now in this question, there seems to be a core issue that the husband doesn’t really understand how his wife’s orgasm works. And I hear that a lot.

Your spouse’s arousal isn’t like yours. We walk through life with the lens of our own experience coloring everything we see. When it’s relatively easy for you to orgasm, it can be hard to understand why it’s so difficult for your spouse. It takes intentionality and empathy to imagine what someone else is going through and to respond accordingly. But the beauty of God’s design is that you are required to get to know each other better, more intimately, to experience all the pleasure you can have in your marriage bed.

And it sounds to me like hubby just doesn’t know what her orgasm looks like. Because it isn’t like his. Or like he’s heard. Or even experienced with someone else. (I don’t know their history).

Once the wife learns more about how her pleasure and climax work (see resources above), then she can better teach her husband. But ultimately, it requires patience, communication, openness, exploration, and respect. Yep, respect. Respect that the wife’s body is its own beautiful creation and needs to be treated with wonder and, at times, perseverance.

Now I understand the appeal of a sex toy to help things out. That’s what a Fleshlight is, for those who don’t know. It’s a toy that simulates a vagina for a man to “practice” increasing his stamina. But in addition to my objections about the Fleshlight website (don’t go there—the “eye candy” is bad for you), I doubt this will achieve what you want. Because while it might increase his stamina, it still doesn’t help him figure out what works for your body. And your issue doesn’t seem to be him not lasting long enough. (By the way, if stamina is an issue, there are several techniques you can use to increase his time to climax.)

Also, while masturbating might get you there, ideally you want to experience him giving you such pleasure that you reach orgasm. I’m not opposed to adding your hand to the mix during a sexual encounter to finish out strong, but it is a lovely feeling to have your beloved husband get you all the way there.

With all that in mind, here’s what your husband needs to know about your orgasm. (You can even highlight and print the following and then hand it to him as a summary.)

Wanting orgasm isn’t selfish. God intended for both spouses to experience a great deal of physical pleasure and emotional bonding during the sex act. And while neither spouse has to climax every single time, it should be a regular occurrence that both of you complete your pleasure with that exciting peak. What’s selfish is to expect to achieve orgasm after orgasm after orgasm while your spouse pines to have even one.

Women usually don’t know their sexual organs as well as men know theirs. It’s a fact of life that men have easy access to their sexual organ from infancy, and they are intimately familiar with what it looks like, how it feels, and what it does. Women are more mysterious — with their sexual organs tucked in like the interior of a flower that must bloom for you to see and experience the beauty fully. Meaning we’ve got a learning curve to figure out how our bodies best respond sexually, and a husband can help a great deal with exploring and discovering all of her natural wonders.

It takes you a lot longer than it takes him. Typically, that’s true. Not necessarily once you’re both in the throes of passion, but most wives take longer to heat up to that point. We need romance, arousal, foreplay, pleasure. It’s why the number one tip I give husbands over and over is slow down.

Vaginal orgasms are the hardest to reach. Penetration is the best way for a man to climax, but not for a woman. Stimulation of the clitoris is required for a wife to reach orgasm. However, that stimulation is indirect during sexual intercourse, while it can be directly applied with manual play for her or oral sex. If you want a man’s view of how to approach things, Paul Byerly of Generous Husband has a detailed post for husbands on performing orgasmic massage.

Hopefully, that information and all the links in this post will help.

Finally, I know that you “don’t even want to bring it up to him anymore because I don’t want to upset him.” But what’s the alternative? Are you planning to continue the status quo? Because that seems rather unacceptable.

God wants you both to experience pleasure in the marriage bed, including the orgasm. Maybe you could read my post on talking to your spouse about sexual problems and figure out a way to bring up the subject gently, supportively, lovingly.

The post Q&A with J: Does He Know How Your Orgasm Works? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.