One of the questions I receive most is from wives asking how to achieve orgasm. That’s understandable, since a really great orgasm is one of the few things that lives up to its billing.
I have a full chapter on orgasm in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, and that remains my best advice on how to get there. But although I incorporated the following information into what I said based on personal experience and hearsay, I didn’t have the study I want to share about what researchers call the “Golden Trio.”
It starts with 52,000 participants in an online survey, which is obviously a huge sample. Admittedly, it’s not a perfect sample, because this survey was hosted on the NBC News website, so there was self-selection in who participated. Still, given that number, there should be some interesting insights.
Among the many questions about sex that they asked, they queried about orgasm. And while 95% of heterosexual men reported usually or always reaching orgasm during sexually intimate encounters, only 65% of heterosexual women reported the same. That’s a good-sized gap of 30%.
Now one question that I don’t believe was there was whether there was a concerted effort to reach orgasm and the woman was unable to do so. Because, for reasons that men sometimes don’t understand, some wives don’t always feel the need to orgasm (see Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm).
However, it’s pretty clear based on God’s design for sex — our sexual responsiveness, our physiology (thank You for that clitoris!), and the importance of mutual pleasure in the marriage bed — that wives should be achieving orgasm regularly in their lovemaking. Meaning that 30% gap is way too big.
How do you close that gap?
Researchers found that vaginal penetration alone (as I and others have said) is not likely to get to get most women to climax. A PIV orgasm can be great, but it often follows on the heels of an orgasm achieved in a different way. Specifically, according to this study, through the combination of three actions — that is, the “golden trio.”
1. Genital Stimulation
In basic terms, stimulation of the clitoris is what brings a wife to climax. Since vaginal penetration is indirect stimulation of the clitoris, it’s more difficult to get the right angle, pressure, and intensity to bring her to the peak.
More effective is hubby taking his hand and touching the clitoral hood directly. Remember that hood is just the part of the clitoris that protrudes from the body, while more of the clitoris can be aroused by massage of the vulva. Regardless, make sure there’s sufficient lubrication, find the touching that she likes, and directly touch her in that sensitive spot.
2. Deep Kissing
Are you surprised to see that one? I’m not. But I do think we overlook this important activity after we get married and in the midst of making love. All the other bits seem so fun and sexy and only-in-marriage that we forget how fabulous kissing can be. It’s why I wrote You’re Not Kissing Enough.
But this was reported by women in the study as so significant to reaching orgasm that it got equal time with genital contact. Actually, long before that, in the one book of the Bible devoted to marital, sexual intimacy, God shared this wisdom. Song of Songs opens with this line: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine” (1:2). Are you spending enough time delighting in your spouse’s better-than-wine lips? Maybe you should spend more.
3. Oral Sex
That’s oral sex for her, by the way. It’s the same principle as genital stimulation above, in that hubby can directly stimulate the clitoris, helping her to edge up the slope to orgasm and reach that peak with a cry of victory. Why is oral sex (aka cunnilingus) so helpful in this regard? Well, she’s getting lubrication with his mouth, he can cover a larger area with his mouth and tongue, and the tongue can do more delicate things than a man’s finger. It’s a pretty cool pleasure tool.
There are yet some wives who are reluctant to give this activity a green flag, and some husbands who hesitate as well, but oral sex really is a good way for many wives to finally achieve orgasm. Whatever mental barriers you have to this practice, I’ve answered a lot of those in my blog and my book. And let me direct you to this verse from Song of Songs: “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16b).
Actually, all three of these actions get their own treatment in my book too — a whole chapter each on kissing and oral sex, and a section in the hands-on chapter about manual play for her (genital stimulation, that is).
What else helps a woman reach orgasm? The survey concluded something else interesting: Women who played music, changed sexual positions, or exchanged I love yous during their last sexual encounter were about 20% more likely to report usually or always orgasming. Atmosphere and adaptability matter too.
Also, women who orgasm more frequently tended to have a longer duration of sex and higher relationship satisfaction. Smaller but significant factors that also influenced orgasm were asking for particular behaviors in bed and flirting with your partner throughout the day.
Good gravy, it’s almost like they’ve been reading my blog and my book. 😉
Seriously, though, if you’re pre-orgasmic (haven’t gotten there yet), want to have more orgasms, or just want to give this “golden trio” a go, why not try genital stimulation, deep kissing, and oral sex with your next lovemaking encounter? Of course, you can have intercourse too. In fact, many wives who experience this level of pleasure will desire intercourse even more after hitting that high note.
They say that good things come in threes. Maybe “this golden trio” will bring a very good thing to your sexual intimacy.
Sources: The Guardian – ‘Golden trio’ of moves boosts chances of female orgasm, say researchers; Archives of Sexual Behavior – Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample
28 thoughts on “These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm”
Hubby won’t do any of them. :-/
Thankfully, I have been able to train my body to start responding to what he does allow. It is getting better in that regard.
What?! Might he respond to you showing him the research?
I should add that the article said 30% of men believed women could easily orgasm from intercourse alone, so that belief is fairly common. He might be in that group who doesn’t understand or thinks you’re the unusual one or something. Maybe if he knew the reality for female arousal and climax, it could help. Praying…
Yes J! A common problem is for a husband to “project” his sexual satisfaction onto his wife. Sadly, our need to feel masculine often leads to self delusion and lack of satisfaction for the wife as the research you pointed out showed. If husbands could only be encouraged to welcome the challenge of the supposedly unresponsive wife, and recognize his part as leader in bed. Many husbands simply lack skill, but delusion keeps them from learning. Instead they fuel the wife’s belief that she has a problem, when the problem all along is him.
Oh, he does know, he just doesn’t like oral, manual, or French kissing.
Hmmm. These are the moments when I wish I could talk to the spouse.
J, I’ve read accounts of some who were raised in “Purity Culture.” It seems the effect was to make them to minimize or disregard whether or not they were sexually turned on by their potential mate before proceeding with marriage. After marriage, lack of attraction leads to sex under duress. I wonder how widespread this issue is?
Good question. And I don’t know the answer. Some of the messages of the Purity Culture were around when I was young, but the hard-core movement was a whole other enchilada.
My husband is very willing to do all three. He does them regularly. I however CANNOT seem to have an orgasm. He wants me to be able to do badly and so do I but it just doesn’t happen. Not even close. We have been married 15 years and have had 7 babies of whom I’ve breastfed all for the first year of life. I try to blame it on year after year of pregnancy and breastfeeding but honestly I think it’s just me. I’m 36, happily married but am just really sad and discouraged. I feel like the Lord left me out of this awesomeness. I know logically that is rediclous but is so disheartening. I appreciate your blog, it’s given me lots of food for thought.
Well, as I say, I’ve written on orgasm…and my podcast will have an episode coming soon on that topic. Maybe something there will help!
A, I doubt you have problem. My wife has had nine babies and breast fed them all. Each woman is unique and responds differently. What works for woman B may not work for woman A (no pun intended!) Quite possibly your husband just needs to explore some new techniques or be more patient. “Good things take time.”
Please know that you are not alone. My wife and I have been married nearly 40 years and she still has not been able to truly orgasm. For her, I think her health conditions (chronic pain, fibro) has something to do with it.
I understand what you mean. Been married 13 years and have never orgasmed. I’ve tried books, blogs like this, counseling, etc. . I understand your frustration, even with God. I have often felt that too. Sometimes I feel like I’m close but nothing takes me over the edge, and it can actually get quite uncomfortable if hubby keeps trying. I wonder if there is something wrong, and I just try to enjoy the rest of our marriage and life – but it can be disheartening. I don’t like it when people on forums say it’ll happen. How do you know? There are so many people out there with mental and physical disabilities that we don’t tell them will go away if they just try and wait. So maybe I have some kind of sexual disability. Fortunately we have a wonderful family anyway, and hubby loves me even if we do get frustrated with my issue.
Alex….Exactly! It does eventually get uncomfortable to keep trying…. its agitating and not in a good way at all after a while. (And yes, we’ve tried XYZ then ZYX) I feel like sometimes I get close but then it’s annoying. I like you am perfectly happy otherwise. I think people are trying to be encouraging by saying it will happen BUT it’s not at all, it just stings. So at this point I guess if God wills for that portion of the marriage bed for me then I’ll have it, if not, I’ll continue to go back and forth with my feelings of thankfulness for my husband and disappointment in myself.
When I first started masturbating in my teen years instead of having an orgasm, I just felt like I had to urinate. After a while, I pushed passed the bathroom feeling and started experiencing a true orgasm…..but still had to urinate afterwards. It took a few years before my body stopped feeling that way and stayed with just an orgasm.
For some women having an orgasm can be uncomfortable physically at first. We fall away from “falling over the edge” into orgasm because we aren’t sure what’ll happen to us. It is a loss of self control in a way. But, boy, once you do….wow!!
Alex, no doubt some may never be able to orgasm. Since orgasm is mostly mental, It’s possible to be so focused on “it” that it becomes impossible. In such case, perhaps it would be best to leave the concern soley with your husband and the Lord. “Cast your cares upon Him.” I’m sure J has some helpful perspective on this.
Great post. 🙂 One thing that helps with orgasm is to be vocal. I think it keeps your head in the game, at least it does for me. Making noises just keeps my mind off of the grocery list. 😀
And I can guarantee that your being vocal really revs up your husband!
Even when I was in my ‘thirsty thirties’ and tried to do it myself, I was never able to ‘o’. I’ve always assumed it’s overrated 🙂 I’m very fortunate that my husband accepts this (because his first wife was very responsive), and that’s because, probably, I let him know how much I enjoy what we do even without the ‘o’ (as you said in your 2014 post). However, what I wanted to say is that my husband, an older man who’s had prostate surgery, only ‘o’s 40 – 50% of the time. He tells me (and demonstrates) that he still enjoys sex even without the ‘o’. I was surprised to learn this works for men.
I’m crying & frustrated with you all that have commented about not having orgasm. My prayers are with you. It’s amazing how we are all the same & different. Sounds like all of us on here sympathize & want for things to be better. If I could offer, intimacy isn’t just an orgasm. Sex can’t be done by some. Orgasm can’t be reached by some. I completely understand blogs like this wanting to help with a major problem. Yes marriage is the one place we should be having sex. But, not everyone can. We don’t exactly know why either. Sex isn’t like going without water. People live without it. It is a reality in God’s hands. Don’t be afraid of where your lives fall into place. You are not weird. You are loved. Your marriage is your marriage. Stand strong before God with what it is. Marriages have to adjust. We all have to deal with issues. Sin corrupted our existence long before we were born here. EVERYONE has casualties. Sometimes those casualties are common & other times they are not. We do what we can to fix what we can within God’s boundaries. Sometimes He says His grace is sufficient. That is an answer EVERYONE has to wrestle with. It’s universal. Not one person has never had to deal with God’s Grace being enough in the face of a need or desired outcome. In all issues of life sometimes the only answer is to rest in Him even when it doesn’t make sense. You’re dealing with this is a good testimony. Bravo. Thank you for your vulnerability. I appreciate it.
So good and encouraging!
I hope that sharing the experience that my beautiful wife of 26 years and I have been through, might encourage our brothers and sisters who are still in the midst of this frustrating pursuit.
My wife had never, ever had an orgasm in her entire life. She somehow managed to go through puberty without having any desire at all to touch herself, or engage in any form of self discovery. With the benefit of hindsight, we’ve come to the conclusion that she perceived sex, and certainly masturbation, to be something “dirty” and an act that was for the satisfaction of men.
Needless to say, in our two plus decades together, I exhausted just about every angle I could conceive of, to break through those foundational beliefs that she held onto so tightly. She just had no interest in exploring the possibility that God intended for married couples to BOTH experience pleasure in their marital bed. She said that she enjoyed what our sex life was comprised of, and that she felt like it was more about my ego and pride, than my honest longing to give her as much pleasure as she gave me.
That cut pretty deep, because I knew better.
After much prayer, many conversations, many battles of wills, and some honest assessments of my motives, I made the decision to be grateful for the infinite blessings my wife bestows upon me, and to let go of the struggle to get her past the obstacles that I viewed as being a hindrance to our growth in the area of intimacy.
Lo and behold, when the focus was shifted, and the pressure removed, God stepped in and proved that miracles do happen, and hearts do change!
Without trying to cover the numerous and beautiful changes that began to occur, I’ll just say that I believe that the number one factor that led us to where we are now, was learning through all of the ups and downs we faced, to talk to each other. Not making conversation, but opening up to each other, and learning who we are as unique individuals. The by product of that was a level of trust and familiarity that allowed for vulnerability on both of our parts, without fear judgement.
As for the happy ending? Well, here goes.
My wife had her very first orgasm 23 years into our marriage, at the age of 46! Our sex life is ridiculously amazing as compared to our “younger, thinner, but clueless” years , and laughter is as much a part of it as moans of pleasure are!
I had become resigned to the fact that things were just the way they were, and never imagined that they’d surpass my wildest dreams. But God is great, and He wants our relationships with our spouses to be all that He intended.
I thank Him for that every time I have the honor of becoming one flesh with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on…??
♥ ♥ ♥ — that is all.
I wonder if any of you were aware of how paraplegics and quadroplegics reach orgasm? They do this through mental means. They train themselves to respond to a part of their body being stimulated. One lady might orgasm from her husband kissing her neck, or man from his wife sucking his thumb. The brain is so amazing. Also those who have tried and tried might want to do some research on body armouring. The parts of the body that are supposed to orgasm may not because of hidden trauma, hidden in the brain. I never had a vaginal orgasm in my entire sexual life- 18 years – until I started to clear my emotional traumas. It seriously used to feel completely numb. Now I feel so much more, and that’s after having babies. Then I was able to train myself to have an orgasm just from nipple stimulation. My husband really loves that.
Hi, I have a different problem, certainly my husband could use the slow down advice but our marriage seems great, he says he is happy and attracted but he only wants sex 1-2 times a month and I well have always been the at least 1 time a day type and when we first were married he seemed to be the same. I try to stay thin, fit, with pelvic floor health. He doesn’t have low t and he is 37 and I 34.getting him to look me in the eye or make gentle non sexual touches is also very hard. I try to do everything right and not complain and compliment him, but no matter what I have tried, well he just seems down right bored with it. I don’t want to be sexually immoral but lately my mind and will have been weaker. Most people say I am attractive and even dressing very modest I get attention from men. I usually have ignored it and tried to be focused on my husband, but it is really hard because thinking he doesn’t want me sex is a chore for him ruins my focus. Maybe we are under attack, I don’t know but we are going on 4 years and I told him I was going to ask my doctor for medication to lower my libido and he said I shouldn’t, but if I don’t do something I am afraid I will fall more into sexual immorality.
Stephanie, you’re not alone in being the higher-drive spouse. Indeed, more husbands than often reported don’t have as much interest in sex, perhaps 15-30% of marriages. (I think it’s about 1/4, but stats aren’t good on this.) There are a number of reasons why your husband isn’t as interested, but it is very unlikely that they have anything to do with your attractiveness or sexual pleasure. It’s more often health reasons, stress or mood issues, background baggage, porn habit (previous or current that interferes with how men view sexual pleasure), self-image, or relationship passivity. I hope you’ll stick around my blog, because I definitely talk to and with higher-drive wives and try to give y’all some answers. Saying a prayer for you. Blessings!
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