Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. Those of you outside the United States don’t celebrate this day as we Americans do, but expressing one’s gratefulness for the blessings of life is always a good idea.

Gratitude Beyond the Table

This Thursday, many families will thank God for food, family, friends, jobs, possessions, football games, and more. While you’re at it, why not thank God for your sexuality? I plan to!

Before you worry that I’m going to carve the turkey, sit down with extended relatives, and have a prayer chain that includes me proclaiming, “Thank you, Lord, for my husband’s sexy body and that amazing thing he did last night,” I was thinking about privately thanking God.

Thanking God for the Gift of Sexuality

What about you? Do you ever pause and thank our Creator for the beautiful gift of physical intimacy in marriage? I mean, besides when you might have squealed “Thank you, God!” after a particularly good orgasm.

Have you thanked Him as part of your regular prayer time? Have you expressed your gratefulness for the way He designed man and woman to become husband and wife as one flesh? (See Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7-8.) Have you told God how it amazes you that our bodies fit together in this way, that our brains are designed to connect sexuality with emotional bonding, and that this special form of intimacy is reserved for a single individual in your life?

Finding Gratitude Even in Sexual Struggles

Maybe things aren’t going well for you sexually right now. Maybe your marital intimacy isn’t everything it should be or could be. Maybe you are carrying hurts from your past or fears for your future. Maybe you don’t feel that you have much to be thankful for when it comes to your sexuality.

If so, you might begin by simply thanking God for making you a sexual being who can one day, with His help, experience the blessings God reserved for the marriage bed. It is my continual desire that you will learn how much God loves you and that everything He has designed for us is for our best.

A Prayer of Praise for Intimacy

Sex is God’s idea. It is His blessing to husbands and wives. It is His provision for making children, increasing intimacy, and providing pleasure to married couples whom He loves. Take a brief moment this week to thank Him for sex.

I will be praying for you as well—thanking God for your marriages and asking Him to work in your lives to bring about all of the blessings that He has for you.

This post was first published November 24, 2011 and has been edited and updated.

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You may have seen it in the news lately: Americans are experiencing a “sex recession.” And while married people still have more sex than unmarried ones, they’re having less than they used to.

What’s up, y’all?

The Evidence

Using data from the General Social Survey, researchers Brad Wilcox and Grant Bailey of the Institute for Family Studies noted: “Between 1996 and 2008, 59% of married adults, ages 18-64, reported having sex once a week or more. That number fell to 49% for the period of 2010 to 2024.” Here’s a fuller picture of what’s been happening:

While that severe drop from 75% before age twenty-five to 28% at my age (late fifties) is also depressing, we’ll talk about that another time. Today’s point is that the average drop of around 8% for all ages represents about five million more couples not having sex weekly.

The Theories

Why aren’t more married couples engaging in weekly, or greater, sexual intimacy? The Institute of Family Studies suggested:

Today’s electronic opiates not only depress partnering and marriage among young adults—they also weaken already established relationships. A 2023 IFS study found that married adults reported lower sexual frequency when their spouse substituted couple time for phone or computer use. Furthermore, bedtime procrastination is a rising habit. So-called bedtime procrastinators spend two hours using some form of digital media in the three hours leading up to sleep. It’s not surprising that more social media, Netflix, or gaming on the part of spouses translates to less intimacy.

I largely agree with them (e.g., see my post Get Off Your Screen & Have Sex with Your Wife), but I’d add a few issues.

Widespread Pornography. Viewing porn has two common effects: (1) the porn user seeks out more frequent and/or risky sex, or (2) the porn user comes to prefer the more immediate, self-focused experience. In both cases, the couple may experience less sex. In the first scenario, the porn-using spouse pushes for more and riskier sex, which their mate reasonably resists. In the second, the porn-using spouse rejects sex with their mate in favor of porn.

Many husbands, wives, and couples have been wooed away by pornography. If that’s your story, please reach out to resources that can make a difference, such as:

Small Groups Online (from XXX Church)
Proven Men (for him)
Be Broken (for him)
Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer
Unwanted Journey Group Intensive | Aldrich Ministries (for him)
Samson Society (for him)
SheRecovery (for her)
Beggar’s Daughter (for her)
Her Freedom Journey: A Guide Out of Porn and Shame to Authentic Intimacy by Juli Slattery & Joy Skarka

Female Empowerment. For far too long, women have received the message that they owe their husband sex—to be a good wife, to keep him from cheating, to satisfy his “needs,” etc. Thankfully, various authors and leaders have challenged this message. God’s design for sex is not that a husband feels sated and a wife feels used. When wives learn that sex itself isn’t the goal, some choose to have it less often. That’s not all bad. Wives who’ve experienced trauma or sexual pain or bullying in the bedroom are right to put their foot down.

Of course, my goal is to introduce these couples to a better way, the mutually desired and satisfying sexual intimacy God designed for us to have! But sometimes that begins with saying no to the wrong way say you can say yes to the right way.

Parenting Overload. When I was growing up (in the 70s and 80s), parents expected their children to go outside and play . . . for hours. Many times, my parents didn’t know where I was, other than in the neighborhood and on my bike. I’m not suggesting we return to those days. (Frankly, we had a little too much freedom.) But many parents have swung the other way—managing and micromanaging their children’s schedules such that there’s little time left for a husband and wife to connect.

When your schedule is filled with your children’s dance classes, sports practices, taekwondo, marching band, and scouts, where you do find the time to reconnect emotionally, much less physically?

Extended Family Disconnect. Once upon a time, families lived in clans. While some families lost that centuries ago, many still had grandparents, aunts, and uncles living close to them who shared the responsibility of childcare. But in 2022, the Pew Research Center reported that 45% of Americans lived more than an hour away from extended family.

Not having someone to keep your kids for a while can negatively impact your ability to have date nights and private “couple time.” Not to mention that doing it all yourself can wear you out, leaving little energy for nookie.

Increased Stress. Stress has ticked upward since 2012, especially since the worldwide Covid-19 pandemic. (Remember that? Of course you do!)

While having sex can relieve stress for some, stress can also prevent you from having sex since cortisol, our body’s primary stress hormone, dampens sexual interest.

That’s a lot of factors contributing to less sex! While stopping sex that mistreats one spouse is a good development, the other causes are not so positive.

The Fix

What to do? “Get thee to the bedroom!” some would say.

For some of y’all, that’s good advice. But based on 14+ years of hearing spouses’ stories, I can tell you that most of the time, we need to back up and deal with those whys. Why are you not having sex as much as couples used to have? Is it for a good reason? Are you simply in a rough season? Do you need to change something else in your life before you can increase sexual frequency? And how is the sex itself when you have it?

Truth is, most spouses want more sex to happen in their marriage. One extensive research project found that “among those who said they were less than happy with the frequency, 76 percent of their spouses were less than happy with the frequency too! Even in the most low-sex/no-sex marriages, both the husband and wife want to be having sex more often!”

Thankfully, many of us aren’t willing to settle for Tab-A-in-Slot-B sex but want the kind of sex God prescribed: mutually desired and fulfilling sexual intimacy. Once you recognize that as the goal and figure out what’s in the way, you can work together to address the obstacles and prioritize physical connection.

That could involve something as simple as taking one task off your to-do list or letting one of your child’s extracurriculars go. Or it could be more involved, such as getting help for a porn habit or addressing past sexual trauma. It could involve fostering your emotional intimacy or learning more about how to experience better sex. (I can certainly help with that last one!)

But let’s strive not to be in that sex recession statistic. Instead, let’s choose the path God paved for us—a marriage of two spouses who prioritize and enjoy sexual intimacy.

Related post: 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex – Hot, Holy & Humorous

Sources:

• Feldhahn, Shaunti, and Michael Sytsma. Secrets of sex and marriage: 8 surprises that make all the difference. Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2023.
• Hurst, Kiley. “More than Half of Americans Live within an Hour of Extended Family.” Pew Research Center, May 18, 2022. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/05/18/more-than-half-of-americans-live-within-an-hour-of-extended-family/.
•  Wilcox, Brad, and Grant Bailey. “The Sex Recession: The Share of Americans Having Regular Sex Keeps Dropping.” Institute for Family Studies, August 25, 2025. https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-sex-recession-the-share-of-americans-having-regular-sex-keeps-dropping.

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It’s beyond common. I hear it all the time. Wives saying that they got their husband to perform some task by promising sex in return. I’ve often joked that I can’t get my husband to do anything that way. He knows I can’t hold out long enough to use sex as a bartering chip.

But sex shouldn’t even be a bartering chip.

Why is bartering a bad plan for sex?

It’s a selfish version of sexual intimacy.

It’s a you-scratch-my-back (or whatever), I’ll-scratch-yours mentality. You are focused on what you can get out of the sexual experience, not what you can give your spouse or what you two can experience together.

It puts one of you in control.

If you are the one who surrenders sex when you get some nonsexual favor from your spouse, you become the person in control of your marital intimacy. You hold the keys to whether the door to sex is locked or unlocked. Your spouse must comply with your requirements before you let him/her in.

Yes, an imbalance of control can occur without bartering! (See, e.g., What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully?)  But it certainly happens when you barter for sex.

It downplays your own enjoyment.

Numerous psychological studies have studied how reward-punishment systems work for other tasks. For instance, people have long debated whether paying kids for good grades is a good or bad idea. But one conclusion regularly drawn is that when you attach payment to a task, it conveys that the task is not one a person would happily perform without payment. That is, it can make the task itself seem somehow unpleasant.

If you attach sex in your mind to being payment for some other task, you downplay your own desire and enjoyment of sexual intimacy for its own sake. Your end becomes the other task, with sex as the method for achieving that . . . rather than seeing the sexual encounter as an end to itself, an experience worth pursuing and savoring with your spouse.

It communicates that you don’t want sex.

If you only want to engage in sex when he knocks off your honey-do list, then your hubby figures that you don’t like sex with him nearly as much you like home improvement or whatever. If you only show up when she makes your favorite sandwich or watches the TV series she doesn’t really like with you, then your wife concludes you like meatball subs or Game of Thrones more than her.

But your higher desire spouse wants to know that you desire them, that you want to be intimate with them, that you are happy to be in their arms enjoying their love. Over and over, I hear from higher drive spouses who say that sex is 100 times better when they know their beloved is enjoying the experience.

So what if you have been bartering for sex in your marriage? How can you change that dynamic?

Do things for their own sake.

Don’t expect rewards from your spouse for anything from doing the dishes to remaking the garage into a hobby room. Do it because it’s a generous thing to do and demonstrates love for your spouse.

Communicate your desire.

If a spouse has been doing the tit-for-tat, he/she may not be talking honestly about where sex fits into his/her view of the relationship. Openly discuss how you want physical intimacy to be a part of your relationship regardless of how many to-dos get crossed off the list. In fact, sometimes it would be nice to throw the list aside for a bit, let the unnecessary tasks slide, and focus on the necessary joining of your flesh.

Prioritize.

Consider which expectations you can let go and how you can foster relational intimacy. Yes, you should have a fully participating partner in the home! But sometimes we put to-dos ahead of our relationship when they don’t need to be. Ask yourself what’s really important, and make sure you include sexual intimacy with your spouse on that list.

Work together.

Some things really do need to get done. If possible, work together. Make it a “we” time. Even better, make it a fun “we” time. Cook dinner together . . . and feed each other as you go. Paint the room together . . . then paint each other’s bodies. Do the dishes together . . . naked.

Of course, there are some chores that you should each handle. For instance, I learned long ago that my husband hangs the pictures. If we’d tried to hang each picture on our walls together, I would have divorced killed lost my patience because he is far more meticulous than I with those things. No worries. He does the pictures; I do other things.

Barter chores, not sex.

If you don’t work together well on a task, barter chores, not chore + sex. For the majority of my marriage, we’ve had an I cook you clean policy. You can look at that as a division of labor or a bartering arrangement (he gets a meal; I get a bye from doing dishes). But that’s a far more even trade and allows you to act within areas that suit your personality and skills.

Meanwhile, both of you should have the personality and skills to make love with each other.

What about the typical advice that husbands doing chores will get them more sex?

I mostly agree, but it’s not because it’s a bartering arrangement. Heaven forbid!

Instead, many wives have a long list of household chores, and if they are juggling child-rearing with them, and even add a part-time or full-time job (oh my!), they don’t have a lot of energy left for sex. Since one of the main reasons women say no is fatigue, then whatever a husband does to alleviate that burden makes it more likely that his wife will be up for sex.

Plus, when my husband notices something that needs doing and does it, that unselfish act on his part demonstrates love for me, makes our marriage feel like a true partnership, and fosters my admiration for him. All those gushy feelings mean that he looks even more attractive to me as a whole package deal when he comes a-courtin’ for sex later.

But don’t do a task to get sex. Do a task to show and foster your love for your spouse. Have sex to show and foster love for your spouse.

[Love] is not self-seeking.

Corinthians 13:5

This post first appeared on Hot, Holy & Humorous on July 25, 2013. It has been edited and updated.

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It’s Independence Day in the United States—the day we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. America was intent on gaining its freedom, but it didn’t earn it until 1782.

I started thinking about independence in marriage. Early in our marriage, my husband and I would debate about how dependent or how independent we should be.

Dependence

Some contend that we are one flesh, joined completely in all ways, and thus entirely dependent upon one another. Dependence advocates focus on how we complement one another, how we are like two halves of the same unit. As famously said in Jerry Maguire, “you complete me.”

Yet we all sense this can be taken too far. Like the couple who can’t seem to make the simplest move without the okay of the other. The couple who can’t spend a minute apart, as if doing so might rock the very foundations of their relationship. It can resemble that high school relationship between those two inseparable teens who had summarily dumped all of their friends in exchange for spending every waking moment with each other.

Given that our independence was earned by soldiers, I’m reminded of the number of military families today who must spend day after day apart. Are their marriages a sham? Of course not. Plenty of couples must be able to live independently yet still enjoy solid and long-lasting relationships.

So maybe “one flesh” doesn’t mean entirely dependent.

Independence

In our culture, this is more often the enticing track. One of the most quoted Shakespeare lines is “To thine own self be true.” Never mind that it was spoken by Polonius, who is given to deception and characterized as a fool in the play Hamlet. We live in the era of such maxims as “It’s My Life,” “Follow Your Heart,” and “Choose Your Own Path.”

Independence advocates would say that we need to be able to care for ourselves, to be completely fulfilled individuals without relying on marriage. Then, we can give our love to someone else and invite them into our lives.

Certainly, we don’t get married to have someone to cancel our guys’ or girls’ night out, to tell us what to do, and to insist that we report in all the time. We aren’t children who need a parent.

And there’s also some truth here. Many people meet their mate soon after they’ve given up on relationships and decided to be content on their own. (I did.) Being able to care for yourself makes you a more confident and appealing person. And you never know when you might need to take over certain duties due to your spouse’s absence, an injury, etc.

Moreover, marriage is not intended to replace all of your other relationships. There’s nothing wrong with having some time on your own or with friends outside of your marriage. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you’re constantly a package deal. Yes, you leave and cleave. But you don’t smother.

And yet, you don’t get married to spend time apart, to insist that your spouse leave you alone and let you do what you want, even if it injures the marriage. You did promise to love, cherish, and keep to this person, above all others. Marriage involves joining lives, not just sharing beds and bank accounts.

Interdependence

And here we have the happy compromise. Although I don’t really like the word “compromise,” because that makes it sound like you’re giving something up. You’re not. You can be both independent (a whole person) and dependent (one flesh with your mate) by mixing the two approaches.

The question for a couple to decide is what this interdependence looks like. Do you spend 70% of your time together, or maybe 30%? Do you check in with each other throughout the day, or wait to talk in the evenings? Do you take all vacations together, or does one spouse visit family alone? Do you make all purchasing decisions together, or buy some things separate?

And that can look different from marriage to marriage.

But what I do know is that those who insist on total dependence or total independence aren’t likely to have a great marriage. Those in the first camp (dependence) have placed too much authority and responsibility on their spouse to make their life worthwhile. It’s not fair to expect your spouse to be everything for you. Those in the second camp (independence) are too focused on their own rights and desires to give themselves fully to making the relationship work. It’s not fair to promise to merge your lives but hold back a big part of yourself.

So today, I’m thinking there should be a Marriage Interdependence Day. Celebrating the whole-person, one-flesh experience.

Now it’s even better, of course, when you’re both dependent on God.

My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Psalm 62:7

This post was first published on July 4, 2013.

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In recent years, I’ve heard a lot of discussion around emotional triggers. An emotional trigger is an event, condition, or sensory experience that evokes a negative reaction. Knowing one’s triggers can be important for treatment of and recovery from trauma, addiction or compulsive behaviors, and anxiety or depression. But the truth is, we all have triggers.

We may not use that terminology, and the oft-used synonym “stressors” might be more relatable. But think about your own marriage and when you had that unexpected blow-up, that emotional shutdown, or that pity party for one. Most readers can think of at least one. What made it happen? Was it solely what your spouse did, or were there other factors that triggered your response?

Some Common Triggers

Rehabilitation programs and 12-step meetings often use an acronym for four main stressors an addict needs to watch for: HALT. That stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. Each of those states—two physical, two emotional—can trigger a craving for the addictive substance or compulsive behavior.

Odds are the last time you felt a loss of emotional or behavioral control, those or other factors were present. There’s a reason why “hangry” is now in the dictionary, and this is a popular meme online:

We see this with our children too. Tantrums happen far more often when a child is hungry or exhausted. Trying to rationalize with a toddler—or a teenager!—who hasn’t had enough sleep can be a challenge at best.

The same thing occurs for us when it comes to marital tension or conflict. Or even being able to accept a “not tonight” answer to your sexual initiation. You may respond with kindness and compassion 95% of the time, but that other 5% of the time, it’s not just the thing between you and your spouse but whatever stressors or triggers bubbling up that caused things to spill over. You find yourself furious with your spouse, in a puddle of tears wondering why s/he doesn’t love you, or falling back into a bad habit or addictive behavior in an effort to cope.

Your Personal Triggers

HALT doesn’t cover all the potential triggers, of course. You may have different ones. Consider the last time you felt out of control and what was happening before or around that time. What was going on with you physically and emotionally? Had other things happened in the week or day that tapped out your emotional resources? Could you have made some different decisions to head off the reaction by addressing your stressors? It’s worth taking stock and identifying your own particular triggers.

Recently, I decided that I was drinking too much wine. I enjoy a glass in early evening or with a meal, but at times I found myself pouring a second glass or a third without thinking it through. I’m taking a 100+-day fast from all alcohol, but as part of my reset, I began to ask myself why. Why was I inclined to drink more than I really wanted to? And I realized that I relate to two of the HALT stressors (angry and lonely), but not the others. A personal inventory revealed that being tense and experiencing pain (I have a pinched nerve right now) also triggered the craving. Being me, I decided to make a list that was alliterative and also added one more, and now I know to be more cautious when I’m feeling:

• Achy
• Alone
• Adrift
• Angry
• Anxious

Your list might overlap mine or be completely different. But take some time to think through what stressors lead to marital conflict, individual overwhelm, or loss of control.

Impact of Triggers on Marriage

In my higher desire wife community, we often encourage one another to accept sexual rejection for what it is, rather than allowing it to color our entire view of the marriage. (Yes, rejection can mean more, but oftentimes, it’s the lower desire spouse’s own issues with sex apart from their love for their mate.) And yet, nearly every wife in that group has had one or more times she just lost it. Perhaps she lashed out at her husband. Or she fell into a pit of despair with only her tears and a pint of ice cream to keep her company. Maybe she was sorely tempted to walk away and/or find someone else “who’ll appreciate me for who I am.” Most of those times, a stressor preceded that moment.

It’s understandable. We’re human! We are complex creatures who, at any given time, are dealing with multiple sensations, stimuli, thoughts, and feelings. When several negative ones come together, it can create a perfect storm that makes our emotions spiral like a tornado. We get caught up in the whirlwind and don’t know how to get out.

Husbands have also reported this feeling, especially when it comes to the temptation of pornography. (To be clear, women also struggle with porn. This is just an example.) Such men may be going along fine for a while, but then stressors hit, and they find themselves turning to porn as a coping mechanism. Their behavior in that moment may feel like something they didn’t consciously choose, but rather fell back into—having been triggered by other stimuli.

But it doesn’t have to be that big an issue. It could be a marital spat that didn’t have to happen, except that one or both of you were overly tired. Or perhaps a conversation that broke down into a stalemate because you were already dealing with too much anxiety about other things.

Whatever it is, and whether it’s simply relational or also sexual, your marriage feels the damaging effects of emotions and behaviors triggered or amplified by other factors.

It’s Not Enough to Avoid Triggers

Knowing your personal triggers can help you:

1. Avoid or manage them better
2. Share your emotional state with your spouse
3. Choose better timing for interactions with your spouse

Avoiding or managing your triggers might mean getting more sleep, making sure you eat according to a schedule, or keeping snacks around. It might mean reaching out for more social connections to address loneliness or getting therapy to deal with anger or feelings of being adrift in life.

But sometimes, no matter how well we plan, stressors come our way. We can’t avoid them entirely. In which case, it’s good to share your emotional state with your spouse. For example, if your husband or wife wants to talk about something when you’re overly tired, let him/her know you’re just too spent for that discussion but you’re eager to have it another time. Name the time, and then follow through! But also make sure you don’t launch that conversation or even sexual initiation when you wouldn’t be able to handle a “not now” with grace. Choose a better time, when both of you are less stressed and more likely to have an effective interaction.

It doesn’t stop there, though. What can you do to release the tension and negativity caused by your triggers? You have to replace poor coping mechanisms with better options.

Regarding my wine-fast, I’m planning to use this time to practice identifying my triggers and then find positive ways to channel that energy. If I’m feeling anxious, I can go for a walk, exercise, listen to music, meditate, read a book, pray, call a friend, or get a massage. I don’t have to simply say, “I’m anxious, but I won’t drink,” and then sit there in all my anxiety fighting the craving. No, I can proactively address my stressors with alternative activities.

So can you! What can you do instead of having an outburst? Turning to porn? Tumbling back into depression? Picking a fight with your spouse? Starting the silent treatment? Drinking too much?

Be willing to get outside help! Many of our negative go-to coping mechanisms can’t be solved on your own. Many resources exist to help you successfully overcome addiction, compulsive behaviors, mood disorders, porn use, and more. Seek out Christian-based sites that can help you navigate your journey to recovery.

Heaven: Always a Good Place to Turn

Regardless of whether you could benefit from outside help or simply need to make some personal changes in your life, you can always turn to God. If you feel like you’re losing control, have that outburst or breakdown in His presence. Let the Psalms guide you on how to cry out to Him and accept His healing. You may or may not feel better immediately, but over time, you’ll definitely feel the impact of His presence.

God already knows your triggers, but He wants to be there to help you address them and discover wholeness that only He can give.

“Come close to God and He will come close to you.” James 4:8a

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