It’s beyond common. I hear it all the time. Wives saying that they got their husband to perform some task by promising sex in return. I’ve often joked that I can’t get my husband to do anything that way. He knows I can’t hold out long enough to use sex as a bartering chip.
But sex shouldn’t even be a bartering chip.
Why is bartering a bad plan for sex?
It’s a selfish version of sexual intimacy.
It’s a you-scratch-my-back (or whatever), I’ll-scratch-yours mentality. You are focused on what you can get out of the sexual experience, not what you can give your spouse or what you two can experience together.
It puts one of you in control.
If you are the one who surrenders sex when you get some nonsexual favor from your spouse, you become the person in control of your marital intimacy. You hold the keys to whether the door to sex is locked or unlocked. Your spouse must comply with your requirements before you let him/her in.
Yes, an imbalance of control can occur without bartering! (See, e.g., What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully?) But it certainly happens when you barter for sex.
It downplays your own enjoyment.
Numerous psychological studies have studied how reward-punishment systems work for other tasks. For instance, people have long debated whether paying kids for good grades is a good or bad idea. But one conclusion regularly drawn is that when you attach payment to a task, it conveys that the task is not one a person would happily perform without payment. That is, it can make the task itself seem somehow unpleasant.
If you attach sex in your mind to being payment for some other task, you downplay your own desire and enjoyment of sexual intimacy for its own sake. Your end becomes the other task, with sex as the method for achieving that . . . rather than seeing the sexual encounter as an end to itself, an experience worth pursuing and savoring with your spouse.
It communicates that you don’t want sex.
If you only want to engage in sex when he knocks off your honey-do list, then your hubby figures that you don’t like sex with him nearly as much you like home improvement or whatever. If you only show up when she makes your favorite sandwich or watches the TV series she doesn’t really like with you, then your wife concludes you like meatball subs or Game of Thrones more than her.
But your higher desire spouse wants to know that you desire them, that you want to be intimate with them, that you are happy to be in their arms enjoying their love. Over and over, I hear from higher drive spouses who say that sex is 100 times better when they know their beloved is enjoying the experience.
So what if you have been bartering for sex in your marriage? How can you change that dynamic?
Do things for their own sake.
Don’t expect rewards from your spouse for anything from doing the dishes to remaking the garage into a hobby room. Do it because it’s a generous thing to do and demonstrates love for your spouse.
Communicate your desire.
If a spouse has been doing the tit-for-tat, he/she may not be talking honestly about where sex fits into his/her view of the relationship. Openly discuss how you want physical intimacy to be a part of your relationship regardless of how many to-dos get crossed off the list. In fact, sometimes it would be nice to throw the list aside for a bit, let the unnecessary tasks slide, and focus on the necessary joining of your flesh.
Prioritize.
Consider which expectations you can let go and how you can foster relational intimacy. Yes, you should have a fully participating partner in the home! But sometimes we put to-dos ahead of our relationship when they don’t need to be. Ask yourself what’s really important, and make sure you include sexual intimacy with your spouse on that list.
Work together.
Some things really do need to get done. If possible, work together. Make it a “we” time. Even better, make it a fun “we” time. Cook dinner together . . . and feed each other as you go. Paint the room together . . . then paint each other’s bodies. Do the dishes together . . . naked.
Of course, there are some chores that you should each handle. For instance, I learned long ago that my husband hangs the pictures. If we’d tried to hang each picture on our walls together, I would have divorced killed lost my patience because he is far more meticulous than I with those things. No worries. He does the pictures; I do other things.
Barter chores, not sex.
If you don’t work together well on a task, barter chores, not chore + sex. For the majority of my marriage, we’ve had an I cook you clean policy. You can look at that as a division of labor or a bartering arrangement (he gets a meal; I get a bye from doing dishes). But that’s a far more even trade and allows you to act within areas that suit your personality and skills.
Meanwhile, both of you should have the personality and skills to make love with each other.
What about the typical advice that husbands doing chores will get them more sex?
I mostly agree, but it’s not because it’s a bartering arrangement. Heaven forbid!
Instead, many wives have a long list of household chores, and if they are juggling child-rearing with them, and even add a part-time or full-time job (oh my!), they don’t have a lot of energy left for sex. Since one of the main reasons women say no is fatigue, then whatever a husband does to alleviate that burden makes it more likely that his wife will be up for sex.
Plus, when my husband notices something that needs doing and does it, that unselfish act on his part demonstrates love for me, makes our marriage feel like a true partnership, and fosters my admiration for him. All those gushy feelings mean that he looks even more attractive to me as a whole package deal when he comes a-courtin’ for sex later.
But don’t do a task to get sex. Do a task to show and foster your love for your spouse. Have sex to show and foster love for your spouse.
[Love] is not self-seeking.
Corinthians 13:5
This post first appeared on Hot, Holy & Humorous on July 25, 2013. It has been edited and updated.
I read this statement recently… after extensive research Gottman concluded that “where men contribute to housework and childcare, their partners see them as sexy, and indeed they have more sex than couples in which the men are chore-free.” I would like your thoughts about this research finding.
I think it’s entirely accurate. But it’s not because they’re bartering housework and childcare for sex. It’s that these wives feel the support of their husbands, they witness their guys accomplishing things, they see the tender relationships they have with their children, and they have more time and energy to devote to sexual thoughts and actions. Chris Taylor and I talked about this on an episode of Knowing Her Sexually: https://khsministry.com/2020/06/04/episode-6-does-choreplay-work/ (Patreon-protected on our site, but you might be able to find the episode elsewhere). Also see, Why Being a Good Father Turns Your Wife On
yep, but even standing behind the spouse kissing her neck or behind her shoulder area while she is doing the dishes, is a form of “choreplay” I explain that I’m “helping” her. Except she seems to freeze up and rests the palm of her hands on the edge of the sink, then says “this isn’t helping.
I grew up the eldest of 5, with both parents working. I cleaned, dusted, vacuumed, ironed shirts, did the laundry and the dishes growing up. In fact I concentrated more on keeping a spotless clean house than I did doing my homework and I know my spouse appreciates that we mutually keep a clean house. Our friends and family sometimes shake their heads as we even keep the bottom of waste basket in the kitchen clean.
It’s just another form of emotional connection whenever we do something together, even doing the dishes.
While I appreciate your willingness and commitment to clean, it is neither choreplay nor emotional connecting for you to kiss and touch your wife when she’s trying to get a task done. If you want to actually partner with her, pick up a towel and dry or help her load the dishwasher. Again, trade chores, not chore for sexual contact (including, in this case, you getting to touch her body when she isn’t ready for it).
Of course your article is right in theory that sex should never be a bargaining chip. But the reality is that it most certainly is in most marriages. Most husbands have heard at least 20 different tasks from their wives that increase the reward of sex. Most husbands have never heard one reason from their wife why they should be having sex, only what they could do to increase the odds. The high drive spouse is almost certainly the husband. I know research shows that its 60/40 split blahblahblah. Research works on honor system. If you polled husbands about housework most would say they did 40-60%. We know that is BS. Same with high drive spouse stats. If you have two spouses that Love each other, then why don’t they figure the sex stuff out on their own? I can tell you why…..one half of the marriage does not care enough about the other to work together and make it happen. Same goes for poor husbands. If they care enough then they will work to become a better husband. We live in a world where its always someone else fault.
What a convenient explanation: It’s the fault of women. Oh, and denying the research, the hundreds of stories I’ve heard through the years, and the experience of many marriage and sex therapists I know (who say, yes, there is a substantial percentage of higher desire wives) doesn’t change reality. Clearly, the scenario you’ve dealt with—and perhaps heard about from others—involves a willing husband and a reluctant wife. But if your response to that is to frame the problem as us vs them or him vs her, then I don’t know how you make progress from here. A wife will likely pick up on that resentment and become even less willing to work on the sexual piece of a marriage.
I’m not giving a refusing wife a get-out-free card here. For instance, you can what I’ve said on that subject here, here, and here. But what a resistant spouse needs is not pressure or condemnation but invitation and compassion. Why? Because that’s what both of you need. It’s what agape love looks like.