7 Reasons You Don't Want Sex - Hot, Holy & Humorous

Why don’t you want sex? Or why doesn’t your spouse want sex?

Many marriages struggle with that question, and the short answer is that there are good reasons why someone might not desire sex in their marriage. While your experience is individual, here are seven common reasons why a spouse doesn’t want sex.

1. You Don’t Understand Your Sexuality

You’re rarely “in the mood,” so you believe that you don’t really want sex. When in fact, your sexual interest tends to kick in after a decision to engage and/or arousal begins.

The sex cycle most experts worked with for decades stated that sexual desire preceded engagement and arousal. Thankfully, some began to question this model, noting that women in particular were more likely to respond to sexual activity rather than to seek it out. Now, we know that wives, and husbands, may be more reactive than proactive in their sexuality.

So you may rarely be in the mood, but with intention and stimulation, you can get in the mood.

You may rarely be in the mood, but with intention and stimulation, you can get in the mood. via @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet

2. You’ve Been Hurt by Sex

Sexual abuse, assault, harassment, or pain are part of your history. You’re a survivor, but you carry the wounds of your experience. Your natural instinct is to protect yourself from getting hurt again, by avoiding, dissociating from, or downplaying sex.

Simple calls to forget the past and have sex now can feel dismissive or even cruel.

That’s not what I’m saying here. It’s entirely understandable why you don’t want to engage in sex, given how it’s been used to hurt you.

Yet God wants something better for you, and that means taking that first step toward healing. For your own sake. Be honest with your spouse about what happened and then seek the help you need to recover. For many, trauma counseling is key. Moving from pain to passion may be an extra tough challenge, but you’re extra tough, survivor—and worth the effort.

3. Your Body Isn’t Responsive

To feel sexual pleasure and engage in lovemaking, your body should capable of:

Sensitivity (not too much, not too little)
Blood flow to genitals
Swelling (penis or vulva)
Lubrication (vagina)
Elasticity (vagina)
Orgasm

If some part of your physiology doesn’t react properly, you can be unable, unwilling, or unexcited to make love.

A number of issues can get in the way of our bodies responding as they should, from chronic disease to sexual dysfunction to stress and fatigue. Knowing why your body isn’t responding is the key to figuring out what to do about it.

What you have to believe, however, is that sex is important, that it’s supposed to feel good, and that there are answers out there. Those who shrug off their physiological challenges may feel temporary relief for not having to engage, but they miss the long-term benefits of intimate lovemaking in their marriage. Choose to believe that something better is available and seek answers.

4. You Don’t Feel Good About Yourself

Sex is a vulnerable act, but you don’t feel good enough about yourself right now to be that vulnerable, even with your spouse. Perhaps you don’t like parts of your body, or you feel old or overweight, or you think he’s comparing you to others. You struggle with how you look or who you are right now, and those feelings don’t make you want to lay bare your body and your heart in the bedroom.

Again, the why of your current self-image matters. Are you just too hard on yourself and need to embrace more realistic standards? Did you internalize criticism from others that you need to replace with God’s truth about who you are? Have you not prioritized or practiced self-care and kindness? Has your spouse had a wandering eye, engaged in a porn habit, or made harsh comments about your appearance?

Obviously, that last example calls for more than simply improving your self-image! But whether or not your feelings are combined with other issues, take steps to embrace the beautiful person you are at this moment. Not what you will be once you “get it all together,” but the God-created handiwork you are right now.

Remember that we are told to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31). It’s not only okay but good to love who you are.

5. Your Pleasure Isn’t Prioritized

Lovemaking in your marriage doesn’t happen in a way that evokes feelings of excitement and satisfaction. Maybe it’s because you have too long believed the myth that sex is for him, so you’ve downplayed your own experience. Maybe you’re shy about asking for what you want. Maybe your spouse doesn’t prioritize romance or foreplay that would heighten your pleasure. Maybe it takes a long time for you to reach orgasm, and that effort doesn’t seem worth it to him, or you, or both.

Regardless, sex feels one-sided. Your spouse has a great time. You? Not so much.

Two primary aspects of God’s design for sexual intimacy in marriage are delight and mutuality. It’s supposed to feel good…for both of you. If that’s not happening in your marriage, it’s time to speak up and discuss how to make sex better for you.

Two primary aspects of God's design for sexual intimacy in marriage are delight and mutuality. It's supposed to feel good…for both of you. via @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet

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6. Your Marriage Is Troubled

Your relationship is tense, strained, or turbulent. Given your conflict, it’s difficult to be intimate with or sometimes even attracted to your spouse.

What does your marriage need? I don’t know your specifics. My own marriage struggled until I got individual therapy, began living out Christian principles in my relationship, and discovered some good marriage resources for me and my husband. Other relationships improve with one spouse finally tackling an addiction, or the other getting on antidepressants, or both pursuing couples’ counseling.

As much as I’d like to write a post that reads “This One Step Will Save Your Marriage!” I’m not so naive to think that I’m better than the God who took 66 books and thousands of years to lay out His plan.

That said, the core of God’s plan is simply love as an action. If you want to love your spouse, and yourself, take action to improve your marriage. Do something about your situation this week. And then the next week, and the next, and so on. Until one day, hopefully, like me, you find yourself in a happy marriage with a good sex life.

7. Your Theology of Sex Is Incomplete

Some part of you still believes sex doesn’t matter all that much. Or it shouldn’t matter that much. Sex is primarily physical or at least not spiritual. It’s certainly less important than priorities like serving in church, raising your children, working your job, running your household, and nurturing your friendship.

Look, I’ll just say it: I don’t believe sex is a personal need. No one needs to have sex the way they need to breathe or eat or sleep. But is a relational need, and more importantly, it is God’s design and desire for a healthy, holy marriage. He even went so far as to say that the close, intimate relationship of a husband and wife—including physical intimacy—is a representation of the relationship He longs to have with us (Ephesians 5:31-32).

Properly perceived and experienced, sexual intimacy with your spouse—not merely sex, but the intimacy that can be had—is a foretaste of Heaven. We should not worship sex itself, but we also shouldn’t deny its powerful impact on our marriage and our understanding of the generous Father who created it.

We should not worship sex itself, but we also shouldn't deny its powerful impact on our marriage and our understanding of the generous Father who created it. via@hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet

Sex in marriage was God’s idea, and He stands ready to bless it.

Where are you struggling with sexual desire? Do any of these seven aspects speak to you? What steps will you take to address them?

And if you’re reading this post because your spouse forwarded it to you, they likely did so because they want genuine intimacy with you. If you’re in an abusive or destructive marriage, that’s another thing altogether. But most spouses really did marry out of love and a genuine desire to connect for a lifetime, including physical intimacy. What will you do with that knowledge?

Nancy

July 23, 2020 at 8:32 am

My husband has a physiological issue which brings him to not caring whether we do or not. It’s been throughout my whole marriage with me having an extremely high drive. Right now I feel defeated and feel like I have wasted all of my years. We have been together for 24 years and I’m getting old. I have prayed daily and have just recently changed all my prayers to “help me find contentment” I have never cheated on him because I made a commitment. God definitely had a sense of humor when he put us together. Ok, it’s obvious I am still upset that last night didn’t go well. Sorry for ranting. Take care everyone and stay safe. God bless.

Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

July 23, 2020 at 8:37 am

No, I don’t want sex, my dear,
especially not now,
for Death has come so very near,
and there are yet fields to plow.
There is a book that I must write
for those on cancer’s road,
to give them courage in this fight,
and maybe ease their load,
for what I’ve learned should not be lost,
although my strength now fails,
and I must pay the bitter cost,
that sadly now entails
a turning from the marriage bed;
and, like yours, my eyes are red.

Anon

July 23, 2020 at 8:44 am

I struggle with this so much right now. After 8 years together my desire for my wife has faded. Emotionally too things aren’t good. Makes you question a lot of things like : “Was it a mistake to get married? And if it was, do I stay? Maybe she needs to find someone who desire her as she deserves?” It’s really tough when you want to feel the desire and everything you should feel and you don’t.

J
July 23, 2020 at 12:29 pm

I’m sad that you’re in that place right now. If it’s any consolation, those questions you mention sound familiar from the time when my marriage was not good. It’s my personal belief that once married, unless there’s abuse, adultery, abandonment, or unrepentant addiction, one should give it everything they’ve got before walking away. I know how hard that is, though, when you just want the pain to stop.

Praying that you find some answers and feel God’s comfort in the meantime.

Jeff

July 24, 2020 at 12:49 pm

Marriage can be a struggle we get married and its exciting and new. Today’s world is making it tougher to be married. My wife and I work totally different schedules I work days she works night and after a long nights work coming home to sex is the last thing on her mind. We do manage two nights a week most of the time but after a while it get to become the dreaded R word routine. Sex within marriage is tough. It cant be one sided keep it new and refreshing try new things and be willing to explore and remember it’s not a one way street and communicate

Elena

July 29, 2020 at 7:32 am

Great blog! Love is necessary but it’s not the only thing required for a successful marriage. I think sex is one of the most essential factors in a healthy marriage. I have seen couples who are not satisfied with their partner because of a health issue that affects their marriage life.

J
July 29, 2020 at 1:45 pm

Thank you!

Anonymous Spouse

August 1, 2020 at 2:23 pm

You could probably add poor/inadequate body hygiene as a 8th factor to why we don’t have sex. Improper wiping after number two and getting accidental bm transfers is a major turn off. Talking about it often is taboo. So we remain stuck in silence not wanting sex to maintain cleanliness and prevent spouse from being embarrassed.

J
August 1, 2020 at 3:15 pm

True! Hygiene and grooming are so important. In addition, women tend to have a better sense of smell than men, so odor can be a factor for her. (See Why She Needs Him to Shower.)

Rick Bailey

August 1, 2020 at 4:46 pm

I fear several of these reasons are responsible for why my bride has locked me from the marriage bed. She’s perfectly content to be just friends now after 38 years of marriage. She won’t speak about it and avoids me when I raise the subject. After 13 years of a forced upon celibacy, I find I am nearly at my minds end. I am seeking counseling for my own sanity but I don’t believe intimacy is possible anymore.

J
August 1, 2020 at 6:10 pm

I got choked up just reading that comment. I’m so sorry. Praying for you and a breakthrough!

John

August 5, 2020 at 9:56 am

You are right that there are many, many reasons why a partner does not want sex. However, whatever the reason, a refuser is sinning. It has become fashionable to excuse this sin, and after over 50 years in listening to sermons, I have never heard a sermon saying that refusing sex to a spouse is sin. Perhaps it has been said, but I have never heard it.

J
August 5, 2020 at 10:22 am

Well, here you go: Is Refusing Sex in Marriage a Sin?.

And I would make the distinction between someone refuses from time to time or for reasons such as prior sexual abuse they need to work through and a long pattern of selfish withholding. Jesus seemed to have great compassion for those who had struggled in sin if it came from a place of hurt rather than arrogance (e.g., Samaritan woman at the well vs Pharisees).

Also, just on a practical level, I’ve learned that simply telling people they’re sinning by withholding sex from their spouse can guilt them into duty sex, but that’s not the sexual intimacy God desires for marriage, or that most rejected spouses want. So I, and others, try to talk to the underlying reasons for rejection, help them remove the obstacles, and understand God’s far better plan—thus moving from sin to blessing.

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February 26, 2021 at 1:42 am

I think the one you don’t mention here (and the one which affects me!) is guilt after sexual sin before marriage. My husband and I didn’t have sex before marriage and I think our marriage works because the guilt I carry with me from previous relationships isn’t there for ours. We have been married 25 years and have such a good relationship except in the bedroom. I know that I’m forgiven and pure but somehow the effects of that guilt get in the way sometimes. Not all the time. It can be really good and when it’s good, it’s good, if you know what I mean but it’s not as it should be. We both want passion and desire in our marriage but I just lack it. (Lots of kids, busy jobs and exhaustion doesn’t help but it’s deeper than that!)

Any tips or advice? I read “Who stole my marriage?” Which helped a bit but I pray and pray for change and it just doesn’t happen.