Last week, I addressed Getting Comfortable Being Naked with Your Husband — particularly our attitude and approach. I promised specific tips this week on how to get over your trepidation and share your body more freely with your husband.
How can you grow more comfortable and confident baring it all for your hubby? (Because yeah, he wants you to. He told me so.)
Focus on what you like about your body. We all have especially good features and less appealing “flaws.” (Although “flaws” isn’t the right word.) We ladies tend to focus on what we believe is wrong with our bodies. Perhaps we think it keeps us humble or something, but it’s not boasting to recognize your best features and revel in how God made you. You are wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
So take stock, girlfriend! Check. You. Out. Stand in front of the mirror, consider past compliments, and/or think about your own perspective, but figure out what you like about your fabulous body. Be specific. For instance, my list would include the texture of my hair, the dimple that appears on one cheek when I smile super-big, the color of my eyes, and my navel (hey, we all have a preference for outty or inny, and I happen to like what I got).
Then look for ways to display those features to your husband and rehearse the list in your head when you disrobe. You’ll feel better knowing what unique and beautiful traits you have to offer for your husband’s viewing.
Stop comparing. Stop comparing your body to someone else’s or to the body you had once upon a time (or could have if Spanx would make a beneath-the-flesh product). This is tough because advertisers are on a near-rampage to have you feel “less than” so you’ll buy their product to feel “as good as.” Want to look as good as [insert hot celebrity’s name]? Buy our [diet pill, home gym, clothing, plastic surgery, etc.]! Don’t get sucked into comparison games.
And don’t wait for perfection to bare your body. Your husband’s likely not comparing you to anyone else. I hear from hubbies all the time who essentially say about their wives, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Songs 4:7). Are their wives objectively perfect? I doubt it. But they believe it.
So stop holding yourself to an impossible standard. The standard is who you are, the best you can be today, and your husband’s affirmation.
But the even better, higher, truer standard is God Himself — how He sees you. God doesn’t lie, and He thinks you’re amazing. Beautiful. Stunning.
Take care of your body. Now I’m going to be frank with my girlfriends here. We know why some of us wives aren’t confident baring it all: Because we’ve let our bodies go. We used to eat better, exercise more, dress nicer, style our hair, get out of pajamas at least once during the day. Whether you’ve acted clueless about your transformation from beauty to beast (no, it’s not that bad), or you beat yourself up so much you’re craving another pint of Ben & Jerry’s to feel better, you know who you are.
I don’t want to add another straw of shame to the camel’s back. By no means! I’m on your side!!! I’m a writer, for heaven’s sake, so it’s ever-so-tempting to have my wardrobe be all yoga pants and oversized tees. My hair adores quick-and-dirty ponytails. I haven’t been to my exercise class in . . . no idea. And believe me, something happens after age 40, and suddenly lettuce leafs seem to add as much to my waistline as a dish of chocolate mousse. Yes, it’s an ongoing challenge.
But when we attend to our health and grooming, we look and feel better. You know you do! Moreover, the Bible encourages good health with warnings against gluttony (calls it sin), says our bodies are a temple for the Holy Spirit, and gives the example of the well-clothed and hard-working wife in Proverbs 31. So let’s take care of ourselves! Now don’t sweat the number on the scale or go in search of some unrealistic, useless beauty ideal (see point above); simply get healthy and be the best you! Then you’ll feel better about the body you have to bare for your husband.
Prepare for the unveiling. So you’re still nervous about getting naked. Totally understandable. With the exception of that junior high communal dressing room for physical education [insert bad memories here], you don’t generally get naked in front of other people. Your nude body is none of their business. Except it’s your husband’s business — it belongs to him too (1 Corinthians 7:4).
So how can you calm your nerves and put your best foot (body) forward? Prepare: Take a bubble bath. Set the scene with favorite lighting, like candlelight or a low lamp. Choose lingerie that highlights your assets. Turn on calming or intimate music. Take Lamaze-type breaths. Use meditation techniques. Go to your “happy place.”
This isn’t the time to Go Big or Go Home — more like Go Slow. Take your time, take deep breaths, take it easy. You. Can. Do. This. Like anything else you’re afraid of, it gets easier the second time and the third time and the fourth time… Recognize it will get better — but only if you take that first step.
Consider his reaction. Most hubbies look like a kid in a candy store when their wife bares it all. Or like they’ve opened the best Christmas present ever: “For me? It’s exactly what I wanted!” We wives can get so caught up in thinking about how we look or staring at our “problem areas,” we don’t attend to hubby’s reaction. Which could be the reassurance we need.
If you can’t tell what he likes by facial expressions, speak up and ask! Many guys don’t think to enumerate what they find so appealing. Look, I’m married to a guy who seems to think words are on a rationing list somewhere. So if I need to hear something specific, I’ve learned to ask. Once I throw out the question — like “What are your favorite parts of my body and why?” — he’ll answer with a list resembling the husband in Song of Songs.
And then believe your husband. If he says your breasts are “like clusters of fruit” (Compliment. Really. Song of Songs 7:7) — accept it! Tell yourself again and again and again it’s true: He really thinks you’re sexy.
Now what’s your advice? How have you become comfortable with your body and baring it all for your hubby?
23 thoughts on “Tips for Confidently Baring It All for Your Hubby”
Great post. I cannot imagine a husband not wanting to see more of his wife naked.
As a follow-on to baring it all, my wife (passed away in 1994) once told the pastor, “If you want to have a great marriage, sleep naked.” Pajamas were there for use only in case of a fire!
Married to her, I used to stop in the middle of the day at work and think, “I’m the luckiest man on the planet!”
Thanks for sharing. My sympathy for your loss. I’m glad you had a good marriage!
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I do find it difficult to keep comparisons at bay. I aim to be generous with my body toward my husband, but realize that I shy away from full-on nudity…would he seriously like this more? We do enjoy showering together and so he obviously SEES all of me then. I guess it just feels odd to show up naked and expectant – too forced?
I liked the recommendation to undress each other, I find that quite alluring! Once after a mid-day shower, I dashed from the bathroom to our bed where my Mr. was resting and he did seem to like that!
I think I could try more, I would be thrilled to think my hubby believed himself the luckiest man in the world as shared by Ol’ Will.
At this comment, I almost want to poll a bunch of husbands and ask, “What do you think, guys? Should your wife show up ‘naked and expectant’?” I’m pretty sure that notion would go over big. Just sayin. 😉
The undressing-each-other idea is a great one. Thanks for sharing!
Got my vote!!!! Just say’n. 😉
I’ll gladly provide an opinion for your “poll question”!!
As with 99.9999% of the advice and opinions you so graciously share with all of us, you are absolutely, unequivocally, dead on!
I feel confident that I can speak for any Godly man, and even the majority of not-so-Godly works in progress, when I say:
WE DO NOT EVER, I REPEAT EVER! see you (our wives) naked and have one millisecond of thought that isn’t some variation of “Thank you God! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!!!!!!”
We DO in fact know that we are not 18 and Brad Pitt any more, and yet the biggest problem we face is the ability to tear off whatever we’re wearing quickly enough when that “green light” is flashed at us!
It has taken forever and a day to convince my wife that this is the honest to goodness truth, but it’s been worth the wait! There is no woman on earth that is as beautiful as the one that believed in us enough to share life with us. And we DO THINK LIKE THAT!
The culture of today needs desperately for you to doubt that, so they paint us as sex-starved maniacs, and you ladies as “could be’s”…
Fact is, we (husbands) are “you” starved, and you ladies are our “ideal dream girls”!
We do compare sometimes, but we’re not comparing what you think! Not even close! We’re comparing what (insert name of whoever’s being sold as ‘the epitome of sexy’ here) does NOT have, that makes YOU irresistible!!!!
At some point, your going to have to accept that we also chose to share life with you, and to us, that’s equivalent of “that’s my final answer Regis.”
At that point, you became “the woman” that we knew was all we’d ever need, or want. You ladies have to understand that yes, men are visual creatures, but YOU are the focus of that vision, and object of greatest desire in the eyes of the man staring at you with that goofy, “oh yeah baby… Come to Poppa!” look on his face!
Rest assured, at the moment you let that nightgown slide off of your shoulder and land at your feet, we don’t care if the house is burning down, much less start a “pros/cons” debate as to the state of your beautiful bodies!
Give yourselves a break! Give us yourselves! Give God the glory!,,,
That is all!
I just found your blog from Love and Spice. Sadly, she has stopped posting and I am praying for her and that she returns to blogging. In the meantime, I am finding LOTS of useful information here on your blog. I am a “spicy wife”, as Annabel so lovingly called it, and have had to learn to overcome so much rejection and hurt and pain. Please keep the information coming. These are the things I could NEVER discuss with my Mom and my bff’s all have husbands who persue them DAILY while mine doesn’t . There is a fine line between being too vague and too “race-y”. You seem to balance respectful yet informative information on the subject of married sex!! Thank you!! BLOG ON!!
Thanks! So glad you’re here. Blessings!
I read your two posts on this topic. They are on target. I have one addition: Just as I want my wife to be involved in and enjoy sex, I want her to enjoy showing herself to me. I don’t want duty sex, and I don’t want duty exposure. She has so much to offer and, knowing that I enjoy it,she should enjoy showing me her goods. Please don’t do it out of duty. Thank you for your great posts.
There is such a thing as obligation, to be sure. But, it is very well known, obligation kills desire.
Dear Christian friends, replace your obligation with generosity.
Well put, S & Steve. Thanks for that perspective!
We have been married 13 years now. From the start we took baths together, not always leading to intimacy. Great way to get comfortable with each other.
Yes, that is! I really need to write a whole post on showering/bathing together. (You’re inspiring me!)
I think My body is great. My husband does not find me sexually attractive. Not that he finds something wrong with me, he just doesnt feel what he thinks Should be a normal feeling towards me as his wife. He knows he can have those feelings for other women. We are 5 years married now. No lights on sex here, no showers together. Hb concluded he married the wrong person. How can this happen?
He did not marry the wrong person. I think we get stuck on these notions of soul mates, rather than dealing with our sole mate. The Bible is clear that, however you ended up together, you can have an excellent, intimate marriage when you live out His design for that covenant relationship.
So that said, I suspect your marriage needs help. If he’s concluding you’re the wrong person and he feels no sexual attraction, that likely calls for a trip to the counselor. And maybe the physician, if your hubby is struggling with sex drive. Find a counselor or mentor and seek wisdom.
My heart goes out to you, Maria!
My husband is recovering – I hope – from a life-long pornography addiction, which he hid from me until he was caught just over a year ago. As I blundered about trying to do the impossible and please him for so many years, I had no idea what I was up against. That emotional scars and relationship damage have occurred is an understatement. I am devastated.
So here’s the deal: sometimes he finds me attractive, and sometimes he is repulsed by me. From what I can tell/the Lord reveals to me, this has much less to do with the way I look, and much more to do with his distorted points of expectation and his feelings of shame and self-loathing. Nonetheless, this hasn’t helped me much with my self-confidence or feelings of desirability.
Your advice is sound and beautiful, and I understand that what you are writing here is true and valid for “normal” men and marriages. But, as will all things, there are exceptions. Perhaps a supplement for women who are in “non-normal” situations (and aren’t getting the help that I am) is in order?
I think that’s a good idea. Because porn can turn all kinds of regular advice on its head. It just twists with our perceptions of sexuality, and porn users typically need to retrain their minds and bodies to respond appropriately to the right stimuli. If he hasn’t yet, your husband might want to seek outside help to get through. In the meantime, your role is support, understanding, patience, and love.
I’m sure you’re hurt by what he did and how it continues to affect your marriage, but hang in there. May God bless you both!
This has been a wonderful series, J. I really appreciate it. It has brought to the front of my mind something that’s been rolling around in the back of it for a while – the idea that a lot of women start to lose a sense of controlling their bodies around the time they get pregnant for the first time. Of course, no one can totally control what happens to his or her body over time, but I think the sense of control really gets away from women at a fairly young age and their body image starts to plummet. I’m going to try to write about this, although am not sure I can articulate it well enough. I think something you alluded to – taking care of your body through exercise, healthy diet, etc. – is key to regaining that sense of control.
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Thank you so much for your helpful information. I’m so glad we have a place to come to for biblical advice on marriage and sex. Hubby and I have been married 26 years this year and have really only enjoyed each other for a few years. Since the beginning I’ve been very self conscious about my body. Always have had an up and down weight problem. All these years he has complimented me no matter what but I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. Anyways I now have a problem somewhat like the comment above regarding porn use. My hubby didn’t spend time on porn but with an escort. So there are times when I compare my body to hers. Now we’ve been healing a while now, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling pain sometimes. And the comparison doesn’t start from anything my husband does or says. He has been nothing but supportive and knows these are the consequences of his sin. I have fully given myself to him which I hadn’t before. I have to look at myself constantly and tell myself that he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful and wants only me!
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