A husband wrote me about premature ejaculation, and as I began to answer his email, I realized I hadn’t written about this before and should! He began by saying that he and his wife have a great sex life, but…

I am an extremely fast finisher. I tend to finish well within one minute of penetration. I am usually ready for a second round within another few minutes, however those only ever last a couple of minutes maximum as well. This is something my dear wife and I have talked about before and she has always reassured me that this is of no bother to her, and I have always made it a point to be sure that she is “satisfied” by the end of any sexual encounter. She has mentioned to me before a desire to orgasm via penetration (she thinks this may be possible for her) however I am never able to last long enough to even think about making this happen for her. Is there anything I can do to overcome this and try to provide that experience for her?

J Answers

First up, I want to high-five this husband on his attentiveness as a lover, which his wife clearly appreciates. I was reminded yet again, as I attended and spoke at an event this weekend hosted by the Intimate Covenant podcast, that the primary purpose of sexual intimacy is connection (See What Are the Real Purposes of Sex?). Pleasure certainly serves that higher purpose, but even if sex isn’t everything that we want it to be physically, it can still be amazing emotionally, relationally, and even spiritually.

While working on this or any other issue, be sure to treasure the intimacy of sex as you’ve experienced it with your beloved.

Now on to the question…

What you describe is known, of course, as premature ejaculation (PE). Many experts simply say that PE is finishing sooner than desired, but WebMD gets more specific in saying that PE is when “you have an orgasm before intercourse or less than a minute after you start.” They also add that 30-40% of men experience it as some point, so it’s a common issue. If it’s occasional, then it can be overlooked.

But you want to address the ongoing fast finishes you’re having. And there are ways to do that, from techniques to medications/creams to other aids.

First introduced by sex researchers Masters & Johnson, this common technique is prescribed to men experiencing premature ejaculation.

When you feel ready to ejaculate, stop and squeeze the frenulum of your penis, where the head meets the shaft (see diagram below), with your thumb and forefinger … or ask your wife to do it. Hold that squeeze for several seconds until you no longer need to climax then resume thrusting. Repeat as needed.

Over time, you may be able to delay ejaculation without that squeeze.

Another option is at that ready-to-come moment, simply stop all sexual activity. Freeze in place, so to speak, until that eagerness to climax subsides. Then begin activity again. Do this as often as wanted until you’re ready to finish.

Often referred to as “edging,” some suggest practicing this technique with solo masturbation first. I don’t think that’s necessary; rather, you and your wife can work together to practice this until you feel more confident that you can last longer.

Kegels are simply exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor. Doctors often recommend Kegels to women, but they’re good for men as well. In addition to helping a man gain more control over ejaculation, this practice can increase bladder control, which—sorry to tell you—otherwise decreases with aging.

First, find the pelvic floor muscles by stopping urination halfway through or imagining that you’re trying to stop passing gas. The muscles you tense for either of those should be the right ones. Now lie on your back, tighten those muscles slowly through the count to 5, then release slowly for that same 5 count, and repeat 10 times each day.

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

The post Q&A with J: “I’m a Fast Finisher” – Premature Ejaculation appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

This is a really difficult question, but do you have any advice for talking to your parents about sexual intimacy in their relationship? I have no idea what it’s like or has been like, but I believe they could have more fun in their golden years. Maybe I’m looking for how to start the conversation? Or would it just be better to buy a book and ask them to read it? Thank you!

Someone reading this is already saying to themselves: “Why is it any of her business what her parents do in the bedroom?” Look, I believe the reader’s question comes from a good place of concern and kindness. But I hear you, and I will address the privacy aspect!

First, here are some ideas for addressing the health of a parents’ marriage and their intimacy going forward.

Ask Questions and Listen

Almost every conversation in which I have a goal goes better when I simply ask questions, listen, and learn. This has become a go-to for me with my husband and my (now grown) sons. When others feel heard, they are more likely to trust what you have to say.

To be clear, they won’t feel heard if you’re only asking and listening as a technique to get to the part where you tell them what you want them to know! You have to genuine want to hear their heart.

How they respond and what you learn should inform your approach going forward. You may discover you don’t need to say anything more. You may re-think your original message. You may suggest external help, because their issues call for professional intervention.

Regardless, the principle of “seek first to understand, then to be understood” (from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) is a solid one. It’s the attitude you see in Scripture:

• “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13).
• “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:13).
• “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered” (Proverbs 17:27).

Share Your Own Story

There’s power in testimony. Whether it’s a product you love or a vacation you recommend or a slice of parenting knowledge you gained “the hard way,” word of mouth spreads wisdom. Many couples have helped other couples by a spouse simply saying, “Our intimacy wasn’t that great until ______” and then explaining what they did to improve it.

When telling your story, remember it’s not about telling others what to do, but rather sharing what helped you and letting them learn from it. What worked for you may not work for them anyway, because our backgrounds are different and our problems are specific to our selves and marriages. But if nothing else, you can at least communicate that sex is important in marriage and resources are available to help others discover God’s design for intimacy.

Quick note: Leave out the specifics! No one wants to hear the play-by-play of your sexual encounters. That goes double for your parents! (Good gravy, I’m a sex author and I’d never want to hear that from my kids. ~shudder~)

Acknowledge Your Mutual Experience

Outside of your own testimony, you can also talk about what you each learned growing up and what you’ve learned since. It’s testimony-adjacent, but not quite.

I did this with my own parents. That is, I let them know I appreciated what little they did teach me about sex and acknowledged they didn’t have good information or resources themselves. I let them know it was okay that they did the best they could, even if their messages (or lack thereof) led to some problems. Many of our parents were failed by the system too.

To my mind, this goes along perfectly with the biblical command to “honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12). But I’ve also seen it with elderly women I’ve spoken with personally. Plenty of them know their generation didn’t get it right, and it’s a kindness to tell them it’s okay and there’s still time to get it right. Indeed, some of my best encouragement has come from women over 70 saying things like “it’s so important to marriage, and no one talked about it in my day.”

Request Your Parents’ Advice

I asked on my Facebook page for ideas about this reader question, and I really liked what one woman in particular suggested:

Create a safe space for you and your mom to have a conversation. Just ask, “Mom, I know this could be an awkward conversation, but would you be willing to talk to me about what our (you and your husband) sexual relationship might look like as we get older? Does it change much through the years? Does it get better, or worse, or stagnant?” This will give you much insight without focusing the conversation on your parents. I think this type of conversation needs to happen before you ever give “suggestions or advice.” She (they) may be very open to encouragement and suggestions after this, if needed.

You might be surprised to discover your parents are doing just fine. You might get some good tips yourself. Or you might at least discover where some struggles lie and then be able to speak to that.

Recommend Quality Resources

You asked: “Or would it just be better to buy a book and ask them to read it?” Short answer: No.

Seriously, when is the last time someone shoved a book at you and asked you to read it without discussion…and you read it? If you’re going to offer a resource, you at least have to couch it in a reason for the recommendation.

That said, you could send anything from a blog post to an article to a video to a book with a note. Your note can include why you thought it was something they might be interested in, why you liked it and recommend it, and/or your experience with the author or distributor that makes you trust their take. What you should not include is unsolicited advice of your own or a you-need-this attitude.

As mentioned in a recent Knowing Her Sexually podcast, my husband and I share marriage articles with one another, but we don’t say, “You need to read this!” Rather, we say something like, “What do you think about this?” or “This really struck home to me” or “Can we talk about making some of the changes discussed here?” It’s much more effective to invite feedback or conversation than dispense advice from on high.

Share a resource and ask your parent(s) to take a look or what they think about it. And then leave it at that.

Respect Their Privacy

Ultimately, it’s none of their business what happens in your bedroom, and it’s none of your business what happens in theirs. Sexual intimacy should be a private act between husband and wife that creates intimacy between those two people.

However, sexual intimacy as God intended strengthens marriages…which strengthens families…which strengthens communities. So in a way, we have a vested interest in our parents, and grown children, experiencing holy and healthy sex in their marriage. Your desire for your parents to “have more fun in their golden years” is a sweet one.

Just know that your parents may have no interest in speaking to you about their physical intimacy, no matter how you phrase it and what you do. And that’s okay. Don’t push it. Respect their privacy.

Pray for Your Parents

What you can always do is pray for your parents. Pray that if they need help or could have more sexual excitement in their golden years, God will plant the seed. Maybe through you, maybe through someone else.

But invite God to work His will with your parents in His own way.

The post Q&A with J: How Can I Help My Parents Enjoy Sex More? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

• Does anyone really have sex like they do in the movies?
• Is role play okay in a Christian marriage, even if it involves imagining something that would be wrong to do in real life?
• How can an older couple maintain sexual intimacy?
• Is it sexual when my husband says he enjoys looking at other women’s feet?

Interesting stuff, right?

This podcast has become one of my favorite activities, because (1) it gives me another avenue to reach out to wives, (2) I get to talk about one of my favorite subjects with three of my favorite bloggers, (3) I recognize the value of four Christian wives sharing foundational beliefs about sexual intimacy but coming at it from different histories and angles, and (4) we provide an example of how women can speak personally and authentically about sex in marriage with a biblical perspective. We pray that conversations like this become the norm in churches, where wives can find help, encouragement, and hope for their marriage bed.

Okay, all that mushy stuff aside, here’s the latest. Just click on the image, and it will take you to our website page where you can listen to the episode.

The post Role Play, Movie Sex, and More Questions…Answered appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Long story short, I had three weeks eaten up with preparing for events, traveling to/from events, attending events, and recovering from events — those events being a week-long Christian youth camp and a massive writers’ conference in New York City. It didn’t help that I expected to have access to WiFi at church camp and ended up with about an hour of Internet all week long. Being out of touch makes me a little antsy, and I hate not tending regularly to my email and blog.

However, I also learned that I need to let myself have some vacation time too. After my events were finished, hubby and I did a little sightseeing in the Big Apple and enjoyed some wonderful couple time together.

I’m done traveling for a while, and I feel terribly behind. But while my to-do list is full, my calendar is open for the next month — meaning it’s a great time to catch up.

So I’ll be catching up here on Hot, Holy & Humorous with a super-special feature — something I’ve never done before: A full month of blogging in August.

That’s right! Throughout August, I’ll be focused on my Summer of Q&A with J. Each weekday in August, I’ll post a reader question and my response. Then on Saturdays, I’ll feature a round-up and a check-in for what else is going on at HHH, as well as a giveaway of one of my books! I’ll start this Saturday, August 1, with a giveaway to one lucky reader of any of my three books in ebook format: your choice. Just watch for that post and instructions on how to enter.

That’s six days of blogging each week, people! Hope you’ll stick with me as we approach the last days of summer and address sex and marriage according to God’s design. See y’all starting tomorrow!

In the meantime…

What couple vacations have you taken this summer? What do you get from spending extended time away from home with your spouse?

The post Why I Was Gone in July…and Why You Should Be Here in August appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.