A husband wrote me about premature ejaculation, and as I began to answer his email, I realized I hadn’t written about this before and should! He began by saying that he and his wife have a great sex life, but…
I am an extremely fast finisher. I tend to finish well within one minute of penetration. I am usually ready for a second round within another few minutes, however those only ever last a couple of minutes maximum as well. This is something my dear wife and I have talked about before and she has always reassured me that this is of no bother to her, and I have always made it a point to be sure that she is “satisfied” by the end of any sexual encounter. She has mentioned to me before a desire to orgasm via penetration (she thinks this may be possible for her) however I am never able to last long enough to even think about making this happen for her. Is there anything I can do to overcome this and try to provide that experience for her?
First up, I want to high-five this husband on his attentiveness as a lover, which his wife clearly appreciates. I was reminded yet again, as I attended and spoke at an event this weekend hosted by the Intimate Covenant podcast, that the primary purpose of sexual intimacy is connection (See What Are the Real Purposes of Sex?). Pleasure certainly serves that higher purpose, but even if sex isn’t everything that we want it to be physically, it can still be amazing emotionally, relationally, and even spiritually.
While working on this or any other issue, be sure to treasure the intimacy of sex as you’ve experienced it with your beloved.
Now on to the question…
What you describe is known, of course, as premature ejaculation (PE). Many experts simply say that PE is finishing sooner than desired, but WebMD gets more specific in saying that PE is when “you have an orgasm before intercourse or less than a minute after you start.” They also add that 30-40% of men experience it as some point, so it’s a common issue. If it’s occasional, then it can be overlooked.
But you want to address the ongoing fast finishes you’re having. And there are ways to do that, from techniques to medications/creams to other aids.
First introduced by sex researchers Masters & Johnson, this common technique is prescribed to men experiencing premature ejaculation.
When you feel ready to ejaculate, stop and squeeze the frenulum of your penis, where the head meets the shaft (see diagram below), with your thumb and forefinger … or ask your wife to do it. Hold that squeeze for several seconds until you no longer need to climax then resume thrusting. Repeat as needed.
Over time, you may be able to delay ejaculation without that squeeze.
Another option is at that ready-to-come moment, simply stop all sexual activity. Freeze in place, so to speak, until that eagerness to climax subsides. Then begin activity again. Do this as often as wanted until you’re ready to finish.
Often referred to as “edging,” some suggest practicing this technique with solo masturbation first. I don’t think that’s necessary; rather, you and your wife can work together to practice this until you feel more confident that you can last longer.
Kegels for Men
Kegels are simply exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor. Doctors often recommend Kegels to women, but they’re good for men as well. In addition to helping a man gain more control over ejaculation, this practice can increase bladder control, which—sorry to tell you—otherwise decreases with aging.
First, find the pelvic floor muscles by stopping urination halfway through or imagining that you’re trying to stop passing gas. The muscles you tense for either of those should be the right ones. Now lie on your back, tighten those muscles slowly through the count to 5, then release slowly for that same 5 count, and repeat 10 times each day.
Condoms tend to decrease sensitivity somewhat, which can help a husband last longer. There are even condoms specifically made with this purpose in mind, such as Trojan Extended Pleasure and Durex Performax Intense. These work by adding lubricant with benzocaine that also reduces nerve sensitivity in your penis. Which brings me to…
You can skip the condom if you want and simply put a numbing gel directly on your penis to reduce sensitivity. Some options include K-Y’s Don’t Stop Duration Gel for Him and Promescent Climax Control Spray.
You may want to test this out on a small area of yourself and your wife first, because a few folks experience irritation with numbing gels.
It’s not widely understood why, but SSRIs usually prescribed for depression or anxiety can help to delay ejaculation as well. You might recognize some of the brand names of these drugs, such as Paxil, Lexapro, Celexa, Zoloft, and Prozac. Mayo Clinic says that the most effective of these is Paxil, but what works for each individual varies.
If other approaches don’t work as you’d like, you may wish to talk to your doctor about this option. He or she could also suggest pain relievers that have shown promise in treating premature ejaculation, but as these drugs can be addictive, I don’t feel comfortable recommending them here. You can take that up with a qualified physician.
Some positions may cause you to ejaculate quicker and some slower. For instance, wife on top allows her to take more control of the thrusting and even use the pause-squeeze or stop-start techniques. She may also want to try rocking more than thrusting motions.
But there are many options. You can try out various positions yourself, check out my chapter on sex positions in Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design for ideas, or check out Christian Friendly Sex Positions, which has a category titled “80+ Amazing Sex Positions That Help Him Last Longer.” (Interestingly enough, the first position featured is the one I named: The Dragonfly. ~grin~)
A penis ring works by trapping blood flow in the penis to make an erection harder. Some suggest that such rings also delay ejaculation by pressing on the urethra, and others say it makes no difference for climax control. Since I obviously cannot test this out, I don’t have an opinion on whether it works. But for the low price of a set of rings, like these from Married Dance, it might be worth a shot.
Well, it’s definitely taken more than a minute for you to read this post, so I think I should wrap it up. Basically, you have a bunch of alternatives here to try and see what works, if anything.
But if you and your wife are both happy with your sex life, don’t add anxiety about this issue to the bedroom. That anxiety might even make it more difficult to breathe, settle in, and gain more control of your climax’s timing. Plus, you’ll be missing the best part of sex: being connected.
I wish you the best in your journey to longer lasting sex in the moment, but far more so in long-lasting intimacy between you and your lovely wife.
Related post: Rapid Ejaculation – The Marriage Bed
Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.
13 thoughts on “Q&A with J: “I’m a Fast Finisher” – Premature Ejaculation”
Careful with SSRIs. They caused the opposite problem with me – they made it so I could not finish.
Yes, thanks for sharing that. SSRIs can be problematic if you don’t have this issue—as in making it difficult to climax. If someone does need to take them for depression or anxiety, there are various options, and some have less of this issue than others, so it’s worth discussing with a doctor.
I have had PE my entire life, late 40s. Early in marriage we tried stop/start, squeeze, positions and training. Nothing worked. It was not one or two minutes but more like 4-5 thrusts. When I was younger I was able to stay hard enough to keep going for a while after I orgasmed. We made sure she got really close to orgasm before we started intercourse and she’d always have an orgasm. As I got older I could not stay hard after orgasm and I started to have issues getting hard or even staying hard if I tried to stop and start. I finally talked to my Dr and got Viagra for erections and Zoloft to try for lasting longer. He gave me a few options for taking Zoloft. This lead to us having to schedule sex. I take 50mg the day before sex and 100mg the morning before sex. The first time I used both it was a massive difference. My wife was shocked how hard I was and how much bigger I was. I didn’t feel like cumming as soon as sex started either. It was fantastic. I’ve experimented with the Zoloft as the Dr recommended with dose and timing. I did find that 100mg the day before and at noon the day of made me have a hard time cumming at all. That worked out well for my wife as she had three orgasms while I was trying to have one, I did finally. This has been a huge improvement for us in the bedroom. We were getting to the point of hardly having sex and mostly maintenance type sex. I wish I had done this in my 20s and not had 20 years of sex that was over very fast.
If you have issues with cumming fast please talk to your Dr and try this.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I’m sure it will help someone. And all the best to you and your wife!
The methods you’ve described worked for me over the years. Probably the most effective method that elevates intensity (after foreplay) between my wife and I, is motionless (or near motionless) penetrative love making for the first 20 minutes or so.
The desire to increase the pace while barely moving does increase arousal to a very high level for both of us, which makes the act of making love more euphoric.
We have developed a lot of trust when I’m able to admit that I will let go in 3 seconds or less if we accelerate the in and out motions.
I can see the urgency in her eyes for me to pick up the pace, but not wanting me to release at the same time, She can also see the urgency in my eyes the intense desire to let go, but instead going slow while acclimating to her playful squeezes until I’m able to increase the pace without prematurely ejaculating.
We’ve discovered that near motionless intimacy and experiencing mutual urgency, excites us both.
Thanks for sharing that. Nice to have folks who’ve been through it pass on their wisdom!
Thank you, I kind of forgot the most important part about exercising some passionate self control.
As I slowly acclimate my man part inside her which requires me to purposely going slow and near motionless, her desire to increase the pace is causing her arousal to reach peaks to where she’ll begin a series of continuous climaxes. It’s like the slower I go, the more aroused she gets.
Truthfully if I increase the pace before acclimating I’ll “let go” too soon without her experiencing penetrative climaxes and I end up apoligizing.
Also as a man, if I let go too soon within the first 20 minutes or less (or worse like less than 3 or 4 minutes) my ejaculating is less explosive and not nearly as pleasurable because I didn’t allow my arousal level to reach an intense peak by going the distance.
So in my case it is more beneficial for me by putting my wife first. It is also emotionally stimulating to feel (and see) the way her body responds .
It might help during intercourse to pull out and let her do a quick handjob while the husband stimulates her vaginal lips and then in a few minutes continue thrusting or even finishing with some breast sex.
Go Mariners! haha
This topic hits home for me. I love penetrative sex but my husband has struggled with PE for the entire 15 years of our marriage. I don’t get anything from oral and manual stimulation is uncomfortable. I usually only get to finish maybe 25% of the time which makes me believe the effort just isn’t worth it. We’ve tried all of these methods with no help. He does randomly take SSRI’s which sometimes help but not consistently. I so wish there was a better solution!
It’s understandable that you’re frustrated. Even though other sexual practices can be pleasurable, there’s something about penetration by one’s husband that feels especially good and/or intimate. Keep looking for answers! And if oral and manual aren’t working for you, I wonder if maybe technique could be part of the issue. You may want to pick up my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design and/or the webinars available at For Christian Wives and/or KHS Ministry.
I feel like you could be right on the technique issue because he does not respond well to coaching. I’m not seeing a webinar specifically for oral or manual for her, is there one? He’s read books but it hasn’t help. Thoughts on how to make it enjoyable for me without feeling judged for how difficult I am.
Maybe try the KHS Ministry one titled Increasing Your Wife’s Pleasure. We get specific there on HOW to touch and what works for women generally. You might want together and take the attitude of chiming in when something is especially true or not true for you, so y’all can discuss.
I’d also recommend Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples as a great resource to get y’all talking more about sexual intimacy options and to open your husband up to better understanding and persistence in figuring this all out. Blessings!