Like many of you, I’ve heard, seen, and read multiple articles about the alleged rape at Cornell University. In case you haven’t followed this story, the short version is that an inebriated woman attended a fraternity party, engaged with several men also under the influence, and ended up engaging in sexual encounters with several fraternity members—very likely without her full consent.

When the story was fresh, I considered hopping in with my perspective but thought better of it. I really don’t know all the facts of this case, the persons involved, or the legal parameters (consent is defined differently depending on jurisdiction). I defer to the authorities to decide whether rape occurred.

But after letting the issue settle for a bit, I decided that I can speak about this incident as an example of three problematic issues in our culture. So let’s look at those and how they impact our view of sexuality by God’s design.

Sex Isn’t Just Transactional

When I read the story of “Jane Doe,” my heart ached. She showed up at a frat party, agreed to a threesome, and later texted that “honestly i really like being w u and matt…. I don’t think we should feel any shame for the part. our body our choice.” Soon after, she realized that it wasn’t all her choice. She’d been far too intoxicated to agree to what happened.

Meanwhile, the frat boys shared texts that night with such stomach-churning messages as:

• Free p*$$y
• Like you can walk in and whip it out
• Shop still open?

We likely recoil from these messages, but let’s ask ourselves: How have we treated sex like a transaction?

Because that’s what everyone in this awful story seemed to have done. Jane Doe originally thought that sex was a feel-good interaction that only required consent, and the fraternity guys looked at her as an opportunity to have a good time. Did anyone consider sexual intimacy to be a more emotional—perhaps even spiritual—experience? It doesn’t seem like it.

Look, I’m not blaming the victim here! Simply imagine the Cornell scenario where everyone involved accepted that sex was a deeply spiritual and/or emotional experience. What would have happened? Certainly not the horrific event that occurred!

Our culture has failed both women and men by insisting that anything goes, as long as participants consent. We’ve minimized the intensity of physical intimacy by making sex seem transactional. She gets what she wants, he gets what he wants, and everyone leaves happy, right? No, not right.

We were made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), and our bodies should be treated with honor (1 Corinthians 6:19‑20). While there is give-and-take in a healthy marital relationship, sex was never meant to be transactional (see The Bad Plan of Bartering for Sex).

Our current culture promotes the idea that sex is about self-expression and pleasure, and in doing so, robs us of both. People end up pursuing selfishness and personal pleasure to the detriment of others.

Our current culture promotes the idea that sex is about self-expression and pleasure, and in doing so, robs us of both.

Few of us are likely to find ourselves in the circumstance of the Cornell students. Rather, let’s ask ourselves where we’ve fallen short of honoring our spouse. Where have we considered sex to be transactional rather than relational?

Take All Accusations Seriously

You may have heard of the hashtags #BelieveWomen or #BelieveAllWomen. I appreciate the goal, but I differ somewhat on the message. Mine would be #TakeAccusationsSeriously.

Men are not inherently worse than women, and I don’t put it past some women to, well, lie. I can conceive of instances where accusing a man of sexual harassment or assault would benefit a woman. At the same time, men perpetuate far more sexual crimes than women and we have looong history of ignoring women’s accurate reports of sexual harassment and assault. What’s the answer? Take all accusations seriously.

By the way, plenty of allegations not taken seriously involve a male accusing a man or woman of harassment or assault. We must take those seriously too!

Don’t assume that because you know Mr. X and he seems okay that he is not capable of horrific sexual violations. That’s how Jeffrey Epstein and Larry Nassar got away with their crimes. Pastors also get away with sexual abuse when we don’t take accusers’ reports seriously! One book I recommend on this topic is The Devil Inside: How My Minister Father Molested Kids In Our Home And Church For Decades And How I Finally Stopped Him by Jimmy Hinton.

But not every allegation is 100% true. That’s why we should take each seriously and investigate! Most research finds that 2–10% of rape allegations are false (though that’s arguable). That’s not a high number—which confirms take all allegations seriously, but if you’re one of the 2–10 men falsely accused of rape, that’s a big deal.

Not a single rapist should get away with his crime! But we need to investigate allegations to ensure that we’re not assuming guilt where it doesn’t exist.

As I write this, I think about readers who’ve experienced sexual assault. Maybe you struggle to call what you experienced rape. Maybe you’ve never told anyone about it, or you told someone and your allegation wasn’t taken seriously. It should have been. You should have received full-throttle support and had your story valued and confirmed! You should have received compassion and justice!

But a few readers have been erroneously accused of misconduct, and I feel for those people too.

TRUTH should be our guiding principle. And while I hope and pray that justice prevails on this side of Heaven, I want you to know that God sees, God knows, and God will deliver ultimate justice on your behalf. He loves you and will make things right in the end.

If you’ve experienced sexual trauma, please get help. Your story matters.

We’re in an Ongoing Fight

The way the world understands sexuality and the truth of God’s design are constantly at odds! I’ve read so many views about this case that miss the mark. I considered naming all the ways that news stories and commentaries have gone awry, but they are legion and the specifics are not the point. Rather, we need to all take a breath, step back from our preferred news sources, and reflect on what God has to say about all this.

So God created mankind in his own image,
    in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27

We all bear the image of God. That said, we live in this realm on a spectrum—following Christ, rejecting Him, actively pursing evil, and everything in between.

Rapists actively pursue evil and should be treated as such! But plenty of others do evil without aggressively attacking others. Some of you reading this now have looked at pornography in the past week—knowing that it’s not okay but also telling yourself that you’re not actually hurting anyone. Please, please recognize that you’re in an ongoing fight … and right now, you’re losing. That doesn’t say anything about you as a person. Plenty of heroes were backed into a corner before they found the courage to step out, oppose evil, and prevail! Many of them benefited from support from others (Marvel and DC Comics have superhero groups for a reason!).  

Daily, we’re bombarded with sexual temptation of various kinds. Not just pornography, but also erotica, porn-adjacent TV and movies, strip clubs, chat rooms, social media groups, and even sites masquerading as Christian sex resources while promoting unbiblical ideas.

I wonder how many erroneous sexual messages Jane Doe and, even more so, the Cornell fraternity brothers consumed before that fateful night. I guarantee you the number is not zero. I suspect it was an appalling amount of content opposed to what God designed sex to be.

What’s informing our view of sexuality? Is it God’s Word or other sources? Some of you know it’s more the latter. What will you do next?

Like many of you, I am heartsick—and sick to my stomach as well—by what happened at a frat house in Cornell in October 2024. But every single minute of every single day, God’s design for sexual intimacy is violated in some way or other. What are we doing to pursue His plan for sexual intimacy?

I don’t know what will happen with Jane Doe and her case, but I do know that God’s justice and mercy prevail in the long run. In the meantime, we must do our part, by embracing that:

1. Sex is more than transactional; it’s emotional and even spiritual.
2. All allegations of sexual abuse and harassment should be taken seriously and properly investigated.
3. We are in an ongoing fight, and if we’re not winning our personal battle with sexual temptation, we need to get help and support to get on God’s side.

The post What the Cornell Case Reminds Us About Sexuality appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I wasn’t trying to become a Christian sex author and speaker. But as I explain in My Story:

God has had His hand on my sex life. I know where I’d be without Him. While some people’s faith testimonies are easily proclaimed in public, my biggest witness is not. How do I admit in the middle of a Bible class that my Amazing Grace moment should be sung “that saved a wench like me”?

You see, I had a premarital promiscuous past, and that baggage stuck with me for a long time. But God redeemed me, blessed my marriage with sexual intimacy, and sent me into conversations with wives about understanding sex as a gift. It became a calling, then a blog, and finally a ministry.

Sexual Baggage Is Inevitable

No one enters marriage without sexual baggage. For some, it’s like a backpack holding a few wrong messages about romance or men/women, mild body image issues, that sort of thing. For others, it’s a heavy trunk with the effects of past sexual trauma, childhood abuse, demand or force within a relationship, etc. Many of us fall in between those extremes.

But no matter who we are and what we experienced, we absorbed myths about ourselves, our partners, and sex itself that don’t align with God’s plan. How long it takes to work that out and what help you need depends on how much baggage you have.

Working that out, however, is a worthy goal! You likely have more than one piece of luggage, so you may need to take each in turn to get through to the other side. That other side being where God wants us to be—delighting in His gift of healthy and holy sexual intimacy.

About My Baggage

I dragged into my marriage multiple issues, including body image concerns, fear of abandonment, and especially guilt from the sexual encounters I had before my marriage. As I said, rather frankly, in My Story:

Through high school and college, I became a curious participant, then technical virgin, and finally slut.

In my mid-twenties, however, I realized how steeped I was in the negative consequences of handling this ever-so-serious business as flippantly as I would choose an ice cream flavor. I’d ponder for a while how far I’d go with a guy, but I never walked out of the store without getting a scoop of What-were-you-thinking!

But why did I do all that to begin with? Why was I such a “curious participant”? And why did I find it so difficult to stop doing what I didn’t really want to do? Why was promiscuity so appealing?

I’ve hinted at reasons before, but today, I’m ready to tell you a whole lot more. Why? Because everyone who might have been negatively affected by me openly sharing about my past is gone.

My father died 10 years ago, and my mother has advanced dementia such that I’m familiar and she enjoys seeing me, but she doesn’t know who I am. My parents’ siblings have all passed. And my oldest sister has severe dementia as well, due to strokes. Leaving just me and my other sister who supports me speaking up.

Why Some Women Sleep Around

I don’t speak for all women of course! But my tale is likely to be relatable for some wives out there. And that is why I’m telling it today. Perhaps my story will help you better identify yours and find your way to God’s redemption.

I grew up as a preacher’s kid, but what was presented to the world and what happened inside my house were quite different. To the congregation, my father was a jovial, compassionate man who spoke well, had a great sense of humor, and was enjoyable to be around. But at home, we walked on eggshells, not sure when the next explosion might occur. Yes, he could be jovial, humorous, and enjoyable. But he could also be critical, controlling, and cruel.

He abused my mother in ways that I cannot begin to describe. One mercy is that I never saw him hit her, but when I was in 8^th grade and my mom announced that she was leaving my dad because he’d beaten her, I didn’t bat an eye. It was in keeping with who I knew him to be.

My parents didn’t divorce (then). They reconciled. But when I reached my teens, I no longer wanted physical affection from the man who’d also lose his temper and scream at me, his red face inches from mine. I pulled away.

Meanwhile, when I reached puberty, I looked like a 13-year-old girl and that’s where my body stayed until I had kids. I had little-to-no breasts, a straight build, and not much on the backside either. My one saving grace was good legs! (Maybe because of marching band?) Plus, I was somewhat awkward, at least until high school. And by then, my body image was pretty solidified as “not attractive.” It didn’t help that both of my older sisters were gorgeous. By comparison, I felt like the ugly duckling.

So here I was, not getting male affection from my father anymore but still wanting it. Also, my sense was that guys would be seriously settling to pick me out of the available girls out there, so I needed an edge. Add to that a family and church atmosphere that took the attitude toward sex of DON’T: don’t do it, don’t talk about it, don’t even think about it. And being a curious person, that made me all the more interested.

Fooling around became my way of getting male attention, feeling better about my body, and satisfying my curiosity. But of course, that’s no way to build a relationship. Pretty soon, my sexual partner would lose interest and leave. Teenage Me responded by upping my willingness and, to be honest, working on my “skills.” If I could make it really good for him, he’d want me, right? He’d stay, right? He’d reassure me that I was worthy of his love, right?

You can see how this created a downward spiral. I’d get a guy, engage sexually with him, and eventually lose him. Sometimes, I broke up, but more often, I was rejected.

Enter fear of abandonment.

My luggage was stacking up.

Are You Tired of Dragging It Around?

We tend to grow tired of dragging our sexual baggage long before we’re ready to let it go. After all, while costing us in the long run, it often serves a short-term purpose.

When I slept with a guy, he almost always held me afterward. And that affection spoke to an empty place inside me that longed for comfort. Looking back, I see it as a glimpse of what God intended when you pursue His way. But done my own way, that comfort was fleeting. And left me feeling more hollow than before.

I made choices that led to my sexual baggage.

But some of you have baggage that wasn’t your choice at all. If you experienced trauma, you may have reacted in ways that helped you survive … yet don’t serve you well now. Still, you clutch it, unsure what would happen if you didn’t have that coping mechanism. Or maybe not knowing how to let go.

I lived with my burden for years and years. In fact, I leaned further and further into my bad choices. Once I crossed the line—aka “lost my virginity” (what a stupid phrase!)—I figured I was damaged goods anyway, so why bother trying to go back? My baggage just got heavier, until I felt smothered by it.

Where Does Healing Begin?

Jesus Christ invites us:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28–30

But it took me several times of going to Jesus to finally accept that He had it covered. I really could let it go. God forgave me long before I received His forgiveness. So if you’ve tried and tried but still feel the weight of your past, the heaviness of lies you believed, the guilt of your actions, try again. It worked for David. It worked for Peter. It worked for me.

And remember that you’re not alone. You may worry about being judged, but again, no one enters marriage without sexual baggage. No one. We’re also invited in Scripture to: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Although it was difficult to confess my promiscuous past, once I did, I received disapproval from a few fellow believers but support and encouragement from far more. Some found my authenticity refreshing and even inspiring. I broke the taboo by speaking about my experience with sex, and others came to see that we can and should talk about it. And that God has answers.

Those answers may include help from mature believers. I searched the scriptures to better understand God’s design for sex, but I also read books, watched a few video series, and had private conversations with trustworthy friends. I’ve also seen professional counselors through the years to process my family-of-origin issues and learn healthier approaches.

I’m still a work in process! But if you’d known J. Parker at age 22, you’d have NEVER guessed she’d have a ministry helping wives and couples pursue godly sexual intimacy in their marriages. If anything comes of my 16 years writing and speaking about sex, it’s this hope: God didn’t give up on me, and He won’t give up on you.

Jesus is the hero of your story. You walk into the Hotel of Marriage hauling a whole set of luggage carrying the lies, hurts, fears, and more that you picked up along the way, and He says, “Just go up to the room and relax. I’ll take care of these.”

We all have sexual baggage. Maybe it’s time to finally let go.

The post We All Have Sexual Baggage appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Way back in 2013, I contributed a guest post to Jolene Engle’s 31 Days to a Better Marriage series. I re-read the post, tweaked it just a bit, and wanted to share it with y’all. So here it is, on a subject near and dear to my heart: wives who desire and enjoy sex in marriage and what that says about them.

Can sex-driven wives be godly wives?

I’m tempted to answer my own question, “You bet,” and leave it at that.

Yet I know the struggle many Christian wives feel. I’ve felt it too. That sense that if you really enjoy sex with your husband…

If you desire, delve, and delight in sex…
If you even invite, initiate, and indulge in sex…
If you—heaven forbid!—mention aloud to other Christian wives how much you enjoy sex, then…

Maybe you’re not quite up to snuff on the disciple-o-meter. After all, how could you be so obsessed with the physical side of life when God is clearly only interested in the spiritual?

Unfortunately, the Church and its people have often blurred the lines between premarital purity and fully-endorsed-by-the-Father sex in marriage. Entire generations of women were raised in the church to believe that “good girls don’t” and, after marriage, “good girls do, but don’t want to.” The stigma remains in some circles that if you crave and revel in good sex with your husband, then you’re somehow lesser-than.

Here’s the biblical truth: God created you to be a sexual being.

God gifted marriage with sexual intimacy.

God is not the least bit taken aback by a wife who loves having sex or even desires sex more than her husband. He’s commanded us to have sex (Genesis 2:24), and the Bible fully recognizes that we ladies have some sexual fire in us (see 1 Corinthians 7:3-9). God planted that desire and expects us to fulfill it in marriage.

In the Song of Songs, a book of the Bible devoted to sexual intimacy, the wife eagerly invites her husband to make love to her. “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (1:4); “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16).  And after the couple makes love, there’s a part often attributed to “Friends,” but scholars now largely agree that it represents God’s voice. What does that voice say? “Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love” (5:1). In other words, chow down on the love feast, husbands and wives!

Moreover, we can look at how God created our body, the one He knitted together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Here’s more proof that God’s on our side when it comes to wives and sex: the clitoris.  For years, scientists assumed that the clitoris had some reproductive or functional use, so they studied and studied. And came up empty. Its whole purpose seems to be female pleasure. Yep, the clitoris is a gift-wrapped present from God for married wives to experience arousal, pleasure, and climax.

Despite the evidence, however, many Christians intimate that higher desire wives are, well, weird. Like we’re an endangered species, or should be.

It’s still common to hear Christians talking about the importance of sex in terms of a wife needing to meet her husband’s needs, without regard to completely legitimate intimacy needs that wives have!

And those of us who really like and want sex feel like dodo birds … or maybe, let’s face it, sluts. Indeed, with my history of premarital promiscuity, it was difficult to oust this label from my own mind and embrace the way God saw my marital intimacy—as right and good and honorable.

Even spiritual. Yes, spiritual.

Spiritual values can have physical manifestations.

Consider that Jesus’s spiritual commands have a physical component:

• Love someone … by treating them as the Good Samaritan cared for the injured Jew.
• Help others … by giving to the poor.
• Serve others … by giving your time and resources to care for them.

Our deeds demonstrate the maturity of our faith and love.

Likewise, God blessed marriage with a physical manifestation of relational and spiritual intimacy with your mate: affection, yes, but also sex. And as long as you’re doing it in a way that honors your spouse, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to grab hold of that blessing.

Proverbs 13:12 states that “a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” God infused you with a longing for deep, physical intimacy with your mate.

If you’re focused on sexual intimacy to the neglect of other parts of your relationship, that’s one thing. (And a thing you should look into and resolve.) But if you simply desire and enjoy sex with your husband, that’s a longing from God. One who wants to fulfill.

The post Can Sex-Driven Wives Be Godly Wives? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

It’s beyond common. I hear it all the time. Wives saying that they got their husband to perform some task by promising sex in return. I’ve often joked that I can’t get my husband to do anything that way. He knows I can’t hold out long enough to use sex as a bartering chip.

But sex shouldn’t even be a bartering chip.

Why is bartering a bad plan for sex?

It’s a selfish version of sexual intimacy.

It’s a you-scratch-my-back (or whatever), I’ll-scratch-yours mentality. You are focused on what you can get out of the sexual experience, not what you can give your spouse or what you two can experience together.

It puts one of you in control.

If you are the one who surrenders sex when you get some nonsexual favor from your spouse, you become the person in control of your marital intimacy. You hold the keys to whether the door to sex is locked or unlocked. Your spouse must comply with your requirements before you let him/her in.

Yes, an imbalance of control can occur without bartering! (See, e.g., What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully?)  But it certainly happens when you barter for sex.

It downplays your own enjoyment.

Numerous psychological studies have studied how reward-punishment systems work for other tasks. For instance, people have long debated whether paying kids for good grades is a good or bad idea. But one conclusion regularly drawn is that when you attach payment to a task, it conveys that the task is not one a person would happily perform without payment. That is, it can make the task itself seem somehow unpleasant.

If you attach sex in your mind to being payment for some other task, you downplay your own desire and enjoyment of sexual intimacy for its own sake. Your end becomes the other task, with sex as the method for achieving that . . . rather than seeing the sexual encounter as an end to itself, an experience worth pursuing and savoring with your spouse.

It communicates that you don’t want sex.

If you only want to engage in sex when he knocks off your honey-do list, then your hubby figures that you don’t like sex with him nearly as much you like home improvement or whatever. If you only show up when she makes your favorite sandwich or watches the TV series she doesn’t really like with you, then your wife concludes you like meatball subs or Game of Thrones more than her.

But your higher desire spouse wants to know that you desire them, that you want to be intimate with them, that you are happy to be in their arms enjoying their love. Over and over, I hear from higher drive spouses who say that sex is 100 times better when they know their beloved is enjoying the experience.

So what if you have been bartering for sex in your marriage? How can you change that dynamic?

Do things for their own sake.

Don’t expect rewards from your spouse for anything from doing the dishes to remaking the garage into a hobby room. Do it because it’s a generous thing to do and demonstrates love for your spouse.

Communicate your desire.

If a spouse has been doing the tit-for-tat, he/she may not be talking honestly about where sex fits into his/her view of the relationship. Openly discuss how you want physical intimacy to be a part of your relationship regardless of how many to-dos get crossed off the list. In fact, sometimes it would be nice to throw the list aside for a bit, let the unnecessary tasks slide, and focus on the necessary joining of your flesh.

Prioritize.

Consider which expectations you can let go and how you can foster relational intimacy. Yes, you should have a fully participating partner in the home! But sometimes we put to-dos ahead of our relationship when they don’t need to be. Ask yourself what’s really important, and make sure you include sexual intimacy with your spouse on that list.

Work together.

Some things really do need to get done. If possible, work together. Make it a “we” time. Even better, make it a fun “we” time. Cook dinner together . . . and feed each other as you go. Paint the room together . . . then paint each other’s bodies. Do the dishes together . . . naked.

Of course, there are some chores that you should each handle. For instance, I learned long ago that my husband hangs the pictures. If we’d tried to hang each picture on our walls together, I would have divorced killed lost my patience because he is far more meticulous than I with those things. No worries. He does the pictures; I do other things.

Barter chores, not sex.

If you don’t work together well on a task, barter chores, not chore + sex. For the majority of my marriage, we’ve had an I cook you clean policy. You can look at that as a division of labor or a bartering arrangement (he gets a meal; I get a bye from doing dishes). But that’s a far more even trade and allows you to act within areas that suit your personality and skills.

Meanwhile, both of you should have the personality and skills to make love with each other.

What about the typical advice that husbands doing chores will get them more sex?

I mostly agree, but it’s not because it’s a bartering arrangement. Heaven forbid!

Instead, many wives have a long list of household chores, and if they are juggling child-rearing with them, and even add a part-time or full-time job (oh my!), they don’t have a lot of energy left for sex. Since one of the main reasons women say no is fatigue, then whatever a husband does to alleviate that burden makes it more likely that his wife will be up for sex.

Plus, when my husband notices something that needs doing and does it, that unselfish act on his part demonstrates love for me, makes our marriage feel like a true partnership, and fosters my admiration for him. All those gushy feelings mean that he looks even more attractive to me as a whole package deal when he comes a-courtin’ for sex later.

But don’t do a task to get sex. Do a task to show and foster your love for your spouse. Have sex to show and foster love for your spouse.

[Love] is not self-seeking.

Corinthians 13:5

This post first appeared on Hot, Holy & Humorous on July 25, 2013. It has been edited and updated.

The post No More Bartering for Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Before we get to the post, let me remind you about the 2025 Online Sex Seminar. It includes 25 video lessons from top therapists, counselors, and sex educators—including me! And it’s only $35 with my unique link. Or get the 6-year bundle for only $69. Click the image below to check it out.

Many people like to play with words by including “sex” in them. They talk about sexpectations (one’s assumptions about sex), sexperts (apparently I’m one!), sexting (texting sexy stuff with your mate), and—of course—Sextember.

I came across a new one the other day by pure accident. I found a cute monthly budget template on Canva, an online design platform, and printed it out. Not until I saw it on paper did I notice that the curvy arrow looked like an S.

See what I mean? I know it’s not just me, because someone else in my family commented on it. Sexpenses. What exactly would those be?

What Are Sexpenses?

When I looked up the definition of expense, the most straightforward one came from the Cambridge Dictionary: “use of money, time, or effort.” In other words, what you expend to get something else. Taking it to the area of sexuality, sexpenses would be the money, time, or effort you put forth to have sex in your marriage.

But wait! Having sex isn’t enough. It should count as true sexual intimacy—that is, the kind of sex you both want, enjoy, and feel connects with one another.

You might have come into marriage with sexpectations that you shouldn’t have to expend anything to have great sex. It should come naturally as part of being with the one you love. That’s a message common in both Christian and secular circles.

But the truth is, we need to put forth money, time, and effort to create and maintain a quality sex life.

What Are You Willing to Spend?

You may believe you’re already spent plenty! What with the cost of the wedding rings, the wedding itself, and the birthday, Christmas, and anniversary gifts over the years; all the time you’ve spent together; and every kind word, romantic gesture, date night, and apology you’ve given. Why would you need to expend more? Shouldn’t you be rewarded with great sex after all you’ve done?

While all of those things matter—and good for you for doing them!—let’s not overlook the extras that need to happen to keep our sexy spark going. What are those extras?

More time. As we settle into marriage, we can shortchange the buildup toward a sexual encounter. But spending time on friendship, flirting, and foreplay make a real difference in the quality of what happens once we get to the bedroom.

Also, many couples don’t spend enough time making love. Not that quickies can’t be part of your sexual repertoire, but more often than not, we should devote ample time for both spouses to settle in, come to full arousal, and reach orgasm.

Finally, more time to savor the moment, basking in the afterglow, can help us feel more cherished and bonded.

More effort. It’s funny that both higher and lower desire spouses complain to me about their beloved’s lack of effort in the sexual realm. Higher desire spouses often want their mates to put forth more effort with initiating sex and showing up with enthusiasm, while lower desire spouses often wish their mates would make a bigger effort to woo, arouse, and satisfy them.

Truth is, both spouses could usually expend more effort to meet their spouse’s deep longings. It might be time to talk about what effort from your spouse would be most meaningful in creating better sexual intimacy. Maybe it’s more romance. Maybe it’s greater passion. Maybe it’s more affirmation. Maybe it’s learning other sexual skills.

I can’t say what it is for your spouse and your marriage, but there’s likely something more you could do that speaks to your beloved’s heart.

More money. You may have cringed at the thought of mixing sex and money. But hear me out. Some couples need to expend money on a visit to a healthcare provider to address sexual pain or discomfort, low testosterone (him) or vaginal dryness (her), contraceptive options, etc. Some individuals need to pay for some therapy to heal from past trauma, and couples may need counseling to tackle relational conflict or sexual desire differences. Some couples could benefit from purchasing a marital aid that makes up for a deficiency in their lovemaking (e.g., lube for dryness, a bullet vibrator for additional stimulation to finally reach orgasm).

We could all benefit from spending some money on quality resources that help us have a better sex life (yes, like the Sex Seminar mentioned above). And many of us need to set aside funds to have date nights that reconnect us emotionally so that we feel more eager to reconnect sexually as well.

Spending more money is easy for some couples, but a real struggle for others. If you’re in the latter camp, you may need to get creative about how to manage expenses or ask for help.

Can You Spend Too Much?

Of course you can spend too much. As I said early on in this post, we’re not aiming simply for more sex but genuine sexual intimacy. And if you’ve been expending a lot of time, effort, or money for your spouse to have sex that you don’t want or enjoy, then the sexual budget in your marriage is not working well.

Sadly, I’ve heard too many stories of marriages where one spouse paid all the sexpenses and the other seemed to get all the income. If that’s where you are, then the time, money, and effort you should be spending is figuring out how to disrupt that system and advocate for something better.

Making a Sexpense Sheet

Most couples, though, simply need some tweaking. We need to take stock of how things are going, where we have some deficits, and what money, time, or effort we can expend to make things better.

Maybe jot down a few ideas and share them with your spouse. Invite them to add ideas to your “sexpense sheet.” Discuss what one or two steps you can start with and get those going.

Start now, keep at it, and you may find yourself enjoying a surplus of sexual satisfaction! Wouldn’t that be worth the extra expense?

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