Welcome to the third installment of a series on premarital sex. In Part 1, we looked at what the Bible says about premarital sex. In Part 2, we addressed challenges to the Church’s ban on premarital sex. I intended the third post to be about how to maintain sexual integrity, but then I realized I needed a post to explain what sexual integrity is and how it blesses us. So, I’ll get to the practical how next week!

Does Abstinence Matter?

Teens and singles have often been encouraged to stay a virgin, maintain one’s purity, and/or practice abstinence. I’ve encouraged it too. It’s the biblical position that sex should be reserved for one’s spouse; thus, having sex outside of marriage is not God’s design.

However, a singular focus on abstinence before marriage has left a lot to be desired. It’s led to people erecting unbiblical boundaries to hold their virgin status—from doing everything but the deed to avoiding any physical contact with one’s intended, and many options in between. It’s left people feeling judged for past behaviors, current mistakes, or even stray thoughts. (See Where Purity Culture Got It Wrong, Let’s Get It Right.) It hasn’t always addressed other sexual sin, such as pornography and/or lusting. (See What Is Lusting?) And it’s put so much focus on what happens before marriage to the exclusion of what purity looks like in all seasons of life.

Thankfully, many Christian marriage writers and speakers have recently talked more about having sexual integrity. Why sexual integrity?

This one-minute video from the McCombs School of Business at the University of Texas explains integrity well. (Please be sure to watch!)

Using the video’s main points, sexual integrity for a Christian might be defined, then, as:

• Doing what’s right for the specific season they’re in, which could involve abstinence, engaging regularly and solely with one’s spouse, or showing self-control while working on healing and restoration.
• Understanding, accepting, and choosing to live according to God’s design for sexual intimacy.
• Avoiding corruption or hypocrisy (something too many believers haven’t done while yet preaching abstinence).
• Following God’s plan for sexual integrity whether it’s easy or difficult and whether tangibly rewarded or not.

Doing What’s Right

For years before I did “the deed,” I was a technical virgin. That is, I had not had intercourse and presumably, therefore, retained my V-card. But I hadn’t avoided sexual activity altogether. Like many other teenagers, I wanted to know how far I could go and then put the tips of my toes right on that line.

If only I’d understood that “How far is too far?” is the wrong question. Rather, we should ask, “What’s right?” or rather “What’s righteous?” What really honors God?

Is Abstinence Before Marriage the Right Goal? "'How far is too far?' is the wrong question. Rather, we should ask, 'What's right?' or rather 'What's righteous?' What really honors God?" @hotholyhumorous
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Once we focus on doing what’s right, our choices become clearer. Especially when our views of righteousness are less informed by object lessons about “soul ties” (which I don’t believe, by the way) or strictures regarding modesty than biblical principles. For instance, look at these passages:

• “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23).
• “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
• “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

Based on those concepts, one can see that pushing sexual boundaries before marriage is not righteous, but withholding affection and intimacy during marriage is also problematic. Moreover, it’s not just what we do with our bodies, but with our minds, hearts, and eyes as well. Are we honoring God with how we look at others? How we treat them? How we demonstrate love? Such precepts can clear up a lot of fuzziness.

But as Christians in community, we should additionally ask: Are we honoring God to deny compassion, forgiveness, and support for those who failed but want to do better? Shouldn’t we be helping everyone, regardless of their current circumstance or past sin, to embrace sexual integrity?

Living by One’s Principles

Legalism has always existed among God’s people. Those wanting to know what’s okay and what’s not okay can find others willing to provide a ready-made list of dos and don’ts. Now, some of those dos and don’ts may indeed reflect God’s design, but even when they do, they can miss the main point.

Just look at what Jesus Christ said to the legalists of His time:

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.

Matthew 23:23

Jesus agreed there were rules, but He wanted the spotlight where it belongs: on living according to godly principles.

If there was a passage about abstinence in the same vein, we might imagine that Jesus would say that not having sex outside marriage is good but insufficient. Checking that box means little if we don’t also live out justice, mercy, and faithfulness. It isn’t simply what we do or don’t do, but rather who we are as people of sexual integrity before God.

When we live by godly principles, it’s easier both to follow the rules—the dos and don’ts that apply to all situations—and to discern what’s wise and good in specific situations where the answers may be less cut-and-dry.

Free of Corruption or Hypocrisy

Far too often, it comes to light that a pastor who preached abstinence before marriage is involved in a sex scandal himself. We can scream about the corruption and hypocrisy of such folks—and we should—but a lot of believers have engaged in their own secret sin regarding sexuality.

If not having sex is the goal, then you can pride yourself on that achievement while still watching pornography, reading erotic novels, lusting after others, having a masturbation habit, or talking incessantly and vulgarly about sex. But by sexual integrity standards, that’s corruption and hypocrisy.

Then there’s the hypocrisy of saying that sex is a gift from God within marriage, then getting married and avoiding sex like it’s a white elephant gift you would happily dispose of. Or demanding sex with your spouse in a way that shows neither mercy to your mate nor faithfulness to God.

Do you “consistently demonstrate good character by being free of corruption or hypocrisy” in the area of sexuality? If that doesn’t describe you, you can find true freedom—in Christ (see John 8:31-36)—and instead live out true sexual integrity.

Regardless of Circumstance or Consequences

Living with integrity ensures a reward from God. Consider these verses:

• “The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands He has repaid me” (Psalm 18:20).
• “One who pays attention to the word will find good, and blessed is one who trusts in the Lord” (Proverbs 16:20).
• “Blessed are those who hear the word of God and follow it” (Luke 11:28b).

However, some have taken the truth that obedience brings blessing and implied that the reward is tangible and immediate. For example, some spouses were promised that waiting until sex for marriage practically guaranteed fantastic sex in marriage. And if/when that didn’t happen, they felt they’d been sold a batch of snake oil. To be fair, they kinda had.

While waiting certainly improves your odds of better marital intimacy, sex in marriage is a complex relationship! Just because the tab-A, slot-B mechanics are straightforward doesn’t mean the human dynamics are without challenges. Nearly every marriage will face a struggle in this area at one time or another.

You may experience blessings within your marriage for your faithfulness, or you may experience trials for a short or a long time. Still, as the video explains, “Integrity is revealed when people act virtuously regardless of circumstance or consequences.”

And the blessings God promises are more about who we become and how God reconciles us to Him:

• “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ “(Ephesians 1:3).
• “Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him” (James 1:12).

Think about Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. You probably know them better by their Babylonian names: Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. These God-followers refused to bow down to an idol, but instead of receiving an immediate and tangible attaboy from Heaven, they got thrown into a fiery furnace so hot that it killed the guards who tossed them in. Before they were catapulted into the fire, however, they made this statement:

If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.

Daniel 3:17-18 (emphasis added)

Saved or not, they chose to do the right thing. That’s integrity.

Likewise, sexual integrity for the believer is doing the right thing whether it’s easy or difficult, whether it results in positive or negative (immediate) outcomes, whether it leads to sexual excitement the likes of which you cannot express or moments of loneliness and despair. THAT IS A HARD TEACHING, but it’s in line with how God has called us to live and serve Him in this world.

Sexual Integrity Comes from the Heart

I wish the word purity hadn’t been made, well, impure in its meaning for many Christians. In its best sense, pure means free of contamination or immorality.

Ideally, you never get tainted, but all kinds of substances that get contaminated can be purified. How much more can God return us to a pure state, no matter how little or large we failed! “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

Before marriage, God’s Word offers this prescription for purity, or sexual integrity:

How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.

Psalm 119:9

The goal isn’t abstinence, or any other single checklist item, but living according to God’s Word, seeking Him with all our heart. Yes, we should do the right things. But ultimately, sexual integrity isn’t about what you avoid but who you pursue.

And it’s never the wrong time to run into the Father’s arms.

Is Abstinence Before Marriage the Right Goal?: "Sexual integrity isn't about what we avoid but who we pursue. And it's never the wrong time to run into the Father's arms." @hotholyhumorous
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If you need some inspiration, this song came to mind as I was writing: Constant by Watermark.

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My presentation is on How Regular Is Your Romp? How Often Should You Make Love & Where to Find the Time. You can get the 2022 sex seminar only (regular price $35, only $20 with my unique link) or all three years of sex seminars (regular price $80, only $46 through my link). Discount appears at checkout—third screen.

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Hi J, let me start by saying I am sixteen and not married. I know that I do not really fit your qualifications for questions, but hear me out. First let me start out by saying that I am a victim of incest from my childhood. Which (I think) was the root emotional cause of a lot of sexual mistakes in the past few years, mainly in masturbation and pornography. It has been a bumpy road. But tonight I have been reading a lot of your posts about the sanctity of sex and how fun and wonderful it is for marriage- which I have always agreed with, but not always listened too. (Before I forget, thank you for being honest about good marital sex.) As I was saying, I know what I like- what works to get myself to orgasm. I have found redemption and forgiveness from God (PRAISE THE LORD) but I am concerned for my wedding night. Granted, that is a long way away considering no boyfriend and I am sixteen, but it is a concern. I am afraid that my wedding night won’t be as pleasurable for me, and in turn for him, because I will be impatient or that he isn’t doing it right. All of that already on top of the awkward/I don’t know what I am doing sex. I guess I don’t have my question in question format, but can you just help with… that stuff above?

The responsibility to teach children and teens about godly sexuality rests first and foremost with parents. The Book of Deuteronomy encourages parents many times to teach their children about God (e.g., see Deuteronomy 11:18-19). Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers,  do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” That training should include the Bible’s teachings on sexuality. However, not all parents are instructing their children in the Lord.

The Church also has a responsibility to teach the youth: “These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God” (Titus 2:4-5).

I responded initially to this young lady that “My blog is indeed primarily for married couples, and thus some of my posts are rather blunt for a 16 year old to be reading. However, if my own kid stumbled across such a blog someday, I would hope that she would glean that sex is beautiful and blessed by God in marriage and that staying pure beforehand will enhance that experience later. Moreover, I’d much rather she get perspective from a biblical blogger than the advice column of a Seventeen magazine.”

So while I do not invite teenagers to this site primarily for married wives, some will stumble upon here, and I pray that they find helpful instruction on staying pure before marriage and enjoying God’s gift of sexuality after marriage.

As the reader indicates, there isn’t a specific question, but here’s what I culled from her query:

1. She’s already had a rocky past in the sexual arena.

2. She has found a second chance for purity through God.

3. She is nervous about future marital intimacy due to lingering consequences of the past.

First, let me say that no one should ever use a child for their sexual pleasure. I am absolutely wrenched with sorrow at the thought that this young girl was a victim of incest. I wrote a post about painful pasts sometime ago (That Should Never Have Happened to You).

When the first sexual contact occurs in the context of force or incest, it can wreak havoc with your brain. Such confusion can lead children and adolescents to sex-seeking behaviors such as promiscuity, pornography, and excessive masturbation, as they try to sort through their experiences and feelings. So this young lady’s experience is not some outlier. This is all the more reason why Christians should actively fight against those who would deign to abuse children for their own sick pleasure. Believe me, God wants us to take those people on. (See Jeremiah 21:12).

But a bad beginning is never the whole story with God. I was thrilled to read the words “I have found redemption and forgiveness from God (PRAISE THE LORD).” And when we begin to live out God’s desire for sexuality in our lives, day in and day out, those experiences write a new story on the pages of our hearts.

A teen on God’s plan for sexual purity before marriage can anticipate a wonderful road ahead for marital intimacy. God wants us to experience His gift of sexual pleasure within the confines of a covenant relationship with our spouse. But like all kinds of others things in life, He can use this area to grow us into the people we should be.

So for the wedding night and beyond, teens (and singles) should keep in mind a few things:

The wedding night is the kickoff, not the whole game. If you’ve been anticipating the Super Bowl for a long time, there’s a buzz of excitement when the teams face off against each other, and a football is placed on the kicking tee. When the kicker slams his foot against the ball, the game has begun, and the crowds go wild. But the kickoff lasts for mere seconds while the game goes on for hours.

This is an apt comparison to the wedding night’s impact on a couple’s sex life. Is it a big deal? Yes. Is it the biggest deal? By no means! Like football, some wedding night kickoffs can soar with enthusiasm and others can dribble a few yards and stop. And neither is any guarantee that the game will go one way or the other. So take the pressure off the wedding night to be the most amazing experience ever. It may be good, it may be amazing, it may be “meh,” but it’s just the kickoff for the whole game of marital intimacy.

You have to learn how to have sex with each other. Regardless of how little or how much you know about sex going in, you will need to learn how to meld your two bodies together into the intimate experience God designed for married people to have. It’s important to focus on the two of you together and not simply the goal of climax.

It is easier for most people to bring themselves to orgasm through masturbation because they can immediately adjust stimulation to produce effective arousal. However, God wasn’t seeking ease of personal satisfaction when He designed sexuality for marriage. There are challenges in dealing with another person, gender differences in desire and arousal, and external factors that can impact your sex life (time, environment, etc.). As we address these challenges and learn how to show physical love to our spouse, we become less selfish (read “more like Christ”) and increase our intimacy in the marriage. The paradox is that when we each seek out one another’s sexual pleasure, own our pleasure can shoot through the roof.

Meaning it’s way better than your own hand. It may take longer to reach orgasm with your spouse, but the peak is higher and better because it happens in the context of that loving relationship and increasing intimacy.

You will need to prepare for sex (but not now). When you are closing in on your wedding night, you will need to gather more information and wisdom then. A young woman should see her gynecologist for a complete exam and ask for tips for her wedding night. A doctor can advise ways to make that first time more comfortable. The bride and groom should research and discuss contraceptive choices ahead of time.

A young bride should read up on her body, his body, and marital sexuality. Sheila Gregoire’s The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and Kevin Leman’s Sheet Music are two options. Remember that the most important education will happen there in the bedroom with husband and wife exploring one another and giving hands-on tutoring, but it can help to have some advance knowledge.

DON’T get started too early. It’s not a good idea to consume a lot of information about sex when you can’t have sex. That’s like a diabetic working in a candy store. Sure, you can walk by the candy store, ask a friend how the candy is, and long for the day you can stuff yourself silly with chocolate (oh, that diabetes would be cured). But you get the point: Don’t hang out in the store of sexuality when you can’t afford to buy.

For now, focus on you and God. Want to find Mr. Right? Focus on becoming Ms. Right. Too often we focus on finding our future mate and how great that life will be when we do. I am here to say that it is terrific, although marriage is not always easy. However, the best way to find a wonderful husband is to focus on your relationship with God . . . on letting him grow you into a woman worth far more than rubies (Proverbs 31:10) who will be her husband’s crown (Proverbs 12:4).

Stay pure. Seek wisdom. Remain in God’s Word. Know that you are beautiful and precious to your Heavenly Father. As a daughter of the King, you are a princess. Treat yourself and your body that way, by holding fast to purity and integrity.

For more about why you should wait for sex until marriage, I did a guest post on that topic for Preengaged.com which you can find HERE. (Their site is great for dating and engaged couples!)

The post Purity B4 Marriage, Sexual Intimacy After: Teen’s Q appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

This is a unusual for me, but rather than writing a post on why you should wait to have sex in marriage, I’m referring you to sources that discuss this topic. However, all four of these relate to me.

First, Preengaged from Eric and Heather Viets asked me to do a couple of guest blog posts for their site. Eric and Heather offer pre-engagement counseling, and their posts are particularly good for couples who are dating, engaged, or recently married. That said, I’ve been married a looooong time, and I get a lot of out reading what they discuss as well.

Back in August, I did a two-part article for their blog on Sex Before Marriage. I discussed eight reasons why it isn’t a good idea.

Sex Before Marriage, Part 1

Sex Before Marriage, Part 2

Second, another wonderful marriage resource is the Stupendous Marriage Show (which I’ve mentioned here before). Stu and Lisa Gray host this podcast and cover all kinds of marriage topics. In their program, they admitted to having lived together before getting hitched and said that they wished they had done it differently. Out of curiosity, I sent them the following email:

Stu & Lisa,

I have a question. You have mentioned several times on your Stupendous Marriage show that you lived together before marriage; however, you said that would do it differently if given the chance to do it over again. My question is: Why?

Is it merely the conviction that waiting until your wedding night would honor God more? Or do you think it hampered your relationship in some way? I know that studies show a higher divorce rate for those who have cohabited prior to marriage, but a lot of people still believe cohabitation is a good idea to try the waters out and get used to living with someone. What do you think?

Thanks so much for your ministry. It is a blessing to couples seeking stronger marriages.

J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

They did an excellent job of answering this very question in Stupendous Marriage Episode 27. Stu and Lisa then followed up with more commentary after receiving feedback from a listener. That conversation is in Stupendous Marriage Episode 28.

As you may know, I blew it on this front. My Personal Testimony is at the top of this page if you want to click it and learn more. However, I have figured out that God really does know what He’s talking about: Sexual intimacy is worth waiting for.

One more addition, which has nothing to do with me: Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum recently posted Should We Really Wait for Marriage to Make Love? Sheila has a lot of sound advice for women and marriage.

I’m also guest posting today at the Mystery 32 Blog on What’s So Beautiful about Marital Intimacy?

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