Finally, we’ve reached the last post in a four-part series about premarital sex. While I usually address sex in marriage, I received a question about whether the old rules about waiting until marriage still apply. Short answer: yes. Longer answer:

Part 1: What Does the Bible Say About Premarital Sex?
Part 2: “But What About…?”: Challenges to the Church’s Ban on Premarital Sex
Part 3: Is Abstinence Before Marriage the Right Goal?

Today, let’s look at how someone with God-given sexual interest can hold off until marriage and/or maintain sexual integrity throughout our lives.

Do You Want to Wait?

Nothing I say in this post will help you wait until marriage to have sex if you don’t really want to. The same is true for breaking off an affair, quitting pornography, addressing issues with lust, or changing problematic dynamics around sexual intimacy in your marriage.

You may wish you weren’t in the situation you’re in, yet also find sufficient pleasure in your situation that you secretly want to continue. In psychology (and medical fields), that’s called “secondary gain.” It can help to ask yourself how much you really want to maintain sexual integrity and what secondary gain you’re getting from the sin, struggle, or slip-ups you experience.

Now that doesn’t mean you need willpower of steel. Rather, the question is whether you have enough desire for God to work with. Because God won’t force obedience, but He will be there if you want Him.

Consider the story of a man at the Bethesda pool who’d been disabled for 38 years. Jesus approached him one day and asked, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:6). Oddly, the man doesn’t answer with an emphatic YES. Rather, “Sir…I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” In other words, “I’ve tried.”

If Jesus were a motivational speaker, he’d say, “That’s not good enough. You have to really want it! Only if you crave it with all your heart will you achieve your goals!” Thank goodness Christ wasn’t a motivational speaker but a savior. Instead, He cures the invalid and tells him to get up, pick up his mat, and walk. Jesus takes “I’ve tried” as being enough wanting that He can work with it to bring healing.

Of course, it will be easier to maintain sexual integrity if your whole heart and soul are dedicated to it, but God can also work with little to make it much more. You simply have to want sexual integrity enough to get started on your journey—to pick up your mat and take those first few steps.

TAKEAWAY: Ask how much you really want sexual integrity. What “secondary gain” (side benefit) would you or do you get from choosing a different path? Will you ask God to work with the desire you have and heal you the rest of the way?

Why Do You Want Sex Outside Marriage?

Obvious answers to that question include “because it feels good,” “because my body is screaming at me to have sex,” and “because I love him/her so much,” and those reasons make sense. However, for many people, the struggle to maintain sexual integrity is wedded to other, deeper causes.

Let me illustrate from my own life. Yes, sex felt good, and my first time was with a guy I cared for deeply. But also:

• I had poor body/self-image, and feeling sexually desired made me feel more attractive.
• I had a conflict-ridden relationship with my father and sought male affection elsewhere.
• I grew up in a church with some grace-filled people and some legalists. The legalists’ rules about dating frustrated me enough that I rebelled a little. Over time, a little became a lot.
• I learned about the hypocrisy of several older members of our church and reasoned that premarital sex was nowhere near as bad as extramarital affairs or sexual predation of minors.

Others’ reasons may be entirely different. I’ve known widowed Christians who don’t want to get married again but miss having sex, younger folks who want to finish their educational program before marrying but want to have sex, and one teenage girl who aimed at getting pregnant so her parents would let her marry her boyfriend and move out of her abusive household.

If you know the why, then you can address the why. Many times, premarital sex seems like the answer to your longing when it isn’t. For instance, having sex to get affection created all kinds of other fallout for me, and that teenage girl got pregnant, left her home, but became a struggling single mom soon after.

Even if your why is a good why, you can look for alternative ways to satisfy your longings and/or manage your desires.

TAKEAWAY: Beyond feelings of pleasure or wanting to be intimate with someone, why does sex outside marriage appeal to you? How could you meet those needs or desires in different ways?

How Can You Stand Firm?

Many times in my premarital promiscuous past, I longed to stop sinning and have sexual integrity. I had an understanding of God’s will and some desire to follow it, but no strategy. I’d get into a dicey situation and find myself saying yes when I’d planned to say no.

Speaking of strategy, John 8:1-11 tells the story of a woman caught in adultery and brought to Jesus for condemnation. Jesus simply tells her to “go and sin no more.” Have you ever thought, as I have, “Easier said than done!” Where was the 10-point plan for avoiding adultery? The affair recovery group? The 40 Days to a Sinless Sex Life self-help book?

Actually, all we need is in Scripture, if we’ll absorb what’s there and pray for guidance. Too often, however, churches have focused on extrabiblical measures as strategies for purity. Perhaps the biggest headscratcher I heard was a church camp that insisted teenage couples hold hands like pancakes instead of waffles. Um, because weaving fingers is too sexually tempting?

What strategies does the Bible suggest for sexual integrity? As covered in Part 3 of this series, the number one thing you can do is pursue an intimate relationship with God. Knowing God and being righteous are intimately intertwined. As Psalm 119:10 says, “I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.”

After that, consider what you’re doing with your:

EYES. Do you consistently view bared bodies or sex scenes? You may need to change your viewing habits and/or introduce filtering software. That’s the modern-day equivalent of not going down the street of the adulterous woman (Proverbs 7:1-9).

But also, are you looking at the opposite more than body parts or eye candy…as children of God? Jesus’s approach, even to a sinful woman, was to look deeper and see the person behind the appearance (see On “Pigs,” Good Men, and the Difference).

MIND. Here’s a sampling of what Scripture says about our minds:

• “Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads” (Deuteronomy 11:18).
• “Test me, Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness” (Psalm 26:2-3).
• “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind’” (Matthew 22:37).
• “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires” (Romans 8:5).
• “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:2).

When you find yourself thinking about doing something outside sexual integrity, fix God’s Word in your mind, consider God’s unfailing love and faithfulness, remind yourself that you want to love God with all your mind, set your thoughts on what the Spirit desires and things above.

It’s not enough to keep telling yourself not to think about sexual temptation. That works about as well as telling someone to close their eyes and not imagine a large rabbit. What immediately pops into their head? A large rabbit. Instead, replace the thoughts you don’t want with thoughts you do want.

HEART. The heart is implicated nearly every time someone strays from God’s commands. The Bible speaks of hardening one’s heart, losing heart, not taking God’s word to heart, turning away one’s heart, having pride in one’s heart. And Jesus said that “out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19).

Is your heart where it should be in relationship to God? And what is your heart toward others? You may not have a sexual temptation problem as much as a heart problem.

But God can help with that too: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 26:36).

BODY. If you take care of your eyes, mind, and heart, you may not even need this part, because choices about what to do with your body will come more easily. But God made us sexual beings, and our physiology responds to sexual cues. Also, while working on those other pieces, you may need to focus especially on this piece, which is don’t put your body at risk.

As 1 Corinthians 6:18 reminds us, “Flee from sexual immorality.” That’s a move-your-body command.

In my case, my body didn’t need to be sitting in a dark car, in an isolated area, and passionately kissing my date. That was a recipe for disaster. But while that’s a pretty clear nope, the line you need to draw and the line someone else needs to draw may not be the same. Perhaps you need more distance from your date while someone else can cuddle at the movies and have no problem. But be honest with yourself! Don’t do that “in a perfect world, I can resist XYZ.” Fess up to where your boundaries should be and keep them.

TAKEAWAY: Where does your struggle come from: eyes, mind, heart, body, or all of the above? Think through how you can guard each to maintain holiness. Make a plan.

Will You Do What It Takes?

Long before the man at the Bethesda pool, there was another man who desired healing. Naaman, an army commander, had leprosy, and Elisha was called to heal him. Elisha told Naaman to dip seven times in the Jordan River. Naaman was furious, not only because “I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy” (2 Kings 5:11), but also because “Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?” (v. 12). But then:

Naaman’s servants went to him and said, “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’?

2 Kings 5:13

So Naaman steps way outside his comfort zone, dips in the Jordan seven times, and “his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy” (v.14).

I think we’re a lot like Naaman when it comes to having sexual integrity. We want to be fully restored and clean, but we balk at doing the uncomfortable things that it will take to get there. Consider some of these choices that could help us reach sexual integrity but would cause discomfort in the moment or for a time:

AVOID. If you’re having sexual thoughts about someone who isn’t your spouse, you likely need to avoid certain situations with them. Marriages have broken up because a spouse had an affair with someone at work, but typically they spent a lot of time with their affair partner before having sex. Why were they alone so often with someone of the opposite sex?

Alternately, why snuggle with your girlfriend or boyfriend on the couch with no one else around? Why have easy access to pornography that you need to shut down? What do you need to actively avoid?

CONFESS. Confessing about your struggle and inviting help can make a big difference, but we worry that we’ll be shamed for being tempted or crossing lines.

In fairness, people have been shamed for that, and then they keep quiet and keep struggling. The better move is to find a different person, someone who will listen and agree to help you stay on the right path. There are trustworthy Christians, but I admit you may have to search a bit to find the right person to confess to. Still, it’s worth it.

SEEK ACCOUNTABILITY. Beyond confession, you may need someone to regularly report to about your difficulties. Yes, this can make you feel supervised, but it’s often just for a time until you develop good habits.

If you don’t want to enter a support group or have an accountability partner, consider seeing a quality Christian counselor who can help and is legally bound to maintain your confidentiality.

GRIEVE. No one wants to go through grief, but this could be the uncomfortable step you need to take. More and more in my life, I see the benefit of grieving what you want but can’t have, or your past that set you on a poor path, or choices you made that hurt God, yourself, and others. Too often, we don’t sit in that sadness long enough and lament where we are.

But only by going through mourning can we reach the other side. “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing” (Psalm 30:11). Go ahead and grieve.

START OVER. Thank goodness for Peter. He’s the believer I most understand, because he had zeal for the cause but kept messing up. But every time he made a mistake, small or huge, he sought out Christ, learned something, and started over. Peter got Jesus’s 70 X 7 forgiveness and became a rock of faithfulness.

Did you blow it? Go to God, ask for forgiveness, listen to Him better, and try again. As I said before, God’s not thinking, “Well, he’s no longer a virgin, so we’re done with Him.” Rather, He can wash you clean every single time. Now don’t go sinning so that grace may abound (Romans 6:1), but don’t waste weeks, months, years beating yourself up when God just wants to set you on the right path and let you get to living with greater integrity.

TAKEAWAY: Resolve to take those actions that feel awkward, difficult, or even silly to others to preserve your sexual integrity. If/when your resolve wavers, pray for strength and wisdom from God and get back on the right path.

Will You Embrace Repentance and Redemption?

Humility is where my own journey of repentance and redemption began. I sought God’s amazing grace when I admitted that He could save a “wretch like me.” Maybe you don’t feel like a wretch, but I don’t know anyone who’s had a 100% perfect track record in the area of sexual integrity. We could all use a little humility to approach God, seek repentance, and accept redemption.

Wherever you are with premarital sex or extramarital sex or pornography or adultery or what-have-you, it’s worth asking:

1. Do I have any sexual sin or struggles that I need God’s help with?
2. Will I let Him redeem me and embrace His forgiveness?

If you’ve made wrong choices, you may have consequences to face. But please know that God isn’t holding your sin over you or wanting you to have a difficult sex life in marriage because of sin in your past or struggles in your present.

I’m living proof of God’s goodness in the area of sexual sinfulness. But for His redemption and forgiveness, I don’t know where I’d be. Since I have them, though, I know where I am: in a hot and holy marriage, with a ministry to wives and couples, and, most importantly, made pure in Christ.

Let me close with this: Please share what encouragement or strategies have worked for you or others in maintaining sexual integrity. You may come upon something I didn’t think of that would be golden advice to someone else.

Related posts worth reading:
Sexual Disintegrity – My Journey Toward Sexual Wholeness #1 | The Forgiven Wife
5 Lies That Make Sexual Purity More Difficult – Boundless | Juli Slattery
“Just Get Married”: The Worst Advice for the Sexually Struggling | Phylicia Masonheimer

The post How to Maintain Sexual Integrity Before, and After, Marriage appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Welcome to the third installment of a series on premarital sex. In Part 1, we looked at what the Bible says about premarital sex. In Part 2, we addressed challenges to the Church’s ban on premarital sex. I intended the third post to be about how to maintain sexual integrity, but then I realized I needed a post to explain what sexual integrity is and how it blesses us. So, I’ll get to the practical how next week!

Does Abstinence Matter?

Teens and singles have often been encouraged to stay a virgin, maintain one’s purity, and/or practice abstinence. I’ve encouraged it too. It’s the biblical position that sex should be reserved for one’s spouse; thus, having sex outside of marriage is not God’s design.

However, a singular focus on abstinence before marriage has left a lot to be desired. It’s led to people erecting unbiblical boundaries to hold their virgin status—from doing everything but the deed to avoiding any physical contact with one’s intended, and many options in between. It’s left people feeling judged for past behaviors, current mistakes, or even stray thoughts. (See Where Purity Culture Got It Wrong, Let’s Get It Right.) It hasn’t always addressed other sexual sin, such as pornography and/or lusting. (See What Is Lusting?) And it’s put so much focus on what happens before marriage to the exclusion of what purity looks like in all seasons of life.

Thankfully, many Christian marriage writers and speakers have recently talked more about having sexual integrity. Why sexual integrity?

This one-minute video from the McCombs School of Business at the University of Texas explains integrity well. (Please be sure to watch!)

Using the video’s main points, sexual integrity for a Christian might be defined, then, as:

• Doing what’s right for the specific season they’re in, which could involve abstinence, engaging regularly and solely with one’s spouse, or showing self-control while working on healing and restoration.
• Understanding, accepting, and choosing to live according to God’s design for sexual intimacy.
• Avoiding corruption or hypocrisy (something too many believers haven’t done while yet preaching abstinence).
• Following God’s plan for sexual integrity whether it’s easy or difficult and whether tangibly rewarded or not.

Doing What’s Right

For years before I did “the deed,” I was a technical virgin. That is, I had not had intercourse and presumably, therefore, retained my V-card. But I hadn’t avoided sexual activity altogether. Like many other teenagers, I wanted to know how far I could go and then put the tips of my toes right on that line.

If only I’d understood that “How far is too far?” is the wrong question. Rather, we should ask, “What’s right?” or rather “What’s righteous?” What really honors God?

Is Abstinence Before Marriage the Right Goal? "'How far is too far?' is the wrong question. Rather, we should ask, 'What's right?' or rather 'What's righteous?' What really honors God?" @hotholyhumorous
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Once we focus on doing what’s right, our choices become clearer. Especially when our views of righteousness are less informed by object lessons about “soul ties” (which I don’t believe, by the way) or strictures regarding modesty than biblical principles. For instance, look at these passages:

• “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23).
• “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
• “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

Based on those concepts, one can see that pushing sexual boundaries before marriage is not righteous, but withholding affection and intimacy during marriage is also problematic. Moreover, it’s not just what we do with our bodies, but with our minds, hearts, and eyes as well. Are we honoring God with how we look at others? How we treat them? How we demonstrate love? Such precepts can clear up a lot of fuzziness.

But as Christians in community, we should additionally ask: Are we honoring God to deny compassion, forgiveness, and support for those who failed but want to do better? Shouldn’t we be helping everyone, regardless of their current circumstance or past sin, to embrace sexual integrity?

Living by One’s Principles

Legalism has always existed among God’s people. Those wanting to know what’s okay and what’s not okay can find others willing to provide a ready-made list of dos and don’ts. Now, some of those dos and don’ts may indeed reflect God’s design, but even when they do, they can miss the main point.

Just look at what Jesus Christ said to the legalists of His time:

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.

Matthew 23:23

Jesus agreed there were rules, but He wanted the spotlight where it belongs: on living according to godly principles.

If there was a passage about abstinence in the same vein, we might imagine that Jesus would say that not having sex outside marriage is good but insufficient. Checking that box means little if we don’t also live out justice, mercy, and faithfulness. It isn’t simply what we do or don’t do, but rather who we are as people of sexual integrity before God.

When we live by godly principles, it’s easier both to follow the rules—the dos and don’ts that apply to all situations—and to discern what’s wise and good in specific situations where the answers may be less cut-and-dry.

Free of Corruption or Hypocrisy

Far too often, it comes to light that a pastor who preached abstinence before marriage is involved in a sex scandal himself. We can scream about the corruption and hypocrisy of such folks—and we should—but a lot of believers have engaged in their own secret sin regarding sexuality.

If not having sex is the goal, then you can pride yourself on that achievement while still watching pornography, reading erotic novels, lusting after others, having a masturbation habit, or talking incessantly and vulgarly about sex. But by sexual integrity standards, that’s corruption and hypocrisy.

Then there’s the hypocrisy of saying that sex is a gift from God within marriage, then getting married and avoiding sex like it’s a white elephant gift you would happily dispose of. Or demanding sex with your spouse in a way that shows neither mercy to your mate nor faithfulness to God.

Do you “consistently demonstrate good character by being free of corruption or hypocrisy” in the area of sexuality? If that doesn’t describe you, you can find true freedom—in Christ (see John 8:31-36)—and instead live out true sexual integrity.

Regardless of Circumstance or Consequences

Living with integrity ensures a reward from God. Consider these verses:

• “The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands He has repaid me” (Psalm 18:20).
• “One who pays attention to the word will find good, and blessed is one who trusts in the Lord” (Proverbs 16:20).
• “Blessed are those who hear the word of God and follow it” (Luke 11:28b).

However, some have taken the truth that obedience brings blessing and implied that the reward is tangible and immediate. For example, some spouses were promised that waiting until sex for marriage practically guaranteed fantastic sex in marriage. And if/when that didn’t happen, they felt they’d been sold a batch of snake oil. To be fair, they kinda had.

While waiting certainly improves your odds of better marital intimacy, sex in marriage is a complex relationship! Just because the tab-A, slot-B mechanics are straightforward doesn’t mean the human dynamics are without challenges. Nearly every marriage will face a struggle in this area at one time or another.

You may experience blessings within your marriage for your faithfulness, or you may experience trials for a short or a long time. Still, as the video explains, “Integrity is revealed when people act virtuously regardless of circumstance or consequences.”

And the blessings God promises are more about who we become and how God reconciles us to Him:

• “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ “(Ephesians 1:3).
• “Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him” (James 1:12).

Think about Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. You probably know them better by their Babylonian names: Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. These God-followers refused to bow down to an idol, but instead of receiving an immediate and tangible attaboy from Heaven, they got thrown into a fiery furnace so hot that it killed the guards who tossed them in. Before they were catapulted into the fire, however, they made this statement:

If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.

Daniel 3:17-18 (emphasis added)

Saved or not, they chose to do the right thing. That’s integrity.

Likewise, sexual integrity for the believer is doing the right thing whether it’s easy or difficult, whether it results in positive or negative (immediate) outcomes, whether it leads to sexual excitement the likes of which you cannot express or moments of loneliness and despair. THAT IS A HARD TEACHING, but it’s in line with how God has called us to live and serve Him in this world.

Sexual Integrity Comes from the Heart

I wish the word purity hadn’t been made, well, impure in its meaning for many Christians. In its best sense, pure means free of contamination or immorality.

Ideally, you never get tainted, but all kinds of substances that get contaminated can be purified. How much more can God return us to a pure state, no matter how little or large we failed! “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

Before marriage, God’s Word offers this prescription for purity, or sexual integrity:

How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.

Psalm 119:9

The goal isn’t abstinence, or any other single checklist item, but living according to God’s Word, seeking Him with all our heart. Yes, we should do the right things. But ultimately, sexual integrity isn’t about what you avoid but who you pursue.

And it’s never the wrong time to run into the Father’s arms.

Is Abstinence Before Marriage the Right Goal?: "Sexual integrity isn't about what we avoid but who we pursue. And it's never the wrong time to run into the Father's arms." @hotholyhumorous
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If you need some inspiration, this song came to mind as I was writing: Constant by Watermark.

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