3 Things Every Wife Should Know About Sex

Thu, 01 Jun 2023 23:08:58 +0000

What should a wife know about sex? Well, lots of things, including how Tab A fits into Slot B. ~grin~ But with 12+ years of ministering to wives and couples regarding sexual intimacy in marriage, a few important points rise to the top. Here are three things I believe every wife should know about sex.

1. You Were Made in God’s Image.

The older I get, the more favorite Bible verses I have. In my Top 10 might well be:

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
Genesis 1:27

That one verse is bursting with truths that make a huge difference in how we live our lives … if only we believe them. God—the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Master of the Universe—created us. As if that isn’t cool enough, He made us in His own image! So, our very existence testifies to who God is, including the beauty and intimacy inherent in His person. And He expressed His image in two same-but-different aspects—male and female—that when brought together represent Him even more. Mind. Blown.

But what does any of that mean when it comes to women and sex? Well, it means that we are an integral part of the equation. Our feminine nature—displayed through our bodies, our minds, and our hearts—has value. And if we want to honor our Creator, we’ll own that truth.

Too often, we don’t value ourselves as much as God does. So, we don’t like our bodies, we don’t speak up for what we want sexually, and we don’t value our contribution to the sexual relationship we have with our husbands.

As the saying goes, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking about yourself less.” When we feel secure in God’s love and embrace our inherent worth as a daughter of the King, then we can let go of thinking about ourselves so much and simply enjoy the experience of pleasure and intimacy with a loving husband.

Let’s live out made in his image, even in the bedroom.

Struggling with this?

2. Sex Should Feel Good.

While playing Spouse-Ology, a newlywed board game, with our son and daughterish, we received a question that began with the scenario of “if you were going on a 10-day camping trip” and then a follow-up about which you’d rather do. Spock and I won that round by playing an off-script token that allowed us to choose an answer not in the multiple-choice list. That answer? J. Parker would never go on a 10-day camping trip. Leave me at the posh hotel and pick me back up after your masochistic adventure of self-deprivation!

Some of you are screaming at me right now, because you can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t love camping. And for y’all, here’s a tip: You can’t convince me to enjoy camping with stories about how much you like it, or with a slightly different suggestion (“Try a mini-camper!” “Go to this national park!”), or encouragement to “Go anyway, because you’ll make great memories with your family.” I went camping with my Boy Scout son, because I love him, but I stopped as soon as he left Scouts.

Why am I telling you about my camping aversion? Because for some wives, sex doesn’t feel good. It hurts, or it doesn’t do much for you, or you end up with an infection afterward, or you feel used. And no one telling you how much they like it, or offering a slightly different suggestion, or telling you to do it anyway because it’s good for marriage will convince you that sex can give you pleasure. If you haven’t experienced it, then why would you believe that things could change?

But I will posit two things, one that I don’t currently believe and one that you don’t currently believe: Camping should be fun, and sex should feel good. And for each of us to believe that, the experience itself must change.

Thus, our first question is: Why don’t you enjoy it? Once you answer that, you can begin to explore answers and pursue healing to bring you to a better place. Your journey might involve a visit to your healthcare provider, a conversation with your husband, individual or marital counseling, fresh tips and techniques for arousal and pleasure, figuring out orgasm, recovering from past trauma, addressing your husband’s or your own pornography use, or something else entirely.

Why don’t you enjoy [sex]? Once you answer that, you can begin to explore answers and pursue healing to bring you to a better place.

The reason I don’t enjoy camping isn’t the same reason others don’t enjoy it. For instance, mosquitoes rarely bite me, so that’s not my issue. But lack of plumbing? Oh yeah, that’s something that would need addressing for me.

Figure out what you need to address regarding sex in your marriage and take that first step.

Struggling with this?

3. Your Sexuality Matters.

Too often in Christian circles (and secular ones too), sex has been discussed a man’s desire and a husband’s privilege. Plenty of resources messaged to wives that their calling was to engage in sex for the sake of their husband and their marriage. Even my own blog began in great part as an attempt to convince wives who weren’t having enough sex in their marriage why it was a worthwhile endeavor (though I never suggested she had to have sex, much less bad sex!).

Through the years, I’ve seen how misguided it is to set the husband’s drive as the standard for sex in a marriage. God designed sex to be mutually desired and satisfying, meaning that the sex life that a couple builds should reflect both of them. Defining sex according to what he wants left far too many wives feeling obligated, used, and/or less valued. And 20–25% of wives couldn’t express their full sexuality because they had married a lower drive husband.

God designed sex to be mutually desired and satisfying, meaning the sex life that a couple builds should reflect both of them. Defining sex according to what he wants left far too many wives feeling obligated, used, and/or less valued.

Please hear this, wife: Your sexuality matters just as much as his!

You should both know how your desire and your body work. Your sexual frequency should be negotiated to fit both spouses’ needs and the good of the marriage. Your sexual repertoire should include activities you want or are willing to try. Your pleasure and orgasm should also be prioritized.

Bedroom tango should involve two dance partners moving in sync.

Struggling with this?

While these three principles aren’t the only ones I could suggest (Hey, I have >1000 posts here), embracing these foundational beliefs can lay the foundation for wonderful sexual intimacy in your marriage.

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3 Things Every Wife Should Know About Sex

1. You Were Made in God’s Image.

2. Sex Should Feel Good.

3. Your Sexuality Matters.