Have you heard of the orgasm gap? It refers to the difference in how often men versus women achieve orgasm.

Specifically, women don’t reach climax as often as men do. One 2018 study put it at 95% to 65%, while a more recent study suggested that lifetime orgasm rates ranged from 70% to 85% for men and 46% to 58% for women.” Regardless, that’s a 24–30% difference between men and women reaching the pinnacle of pleasure.

I, and many others, have spilled a fair amount of ink—not literally, but you get the point—addressing the disparity in sexual pleasure between men and women.

BUT that doesn’t mean men’s orgasms don’t matter. They matter a lot!

God Created Sex to Be Pleasurable

Declaring that sex should be highly pleasurable for wives shouldn’t take anything from husbands. Rather, husbands’ pleasure is important too. Not according to me, but according to God. Note these scriptures:

May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18–19

How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice!

Song of Songs 4:10

How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
    my love, with your delights!

Song of Songs 7:6

Part of that pleasure involves reaching climax. It’s not a necessary ingredient for every sexual encounter, but—if at all possible—it should happen more often not.

God created sex to involve climax, and not just for reproductive purposes. Orgasm releases several body chemicals that can make us feel more connected, committed, and satisfied with our spouse. That pleasurable moment can lead to longer-term benefits for your marriage.

Husbands Struggle with Orgasm Too

You’ve surely seen the erectile dysfunction ads. They typically feature older men, suggesting that struggles with erection and climax are mostly due to aging. But while it is true that older men struggle more, it’s not just them.

Most men at some in their life–and sometimes for most or all of their life—experience difficulty climaxing. Those men may think much like the wives who’ve had ongoing orgasm problems feel: that sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Or that they’ve been cheated.

Indeed, the inspiration for this blog post came from what one husband shared with me: “I have been married nearly 46 years and I still have trouble with [orgasm]. I have never understood why sex is supposed to be so good.” I hear you, good sir, and I’m sad that you’ve had such trouble.

So let’s address how male orgasm happens, what it feels like, and what to do if it doesn’t come easily for you.

What Happens with Male Orgasm?

Physiologically, speaking, a male orgasm involves:

• a brief but intense peak of subjective pleasure
• involuntary rhythmic contractions of the muscles around the penis and pelvis
• heightened sensation in the body, especially genitals
• narrowed attention and even alteration in consciousness

It typically also results in ejaculation, but orgasm and ejaculation are actually separate things. They usually occur together, but not always.

Not all climaxes are the same. For instance, while solo masturbation can produce more “rewarding” orgasms—think physical satisfaction—men report enjoying more intense orgasms within a sexual relationship. What makes an orgasm with his wife better than his hand? It’s experienced as more emotional, sensually intense, and intimate.[1]

This tracks completely with husbands who’ve reached out to tell me they don’t want to satisfy their urges through masturbation, even when a wife says, “Go ahead.” Sometimes they do it anyway (to take off the edge), but they would much rather have regular sexual intimacy with the woman they committed to and love. They want the emotional, sensual, and intimate orgasms.

Which brings me to what it feels like for him. You can find descriptions of what’s happening physiologically. Basically, something sexually stimulating triggers the brain’s emotional and desire centers (hypothalamus and limbic system), the nervous system sends messages to the penis to relax (yes, that is the penis’s relaxed state), and it fills with blood to become an erection. From there, it’s a matter of more stimulation, through rhythmic friction on or around the penis, until the orgasmic state is reached and ejaculation may happen as well.[2] How very clinical.

What Does Male Orgasm Feel Like?

Not being a man, I don’t know what orgasm feels like to him. But here’s how some men have described it.

• “A pressure builds and keeps building until you can’t hold it in anymore.”
• “Depending on the situation, it’s either a slow or quick buildup, followed by an insane explosion that lasts three to five seconds.”
• “It’s a joyful release of tension; not bad tension, positive tension.”
• “It’s like a whole body and mind numbness, where, for a few brief seconds, you strangely feel both helpless yet in complete control, mentally vacant while the entirety of your tactile sense rushes to a single point of exit.”
• “It’s like this climax that you’re passing on to someone else—this intense feeling that’s happening when you’re literally in another person. There’s nothing that makes me feel more vulnerable.”

When I read these descriptions, I was struck with how similar it sounds to the female experience. As you’re increasingly aroused, pressure builds and builds until you feel an “explosion” or “release of tension.” And you also experience a “whole body and mind numbness” that feels vulnerable and like sharing something special with your beloved.

It made me wonder what God is trying to say to us about the sexual relationship between husband and wife that represents His desire to connect with us. (See Ephesians 5:31–32.) Release, surrender, vulnerability, intimacy. Are these feelings we should have in our connection with Him?

Regardless, orgasm seems to be an enjoyable and intimate experience in marriage—one worth pursuing for both spouses when possible.

What to Do When Orgasm Isn’t Working?

Achieving orgasm can become more difficult as men age, but getting older is hardly the only time husbands experience orgasm difficulties. A number of issues can make it difficult to reach climax. Male orgasm problems include:

• Dry orgasm due to an enlarged prostate, sperm duct blockage, bladder or prostate surgery complications, certain medications, or other issues. Orgasm is still happening, but without ejaculate (which releases but tends to fall back into the bladder rather than eject from the penis), it may feel less satisfying or complete.
• Anorgasmia, which is the inability to orgasm, for any number of reasons including hypertension, diabetes, anxiety or depression, trauma, and stress.
• Premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, though strictly speaking, these are ejaculatory issues rather than orgasmic ones. Even so, they affect the male experience of orgasm.

What to do depends on what’s happening and the reason behind it. If the cause is physical, the treatment is often physical as well. For instance, if medications are causing orgasmic difficulties, then asking your doctor if there are alternatives might be the next step. Or you may not realize you’re having hypertension or experiencing Type 2 diabetes until you see a medical practitioner who gives you the right tests to discover the problem—both of which are treatable. This is why my advice to people is almost always to start with a visit to your healthcare provider. (See Struggling with Sex in Marriage? Here’s What To Do First.)

But sometimes, what you’re experiencing is psychosomatic. That word does not mean it’s all in your head! Rather, it means that something going on in your psyche—your mind and/or emotions—is having an effect on your body. Your symptoms are real, physical issues (such as an inability to climax), but the source is something like stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, or relationship problems. It could also be something like shame from pornography use or infidelity in your marriage. In this case, the answer is to address that underlying issue. You might benefit from seeking the help of a trained coach or counselor.

Another issue I’ve read and heard about quite often is men having trained their bodies to respond to extreme stimuli rather than regular sexual intimacy with a real-life woman. Experts coined the term pornography-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) to describe men who no longer experience satisfying sex with a partner because their brains have been rewired to desire porn (often harder and harder core) and self-stimulation.

The answer to this situation is to stop all sexual activity, let the body go through withdrawal and reset, and then reinitiate sex with the wife, who must be ready and willing before engagement, under very different circumstances. I don’t pretend to know all that should happen in this scenario, so I will simply point men to such resources as:

• Aldrich Ministries – unwanted sexual behaviors coaching
• Be Broken – overcoming pornography addiction or other unwanted sexual behaviors.
• XXXChurch – break porn habits, overcome shame, and adopt a healthy view of sex.
• Samson Society – an online community for men seeking healing from sex and porn addiction or unwanted behaviors.

What Does His Orgasm Mean to Her?

Sad to say, some wives aren’t that concerned about their husbands’ orgasms. Some have experienced emotional pain in this area, but others just don’t believe it’s that important. But for those wives who have a healthy relationship to sex—and if you don’t, please listen to our podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives—his orgasm is pretty great.

It indicates that he’s reached a pinnacle of pleasure. And sometimes—don’t count on it, but it can happen—his climactic spasms can trigger not only pleasure but climax for her.

That said, some wives feel they’ve met their own obligations or their desire for his satisfaction when he climaxes. And if he doesn’t reach climax, she can wonder if she’s a desirable or effective lover.

Husbands, please reassure your wives that your orgasm isn’t the only reason you’re there. Hey, I’m all for you reaching climax! But good-willed husbands tell me again and again that it’s the closeness with their wives that matters most. You may need to say that aloud to your lovely wife.

Wives, please remember that our hearts and bodies aren’t always aligned. He might have loved being naked, aroused, and intimate with you … yet somehow his body didn’t cooperate with climax. If you’re feeling let down by him not having that “explosion,” lean towards compassion. He might even be embarrassed that it didn’t happen, and your reassuring response could help him relax and feel ready for the next sexual encounter—when an orgasm might happily appear.

 Summing It All Up…

Husbands’ orgasms matter! I can say that without diminishing my call to close the orgasm gap for wives. In fact, drawing attention to husbands who struggle with climax can provide a touchpoint for us understanding one another better. Any spouse—male or female—should experience orgasm more often than not.

That’s a biblical perspective, which you can find in both 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 and Song of Songs. Husband and wife should both be interested in, engaged with, and satisfied by their sexual encounters.

If a husband isn’t experiencing or enjoying orgasm, maybe it’s time to ask why. That should likely start with a healthcare provider, but it might also involve looking into one’s history, present practices, and marital relationship, as well as reaching out to a trustworthy coach or counselor.

[1] Muñoz-García, L.E., Gómez-Berrocal, C. & Sierra, J.C. Evaluating the Subjective Orgasm Experience Through Sexual Context, Gender, and Sexual Orientation. Arch Sex Behav 52, 1479–1491 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02493-3

[2] Britt, Tabitha. “Male Orgasm: Physiology, Phases, Disorders, and Treatment.” Edited by Jamin Brahmbhatt. EverydayHealth.com, July 25, 2025. https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/the-male-orgasm.aspx.

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One man I dated before meeting my wonderful husband told me about a scary incident from his childhood. He was nine years old, kicking around outside a neighborhood grocery store, and was grabbed by an adult man who pulled him to the back alley, yanked his pants down, and attempted to penetrate his anus. My friend told me that he’d never squeezed his butt cheeks so hard in all his life, and thankfully, something interrupted the would-be rapist and made him run off.

It was a traumatizing event. But sexual assault, abuse, and harassment happen every day, every hour, every minute … to boys.

That abuse takes its toll on the individual and on his marriage. Some of you are struggling right now with the consequences of a husband having been sexually abused—and you may or may not know it.

Was the husband in your marriage abused?

Men are much less likely to report sexual abuse and acknowledge its impact. They may have labeled what happened to them as unpleasant without realizing it rose to the level of abuse.* Some men don’t even recall what happened, their minds having blocked it out to keep them from dwelling on that horrible experience.

Thus, many husbands don’t admit to their wives, or even to themselves, that they were victims of sexual abuse. Or they downplay how it affected their sexuality. After all, if they are attracted to their wife and can complete the sex act, how bad could it be?

But not addressing past trauma means you’re probably missing out on having a better sex life than what you’ve known. And past abuse can lead to persistent pornography use, low sex drive or periodic performance issues, hypersexuality, tension and shame in the bedroom, and/or difficulty being emotionally vulnerable and intimate.

Sweeping past sexual abuse under the rug doesn’t make it disappear. It just makes a lump that can trip you (both) up.

If you’re curious about the things that happened to you, and whether they were simply difficult or perhaps abuse, a book like The Wounded Heart by Dan B. Allender could help.

How common is abuse of boys?

As with girls, abuse of boys is far too prevalent. Experts estimate that 1 in 6 boys will experience sexual abuse. I’m skeptical at times of statistics that get batted around, so I went digging for what went into that number. From the studies I found, it seems pretty solid.

Where there could be some debate is how we define sexual abuse. The 1-in-6 statistic describes it as “experiences in which children are subjected to unwanted sexual contact involving force, threats, or a large age difference between the child and the other person (which involves a big power differential and exploitation).” Sexual abuse can include fondling, penetration, exposure, forced masturbation, oral-to-genital contact, child pornography, or prostitution.

While my friend’s story involved a stranger, the vast majority of time, sexual abuse is perpetrated by a family member, friend, or acquaintance. And while the perpetrator is more often male, it can certainly be a female.

So if you were sexually abused as a boy, or if this is your husband’s story, you are (or he is) not alone. If that guy went to a men’s retreat with 50 guys, seven others present could relate. It’s awful that it’s so many! But it’s also good to realize that plenty of other men know what it was to go through awfulness … and you can help one another heal.

Are you ready to heal?

My father died 10 years ago, so I can’t confirm this, but I’m 99% convinced that he was sexually abused as a child. He had too many wounds in this area that make the most sense if he experienced that kind of trauma. But he never talked about it. He never got help. He had two marriages fall apart.

In contrast, I’m inspired by the story of Joe Buchanan, cohost of Behind Our Smiles. He and his wife Tara talk about marriage overall on their podcast, but he’s addressed the sexual abuse he experienced as a child, and Tara has spoken on our podcast about it (Helping Your Husband Heal – Sex Chat for Christian Wives). It took time, but he was able to speak honestly with his wife about what had happened and get the support he needed.

Many other men have discovered hope and healing. It’s not an easy road to walk, but it’s so much better than staying stuck. By getting help, making the effort, and staying with it, you’re taking a path toward sexual freedom and wholeness. And the sexual intimacy in your marriage could become deeper and more meaningful than ever.

One of my readers shared his own personal account of childhood sexual abuse and building something better with God’s help. I was originally going to link to that post (Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse: One Powerful Story), but when I rewatched the video and felt convicted that I needed to include it here. This man has been there and can speak better to other men than I can.

You may want to start by seeking outside help (such as trauma-informed counselors or mentors), or you may want to start by sharing with your wife that you were sexually abused. That depends on you and your circumstances. But you don’t have to dump everything at once. You can simply begin to tell your story, knowing that you can take your time to let it all come out. You’ll likely find compassion and support from your wife, who hurts for the little boy you were and wants you to be the man God created you to be. And God will be there to in the pit and the pain, ready to restore what’s been broken.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Looking for professional help? I highly recommend Brad Aldrich of Aldrich Ministries, who has worked with men in this area. And for more information on abuse of boys, here are some sources I found while researching this article:

• Support for Men Healing from Sexual Abuse | 1in6
• Get the Facts About Sexual Violence Against Men & Boys – RAINN
• Fact Sheet: Sexual Abuse of Boys | Prevent Child Abuse America
• Jim Hopper, Ph.D. | Statistics on Sexual Abuse of Boys
• Statistics on Child Abuse — GRACE

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Sometimes we want to give our sex intimacy in marriage a boost, but we don’t quite know how to get things going. As women, we can have an even harder time initiating sex, because it feels so … awkward.

But there are so many ways to let your husband know you want to make love—tonight. And I’ve put together a list of 40!

Before I begin, I want to give a caveat to the higher desire wives out there. Some of you are just a bit more charged up than your husband, but if you can get things going, he’ll be right there with you. If that’s you, most of these suggestions will work. Other higher desire wives have to put more effort to get their guy on board, in which case the more direct forms of sexual initiation are more likely to result in success. And some of you higher desire wives have unwilling husbands. If you’re in this last group, I’d suggest skipping this post and reading my book, The Higher Desire Wife: Understanding and Help for Christian Women Navigating Mismatched Sex Drives.

And now for the 40 ways to initiate sex with your husband.

Subtle Approaches

1. Greet him with a passionate kiss. Go above and beyond your usual hello smooch and put more oomph into it.
2. Send the kids to grandma’s. Make space and time for you two to be alone together and see what happens.
3. Put on your intimacy playlist. Set the tone with music.
4. Slow dance in the living room or your bedroom. Get up-close and in each other’s arms and see where it leads you.
5. Prepare the bedroom for intimacy. Set the mood with special lighting, silky sheets, etc.. Or at least the laundry piles off the bed and the kids’ Legos back in their room.
6. Leave him a note. On his mirror, in his briefcase, on his dashboard, in his sock drawer—wherever he’ll see it.
7. Wear suggestive lingerie. Don that revealing outfit that makes his gaze linger.
8. Leave a “bread crumb trail” to the bedroom. Use anything from flower petals to bite-sized candies to love notes to draw him into the bedroom where you await.
9. Take him lingerie shopping, and invite him to be involved in your purchase. Choose something together you’d like to try on, and take off.
10. Read Song of Songs together, trading off the male and female parts and directing your words at each other. It’s a sexy book. In the Bible. Trust me.

More Direct Methods

1. Gift wrap a box, hand it to him and say, “This is what I’m wearing to bed tonight,” then let him open up the box to find it empty.
2. Flash him—your breasts and/or your southern region. Give a subtle peek or display the goodies, but either way could get his motor running.
3. Cook his favorite dinner and, while you’re eating, tell him you’re dessert.
4. Sext him. (Keep it to something that, if your adult kids found it, would make you really blush but not swear off eye contact for the rest of your life.)
5. Whisper into his ear what you want to do with him sexually. Bonus points for specificity.
6. Wear a skirt or a dress without undies and let him know you’re going commando.
7. Offer to give him a body massage. Have the massage oil or lotion ready to go, and stroke his whole body with your hands.
8. Ask him to give you a body massage. Turn the tables and let him put his hands on you.
9. Book a hotel room. Getting away can free your minds for a night of great sex.
10. Schedule sex on the calendar. That may not sound sexy, but why not put on his and your calendars a date and time for sexual intimacy?

Making It Clear You Want Him

1. Slip into bed naked. When he rolls over, he’ll know what you have in mind.
2. Tell him you’re available for sex. This sounds blah, but it can work to simply say, “If you want to make love, I’m totally up for it tonight.”
3. Write him a sex poem. You’ve heard of love poems, but how about one that’s a little steamier?
4. Purchase a new marital aid (lube, board game, wedge pillow) and suggest trying it out.
5. Make a list of sexual positions and ask which one he wants to try tonight. (See Christian Friendly Sexual Positions for ideas.)
6. Offer to play Strip ____. Poker, Battleship, Checkers, whatever.
7. Find a sex tips chapter from my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous, bookmark a page with a note saying “let’s try this tonight,” and leave it for him to find.
8. Ask about his sexual fantasy, or tell him yours. Even if you don’t act it out, you get the conversation started for what you want to do sexually.
9. Suggest a challenge, like “First one to make the other climax gets out of doing dishes tonight.” (This only works as a playful idea, not real bartering.)
10. Give him a straightforward multiple choice of foreplay options: So tonight, do you want a hand job, a blow job, or to give me oral sex?

Getting Right to It

1. Say, “I want to make love with you. Right now.” No mixed message there.
2. Take his hands and put them on the intimate places of your body, inviting him to fondle.
3. Undress him. Bit by bit or tearing off his clothes—whatever floats your boat.
4. Kiss him in that place you know he likes. Behind his ear? At his waistband? Inner thigh? Find that special, sensuous spot and start kissing.
5. Snuggle up to him and slyly begin massaging his testicles. Gently, teasingly.
6. Reach over and touch, stroke, or squeeze his penis. Many men like the direct approach—going right for the good stuff.
7. Perform a strip tease. The Marriage Bed has specific tips here. (If your husband has a history with strip clubs or porn, this is probably not a good idea.)
8. Straddle his hips, pressing into him where it counts. It’s a strong taste of what could be happening if you both got naked.
9. Get in the shower with him, and start soaping him up.
10. Drop to your knees in front of him, unzip his pants, and stroke his man-part with your hands or mouth.

Bonus!

Tell your husband you want to have sex on a boat and then share the details of our upcoming marriage cruise!

That’s it! FORTY (plus one!) ways to initiate sex with your hubby. Now go forth and give one a try. Then come back in a few days, or even tomorrow, and choose another.

This post was first published on October 24, 2016. It has been updated and lightly edited for clarity.

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

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Back in 2023, I hosted the first Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise, and it went great! If you could talk to the couples who attended, I believe they’d tell you the same thing. We spent a wonderful week cruising the Caribbean, learning more about marital intimacy as God intended, strengthening our marriages, and getting to know one another as friends and encouragers. We also enjoyed excellent food, fun experiences, and beautiful ports of call.

In 2027, I’ll be hosting the second—and last—Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise. And I’d love for you to join us!

Invest in Your Intimacy

Most couples understand the value of investing in their marriage. A healthy marriage doesn’t happen by accident. But neither does healthy sex in marriage. Whether you’re a couple who’s struggled to get on the same page, encountered obstacles, or simply want to keep the spark alive, this cruise is for you.

During our time together, I’ll be teaching sessions focused on building healthy, holy, and satisfying sexual intimacy. We’ll talk honestly, biblically, and practically about what it means to nurture this gift God has given married couples. Plus, you’ll have the big-time bonus of a personal coaching session with Brad and Kate Aldrich of Aldrich Ministries! (That rated as a favorite perk on our last cruise.)

This is an investment worth making!

Count Us In!

More Than a Conference

This isn’t a typical marriage conference where you spend all day moving from session to session. Think of it as a marriage retreat at sea.

We’ll gather for teaching sessions and discussions, but you’ll also have plenty of time to relax together, enjoy the ship’s amenities, explore beautiful destinations, and simply reconnect as husband and wife.

The combination of biblical teaching, personal coaching, intentional couple time, and a relaxing vacation creates something truly special.

Why a Cruise?

When some people hear “cruise,” they picture deck parties, loud music, and crowds. Others imagine sitting quietly by the water with a good book. The truth is that a cruise can be either of those experiences—or neither.

One of the things I enjoy most about cruising is that it’s largely what you make it.

Want to dance the night away? You can do that.

Want to play shuffleboard on the deck, watch the ocean roll by, and turn in early? You can do that too.

You can fill your days with activities, shows, excursions, and adventures, or you can spend much of your time simply relaxing together. A cruise offers something many vacations don’t: choices. Lots of them.

And because your lodging, dining, entertainment, and transportation between destinations are all wrapped into one experience, it’s easy to focus less on logistics and more on enjoying time together.

Once you’re onboard, many of life’s usual responsibilities simply disappear for a while. There’s something refreshing about stepping away from normal life and remembering why you chose each other in the first place.

The Details

The Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise will sail aboard the Carnival Liberty from February 14–21, 2027.

We’ll depart from New Orleans, Louisiana, and enjoy stops in:

• Montego Bay, Jamaica
• Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
• Cozumel, Mexico

Your registration includes:

• Seven-night cruise accommodations
• Onboard entertainment, including shows and live music
• Use of pools, hot tubs, and fitness center
• Main dining, as well as included restaurants such as Guy’s Burger Joint, Blue Iguana Cantina, and Mongolian Wok
• All conference sessions
• A personal coaching session with Brad Aldrich (Pennsylvania-licensed marriage therapist) and wife Kate (certified coach)
• Taxes and fees
• Prepaid gratuities

Pricing begins at $2,750 per couple for an interior stateroom, with upgrades available.

Tell Us More!

Is This Cruise for You?

This cruise is not an intensive intervention for marriages in crisis. But the Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise is a great fit if:

• You’d like practical, biblical teaching about sexual intimacy.
• You and your spouse would benefit from becoming more aligned in your expectations and experiences.
• You’d like to keep the spark alive in your relationship.
• You need time away to reconnect.
• You’ve been wanting a vacation that combines relaxation with relationship growth.

And if you’re still not sure about the cruise part? That’s okay. Many first-time cruisers discover they love it.

Either way, I encourage you to check out the details here and prayerfully consider joining us. I’d love to spend a week with you investing in one of God’s greatest gifts to married couples: intimacy.

We’re Interested!

we’re Ready to Book!

The post The Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise Is Back! appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Why aren’t you having the sexual intimacy you anticipated experiencing after marriage? Good question. And the answer is: I don’t know. Because every situation is different. But I can tell you some common reasons why sex isn’t happening in many marriages, and that might include yours.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Whenever I list the various hats, or roles, that I wear, the list is far too long. But I’m nowhere near as busy as I was when I was a young mom. Many of you can relate to the feeling of overwhelm. There’s so much to do, and not enough time or enough you to accomplish it all. Add sex on top of that, and phew, you need a solo vacation right now.

Exhaustion certainly takes a toll—on us individually and on our marital intimacy. Finding time to connect sexually is difficult enough, but finding time to connect emotionally so that you feel open to connecting sexually is a double-whammy challenge. I hear you. I’ve been there.

And yet, I have regrets about not paying more attention to my marital sex life. If I could go back and do it over, I’d tell younger wife me to delegate some responsibilities, let some things go, communicate more with my husband, and prioritize our sexual satisfaction. When I did release all that tension and leaned into sexual enjoyment with my husband, I felt connection with him and a much-needed release of tension. You might find refreshment there as well.

Physical Challenges

If one or both of you have physical limitations, ongoing pain, or chronic illness, sex is either difficult to engage in or doesn’t feel all that good. Most of the time, the spouse is aware of what’s going on, but not always. In particular, a fair number of wives don’t admit sexual pain or discomfort to their husbands, instead choosing to bear through the pain.

If you’re having physical struggles, please let your spouse know and get on the same page to seek relief. Sometimes, you can resolve the problem, and other times, you can find ways around it that allow you to enjoy sexual intimacy. It might require medical treatment, marital aids, or an expanded view of what constitutes a successful sexual encounter, but don’t give up when physical challenges appear.

By “don’t give up,” I don’t mean keeping having sex that hurts! You may need to take a break while pursuing ways to address your physical challenges. In the meantime, stay connected in your marriage in other ways, so that if/when you can re-engage in sexual intimacy, you have outside-the-bedroom intimacy fueling your desire and satisfaction.

Relational Conflict

Speaking of which, if you’re not eager to spend time with your spouse outside the bedroom, it’s no wonder you’re not eager to spend time with him/her inside the bedroom. Many couples have tension or conflict in their marriage that makes sex far less appealing that it would be with a healthy relationship. On top of that, a lack of sex can create more tension and conflict, meaning that couples can find themselves in a loop where frustration with each other results in less sex and less sex results in more frustration with each other. Rinse and repeat.

Higher desire spouses may think the answer is to begin with having more sex, and to be fair, that has helped some marriages out there, including mine. But higher sexual frequency without emotional safety has hurt more marriages. Most spouses need to feel relationally secure to be eager for the vulnerability and surrender of truly intimate sex.

If your relationship isn’t going well, work on that. If your spouse is on board, great! If not, go first. My husband and I came back from the brink of divorce because I stopped arguing with him so much and started working on my own issues. That didn’t mean he didn’t have issues, but once I changed how I approached him, the dynamic of our relationship changed and we built something solid, lasting, and joyful.

Where should you start? It depends on how bad things are. You might benefit from reading a marriage book together, taking a relationship course or attending a marriage retreat (or my upcoming cruise—more details soon!), or seeing a counselor. You may simply need to work on certain relationship skills, like better communication or deal with deeper issues (see Trauma section below). But remember that mutually desired and satisfying sex is one part of a whole marital relationship, and that relationship must be tended for it to thrive.

Pressure/Demand

Let’s say you feel pressured for sex—consciously or subconsciously—so you do the normal human thing and push back. That pressure may come from your spouse, or it could be messages about owing your spouse sex whether or not you feel like it at the moment.

Among the myths I’ve tackled are that sex is for the husband rather than the wife, a spouse cannot say no to a sexual encounter, 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 says we owe our spouse sex no matter what, not having sex with your spouse means you’re responsible when they cheat or watch porn, and you should perform the sexual acts your spouse desires whether or not you want to. Spouses (mostly women in these cases) who have absorbed these message may feel pressured or obligated, whether or not their beloved is actually pushing them.

That said, some spouses are pushy. In a recent episode of our Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, I mentioned that I’ve witnessed husbands complain publicly about their wife not giving them sex and then add, “I don’t know why she won’t have sex with me.” To which, I want to say, “I know why you’re not getting any, sir.” Whether she knows about the comments or not, he’s harboring ongoing resentment toward her that makes her naturally retreat. Now, before you gents get mad at me, I truly believe that sex should be happening in most marriages! I have devoted over 15 years to helping spouses get laid, so to speak. But while God intends for sex to happen in our marriages, more than that, He intends for us to be loving to our spouses. (See Are You Owed Sex in Marriage?) Demand and pressure are never okay in the marriage bed.

If pressure or demand might play a role in your or your spouse’s resistance, start a conversation. Explain that you desire closeness but not pressure. Ask about myths you’ve each embraced. Talk about what a sex life where you both feel free to give a not-now no and a truly willing yes would look like. Do you need to back off for a bit? Trade out initiation? Talk to a counselor?

I don’t know what you need in your particular marriage, but bring up the topic. Oh, and recognize that you may not able to discuss it at that first meeting. You may need a few times before you each feel safe and able to express yourselves in a way that moves the ball forward. (For quality conversations about sex, get my book, Pillow Talk.)

Sex Doesn’t Go Like It Should

Once you begin a sexual encounter, you and your spouse should engage in affection and foreplay that leads to increasing arousal, followed by connection and/or climax. If that’s not how sex goes, you may not want it the next time. Or the next or the next.

What went awry that makes you less eager for sex in the future? It could be a number of things, such as:

• Not enough foreplay to get you aroused enough for intercourse and/or orgasm
• Hormonal challenges that prevent your body from reaching sufficient arousal (especially true for women with issues like vaginal dryness)
• Erectile dysfunction (not being able to achieve or to maintain an erection throughout the sexual encounter)
• Premature or delayed ejaculation
• Inability to reach climax

When sex doesn’t unfold the way it should, or that would feel satisfying for you, you can become anxious and/or discouraged about the next time. And if it’s happened more than once or multiple times, you can come away with the sense of why bother? After all, you know you’re going to be disappointed, right?

Only, I used the word should very deliberately here. We don’t want to should all over ourselves, but if you know that sex isn’t going the way God intended it to go, then you might want to ask why and then see if there might be some answers to your struggles.

All of the issues named above can be addressed in some way. It could be that the solution is rather simple, or it could be that you have to make some adjustments that might not be ideal but still provide delight and intimacy between husband and wife. As I’ve said before, start by seeing your healthcare provider (Struggling with Sex in Marriage? Here’s What To Do First. – Hot, Holy & Humorous).

Trauma

The statistics on how many people have been through sexual trauma are heartbreaking, but even more so are the stories told by those who’ve been through it. That never should have happened to you. But in our broken world, sexual abuse or assault have touched the lives of many spouses and their marriages. When your body has been misused so badly, it can be hard to see sex as the good thing God intended it to be.

But it’s not just sexual trauma. Other forms of trauma—general abuse, chronic neglect, loss of loved ones, etc.—can impact how you view yourself and others in ways that in turn impact how you approach sexuality.

You may not even realize that past trauma is at least one reason why you don’t feel comfortable or interested in having sex. You may simply know that your body tenses and your mind clouds when the topic comes up, or your spouse initiates, or even at some moment during the encounter. Trauma experts now recognize that our bodies remember the trauma, even if we’re not fully conscious of what’s happening.

From everything I’ve learned on this topic, the only way out is through, and most survivors need trauma-informed care. If this is your story, look for a counselor with that background. One source I can recommend is the Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network, which has coaches who’ve been through in-depth trauma training at the well-regarded Allender Center. Don’t seek help for your sex life. Seek healing for you. You, God’s dear son or daughter, are worth it.

That wraps up six reasons why many married couples aren’t having the sex they could be having, and they range from common busyness to tragic trauma. But all of them have answers, if you will seek them. And especially if you seek them together, bearing one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and honoring one another (Romans 12:10).

Mark your calendars! More info coming in just a few days.

The post 6 Reasons Why Sex Isn’t Happening in Your Marriage (and How to Address Them) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.