It’s been too long since I posted here! I do have things to say about sex, but maintaining my blog has been a distant second to regaining my health lately. I need that health to keep both myself and my ministry on track. So today, I’m going to do something I never, ever do: just write a post and publish it without editing much, if at all.

I’ll cover a few things that have been on my mind lately, talk about them a bit unfiltered, and let the chips fall where they may, so to speak.

Oh, for the love, Bill Gates too?

The news of Bill and Melinda Gates splitting was sad. We all like the idea of long-term couples, and it’s particularly hopeful to see a couple work together on charitable causes. But then, more information came out.

Now, it appears that Bill Gates regularly pursued women and had affairs during his marriage (pick your source: Bill Gates Had Reputation for Questionable Behavior Before Divorce – The New York Times, Bill Gates ‘pursued’ several women in his office during marriage to Melinda: report | Fox Business).

In wake of this discovery, I texted some friends:

Can we PLEASE have just one guy with real power who turns out to be a good, faithful husband and doesn’t use the workplace as his own personal pick-up bar?!!!!

I’m not anti-Bill Gates. But I am sick and tired of hearing about men with power abusing their status to sate their sexual fantasies. This isn’t about men’s sexual “needs.” It’s about being a jerk and using other people for your own gain.

And it begs the question of why sex is the avenue that So Very Many Men in power choose to flex their muscle? I could do a whole breakdown of the psychology, but it comes down to selfishness and seeing others as your way to fill the empty holes of yourself rather than treating them as people. PEOPLE. Not women I can bang. People that God created as complex humans in their own right.

If you can’t get your psyche right, then I’ll make it easy for you: don’t do anything in the workplace that leads to one of you taking off your pants.

And for the rest of us, if anyone in the workplace acts that way, I don’t care who they are. They don’t deserve a job working with others. Trust me, if there was no Bill Gates, we would still have word processing software.

Hellfire & damnation sermons don’t work in the long run—even for sex.

I grew up in the Church of Christ, which is to say a denomination that had both theologically evangelical congregations and fundamentalist ones. The fundamentalists among us were given to a lot of hellfire and damnation sermons back in the day, and they scared a fair number of people into becoming Christians … to avoid eternal damnation.

Now, Jesus was certainly concerned about our eternal status, but the vast majority of Scripture is about God pursuing an intimate relationship with His people. The reason we want to go to Heaven and not Hell (however you perceive that) shouldn’t be because one has mansions and gold streets and the other has gnashing of teeth. Rather, one is where we can be close to God our Father, and the other is distant from Him. (An excellent treatment of this is C.S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce.)

So to all you men writing me to say that I’m insufficiently concerned about your lack of sex because I won’t tell your wife she’s a horrible sinner for denying you what you need, well, I have said that long-term sexual refusal is a sin. But so is badmouthing your wife at every turn, especially publicly on my blog or social media. (I tend not to approve spouse-bashing comments.) And the ratio of me saying, “Hey, wife, this is missing the mark—aka sin,” to the times I say, “Sex is an important part of overall marital intimacy, so let’s figure out how to help you have a healthy and holy sex life,” is going to lean heavily on the latter.

I will not “hellfire and damnation” your wife into having sex with you. Even if it worked—and it rarely does—she’d be there for all the wrong reasons! You, husband, are supposed to be like God, pursuing an intimate relationship with your wife.

For your Maker is your husband—
the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord your Redeemer.

Isaiah 54:4-8

That includes sex, but it’s about a lot more than sex. Yes, I know it’s difficult and emotionally painful and you want to give up or scream or something. But I am here, and will be here, doing everything I know to help you figure out why she isn’t interested in sex and what you can do to help her get there. Because I do care, and I care enough to suggest things that actually work and don’t make you into the jerk you sometimes seem to be.

So yes, I want you get to laid, but I won’t pressure your spouse to have sex with you.

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Sex is more important than many believe and less important than some believe.

In that same vein, I must reiterate that sex matters in a marriage. It really, genuinely, deeply matters. The physical act of sex, done in a way that honors one another and the Creator of it, can bring a couple together in ways that nothing else quite can. It’s revealing, vulnerable, powerful, and intimate. It’s exciting, reassuring, calming, and sweet.

If I didn’t believe sex was important, I wouldn’t have focused my attention on it for over 10 years of ministry. I wouldn’t think I still have a lot more to say on the subject. I wouldn’t be eager to share excellent resources from myself and others to help couples navigate sexual intimacy.

But I also haven’t had sex in a while. It’s been over a week and less than a month in my marriage. We both miss it. But we also both know that I just can’t right now. I had nose surgery last week, and the first set of painkillers didn’t take. The doctor had to call in a second prescription—oddly, a weaker opiod—that finally took the edge off enough for me to sleep more than an hour at a time. I’ve been sleeping with ice packs (when I can sleep) and had a cast on my nose until a couple of days ago. Now I have a very bruised nose and am being very careful not to get close enough to anyone that they could accidentally bump my nose. I might just faint and die. (Okay, I exaggerate a little for effect! Lol.)

I have another surgery scheduled in June. (Oh yes, J’s Health Quest has been quite the journey!) I will need weeks to recover from that one. No idea how soon sex can happen then, though I’m hoping we can squeeze in some lovemaking between this recovery and that one.

But you know what? I don’t feel less connected or loved by my husband. He feels disappointed that we can’t, but not rejected or unloved. It does make me believe that if tomorrow, God forbid, we couldn’t have sex anymore, I would grieve. But I wouldn’t leave.

Now I KNOW that not being able to make love and refusing to make love are two entirely different things! I’m not equating them, and if you’re in the Being Refused group, that is wrong and sucks and see all points above. But I also believe that, whatever the reason, you can still pursue intimacy in other areas that strengthen the marriage as a whole.

In fact, sometimes when you have to find other ways to connect, you and your spouse become more interested in connecting physically overall. I really do want to make love to my husband soon, in no small part because of how he has prioritized our sex life. He believes it matters, and even when I was all casted up and had some, um, nasal discharge, he was helping me put on clothes one day and managed to feel me up a little—demonstrating that he still finds me attractive, even now, go figure. But he believes that I matter more than sex.

By placing the proper emphasis on sex, I’m more interested not less. And I feel more connected to him.

We’re doing better discussing higher desire wives, but we still have a ways to go.

I read an article recently about men who desire sex less than their wives and why that might be. I won’t share the author because that’s not the point and I don’t like the tactic of attacking colleagues who are giving it their best. Rather, I want y’all to learn how to discern for yourself which resources are worthwhile and which should get a full pass.

But this Christian author did a good job on some aspects of addressing the subject and a rather poor job in other areas. Reading it with the lens of a higher drive wife, I could see how plenty of such wives would come away feeling even more discouraged and upset, rather than heard and empowered. Not that it’s about us all feeling heard and empowered; of course, I’m all for reporting biblical truth and giving practical yes-this-works advice.

However, if a wife comes away from reading about their higher desire with the feeling that “Yes, I am undesirable,” then the next logical step isn’t working the issue but sitting down with box of chocolates and a screw-top bottle of wine and watching reality TV until you’re finally convinced others’ lives are worse than yours, meaning you can stomach at least one more day of sexual rejection.

Here are just a few things I know about higher desire wives, based on my own experience, engaging with many HD wives, and extensive research:

• HD wives/LD husbands constitute about 15-20% of marriages.
• Some marriages are always HD wife/LD husband, and some shift to that over time.
• LD husbands run the gamut from ongoing sexual refusal (sexless marriage) to just not initiating as much.
• Reasons for lower drive include physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual areas, and most husbands have more than one reason for their lower drive.
• For HD wives, emotional support can be as important as practical advice.

And here are a few things I hear about higher desire wives that make me want to scream:

• If a husband doesn’t want his wife, it’s because she’s unattractive or not doing enough to sexually attract him.
• All LD husbands should get on testosterone boosters—problem solved.
• Porn is the reason men don’t want their wives.
• HD wives should just read all the advice about HD husbands and apply it to themselves.

It’s not that there aren’t some things about the second list that have some truth to them. (For instance, porn is evil, and it plays a role.) However, we have umpteen resources nowadays that presume the scenario that he wants sex more than she does. With all that’s out there, you can have a lot of ideas and tips and theological deep-dives and relational ideas and whatever to help such couples. There’s room for complexity.

With higher-desire wives, they are still mainly the one-off article from people who otherwise don’t talk about it much. Or maybe the one-off paragraph in various articles. Without more coverage of the topic, we miss stuff. I’ve missed stuff in the past, and I’ve been the higher desire spouse!

What can I do? How can I make a difference? Well, I’d been working on a book for higher desire wives for a while when my current illness took over. I’ve become even more determined to make that a primary focus of my ministry when I regain my health! I’d love for y’all to pray that I can make that happen.

Also, I’m starting to reach out to colleagues about higher desire wives, letting them know who I am, why I have special interest in this topic, and sharing what I know so that they can address the topic with greater effectiveness. Again, prayers please! I need wisdom to communicate with respect and kindness and convince prominent authors and speakers to consider their words more carefully.

Not out of things to say, but spent.

Wow, 2000+ words spit out in a single sitting. And it’s not all that I have to say, but it’s all I could do today. And all you people want to read from me in a day anyway!

How shall I wrap it all up? Well, basically, my thoughts these days about sex run along various lines. Some involve how seriously screwed up sex is in the world and even in the Christian church. Some involve how individuals have such deep hurts in the area of sex that seem insurmountable at times. Some involve how a lot of couples just need biblical truths, encouragement, and practical tips to keep prioritizing sex in their marriage! Some involve how marriage can be both fabulous and challenging. Some involve how good my husband looks when he wears those Wranglers and the boots and he… Oh, wait, that’s not something y’all need to hear about! ~wink~

All of my thoughts come down to this:

1. Sex as God designed it to be –> Powerful and Intimate.
2. Sex any other way –> Nope. Keep trying until you have #1.

The post A Hodgepodge of Thoughts About Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I’ve had a lot of feedback lately from spouses resentful about the lack of sex in their marriage. At times, it’s pushback about my lack of sympathy or understanding for their heartache.

Truth is, I don’t know what it’s like to walk in your shoes.

However, I do know that ongoing rejection hurts. It stinks, and it’s wrong.

Still, I will not validate vitriol against your spouse that hurts both you and your marriage. Because that I know path personally, intimately.

Instead of a fresh post here this week, I really want y’all to go read the post I wrote for KHS Ministry. KHS stands for Knowing Her Sexually, and it’s the website Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife and I maintain for husbands (along with a subscription community).

Please read my story.

The post From Bitter to Better: My Marriage Story appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I’ve been hearing more and more from spouses refused sex for a long time in their marriage. They are understandably disheartened and frustrated, but some are also angry.

Not just angry with their spouses, but angry with me and other Christians for letting their spouse off the hook. What they seem to want is the full force of Christendom, or at least a fair number of Christian marriage bloggers, to insist their spouse owes them sex.

First, let me say that if you are in a marriage that is abusive or emotionally destructive, lack of sex is not the problem. The good and godly thing to do is to address the abuse! Please go read Are You in an Abusive or Destructive Marriage? instead.

For the rest of us, let’s consider: Do marriage vows infer an obligation to have sex? Does your spouse have a duty to say yes to your sexual advances? Are you owed sex in marriage?

Here’s the “marital duty” passage.

Most proof-texters open up their Bibles and turn to 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to demonstrate that yes, we have a duty in marriage to have sex.

Just in case you haven’t read this passage nearly enough on my blog (I sure have!), here it is:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5, NIV

But that passage wasn’t written in the context of one spouse withholding sex from another and Paul intervening with marriage counseling.

Rather, it was a theological question for the Corinthian Church, where some had begun to believe that sex itself was unspiritual and should be avoided even in marriage.

The apostle Paul answers that sex is good and should be a regular part of marriage; in fact, if you feel you must avoid it focus for a period of time solely on spiritual things, make sure your abstinence is agreed to by your spouse and short-lived.

Paul is not addressing in this passage specific obstacles to lovemaking tonight or tomorrow or even next week, but the way marriage is supposed to function generally.

Sex should be part of marriage.

Even without 1 Corinthians, however, we’d know that marriage is supposed to include sex. It’s in a whole lot of other places in the Bible. Here’s just a sampling!

• Genesis 2:24: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” How are you united? Not only in partnership to live life—which you could do with a friend—but physically.
• Genesis 29:21: “Then Jacob said to Laban, ‘Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.'” Get married –> make love. Not only that, when Laban deceived Jacob and gave him Leah instead, what did Jacob do? We may think this is awful in our non-polygamous culture, but he made love to Leah. Why? Because it was understood that taking a marriage covenant involved physical intimacy.
• Proverbs 5:15, 18-19: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” A father is giving his son advice here, saying, “Have sex with your wife, and your wife only, for the rest of your life.”
• 1 Samuel 1:19: “Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her.” Despite Hannah being unable to conceive, they’re still getting busy. Why? Married.
• Luke 1:18: “Zechariah asked the angel, ‘How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years.'” When told by an angel that Zechariah and Elizabeth will have a son (John the Baptist), Zechariah doesn’t say, “But we don’t have sex anymore.” Despite infertility and age, it seems they were still sexually active.
• Song of Songs. The whole book. The fact the book is even in the Bible.

Basically, every time you have a married couple in Scripture, they are expected to have sex, and not just for procreation. Marriage is a covenant relationship that God designed to include lovemaking.

Marriage is a covenant relationship that God designed to include lovemaking. via @hotholyhumorous
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So you’re owed. Now what?

Or maybe instead of “now what?” I should have said, “So what?” Because I’ve witnessed many spouses camp out on this concept that they are owed sex in marriage. They get upset that I won’t just tell their spouse to have sex with them already. Instead, I address reasons why a spouse doesn’t want sex and suggest tips for getting your lower drive spouse to say yes to sex.

Why? Because I believe it’s not only the ends that matter, but the means. And so does God. Even with a covenant debt as important as sex in marriage.

Let’s imagine the sex you’re owed is an invoice to your spouse.

Now, how are you going to get your spouse to pay up?

I can say with 100% certainty that your spouse owing you sex will not get you sex. Just shoving an invoice in someone’s face is no guarantee they’ll pay.

How you try to collect this debt matters not only in whether you reach your goal of more sexual intimacy, but also in whether you make your marriage worse or better and whether you become a worse or better person.

What kind of debt collector are you?

Have you ever had to deal with debt collectors? I have.

Some debt collectors are wholly intent on the amount you owe and getting paid any way possible. Others are willing to negotiate to collect what’s possible for you to pay. Still others take the approach of “let me see how I can help you with this issue.” Which collector would you like to encounter?

I can tell you that the harassers’ calls are the ones most likely to be ignored or actively avoided.

You won’t get paid in the way you want if you take a Guido’s Goons approach to your spouse’s debt of sex to you. Plus, in the process, you turn into a bully. And believe me, even if you haven’t said it aloud, when you’ve soaked in resentment, it seeps out in interactions with your spouse.

With that in mind, ask how your spouse views your attempts to collect the sex debt. Are you a harasser or a helper?

What if your spouse really could pay?

We’ve all seen those news stories where someone is knee-deep in debt while living in a mansion and vacationing on a yacht. Such people could pay what they owe; they just don’t. Their priorities are way wrong.

Plenty of you view your spouse’s withholding the same way.

Some of you are correct.

Many more of you are incorrect.

Most of the time, a spouse withholds sex for what seems like a good reason to them. They aren’t “yachting” with their sex life elsewhere. They really, truly feel they have little or nothing to give in the sexual arena.

Yes, I know you’re hurting, but so are they. And that is why I have become ultra-focused on helping spouses figure out why a spouse is refusing sex and showing them how to address the baggage and the barriers.

Consider it the difference between taking someone’s last dollar and setting them up to make enough money. When someone is flush with cash and they care about you a great deal, then you can say, “Hey, can I have a dollar?” and they’ll say, “Sure” and hand it right over. It’s easier to pay a debt and even be generous when you have more than enough to give.

Debts in a healthy marriage get paid.

Imagine this scenario: Husband and wife are both aware and appreciative of how God created them as sexual beings. They enjoy their physical intimacy, but also the companionship, the flirting, the sensuality, and the generosity that all lead up to those special moments in bed.

One night, as they’re cleaning up the kitchen together, she leans back against his chest and says, “According to our marital contract, you owe me some sex, handsome.” He pulls her close and whispers, “Ready to fulfill my marital duty, gorgeous.”

Despite the words “owe” and “duty,” would you find that banter troublesome? I wouldn’t. These spouses understand the marriage covenant includes sex, but their exchange is surrounded with respect, honor, and love.

Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.

Romans 13:7-8

Although this passage is about how to treat governing authorities, there’s a principle here: The debt we most owe one another is love.

When we focus in on being owed sex to the exclusion of other callings about how we should treat one another, then we’re missing what matters to God.

When we focus in on being owed sex to the exclusion of other callings about how we are to treat one another, then we're missing what matters to God. @hotholyhumorous
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Yes, marriage should include sex. If it’s not happening, it should be a priority to figure out why and address those issues. But while working on our frustrating lack of sex, we also owe our spouses respect, honor, and love.

From a practical standpoint, that approach is far more likely to work anyway.

What’s the upshot?

The upshot is that marriage involves a debt of sexual intimacy. But you are not the one who should demand payment. God is the ultimate creditor.

The more you can come alongside your spouse, figure out the issues, and help your beloved fill their coffers, the better a person you will be, the better your marriage is likely to become, and the better chance you’ll have that your sex life will turn around.

Also see my post Does Your Wife Owe You Sex? on KHS Ministry.

The post Are You Owed Sex in Marriage? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

You might be wondering how prevalent sexless marriages are. Someone asked this question in the comment thread of my last post (Is the Church Failing Sexless Marriages?). Here’s my answer:

It’s really hard to get great statistics with sex. For obvious reasons, it’s all self-report, and people don’t always report accurately. Maybe someday, some tech guru will devise a study where you wear an innocuous gadget that will note when you have sex and then report that. (Although, even then wouldn’t people try to game the system like they do with FitBits?) But the primary estimate I’ve seen is 15% of marriages being sexless, meaning fewer than 10 encounters per year.

As for actual data, here are two snippets:

“Searches for ‘sexless marriage’ are three and a half times more common than ‘unhappy marriage’ and eight times more common than ‘loveless marriage.’ There are 16 times more complaints about a spouse not wanting sex than about a married partner not being willing to talk.” – Searching for Sex, New York Times

In a survey of nearly 16,000 Americans between age 18 and 60, by the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture, 12% reported not having sex in the prior year. How common are sexually “inactive” marriages?, Relationships in America

So yeah, it’s a common issue which needs to be addressed.

And as much as I’d love that title above to say, “5 Foolproof Ways to Bring Your Sexless Marriage to Sizzling!” that’s more cow pattie than I’m willing to step in. Even in my tallest boots.

Thus, I’m going to take some time with this topic, probably a series of three posts about marriages that are sexless or experience highly mismatched drives. If you’re in a drought, you’ll likely want to stay tuned.

But if you’re not in a sexless marriage, you may be tempted to skip the next few Q&A posts. I urge you to keep reading, however. Because you know someone in a sexless marriage. It could be a neighbor, a co-worker, a close friend, a family member, the woman who sits next to you in the pew at church, or the preacher standing at the front. How can our churches minister to them if we as individual Christians don’t understand the problem, show compassion and support, and help them address their struggle?

So let’s begin…

In everything I write, I want to be both biblical and helpful.

When I turn to Scripture, there is a specific answer for confronting someone who sins against you, in Matthew 18:15-17. But is it wise to follow that prescription to the exclusion of others on the topic of marriage? Shouldn’t we have a broader understanding of what God thinks about marriage and problems therein? After all, just one chapter later, Jesus says this:

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:4-6).

So what should you do? Should you start with confronting sin, as persistent, unyielding sexual refusal is? Should you focus on praying for your spouse? Should you just suck it up and “love your spouse more,” as is often suggested?

After thinking about this long and hard (and with a thanks to this comment from E), I believe the starting point must be this: TRUST.

Most spouses do not one day decide to turn into Maleficent or Darth Vader and become your worst enemy, at least in the realm of sexual intimacy. They don’t think to themselves, I don’t care how much it hurts him/her.

Instead, what I’ve most often heard from formerly refusing spouses who turned things around is they were protecting themselves from something that felt worse to them than denying their spouse sex. Meaning their refusal came from a place of fear.

That fear could take all kinds of forms:

• Fear of not being good enough
• Fear of awkwardness
• Fear of being in pain or discomfort
• Fear that their spouse’s love is only about the physical
• Fear of being taken advantaged of
• Fear of being made to do something they don’t like
• Fear of being compared to previous lovers
• Fear of being compared to porn

I’m not saying every single instance of sexual refusal is about fear, but I’d venture to say it’s a very high majority. For some reason, the refusing spouse feels unsafe in the marriage bed.

For some reason, the refusing spouse feels unsafe in the marriage bed.
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So is it any surprise that when you bring up the topic of sex, they become defensive right away?

But what if you’re confronted by someone you trust entirely? When you are 100% sure that the person has your interests foremost in your mind, that they genuinely want the best for you, that they are a friend who loves at all times? What if you feel entirely safe with someone?

That’s what Dr. Gary Smalley in his book, The DNA of Relationships, identified as a core principle of a healthy marriage — a safe environment. Too often, we are caught up in a “Fear Dance,” in which we protect ourselves by building a wall or even a battering ram against others.

Truth is, you have your own fears too. I get it. But if you want to make progress in a sexless marriage, you should make every effort to create a safe environment in which your refusing spouse can share and feel validated, loved, and supported.

I’m not saying you support the sin — of course not! But you show understanding and sympathy for the fear underlying their refusal.

(By the way, yes, I also believe you should feel validated, loved, and supported in your marriage. But your spouse isn’t reading this post, so let’s start the change with you.)

Consider that church discipline passage mentioned above, Matthew 18:15-17. Immediately before that section, Jesus tells the Parable of the Lost Sheep, in which the loving shepherd seeks tirelessly for the one lost sheep and rejoices when he finds it. Jesus starts by valuing others and showing that He can be trusted. Likewise, it’s our compassion and trustworthiness that allows us to confront a fellow believer and have a chance of breaking through to reconciliation.

Look at these verses as well:

“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs 27:5-6).

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18)

“[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 4:7).

Whatever you do next, the foundation must be trust. Isn’t trust something you had when you married each other? Didn’t you believe that this person loved you and thus wanted good things for you? Didn’t your spouse believe that about you?

But it’s easy to lose trust over time. Or for the falling-in-love feelings to fade and fear in your present or from your past to come creeping back in. And we often don’t even realize what happened. We just feel like we have to fend for ourselves, because no one else is going to do it. Or at least not as well as we can.

Our barriers are intended to preserve our soft places, to cover our crevices of fear.

What I’m asking is easy to understand, but extremely hard to do: Let go of your own fear, your own barriers, and open yourself up to your spouse’s fear. It’s what needs to happen to create or rebuild trust.

For you to make any headway with “I want more sex,” your spouse has to believe that you want more sex not just for you, but for them. They have to see you as a safe person with whom they can share themselves fully, and still be accepted and loved. They have to trust that your perfect love can drive out their fear.

Your spouse has to believe that you want more sex not just for you, but for them.
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Which, no, won’t be perfect, but buoyed by the Holy Spirit, it will be enough.

Next week, I want to talk specifically about how to build that trust — that is, actual steps to demonstrate your trustworthiness and begin to break down the barriers that divide you. Then we’ll get to some specifics on addressing the issue of sexlessness in your marriage.

In the meantime, I want to hear from those of you who went from a sexless or sexually unsatisfying marriage to healthy and holy sexual intimacy. Please send me an email and tell me your story, particularly what actually began the turnaround. Thanks!

The post Q&A with J: “What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage?” Part 1 appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

In preparation, I Googled that subject and found various posts on the matter of sexual refusal as a sin (which yes, I believe it is). Many of them were posts written by fellow marriage bloggers I’d already read, but there were some additions.

Here’s what stopped me short, though: In pages and pages of my search, I found almost no posts or articles written by pastors or biblical scholars on sexual refusal in marriage.

How is that possible – I thought – when I know that it’s an ongoing issue for too many in the Church?

Most of the posts I did find suggested the prescription of addressing your spouse’s sinfulness according to Matthew 18:15-17. The steps as described are:

• Speak directly to the person who has sinned against you (your spouse)
• If they won’t listen, take one or two others along as witnesses (being careful whom you choose)
• If they still won’t listen, bring the matter to the attention of the church (not really the whole, but church leaders)
• If they still refuse to listen, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector (remembering that Jesus treated pagans and tax collectors as outsiders but not enemies)

And I agree with all of that. It’s in the Bible! Spoken by Jesus! How could I not?

But here’s where the prescription, sadly, seems to break down in real life: How do I tell those in you in sexless marriages to go to your church for help with this issue, when I know full well that many of you will find precious little support there?

I’ve had spouses write and tell me that the Christian counselor they went to see brushed off the total lack of sex in their marriage, choosing instead to concentrate solely on communication issues or even saying that sex wasn’t that big a deal. I’ve had spouses tell me that they’ve begged their minister to preach or teach about sex in marriage, including the need to address sexual refusal, and they get waved off. I’ve had spouses tell me that they’ve approached church leaders and explained the heartache they’ve experience in their marriage, only to be told to suck it up, pray harder, and love their spouse more.

Poet Robert Frost famously said, “I had a lover’s quarrel with the world.” And that is how I feel about the Church. My community of believers has been an anchor for me in many of life’s storms, and they feel like family in so many ways. I love the Body of Christ.

But I also get frustrated with our shortcomings, especially in the arena of sex in marriage.

I get frustrated with our shortcomings, especially in the arena of sex in marriage.
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These sad, true stories above have been told to me both through my ministry here and personally. Moreover, my Google search on the subject demonstrates how silent the Church as a whole is on this topic. So where are the ministers and church leaders willing to speak boldly for the sake of all kinds of intimacy in marriage, including the physical intimacy God clearly wants spouses to have?

I know they’re out there. But their numbers aren’t large enough yet. We still have work to do in the Church.

Look, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with Jesus’ prescription for dealing with sin. Our Lord knows what He’s talking about! It’s a beautiful process done well and has turned back many hearts to God.

And if your spouse’s sin was adultery, I suspect the vast majority of you would receive compassion and support from those in your local church. But what if your spouse’s sin is the unfaithfulness of refusing you for years and years? What if they have cut off the physical intimacy entirely in your marriage and won’t even talk about it? What if your heart is a gaping wound in your chest that just happens to involve your private parts as well? Will you get the support you should get?

I want to say yes. I soooo want to say yes.

Because I love the Body of Christ.

Yet I’m a realist, and I know that too many churches, too many Christians, have failed in this area. We have left a large segment of emotionally pained spouses with nowhere to go.

We can’t accept that status quo. Something has to change.

So today, I’m just throwing this out there and asking my readers to answer any of the following:

1. Have you personally experienced a church leader or counselor brushing off your concerns about a sexless marriage? If so, would you calmly share what happened? (Note: I don’t think berating individuals will help and just adds our own sin to the mix.)
2. Has your church taught or preached on sex in marriage? If so, was sexual refusal included in the message?
3. Have you helped someone in your church address a sexless marriage? What did you do, and was it (in any way) successful?
4. If you’re a pastor or church leader, why has it been difficult for you or others to address the issue of sex in marriage head-on?
5. What do you think needs to happen to make the Church more willing, competent, and compassionate in dealing with sex in marriage?

Where this goes, I don’t know. But it’s past time we talked more positively about healthy and holy sex in marriage and more honestly about all the sexual sins that can entrap us and damage the intimacy of our marriages.

And I want to be a part of the conversation that changes our churches for the better.

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