6 Tips for Inspiring Your Lower Drive Spouse to Say Yes to Sex

One of the gentlemen in our recently launched KHS Community asked an interesting question. Essentially, he wanted to know what I and other higher drive wives have learned about “how to more effectively inspire your lower drive husbands to say yes to sex.”

Based on my personal experience and the reports of others, let me share what I’ve learned. And I believe these tips can help both higher drive wives and husbands.

1. Ask your spouse for sex.

Instead of or as part of initiating, directly ask your spouse if they’re interested in having sex right then.

Too often, we expect sexual intimacy to unfold naturally as one mate feels desire, moves toward the other, and the next thing you know they’re tumbling into the bed together. Cue passionate music, heavy breathing, and extreme pleasure. You can picture that based on some movie you saw or novel you read, right? Or even the way we talk about sex generally.

But over here in Real Life, it’s a good idea to simply ask a lower interest spouse if they’re interested or might become interested through affection and arousal. And no, such a request is not unromantic or dispassionate.

Indeed, to a lower drive spouse, asking can come across as honoring their choice in the matter, rather than insisting on your need, your desire, or your timing.

2. Respect your spouse’s responsiveness.

Don’t expect they have or should have the same drive you do. Lower desire spouses tend to have more responsive sexual interest.

That physiology or personality is not an indication of their love for you. They would likely be that way no matter whom they’d married. But of course, your spouse chose and married you.

Now it’s difficult for some higher desire spouses to appreciate responsiveness, because their love genuinely drives them to seek out physical connection. They just can’t comprehend loving their spouse and not wanting to do it often and well. But your spouse being different doesn’t make them wrong or broken or unloving.

Remind yourself that responsive sexual desire is still sexual desire. Choosing to engage and experiencing sexual intimacy is what really matters.

Remind yourself that responsive sexual desire is still sexual desire. Choosing to engage and experiencing sexual intimacy is what really matters. @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet

3. Help your spouse get in the mood.

Among the common reasons a lower desire spouse doesn’t engage? Too busy. Exhausted. Stressed. Distracted. Not in the mood.

Why not help your spouse remove obstacles whenever and wherever you can? This is why “choreplay” works—not because it’s earning sex. Of course not! That’s not God’s design for physical intimacy. But coming alongside your spouse to ease their burden and help them prioritize sexual intimacy is entirely biblical.

Find out what facilitates your spouse’s sexual readiness, then do what you can to assist. If that means putting the kids to bed so a wife has time to shift roles from exhausted mommy to hot mama, become the best bedtime daddy ever. If that means learning how to touch his body in the morning to “awaken his manhood” just right, perfect your moves. If that means setting the stage for lovemaking with low lighting, music, and a massage, head to the bedroom and get to it.

What actually helps your spouse get in the mood is specific to them, so ask what they need or want—and then deliver.

4. Initiate more often than you expect to have sex.

Prepare yourself going in that there will be more nos than you would give, and that’s okay. Your lower desire spouse may not say yes every time, but aren’t there things you pass on from time to time?

Not sex perhaps—if you’re usually ready or rarin’ to go—but shouldn’t it be all right for a spouse to pass on joining their spouse for a conversation or an activity now and then? It hardly means you don’t love your spouse if you’re not up for something at a particular moment. The same may be true for your spouse and sex.

In a good marriage, the initiation success rate shouldn’t be low, but allow that you may need take more swings than you’ll get hits. You two can still round the bases plenty if your sexual intimacy is otherwise healthy.

5. Request the rain check.

This is an important point. Star this tip.

If your spouse says no, don’t leave it there. Ask when would be a better time. Would later today work? How about the morning? Does it need to wait until the weekend?

By calmly following up, you let your spouse know your sexual interest doesn’t just disappear with a no from them, you show respect for their input on when to best have sex, and you settle your anxiety about when it will happen next.

But make sure you ask for that rain check calmly. Don’t poke and prod and pester about getting your sex fix. Simply ask what works for your spouse, inviting your beloved into intimacy at a more conducive time.

6. Talk about what sex means to you.

Often we list “talk about it” first, and you may need to have a conversation. But make it an ongoing practice to express gratitude for those moments that sated your desire for intimacy with your spouse. This is not the whole “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am” plan. Speak instead with honor and grace.

Letting your spouse know how much the sexual encounter fed your heart or soul can make the next experience more likely and more enjoyable.

Letting your spouse know how much the sexual encounter fed your heart or soul can make the next experience more likely and more enjoyable. @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet

Those are the six tips for inspiring your spouse to say yes. It may be worth taking this list to your beloved and asking where they feel you could improve.

8 thoughts on “6 Tips for Inspiring Your Lower Drive Spouse to Say Yes to Sex”

  1. I do all those things and 50 more, and the quality and frequency get worse and worse. “Chore play” or anything similar I am admonished for and she doesnt believe me when I tell her what it means to me. I fear the end is near and it sucks.

    1. Yep. Just did. Its like you have a camera in my marriage and my soul. Your six tips? Do’em. Daily. Suggested counseling, she laughed at me. I try and flirt, date, get a sitter, suggested overnight getaway, have asked for specific examples of what she wants and expects(got none). I DID get the blank look of terror though cuz any and all efforts by me are presumed to only be about getting laid. Explained its NOT sex, if so I would get some somewhere, its closeness. Im at the end. Truly.

      1. May I then suggest that you pursue counseling for yourself and get some tactics on how you deal with your end of things? You may also want to read the book Boundaries in Marriage by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.

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