Our reader question comes from a wife who doesn’t care about having sex, but neither does her husband. Here’s her query:
…the problem I am facing is that neither me or my spouse have any desire for sex at all, like, none. I think I may be asexual. What do you do if neither spouse has any sexual desire? I mean, we are both very happy and our marriage can’t be any better, but I’m just wondering if this is normal and should we be worried if neither of us have any desire to have sex yet are happy either way…. Is asexuality bad? I love romance and so does my husband, but I have no desire for sex and neither does my husband. I’m just wondering your opinion of married couples who are completely happy being sexless like we are because reading everything you have written makes me wonder if me and my spouse are broken even though we are both otherwise in a happy marriage.
If you asked a psychologist or sex therapist what they think, I suspect they’d say you should only have sex as often as the two of you agree to have it. Moreover, some Christian authors and counselors might agree.
But what does God have to say about this?
I mean, hey, He invented this whole put-the-puzzle-pieces-together act. He also created the institution of marriage, with its other benefits and blessings. Surely, as both Creator and Lord, we should hear what He has to say about whether sex in marriage is nice or essential.
The passage many might consider as definitive is this one:
The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:3-5, NLT).
Except in your case, it could be argued that neither of you feels deprived or experiences self-control issues in the realm of sex. So are you really hurting one another to avoid it?
But everything I see in Scripture says that sexual intimacy is supposed to be happening in marriage. Genesis 2:24 says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” While this verse includes many aspects of marital intimacy, you won’t find any reputable biblical scholar who wouldn’t say that sex is among them. Even the word choice of one flesh connotes a physical connection.
Jesus affirmed this focus of marriage by citing the verse: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:7-9).
Married couples have sex in the Bible. It’s what they do. Indeed, if you didn’t fulfill your full sexual obligations, you could get in trouble (see Genesis 38).
Additionally, God told His people to “be fruitful and multiply” — which means they must have sex. Now I do not believe this means every marriage must produce children, but it does show that one reason for marriage is to provide the context for creating more made-in-His-image human beings.
God’s Word as a whole not only allows but encourages married couples to make love — for the sake of reproduction, yes, but also for pleasure and intimacy.God's Word as a whole not only allows but encourages married couples to make love -- for the sake of reproduction, yes, but also for pleasure and intimacy. Click To Tweet
And here’s where the crux lies: intimacy.
If you live with someone and have a great friendship and partnership, wonderful! That’s a great relationship to experience in your life.
But it simply doesn’t have the same depth as one in which you are vulnerable at the most intimate levels with one another, literally joining your bodies together in the act of sex. Moreover, you increase intimacy by bringing one another to heights of pleasure that release body chemicals that bond you further together. This is how God made our bodies.
But now that I’ve (hopefully) convinced you that God intends your marriage to include sexual intimacy, but the real question is:
Why don’t you two desire sex?
Because you can mentally believe it’s good for you and still not want to do it. (Same reason why I’m not jogging right at this moment.) And I’m not going to advise, “Just schlep yourself to the bedroom, do the hokey-pokey, and check mark that you fulfilled your duty.”
That’s also clearly not God’s plan!
But physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy adults respond well to the pleasure and intimacy that sex with a beloved mate can bring. Plenty of people don’t have an independent drive ahead of time to engage, but they do get into it once things get started. So if you’re not getting into it, why? What’s amiss?
- Have you soaked in erroneous messages that sex is inherent impure or base?
- Do you experience pain or discomfort during sexual activity?
- Did you have past experiences that soured you on sex?
- Do have physiological issues, like depression or hormonal imbalance, that cause you to be disinterested?
- Are you overly self-conscious about your bodies or the act itself?
- Do you have arousal issues, like an inability to lubricate for the wife or erection problems for the husband?
- Is your relationship more like a friendship than a romance?
Those are just some of the possibilities. But I would suggest that if you don’t respond well to sex, then something really is off and needs to be addressed. Because God made us to be sexual beings, desiring physical pleasure and intimacy with our spouse.
I would start with a visit to the doctor, asking for a full check-up to make sure there are not physical obstacles. If the issue is more spiritual teaching on the subject sex, may I suggest grabbing a copy of my devotional book, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage (ebook less than $5), that will walk you through getting a godly, healthy view of sexuality. You may also want to see your pastor or a counselor together to discuss this issue and how you can address it. (Albeit it needs to be one who actually understands God’s design for marriage includes regular sexual intimacy.)
A sexless marriage, over time, can and likely will take its toll on your relational connection. It’s worth pursuing answers now to awaken the love in your marriage.
49 thoughts on “Q&A with J: “What If Neither of Us Desires Sex?””
There may be another reason why sex isn’t ‘needed’ – something else captures the imagination so thoroughly as to make sex an un-necessary distraction.
I’m reading McCullough’s biography of the Wright brothers, and I think that certainly their interest in flight (which I, having learned to fly, understand) made the whole question of sex a bore. (Though one must also take into account the moral strictures of the day.)
For me, a failed intimate life in an otherwise wonderful marriage brought me face-to-face with this:
“There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.” – Ernest Hemingway
My work as a paramilitary contractor made my wife uncomfortable with intimacy, and in thinking on it, I realized that it as more than the experiences themselves of which she learned (none illegal or immoral, but all ruthlessly violent) but what they had made of me.
I could be ‘there’ for her in a hyper-loyal and protective sense, kind of her very own Terminator, or Jedi…but I wasn’t ‘there’ in an intimate sense. I tried, but a part of me as always back in the bush, looking for tripwires, finger on the trigger.
Today it’s all worked out for good; I can fully support her in her very demanding job, with practical help and prayer and specially-selected Scripture which I email to her for help specific to the issues of the day on her job.
And I think that it’s comfortable for her; a Terminator who’s found God. Perhaps there is an alternate but nonetheless deep and bonding intimacy?
Yesterday she posted a Facebook status report on my health and her efforts in helping me, keyed to the song, “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”.
Thank you so much for the ‘last words’ you left on my blog, J. I got a good laugh, and was reminded of another, if I may:
The notorious French politician Talleyrand lay dying, and King Louis Philippe was called to his deathbed; certainly as a political visit, for they were sworn enemies.
Talleyrand was in terrible pain, and said to the King, “Oh, I feel the tortures of hell!”
And the King cooly replied, “Already?”
Much I love the relationship that you and your wife have treasured, I continue to believe that is a definite exception. Because the Bible simply doesn’t support having marriage without sexual intimacy. If a person feels driven to release their passion into something like the pursuit of flight or another creative endeavor, then that’s great! They should go for it, but they don’t need to be married to do that. Marriage has other expectations and benefits.
And many blessings! Love the last-words story. 🙂
I have to disagree with your logic here. You posit that the Bible verses you cite indicate a requireent that a married couple have sex regularly. However, the requiremnet those verses state is that all sex be within marriage, and that neither person within the marraiage be deprived. There are consequences to sex outside of marriage and consequences to deprivation, but if there is no sex outside of the marriage and no deprivation within it, then there is no reason the consequences should apply.
It seems to me that you are influenced by a presupposition that asexuality–that is, not experiancing sexual desire or need–does not exist because we are sexual beings. Yes, we are sexual beings, but sex drive is a sliding scale. One person may have a very high sex drive while another’s is very low. Paul speaks of this in 1 Corinthians 7:36-37 when he makes a distinction between whose whose “passions are strong” and those who are “under no necessesity”. Is it not reasonable, then, that some people’s sex drive is low enough that it is of no harm to their marriage to go for long periods without having sex?
I agree with you that careful examination, communication, and prayer should take place to make sure that there is not something else wrong. You propose a valuable list of possible considerations. However, I still find no scriptural evidence that low sex drive (maybe practically appering as asexuality) is inherently wrong. Provided the relationship is Godly, faithful, and fulfilling, there is no reason to assume that their lack of sex indicates a brokenness and no reason to bind their conscience as such.
P.S. Your response didn’t seem to match the question much. It was as if you read “we don’t have sex” and started right on without considering what she actually said. I understand that your answer needs to be broad enough to reach others who have similar questions, but perhaps a focused answer to her question and then some broader “if” s would have been less confusing.
“However, I still find no scriptural evidence that low sex drive (maybe practically appering as asexuality) is inherently wrong.” When have I ever said that a low sex drive is “wrong”? I haven’t. I agree that what we call sex drive is on a spectrum, though I believe some of that is our not understanding that some sexual interest is reactive and/or chosen. But I rely on God defining what marriage should be, and it involves regular physical intimacy. There are numerous benefits to the relationship, built into our biology, of regular sexual connection, and not feeding your marriage this way can cause serious problems.
Exceptional blog post. I hearken to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law when I read this post. My wife asked her brother if he and his wife still have sex (they have an older daughter in college now) and they have more time for sex if they like. He stated (paraphrasing): “No, it is too much trouble.”
My face at that response when my wife told me: o_O
Sadly, I think a few Christian marriages have this same attitude as well. How sad when we get to the place to think that sex is a chore instead of an honor and a privilege!
That sort of defeats one of the purposes of marriage. If you don’t want sex and the physical closeness, then why get married at all? Seems like a skewed view of God’s design to me… and one that doesn’t follow God’s plan to boot.
If neither one want it, then there are some heavy issues lurking behind the lack of desire… and they need to seek help!
Maybe as a couple matures in age, they tend to be less sexual, but still rely on the companionship as they have built a lifetime of memories together and their mutual love is unbreakable.
I know 10 years ago even at the age of 48 we were intimate every day for an hour, sometimes waking up in the middle of the night sometimes cuddled together with my erection against her thigh.
Now we are desiring intimacy 2-3 times a week. Not sure what is going to happen 10 years from now, except (whether we are intimate or not) we will still desire companionship.
I love it when I hear from couples in the 70s who say they are still enjoying sexual intimacy. It looks different, but there is still arousal and pleasure.
As someone who’s 48 presently, I’d love to learn more of what intimacy in our 50s and beyond can look like.
As a couple in our 50’s, I can encourage you that it can be as good or better than it was in your 40’s. For us, the improvement required medical help to achieve optimal hormone balance for each of us. I do wish at times for the energy of my younger years, but we rarely go longer than 48 hours without satisfying intimacy.
This is not addressing the question – or maybe it is:
Sex is the sine qua non of marriage. Everything a married couple does in a marriage, they can do outside of marriage without sinning – except for sex. Marriage gives us the privilege of sinless sex – often and enthusiastically. And as we exercise that privilege, we are bound more tightly together into one unit.
Sex is the difference between roommates and mates.
I, for one, cannot imagine “marital bliss” without sex.
This is a wonderful post for couples who either have resolvable physical issues or mental/spiritual misconceptions about sex to work through.
However, I can’t help but think about couples for whom traditional sexual connection isn’t an option. What about couples who have significant medical problems that take sex off the table? I’m thinking about paralysis, or birth defects, or something else along those lines.
Is it impossible for marriages without sex to be intimate and honor God? The verse says that the the spouses should fulfill eachother’s sexual needs. What if there are no sexual needs to fulfill?
That’s a different situation entirely. I think it’s a bit like saying you should get up out of bed every day…unless you can’t. But if you can, don’t just lie there all day.
Call me skeptical, but being a dude, and knowing many other dudes during my 50 years of life, I have NEVER met one who had no interest in sex… ??
In all seriousness though, I found this question to be pretty thought provoking, in that if things are truly as the wife describes them, it makes me sad. But if they enjoy each other’s company, and really have a great marriage, why should it bother me?
I guess the answer lies in the unbelievable joy, and the sense of connection that my beautiful wife and I experience when we engage in this amazing act that is uniquely our own, and cannot be done otherwise, at least not if we follow God’s plan for it.
I would say that my wife and I are absolutely best friends, and we have more fun with each other than with anyone else, regardless of what we’re doing. But I firmly believe that every other aspect of our relationship is strengthened, and made more precious because of the incomparable intimacy that results from being completely vulnerable with each other through the blessing of sex.
Just my take, and I certainly am no authority on the subject, but I can’t imagine hanging out with my sexy bride and not taking full advantage of the most intoxicating gift the Lord ever made for me!???
I don’t think anyone places more value on sex within marriage than I do, and yet I just can’t help but feel like this is not a problem that need to be fixed. Granted, we are taking the facts reported by the wife at face value and assuming that neither spouse truly has any emotional or physical desire for sex. If that is indeed true then I wonder if instead of assuming there is something wrong with thier marriage they shouldn’t both be grateful to God that he placed them both together. I mean, not only did both of these people find someone exactly like themselves sexually, they claim to be very happy. Instead of the heartache and disappointment and hurt so many couples with mismatched sex drives experience, this couples has the gift of having no sexual issues at all. No fighting over sex. Neither spouse can use sex as a tool of manipulation. Neither spouse will ever feel pressured to give sex to fulfill the need of the other. Instead of praying for God to take away thier sex drives because the other spouse doesn’t like sex, God took it away ahead of time. I see that as a blessing, not a curse.
Do I believe this couple will ever have the same level of intimacy as a couple having tons of sex? Absolutely not. Sex is a component that can’t be replaced with anything else to have the kind of deep intimate connection a marriage was meant to have. However, not all couples (or individuals) were created the same. Some couples were matched up with both spouses having a huge sex drive, but fight over money all the time and cheat on each other. Some couples have one spouse with a huge sex drive and the other with no desire for sex at all. If this man and woman love each other and give each other companionship, so be it.
I think it’s possible that God didn’t intend for them to be married, and I believe this to be true for most people who are asexual. But that ship has sailed for these two. If they take care of each other and serve God together, I think pressuring them to have sex when neither spouse has a desire for it would probably just create conflict where before there was none. If there really is trauma or some other reason that can be fixed with treatment or therapy, what happens if each spouse explores that and one spouse actually does manage to awaken his/her sex drive while the other does not? Whereas before you had a happy couple with no sexual issues, now you’re faced with a situation where one partner is completely asexual and the other wants sex and will now feel a void of it isn’t fulfilled. I just don’t know if that is better than what they have now.
Given God’s design for sex in marriage, I believe the peace here is likely to be short-lived and this couple will miss out on greater intimacy they could have. That’s sad.
Also, I really don’t buy that a large number of people are asexual. It’s an anomaly, and I believe that too often, because we have the label, people claim to be asexual when something is actually amiss. I advise ruling out every other option before concluding someone is actually asexual. Because that, to my mind, would be a defect — which could certainly happen, because birth defects happen, but would be less common than some think.
I don’t believe there are many asexual people at all either, but I believe they do exist. I don’t know any details of this situation and many their marriage will fall apart. It’s certainly possible. But a large amount of marriages fall apart because of sex, and even more people wish that they weren’t married but stay in a sexually unfulfilled marriage.
Maybe you’re right and they should seek answers and try to fix themselves. It’s possible that this is God’s will. I’m just not sure that it wasn’t God’s will for them to be blessed with no sexual desire.
Well, I always start with God’s Word as my foundation, and I just don’t see anything there that supports this view. It may be what they want, but God often warns against what we think is best and encourages us to instead pursue His design.
Also, I think we should be careful in characterizing the lack of conflict (over sex or anything else) as peace or health. They aren’t necessarily opposites.
I don’t know. Just to play devils advocate, maybe in this couple’s situation they just happened to each find the perfect partner. Maybe God allowed these two to find each other and have exactly what they need ??♀️ If they’re truly both happy then they are fulfilling each other’s needs.
This isn’t the case for my marriage for sure. There begins to be a tension and some serious snark if we go too long (I’m thinking after babies it really became the impetus to rejoin). But some people might be happy with no chocolate too! I don’t claim to understand those people either! Lol
I’ve also wondered if someone has the propensity toward homosexuality could a marriage that isn’t sexual provide for companionship and love? And assuming it was possible for them to have sex they could still have children. (This would be assuming of course that there was FULL DISCLOSURE from the outside and both were in full agreement.
P.S. please no attacks. I have not done any research-biblical or otherwise and don’t claim to be an expert on this. It’s more my musings. Especially the part about a solution for homosexuals to have companionship within biblical confines.
I just see no biblical example or allowance for a sexless marriage. I cannot support that idea through biology either. So what’s the case for it other than these people want to do that? Except that a lot of things we think we want…aren’t what is really best for us or what would actually give us the greatest happiness.
Several of your responses here state quite strongly that there is no biblical evidence for sexless marriages. (I agree with you by the way) Have you ever put together a blog entry listing the bulk of or at least a good portion of scripture that would defend this statement? It’d be great to have a nice list to reference.
I’ve talked about sexless marriages on the blog and why they aren’t good plenty of times.
Of course as I typed my last message I thought “what does a list matter anyway? The person who I’d like to convince is my wife and she already disagrees with me on a host of biblical issues…this is just another.”
And here’s why that reference sheet probably isn’t such a great idea anyway. If you’re using that to try to tell your spouse she needs to get with it, she’s probably going to go into defense mode. I suggest some other options with my series on sexless marriages. Here’s the final post of that, but it links to all the others: Q&A with J: What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage? Part 4
I used to feel extremely frustrated as a man when our frequency began to decline, which happened more quickly than I would ever have wanted. After reading this, I see the frustration as a good thing, on both our parts. I wouldn’t want to be “contented” without any desire for sex, but that’s me. I also agree that actual physical inability or impairment to making love is a different story.
Please don’t get me wrong about saying our frustration was a good thing: guilt and condemnation are never good things, but our feelings were still there, and THAT was a good thing, and still is. It just meant that something had gone wrong in our quest for intimacy. Now it’s more a function of age. Even so, that desire sprouts up unexpectedly and at opportune times though dry seasons and age increase. We work at it every day, yet it’s not our working at it that brings results – it’s our Father and His grace that does this.
Here’s one thing I think about with the higher-drive spouse: In some marriages, if not for you, there’d be no sex happening. And sex really does — biologically, emotionally, and spiritually — bring husband and wife closer together. So isn’t that a good thing? Where we stumble is our imperfect ways of handling all that, on both sides.
Here’s one thing I think about with the higher-drive spouse: In some marriages, if not for you, there’d be no sex happening. And sex really does — biologically, emotionally, and spiritually — bring us closer together. So isn’t that a good thing? Where we stumble is our imperfect ways of handling all that, on both sides.
Just advocating for the other side:
Bible: The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”
Maybe she is the helpmeet that he needs? Some one equal and loyal and willing to work on intimatcy in other ways. So neither of them has to _be alone_.
Cleave” meaning “to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.” They are doing that.
We make exception for physically being unable, but what about mentally? Would we have a problem with a sexless winter romance (both physically unable but seeking closeness, companionship and loyalty?) I don’t see how these two finding each other and fullfilling each other’s intamacy needs to the level that they require (it never says they don’t like to cuddle,kiss etc) is so different.
Interesting points, Eliza!
But first off, I believe that verse is about women and men being complementary, not specific individuals being made for one another — which is a “soul mate” concept not supported by Scripture. Second, sure, I’d say that mental inability or disability could be an issue, but that’s not likely in most cases…because our sexuality isn’t purely mental but runs quite a bit deeper. And as for a “winter romance,” I’m not really sure about the scenario here — because you can have a romance and companionship without marriage, but if you get married, then some kind of naked, sex-like activity is presumed to be a part of it. I think some of us younger folk too often believe that aging body parts means that you can’t engage in sex of any kind, but I hear differently from the elderly. They still receive pleasure and intimacy through intimate touch and stimulation, even if intercourse cannot happen; in other words, they still have physically “one flesh” experiences.
I don’t mean soul mates. I mean that we can find people we are equally yoked with. God didn’t make them for each other but they followed his Godly example by finding someone they felt they could be equal partners and fulfill each other’s needs. I don’t think they should have to be alone if they found each other and feel equal.
As for the other, you may have more context from the message, but no where does it say they don’t connect physically (clothed or otherwise) just that they don’t want sex. They could be filling their need for physical connection in a way that isn’t sex. (But still intimate and special to them.) From what I understand asexual people still enjoy physical touch. (Kissing, cuddling, caressing).
I just think it is a lot to say you are worried about the state of their future marriage from the snap shot we’ve been given. They say they make sure to give each other attention and time intentionally. They romance each other. I do think it would be very important to regularly check as a couple and make sure both partners are 100% content with their arrangement.
I’m not against them choosing to investigate. Maybe they are both responsive drives and “putting on their jogging shoes” will get them into it. I just don’t think that their marriage will fall apart or they are broken if after all that they decide that it is not building them up or building them together. My 2 cents (adjusted for inflation.)
Well, I’d like to be wrong on that. I just have seen a lot of situations that make me concerned.
I agree with you Eliza. Although I do believe that there is a level of intimacy that can’t be achieved without sexual union, there are definitely other ways to connect. As to your comment about both partners possibly being responsive, it’s way more likely for this to be the case and to work for the wife than the husband. Just the shear mechanics of it mean that if he doesn’t have a sex drive intercourse is impossible. Now, other sexual acts could always be possible (as J mentioned) but intercourse won’t happen. So If we are talking about a physical problem with the husband that can’t be fixed (not sure what that would be) this is mostly a moot point to me.
The best case I see for sex with this couple is if the husband’s sex drive can somehow return. That seems like a prerequisite for anything else. If that happens then they have a chance. From what I’ve read in comments from wives on these forums, the chances of a man with no sexual interest suddenly fixing whatever is wrong are very slim. Nothing is impossible with God, but I don’t know how likely (short of a miracle) it is that two people who don’t want sex will one day have a sex life.
Brian, isn’t the prerequisite for either husband or wife to have the sex drive? I agree it’s typically the male, 70-85% perhaps, but 15-30% of marriage is still a whole lot of females. And I would like to correct that “a man with no sexual interest suddenly fixing whatever is wrong are very slim.” I personally believe we’re facing some unique struggles in our time, and we can address those enough to see positive changes. And there are couples where a no-drive husband turned around; particularly, when the issue was porn-wiring and he finally shook free.
J, I would say that a husband using porn does indeed have a sex drive, so I don’t think that’s what we’re talking about here. As to my comment about the husband needing to have some kind of sex drive to have intercourse, I don’t see how you will have intercourse without an erection and if the man is completely without a sex drive I don’t know that he’s having erections.
Well, drive and biology don’t necessarily go hand in hand. For instance, from reading up and what men tell me, y’all get erections at time when sexual interest isn’t involved. But let’s say a man needs a sex drive to have an erection, then doesn’t a woman need a sex drive (or responsiveness) to become lubricated and appropriately engorged enough down there for a husband’s penis to enter? Putting it simply, if she’s penetrated without being “ready,” that just plain hurts. A lot.
Well, for the sake of argument, let’s say it’s possible for a man to get erections if he has no sex drive. If so, for me the only guaranteed time that happens is when I sleep. When I wake up, I feel aroused and want sex. But, I have a strong sex drive. I’m not sure my erection would last when I wake up if I did not. As an adult, it is pretty rare to have a spontaneous erection like in high school.
As to your point about women, to be honest I’m not completely sure a woman with no sex drive can enjoy sex. I’m not a woman and so I don’t know what it’s like to have sex when I’m not aroused. I only know that it’s possible to have sex with artificial lubricant so in theory a sex life is possible even if she never has any sex drive or physical arousal. My point was that unless the man can get an erection intercourse is impossible.
All that being said, I’ve been thinking about this some more, and I’m convinced that if neither of them had no sex drive, they shouldn’t have gotten married. I believe that to be married means to have sex. So, in a way although they may call themselves man and wife, they are really something else. I don’t know what to call it, but I’m also not sure it’s a bad thing necessarily. They should have just decided to be together as companions and no sex without calling it marriage. If it staves off loneliness and makes them happy while also serving God then fine. We should be glad that they married each other and not someone with a sex drive.
Does this mean we should counsel people to not seek out marriage unless they have sexual interests? Maybe it does.
Brian, I have heard of men getting erections while they were being raped (by another man). I wouldn’t equate that erection with a ‘sex drive’ at all, I would imagine experts would consider that a ‘biological response’ to physical stimulation.
It’s interesting because when I’m feeling best friends and emotionally close to my husband that’s when I desire sex the most. Its a feeling beyond physical…its a feeling of wanting the deepest possible connection with the person I love most. So it’s amazing to me that they have this great relationship with no desire for the physical fulfillment of it…that doesn’t make logical sense. I agree with J that they should at least look into what else could be going on because why settle for good enough when you can have the best of God’s plan?! 🙂
I don’t know the happily married couple’s state of mind. but I believe them in that they are happy with being best friends and in love in a sexless marriage.
20 years ago, I got rear ended and suffered a whiplash injury and didn’t make love with my wife for a week. I didn’t go back to having frequent love making 5-7 times a week until about a month after the accident.
About a week after the accident I went for a follow up appointment and told the PA about the effect it was having on my desire, She said the most important sex organ is the brain
I remember watching a game show called Match Game in the 70’s of regular on the show famous for making humorous slogans (Nipsey Russell) When he was asked “Will sex be great when I’m 88?” he responds from the laugh of the audience “It might be but I won’t participate”
Interestingly, Nipsey Russell lived to be 87.
It’s one thing, however, to have a season when sex does not or cannot happen and to have that as a feature of your entire marriage. I simply do not see that in Scripture, or the sense of it. I wonder if some of us, frustrated with conflict about sex in marriage, want to believe that a mutually sexless marriage could be good. And I’d be willing to concede that, except that my foundation is always: What does God say about it? What does research say about it? What do people who have lived through that situation say about it? And those all support that sex should be happening in a marriage.
Awesome thoughts as usual J, very thorough and well done. So glad your steadfast in what you believe and know. Thank you for making us think, stretching us, God keep using you ?
I agree about labels, these days. To use your analogy, people use labels to say they identify as a lay down person just because they don’t want to get out of bed. They can, just don’t want to. Then they cry labels to keep from hearing the truth. Heck, nowadays, you might even be arrested or fired for speaking truth against labels. I would give the woman a pass if I knew she has exhausted all truth in the matter. I hope she knows her husband’s heart because there are many men who will “gladly” do without than have to maneuver a mine field of excuses, blow ups, & heartache.
That said though, if it is legitimate, then I say amen. At least to the point that nothing can be done about it. I kinda think there could be people out there that are married that didn’t need to be. Like the reverse of single people fornicating that need to be married, but don’t know it. Just a thought.
When both Paul & Jesus say it is better not to be married than to be married, can we say it is better to have marriage sex than to not (taking the email at face value)? I’m not so sure I can make that call, for these people, to say they are missing out on imtimacy (assuming they are being totally honest with each other). There is a lot about God & what He has people do that doesn’t make sense to everyone.
We can ask them in Heaven if it worked, unless she writes back in 30 years to tell you.
Interesting thoughts. But where did Jesus say it was better to be unmarried? I don’t see that. He gives provision for that option, but doesn’t say it’s better.
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