Way back in 2013, I contributed a guest post to Jolene Engle’s 31 Days to a Better Marriage series. I re-read the post, tweaked it just a bit, and wanted to share it with y’all. So here it is, on a subject near and dear to my heart: wives who desire and enjoy sex in marriage and what that says about them.

Can sex-driven wives be godly wives?

I’m tempted to answer my own question, “You bet,” and leave it at that.

Yet I know the struggle many Christian wives feel. I’ve felt it too. That sense that if you really enjoy sex with your husband…

If you desire, delve, and delight in sex…
If you even invite, initiate, and indulge in sex…
If you—heaven forbid!—mention aloud to other Christian wives how much you enjoy sex, then…

Maybe you’re not quite up to snuff on the disciple-o-meter. After all, how could you be so obsessed with the physical side of life when God is clearly only interested in the spiritual?

Unfortunately, the Church and its people have often blurred the lines between premarital purity and fully-endorsed-by-the-Father sex in marriage. Entire generations of women were raised in the church to believe that “good girls don’t” and, after marriage, “good girls do, but don’t want to.” The stigma remains in some circles that if you crave and revel in good sex with your husband, then you’re somehow lesser-than.

Here’s the biblical truth: God created you to be a sexual being.

God gifted marriage with sexual intimacy.

God is not the least bit taken aback by a wife who loves having sex or even desires sex more than her husband. He’s commanded us to have sex (Genesis 2:24), and the Bible fully recognizes that we ladies have some sexual fire in us (see 1 Corinthians 7:3-9). God planted that desire and expects us to fulfill it in marriage.

In the Song of Songs, a book of the Bible devoted to sexual intimacy, the wife eagerly invites her husband to make love to her. “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (1:4); “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16).  And after the couple makes love, there’s a part often attributed to “Friends,” but scholars now largely agree that it represents God’s voice. What does that voice say? “Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love” (5:1). In other words, chow down on the love feast, husbands and wives!

Moreover, we can look at how God created our body, the one He knitted together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Here’s more proof that God’s on our side when it comes to wives and sex: the clitoris.  For years, scientists assumed that the clitoris had some reproductive or functional use, so they studied and studied. And came up empty. Its whole purpose seems to be female pleasure. Yep, the clitoris is a gift-wrapped present from God for married wives to experience arousal, pleasure, and climax.

Despite the evidence, however, many Christians intimate that higher desire wives are, well, weird. Like we’re an endangered species, or should be.

It’s still common to hear Christians talking about the importance of sex in terms of a wife needing to meet her husband’s needs, without regard to completely legitimate intimacy needs that wives have!

And those of us who really like and want sex feel like dodo birds … or maybe, let’s face it, sluts. Indeed, with my history of premarital promiscuity, it was difficult to oust this label from my own mind and embrace the way God saw my marital intimacy—as right and good and honorable.

Even spiritual. Yes, spiritual.

Spiritual values can have physical manifestations.

Consider that Jesus’s spiritual commands have a physical component:

• Love someone … by treating them as the Good Samaritan cared for the injured Jew.
• Help others … by giving to the poor.
• Serve others … by giving your time and resources to care for them.

Our deeds demonstrate the maturity of our faith and love.

Likewise, God blessed marriage with a physical manifestation of relational and spiritual intimacy with your mate: affection, yes, but also sex. And as long as you’re doing it in a way that honors your spouse, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to grab hold of that blessing.

Proverbs 13:12 states that “a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” God infused you with a longing for deep, physical intimacy with your mate.

If you’re focused on sexual intimacy to the neglect of other parts of your relationship, that’s one thing. (And a thing you should look into and resolve.) But if you simply desire and enjoy sex with your husband, that’s a longing from God. One who wants to fulfill.

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The most common sex struggle I hear from spouses is a mismatch in sexual desire. One wants sex more often than their mate, while the other wants it less often than their mate.

Roughly speaking, it’s about half of marriages where the husband wants sex more, about a quarter where the wife wants sex more, and about a quarter where husband and wife are fairly matched. Of course, marriage can move in and out of those categories in different seasons, so that’s a one-time snapshot that represents the general distribution.

How can you address this mismatch in sexual desire?

Before we talk that out, may I remind you that I have a new resource on this very question? It’s the 2025 Sex Seminar, with 25 sex and marriage experts sharing practical insights, and my presentation is titled “The Higher Desire Handbook.” Right now, you can get the full seminar for only $35 with my unique link. Okay, moving on now.

Sex Is Emotional

We should begin with this truth: sex isn’t just a physical act. If it’s been treated like that in your marriage, by you or your spouse, it isn’t getting the due it deserves.

God created us not to want simply physical pleasure and sexual release but to pursue intimacy with a partner we’ve committed to. It carries with it a lot of emotions.

When the gap is large, however, those emotions often become negative. The higher or lower desire spouse feels hurt for different reasons, but they may not understand what their mate is feeling.

Today, I’m hoping to change that.

The Less Interested Spouse

Some time back, I posted How the Sexually Rejected Spouse Feels followed by How the Sexually Disinterested Spouse Feels. Since then, I’ve realized how often we begin these discussions with the rejected spouse, perhaps making it feel to the lower desire one that the focus is on fueling a sense of guilt. That’s absolutely not my goal! So I want to start with you, dear spouse, who wants sex less than your mate.

First off, I recognize that you may have good reasons for not having sex often, or even at all. After reading this post, I suggest you check out 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex. But when less interested spouses share how they feel, many of the same words get mentioned:

• Angry
• Annoyed
• Broken
• Discouraged
• Exhausted
• Frustrated
• Inadequate
• Objectified
• Obligated
• Overwhelmed
• Pressured
• Resentful
• Used

Some of these emotions may have come from how the higher desire spouse handled the issue—pushing or pleading instead of than inviting and appreciating. That’s not okay.

But such feelings can also come from internal insecurities and/or bad messages about sex from various sources. For instance, far too many women have been told that sex is for men (so have far too many men!) and thus enter marriage with a belief that they must perform or their husband won’t have his needs met—and even that he might start looking elsewhere. (See The #1 Myth Christian Women Learned about Sex.) I long for you to embrace better truths about yourself and sexual intimacy as God intended.

As for the higher desire spouse reading this, please take a moment—a really looooong moment—to have compassion for your spouse going through such painful emotions. What a burden to feel all that! And we are called to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). Rather than try to correct the record or argue with their emotions, get curious. Ask what your spouse feels and why, really listen, and consider how you can demonstrate a desire not just in sex but for intimacy with the one you chose and love.

The More Interested Spouse

Meanwhile, the higher desire spouse experiences their own emotions about the situation. Now, I’m not talking about the spouse who periodically gets a no. That should be no big deal. Everyone in marriage should have the option of saying no to a particular invitation to have sex. There’s always tomorrow or the next day.

Rather, spouses who experience ongoing sexual refusal or disinterest from their spouse say that they feel:

• Alone
• Anxious
• Disappointed
• Disconnected
• Frustrated
• Heartbroken
• Inadequate
• Needy
• Neglected
• Resentful
• Selfish
• Undesirable

Yes, they might talk about some physical discomfort when they’ve gone a while without sex, but the vast majority of what I hear from higher desire spouses is a sense of loneliness and sadness. They long for the kind of intimacy that uniquely comes from sexual closeness.

It may help some lower desire spouses out there to recognize that, expressed or not, a stack of nos can add up to real feelings of rejection. That doesn’t mean a less interested spouse needs to schlep themselves to the bedroom for more sex. But perhaps this knowledge will inspire someone out there to work on closing the desire gap and learning how to have sex that you both enjoy.

Do We Not Bleed?

We can make a lot out of being different: our family origins, men vs women, higher or lower sexual desire. But whatever the distinctions, we have more in common than not. We are human. As Shakespeare famously said, “If you prick us, do we not bleed?” Yes, we all do. We also “bleed” emotions inside.

If you’re struggling with mismatched desire in your marriage, it may be time to think less about what you’re going through and more about what emotions your spouse is having. How do they view the gap? Do they have hurts that will take time to heal? Do they need reassurance of your love? Can you change your approach in some way to become more of a team working through this common challenge?

REMINDER: I can help you with becoming that better team, with my video on “The Higher Desire Handbook,” now available through the 2025 Sex Seminar. You’ll also find a session for lower desire spouses, as well as 23 other presentations. All for the low cost of ONLY $35 with my unique link. OR get the 6-year bundle of Sex Seminars for only $69. Don’t miss out on this deal!

References:

Feldhahn, Shaunti, and Michael Sytsma. “Part of the Marriage Intimacy Project – Survey Data And …” Secrets of Sex & Marriage, January 30, 2023. https://secretsofsexandmarriage.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Secrets-of-sex-and-marriage_demo_research-doc_V23-1.pdf.

William Shakespeare. The Merchant of Venice. Barbara Mowat, Paul Werstine, Michael Poston, Rebecca Niles, eds (Washington, DC: Folger Shakespeare Library, n.d.), accessed September 18, 2025. https://www.folger.edu/explore/shakespeares-works/the-merchant-of-venice/read/3/1/.

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I’ve covered many of these topics on my site, but here’s another great resource I want to tell you about: The Virtual Sex Seminar 2025.

This one-of-a-kind online marriage event is focused on helping couples like you create deeper intimacy, better communication, and a sex life you actually love.

Here’s what you’ll get:

• 25 expert-led video classes (yours to watch anytime, anywhere)
• Topics like foreplay, desire differences, roleplay, body confidence, pelvic floor health, and more
• All from the privacy of your own home
• Full-year access

And here’s the best part: With my exclusive link, you can grab your pass for just $35. That’s less than $1.50 per session!

My session is titled “The Higher Desire Handbook: Understanding Your Spouse, Clearing the Roadblocks, and Building a Better Sex Life.” I held nothing back, giving as many insights as I could about navigating the desire gap from the perspective of the higher interest spouse.

Right now, you can also get the 6-Year Bundle (2020–2025) for just $69. That includes FOUR sessions from me, plus many more hours of wisdom, laughter, and “aha!” moments—all for less than most date nights.

Ready to invest in your sex life? Click below to get your deal.

The post Your Marriage, Your Bedroom, Your Seminar appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

When I first began blogging (way back in 2009), only a few Christian books about sex were available. You might find on the shelves of your local Christian bookstore such offerings as The Act of Marriage by Tim & Beverly Lahaye, Intended for Pleasure by Ed & Gaye Wheat, Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, and The Gift of Sex by Cliff & Joyce Penner. There were a few others, but not many. And Christian publishers resisted using terms like “vagina” and “penis,” concerned that such direct talk would put off sensitive customers. (Perhaps they should have re-read their oh-so-frank Bibles, but I digress.)

I read all of those books years back, within a short time, and checked out as many other resources as I could find … and still discovered a lot of open space and opportunity to share biblical and practical advice for better sex in marriage.

Nowadays, the problem isn’t a lack of Christian books about sex, but a lack of time to read them all and deciding which ones to prioritize. I currently have 10 books about sex in my To Be Read pile. And since I tend to flip-flop between fiction and nonfiction, it will take me a while to get through them! Maybe you’re facing a similar issue: wanting good resources about sex but needing to figure out which ones are worth your time.

Which Books to Read

How can you discern which sex/marriage books are right for you? My to-read list could easily be 30 books long instead of 10, but I pick and choose before I begin reading which ones I want to spend time on. You can do the same.

First, consider your needs.

What aspect of your marital intimacy needs attention? If you’re in a season of sexual betrayal, a book about how to spice things up will not address your issues. But maybe your sex life is going good but not great, and you could use that sex tip book.

Maybe you’re facing issues of aging, and a sex book about lovemaking in your golden years could be useful (e.g., A Celebration of Sex After 50 by Douglas Rosenau). Maybe you’re just starting out and need some newlywed advice (Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start by Cliff & Joyce Penner, Lovemaking by Dan & Linda Wilson). Or maybe you have bigger issues and need resources about sexual brokenness (Rethinking Sexuality by Juli Slattery, Sexpectations by Dr. Carol Tanksley).

When I’m asked which of my books someone should buy, I describe what they each are and ask which one might speak to their particular issue. And if none of them speaks to what they’re going through, I happily recommend another resource. Maybe someday one of my books will serve that spouse, but their immediate needs should steer what book they pick up today.

Second, learn something about the authors.

Start with finding out why they wrote a book about sex. Those who write books about sex do so for one or more reasons:

1. They have credentials in the area (doctor, marriage counselor, sex therapist, etc.) and possess useful information through training and experience that they can share with others.
2. They have a personal testimony about how they learned God’s design for sex, began to live it out, and experienced improved pleasure and intimacy.
3. They became intrigued by the topic, engaged in deep, personal study, and now want to share what they’ve learned with others who could benefit.
4. They have strong opinions about how sex should be happening in marriage and feel others need to hear their message.
5. They see that books on sex sell well, and they figure why not.

With the exception of that last reason, I could name excellent books on sex primarily motivated by any of the other four reasons. But knowing the reason the author penned the book can help you identify whether their insight will be useful for you and what angle they’re writing from.

In my case, I do a ton of research to make sure my advice is as accurate as I can make it, but I constantly let y’all know that I’m not a doctor, a licensed therapist, or a trauma-trained counselor. If you want those expert opinions, I’m not your best resource.

Also, if someone’s ministry focuses on a strong message that they feel needs to be said, they may see many issues through that lens. They may not cover scenarios outside their purview. Sometimes, that’s great, because we need resources that speak to specific situations! Sometimes, that’s not so great, because they can lose the view of the forest for the trees. It all depends on the author and resource, but again, knowing something about the author’s background and purpose can help you decide whether a particular book is worth your time.

Third, sample the message.

You can get a taste of what a book is about by checking out the description or an excerpt, reading a review, and/or listening to an author interview.

Every book on Amazon or Christian Book has a description. For instance, mine for Pillow Talk reads:

The description can give you an overview of what to expect. You can also read an excerpt by clicking Read Sample or checking out my post with a sample chapter. Most authors offer samples of their books so that you can get a sense of the book’s purpose, tone, and format.

You can also read reviews from online bookstores or others you admire. From time to time, I offer reviews of books here, and colleagues have done the same. If you like a particular author, you might like another author your trusted one recommends.

How to Read the Book

I have some tips on how to read a marriage book, including:

If you get a marriage book in which 80–90% of the advice is good, it’s a wonderful resource. Ignore the 10–20% and focus on how much good stuff you’re getting, some of which you can put into practice and reap the benefits.

But I encourage you to read the entire post: How to Read a Marriage Book. As well as the tips in the top half of this post: Which Sex Books Should You Read?

What about My Books?

Here are short descriptors of my books:

• Hot, Holy & Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design – a how-to book for Christian wives on improving sexual intimacy in their marriage
• Intimacy Revealed (soon to be retitled Biblical Intimacy) – a devotional book for wives on what the Bible says about sex, along with practical takeaways to put God’s design into practice
• Pillow Talk – a conversation guide (not just starters) for couples to go through together so that they can navigate the challenges of sex, experience greater pleasure, and embrace true intimacy

I also wrote Beatitudes in the Bedroom: Embracing the Blessings for Your Marriage Bed, applying those passages to sexual intimacy, and a collection of short stories titled Behind Closed Doors: Five Marriage Stories.

If that first one appeals to you, I’m having a sale on the print book for anyone who lives in the contiguous United States: $5 for each signed copy, shipping included! (Sorry, others, but the shipping elsewhere is painfully high.)

Announcing My Next Book

While I love every one of my books, I’m particularly excited about my upcoming release. I have long felt called to write a book specifically for those 20–25% of wives who desire sex more than their husbands. Thankfully, my wonderful agent, Karen Neumair of Credo Communications, believed I was the right person for this project as well and pitched our proposal to several publishers. It was a Dream Come True when Baker Books, the largest independent Christian publisher, offered me a contract.

Since then, the book has gone through drafting; editing, editing, editing, and more editing; cover design; formatting; and other preparation you don’t care about. The main point is that The Higher Desire Wife will be available on March 18, 2025! And you can preorder your copy now.

A husband always wants more sex than his wife, right? Many marriage resources make that assumption, but up to 25 percent of marriages have a higher desire wife! While these women are not alone, they may feel that way as standard sex advice doesn’t address their needs. They may even feel like there is something wrong with them or they should be ashamed of their high sex drive.

Author and speaker J. Parker has been there. In The Higher Desire Wife, she pairs extensive research and personal stories to help the higher desire wife nurture healthy and holy intimacy in her marriage. In these frank and compassionate pages, you’ll learn how to

• understand potential causes of your husband’s lower sex drive
• approach the topic with him in a loving and effective way
• find solutions and compromises to close the desire gap

God designed marriage to fulfill both husband and wife. J. Parker comes alongside you as a trusted friend to help you understand that you’re normal, you’re not alone, and things can get better.

Click to Buy or Learn More

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It’s a great problem to have: I haven’t been able to blog lately because I’m in a crunch with a book deadline. My wonderful publisher, Baker Books, awaits the latest draft of The Higher Desire Wife, which will be released early in 2025. Since I’ve been steeped in this topic for a while, I decided to look back at the first-ever post I wrote about higher desire wives, way back in 2012.

While I have a LOT more information, insight, and encouragement in my upcoming book (so stay tuned!), what I originally said on this topic held up pretty well. I’d add far more reasons for a husband’s unwillingness to engage sexually, and more advice on how a wife can help her husband get on board, but for what I covered, I stand by it. And I thought it might be worth sharing again, especially since about 25% of marriages have a higher desire wife.

So here it is, originally titled She Wants, He Doesn’t Want (which is a line from the 1967 film Two for the Road, with Audrey Hepburn and Albert Finney ).

Men are always the ones hot for sex, while women are lukewarm to cold much of the time. Right? That’s what society, and many churches now, tell us over and over. So it must be true!

No, it’s not always true.

Some wives go day to day questioning what’s wrong with them or their marital relationship because they desire a physically intimate relationship but their hubby doesn’t. It’s the hush-hush secret we don’t discuss that some men don’t care much about having sex, and their wives are silently suffering.

So what happens when a woman isn’t sexually desired by her husband? Most women start to question. They wonder to themselves one or more of the following:

“What’s wrong with me?”

If all husbands are panting and grabbing after their women 24/7 and my husband barely glances my direction when I don a sheer negligee, is there something about me that is distasteful? Am I not attractive?  Why doesn’t he find me physically pleasing?

You are likely a beautiful woman. Your husband desired you enough to marry you. As long as you are reasonably keeping yourself up, your husband should find you attractive. If he doesn’t, there’s something amiss with his standards.

There are things that many women can do to turn their hubbies’ heads (flattering clothes, presentation, etc.), but a man who has almost no sex drive is probably not going to respond merely because you throw on a black lace teddy tonight.

“Is he having an affair?”

If men think about sex every 7 seconds* and my hubby hasn’t thought about it in three weeks, is he getting his fix elsewhere? Is he not pursuing me because he’s already caught another woman?

Some men are having affairs. But if you have no other clues in that direction, this is probably not the case. Moreover, married men in affairs may continue to have sex with their wives, so lack of interest isn’t overwhelming evidence of infidelity. It is probably evidence of lack of interest, period.

“Is he gay?”

Is he simply not interested in sex with women generally? Is he desirous of another kind of relationship? Could he possibly be homosexual? 

There are no good statistics on how many spouses eventually “come out” as homosexual, but it isn’t common. Once again, if you have no other hints that your spouse could be gay, he most likely isn’t. Lack of sex drive is not a good clue for sexual orientation. 

“Is our marriage over?”

Does he not find me physically attractive because he is simply no longer in love with me? Does he not want a sexual relationship because he doesn’t want any kind of relationship with me? 

The marriage is not over. If you have a good relationship otherwise, you can most likely improve this area of your marital life as well.

If you are not experiencing a good marital relationship overall, and your sex life is also poor, you should seek professional help. If your spouse will not go with you, go alone and see if the counselor has suggestions for what you can do to positively impact you both.

Got a desire discrepancy in your marriage? We can help!

“Is something physically wrong with him?”

Is there a medical or emotional problem getting in the way of his sex drive? Is he too embarrassed to admit it? Is he simply okay with not having sex? 

This is the most likely reason for your spouse’s lack of interest! A sufficient amount of testosterone is required for a man to experience a normal sex drive; if he is low on this hormone, his sex drive will decrease.

Low thyroid, depression, high blood sugar, and other factors can also affect your husband’s libido. In addition, negative events of the past can impede a person’s desire and enjoyment of sex with their partner.

If a man was molested or inappropriately exposed to sexual material as a child, it can suppress his ability to engage in appropriate physical intimacy now. 

“What can I do to improve our sex life?”

If I bring up this subject, will I embarrass him? Will he be angry? Hurt? Even less attracted to me? Is there any fix available?

Ultimately, you must bring up the topic if you want to see any improvement. If you are concerned that he will be embarrassed, angry, hurt, or whatever, I recommend scheduling a therapy session with a Christian marriage counselor and addressing it in that safe environment. If you can address it with him alone, select a time away from the children, household interruptions, etc. and find a place with privacy and quiet.

In either setting, don’t complain about the lack of sex or unleash your theories about why he doesn’t desire you; rather, explain that you are concerned about your physical relationship, that you desire greater sexual intimacy, and that you want to address any and all issues that affect your lack of connection in that area. If there was a time when things were better, you can reference a “Remember When…” and explain that you want to experience that closeness again. 

“Is this as good as it gets?”

Am I relegated to a sexless marriage? If it never gets any better, how can I remain in this marriage? How can I be okay with that? 

I wish I could answer this one. A sexless marriage is NOT what God intended. Having said that, if my husband was physically injured tomorrow in a way that made it impossible for us to be physically intimate, would I stay? Absolutely!!! However, I understand that being unable to perform and unwilling to engage are two different things. I simply advise that you spend time in prayer asking for God’s help to work through the hurt and the loneliness you likely feel during this time. Sex is not the only reason to get married; there are many other benefits to having a relationship with your spouse.

Frankly, I don’t know if men ask these questions of themselves when they are living in a sexless marriage. Not having yet cracked the code of the male brain—which my husband swears is a relatively simple connect-the-dots puzzle—I still don’t understand guy thinking. (For instance, when a man says he is thinking about nothing, apparently he is. How is that even possible?!)

But women whose husbands have physically neglected them are probably going through a self-evaluation more extensive than the battery of tests given to a patient on psychiatric commitment. It is okay to ponder the problem, but not good to obsess and question every little thing about yourself or your marriage. Address the issue, seek help if needed, and pray for greater physical intimacy.

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