Welcome to the third installment of a series on premarital sex. In Part 1, we looked at what the Bible says about premarital sex. In Part 2, we addressed challenges to the Church’s ban on premarital sex. I intended the third post to be about how to maintain sexual integrity, but then I realized I needed a post to explain what sexual integrity is and how it blesses us. So, I’ll get to the practical how next week!

Does Abstinence Matter?

Teens and singles have often been encouraged to stay a virgin, maintain one’s purity, and/or practice abstinence. I’ve encouraged it too. It’s the biblical position that sex should be reserved for one’s spouse; thus, having sex outside of marriage is not God’s design.

However, a singular focus on abstinence before marriage has left a lot to be desired. It’s led to people erecting unbiblical boundaries to hold their virgin status—from doing everything but the deed to avoiding any physical contact with one’s intended, and many options in between. It’s left people feeling judged for past behaviors, current mistakes, or even stray thoughts. (See Where Purity Culture Got It Wrong, Let’s Get It Right.) It hasn’t always addressed other sexual sin, such as pornography and/or lusting. (See What Is Lusting?) And it’s put so much focus on what happens before marriage to the exclusion of what purity looks like in all seasons of life.

Thankfully, many Christian marriage writers and speakers have recently talked more about having sexual integrity. Why sexual integrity?

This one-minute video from the McCombs School of Business at the University of Texas explains integrity well. (Please be sure to watch!)

Using the video’s main points, sexual integrity for a Christian might be defined, then, as:

• Doing what’s right for the specific season they’re in, which could involve abstinence, engaging regularly and solely with one’s spouse, or showing self-control while working on healing and restoration.
• Understanding, accepting, and choosing to live according to God’s design for sexual intimacy.
• Avoiding corruption or hypocrisy (something too many believers haven’t done while yet preaching abstinence).
• Following God’s plan for sexual integrity whether it’s easy or difficult and whether tangibly rewarded or not.

Doing What’s Right

For years before I did “the deed,” I was a technical virgin. That is, I had not had intercourse and presumably, therefore, retained my V-card. But I hadn’t avoided sexual activity altogether. Like many other teenagers, I wanted to know how far I could go and then put the tips of my toes right on that line.

If only I’d understood that “How far is too far?” is the wrong question. Rather, we should ask, “What’s right?” or rather “What’s righteous?” What really honors God?

Is Abstinence Before Marriage the Right Goal? "'How far is too far?' is the wrong question. Rather, we should ask, 'What's right?' or rather 'What's righteous?' What really honors God?" @hotholyhumorous
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Once we focus on doing what’s right, our choices become clearer. Especially when our views of righteousness are less informed by object lessons about “soul ties” (which I don’t believe, by the way) or strictures regarding modesty than biblical principles. For instance, look at these passages:

• “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23).
• “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
• “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

Based on those concepts, one can see that pushing sexual boundaries before marriage is not righteous, but withholding affection and intimacy during marriage is also problematic. Moreover, it’s not just what we do with our bodies, but with our minds, hearts, and eyes as well. Are we honoring God with how we look at others? How we treat them? How we demonstrate love? Such precepts can clear up a lot of fuzziness.

But as Christians in community, we should additionally ask: Are we honoring God to deny compassion, forgiveness, and support for those who failed but want to do better? Shouldn’t we be helping everyone, regardless of their current circumstance or past sin, to embrace sexual integrity?

Living by One’s Principles

Legalism has always existed among God’s people. Those wanting to know what’s okay and what’s not okay can find others willing to provide a ready-made list of dos and don’ts. Now, some of those dos and don’ts may indeed reflect God’s design, but even when they do, they can miss the main point.

Just look at what Jesus Christ said to the legalists of His time:

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.

Matthew 23:23

Jesus agreed there were rules, but He wanted the spotlight where it belongs: on living according to godly principles.

If there was a passage about abstinence in the same vein, we might imagine that Jesus would say that not having sex outside marriage is good but insufficient. Checking that box means little if we don’t also live out justice, mercy, and faithfulness. It isn’t simply what we do or don’t do, but rather who we are as people of sexual integrity before God.

When we live by godly principles, it’s easier both to follow the rules—the dos and don’ts that apply to all situations—and to discern what’s wise and good in specific situations where the answers may be less cut-and-dry.

Free of Corruption or Hypocrisy

Far too often, it comes to light that a pastor who preached abstinence before marriage is involved in a sex scandal himself. We can scream about the corruption and hypocrisy of such folks—and we should—but a lot of believers have engaged in their own secret sin regarding sexuality.

If not having sex is the goal, then you can pride yourself on that achievement while still watching pornography, reading erotic novels, lusting after others, having a masturbation habit, or talking incessantly and vulgarly about sex. But by sexual integrity standards, that’s corruption and hypocrisy.

Then there’s the hypocrisy of saying that sex is a gift from God within marriage, then getting married and avoiding sex like it’s a white elephant gift you would happily dispose of. Or demanding sex with your spouse in a way that shows neither mercy to your mate nor faithfulness to God.

Do you “consistently demonstrate good character by being free of corruption or hypocrisy” in the area of sexuality? If that doesn’t describe you, you can find true freedom—in Christ (see John 8:31-36)—and instead live out true sexual integrity.

Regardless of Circumstance or Consequences

Living with integrity ensures a reward from God. Consider these verses:

• “The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands He has repaid me” (Psalm 18:20).
• “One who pays attention to the word will find good, and blessed is one who trusts in the Lord” (Proverbs 16:20).
• “Blessed are those who hear the word of God and follow it” (Luke 11:28b).

However, some have taken the truth that obedience brings blessing and implied that the reward is tangible and immediate. For example, some spouses were promised that waiting until sex for marriage practically guaranteed fantastic sex in marriage. And if/when that didn’t happen, they felt they’d been sold a batch of snake oil. To be fair, they kinda had.

While waiting certainly improves your odds of better marital intimacy, sex in marriage is a complex relationship! Just because the tab-A, slot-B mechanics are straightforward doesn’t mean the human dynamics are without challenges. Nearly every marriage will face a struggle in this area at one time or another.

You may experience blessings within your marriage for your faithfulness, or you may experience trials for a short or a long time. Still, as the video explains, “Integrity is revealed when people act virtuously regardless of circumstance or consequences.”

And the blessings God promises are more about who we become and how God reconciles us to Him:

• “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ “(Ephesians 1:3).
• “Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him” (James 1:12).

Think about Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. You probably know them better by their Babylonian names: Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. These God-followers refused to bow down to an idol, but instead of receiving an immediate and tangible attaboy from Heaven, they got thrown into a fiery furnace so hot that it killed the guards who tossed them in. Before they were catapulted into the fire, however, they made this statement:

If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.

Daniel 3:17-18 (emphasis added)

Saved or not, they chose to do the right thing. That’s integrity.

Likewise, sexual integrity for the believer is doing the right thing whether it’s easy or difficult, whether it results in positive or negative (immediate) outcomes, whether it leads to sexual excitement the likes of which you cannot express or moments of loneliness and despair. THAT IS A HARD TEACHING, but it’s in line with how God has called us to live and serve Him in this world.

Sexual Integrity Comes from the Heart

I wish the word purity hadn’t been made, well, impure in its meaning for many Christians. In its best sense, pure means free of contamination or immorality.

Ideally, you never get tainted, but all kinds of substances that get contaminated can be purified. How much more can God return us to a pure state, no matter how little or large we failed! “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

Before marriage, God’s Word offers this prescription for purity, or sexual integrity:

How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.

Psalm 119:9

The goal isn’t abstinence, or any other single checklist item, but living according to God’s Word, seeking Him with all our heart. Yes, we should do the right things. But ultimately, sexual integrity isn’t about what you avoid but who you pursue.

And it’s never the wrong time to run into the Father’s arms.

Is Abstinence Before Marriage the Right Goal?: "Sexual integrity isn't about what we avoid but who we pursue. And it's never the wrong time to run into the Father's arms." @hotholyhumorous
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If you need some inspiration, this song came to mind as I was writing: Constant by Watermark.

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The post Is Abstinence Before Marriage the Right Goal? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

First, however, the recent Atlanta shooting brought the issue of purity culture out in the news, and I briefly discussed that fact in my prior post. However, a reader contacted me with more information about the gunman and his concern that I left a wrong impression. I appreciated his insight and inserted this note in that last post:

Others have used this opportunity to discuss purity teaching in the church, but I don’t know the shooter’s motives or what he was taught. Please do not take anything in this post as knowledge of the shooter’s history or reasoning.

Moving on to the issue at hand!

What is purity culture?

Let’s quickly revisit that Purity Culture as a concept largely began with the True Love Waits curriculum launched by Lifeway in 1993. That turned into a movement with pledge cards, purity rings, conferences, books, and more—all emphasizing the importance of sexual abstinence before marriage.

Some of the messages were biblical, but too many were extrabiblical and/or dismissive of God’s love, grace, and forgiveness. Other forms of godly purity were not given sufficient coverage while this one aspect was elevated and at times treated as determinative of one’s standing in the kingdom.

Yes, God is concerned about our sexuality, but as an outgrowth of our hearts and souls.

Yes, God is concerned about our sexuality, but as an outgrowth of our hearts and souls. #Christiansex #purityculture #marriage
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Let’s do some myth-busting.

Again, I want to say that not all of the messages were bad. Some attacks on Purity Culture want to throw out the baby with the bathwater. But y’all are too smart for that. ~wink~

We can keep the good and filter out the bad and not-quite-right. Let’s take on a few prominent myths.

Courtship, not dating.

The Bible does say, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14), and God repeatedly tells His people to choose a mate from among their own—not referring to race, ethnicity, or nationality, but to their faith. So yes, we shouldn’t choose a marriage partner who doesn’t share our devotion to Christ.

(To those already in that situation, please understand there’s no condemnation for that! See 1 Corinthians 7:13-14.)

But is going out on a date being “yoked”? And is courtship—”the time when people have a romantic relationship with the intention of getting married“—from the beginning the best or only way?

Actually, the Bible shows a number of ways people ended up with their mate. Some were matched by their parents, some found and pursued their love interest, some were rewarded a wife for heroic deeds (sigh…it was the culture then), some fulfilled a family duty, some made a great first impression, and so on.

Moreover, I know Christians who dated, Christians who courted, one couple who dated everyone else in their social circle before they finally courted, Christians who met in person, Christians who met online, and Christians who [fill in the blank] and ended up with solid, godly marriages.

Conclusions

• If possible, God wants us married to (“yoked” with) a fellow believer.
• Being in a relationship that could lead to marriage with someone who isn’t a believer is unwise.
• Though dating could lead to a relationship, a date isn’t the equivalent of a relationship.
• God accepts a variety of paths from meet to marry—including courtship, but not only courtship.
• God wants to bless your marriage however you got there.

Waiting ensures good sex in marriage.

Yes, God’s initial and ideal design is a single sexual partner (one man, one woman), and physical intimacy after a God-blessed, witnessed commitment (husband and wife).

Benefits of waiting include the security of that commitment underlying a very vulnerable experience, the joy of discovering and exploring sexual pleasure and connection together, no pop-up-window comparisons in your mind to prior lovers or worry that you’re being compared, a high unlikelihood of sexually transmitted infections, and the structure of a family for children if/when conception occurs.

Hey, I wish I’d waited. I wish my husband had been my only lover. I wish I hadn’t entered marriage with that particular baggage or added baggage for my previous lovers to take into their marriage. But EVERYONE enters marriage with baggage, whether it’s inaccurate theology, past experiences, erroneous expectations, etc.

And if you didn’t have any of those challenges, give it time. Somewhere in your marriage, something will crop up to challenge your sexual intimacy.

We need to stop guaranteeing something God didn’t guarantee: an easy life. Sure, Christ promised His disciples such beautiful things as salvation, peace, joy, wisdom, the Holy Spirit, and eternal life. But He also said that the world will hate His disciples, we will be persecuted, and we have to carry our cross.

Conclusions

• God’s design is for sex to happen in the covenant relationship of marriage.
• Waiting until marriage comes with certain benefits to oneself and for the marriage.
• Both those who waited and those who didn’t will have problems to resolve.
• I beg your pardon, God didn’t promise you a rose garden* here on earth. We get glimpses of Eden, but not Eden itself, yet.
• Good sexual intimacy is God’s desire for every married couple, whatever their background. (It’s worth the effort.)

Modest is hottest.

That slogan was on t-shirts during the height of Purity Culture. You would have had to pay young adult me a whole lot of money to wear one. (I was a little busy back then pushing the boundaries of my Christian university’s overly strict dress code. ~grin~)

But that isn’t just a slogan. Rather, there’s an entire subgenre of books and resources all about how a women should dress modestly so that men won’t be tempted to lust. Yes, sometimes it went the other way—with men encouraged to be modest—but not often. Rather, the primary modesty message fell on girls, while the don’t-lust message fell on boys.

What’s true about this is that we should consider how our appearance does or does not reflect Christian values. For instance, the one passage where modest attire is addressed is this one:

Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.

1 Timothy 2:9-10

But notice that’s not about how much skin is showing, but rather not displaying one’s wealth. Moreover, let’s discuss the Greek word translated as modesty here. It’s aidos, and it means “a sense of shame or honour, modesty, bashfulness, reverence, regard for others, respect.” It doesn’t mean “cover yourself up, girlfriend!”

Sure, you can make a case that honor, regard for others, and respect means dressing in a way that doesn’t tempt or distract, but really this is about dressing in a way that doesn’t offend or detract. In fact, I think this translation captures the meaning a bit better:

And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do.

1 Timothy 2:9-10 (NLT)

Now if you turn to the passages about lust, not one of them blames the target of lust. Not. One. (I searched.) Indeed, when Job makes his covenant, he holds himself responsible for his choice.

I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.

Job 31:1

In Proverbs, the father tells his son:

Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes.

Proverbs 6:25

And Jesus warns:

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Matthew 5:28

And while I’m at it, none of those passages tell you to “bounce your eyes.” I fully respect the intention here, but constantly avoiding women doesn’t deal with the underlying issue and conveys to women that they are the issue.

I honestly used to believe “bounce your eyes” was a good idea, but when I started to look at the Word of God for what it said, the closest you can come are the next two verses: “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:29-30).

It would seem that looking away is better, or at least less painful, than gouging out your eye. But unless you’re at the level of addiction or compulsion—where avoidance is your only way of gaining control—then the approach should be not to look away but to look deeper. That’s what Jesus did (see On “Pigs,” Good Men, and the Difference).

Christ encountered women likely dressed in ways conveyed immodesty (see Luke 7:36-50, John 4:1-26, and John 8:2-11), yet treated them with kindness and respect.

Conclusions

• Modesty is about acting in ways that do not offend or detract from the good works we do as Christians.
• Dressing appropriately—whatever that looks like in your culture—can be part of modesty, but a mature Christian chooses that out of reverence for Christ, not demands by others or the fear of being ogled.
• (By the way, there are passages that make the case for not being naked or close to naked in public—both men and women—but the modesty verses aren’t it.)
• Scripture never blames the target of lust for the sin of lust. It’s the person lusting who’s responsible.
• Most people who struggle with lust don’t need to look away but to look deeper—that is, to see others as a whole person and a child of God rather than the culmination of attractive body parts.

And a quick word about object lessons.

Long before I had a sex blog, I worked in children’s ministry. I’ve done a lot of object lessons! Let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like explaining the resurrection of Christ with a matchstick that you blow out and then watch spark back to life. The kids literally oohed and aahed.

So I understand the power of a great object lesson. But I’m perplexed by some I’ve heard being used to explain the importance of sexual integrity to youth. For example:

• Taking the petals off a flower one by one to show how each sexual experience removes something from you that can never be put back.
• Sticking two pieces of duct tape together and claiming that’s how it is with your first sexual partner, no matter what—you cannot be pulled apart without ripping.
• Asking people to take a bite of or spit on food and then offering it to a volunteer who refuses, to show that no one wants something or someone used by others.

Good heavens! First off, that’s all focused on our behavior more than the heart and faith from which actions flow. Second, every one of those situations is well within God’s power to fix. Seriously, if God can bring dead plants back to life (Ezekiel 17:24), if He can pull the sea apart into two pieces (Exodus 14:21-22), and He can create fresh food for thousands from scraps (Matthew 14:19-21), don’t you think He can handle torn flowers, duct tape stickiness, and spoiled food? And yes, our mess-ups in the sexual arena too.

For too long, I didn’t believe He would. Maybe I thought God could, but I didn’t think He would. Now I think: Balderdash! I think too much of myself and too little of God if I cannot accept His forgiveness for the past, believe in His ability to heal, and embrace the blessings He wants to bestow on my marriage.

I really hope these damaged-goods lessons are not still happening. It’s fine to let singles know that sexual integrity matters, but God matters far more. If I’d understood God’s true love for me, maybe I would have waited. It certainly would have been easier.

What is sexual purity?

Sexual purity is about following God’s design for sex, which is holy and healthy sexuality within the covenant of marriage. Yes, that includes waiting until marriage, and we should teach and practice that, because it’s always better not to have sinned than to have sinned!

But you’re not irrevocably damaged or impure if you messed up. Christ purifies us!

[Jesus] gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

Titus 2:14

And you’re not guaranteed ease and first-in-line through the pearly gates if you kept your V-card until your wedding night. We live in a fallen world that comes with trouble.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

The question teens and singles tend to ask is “How far is too far”? I long ago concluded that was the wrong question. The right question is “How can I honor God with my body and my life?”

The question teens and singles tend to ask is "How far is too far"? I long ago concluded that was the wrong question. The right question is "How can I honor God with my body and my life?" #Christiansex #purityculture
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Within marriage, it’s honoring to God to pursue mutually satisfying physical intimacy with your spouse. Whatever you were taught, whatever your history, that should be your present and it can be your future.

The post Where Purity Culture Got It Wrong, Let’s Get It Right appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I read a very interesting article last week from The Art of Manliness. Being thoroughly female, I still enjoy many of the posts from this male-directed blog. Last Monday, the article How Delaying Intimacy Can Benefit Your Relationship looked at studies on why it’s not such a good idea to jump into bed willy-nilly and why one should wait until the relationship deepens.

Now this wasn’t a Christian-based article, and I strongly advocate waiting until the real commitment of marriage vows. However, the studies cited support the church’s position that couples should wait. Here are two interesting findings.

Old Habits Die Hard

Repeated behaviors “train our minds to think and act in certain ways” — even to the point of rewriting our brain circuitry. The way you act over and over becomes a pattern that is very difficult to change. So the notion that you’ll settle down later, when you get married, and keep to one lover, and focus on deeper intimacy, etc., that’s not so easy to do. As researcher Dr. Busby says, “Every relationship we have, however brief and insignificant, influences every other relationship we have, and the patterns that we repeat across relationships become very difficult to change.”

If you pursue casual sex before marriage, it’s hard to make that shift to deeper intimacy in marriage. That’s not the message we usually get from sources around us. The romantic version often espoused in our culture is that something just shifts inside you when you meet “the right one.” But old habits die hard. It may not be personal — you may love and adore your mate — but you can have a hard time shutting off the way you’ve trained your mind to think about sex and introducing a different perspective.

The best option is to start right here, right now, establishing the habits you want to carry into the rest of your life and your marriage.

Oxytocin: It’s Not Just for Sex Anymore

I, and many others who write about sex, have mentioned the importance of Oxytocin in lovemaking. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone that reduces stress and fosters trust. It’s best known as a substance mothers release when they nurse their babies.

However, it is also released in men when they climax. For this reason, many believe that Oxytocin is key to the argument that sex is a bonding activity. But that’s not the whole story.

Oxytocin comes around during sex, but it also appears in non-sexual but affectionate activities, like hugging, touching, smiling, listening. Moreover, right after sexual climax, Oxytocin apparently takes a nosedive. So if the sex-made Oxytocin is all you’re working from, those bonding feelings will go pffft as soon as you’re done. Essentially, you need ongoing non-sexual Oxytocin-producing behaviors to really feel connected to your lover and then experience sex as an outgrowth of that bond. That’s what should happen in a marriage — ongoing interaction and bonding that makes the sex all the more meaningful.

From Martin Robertson, researcher: “Frequent, comforting feelings are important in maintaining strong bonds . . . . The more dependable the flow of Oxytocin via daily bonding behaviors, the easier it is to sustain a relationship. In contrast, a passionate one-night stand allows lovers’ innate defensiveness to snap back into place pretty much as soon as Oxytocin drops after climax.”

While else should you wait? I wrote posts for Preengaged some time ago explaining other reasons why couples should wait until marriage: Sex Before Marriage Part 1 and Sex Before Marriage Part 2.

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