There’s a war on religion!

Relax. There’s always been a war on religion. Not fake religion—that’s sometimes quite popular. But real religion that focuses on a relationship with God, on tough choices and moral integrity, on trusting God in the midst of difficulty, on humility and emulating Christ? Well, that’s been opposed over the breadth of cultures and the course of history. So let’s not presume, or panic, that we’re in some unprecedented time in which things are worse than they’ve ever been before.

Including in the arena of sexuality. Purity Culture has not destroyed Christianity any more than the Corinthians’ pagan practices did. Gnosticism, as bad a message as it sent about the spiritual versus the physical, has not won. And harmful myths about sex are prevalent in the church but not utterly controlling.

I could point to couples from various Christian sects—Catholic, Orthodox, Mainstream, Evangelical, etc.—who have healthy sex lives in their marriage. Sometimes in spite of their church’s teachings, sometimes apart from it, and sometimes because of it.

But saying it’s not the apocalypse doesn’t meant that we shouldn’t concern ourselves with wrong messages about sexuality spread by those in the Church.

Where has Christianity gone wrong?

When it comes to sex, we’ve had two major problems in the Church: bad theology and hypocritical practice.

When it comes to sex, we've had two major problems in the Church: bad theology and hypocritical practice.
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Examples of bad theology include:

• Sex is sinful or selfish in any context
• Sex is mostly for husbands
• Sex is solely for reproduction
• Sex is optional in marriage
• Sex outside marriage leaves an unforgiveable stain
• Sex can and should be demanded from one’s spouse
• Sex in marriage doesn’t require consent
• Sex acts of any kind are permitted in the marriage bed

Examples of hypocritical practice include:

• Engaging in affairs
• Sexual abuse and harassment
• Use of pornography and erotica
• Withholding of sex without cause
• Habitual solo masturbation
• Extreme sex acts

The world often sees the Church as having the paradox of prudish teachings combined with sexual misbehavior. As an example, consider those pastors and priests who have engaged in perverse sexual sin at the same time they engage in rhetoric about the utmost importance of sexual purity. It’s heartbreaking to think about the witness we’ve lost through the bad teaching and actions of some in the Body of Christ.

Just in my own circle, I have two close friends who were sexually abused as minors by church leaders. One stayed in the church, one left. My heart aches for both, but especially the latter. The cost was not only to her childhood heart but her adult faith.

We as a Church, as the representative for Christ on earth, have to do better. Every call to better theology and practice is worthwhile, not because it knocks out sin for good, but because it saves that one person who is too precious to let go. (See Luke 15:3-7 and Matthew 25:34-40.)

What has Christianity gotten right?

Contrary to popular belief, some theologians throughout time have gotten it right. There really is a remnant in nearly any time period that “gets it” regarding sexuality.

Moreover, the answers proposed by secular culture are more than lacking in their approach.

Stating the truth

Just looking at the last century or so, I’ve been reading through some books from my late father’s library and delightfully discovered such examples as these two:

1. In Orthodoxy (1908), G.K. Chesterton, writer, philosopher, and lay theologian, likened sex in marriage to making love to the moon. Mind you, this was more than 60 years before anyone visited the moon, so the idea of being that close to a heavenly body was…well, heavenly!

I could never mix in the common murmur of that rising generation against monogamy, because no restriction on sex seemed so odd and unexpected as sex itself. To be allowed, like Endymion, to make love to the moon and then to complain that Jupiter kept his own moons in a harem seemed to me (bred on fairy tales like Endymion’s) a vulgar anti-climax. Keeping to one woman is a small price for so much as seeing one woman.

Chesterton goes on to point out that having many sexual partners cheapens the experience, but you can read that yourself here if you want.

2. William Barclay, a well-known minister, professor of divinity at Glasgow University, Christian author, and radio personality wrote A Spiritual Autobiography (1977) in which he says:

I believe in love and I believe in marriage. I have never been able to see or to agree that celibacy and virginity are superior to marriage. In one sense and from one point of view they are far easier than marriage, because they have dispensed with the problem of living together. I know well that those who undertake celibacy or virginity may live in community, but life in community does not present the problem of living together in the crises and the trifles of day-to-day-living. Celibacy and virginity do present one problem—the problem of dealing with the sex instinct; but that is a self-manufactured problem which should never have arisen. Sex is part of life and the deliberate annihilation of it is not a virtue; it is a criticism of life as God made it and meant it to be.

Within the boundaries of marriage and with the right priority, Christianity and sexual enjoyment are entirely compatible.

Within the boundaries of marriage and with the right priority, Christianity and sexual enjoyment are entirely compatible.
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Avoiding the lies

Speaking of boundaries, the Church has also avoided some important lies about sex. For example, the Church has never condoned adultery, prostitution, or inappropriate lust. Its members don’t always practice this well, but we have at least recognized such things as sexual sin.

Meanwhile, in a day and age that constantly declares, “Listen to the science,” I’m amazed how few secular sex therapists accept such truths as the perils of pornography. Christians have gotten it right by listening to the Creator of sex Himself, but it’s no surprise that research supports the conclusion that pornography hurts relationships long-term.

Christianity needs to do a better job of noting other sins that impact marital intimacy, such as abuse, long-term sexual refusal, and selfish demands. But while correcting the problems, let’s continue to protect marriages by addressing such issues as adultery, porn, and inappropriate lust.

But has Christianity hurt your sex life?

A teaching or experience linked to your Church, a fellow Christian (or “Christian’), a religious resource, etc. likely damaged your marital sex life in some way. Maybe it came through you, maybe it came through your spouse, or maybe you even sat in a counseling office and got bad advice. I’m sorry.

Christianity should, once again, do better. We have a responsibility to teach and live out God’s truth!

However, the problem isn’t with God’s design itself. Rather, the word Christianity is made up of three parts: Christ + ian + ity. Christ means the Messiah, specifically Jesus; the suffix -ian means relating or belonging to; and -ity means a condition or state of being. Christianity is not simply Christ—who is perfect—but imperfect people trying to follow Christ in their imperfect states of being.

In short, God makes things right, but His people get things wrong. Sometimes out of malice, but more often out of ignorance or their own personal struggles. (Looking at you, St. Augustine.)

Practicing grace

For instance, I believe the older ladies in my church, whose sex advice to High School Me amounted to “keep your legs closed,” wanted the best for me. They wanted me to avoid the heartache and real-life consequences that can come with sexual recklessness outside marriage, so they said what they thought would keep me virginal until then. They wanted me to have a good marriage later, so they told me that sex was something I should provide to my husband. They wanted me to have intimacy in that relationship, so they suggested that sex and affection were trades between husband and wife.

Of course, that’s terrible advice! But you know what’s terrible too? That they didn’t know better. I now have deep sympathy for these imperfect Christian wives whose condition of being had not included hot and holy sex in their marriage in a way that they could speak well about that gift of God to others!

If a Church or fellow Christian messed things up for you with their words or actions, maybe it’s time to give a little grace. I’m not talking about something going on right now that should be addressed—and certainly past or present abuse should not be overlooked—but you might need to let go of anger or resentment you’ve held on to for longer than you should.

Embracing God’s design

When you let go of bad theology or practices, you need to replace it with something else—good theology and practices. I have lots of posts that touch on the Bible and sex and will continue to talk about it! But a summary version of God’s design for sex might be:

• Sex was created for procreation, recreation, and unification.
• Sex was thus intended for marriage.
• Sex should be mutually desired and satisfying.
• Sexual challenges are to be expected, given that we live in a broken world, but can be resolved with attention, effort, and unity.
• Sexual sin damages individuals and intimacy and should be avoided, repented from, and replaced with godly practices.
• Sexual oneness between husband and wife reflects God’s longing for intimacy with His people.

Where Christianity has failed, Christ won’t.

Given my difficult past and our prior marital struggles, I should not have the incredibly intimate sex life I have with my husband. But I do. I’m a firm believer that my marriage and sexual intimacy thrive because of Christ and His redeeming power.

Now I’m not saying someone can’t have pleasurable sex outside of God’s design, but that will never be all that sex could be. It is and can be more. God designed sex to be a blessing—a challenge at times too, because that can force us to grow, but a blessing as well.

God designed sex to be a blessing—a challenge at times too, because that can force us to grow, but a blessing as well.
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Has Christianity hurt your sex life? Maybe. Probably. But it’s also the very thing that can bring you to a new and better place. Because whatever the –ian and -ity have messed up, the CHRIST part of Christianity remains the core. However Christianity has hurt your sex life, Christ can heal it.

The post Has Christianity Hurt Your Sex Life? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Yet my time is limited, my own marriage and family require attention, and God doesn’t expect any one person to do it all. I’m just one finger, or maybe just a toe, in the Body of Christ. I take heart that even Jesus sometimes turned away from the demands of people to keep His focus on the primary mission: “Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (Luke 5:15-16).

Since I don’t have the time and resources to answer each of those emails, I want to share six responses that come to mind when reading various stories of marriage bed difficulties. These are for the people who write me to essentially say, “Our marriage bed is a mess.”

I’ll cover three today, and three next week. Perhaps one of these touches on your particular situation.

And, by the way, I’m going to be really candid. No mincing words.

1. You’re married to a selfish jerk.

Sadly, some of you are living with a selfish spouse who dismisses your beliefs, belittles your feelings, and/or thinks your body belongs solely to them to be used as a sexual tool. Perhaps they also pursue sexually sinful practices and expect you to get involved or to look the other way.

If that’s your situation, you have to stand up for you! Set some boundaries. If you don’t know how to do this, go read Boundaries or Boundaries in Marriage by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Then follow through.

If your spouse’s attitude and behavior reaches the level of abuse — verbal, emotional, even physical — you have to stop allowing and enabling that. Even walk away, for your safety and wellbeing. And please no one tell me that suffering through abuse is somehow analogous to Christ suffering on the cross. Jesus allowed Himself to be mistreated then for a specific and higher purpose. But two other times, He escaped people wanting to physically harm Him:

“At this, they picked up stones to stone him, but Jesus hid himself, slipping away from the temple grounds” (John 8:59).

“Again they tried to seize him, but he escaped their grasp” (John 10:39).

A selfish jerk likely won’t change unless you throw a wrench in the gears, meaning you stop playing your part of the system. Instead, calmly oppose mistreatment wherever occurs, to others and to yourself. That’s biblical.

“Learn to do right; seek justice.
    Defend the oppressed” (Isaiah 1:17a).

2. You are the selfish jerk.

Sometimes the spouse who writes me is the selfish one. They complain about how they’re not getting everything they want in the marriage bed and explain how they’ve whined and argued with their “beloved” about how they’ve been mistreated without any progress. Wow, I’m sure that makes you a lot of fun to be around. ?

If you’ve given your spouse the clear impression your only interest in them is getting exactly what you want sexually, why are you surprised they don’t want to sleep with you? If you’re always complaining, often angry, or only touching them to get sex, you’re not an appealing lover. Kevin A. Thompson wrote a great post about this: I Wouldn’t Sleep with You Either.

Your answer is to remember what you did while you were dating, falling in love, first married. Are you doing those things now? What kind of person are you to be around? Do you need to focus on giving your spouse the gift of happiness? Are you making sex all about you? What about your spouse’s needs and desires? Ask yourself some tough questions, and then pray for God’s help and guidance on what you can do to be less selfish and move loving. (I’ll give you a hint: It looks more like Christ.)

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus….” (Philippians 2:3-5).

3. You have a poor theology of sex.

Theology is “the study of the nature of God and religious belief.” More specifically, it can refer to “religious beliefs and theory when systematically developed” (Oxford Dictionaries). One core part of my ministry is correcting erroneous beliefs about sexual intimacy; that is, throwing out our wrong thinking about sex and replacing it with God’s design for sex in marriage.

Unfortunately, too many Christians still have beliefs about sex that aren’t in line with how God our Creator made sex. And those ideas of what sex really means, how it should practiced in our lives, and what to do when we face challenges impact our marriage beds. What plenty of spouses need is an adjustment in their theology.

So when people write me and say that they heard something was wrong or something was right when it’s really the opposite, I wonder if we shouldn’t simply open our Bibles more and see what our Lord Himself had to say about it all. Of course, some people don’t know where to look, and that’s something I’ve tried to address often. It’s also a problem that our churches and pastors don’t talk enough about sex and marriage. Sometimes what we spread is just off-the-mark, like my recent post for Crosswalk.com on 10 Myths about Sex You Heard in Church.

If this is where you are — not really knowing what part sexual intimacy should play in your marriage — then continue reading my blog and check out other responsible Christian marriage blogs like To Love Honor and Vacuum, OysterBed7, Heaven Made Marriage, The Forgiven Wife, Calm.Healthy.Sexy, Awaken Love, and the like. A part of me would also like to tell you which sources to avoid, but instead I encourage you to study your Bible more so that you will be “be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).

Also, read books that cover this subject well, like my Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, Sheila Gregoire’s The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and Julie Sibert and Jeffrey Murphy’s The Pursuit of Passion. And listen to my podcast with three other marriage and sex bloggers, Sex Chat for Christian Wives. Get others around you reading and listening these resources so that you have allies. Ask your pastor and/or elders to introduce more resources for married couples. In short, seek truth. I know there are a lot of voices competing for your attention, but truth is out there for those willing to pursue it.

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it….” God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day” (Genesis 1:27-28, 31).

I have three more overall answers to many questions I’ve received, which I’ll cover next week.

If you’re one of the readers I haven’t specifically answered, please know that I appreciate you writing me, my heart does go out to you, I wish I could clone myself and do much more, and I’m praying for you and your marriage.

The post Q&A with J: “Our Marriage Bed is a Mess” Part 1 appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

With that in mind, here’s a heart-wrencher question today. This young wife and her husband waited for all the physical stuff until their wedding day, including the kiss. I’ve known others who waited for nearly everything until the honeymoon, and most are like children ripping open the Christmas present with eagerness and excitement; they can’t wait to be intimate! Not so this couple.

My question basically is, how do I encourage my husband to be more comfortable with me when he is (well is seems to me) grossed out by stuff… I try to use my tongue while kissing, and [he] absolutely won’t use his. I have stopped because it makes me feel rejected when he does that, but I really would like to be more intimate that way. I tried reading a book with him called A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds but he didn’t seem interested or at least was to shy to be reading words like sex and orgasm :)…

I don’t know how to help educate my husband so that he is confident in touching me. He doesn’t explore my intimate parts unless I intentionally sit down with him and then he seems to [lose] interest in 3 minutes even though I am doing my best to encourage him. And if I try to move his hand there while in bed he resists me (again rejection feeling). So I want to be respectful of his discomforts so I just suggest every once in a while and leave it at that. But he is fine with me touching him for the most part except that he is extremely ticklish.

So I am feeling frustrated because I want more, but don’t know how to communicate with my shy quite husband. And will I have to keep asking? I also feel frustrated because of the stereotype of the way men should be in my mind and he is not that, i e he does not pursue me aggressively in a sexual manner which is what I want/expect. I feel like I am doing all the work. It seems like he was such a good Christian boy who never ever let his mind wander or fantasize. I ask him if there are things he would like to do or try and the answer is always “i don’t know.” How do I get my husband to want me more and in new ways? I guess the real answer is prayer. I should pray more for him. But again how do I get him interested in learning about sex? 

Mourn with those who mourn. First, I want to hug this wife. Sex is supposed to part of the package deal of marriage, and she’s got a lifetime ahead of her with the man she loves, but it’s just not happening…at all. I want to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15), because this is real grief. Yet God knows. And, while I cannot reach her, He can wrap His strong arms around her and her marriage and help her through.

Sexual baggage? Second, my red flags are up and flying at full mast. If this husband were in my counseling office (no, I don’t have one, but let’s pretend), I’d ask a lot of questions about his sexual history. An extreme lack of interest and discomfort with sexual intimacy could relate to events from his past—such as childhood sexual abuse; harsh punishment for sexual curiosity; teaching that sex is “dirty” or sinful; deep and unyielding shame about prior inappropriate activity (e.g., watching porn).

I suggest sitting your husband down outside the bedroom and starting a conversation about your previous experiences with sexuality. When did you learn about sex and from whom? Did you have any awkward experiences as a child? What did you think sex would be like in marriage? If he will not engage—because it’s about S-E-X—state clearly, “I need for us to talk about this, because I want to be intimate with you in every way, including sex. If you cannot talk to me, you have to talk to someone.” Then outline some possibilities for him, like your pastor, a Christian counselor, a mentor friend, a support group.

And yes, I think there could be a point when he’s had ample opportunity to follow through but hasn’t, and you must enlist help from others. That could mean going to your pastor, explaining the situation, and asking him to gently and privately approach your husband. It could mean telling a close friend of his who’s marriage-positive, a wonderful confidant for your husband, and who’ll take a biblical approach. I would not take this step lightly, but it’s also not okay to live like this for years on end.

Just too much? That said, this “good Christian boy who never ever let his mind wander or fantasize” may simply feel in over his head. If he expended a great deal of effort avoiding sex to remain pure, it could be difficult to flip that switch. In which case, I’d put away the Christian sex book (yes, even mine *sigh*) and reach for the ultimate Christian sex book, the Bible. You need to start with helping him understand God Himself is entirely in favor of him exploring, enjoying, and satisfying his wife in the marriage bed.

Three times in the Song of Songs, the Bible says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). Many Christians and churches focus on the first half of that verse, making sure not to arouse or awaken sexual feelings and activity before marriage. But the verse doesn’t stop there; it goes on to say “until it so desires,” meaning there will be a time when love should be aroused and awakened because it’s ready. Marriage is that time.

You can share the Song of Songs, or stories from the Bible about sexuality (4 Great Bible Stories about Sex, 3 More Great Bible Stories about Sex). Take him to one of my favorite scriptures on sexuality—Proverbs 5:18-19: “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

Pray for him, and pray with him if he’ll agree. It may help to find some of these specific scriptures and adapt them to pray for your husband’s interest and engagement. For instance, using the above scripture: “Bless my husband’s fountain, Lord, and help him to rejoice in me. Give him Your view of me as loving and graceful. Help him to seek satisfaction in my breasts and my body and to become intoxicated with my love.”

Slowly, slowly. On a practical level, go slow. Like insanely slow. Will this nearly kill you? Not being a patient woman myself, I’m freaking out a little just writing about it. But ask for divine help to persevere and slowly pull your husband out of his extreme timidity.

Set aside chunks of time to use as experimentation. Even if your husband isn’t tuned into his body, your body, and sexuality, he can get there. He may need time, permission, and trial-and-error to figure out what gets him going in the sex department. Explain you want to spend time figuring out how to make sex work between you two.

Also, I’m not a big fan of blindfolds, but I can see a use for it here or simply asking hubby to keep his eyes closed. He may need to tune out the visual of oh-my-goodness-what’s-happening and focus on sensations of touch. Ask clearly and often about what he likes or doesn’t like. If he isn’t comfortable answering with words, he can provide a hand signal or soft noise—whatever works for you. You may need for a time to hold off on intercourse while you help him explore sexuality itself. Remember the goal is ultimately physical intimacy, not a grand finish (although, believe me, I’m in favor of the grand finish).

You have a lifetime together, so breathe easy knowing you don’t have to get this all nailed down by Thursday. Does it suck? I’m a candid woman, so I’m going to agree that it sucks to be rejected by your husband and have him get grossed out by something as simple as a French kiss. Will it always suck? I’m also a Christian woman, so I’m confident saying that answer is no. God has worked wonders in so many marriages when it comes to sexual intimacy, and I think He can spin a beautiful miracle in yours.

What advice do you have for this wife? Do you have a similar situation in your marriage?

The post Q&A: My Shy Husband Is “Grossed Out” by Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

To listen to Jolene’s interview with me, just click on the play button below. And then be sure to click the link to check out the conference. Sign up now and get the early bird discount!

CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW TO LEARN MORE & SIGN UP!

Your conference ticket includes:

• 14 conference sessions with quality speakers, bloggers, and authors
• Conference notebook, with session notes and more
• Access to our private Facebook group community to discuss each session’s topic, ask questions, glean from one another, connect with other like-minded wives AND interact with the speakers
• PLUS, additional resources including Sex in Marriage, a collection of five entirely new devotionals from me (in the same format as Intimacy Revealed, but fresh material)

Early bird discount until May 5. Be wise and sign up today!

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Get wisdom, get understanding;
  do not forget my words or turn away from them.
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
  love her, and she will watch over you.

What I hope to do here on my blog is share wisdom about marriage and sex. When you soak in God’s truths about covenant love and sexual intimacy, your marriage will be blessed.

Which is why I’m thrilled to be a part of the upcoming Wisdom For Wives Conference, hosted by Jolene Engle and Christian Wife University. You might remember Jolene from her recent, and fabulous, guest post here on Hot, Holy & Humorous about working through physical pain in the marriage bed. Jolene has a beautiful heart for marriages, and her invitation to me to speak at the Wisdom for Wives Conference demonstrates her commitment to helping wives experience God’s gift of intimacy.

But I’m definitely not the only one. I’m among a wonderful line-up of women speaking to women about important aspects of marriage. Just look at this sampling of conference speakers and topics:

• Growing into a Godly Wife in Spite of Having Ungodly Role Models with Carlie Kercheval
• To the Wife Who Is Ready to Run with Michelle Lindsey
• When Porn Shows Up in Your House with Bonny Logsdon Burns
• Nurturing Your Marriage in the Middle of the Storm with Roseann Cunningham
• Choosing Him All Over Again: Tips to Strengthen Your Marriage & Help for Troubled Marriages with Juana Mikels
• How to Rein in Your Emotions So You Don’t Tear Down Your Home with Jolene Engle

And my session will be:

• 5 Steps to Improve Sexual Intimacy in Your Marriage

The conference takes place online May 12-15, 2015. But you can sign up today for an early bird discount!

A lot of behind-the-scenes and in-front-of-the-camera effort is going into delivering a content-rich conference that will benefit your marriage, and that you can attend from home. I encourage you to check it out today and see all the conference sessions, resources, and special downloads attendees will receive.

May God bless this special event! And I pray that you can “come.”

Every marriage goes through seasons. Some seasons are exhilarating and effortless, while other seasons can be faced with serious heartache, disappointment, and downright despair. No matter what season you’re living in, the Wisdom for Wives Conference is designed to encourage, equip, affirm, and inspire you in your role as a wife so you can have the type of marriage that God intended.

CLICK HERE TO ATTEND!

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