When fellow Christians balk about why I write about sex in marriage, I often want to say, “You should see my email.” If they could read the scenarios and testimonies I receive, perhaps they’d understand how important ministries addressing marriage and sexual intimacy can be.
With that in mind, here’s a heart-wrencher question today. This young wife and her husband waited for all the physical stuff until their wedding day, including the kiss. I’ve known others who waited for nearly everything until the honeymoon, and most are like children ripping open the Christmas present with eagerness and excitement; they can’t wait to be intimate! Not so this couple.
My question basically is, how do I encourage my husband to be more comfortable with me when he is (well is seems to me) grossed out by stuff… I try to use my tongue while kissing, and [he] absolutely won’t use his. I have stopped because it makes me feel rejected when he does that, but I really would like to be more intimate that way. I tried reading a book with him called A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds but he didn’t seem interested or at least was to shy to be reading words like sex and orgasm :)…
I don’t know how to help educate my husband so that he is confident in touching me. He doesn’t explore my intimate parts unless I intentionally sit down with him and then he seems to [lose] interest in 3 minutes even though I am doing my best to encourage him. And if I try to move his hand there while in bed he resists me (again rejection feeling). So I want to be respectful of his discomforts so I just suggest every once in a while and leave it at that. But he is fine with me touching him for the most part except that he is extremely ticklish.
So I am feeling frustrated because I want more, but don’t know how to communicate with my shy quite husband. And will I have to keep asking? I also feel frustrated because of the stereotype of the way men should be in my mind and he is not that, i e he does not pursue me aggressively in a sexual manner which is what I want/expect. I feel like I am doing all the work. It seems like he was such a good Christian boy who never ever let his mind wander or fantasize. I ask him if there are things he would like to do or try and the answer is always “i don’t know.” How do I get my husband to want me more and in new ways? I guess the real answer is prayer. I should pray more for him. But again how do I get him interested in learning about sex?
Mourn with those who mourn. First, I want to hug this wife. Sex is supposed to part of the package deal of marriage, and she’s got a lifetime ahead of her with the man she loves, but it’s just not happening…at all. I want to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15), because this is real grief. Yet God knows. And, while I cannot reach her, He can wrap His strong arms around her and her marriage and help her through.
Sexual baggage? Second, my red flags are up and flying at full mast. If this husband were in my counseling office (no, I don’t have one, but let’s pretend), I’d ask a lot of questions about his sexual history. An extreme lack of interest and discomfort with sexual intimacy could relate to events from his past—such as childhood sexual abuse; harsh punishment for sexual curiosity; teaching that sex is “dirty” or sinful; deep and unyielding shame about prior inappropriate activity (e.g., watching porn).
I suggest sitting your husband down outside the bedroom and starting a conversation about your previous experiences with sexuality. When did you learn about sex and from whom? Did you have any awkward experiences as a child? What did you think sex would be like in marriage? If he will not engage—because it’s about S-E-X—state clearly, “I need for us to talk about this, because I want to be intimate with you in every way, including sex. If you cannot talk to me, you have to talk to someone.” Then outline some possibilities for him, like your pastor, a Christian counselor, a mentor friend, a support group.
And yes, I think there could be a point when he’s had ample opportunity to follow through but hasn’t, and you must enlist help from others. That could mean going to your pastor, explaining the situation, and asking him to gently and privately approach your husband. It could mean telling a close friend of his who’s marriage-positive, a wonderful confidant for your husband, and who’ll take a biblical approach. I would not take this step lightly, but it’s also not okay to live like this for years on end.
Just too much? That said, this “good Christian boy who never ever let his mind wander or fantasize” may simply feel in over his head. If he expended a great deal of effort avoiding sex to remain pure, it could be difficult to flip that switch. In which case, I’d put away the Christian sex book (yes, even mine *sigh*) and reach for the ultimate Christian sex book, the Bible. You need to start with helping him understand God Himself is entirely in favor of him exploring, enjoying, and satisfying his wife in the marriage bed.
Three times in the Song of Songs, the Bible says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). Many Christians and churches focus on the first half of that verse, making sure not to arouse or awaken sexual feelings and activity before marriage. But the verse doesn’t stop there; it goes on to say “until it so desires,” meaning there will be a time when love should be aroused and awakened because it’s ready. Marriage is that time.
You can share the Song of Songs, or stories from the Bible about sexuality (4 Great Bible Stories about Sex, 3 More Great Bible Stories about Sex). Take him to one of my favorite scriptures on sexuality—Proverbs 5:18-19: “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”
Pray for him, and pray with him if he’ll agree. It may help to find some of these specific scriptures and adapt them to pray for your husband’s interest and engagement. For instance, using the above scripture: “Bless my husband’s fountain, Lord, and help him to rejoice in me. Give him Your view of me as loving and graceful. Help him to seek satisfaction in my breasts and my body and to become intoxicated with my love.”
Slowly, slowly. On a practical level, go slow. Like insanely slow. Will this nearly kill you? Not being a patient woman myself, I’m freaking out a little just writing about it. But ask for divine help to persevere and slowly pull your husband out of his extreme timidity.
Set aside chunks of time to use as experimentation. Even if your husband isn’t tuned into his body, your body, and sexuality, he can get there. He may need time, permission, and trial-and-error to figure out what gets him going in the sex department. Explain you want to spend time figuring out how to make sex work between you two.
Also, I’m not a big fan of blindfolds, but I can see a use for it here or simply asking hubby to keep his eyes closed. He may need to tune out the visual of oh-my-goodness-what’s-happening and focus on sensations of touch. Ask clearly and often about what he likes or doesn’t like. If he isn’t comfortable answering with words, he can provide a hand signal or soft noise—whatever works for you. You may need for a time to hold off on intercourse while you help him explore sexuality itself. Remember the goal is ultimately physical intimacy, not a grand finish (although, believe me, I’m in favor of the grand finish).
You have a lifetime together, so breathe easy knowing you don’t have to get this all nailed down by Thursday. Does it suck? I’m a candid woman, so I’m going to agree that it sucks to be rejected by your husband and have him get grossed out by something as simple as a French kiss. Will it always suck? I’m also a Christian woman, so I’m confident saying that answer is no. God has worked wonders in so many marriages when it comes to sexual intimacy, and I think He can spin a beautiful miracle in yours.
What advice do you have for this wife? Do you have a similar situation in your marriage?
33 thoughts on “Q&A: My Shy Husband Is “Grossed Out” by Sex”
I can some what relate. I’m the adventures high drive spouse in our relationship. I find of I wanna try something that he is not interested in I bring up gentle and make sure he knows it’s important to me. Patient is key. Also maybe building his confidence would help. Maybe he feels Fustrated that the things he is already doing is not good enough. Positive feed back on the little things in bed; like telling him I really liked when you did this or that may help. I know how you feel about feeling rejected just pray try not to get hurtful and resentful. Continue being vulnerable. Explain to him that your being hurt by his actions. I
It saddens me when I hear of Christians, especially Christian women, who’ve dutifully waited until marriage to embrace sexuality with their mates only to be disappointed. Based upon the advertising, they were expecting fireworks and got a fizzle instead. Marital sex, or any sex for that matter, is a little like learning to ride a bicycle: Don’t expect it to be hands-free the first couple of times. Having said that, I suspect your particular situation is somewhat different. It’s not natural for a man to behave in this manner. Something has spooked your man, and badly! You’ll need patience and persistence to find out what it is and deal with it, but I have every confidence that once it’s dealt with, HE WILL CLEAVE UNTO YOU, and he will be thankful to God that he has you to his completer and his confidante. If you can give this time, I believe it will work out far beyond your best expectations.
Sometimes, I think being ticklish is actually fear of the excitement being felt.
Yikes! Dude, that suuucks. First thoughts are sexual abuse and porn. Possibly asexuality? I’m leaning heavily towards asexuality. Being grossed out by passionate kissing reallllly sounds kind of asexual. That’s a tough road for marriage if it’s that. Oh boy. Hoping for her that it’s just nerves and trepidation from staying pure for so long. Sending prayers and good vibes their way!
Most would agree the husband has baggage left over from something negative in the past, but one thing that caught my attention is the letter writer expresses her expectations of her husband to be agressive and not just normal drive but high drive. Did I misread that?
It feels as though her expectations may be off. I hope she isn’t making him feel like he’s “bad” or “wrong” because he has this obstacle to overcome.
Interesting point. I’m not sure that’s the issue here. I print the relevant portion of the question on the blog, but there was more to the original email. Thanks for your perspective!
My impression wasn’t necessarily high drive but being willing to actively pursue her. Being the initiator of sex, at least more frequently than her.
Just was wondering if she would explore and find his love language..,. This might help also
First thing I thought of was past sexual abuse or possibly questioning his sexual orientation. It’s rough. Will be praying for you.
I read this post this morning and I have literally been praying for you all day. I am so sorry you are going through this, I really have no words other than God is sovereign, he loves you so dearly, and he will do a mighty work in you. Keep trusting and following Him, remember, even in marriage we are ultimately fulfilled by Jesus Christ. Hugs!
My heart really goes out to you. I
My wife is like that. We got married three months ago and she nearly had an anxiety attack on our wedding night and even though she didn’t say she didn’t want me to touch her in so many words, there’s that feeling. She would tense up and look like she’s about to cry. Now I’m afraid to do anything, like I don’t want her to feel like I’m forcing myself on her and I feel somewhat ashamed for wanting to be intimate. I’m hoping to find the courage to talk about it.
Thanks for your blog. It’s a blessing.
I completely understand where you’re coming from. My wife did break down crying on our honeymoon. She had this huge expectation that sex would come naturally and that we would just get it, but we had a ton of trouble getting intercourse to work that first week. She also placed a huge burden on herself because she was convinced that sex and her virginity was suppose to be her gift to me and she wasn’t able to provide that. I wanted to try and provide manual simulation in order to help, but she felt strongly that it shouldn’t come to that.
With time, she was able to relax and come to the understanding that not only was it OK, but that it gave her (and me) great pleasure. These days we know that manual simulation is just part of the process and helps to get her going. I can’t recall what the exact timetable was on when she came to accept that reality, but I think it was within the first several months of our marriage.
Ultimately, let me tell you this. Patience is of the utmost importance. I know it can be extremely hard (especially if there are external factors–my wife used to have constant migraines), but that’s ultimately what she needs. If you haven’t already, I would recommend gently suggesting she visit websites like J’s that provide ample advice. However, you have to be careful because she could easily misunderstand your intentions. Your approach is of the utmost importance.
I hope things improve for you. Will be praying.
Thank you so much, Luke. I think this is very helpful.
(And good for you helping your wife feel comfortable and learn to enjoy physical intimacy.)
It was really helpful to me to know, before my marriage, that it can take years to find sexual compatibility with your spouse. I wasn’t expecting things to be perfect right away. I hope things get better for this couple.
Very true. We often think sexual compatibility happens magically, when really it can and should be nurtured. Thanks, Lynn!
My heart hurts for you. I know the pain of being rejected daily by your husband. Each rejection feels like you’re being kicked in stomach. It leaves you breathless and aching. You are not alone in your pain. Like J, I also grieve for you.
Having been in your position and coming out of it (there is hope!) I would say that J has given you some good advice. I would caution about going to one of his friends though, even as a last resort. It’s likely there is some deeply embarrassing feelings that are at the root of this and going to one of his peers would probably feel like a huge violation of his trust. My husband would have felt that way. He couldn’t even bring himself to tell me the issues behind his lack of interest in sex, so he would have been furious and defensive if I’d shared with one of his friends…even if my motives were pure.
I do agree with J and others that there is likely something much more behind his lack of interest than just shyness. I once read a blog post by a higher drive woman titled “If Sex is the Problem, It’s Not the Issue”. Truer words have never been spoken. There is definitely some underlying cause (or causes) leading to his rejection. Shyness may be part of it, but probably isn’t all of the cause. As J and others stated, you need to be patient but keep seeking answers and change. Calmly let him know how much his actions are hurting you and that you are his safe place. Tell him that he can share anything with you and not worry about being embarrassed. Reassure him that you love him and only want to be one with him in all areas of marriage.
It’s also possible that some of the actions and responses mentioned in the question are happening because he feels they will lead to sex. It was unclear to me from the question whether or not intercourse is taking place. If so, this comment may not apply. My husband refused to French Kiss me too. He also held back affection and other things that I wanted. His reason for rejecting me in these ways was because he thought they might lead to sex. And, he was avoiding sex at all costs.
I got through many years of a sexless marriage by focusing on all of the positive things about my husband and marriage. My husband lacked terribly at being physically intimate, but he excelled in every other way. I made a conscious choice to focus on the positives in our relationship in order to withstand the rejection. I pray God will help you do the same as you continue working out the sexual issues. You and your husband will continue to be in my prayers.
Thanks so much for your encouragement.
I do think involving someone else is a last resort, but I think it’s biblical that if someone is belligerently sinning (in this case, withholding and rejecting their spouse), eventually you have to get help from somewhere. When I was in the deep pit time with my marriage, I confided in a friend, who told an elder, who approached me in the lobby at church with no privacy whatsoever. Was I furious? You bet! Did it help? No way! So believe me, I know this has to be handled with enormous care. I did try to give some caveats on the kind of person you can involve. Because, looking back, I think there were people who could have privately approached me and made headway, for the sake of my marriage, and we could have healed more quickly.
J, I totally agree with everything you just said and got that from your initial post. I just think if it comes to that it should be a pastor, church elder, counselor or someone in those types of roles rather than one of his friends. And, it should definitely be someone who will be discrete! This is such a delicate issue and male egos can be fragile. My husband would have been mortified and furious if I had ever told any of his friends or family. And, like your unfortunate situation, I don’t think that would have solved anything. It probably would have just caused serious strife. My husband’s refusal lasted 22 years. I wish I had found a way early on to get him to see how much he was hurting me and our marriage! We are both very grateful that everything is changing now, but there has been a lot lost that we can never get back. And, the healing from all of the rejection and things that went along with it will continue for a while.
Understood. Thanks for clarifying, K!
Regardless of the gender, this is so common in marriages. One partner feels uncomfortable with sex acts. I’m wondering if he has been sexually abused. I know that my abuse really affected my marriage and I felt grossed out by a lot of things sexually at first too. Took quite some time to get to a point where my husband touching me didn’t bring up bad feelings.
It’s interesting that the wife mentioned that her husband doesn’t seem uncomfortable for her to touch him…..but is extremely uncomfortable touching her. My first thought was guilt from a sexual past, or lacking confidence in his own sexual ability (as opposed to him being sexually abused). I also wonder what kind of premarital counseling they received? Most Christian-based will include at least one session to talk about sex together and also separately (man-to-man and woman-to-woman). This is how it was at my old church. All premarital counseling was done by married couples; and friends from other churches had the same thing. If this woman’s husband has sexual issues, I’d have thought they would’ve come up in counseling (presuming they had counseling). My heart goes out to this wife. I am praying for her, and I also wish I could give her a hug!
Many couples have limited counseling, and unfortunately, some counselors and pastors are uncomfortable themselves discussing sex so they don’t cover it deeply enough. Thanks so much for your comments and your prayers!
I’m not the only K posting so I apologize for the confusion if any, but one of us is clearly male and the other seems to be female, since I’ve been using it a while I’ll stick to it.
You make an excellent point J, Pre-marital counseling in Churches is lacking. I would say it is one of the biggest gaps there is confronting Christian marriages today, so many young couples are unprepared, with relevant practical knowledge and expectations, but are also unequipped to resolve differences, or how to communicate in a loving and gentle manner. If any counseling occurs, it is often incomplete, does not last long, and the intimate details can often be missing completely or lacking in enough substance to be of any help.
I tend to advocate couples see their pastor but also seek out a married couple they admire and inquire if they would agree to be an additional resource. I don’t mean just anyone but the couple you feel comfortable with who is visibly still very much in love and has had experience of a marriage of sufficiently long marriage a decade or more, get to know them because they may be more than a valuable and trusted resource, but a lifeline short of counseling or therapy.
Many churches have couples who have gone through training to provide an extra element of premarital counseling, but use it as an extended resource follow up during your first year and not just as the sessions allow, but are committed for at least the first year to help you. That’s a little better. But you still need to get to know them, they may not be a good fit for you later.
The young couple that writes was so focused on purity, that they may know all the verses, especially if they are very conservative and had little physical contact. But I would not be surprised if practical advice is missing.
I can particularly relate to this poor lady! Though I am a man, I can feel her pain as I am in a similar situation. I have a wife who has never been very comfortable with her body and prefers to avoid nakedness, much to my dismay. Somehow, full nudity, and especially the genital organs are very unattractive to her. This has been a problem for many years in our marriage and has caused me much heartache and to even doubt my own self acceptance of my body. In my case, there has been particular disgust that my wife has expressed when I ejaculate my semen. Due to her bodily, and occasional verbal, reactions it has become very difficult to ejaculate when I am with her. It is almost as if my body has gone into shutdown mode and will not allow a full release and ejaculation if she is in the same room as me. It is very clear to me that she does not like that part of making love and subsequently causes me to unconsciously start blocking when I get close to climax. She has stopped using terms like “that’s gross” or it “looks likes snot” a while ago, but her bodily reactions when I used to ejaculate continue to communicate to me her aversion of my liquid. We have talked about this in the past many times and she would quickly shut me down with saying things like I need to get over it, I’m not like that anymore, I’ve changed. Despite these words that were spoken, she still does not like to see, feel, or touch any of my ejaculate. She asks me for plenty of warning when I start to get close to coming in order to pull away and not get any of it on her skin or near her. She positions herself so that any fluid that leaks out is pointed in the opposite direction of her, and if any does drip onto her she would suddenly or immediately wipe it off and leave the room to wash her hands. I have asked her before why ejaculation is so repulsive to her and she gives short answers and changes the subject. I have given her books to read on freedom that can be experienced in the bedroom, and the purity, both spiritually and physically that God promotes, but she usually lays these books aside and states she just has no interest in reading them or they don’t appeal to her. She sometimes states that these books just “make me feel bad” because they hold a standard up that is “just not me” or “make me feel pressured”.
This has caused me to yearn for sexual experiences outside of my marriage, and at times I have slipped, in the past, which then has only compounded the problem even further. I, like the letter you posted, am not sure where to go or what to do now that my body is subconsciously responding to the situation by disallowing ejaculation.
We have been to sexual counselors, regular marital counselors, conferences, marital healing getaways, pastors, close friends who we trust, and received oodles of inner healing prayer and ministry. I know there may be nothing significantly different that you could offer, but have you heard of a situation like this? And just knowing there may be others struggling with the feelings that I do may help me to feel better knowing that I am not alone in my struggle. Any men out there feel this way? I welcome your responses!
This is tough stuff. Because (1) I’m only hearing your side, and (2) I sort of hate to say what I truly believe, because it could sound harsh. Well, here it goes anyway…
Balderdash and poppycock! I can’t stand that “it’s just not who I am” excuse for not being obedient to your Heavenly Father and loving to the person you married. So if I suddenly decided that showering just isn’t who I am, can I stop grooming altogether and stink like yesterday’s trash? Of course, you shouldn’t say that to her. (At least not with my snarky tone.) But continued resistance to a loving sexual relationship with no willingness to converse, pray, change, seek help, etc. is selfishness and rebelliousness. And that’s hard to say…about anyone’s spouse.
Now there could very well be more to this story. Like if I sat her down, would she have her own litany of complaints? Quite possibly. She might have some relationship reasons for withholding that would make sense once I talked to her.
But it’s just not okay to repeatedly tell someone to get over something that is a reasonable, God-given expectation for marriage.
What to do? You are still held to the standard of being loving and patient and kind, etc. when you deal with her. But don’t stop pursuing answers. And pray — pray a lot. You need time with God to strengthen your resolve to remain faithful regardless, to ask God to change you in any ways that need changing for the sake of your marriage relationship, and to request His working in her heart and her life. You may not be able to say anything that changes her, but not giving up, remaining loyal, and bringing her before God again and again may trigger something in the future. I’ve heard several stories of years and years of struggle, followed by one spouse’s seeds of desire sprouting in the other in unexpected ways. Redemption is possible.
I am praying for you.
I think that time and patience can help. My husband and I also waited for kissing (and beyond) until marriage, and I had no reason to think our honeymoon wouldn’t be a ton of sex and exploration. Imagine my surprise when, after figuring out how to consummate our marriage on our wedding night, he starting putting his pj’s on before climbing into bed to sleep. I has just assumed that — “hey, we can be naked now, lets sleep without our clothes on!” I also thought he might be interested in some more activity, not just the once and then sleep.
Over the next several days, I realized that he wasn’t nearly as “into it” as I had thought he would be. He had spoken of his deep excitement prior to our wedding, and he did seem to enjoy our activities, but he wasn’t much into trying new things. I was a bit confused, and decided my best bet was to try to improve our marriage as soon as possible, using all the wisdom I had available to me. I had read the Bible and prayed a lot for our marriage, read this blog and the Sex Savvy book, and read a couple other Christian marriage blogs/books regarding what a wife should do in marriage. I realized that if our marriage was really bad I would certainly try to fix whatever I could, so why wait until it reached that point?
Over the following weeks I thought a lot about what to do, and kept on praying. One day, as though a light bulb went off in my head, I realized it very well could have something to do with my husband’s past. He grew up in a very Christian home and was the “model” boy, but he had admitted to me before our marriage that he had occasionally watched porn when he was in his teens and college. He had told me that he stopped when he realized the impact it would have on a marriage relationship as he began to think about heading that direction, but from my reading I felt sure that it could have some impact on our present life.
The next step was what to do about it. And as I thought and prayed more, I became convinced that he was a bit uncomfortable with his sexuality. I wondered if he was holding back because he wasn’t sure if I would think it was okay. Whenever I would ask for something he would do (or try) it, but he definitely wasn’t pushing boundaries to explore. I wanted so badly to feel desired and wanted, and wished he would just haul me off to our bedroom at least once, but it just didn’t happen. And so I set about making him more confident in his sexuality. Who better than his wife, I thought, to affirm him in that area? I made sure to verbalize my positive thoughts about his body and how much I enjoyed looking at him and doing things to/with him. It felt like too much talking, but I think he slowly started to accept that I really was attracted to him and saw him and his sexuality as a very good thing.
Over the past few months (we’re still newlyweds) I have seen marked change. He will initiate sex more often (hooray!) and has lately been on a kick of thinking up new things for us to try. I make a point of always enthusiastically trying whatever he suggests, as I want him to know that what he is thinking and would like to do with me is fine and within our marriage covenant. It is so incredibly encouraging to feel like he is becoming more confident and I have definitely learned a ton in the process about how to build him up, affirm, and encourage him as his wife.
Sorry this is so long…please edit or delete if you don’t think all or any of it is relevant. But I wanted to share our story as we have some similarities in situation. I hope it is helpful.
It’s very helpful! Testimonies are often the best forms of advice. Because they’re not, “I know exactly what you should do,” so much as “Here’s what worked for us!” And that could be the very thing that works for someone else.
Thank you, and I’m thrilled your sexual intimacy is improving. Good for you being intentional and prayerful about your marriage.
Much has been said about the possibility of abuse, possibly past sexual activity, or shame…..but here is what draws my attention. short a reason to believe the worst, I’ll choose simple, I may be wrong but this is a blog not a counseling session, based on these observations.
1. You are able to touch him.
2. But that he responds (sometimes?) as being ticklish.
3. He does not pursue her, and she must place his hands on her intimate parts, for him to touch her body.
4. He eventually loses interest, and recoils from touching of her, particularly in bed.
First, let me say there may be another simple reason – Men want to do things well, really, really well, and sometimes if we cannot do them well or do not know what to do, we can be embarrassed or will feel pressure, and it might be enough that some men may just not do them. Your new husband may have no idea what he is doing and so his reactions may be rooted in simply not knowing what to do with you. Here is where as a wife you get to show your husband how and where to touch you, and it is an effort in mutual exploration so be patient, give it time and be sure he knows that you are not experienced but are just trying to make an effort, and you’d really like for him to learn with you. Once you build his confidence a bit he’ll be more comfortable trying things that you yourself may not even know or care about except for the – oh wow!, and that is the beauty of a Godly marriage and the years you will have together.
Second, of all like any newly married couple you need to spend time exploring each others bodies, that you seem to have waited for so much, is definitely not a bad thing it just means you have a lot to learn about each other and a lifetime to do it in. I doubt he is digusted by the French kiss as much as he simply does not know what to do, be loving and gentle and let him in his own time. sometimes it is easier to try kissing with our mouths if we’ve used our tongues other places first. So let him start by licking you somewhere, anywhere he wants first.
Go slow but be persistent. He lets you touch him so he wants your touch, the ticklish reaction may just be because of the way you touch him. We learn how to touch our mates from our mates, absent prior experience with each other they will usually each touch the other how they want to be touched at first and then gradually learn how the other responds best. If he acts ticklish it is probably just a natural reaction to a touch that is light, it might be what you prefer, but may be too light for him. Touch him a little firmer, and slowly work to those spots until he gets more accustomed to you touching him. You do not want him recoiling in response to your touch or in anticipation, so be a little firmer and like most young men probably more around his genitals. Let his responses guide you. Same for the kissing he may not feel confident or comfortable yet in using his tongue so make it safe and ok for him to try.
Touching you, he just may not know what to do and so he gives up, so tell him what you like, tell him that you just like his touch, he needs a lot of reassurance from you that he is not messing up or that it feels good, the more feedback you give the quicker it is going to go. Bed adds another layer of pressure as in he needs to get it right and bring you to orgasm, so remove the pressure and just let him do what he will and ask him to touch you here or there in this way or that way, that you think he could do it really well and it would feel wonderful. You are encouraging him to master your body.
Sorry this is long. Praying for you.
Interesting guy perspective. Thanks!
Song of Solomon is about a man’s deep desire for a woman. If he is grossed out, is he a man? No joke, he might be struggling with homosexuality. It’s something he should talk about… to a counselor probably.
I understand the concern, but there are definitely other possible explanations. Speaking to a counselor could well be what he should do, though. There is clearly something amiss. Thanks, Jason.
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