I love sex the way God created it to be. I love what sex says about our Creator and our marriage covenant. I love sex with my husband. But there are things I hate about sex. Specifically…

How Much Satan Distorts Sex

While raising my sons, I often told them: “Satan can’t create anything. He can only distort what God created.” And boy, has Satan done that with sex!

God intended sex to nurture and express intimacy between husband and wife, but Satan uses sex to promote false versions of intimacy. From premarital sex to serial partners to erotica to pornography and more, he sets people up to believe that you can have the feelings of intimacy without commitment, personal growth, and mutual submission.

I experienced it myself when I engaged in premarital promiscuity. I longed for the acceptance and affection of a man, and I got it—after I had sex with him. But it was counterfeit. It lasted for a short time and left me feeling as empty as, or even emptier than, before.

Perhaps you’ve known a phony version of intimacy. It might be that porn actress that seemed to accept you just as you are, or that one-night stand that made you feel desirable, or that emotional affair you’re carrying on in a chat room or on social media that no one else knows about. But you know. You know it’s not what you really want. It’s a distortion of what God designed.

And I hate that Satan has taken what God intended to be good and twisted it into something that hurts God’s children so much.

What I Hate About Sex: "I hate that Satan has taken what God intended to be good and twisted it into something that hurts God's children so much."
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How Much the Church Has Gotten Wrong About Sex

The number of times someone has told me how the Church messed up their view of sex is staggering. I still believe the Church has not been as bad as the world in this regard, but given that we should be So Much Better, our failures stand out like neon signs warning folks we’re not trustworthy.

Our infractions range from bad messaging to enabling sexual abuse, and while I certainly don’t equate the extremes, we have, as the scripture says, fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). As believers, we have the truth about sex. We should know what it’s supposed to look like.

And yet, I get messages from women who were told that submission requires putting up with sexual oppression by their husbands, from spouses who were sexually assaulted or harassed by church members, from individuals who are struggling to move beyond shame dumped on them as part of Purity Culture, and from couples advised by pastors or Christian counselors that no sex in a marriage isn’t a problem. While the Church has done better in recent years, we have a long, long way to go to get the topic of sex right.

I hate that the Church has messed up so much, because it means we’ve messed up people. And in sinning against them, we have sinned against God (see Psalm 51) and undermined the Gospel. How many have left our fold or not come in at all because we didn’t honor God’s children regarding their sexuality and desire for true intimacy?

How Some Use Sex as a Weapon

God planted in us a deep longing for intimacy, and one way that can be experienced is through sex according to His design. But that longing also makes us vulnerable in a broken world to becoming a predator or a victim. While sexual assault, childhood molestation, and harassment can easily be identified as falling into that paradigm—and dear God, I ache for those who’ve been through that—sex is weaponized in many other contexts as well.

Withholders may avoid sex to punish their spouse for real-but-small or perceived slights or to barter for what they want in other areas of marriage. They may enjoy the control it gives them over the whole marriage to be the gatekeeper of all sexual contact.*

Pursuers may avoid other intimate activities unless they get the sex they want or demand a certain frequency or particular activities as what they’re “owed” by their mate. They may consider a missed sexual encounter a sin against them and hold a grudge against their spouse.

And then, there are those who claim that marital rape isn’t real; that is, that when you say “I Do,” you’re agreeing to any sexual encounter your spouse wants, when they want it, where they want it, how they want it. That attitude weaponizes sex against a fellow child of God who was also given free will.

Worst of all, too many spouses use Scripture to justify their weaponization of sex. As I’ve said before, the Bible is not your bludgeon (3 More Principles Christians Should Affirm About Sex). Please don’t pull a verse out of context, cite it to your spouse, and attempt to use it as a pressure tactic to get what you want. As I noted in that same post:

The Word of God definitely has something to say about what sex should look like, as well as what we owe each other within marriage. But the Bible is God’s love letter to you—not His edict against your spouse. The primary goal of reading Bible passages should be applying them to our own sin-filled lives.

What then does one hope to gain by pulling out scriptures and hurling them at our spouse? Is it our defense mechanism? Are we lashing out to make our spouse feel pain like we’ve felt? Or do we simply expect our spouse to hurt so much they’ll change to avoid more of it? Even if that were to happen, how would that improve your overall intimacy?

Yes, I hate sex being weaponized against others and how much we’ve accepted and even promoted such weaponization.

*Note: There are good reasons for not wanting sex in marriage. You can find more about that in 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex and other posts on my site.

How We Compartmentalize It

I hate how we compartmentalize sex. Both the secular world and the Church have too often treated sex like this side gig we’ve got going on that doesn’t impact the rest of our selves. You can find both pornographers and professing Christians who convey that sex is just a physical act and/or what goes on between consenting adults should have few boundaries. That is not what God created sex to be! Nor is that our experience when you take an honest look at the fallout of that perspective. We instinctively know sex means more.

Christians have also diminished the importance of our sexuality by calling it sin or only preaching about the sin side of sex. Through Church history, many viewed sex as an act of the flesh with the idea that we should be pursuing acts of the Spirit instead (despite that not being what God’s Word teaches). And then, there’s simply our discomfort of bringing God into our sex life; we say we want Him in our life, but not in our bedroom.

One of the points I often make when I’m speaking is that many spiritual aspects of ourselves are expressed through these bodies God gave us. In Matthew 25:31–46, Jesus praises those who feed the hungry, clothe the stranger, or visit the sick or imprisoned. How are those not physical acts that express a godly heart? And Jesus Himself healed through His words and His hands. What the Bible teaches is that we must not be overcome by sinful fleshly desires, but that we must integrate our bodies with pure hearts, renewed minds, and spirit-filled souls.

But we keep compartmentalizing sex and missing out on what God had in mind.

The Sex I Love

Obviously, I don’t hate sex. But I do hate how it’s been misused in so many ways, and I hate the injury that has done to so many hearts and souls. I wish every one of you was experiencing the kind of sex God designed for us to have.

Of course, I don’t think anyone achieves perfection in the sexual arena. No matter how holy and healthy your sexual intimacy with your spouse, we’ll still have challenges because this world is broken. However, many challenges can be overcome, and sex in marriage can thrive. But ONLY if we pursue the one-flesh sex God created.

Let’s hate what our Creator hates and love what He loves.

The post What I Hate About Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Last week, I covered the first three of seven misconceptions and false teachings about sex that still hang around out there, coming from Christian authors and speakers, church leaders, and believers in general. While we can have honest and reasonable disagreements about particulars, some principles should be affirmed by all Christians.

The first four principles from last week’s post are:

1. Sex is for both of you.
2. God created sex for more than reproduction.
3. Sex is not just a transaction.
4. Force and pressure have no place in the marriage bed.

This week, we’re addressing the final three.

5. Even within marriage, there are some limits.

“Anything Goes” is a song written by Cole Porter, not a verse written by the Holy Spirit. And yet, that is the attitude of a few Christian bloggers—that once married, you can do anything and everything. As if the words “I do” mean “I do any kinky, crazy thing I want.”

One specific blogger used Hebrews 13:4 as his proof text that all activities were equally fine once married. In the New King James Version, it reads, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Thus, the blogger interpreted that the marriage bed is undefiled no matter what happens.

But that’s not what the verse is saying! A better translation would be any of the following:

• Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (NIV)
• Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. (ESV)
• Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery. (NLT)
• Let marriage be honorable in all, and the marriage bed undefiled; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers. (BLB)

Hebrews 13:4 isn’t about green-lighting every kinky idea you’ve ever had, but rather keeping the marriage bed pure by avoiding adultery and sexual immorality. Plus, we have to consider how the rest of the Bible commands us to treat one another in marriage—and that doesn’t involve using our spouse as our personal sex toy.

Which brings me to another fallacy: that if God didn’t specifically ban an act, it’s automatically honky-dory.

Certainly the Church has at times banned or belittled a sexual practice that is perfectly fine. And we should not place undue burdens on believers, as the Pharisees did. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).

But later in that chapter, Paul also points out: “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love” (5:13). We should follow God’s direct commands but also apply godly principles to determine what can be on our bedroom menu and what should be left off.

We should follow God's direct commands but also apply godly principles to determine what can be on our bedroom menu and what should be left off. @hotholyhumorous
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1 Corinthians 10:23-24 puts it this way: “‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.”

Faithful Christians can argue about where the boundaries are, but the idea that there are boundaries should be no-brainer.

6. Porn and erotica are bad.

Here’s another should-be-obvious point, but it’s apparently not. Because I’ve read plenty of excuses for engaging with porn or erotica—everything from “it doesn’t hurt anyone” to “we learn from it” to “it helps us get aroused for each other.” And then there’s the standby claims that porn is a reasonable substitute when a spouse won’t provide sex or that erotica is okay because no actual persons are involved.

If you want to know what I think about porn and erotica, you can head to any of these:

• Episode 154: Why We’re Against Porn and Erotica
• 5 Reasons to Stop Using Porn…Now
• Why I Haven’t Talked About 50 Shades
• It’s True: Porn Can Kill Your Sex Life
• Is Animated Porn a Problem?
• 50 Shades of Here-We-Go-Again

But the summary is that they’re bad for your soul and your marriage. They move focus away from your spouse and onto others; they prioritize the physicality of sex above any other aspect; and they normalize fringe activities and searching for that next high.

There’s a storytelling subgenre oddly titled “Christian erotica.” All that means is that it has the same purpose and effect as other erotica, but the characters are married. C’mon! Are we really that gullible? Is it somehow okay to involve others in your exclusive, one-flesh bedroom if they’re married too? Think through that logic, and you’ll find it’s not logical at all.

In addition, porn involves real people who get hurt. Do not cite their willingness, the pay they receive, or “amateur porn” unless and until you have fully researched porn’s high prevalence of abuse, sexually transmitted infections, and sex trafficking. And just because that girl looks twenty-one doesn’t mean she is.

Whether you want to call porn and erotica sin or not—and I believe it is—it’s definitely unwise. Just ask all the couples who had their marriages wrecked by it. Ask couples who had to walk the journey of rebuilding their intimacy. Even ask non-Christian experts who researched the subject thoroughly (An Open Letter on Porn, The Gottman Institute). And if you’re in a sexless marriage, engaging in porn or erotica will worsen an already difficult situation.

7. The Bible is not your bludgeon.

Last, but not least, could we please stop using or suggesting the use of a Bible passage as a personal bludgeon against one’s spouse?

The Word of God definitely has something to say about what sex should look like, as well as what we owe each other within marriage. But the Bible is God’s love letter to you—not His edict against your spouse. The primary goal of reading Bible passages should be applying them to our own sin-filled lives.

What then does one hope to gain by pulling out scriptures and hurling them at our spouse? Is it our defense mechanism? Are we lashing out to make our spouse feel pain like we’ve felt? Or do we simply expect our spouse to hurt so much they’ll change to avoid more of it? Even if that were to happen, how would that improve your overall intimacy?

Let’s take the most common infraction in the area of sex: using 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to demand your spouse give you sex. Wanna see how that makes this blogger feel?

I actually like that passage because it’s NOT about obligation but the priority and mutuality of sexual intimacy. But you have to understand its context.

At that time, some Christians in Corinth had proclaimed celibacy a holier state, so spouses were trying to avoid sex to be more spiritual. Rather than agreeing, the apostle Paul reasserts that God wants married couples to make love regularly, that sex is a crucial part of marriage, that we should not deprive one another as if that is a higher form of obedience when God Himself created sex for marriage! Paul’s not offering spouses a bludgeon, but rather affirming God’s invitation for couples to enjoy sexual intimacy with gratitude not guilt.

In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Paul's not offering spouses a bludgeon, but rather affirming God's invitation for married couples to enjoy sexual intimacy with gratitude not guilt. @hotholyhumorous
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But let’s presume your spouse is completely wrong—on this or something else—and needs conviction by the Holy Spirit. You still don’t get to be the one to hammer down judgment. As Christ said, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7, ESV).

What you can do instead includes:

• Pray for your spouse
• Communicate your feelings and concerns
• Ask about their feelings and concerns and give them real consideration
• Propose studying the Bible together
• Suggest marriage counseling
• Attend a marriage class or conference (check out my upcoming CRUISE!)
• Work on yourself
• Set proper boundaries
• Continue to communicate and ask for what you want, with gentleness and love
• Involve others if persistent sin warrants (e.g., abuse, addiction, adultery)
• Keep praying

But please don’t use God’s words like Thor’s hammer on your spouse. No matter how right you may be in what is said, how you say it matters quite a lot to our Heavenly Father.

So here’s the full list of seven principles we Christians should affirm (and teach) about sex:

1. Sex is for both of you.
2. God created sex for more than reproduction.
3. Sex is not just a transaction.
4. Force and pressure have no place in the marriage bed.
5. Even within marriage, there are some limits.
6. Porn and erotica are bad.
7. The Bible is not your bludgeon.

You may also want to check out our Sex Chat for Christian Wives episode on Foundations of Sexual Intimacy.

Don’t Forget to Check Out the Cruise!

The post 3 More Principles Christians Should Affirm About Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

In recent weeks, I’ve been looking for more sources of both practical information and emotional inspiration to address my current chronic health issues. One personal story that struck me comes from actor Timothy Omundson, whom I was familiar with as Detective Lassiter in Psych and King Richard in Galavant. (I understand he’s now in This Is Us.) I was listening to an interview with him by actor Michael Rosenbaum, and he said something that stuck with me as applicable to any journey of healing—including the healing of your sexuality or marital intimacy.

Here’s the clip:

From Inside of You podcast with Michael Rosenbaum (heads-up: full episode has a lot of curse words)

Honor the Milestones

Other marriage bloggers have spoken very well about celebrating your progress. But something about that particular phrasing—honor the milestones—resonates with me.

Maybe it’s because I’m a fan generally of the word honor. It appears often in scripture (178 hits for that word in the KJV, 177 in the ESV, and 211 in the NIV) and in a few of my favorite verses, such as:

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Romans 12:10

You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.”

Revelation 4:11

And then there’s this verse about the marriage bed:

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Hebrews 13:4

Also, the phrase honor the milestones is reminiscent of the story of Samuel setting down an actual stone to mark the progress of God’s people.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”

1 Samuel 7:12

How We Make Progress

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times: I wish I had the magic bullet to make everyone’s marriage bed a place of mutual pleasure, satisfaction, and intimacy.

But then I also wish we could cure hunger, poverty, addiction, mental illness, disease, and a host of other ills. (Cue “Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” by The Beach Boys.)

God’s response is that He will restore a lot (Joel 2:25) and turn wailing to dancing (Psalm 30:11)! He will be with us in our pain (Psalm 34:18) and our journey toward something better (Isaiah 43:2). But if you’re looking for a single switch that flips it all from bad to good, that’s next-life stuff.

Rather, progress is almost always made incrementally. Even Paul, with his Road to Damascus Conversion, spent a long time with Ananias as a mentor and then being refined into the apostle he became.

Starting with Baby Steps

We’ve said it so often on the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast that it’s become a square on our bingo card: You begin with baby steps.

Baby steps begin tentatively. But what happens after your child takes his/her first step? Does anyone say, “Big deal. I’ll cheer once they’re running”? Noooooo! As any young parent knows, you applaud like your child just won a gold medal at the Olympics!

Over time, of course you don’t have that same reaction for a few steps. But you do continue to encourage your child, and you share their progress with others who love them (and maybe a few who don’t).

Yet when it comes to making progress in our marriage or our sex lives, do we cheer on those first steps? It’s true that you can’t stop there, but those first tentative steps matter. For encouragement, check out any or all of these posts from a few of my marvelous colleagues:

• Forgiven Wife: Baby Steps for Moving Forward, One Step Forward, Keep on Walking
• Generous Wife: Baby Steps, Small is Better, Baby Steps Will Get You There, A Little Bit Sexier
• Generous Husband: Yoda Was Wrong!, Baby Steps and Small Beginnings
• Intimacy in Marriage: Are Incremental Changes the Secret to Better Sex in Your Marriage?

Marking the Milestones

Maybe you’re just starting out with those baby steps.

Or maybe you’ve worked on issues for a while, but you’re frustrated that you haven’t reached your goals. Despite doing better:

• You still struggle with body image.
• Your past trauma got triggered, again.
• You can’t seem to fully relax and enjoy the experience.
• You made another clumsy attempt to initiate sex.
• You failed to reach orgasm this time.
• You didn’t feel God’s blessing of your sexual pleasure, but rather guilt.

Add whatever other frustration you’re experiencing to the list.

But what about how far you’ve come?

Honoring the milestones—truly honoring them with the attitude of “Thus far the Lord has helped [me]“—can remind us that even a step back isn’t a failure. You are on a journey, and all the steps you’ve taken toward healthy and holy sexual intimacy with your spouse matter.

"You are on a journey, and all the steps you've taken toward healthy and holy sexual intimacy with your spouse matter." @marriage #Christiansex
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They are markers toward the ultimate goal of one flesh and the mystery of reflecting God and His bride, the Church.

Remembering the Past, Pressing Ahead

Sometimes, I think we misconstrue this verse, believing we’re supposed to be solely focused on the future:

But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13b-14 (ESV)

Yet in that book, Paul talks about what has been happening in his life and refers back to all that God has done for him, especially through the sacrifice of Christ. He doesn’t dwell in the past, but he uses what has happened so far to push him forward toward the prize.

It’s like a marathon runner who doesn’t, or shouldn’t, keep thinking about the last mile and how they could have done it differently. Rather, they calculate how far they’ve come (halfway there!) and focus on where they’re going (finish line!).

Not that I have any actual idea how runners think. I’m in the camp of if you see me running, you should run too, because we’re being chased by something bad. But I have heard that’s how they think. Hey, roll with me here!

You’ll do all this better if you write it down. Honestly. It’s science.

That is, honor the milestones by writing out where you started, what your first steps were like, how far you’ve come, what your next step will be, and where you hope to end up. If it helps, use the tool below (page 1–blue, page 2–pink).

I’m happy to cheer you on too! So feel free to share in the comments:

• What steps you’ve taken so far
• How your view of God’s design for sex or sexual intimacy in your marriage has improved

I’ve got my confetti ready!

The post As You Work on Sexual Intimacy, Be Sure to Do This! appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

However, five names on the list are definitely pronounceable — and female. Yes, there are five women listed in Jesus’ genealogy, and their inclusion in this list reveals something important about sexual history and God’s plan. Let’s take a look at each woman from Jesus’ family tree.

Tamar (Matthew 1:3). The story of Tamar is told in Genesis 38, and it’s a doozy — the sort of tale that is incredibly honest about the personal failings of God’s people. Summarizing the story: Judah, son of Jacob and brother of Joseph, marries and produces three sons. The firstborn marries Tamar, but he dies without her bearing children. By Hebrew law, Judah’s next son was required to marry Tamar, give her a child, and the child would take her first husband’s name — to keep his bloodline. Instead, Judah’s next son (Onan) deliberately fails in his duty and then dies, and Judah doesn’t give his next son to Tamar.

So Tamar takes to take matters into her own hands, poses as a shrine prostitute, and Judah sleeps with her, not realizing until later that he impregnated his former daughter-in-law. Awful, right? Like soap-opera or bad-reality-TV-show awful. And then God takes all this mess and produces a Messiah from this bloodline. Say what?!

Judah’s sons had an obligation — sexually. In that era, Tamar was expected to conceive and raise children, and when she married the first son, the whole family committed to her that duty. When they didn’t fulfill their duty, Tamar found a different way to satisfy her needs.

We don’t have the same obligations today to marry the siblings of dead husbands, but people behave in similar ways. When sexual needs aren’t met according to God’s design, people tend to start looking elsewhere. What Tamar did was absolutely wrong, but the denial of sexual duty to her was wrong as well. Sexual sin goes both ways.

Rahab (Matthew 1:5). Rahab’s on my Top 10 Bible Women list. I relate to her story and love how she turned her life around.

Rahab is a prostitute in Jericho when it’s conquered and leveled by Joshua, his army, and God shattering the city walls on their behalf. Beforehand, she hid two Israelite spies from Jericho authorities looking for them, allied herself with the coming army, and asked for protection in the siege. Joshua honors the spies’ commitment, and Rahab moves into the Israelite community.

Think about that: Rehab left behind her former home, former occupation, former life, and became part of God’s people. Since she appears in Jesus’ bloodline, I suspect she found a husband, settled down, had kids, and lived a far better life. (Yeah, I relate.) She could have been so easily defined by her previous choices, her bad sexual history, but God didn’t see her that way. When she left her old life behind, she got a fresh start — a second chance.

God gives second chances every day, to those who have sexually sinned in all kinds of ways. If a former pagan prostitute can be welcomed into God’s community, those with sinful sexual pasts can be forgiven and blessed as well. Whatever our sexual history, we can start fresh today. We can leave behind the bad choices and make different ones. We can find forgiveness and healing. We can come into the fold of God’s people and become part of Jesus’ family. You aren’t defined by your past or how others see you, but rather your present choices and your future of hope.

Ruth (Matthew 1:5). We know nothing about Ruth’s first husband, only that he was named Kilion. When he dies, Ruth and her mother-in-law, Naomi, return to Judah. To feed themselves, Ruth begins gleaning the fields of a wealthy landowner and relative, Boaz. And let’s be honest, ladies: Both Ruth’s beautiful spirit and her savvy flirting catch her a husband.

Is anyone else bothered that Ruth basically sneaked into Boaz’s bed? I certainly wouldn’t recommend that course of action to any young woman. But like I said — the Bible is brutally honest and tells it like it happened. Knowing his reputation, Naomi certainly believed her daughter-in-law was safe in his company. And Ruth’s approach got Boaz’s attention.

What’s the takeaway? The Bible doesn’t say that Boaz took advantage of the situation. Perhaps he understood his role was to honor this woman by holding her sexuality sacred. Whatever a woman’s opportunity or current situation with boyfriend or fiancé, the goal is sex in marriage. Husbands are commanded to present their wives holy and blameless, and that attitude can begin before marriage. Once married, God blessed the sexual union of Boaz and Ruth with a baby boy, who was the grandfather of King David.

Bathsheba (Matthew 1:6). There are two takes I’ve heard on Bathsheba — either she was the wife of a soldier who was taken and presented to King David without asking for it, or she was a flirtatious woman bathing on her roof for the king to see and a willing participant in adultery. Either way, she conceived a son outside of the bonds of matrimony, and her second husband was her former adulterous lover. Not the way to start a marriage.

But the sexual story of Bathsheba that grabbed me most is not her adulterous affair with King David, but how sex played a part in her marriage after the death of her child. 2 Samuel 12:24a says: “Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her.” I’ve written about this event before, and the amazing ability of sexual intimacy in marriage to comfort a spouse. However, it’s clear that — although her entry into this marriage was not God-approved — God forgave and blessed David and Bathsheba with restorative intimacy and another child, the future King Solomon.

Some marriages have rocky, or even sinful, beginnings, but when we turn our hearts toward God, He can bless our marriage and our sexual intimacy. We start where we are right now.

Mary (Matthew 1:16). We Christians see Mary as young, innocent, a willing servant, and a thoughtful and loving mother. At the time she lived, however, people saw her as a knocked-up teenage mom. She was betrothed to Joseph, but they hadn’t officially married or consummated their union. So when she turns up “with child,” how does that look? Surely, Mary faced others looking askance at her for an ill-timed pregnancy. But it doesn’t matter how others saw her in that moment. What mattered is that God was working in her life, bringing out His divine plan, and blessing her marriage to Joseph.

What ultimately matters in your life is not what others think about your sexuality, but if you’re following God’s plan. The world and some Christians may not understand or approve of your choices to hold out for marriage and then experience frequent and intimate sex in marriage, but God smiles upon you when you follow His design.

None of these women — Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary — became part of Jesus’ bloodline through the usual means we might expect. Their sexual histories were unusual, but God acted in their lives and planted the Messiah into their family tree.

While I believe we should seek God’s best with all our heart and efforts, it’s pretty clear from Jesus’ family tree that God’s grace is alive and well when it comes to sexual intimacy. He can work powerfully in our lives and create something beautiful from whatever we bring Him.

Are you bringing God your sexual story? Asking Him to bring forth something beautiful and lasting from your life?

[This post was edited here and there after thoughtful comments from readers.]

The post What Jesus’ Family Tree Tells Me about Sexuality appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I understand the intention of that statement: Sex is something sweet and tasty added to marriage that makes it that much more delightful. It sounds great really — an appealing sentiment.

The problem is . . . I don’t like icing. No, really. Give me a piece of cake, and I will be scraping that icing right off.

Okay, okay, that’s not really the problem. But my dislike of icing did get me thinking about the statement of sex-as-icing. And I think it’s flat-out wrong.

Because when I remove the icing, I still eat the cake — every single bite. I eat and enjoy the whole cake — just not the last addition, the part that went on after the whole thing was mixed, baked, and cooled.

And sex wasn’t an addition to God’s plan for marriage. Honestly, it’s all of two verses between “then the Lord God made a woman…and he brought her to the man” and “they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:22, 24). Hardly a Heavenly afterthought!

Sexual intimacy is an ingredient in the cake. It’s essential.

Pick which ingredient. You could argue it’s the sugar that sweetens the whole thing or the baking powder that causes it to rise or the egg that binds the ingredients together or the butter that — well, it’s butter, and butter is just yummy awesome. It could even be a bit of vanilla extract that gives the cake some kick. But whatever it is, sex is in the cake, part of the plan for marriage.

If you leave sex out of marriage, things don’t taste right. Something is missing in the intimacy a husband and wife can truly have. You still come out with something, but it’s not good cake. Even slapping some icing on top won’t rescue a cake without egg or sugar inside.

Too many marriages relegate sex to being the icing on the cake — added to their relationship when everything else is put together and handled. Sex becomes what we do when the household is in order, when kids’ activities and desires are fully met, when conversation and romance have been maxed out, when time and circumstance allow. It’s what we squeeze into our weekend after cleaning the house and going to the grocery store. It’s the indulgence we allow ourselves when our husband manages to hit just right in that ten-minute window between our head hitting the pillow and sleep settling into our weary body.

All those other aspects of marriage are important, but sex is too. You may even think sex is wonderful. But is it deeply baked into your marriage cake? Or is it something you sometimes scrape off the cake and move to the side of your plate?

It’s not the only ingredient of a good marriage, but sex is certainly in the mix. God created it that way. When we put the right ingredients into our marriage, we can’t help but turn out a great cake — the sort of cake a decorator would be thrilled to add piped designs, iced latticework, and blooming flowers. A delicious masterpiece.

Do you treat sex like an essential ingredient or simply the icing?

(And yes, I know some of you avoid the cake and eat the icing. But that’s not exactly the point either. And of course, if we meet at a cake-worthy event, you’ll see scraped-off icing on my plate and you’re more than welcome to have it.)

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