Hot, Holy & Humorous

What I Hate About Sex

I love sex the way God created it to be. I love what sex says about our Creator and our marriage covenant. I love sex with my husband. But there are things I hate about sex. Specifically…

How Much Satan Distorts Sex

While raising my sons, I often told them: “Satan can’t create anything. He can only distort what God created.” And boy, has Satan done that with sex!

God intended sex to nurture and express intimacy between husband and wife, but Satan uses sex to promote false versions of intimacy. From premarital sex to serial partners to erotica to pornography and more, he sets people up to believe that you can have the feelings of intimacy without commitment, personal growth, and mutual submission.

I experienced it myself when I engaged in premarital promiscuity. I longed for the acceptance and affection of a man, and I got it—after I had sex with him. But it was counterfeit. It lasted for a short time and left me feeling as empty as, or even emptier than, before.

Perhaps you’ve known a phony version of intimacy. It might be that porn actress that seemed to accept you just as you are, or that one-night stand that made you feel desirable, or that emotional affair you’re carrying on in a chat room or on social media that no one else knows about. But you know. You know it’s not what you really want. It’s a distortion of what God designed.

And I hate that Satan has taken what God intended to be good and twisted it into something that hurts God’s children so much.

What I Hate About Sex: "I hate that Satan has taken what God intended to be good and twisted it into something that hurts God's children so much." Share on X

How Much the Church Has Gotten Wrong About Sex

The number of times someone has told me how the Church messed up their view of sex is staggering. I still believe the Church has not been as bad as the world in this regard, but given that we should be So Much Better, our failures stand out like neon signs warning folks we’re not trustworthy.

Our infractions range from bad messaging to enabling sexual abuse, and while I certainly don’t equate the extremes, we have, as the scripture says, fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). As believers, we have the truth about sex. We should know what it’s supposed to look like.

And yet, I get messages from women who were told that submission requires putting up with sexual oppression by their husbands, from spouses who were sexually assaulted or harassed by church members, from individuals who are struggling to move beyond shame dumped on them as part of Purity Culture, and from couples advised by pastors or Christian counselors that no sex in a marriage isn’t a problem. While the Church has done better in recent years, we have a long, long way to go to get the topic of sex right.

I hate that the Church has messed up so much, because it means we’ve messed up people. And in sinning against them, we have sinned against God (see Psalm 51) and undermined the Gospel. How many have left our fold or not come in at all because we didn’t honor God’s children regarding their sexuality and desire for true intimacy?

How Some Use Sex as a Weapon

God planted in us a deep longing for intimacy, and one way that can be experienced is through sex according to His design. But that longing also makes us vulnerable in a broken world to becoming a predator or a victim. While sexual assault, childhood molestation, and harassment can easily be identified as falling into that paradigm—and dear God, I ache for those who’ve been through that—sex is weaponized in many other contexts as well.

Withholders may avoid sex to punish their spouse for real-but-small or perceived slights or to barter for what they want in other areas of marriage. They may enjoy the control it gives them over the whole marriage to be the gatekeeper of all sexual contact.*

Pursuers may avoid other intimate activities unless they get the sex they want or demand a certain frequency or particular activities as what they’re “owed” by their mate. They may consider a missed sexual encounter a sin against them and hold a grudge against their spouse.

And then, there are those who claim that marital rape isn’t real; that is, that when you say “I Do,” you’re agreeing to any sexual encounter your spouse wants, when they want it, where they want it, how they want it. That attitude weaponizes sex against a fellow child of God who was also given free will.

Worst of all, too many spouses use Scripture to justify their weaponization of sex. As I’ve said before, the Bible is not your bludgeon (3 More Principles Christians Should Affirm About Sex). Please don’t pull a verse out of context, cite it to your spouse, and attempt to use it as a pressure tactic to get what you want. As I noted in that same post:

The Word of God definitely has something to say about what sex should look like, as well as what we owe each other within marriage. But the Bible is God’s love letter to you—not His edict against your spouse. The primary goal of reading Bible passages should be applying them to our own sin-filled lives.

What then does one hope to gain by pulling out scriptures and hurling them at our spouse? Is it our defense mechanism? Are we lashing out to make our spouse feel pain like we’ve felt? Or do we simply expect our spouse to hurt so much they’ll change to avoid more of it? Even if that were to happen, how would that improve your overall intimacy?

Yes, I hate sex being weaponized against others and how much we’ve accepted and even promoted such weaponization.

*Note: There are good reasons for not wanting sex in marriage. You can find more about that in 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex and other posts on my site.

How We Compartmentalize It

I hate how we compartmentalize sex. Both the secular world and the Church have too often treated sex like this side gig we’ve got going on that doesn’t impact the rest of our selves. You can find both pornographers and professing Christians who convey that sex is just a physical act and/or what goes on between consenting adults should have few boundaries. That is not what God created sex to be! Nor is that our experience when you take an honest look at the fallout of that perspective. We instinctively know sex means more.

Christians have also diminished the importance of our sexuality by calling it sin or only preaching about the sin side of sex. Through Church history, many viewed sex as an act of the flesh with the idea that we should be pursuing acts of the Spirit instead (despite that not being what God’s Word teaches). And then, there’s simply our discomfort of bringing God into our sex life; we say we want Him in our life, but not in our bedroom.

One of the points I often make when I’m speaking is that many spiritual aspects of ourselves are expressed through these bodies God gave us. In Matthew 25:31–46, Jesus praises those who feed the hungry, clothe the stranger, or visit the sick or imprisoned. How are those not physical acts that express a godly heart? And Jesus Himself healed through His words and His hands. What the Bible teaches is that we must not be overcome by sinful fleshly desires, but that we must integrate our bodies with pure hearts, renewed minds, and spirit-filled souls.

But we keep compartmentalizing sex and missing out on what God had in mind.

The Sex I Love

Obviously, I don’t hate sex. But I do hate how it’s been misused in so many ways, and I hate the injury that has done to so many hearts and souls. I wish every one of you was experiencing the kind of sex God designed for us to have.

Of course, I don’t think anyone achieves perfection in the sexual arena. No matter how holy and healthy your sexual intimacy with your spouse, we’ll still have challenges because this world is broken. However, many challenges can be overcome, and sex in marriage can thrive. But ONLY if we pursue the one-flesh sex God created.

Let’s hate what our Creator hates and love what He loves.

10 thoughts on “What I Hate About Sex”

  1. I love what you are doing with your ministry.

    I enjoy each of your articles that I have read.

    My wife began insisting that she must be celibate in ’84. We have struggled over this ever since. Many times I have been counseled to divorce her, but I have not, as I do not believe divorce is a godly answer. Yet I do long for a wife to hold, to kiss, etc.

    It is the only topic that we have argued over. Last month was our 43rd anniversary.

    My wife has had five heart attacks, now at 65 years old she has exceeded the life spans of all her known ancestors. We both expect that she will die before I die. Which just leaves me dreaming about my next wife.

    1. Oh, Galen. How heartbreaking! I don’t know she made that decision, but it has obviously caused real heartache for you. And she has missed out as well. May God provide you comfort.

  2. “Withholders may avoid sex to punish their spouse for real-but-small or perceived slights or to barter for what they want in other areas of marriage.”

    I can’t point to a time that either I or my husband has “withheld” in this sense, but I can somewhat empathize with those who find it inappropriate(?) to have sex in the face of ongoing conflict, as this might be enabling to the spouse who sees no reason to talk things out as long as the sex is good (or at least present in some way). I know you’ve addressed the withholding issue many times, and I assume you’re not referring to situations of infidelity or outright abuse (emotional or physical); but where does one draw the line? Have you addressed this in another blog?

    1. Yep, this is why I added a note at the end of that section: “*Note: There are good reasons for not wanting sex in marriage. You can find more about that in 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex and other posts on my site.” My 7 understandable reasons in that post are:

      1. You Don’t Understand Your Sexuality
      2. You’ve Been Hurt by Sex
      3. Your Body Isn’t Responsive
      4. You Don’t Feel Good About Yourself
      5. Your Pleasure Isn’t Prioritized
      6. Your Marriage Is Troubled
      7. Your Theology of Sex Is Incomplete

      Obviously, how to handle each of those is different, and I cover that in the post. Sometimes, the answer is to pursue health, healing, and better understanding for yourself, and sometimes the answer is to avoid sex unless and until you are safe.

      Thanks for the question.

  3. Hi
    I’ve gone so long without sex with my wife of 48 years that I don’t care if I never have it again! Married Christian wife 48 years, NO sex the last 20 and sexless before that.

    Haven’t been intimate since cancer 20 years ago. Double mastectomy and bad varicose veins keep me from her. No touching she says, don’t even look!

    Seems perfectly happy living a celibate life and forcing one on me , too. I entered a Christian marriage with an understanding of God’s view and looked forward to a normal sex life but have been bitterly disappointed. I’m afraid we’ll be judged for this!

    1. Oh, I’m so sorry. Let me add another hate to my list: I hate that your wife felt she couldn’t even show her body anymore. It’s still beautiful. May you find some comfort somehow in the absence of the sex life you two could have / should have had.

    2. My heart breaks for your wife, she must have so much pain, and shame for something that happened to her. I hope she is able to heal. Having no confidence in your looks is a hardship many women have, losing your breasts and developing other conditions that can feel disfiguring. I hope you both can look into resources that can give her confidence and knowledge of her own beauty so that part of her can heal and you both can move forward.

  4. What I hated about sex was that it was physically painful. Probably should have seen a doctor, but I just figured that’s the way it was meant to be, and complaining is somehow declassé.

    Fatalism can be taken too far, I guess. Pride, too.

    So many things were meant to be
    accepted, not complained about,
    and I thought that this kept me free
    from having to protest and shout
    to the the Lord that it’s not right
    (like that widow who assailed the judge).
    It was easier not to fight,
    more dignified than even nudge
    any worthwhile agency
    to take up and plead my cause.
    Yeah, this was my strategy,
    and you can surely see its flaws
    for what they are in light of day,
    with pride foremost, as hell to pay.

    1. Ugh, Andrew. I hate that it ever caused you pain!

      But I do enjoy your poetry. You’re a quite talented poet.

      Be well, my friend.

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