Before we get started, I have an announcement.

Mark your calendar and watch for more info soon. Now to the content!

My book Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design has a chapter on sex positions with this excerpt:

There are only a few main positions, but many variations. Those sixty-four positions in the Kama Sutra, and any others people come up with, are really variations within a few major categories.

I still believe that, but it can help to have a bit more information on how to strike a good pose for your lovemaking, adjust as needed, and increase your mutual pleasure. So let’s talk about sex positions.

And thanks to Christian Friendly Sex Positions for their wonderful site and permission to use their illustrations.

What are the major categories?

There’s no definitive list. But might I suggest these mix-and-match categories?

1. Man on top / Woman on top / Side by side
2. Standing / Sitting / Kneeling / Squatting / Lying down
3. Facing each other / Rear entry / Side angle

Take any sex position, and it will likely fit into these categories. With #2, you’re not necessarily doing the same pose. For instance, he could be kneeling while she lies down, or she could be squatting while he lies down. But you can see how almost everything fits pretty well into these general body poses.

Within those main positions, you can do a lot of shifting, angling, and moving that make a difference in how pleasurable the experience is for both husband and wife.

What are the variations?

As the 18^th century poet William Cowper said, “Variety’s the very spice of life!” I don’t think he was referring to sex, but it certainly applies. Within those main categories, varying what your arms and legs are doing, the visual you get of your spouse’s body, and the angle of entry can all lead to more interesting and satisfying sexual intimacy.

Let’s take a very basic position and see how “spicing it up” can create different and possibly better sensations: The Missionary Position.

Missionary is a lying-down, man-on-top position and what you’re most likely to think of when you first think of sex between man and woman. It’s certainly the one we’ve seen on screen the most, and the one historically approved of by the church. (It was also known as the matrimonial position.)

Before we pan it, let’s note that this “vanilla sex” position is satisfying to many couples. That said, with a few adjustments, we can end up with all kinds of variations, including the Reclining Lotus:

And the Over Easy:

FYI: That red triangle is a Liberator wedge pillow (highly recommend), and no, I did not name these positions.

These variations have the spouses’ hands in the same place, more or less. But other categories allow him or her to add manual stimulation. For instance, the Reverse Cowgirl (access to him):

Or the Dragonfly (access to her):

Full disclosure: I did suggest and name the Dragonfly. (You’re welcome.)

How can you find the best positions?

What’s immensely enjoyable to one wife may not be to another. Same with husbands, of course. Even though we all have the same basic body parts, our sensitivities and desires differ, so what works best for you as a couple should take into consideration:

Your body’s capabilities. This is increasingly an issue for me and my husband, because aging has made some positions more difficult to attain or sustain. Our muscles and joints simply don’t like them anymore.

But you may have other challenges, such as height differences, being plus-sized (see this excellent post from my friend Chris), or chronic pain. Don’t try positions that you can’t do without hurting yourself. You won’t be able to focus on the pleasure you’re feeling when discomfort is competing for your attention.

Your goals for this encounter. One perk of sex within a long-term marriage is experimenting with a variety of encounters. Like is this going to be a long lovemaking session, a quickie, or something in between? Are you focused more on her this time, him this time, or an equal exchange of pleasure? Is this encounter more about feeling connected to one another or having exciting orgasms?

Taking that last question as an example, if you want to feel especially intimate with your spouse, you might choose a face-to-face position where you can look into one another’s eyes and share ongoing kisses. But if you want an explosive climax, you might look for a position that allows deeper penetration or rubbing against her clitoris.

Your experience. After you’ve tried a position, talk about your experience with it. Maybe not right after the sexual encounter but whenever you can calmly revisit how it went. Let your spouse know how it felt and decide together whether that position was a one-off or gets added to the repertoire.*

*Quick note to husbands: Just because she orgasmed doesn’t mean it was a good position for her. I’ve heard from wives whose husbands concluded that, but she in fact didn’t like it because it felt impersonal or for some other reason. Just trust each other’s feedback and go from there.

How do sex positions work in real life?

So you’ve got your new position to try. Do you just strike that pose and then let the thrusting begin? Maybe. But more often, you’ll use more than one variation during a sexual encounter.

Let’s say you start with what my podcast co-host Chris Taylor named Stallion Style (aka “doggy style”):

After a little while at this position, you may decide to change the angle of entry by having him stand beside the bed instead. She shifts as well, perhaps hoping for deeper penetration. And you end up in the Beep Beep position:

If it’s taking a while for climax to arrive, that position might become uncomfortable for her to sustain. So she moves to join her husband in standing, with the Man on Fire position:

Of course, not every encounter is going to have three positions! But you can see that it’s not just a matter of striking a pose. You’re likely in movement during sex and adjusting as needed. It could be small changes, like the wife moving her legs from lying on the bed to wrapped around his torso to pull him closer or the husband going from bending over her to sitting up straight to get a better view of his beloved. Feel free to go with what your bodies are telling you so that you can enjoy your intimate experience together.

Then again, if you’re both feeling lazy but still want to be intimate, you could stick with this one position called Banana Pancakes:

I also suggested and named this position, but I promise that’s the last one! (At least for now. ~wink ~)

Wives and husbands, I encourage you to try something new. It doesn’t have to be a particularly adventurous position. Maybe just a variation of what you’ve already been doing. You might find that better sex positioning helps you experience more satisfying sex.

P.S. If you’re wondering if sex positions are ever mentioned in the Bible, I’m pretty sure the Lover and Beloved were actually doing more than sleeping in this verse…

The post Strike a Pose! (But Don’t Stay There.) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

The above title promises a lot, eh? But the truth is, I can’t make guarantees. A woman’s orgasm is complex, and numerous issues can impact it.

For instance, if she’s dealing with any of the following obstacles, whatever I suggest here may not make a difference:

• Relational conflict
• Sexual trauma in her past
• Sexual pain or discomfort
• Ongoing suppression of her sexuality (often due to poor teaching / modeling)
• Hormonal imbalance

Such issues can be dealt with, but they should be addressed first before adopting some approach or technique to bring a wife to climax.

That said…

Her Climax Matters

You may have read that heading and thought, “Well, yeah.” But studies have recently drawn attention to the orgasm gap between men and women. One 2018 study put it at 95% to 65%, while a more recent study suggested that lifetime orgasm rates ranged from 70% to 85% for men and 46% to 58% for women.” Regardless, that’s a 24–30% difference between men and women reaching the pinnacle of pleasure.

Not great, Bob.

Yet most husbands I’ve encountered really want their wives to enjoy the sexual experience, including a beautiful climax. And most wives want to get to “I’ll have what she’s having” too.

But it’s not always a simple A-to-B trip to get a wife to climax. You may need a more detailed roadmap to get there. If you want that, read on.

Check Conditions

Before you even get to the bedroom, the likelihood of a woman reaching orgasm is influenced by many factors. Whether she’s the lower or higher desire wife, a wife’s arousal and pleasure depend on such things as:

How safe she feels in the bedroom. Does she feel objectified or valued? Is her husband using pornography or saving his sexual attention for her? Has she healed from past trauma, or does she need more intervention? Does she feel seen as a whole person or mostly as a means to an end?

How well she is physically. Is she experiencing headaches or joint pain? Is she dealing with an injury? Does she have a chronic illness that flares up from time to time? Is she having menstrual cramps or backache?

How depleted she is in her life. Is she exhausted all the time? Does she have sufficient help or support with work, childcare, and other issues? Is she struggling with hormonal issues? Have anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions taken their toll?

How connected your relationship is. Does she still feel wooed and/or pursued by her husband? Is there genuine friendship underlying the marriage? Has there been a focus on romance, flirtation, and other forms of intimacy?

How in tune she is to her body. Is she comfortable, or at least willing, to think about her erogenous zones / genitalia? Does she appreciate her five senses? Does she believe her body is good as God made it, including her sexuality?

Some of those, a husband can definitely impact. While others may be left to the woman herself to figure out. Though a good husband might be able to point his wife to quality resources to help her in her journey.

Step by Step

Assuming conditions are good, what gets a woman to orgasm? Let’s break it down.

Tease now, please later.

Set the stage, guys. You should create an atmosphere of anticipation. That involves teasing what’s coming later with romantic words and actions.

Now if you do these things solely with the intention of getting sex, a smart woman will sniff that out and snuff it out. Rather, cherish those moments whether they pay off tonight or two weeks from now.

Some options:

• Send her texts expressing your appreciation, desire, or love for her.
• Plan a date night for the two of you. (Dads, book the babysitter too.)
• Buy her that flower bouquet at the grocery store, or if your wife is like me, skip the flowers and choose something else that demonstrates you were thinking of her.

Make sure you have enough time.

Plenty of men can achieve erection quickly, and after that, the average time during intercourse for a man to climax is 5 to 7 minutes. So for many husbands, 10-15 minutes can get it done.

Not so for many wives. One study showed that the average length of foreplay women experienced was 11 minutes, while they really wanted 19 minutes to get really warmed up. And the average time to reach orgasm after intercourse begins is 14 minutes. That is, if she can even get to climax that way. Sixty to 70% of women require additional stimulation, through a hand, mouth, or marital aid, to get to orgasm. But all in all, the event requires a half hour or more.

But hey, that’s okay. Because that study showing wives want 19 minutes of foreplay also showed that husbands want 18 minutes. And they want intercourse to go longer, when possible.

Clear some calendar time so you can savor the lovemaking experience.

Undress for success.

Sometimes, it’s great to just show up naked, ready to romp! But it can also be very sensual to undress your wife or help her out of whatever she’s wearing.

Here’s a good progression to consider:

• Stand back, gaze at your wife, and compliment her beauty.
• Take her hand(s) and close some of the gap between you.
• Work your way from her hand(s) up her arm/sleeve, find the place where her clothing meets skin, and spend some time touching her with your fingers just under the hem.
• Move to another place where her clothing meets her skin (neckline, bottom of her shirt, etc.) and tease there as well.
• Kiss her along the lines of her clothing with slow, soft-lipped caresses. You can also gently use your tongue to trace that area.
• Remove her first piece of clothing. If she has fasteners (buttons, zipper, etc.), slowly open those. If it’s a matter of simply taking off the piece, remove it by inches, touching and kissing her as you do.
• With each item removed, take a moment to breathe, gaze, and appreciate. Let her know that you love her body, just as it is.
• If she wishes to undress you as well, enjoy!

Explore with curiosity.

Think you know all about your wife? Think again. No matter how long you’ve been married, you have more to learn. Not only because we humans are complex, but because your wife’s mind, heart, and body change every few years.

As a woman in her mid-50s, I can say without reservation that what turns me on now isn’t what turned me on 20 or 30 years ago. It’s not a massive difference, but it’s enough that my husband needs to alter his technique to keep hitting the mark. Thankfully, he remains a student of my sexuality (as I do of his, by the way).

Also, what feels good at one time during a woman’s cycle may not feel as good during another part of her cycle. Yeah, I know—we’re complicated. Thus, the need for curiosity!

Imagine you need to memorize your wife’s body and explore with your eyes, hands, and mouth. Since the more sensitive parts of our bodies are on our heads and torso, a good rule of thumb is to move outward in.

Some wives enjoy a foot rub followed by touch and mouth moving up their legs, while other wives would like attention to their hands, arms, and shoulders before moving on. Still others would appreciate having their hair brushed (really!) or their scalp massaged to help them relax before moving into foreplay.

Speaking of which…

Amp up the arousal.

It took us a while to get to the goodies, right? But we’re finally here, where you can engage with the truly erogenous areas of her body. What are those erogenous zones?

A study of 793 men and women—who were in college, but the information is still useful as a starting point—had participants rank how “hot” a spot was on the body (1 to 10 scale). From warm to hottest, here’s how females ranked their erogenous zones:

• Lower back (4.73)
• Ears (5.06)
• Back of neck (6.20)
• Inner thigh (6.70)
• Nipples (7.35)
• Breasts (7.35)
• Nape of neck (7.51)
• Mouth/lips (7.91)
• Vagina (8.40)
• Clitoris (9.17)

Don’t start at the genitals, guys! Maybe start with a lower (and upper) back massage, along with kisses along her ears and neck. Or work your way up to her inner thigh, skip the vagina and clitoris for a bit, and tend to her breasts for a while.

You could also pay attention to that nape of her neck, her breasts and nipples, and/or her mouth and lips. In fact, deep kissing is one of three major moves correlated with women orgasming (see These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm).

And if your wife doesn’t know what she likes or wants, check out my How To posts and/or listen to our Sex Tips podcast episodes for ideas to try.

Whatever actions you take, you want to turn her on elsewhere so that by the time you touch her vulva (the word for a woman’s external genitalia), she’s ready and even aching for it.

By the way, some wives report that they’re feeling that buildup of pleasure, wanting their husband to keep doing what he’s doing that’s hitting that special spot, and then he changes tactics, and she loses momentum. If your wife says, “Keep going” or “Ooh yes, that,” take her literally and keep doing that thing. If she wants something different, she can let you know.

Remember that 19 minutes women wanted for foreplay? Expect to spend 10–15 minutes on this part. But hey, y’all wanted that time too, right? And hopefully, she’ll be touching you as well on your favorite places!

It’s all about the clitoris.

All orgasms involve the clitoris. Now the part of the clitoris you’re most aware of is likely the glans, or head, which sticks out well above the vagina and swells when aroused. Direct stimulation of that knobby part often helps a woman reach orgasm.

But the clitoris is a wishbone-shaped organ that extends on either side of the vaginal opening, and indirect stimulation can also provide pleasure and help a woman come to climax. Indeed, while the vagina itself is sensitive, some of the good feelings from being touched there (with his hand, mouth, penis, or toy) come from pressure on the wishbone arms of the clitoris.

Some wives prefer direct stimulation of that clitoral head that peeks out, while others prefer indirect stimulation. And what she wants may change during the course of a sexual encounter. While it’s all about the clitoris, how to stimulate her clitoris well is up to your wife.

By the way, contact with the clitoral head is not arousing, and may even be irritating, early on in the process or when insufficiently lubricated. So make sure she’s not dry down there but rather has ample moisture—either natural or added lubricant.

Pleasure is the point.

If you aim for orgasm, you may well miss it. Both of you.

In my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous, I advise wives that: “Orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sex as much as you possibly can.”

Both husbands and wives can get in their heads too much, seeking that elusive climax, when the real goals should be intimacy and pleasure.

Husbands, don’t worry about getting her to that Big O. Rather, think about what you can do to increase your wife’s enjoyment. By the way, the brilliant Chris Taylor and I did a webinar on that very topic HERE (at $10, you’ll definitely get your money’s worth). Don’t aim for your wife’s orgasm as much as her moment of abandon—that moment when pleasure overtakes her senses and she feels deeply connected to you.

What Is an Orgasm?

How can you know whether your wife experienced an orgasm?

Let’s face it: About half of women have faked orgasms. I have! Not with my husband, but with lovers in my premarital promiscuous past, and I’d bet a Benjamin (aka $100) that none of those guys knew at the time. But one perk of having years of experience with the same partner is feeling things at a more intimate level. Did she just make some noises, or did you feel her vaginal walls contract?

That’s technically what an orgasm is—muscle contractions in the sexual organs. It’s usually accompanied by intense pleasure, but you and she can know it’s happened if her pelvic region spasms. To help wives recognize the feeling, Christian sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner have described it as a “pelvic sneeze”—a moment of release after a buildup of tension.

A husband may feel such contractions on his penis or fingers (if inserted into her vagina), notice it happening when nearby (e.g., manual stimulation or oral sex), or recognize it when his wife reacts with moans, gasps, screams, etc. (Women vary in how they vocalize orgasm, but most women make sound.)

The wife having the orgasm may not follow the typical “it’s like fireworks!” explanation. Orgasms can be explosive, but they can also be experienced as deep satisfaction or lighthearted joy. They can empty a woman’s mind or fill her heart. They can feel life-changing or simply good.

Orgasm doesn’t need to be one specific thing. It’s a sweet payoff for her—and you—however she experiences it.

Finish Well

Achieving orgasm isn’t the end of the lovemaking experience, for you or for her. For one thing, some wives may want more. That’s one of the perks of being a woman! We can experience a longer climax or sequential orgasms. But let your wife be the one to decide. At some point, an orgasm or orgasms can feel overwhelming or even uncomfortable.

But if you’re really done, take time for a bit of afterglow. Express appreciation through words of affirmation or affection. Embrace for a few minutes. Clean up together. Take time to pray and thank God for the gift of sex you both enjoyed.

What happens at the end of sex often sets the stage for the next encounter. Because it demonstrates how you feel about the value of intimacy with your wife.

What If She Just … Doesn’t?

Sometimes you can do everything near perfect, and a wife still doesn’t reach climax. It’s not your fault or hers. Bodies sometimes don’t cooperate. (Men of a certain age recognize that truth as well.)

If she wants to keep trying, go for it. Assuming your penis is done for the time being, use your finger(s), mouth, or a vibrator to help her get there. Alternatively, she can stimulate herself while you pleasure her elsewhere with kissing, caressing her breasts, etc.

But if your wife doesn’t want to keep trying, let it go this time. Reassure her that you enjoyed being close and giving her pleasure. Comfort her if she’s feeling disappointed or frustrated. If she wanted to orgasm but couldn’t, she may also blame herself; be sensitive to her feelings and remind her that bodies simply don’t cooperate sometimes and y’all can try again at a future sexual encounter.

You may want to do some things differently next time, but right after sex isn’t the best time for that conversation. Approach that subject later on to see if she has any tips you can incorporate into your next lovemaking session.

If she continues to struggle for a long time, encourage her to see her healthcare provider and/or seek out a counselor to help her process what’s going on. Offer to go with her, but don’t push. She may want to check things out herself first before inviting you into that vulnerable space.

___

That was a lot of info. Don’t worry, you won’t be tested on it. At least not by me. (I can’t speak for your wife! ~grin~) And you needn’t check these notes as you’re engaging in lovemaking. My intention, rather, is to give husbands ideas of how to help their wives reach orgasm.

As always, check these ideas with your wife. She may like some of them better than others. Try out one or two tips one time and other tips another time. Incorporate more as you go. Test and refine. And remain a student of your spouse so that you can adapt to changing desires and bodies.

But do prioritize your wife’s enjoyment in the bedroom. God’s design for sex is mutually desired and satisfying sexual intimacy. In other words, sex is for both of you—including a climax.

Sources Consulted:

•  Frederick, D. A., John, H. K. S., Garcia, J. R., & Lloyd, E. A. (2018). Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample. Archives of sexual behavior, 47(1), 273–288. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z
• Amanda N Gesselman, Margaret Bennett-Brown, Simon Dubé, Ellen M Kaufman, Jessica T Campbell, Justin R Garcia, The lifelong orgasm gap: exploring age’s impact on orgasm rates, Sexual Medicine, Volume 12, Issue 3, June 2024, qfae042, https://doi.org/10.1093/sexmed/qfae042
• Miller, S. A., & Byers, E. S. (2004). Actual and desired duration of foreplay and intercourse: Discordance and misperceptions within heterosexual couples. The Journal of Sex Research, 41(3), 301–309. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490409552237
• How Long People Want Sex To Last Versus How Long Sex Actually Lasts – Sex and Psychology
• How long should the ideal sexual intercourse last, according to researchers? | scienceillustrated.com
• How Long Does It Take Women to Climax During Intercourse? | Psychology Today
• Women’s Orgasm Takes Longer During Partnered Sex – ISSM
• How long does it take a woman to reach orgasm? – ISSM
• SMSNA – How Long Does It Take the Average Man to Ejaculate?
• Penner, Clifford, and Joyce Penner. Restoring the pleasure: Complete step-by-step programs to help couples overcome the most common sexual barriers. Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group, an imprint of Thomas Nelson, 2016.

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Most spouses have something they’d love to do with their beloved, if time, place, and happenstance permitted. It could be something as tame as “sex by the fireplace” or something as wild as “multiple orgasms on a mountaintop.” But whatever’s on your fantasy to-do list, have you talked to your mate about it?

Here are a few tips for putting together a Sexy Bucket List with your oh-so-sexy spouse.

1. Don’t Chase the High

A Sexy Bucket List isn’t about chasing the next high. We can get too caught up in believing that a successful sex life involves ever-increasing pleasure or adventurous activities that demonstrate an openness to erotic excitement. But a satisfying sex life actually comes from intimacy with your spouse; that is, the “one flesh” experience God designed for marriage.

So why have a bucket list at all? Well, we know from both research and personal experience that participating in novel activities together can spark the flames of attraction and connection. Pursuing a new sexual experience can ignite fresh passion.

As long as the goal is long-term intimacy, rather than a short-lived high, putting together a Sexy Bucket List together can foster a couple’s sense of we-ness. Not to mention, it gives you memories to savor for years to come.

2. Talk About Your Limits

Nothing on your Sexy Bucket List should be outside your spouse’s boundaries. Even if something sounds great to you, if your spouse doesn’t want to do it, you need to leave it off. Pursuing that item will not increase pleasure and intimacy in marriage; rather, it will be (rightly) viewed as selfishness and pressure.

In time, your spouse might change his/her mind and become open to the idea. But maybe not. They may always think that Project X that you’d like to try is a no-go. And you should respect that.

The good news is that for most couples, there’s still a lot of ideas you can give a shot. Talk about what activities get your hard no, your sounds interesting, and your why not? You could even come up with your own potential lists, trade them with your spouse, and then assign each idea a color:

• RED = Stop, it’s not happening.
• YELLOW = Maybe, but I’m a little unsure or cautious about it.
• GREEN = Zoom, baby, let’s go!

From there, you have a workable way forward that honors your spouse’s personal boundaries.

3. Think Small, Medium, and Big

When I turned 40 years old, I made a general bucket list and titled it “40 After 40,” with forty things to accomplish in the second half of my life. I’ve done 21 of them and have a couple of others near completion. Part of why I’m on track to make it through my list is because I varied the activities, so that some didn’t take too much effort to do (e.g., sing karaoke), others required more effort (e.g., go on a cruise), while others are Go Big or Go Home (e.g., live in Europe).

Do the same with your Sexy Bucket List! Include activities that can be easily achieved (e.g., a new sex position), ones that require more effort (e.g., make love in a tent), and a few stretch goals (e.g., have sex in every state/province). Try to balance the list that you can see some progress, but also have plenty to do in the future.

And you might be surprised that the small and medium goals don’t all end up getting crossed off first. That’s what’s happened with my own list! Sure, it’s no surprise I haven’t been to the Holy Land yet, but you’d think by age 56, I might have ridden in a limousine once. Likewise, you might find that the variation of ideas keeps you going for a while.

4. Brainstorm the Initial List

The first three tips were kinda “rules of the road.” But now, it’s time to get going with this list. You can start by coming up with ideas together or by coming up with ideas on your own, then sharing first drafts. You could also do a combination of both—by making individual lists, trade and crossing off no-gos, then compiling those into a single list and adding any other ideas you come up with together. Whatever you do, just make sure you’re both on board with the process.

Be sure to brainstorm in ways that work for each of you. For instance, I think in words, while my husband thinks in images. So if we came up with individual lists, mine might be a neat list of activities that included explanations; while his might be a mixture of words, images, or even mind-mapping with categories and offshoots. Of course, you should be careful about what images you use (generally speaking, please draw rather than download), but let your spouse’s imagination run in the way it best goes.

5. Review the List

How’s that Sexy Bucket List looking? Does it have enough small goals, medium goals, and large goals? Does it include anything you’re against doing? Is anything on your list not good for others? (One example would be having sex in public, which might sound exciting but isn’t fair to those who might come upon you.) Does cost prohibit too many of the items? And do the activities offer opportunities to increase your marital intimacy not merely through novelty, but also mutual pleasure and connection?

Take some time to edit the list and make sure it represents your overall goal of God-honoring, mutually desired and satisfying sexual intimacy with your spouse. If you’re on the fence about an item, you can cross it off or add a question mark beside it with the plan of revisiting it later.

Your list may end up with 10 items, 20 items, or 50 items—it’s up to you. But massage that list into something you’re both excited about!

6. Set Up a Plan

Having a list doesn’t mean you actually accomplish it. Just ask any wife who’s given her husband a Honey Do list. (Kidding! I kid!) But it is reasonable to talk about how you will go about crossing off items on your Sexy Bucket List.

Will you visit the list regularly or only when you’re feeling a desire to spice things up? Will you set a timetable for getting things done or let it unfold as life allows? Are there items you need to purchase to make some items happen (e.g., a bedroom game or marital aid)? Will you take turns initiating bucket list items or coordinate with one another?

The plan doesn’t have to be detailed. Just discuss where you go from here—that is, how you’ll use the Sexy Bucket List in your intimate life together.

7. Put It into Practice

This is the fun part, right? You’ve got a Sexy Bucket List, and it’s time to cross things off!

There’s not much else to say here, because knocking off your sexy to-dos is a private affair. Have at it, and enjoy.

8. Assess Your Success

How did it go? You may find that some ideas you thought would be marvelous weren’t so much. While others you didn’t as high hopes for were WOW. And a few others didn’t work at all—to the point that you now have a story of “that one time we tried…” that will make you laugh for many years to come.

But assessing how it went can help you decide what to add to your marital intimacy repertoire, what counts as a fun once-in-a-lifetime event, and what you never ever want to try again. It can also help you with the next tip, which is…

9. Revisit & Revise Your List

You didn’t etch this Sexy Bucket List in stone. It can be changed. As you learn more, hear about new ideas, or change in terms of what you can and can’t do, adjust your list to reflect what you want to try. Years ago, Spock and I made a list of sexual positions to try. If we returned to that list, I guarantee we’d cross several off because our aging bodies don’t bend the way they used to.

But it’s just as likely that you could add something you didn’t think you could do before. Perhaps you come into some money so that “buy sex furniture” is now a reasonable goal or your kids grow up and leave and “make love in the kitchen” can actually happen.

Let your Sexy Bucket List be a framework, not a blueprint. It’s your list after all, meaning it doesn’t control you, you control it.

50 Sexy Bucket List Ideas (Printable!)

Want more help coming up with a Sexy Bucket list? Below are 50 ideas!

NOTE: Links will not automatically open in a new tab (Adobe PDF coding issue), so to open a link rather than move away from this page, hover over the link, right-click on your mouse, and choose “Open link in a new tab” from the menu.

Or just scroll to the bottom, download the PDF, and clicking the link from the saved document should open your browser and the tab.

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One of the questions I receive most is from wives asking how to achieve orgasm. That’s understandable, since a really great orgasm is one of the few things that lives up to its billing.

I have a full chapter on orgasm in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, and that remains my best advice on how to get there. But although I incorporated the following information into what I said based on personal experience and hearsay, I didn’t have the study I want to share about what researchers call the “Golden Trio.”

It starts with 52,000 participants in an online survey, which is obviously a huge sample. Admittedly, it’s not a perfect sample, because this survey was hosted on the NBC News website, so there was self-selection in who participated. Still, given that number, there should be some interesting insights.

Among the many questions about sex that they asked, they queried about orgasm. And while 95% of heterosexual men reported usually or always reaching orgasm during sexually intimate encounters, only 65% of heterosexual women reported the same. That’s a good-sized gap of 30%.

Now one question that I don’t believe was there was whether there was a concerted effort to reach orgasm and the woman was unable to do so. Because, for reasons that men sometimes don’t understand, some wives don’t always feel the need to orgasm (see Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm).

However, it’s pretty clear based on God’s design for sex — our sexual responsiveness, our physiology (thank You for that clitoris!), and the importance of mutual pleasure in the marriage bed — that wives should be achieving orgasm regularly in their lovemaking. Meaning that 30% gap is way too big.

How do you close that gap?

Researchers found that vaginal penetration alone (as I and others have said) is not likely to get most women to climax. A PIV orgasm can be great, but it often follows on the heels of an orgasm achieved in a different way. Specifically, according to this study, through the combination of three actions — that is, the “golden trio.”

1. Genital Stimulation

In basic terms, stimulation of the clitoris is what brings a wife to climax. Since vaginal penetration is indirect stimulation of the clitoris, it’s more difficult to get the right angle, pressure, and intensity to bring her to the peak.

More effective is hubby taking his hand and touching the clitoral hood directly. Remember that hood is just the part of the clitoris that protrudes from the body, while more of the clitoris can be aroused by massage of the vulva. Regardless, make sure there’s sufficient lubrication, find the touching that she likes, and directly touch her in that sensitive spot.

2. Deep Kissing

Are you surprised to see that one? I’m not. But I do think we overlook this important activity after we get married and in the midst of making love. All the other bits seem so fun and sexy and only-in-marriage that we forget how fabulous kissing can be. It’s why I wrote You’re Not Kissing Enough.

But this was reported by women in the study as so significant to reaching orgasm that it got equal time with genital contact. Actually, long before that, in the one book of the Bible devoted to marital, sexual intimacy, God shared this wisdom. Song of Songs opens with this line: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine” (1:2).

Are you spending enough time delighting in your spouse’s better-than-wine lips? Maybe you should spend more.

3. Oral Sex

That’s oral sex for her, by the way. It’s the same principle as genital stimulation above, in that hubby can directly stimulate the clitoris, helping her to edge up the slope to orgasm and reach that peak with a cry of victory. Why is oral sex (aka cunnilingus) so helpful in this regard? Well, she’s getting lubrication with his mouth, he can cover a larger area with his mouth and tongue, and the tongue can do more delicate things than a man’s finger. It’s a pretty cool pleasure tool.

There are yet some wives who are reluctant to give this activity a green flag, and some husbands who hesitate as well, but oral sex really is a good way for many wives to finally achieve orgasm. Whatever mental barriers you have to this practice, I’ve answered a lot of those in my blog and my book. And let me direct you to this verse from Song of Songs: “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16b).

That said, pressuring your wife to have oral sex can shut down any possibility of orgasm, if she’s not open to it. No particualr sexual activity should be a must in a mutually respectful marriage!

By the way, all three of these actions get their own treatment in my book too — a whole chapter each on kissing and oral sex, and a section in the hands-on chapter about manual play for her (genital stimulation, that is).

What else helps a woman reach orgasm? The survey concluded something else interesting: Women who played music, changed sexual positions, or exchanged I love yous during their last sexual encounter were about 20% more likely to report usually or always orgasming. Atmosphere and adaptability matter too.

Also, women who orgasm more frequently tended to have a longer duration of sex and higher relationship satisfaction. Smaller but significant factors that also influenced orgasm were asking for particular behaviors in bed and flirting with your partner throughout the day.

Good gravy, it’s almost like they’ve been reading my blog and my book.

Seriously, though, if you’re pre-orgasmic (haven’t gotten there yet), want to have more orgasms, or just want to give this “golden trio” a go, why not try genital stimulation, deep kissing, and oral sex with your next lovemaking encounter? Of course, you can have intercourse too. In fact, many wives who experience this level of pleasure will desire intercourse even more after hitting that high note.

They say that good things come in threes. Maybe “this golden trio” will bring a very good thing to your sexual intimacy.

Sources: The Guardian – ‘Golden trio’ of moves boosts chances of female orgasm, say researchers; Archives of Sexual Behavior – Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample

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I’ve written and talked a lot about what a wife can do to make sexual intimacy better in her marriage, including ways to reframe what sex means for her, to get in the mood, and to initiate well. But today, I’m homing in on what she can do during sex to ensure things go smoothly and receive the pleasure and intimacy she desires.

While “sex” can be broadly defined, in this post, I’m addressing the experience of foreplay, arousal, and then—at some point—intercourse.

1. Seek the Foreplay You Want

Kissing. Undressing. Caressing. More kissing. Breast stimulation. Manual play. Oral sex. Whatever gets your motor humming, ask for it. (Caveat: whatever item you request should already be on your mutually decided menu.) Let your husband know what you want, why you like it, and when you’re ready to move on.

I simply hear from far too many wives who want more foreplay before intercourse and don’t feel comfortable asking for it. Or they have asked for it, and it feels like he doesn’t listen because you told him that one time and he changed for the next two lovemaking encounters, but now he’s gone back to his old ways, and why doesn’t he enjoy foreplay as much as you do, and… Except all of us tend to need multiple reminders before we change ingrained habits. So gently prompt your husband again about your need and desire for sufficient, and passionate, foreplay.

2. Share Your Body

Speaking of your arousal, it’s not helpful to suggest he get your engine revving but not give him full access under the hood, so to speak. Deep sexual intimacy requires vulnerability, and that means giving your husband access to see and touch your body. If you’re not ready for the bright-lights reveal, try low lighting with a lamp, maybe even a colored lightbulb, candles, or string lights.

But also get naked. Let him touch where you like to be touched. Open up your legs (no dime between the knees anymore, wives! ~grin~). Share your body with your beloved. (See Tips for Confidently Baring It All for Your Hubby.)

Need more inspiration? Go re-read Song of Songs 4:1-7 and 7:1-9.

3. Explore His Body

You’re not the only one with interesting parts. Your husband’s masculine body is worth exploring, from his strong jaw to his stiff penis, and all in between. Take time to stroke his body and ask him what feels good. Tend to those places you like most and those places he loves you touching.

You may already be comfortable touching places outside his genitalia. But also, get comfortable with his penis. Learn how to handle his testicles (hint: gently, gently). Massage the perineum—the stretch of skin between his scrotum and anus—which may feel good for his prostate.

You don’t need to do all of this on Day One but start exploring and you may find fresh appreciation for this man you married. And for inspiration on this front, check out Song of Songs 5:10-16.

4. Focus on Arousal

His, yours, both…yes. But concentrate on your senses, so that you are aware of what’s happening, what feels good, and how your mind and body are reacting. If you get distracted, just let the distraction pass and then back into focus on the lovemaking. (See Mindfulness & Meditation During Sex.)

Breathe deep. Relax. Enjoy the sensations. Savor the pleasure.

5. Get into Position

Hopefully, you two have talked about sex positions before you arrive in the bedroom for a sexual encounter that requires you choosing one. But among your options, you should communicate which one(s) you want to try today. And then get into that position and adjust until you’re ready to try intercourse.

6. Check Your Body’s Responsiveness

Before he enters, check to see if your body really is ready for it. Yes, that means touch down there. This is increasingly important from perimenopause forward, as our estrogen decreases and our bodies can become less cooperative with swelling and lubrication.

A wife may think that she’s fully aroused and rarin’ to go, but then discover that her labia have not swollen sufficiently and/or lubrication is insufficient for penetration to feel good. Your inner vaginal lips should swell to 2–3 times their regular size, and things should be pretty slippery down there. You or your husband may want to use a finger or two to draw some of your natural lube from the vaginal interior (just a bit into the opening) and spread it on the exterior vulva.

If you’re not ready, engage in more foreplay and/or add personal lubricant to prepare yourself better for entry. It won’t feel good if you’re not ready, so take the time to make sure you are.

7. Guide Him In

While intercourse seems fairly straightforward with Tab A going into Slot B, a lot of positions don’t allow either of you to really see how penetration is happening. And it’s important for your husband to come in at the proper entry point and angle. So why not guide him in?

You can move the head of his penis to where it would be best for him to enter, and/or you can reach down and spread your vaginal opening out a bit so that the entry point is easier for him to find. If things feel slightly off, use your words and/or hands to adjust so that the moment his penis penetrates your vagina, it’s not a poke-and-prod experience but rather a satisfying feeling of being joined and filled.

8. Fine-tune Your Position

Once he’s inside, you may want to modify your body’s position to make sure his thrusting hits your good spots. Tilt your hips forward or backward to change the angle and/or add friction from the base of his penis to your clitoral bulb. Lift or cross your legs to get new sensations or change tightness. Grab pillows—especially a wedge pillow—and place under your bum or hips (depending on your position) to lift yourself toward him or remove some of your muscle tension.

Of course, if the general position you’re in isn’t working for you, suggest another one! You can always change sex positions midstream. Feel free to experiment and see what feels good for both of you.

9. Participate Fully

Given that you’re in the throes of lovemaking, you might think: How much more fully can a wife participate?! But let’s face it—most ladies can multitask even during sex. We can enjoy what’s happening, yet also wonder:

• How do I look? Does he notice my extra pounds? Is my facial expression all twisted up?
• I wish he’d thrust a little harder. Should I tell him that? Or will that sound weird?
• Oh my goodness, I just grunted. Not very ladylike.
• What’s my husband thinking? Is he just into the physical side, or does he really feel connected to me right now?
• Will I reach orgasm this time? I hate when I’m almost there but can’t get over the hump.

You may need to practice focus and re-focus during sexual intimacy. (See #4 above!) But one way to help it is to give yourself full permission and encouragement to just BE who you are in the moment.

Forget what you look like. Make noise. Grab his bum, squeeze, and draw him in deeper. Ask for what you want; one-word directions can work especially well (e.g., “harder,” “softer,” “faster,” “slower”). Put his hands or mouth where you want them. Make direct eye contact. Say his name.

While you may feel self-conscious doing such things at first, it’s actually pretty arousing to your mate for you to be super into it. There’s even research showing that her making noise helps him climax. But expressing yourself also keeps your attention there and helps you enjoy it more.

10. Engage in Afterglow

What happens after sex can add to or detract from what happened during sex. If you finish and say, “Well, that’s that,” get up and use the bathroom, then go on your way, what impression have you left your spouse? Conversely, if you finish and say, “I love you,” then pull your beloved close, and remain entangled for a few minutes, what impression have you left? Clearly, the second option speaks love in a way the former does not.

That’s not to say that your afterglow needs to look like I’ve described. You may embrace for a while after sex, sit up and have a conversation, watch a show together to spend more time snuggling, be playful with jokes and flirting, shower together, or fill-in-the-blank. But taking a few minutes to extend the closeness you felt during sex can make a difference for how you feel about the physical intimacy itself.

There you go: 10 things you can do, wife, to help sex go well. Believe me, I’m rooting for you! And may you and your husband experience the one-flesh intimacy God intends for you to have.

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

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