In recent years, I’ve heard a lot of discussion around emotional triggers. An emotional trigger is an event, condition, or sensory experience that evokes a negative reaction. Knowing one’s triggers can be important for treatment of and recovery from trauma, addiction or compulsive behaviors, and anxiety or depression. But the truth is, we all have triggers.

We may not use that terminology, and the oft-used synonym “stressors” might be more relatable. But think about your own marriage and when you had that unexpected blow-up, that emotional shutdown, or that pity party for one. Most readers can think of at least one. What made it happen? Was it solely what your spouse did, or were there other factors that triggered your response?

Some Common Triggers

Rehabilitation programs and 12-step meetings often use an acronym for four main stressors an addict needs to watch for: HALT. That stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. Each of those states—two physical, two emotional—can trigger a craving for the addictive substance or compulsive behavior.

Odds are the last time you felt a loss of emotional or behavioral control, those or other factors were present. There’s a reason why “hangry” is now in the dictionary, and this is a popular meme online:

We see this with our children too. Tantrums happen far more often when a child is hungry or exhausted. Trying to rationalize with a toddler—or a teenager!—who hasn’t had enough sleep can be a challenge at best.

The same thing occurs for us when it comes to marital tension or conflict. Or even being able to accept a “not tonight” answer to your sexual initiation. You may respond with kindness and compassion 95% of the time, but that other 5% of the time, it’s not just the thing between you and your spouse but whatever stressors or triggers bubbling up that caused things to spill over. You find yourself furious with your spouse, in a puddle of tears wondering why s/he doesn’t love you, or falling back into a bad habit or addictive behavior in an effort to cope.

Your Personal Triggers

HALT doesn’t cover all the potential triggers, of course. You may have different ones. Consider the last time you felt out of control and what was happening before or around that time. What was going on with you physically and emotionally? Had other things happened in the week or day that tapped out your emotional resources? Could you have made some different decisions to head off the reaction by addressing your stressors? It’s worth taking stock and identifying your own particular triggers.

Recently, I decided that I was drinking too much wine. I enjoy a glass in early evening or with a meal, but at times I found myself pouring a second glass or a third without thinking it through. I’m taking a 100+-day fast from all alcohol, but as part of my reset, I began to ask myself why. Why was I inclined to drink more than I really wanted to? And I realized that I relate to two of the HALT stressors (angry and lonely), but not the others. A personal inventory revealed that being tense and experiencing pain (I have a pinched nerve right now) also triggered the craving. Being me, I decided to make a list that was alliterative and also added one more, and now I know to be more cautious when I’m feeling:

• Achy
• Alone
• Adrift
• Angry
• Anxious

Your list might overlap mine or be completely different. But take some time to think through what stressors lead to marital conflict, individual overwhelm, or loss of control.

Impact of Triggers on Marriage

In my higher desire wife community, we often encourage one another to accept sexual rejection for what it is, rather than allowing it to color our entire view of the marriage. (Yes, rejection can mean more, but oftentimes, it’s the lower desire spouse’s own issues with sex apart from their love for their mate.) And yet, nearly every wife in that group has had one or more times she just lost it. Perhaps she lashed out at her husband. Or she fell into a pit of despair with only her tears and a pint of ice cream to keep her company. Maybe she was sorely tempted to walk away and/or find someone else “who’ll appreciate me for who I am.” Most of those times, a stressor preceded that moment.

It’s understandable. We’re human! We are complex creatures who, at any given time, are dealing with multiple sensations, stimuli, thoughts, and feelings. When several negative ones come together, it can create a perfect storm that makes our emotions spiral like a tornado. We get caught up in the whirlwind and don’t know how to get out.

Husbands have also reported this feeling, especially when it comes to the temptation of pornography. (To be clear, women also struggle with porn. This is just an example.) Such men may be going along fine for a while, but then stressors hit, and they find themselves turning to porn as a coping mechanism. Their behavior in that moment may feel like something they didn’t consciously choose, but rather fell back into—having been triggered by other stimuli.

But it doesn’t have to be that big an issue. It could be a marital spat that didn’t have to happen, except that one or both of you were overly tired. Or perhaps a conversation that broke down into a stalemate because you were already dealing with too much anxiety about other things.

Whatever it is, and whether it’s simply relational or also sexual, your marriage feels the damaging effects of emotions and behaviors triggered or amplified by other factors.

It’s Not Enough to Avoid Triggers

Knowing your personal triggers can help you:

1. Avoid or manage them better
2. Share your emotional state with your spouse
3. Choose better timing for interactions with your spouse

Avoiding or managing your triggers might mean getting more sleep, making sure you eat according to a schedule, or keeping snacks around. It might mean reaching out for more social connections to address loneliness or getting therapy to deal with anger or feelings of being adrift in life.

But sometimes, no matter how well we plan, stressors come our way. We can’t avoid them entirely. In which case, it’s good to share your emotional state with your spouse. For example, if your husband or wife wants to talk about something when you’re overly tired, let him/her know you’re just too spent for that discussion but you’re eager to have it another time. Name the time, and then follow through! But also make sure you don’t launch that conversation or even sexual initiation when you wouldn’t be able to handle a “not now” with grace. Choose a better time, when both of you are less stressed and more likely to have an effective interaction.

It doesn’t stop there, though. What can you do to release the tension and negativity caused by your triggers? You have to replace poor coping mechanisms with better options.

Regarding my wine-fast, I’m planning to use this time to practice identifying my triggers and then find positive ways to channel that energy. If I’m feeling anxious, I can go for a walk, exercise, listen to music, meditate, read a book, pray, call a friend, or get a massage. I don’t have to simply say, “I’m anxious, but I won’t drink,” and then sit there in all my anxiety fighting the craving. No, I can proactively address my stressors with alternative activities.

So can you! What can you do instead of having an outburst? Turning to porn? Tumbling back into depression? Picking a fight with your spouse? Starting the silent treatment? Drinking too much?

Be willing to get outside help! Many of our negative go-to coping mechanisms can’t be solved on your own. Many resources exist to help you successfully overcome addiction, compulsive behaviors, mood disorders, porn use, and more. Seek out Christian-based sites that can help you navigate your journey to recovery.

Heaven: Always a Good Place to Turn

Regardless of whether you could benefit from outside help or simply need to make some personal changes in your life, you can always turn to God. If you feel like you’re losing control, have that outburst or breakdown in His presence. Let the Psalms guide you on how to cry out to Him and accept His healing. You may or may not feel better immediately, but over time, you’ll definitely feel the impact of His presence.

God already knows your triggers, but He wants to be there to help you address them and discover wholeness that only He can give.

“Come close to God and He will come close to you.” James 4:8a

The post We All Have Emotional Triggers. What Are Yours? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

A couple of weeks ago, I published a Facebook post about the need for individual and couples’ counseling and how churches can and should help.

I got a huge favorable response to that plea. Today, I want to go deeper into this issue.

Why am I making this plea?

As I hear from folks struggling in their marriage, it’s often clear that a spouse or couple should be in therapy with a licensed professional who can address their specific issues. Maybe one of the spouses has an addiction or there has been childhood sexual trauma or abuse. Maybe the couple has fallen into destructive patterns that could be addressed with proper intervention. Maybe there are mental health disorders interfering with relationship interactions. Maybe the couple simply needs a mediator to help reveal underlying issues or teach healthier communication and conflict resolution.

Yet up to half the time I recommend counseling to someone, I hear back that they can’t access this resource. Sometimes, there aren’t options near them, but more often it’s simply that they cannot afford it.

It’s frustrating to see how many people need a resource but cannot get it. What if churches really devoted themselves to providing the help individuals and couples need to thrive?

We need well-informed, godly counsel.

Let’s be honest: the Bible doesn’t say, “Go thou to therapy!” But it conveys that we should go to God for His counsel (e.g., Job 12:13, Psalm 73:24) and also to fellow believers who have wisdom about our situation. In our time, place, and culture, we have resources with wisdom that simply weren’t available to people in the past.

For example, getting a master’s degree in counseling helped me to understand how people make decisions, undergo change, and replace bad habits with better choices, as well as how past wounds affect our perspective. I learned about mental health diagnoses and what approaches might be useful in addressing them. While my foundation has been, and always be, God’s truth as revealed in Scripture, my grad-school training provided additional insight that I have used in my ministry.

Other Christians have different or deeper knowledge and training to address various issues, from lay counselors who walk alongside those in emotional pain to trauma-informed specialists who address sexual abuse, and everything in between. While our faith sets the destination we aim to reach in our lives and relationships, well-informed, personalized help can lay out the path to reach that destination.

Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.

Proverbs 15:22 (NASB)

“You can’t afford not to!”

If we believe that quality Christian counseling can play an important role, why aren’t individuals and couples getting it? A fair number would go but can’t manage it.

Unfortunately, when a spouse says they cannot afford counseling, they often hear retorts such as:

• You can’t afford not to!
• Divorce is more expensive than counseling.
• Isn’t your marriage worth it?

To people who’ve said such things, I wonder if you’ve ever had less than $10 in your bank account. I have. While in college, a meal at Taco Bell for me was two 49¢ tacos and a water because that’s all the money I could spare. I was never poor (had everything I needed), but I was definitely broke.

It’s tone-deaf at best to tell people scrambling to make their next rent payment or put food on the table that they don’t care about their marriage if they won’t find money from somewhere to pay for counseling.

Yes, some couples simply aren’t prioritizing their marriage, but many truthfully cannot afford it. And it’s not reasonable to expect the counselor to provide their time, effort, and expertise for free (“the worker deserves his wages,” Luke 10:7).

Why is counseling so expensive?

A quick aside on the cost of counseling. If many people say they can’t afford counseling, does that mean counselors charge too much? While some make good money, that’s not the primary reason counseling costs what it does. Rather, a counselor must deal with such expenses as:

• Education/training to become a counselor, ranging from a short course (e.g., lay counseling or coaching) to several years for a PhD
• Certification or licensure, which has an upfront cost but may involve annual fees as well
• Continuing education, required for licensure and/or beneficial to stay informed in your field
• Office space and supplies to host therapy sessions
• Insurance, both general and malpractice
• Books and other resources required or desired to provide quality counseling

On top of that, insurance often doesn’t cover personal therapy or does so at such a low level that many counselors simply choose not to accept insurance. (See Why Is Therapy So Expensive? | HuffPost Life.) Plus, you really can’t see 40 clients for 40 hours per week; yet when you’re not seeing a client, you not making money.

For reference, the average salary for a Licensed Professional Counselor in my home state of Texas, according to Salary.com, is $53,650. Meanwhile, the cost of getting my graduate degree from my alma mater (University of Houston) is now over $20,000. And that doesn’t consider any of the other costs outlined above.

Honestly, most therapists are not going into this field to get rich but to help people.

Why should churches help?

Romans 12:13a tells us to “share with the Lord’s people who are in need,” and Acts 2:44-45 says, “All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.” The Church has a specific and direct calling to help those among us who need help.

One Way Churches Could Really Help Marriages: "The Church has a specific and direct calling to help those among us who need help." @hotholyhumorous
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1 John 3:17 puts it this way: “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?”

Are we open-hearted toward those who could use marriage help? Do we, as the Body of Christ, reach out to those in need?

Consider all of the challenges to individuals I mentioned above and apply them to the Church itself:

• You can’t afford not to!

The health of our church in part relies on the health of its families, and we can’t afford to lose them. Moreover, we cannot afford the hypocrisy of saying that God’s love abides in us while neglecting brothers and sisters in need. Faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26).

• Divorce is more expensive than counseling.

Divorce is expensive in the emotional and spiritual cost it exacts. Hearts and homes are broken, and some leave the faith altogether after the pain of a divorce. The cost of helping now can prevent far greater cost in the future (see Luke 14:28-35 NIV).

• Isn’t your marriage worth it?

Aren’t our brothers and sisters, their relationships, and our relationships with them worth it? Doesn’t our marriage to Christ, the bridegroom, call for us to pay that cost? “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

Please understand that the cost of staying in an abusive, high-conflict, and/or unfaithful marriage is often higher than divorce. I’m not saying there’s never good reason to leave, because sometimes there is! (See Are You in an Abusive or Destructive Marriage? and Enough is Enough – Gary Thomas.) In that case, therapy can be a godsend for the spouse who should leave.

How can churches help?

How a church can assist depends on its own resources.

While we hear a lot about megachurches, the average church has 65–75 congregants (although many of those are part of larger congregations). Larger churches can provide counseling, and some have full-service marriage ministries and professional therapists. But for smaller churches, their budgets are stretched tight to cover facility costs, staff salaries, and basic charity and/or mission goals. Asking them to pony up money for professional counseling is like asking College Me to splurge on a soft drink—it’s simply more than they can do.

But let’s look at some ideas so that you can see the wide array of alternatives:

Open and staff a counseling center at the church.

For a larger church, hire licensed professionals as part of the ministry staff. Once a counseling center is established, be sure to regularly inform members about this benefit and how to access its services. Smaller churches could pool their resources to establish a counseling center.

Provide onsite counseling with prorated fees paid through church funds.

Invite a Christian therapist to set up their office in your church facility. That person, or persons, would function as their own business with the church agreeing to pay some portion of their fees. Some churches prorate based on membership, financial need, or both.

Research has established that a client who pays at least something for their therapy tends to be more invested in it. If money is not an option, then the counselee(s) might be able to provide a service to the church as partial payment.

Support a counseling center or practitioner in your area.

Find a trusted resource in your community and set up a mutually beneficial arrangement where you help pay for therapy while the counselor prioritizes your members.

Invite local counselors in for seminars and/or classes.

Host a qualified therapist for a seminar or series of classes. Both couples who need therapy and those who currently don’t can benefit from learning communication tools, attachment styles, conflict-resolution skills, and yes, common sexual problems and treatments.

Help members obtain counseling education.

What Jesus said about spreading the Good News could be said about investing in holy and healthy marriages: “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field” (Luke 10:2).

We could use more devoted Christians with quality training to assist individuals and couples. But it’s not cheap to get the training and credentials required to become a licensed counselor. If a church can provide some scholarship money to defer a member’s cost, that might be a great way to bring in a good resource in the future. (Check with a financial advisor on how to do this properly).

Maintain a list of recommended resources.

Keep a list of recommended mental health, crisis, and marriage therapy resources that members can access. Let congregants know it’s there and remind them regularly. That person who didn’t hear the first 13 times because they didn’t think the list applied to them may now need to know, so say it another time.

Not all counseling is created equal! Which is why I often use the phrase quality counseling, not just counseling. See Have You Received Bad Marriage Counseling? and/or The Experts Who Are Damaging Your Sexual Intimacy. And for a list of the types of counseling one can receive, see this Facebook post on my Hot, Holy & Humorous page.

Let’s do what we can.

Do we want marriages to make it? Then we have to help them make it. “Marriage should be honored by all…” (Hebrews 13:4).

And for those in marriages that shouldn’t make it (due to ongoing abuse or other intransigent problems), we should help spouses transition out of their terrible situation. “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble” (Psalm 9:9).

Let’s approach our church leaders, talk about the need for counseling that is both professional and Christian, and propose solutions to support our brothers and sisters in need.

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise.

Proverbs 12:15 (NKJV)

The post One Way Churches Could Really Help Marriages appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

When we share our personal stories, we remind one another that that we’re not alone, that this life is a challenge, and that there is comfort and hope. So today, I’m getting pretty raw and sharing where my heart and mind have been lately.

It’s been a long two years.

On December 22 of this year, we drove my younger adult son to the hospital for surgery on his broken collarbone, an injury from a motorcycle accident he was involved in earlier this month. He is fine, thanks in huge part to the full protective gear he was wearing, but my stress level was off the charts that day.

Even so, that didn’t begin to compare to my stress level two years earlier on December 22, 2019, when an event happened that I alluded to a couple of times on my blog. It’s still something that I shouldn’t share widely—not wholly my story to tell—but suffice it to say that some family-of-origin information came to light that shattered some previous assumptions.

Thus began two really hard years that I would describe with the single word UPHEAVAL. In between these two events have been numerous life changes and struggles, including a reordering of certain relationships. It has sometimes felt like I’m standing on a fault line with the tectonic plates moving beneath me. There’s been no single earthquake, but a series of tremors and ground shifts that have made it hard at times to keep my balance.

Two other seasons in my life I’ve felt this unmoored:

1. In my young adult years when I was wrestling with sexual promiscuity and my faith.
2. When my marriage was on the brink of breakup.

Season 1: I started with a damaged heart.

I’d like to say I had an idyllic childhood, but I didn’t. I had some great experiences, but I come from a rather dysfunctional family. While I’ve mulled over my past plenty of times, it’s only been in these last couple of years that I’ve admitted some particularly difficult realities to myself—specifically, that I was abused. Not directly, as far too many were (and are), but abuse, neglect, and mistreatment were woven throughout my family tree. And if I told specific stories, you’d all agree that my home was not emotionally safe.

It was from this background that I came into womanhood longing for acceptance, affirmation, and affection. If only I could whisper into Young Me’s ear that I could find all of those in Christ and a community of believers who followed Him faithfully. But at that point, I hadn’t found that family or church sated my deep desire to be known and loved.

So, I went looking, as the song says, for love in all the wrong places. And for brief moments in the arms of various men, I found a counterfeit version of what I wanted. Of course, it didn’t satisfy, didn’t last, and came with a toll on my life and those I was with.

Plus, my Christian faith floundered, big time. How could it not? I was purporting to believe in God and His plan, all while erasing boundary after boundary until my life looked a whole lot like an unbeliever’s.

My breaking point came my last year of college when I realized I had to decide once for all whether Christianity—and its calls for sexual integrity—had any hold on me. Would I walk away? Or struggle through?

Obviously, I struggled through. I’m not sure I would have made it but for reading the Gospel of John and discovering the true Lord. Not the flannel board Jesus I’d grown up with in Sunday school, or the white-bearded God who kept track of your deeds like some fiery youth pastors taught, or just a Jewish teacher who gave us some of the best motivational quotes ever. Nope. I encountered the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

I didn’t snap to a perfect life by any means, but I stepped out of the pit and began to build a better life. Over time, I found my footing and deepened my faith.

Season 2: A failing marriage broke my heart.

Notice that I didn’t say failed, because my story has a good ending. Some of you didn’t get that good ending and had to start over, and some of you are in the thick of hardship now and don’t know how things will come out. But I suspect a lot of you read that sentence (“A failing marriage broke my heart”) and nodded.

We started out good(ish), but a few years later my husband and I were in meltdown. Having learned the lessons of Season 1, I was determined to turn to God and believe that He would save us. After many months and more tears than I can count, I not only had the emotional pain of tension, conflict, and loneliness in my marriage, I felt that it was all so unfair. Had I been sinning like before, I could understand, but I was giving it my all and what did I have to show for it?

Oh, the arrogance. Yep, that’s how I see it now—as if I expected God to reward my good behavior with a gold-star marriage. When God was trying the whole time to tell me that I wasn’t that good. I was demanding that both God and my husband meet my felt needs, rather than living out the Fruit of the Spirit in my relationships.

If I had to choose a breaking point, it would be picking up a book about whether to stay or go. I’ve written about that experience before, but essentially, I concluded that I was in this marriage for the long haul. So, we were just going to have to figure out how to make it better, and since my husband hadn’t done everything I thought he should do (oh, the arrogance), I was just going to have to do it myself.

Finally ready to look at myself more honestly, God informed me that I really did have work to do. And that work began, once again, with letting Him mold me. I stepped out of the pit and began the long-yet-worthwhile journey of building a happy marriage.

Season 3: My heart cracked, again.

Two years ago, things began to fall apart. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised by another hard season. But yet again, I’d fooled myself into thinking that—having built a solid foundation, healthy relationships, and a sweet life—it would be fairly smooth sailing from here on out. Yes, life would throw bad things at me, but I was going to be a-okay.

I haven’t felt a-okay these last couple of years. Rather, I have experienced such letdowns as:

• Learning more and delving deeper into past family and childhood wounds and admitting that I was abused, even if not directly, and by both parents.
• Stepping away from a toxic relationship with a family member, at least until something on their end changes.
• A worldwide pandemic that affected all of us, including me, by altering a lot of life plans we’d had—from launching a grown son to moving and more.
• A nine-month illness that left me feeling lost and useless much of the time—my own immune system betraying me, so to speak.
• A medical system that did not recognize my ailment as soon as they should have, partly due to economic and reputational incentives.
• Losing a friendship and working relationship with someone I deeply respected when she chose a path I could not travel with her.
• My beloved (now former) church choosing politics over people, not realizing that’s what they were doing or at least the message they were sending.
• Friends and family limiting contact or insulting my husband and/or me because of our disagreement with their political viewpoints.
• A nose surgery that did not correct the pressure/pain I was feeling; rather, it’s now worse. (Despite feeling much better overall, I finally acknowledged a couple of weeks ago how often I’m in pain with my sinuses and headaches.)

In one sense, this hard season has been better than the other two—I cannot point to any large issue that just sank me. But it’s been more exhausting because the struggles touched all areas of my life and kept coming one after the other. If the first two seasons of pit-like difficulty were stabs to the heart, this last season has been a hundred pricks to the heart.

None of this begins to compare to the trauma so many have endured! If that’s you, I’m so sorry. I wish I could hold your hand, just listen to your story, and weep with you.

Lord, unbreak my heart.

When your heart has cracked, fractured, or shattered, you wonder how the remnants can be put back together. Can your broken heart be unbroken?

Honestly, I got through my first two hard seasons the same way I plan to get through this third: giving God the remnants and trusting His plan for me. He doesn’t need more than remnants to craft beauty, hope, and wholeness.

Consider how often Scripture talks about the remnant. Even if—or when—life brings struggle, when others fall away or fail us, and when victory seems impossible, God’s greater, loving plan is perpetuated through a remnant of His people. He can work with a few to bring hope and restoration. (For example, “And the surviving remnant of the house of Judah shall again take root downward and bear fruit upward” – Isaiah 37:31.)

Over and over in Jesus’s ministry, He went from adoring and curious crowds to a few followers. By the beginning of Acts, there are 120 people gathered in Jerusalem—that’s it. There were likely more believers, but still not a lot to work with. And yet, God worked through that remnant to spread the gospel to “Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8).

I’ve seen the power of the remnant in my own life. My young adult years included a few mentors and friends who encouraged my questioning and fostered my faith, and my commitment was re-born from a single gospel account, a “remnant” of Scripture, if you will. And of course, my marriage was restored by starting with the remnants of our love and building from there.

Is your heart broken?

At least once a week, someone shares their heartbreak story with me. It could be through an email, a comment, or a personal conversation, but various people reach out to explain their marital struggles and ask for answers, or at least hope.

Some of you right now have cracks in your heart, places where you’ve been wounded by your spouse or by life in ways that impact your marriage. Some of you have clean breaks, such that it feels your marriage cannot ever be whole again. Some of you feel that your heart is shattered, and you don’t know how you can continue in marriage anymore.

Note: If your heart is shattered from abuse or unrepentant, ongoing infidelity, perhaps you should not continue in marriage. Get help and work through what your next steps should be.

For many, your broken heart revolves around sexuality. You have trauma from your past that understandably continues to taint your view or experience of sexuality. You have been rejected by your spouse more times than you can count, and it hurts. You have been pressured by your spouse for sex, making you feel less loved for who you are than what you can do. Your spouse has been sexually unfaithful, and you don’t know what comes next. You have some other wound I didn’t name here.

Maybe you’ve grown bitter or feel that you’re losing your faith. You struggle to have hope.

I just want to say that I get it. Not in the same way you have experienced it! You are unique, and truly many of you have been through way worse than I. But I get it enough to say: God is here even when you can’t sense His presence, I and others care about you, and we can get through this.

Our hearts will not always be broken. They will be restored and made full. God can build something beautiful from the remnants. Let’s learn from the seasons of struggle we’ve been through and head into the new year with a fresh start, a hopeful spirit, and God’s leading.

The post What Has Broken Your Heart, and Where Can You Find Hope? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

In my recent post, Blogging About Sex: I’d Say It Differently Now, I talked about how much I’ve learned from the time I began blogging and how I’d rephrase some things differently now. I received a lot of encouragement, and I genuinely appreciate that. But let’s talk about how my takeaway applies to marriage!

Words matter.

Perhaps you also grew up hearing the chant, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” What a load of hooey!

Nearly everyone can recall a time when someone’s words wounded them deeply. You may have ended up playing a direct insult or offhand comment in your mind for years, wishing the words didn’t affect you so much, yet reliving that emotional pain again and again.

Unfortunately, sometimes we say something to our spouse that causes a deep wound. Maybe it’s a direct insult intended in that moment to hurt, or maybe it’s an offhand comment we didn’t realize would cause pain. But whether from malice or carelessness, we can inflict personal and relational damage with how we talk about, to, and with our spouse.

"Whether from malice or carelessness, we can inflict personal and relational damage with how we talk about, to, and with our spouse."
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Through the years, I’ve heard stories from spouses who were hurt by their mate’s words. Some examples:

• “That woman/man over there is really hot.” … and the spouse feels less-than.
• “You owe me sex.” … and the spouse feels used.
• “I watch porn because you won’t have sex with me.” … and the spouse feels betrayed, blamed, and helpless.
• “I’m not interested in sex.” … and the spouse feels rejected, hearing “I’m not interested in you/us.”
• “You need to get over it.” … and a victim of sexual trauma feels devalued.
• “If you loved me, you’d ___.” … and the spouse feels love is conditioned on their mate’s needs without consideration of their own needs.

Some of these statements are flat-out wrong, and others are poor wording of legitimate concerns. But they all do injury to the other and to the relationship, making it harder to maintain or improve the marriage.

To watch over mouth and tongue is to keep out of trouble.

Proverbs 21:23 (NRSV)

An object lesson I taught.

Years ago when I was teaching children’s Bible classes, I used an object lesson that I found among our resources to demonstrate the power of words. Each student got a tube of toothpaste, and I asked them to squeeze all of the toothpaste out. (This is a fun activity for a young child, likely told to only squeeze out a pea-sized amount on their toothbrush.)

After students excitedly squished out all the toothpaste they could possibly manage, I asked them to put the toothpaste back in. Of course, they can’t. It won’t go back. We compared our words to that toothpaste: we can wipe up the paste, apologize for the mess, but we can’t get all of it back.

Now, don’t worry—we had many lessons about redemption, forgiveness, and grace as well! But there is some truth to how our words, as much as we wish they didn’t, hang in the air, leave a mark, haunt a loved one.

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 12:18 (NIV)

Oh, the things I said.

In the worst part of my marriage, I muttered awful things about my husband under my breath. Mind you, I was also seeking answers, praying about our marriage, and hoping God would save us. But my words? Yeah, not great. They displayed my frustration, my resentment, and yes, my hurt.

Now and then, I said things aloud to my husband I deeply regret. And those words made it that more difficult for him to believe my love for him, to be vulnerable with me, and to work through our conflict in positive, productive ways. On one hand, I said I wanted a better marriage, but on the other, I hurt my spouse with my words about him.

If I could go back and express my concerns, my hurt, my desires differently…

Now Spock said some not-great stuff to me too, but (1) this isn’t his confession, it’s mine; (2) I don’t hold any of that against him, because he was hurting too; and (3) I’m only telling you so nobody thinks you get a pass for your ugly words because your spouse said some too. At the time, I may have thought, “Well, my hubby has it coming,” but I’m 100% sure God was not impressed with that rationalization.

If anyone thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, his religion is useless and he deceives himself.

James 1:26

Have your words hurt your spouse?

Sometimes I get an email from a spouse complaining at length about their mate. They not only describe their mate’s actions and their own feelings, but rather disparage their “beloved” with negative adjectives, accusations, threats, etc. Even when there is really good reason for that level of upset, I suspect nothing will turn around for them. Whether they’ve said such words aloud to their spouse or not, those words are doing damage to their marriage.

When you cultivate that level of resentment toward someone, it shows up in how you talk to and treat them. It may only be the tone or facial expressions or lack of communication, but it’s there. And when you hit that tipping point that it comes out at your spouse, the words can do damage that are hard to overcome.

What you have in your heart overflows in your words.

“A good person produces good out of the good stored up in his heart. An evil person produces evil out of the evil stored up in his heart, for his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.“

Luke 6:45 (CSB)

What now?

Maybe your marriage or sex life isn’t going as well as it should because of what you said to or about your spouse. What now? Is it all like toothpaste out of the tube, impossible to recover?

Yes, and no. That is, you cannot take back what was already said.

But while I can recall hurtful words Spock and I said to each other back then, those memories have no current pain attached to them. I’m sad for that couple we were, but so much good has happened since then that’s it’s okay. We’re okay.

Your path to redemption, forgiveness, and grace begin with you. Here are some of the steps you may need to take:

• Confession. Admit your sin of careless or malicious words, both to God (1 John 1:9) and to your beloved.
• Apology. Apologize for the hurt you caused (see Two Words That Could Change the Course of Sex in Your Marriage).
• Atonement. Correct the record, explaining to your mate what you really believe instead of what you said.
• Repentance. Create an action plan for how you will change your attitude and words.
• Accountability. Ask your spouse to let you know when your words have hurt them, so that you’re more aware of when you cross a line.
• Restoration. Rebuild the relationship with better words.

Fools mock at making reparation, but there is goodwill among the upright.

Proverbs 14:9 (CSB)

Saying it differently, saying it better.

Relationship guru John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, talks about the “magic ratio.” In his research, he discovered that a stable and happy marriages has at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction during conflict.

You can address the wounds you intentionally or unintentionally caused with healing words, but you’ll need to have five or more positives for every hurt you caused.

This happened in my own marriage—replacing the harsh words we spoke with loving ones. Over time, the scales tipped, and both trust and vulnerability with one another became easier. Whatever was said in the past got smoothed over by the love and security we felt in the present.

I’m not suggesting that you sweep problems under the carpet. By no means!

That’s why I titled this post “I’d say it differently now.” Because our marriage still had problems that needed to be addressed, but the way we spoke about our problems and one another mattered far more than I understood at the time.

"The way we spoke about our problems and one another mattered far more than I understood at the time."
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We can make our marriage, our sex life, and even our relationship to God better or worse by the words we choose. Let’s choose wisely.

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 16:24 (NIV)

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