A husband wrote me about premature ejaculation, and as I began to answer his email, I realized I hadn’t written about this before and should! He began by saying that he and his wife have a great sex life, but…

I am an extremely fast finisher. I tend to finish well within one minute of penetration. I am usually ready for a second round within another few minutes, however those only ever last a couple of minutes maximum as well. This is something my dear wife and I have talked about before and she has always reassured me that this is of no bother to her, and I have always made it a point to be sure that she is “satisfied” by the end of any sexual encounter. She has mentioned to me before a desire to orgasm via penetration (she thinks this may be possible for her) however I am never able to last long enough to even think about making this happen for her. Is there anything I can do to overcome this and try to provide that experience for her?

J Answers

First up, I want to high-five this husband on his attentiveness as a lover, which his wife clearly appreciates. I was reminded yet again, as I attended and spoke at an event this weekend hosted by the Intimate Covenant podcast, that the primary purpose of sexual intimacy is connection (See What Are the Real Purposes of Sex?). Pleasure certainly serves that higher purpose, but even if sex isn’t everything that we want it to be physically, it can still be amazing emotionally, relationally, and even spiritually.

While working on this or any other issue, be sure to treasure the intimacy of sex as you’ve experienced it with your beloved.

Now on to the question…

What you describe is known, of course, as premature ejaculation (PE). Many experts simply say that PE is finishing sooner than desired, but WebMD gets more specific in saying that PE is when “you have an orgasm before intercourse or less than a minute after you start.” They also add that 30-40% of men experience it as some point, so it’s a common issue. If it’s occasional, then it can be overlooked.

But you want to address the ongoing fast finishes you’re having. And there are ways to do that, from techniques to medications/creams to other aids.

First introduced by sex researchers Masters & Johnson, this common technique is prescribed to men experiencing premature ejaculation.

When you feel ready to ejaculate, stop and squeeze the frenulum of your penis, where the head meets the shaft (see diagram below), with your thumb and forefinger … or ask your wife to do it. Hold that squeeze for several seconds until you no longer need to climax then resume thrusting. Repeat as needed.

Over time, you may be able to delay ejaculation without that squeeze.

Another option is at that ready-to-come moment, simply stop all sexual activity. Freeze in place, so to speak, until that eagerness to climax subsides. Then begin activity again. Do this as often as wanted until you’re ready to finish.

Often referred to as “edging,” some suggest practicing this technique with solo masturbation first. I don’t think that’s necessary; rather, you and your wife can work together to practice this until you feel more confident that you can last longer.

Kegels are simply exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor. Doctors often recommend Kegels to women, but they’re good for men as well. In addition to helping a man gain more control over ejaculation, this practice can increase bladder control, which—sorry to tell you—otherwise decreases with aging.

First, find the pelvic floor muscles by stopping urination halfway through or imagining that you’re trying to stop passing gas. The muscles you tense for either of those should be the right ones. Now lie on your back, tighten those muscles slowly through the count to 5, then release slowly for that same 5 count, and repeat 10 times each day.

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

The post Q&A with J: “I’m a Fast Finisher” – Premature Ejaculation appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Some of you may want to begin with the question: Is it even okay to fantasize about your spouse? I’ll answer that more fully below, but I think yes. In fact, you’ve probably done it already, even if you don’t know you did. But by making an intentional effort to let your imagination run a little wilder about your beloved, you may add a little oomph to your sexual experience.

Is It Okay to Fantasize?

When we think about sexual fantasies, we often think about reckless experiences that aren’t necessarily good for us. For instance, the most common sexual fantasy is multi-partner sex, but obviously THAT is not okay with God. Other not-so-awesome fantasies include rough sex (BDSM) and having sex in public.

Also, some fantasies are fueled by what’s been viewed in porn or read in erotica. Both of those mediums focus on self-pleasure, not mutually desired and intimate sex. They create an attitude of “what’s in it for me?” rather than “how can this encounter express and grow our intimacy?”

But while fantasy sometimes refers to selfish desires (especially ones unlikely to happen), let’s look at other definitions given for the word fantasize.

to portray in the mind
imagine (something that one wants to happen)
try to excite [oneself] sexually by imagining a particular person or situation

Merriam-Webster, Google, and Collins Dictionaries

Don’t we do those things when we think about making love with our spouse? When we ready our minds and hearts for sexual intimacy later in the day or evening? When we remember a particularly good experience and consider our desire to have that again?

Aren’t such mental meanderings the same stuff that husband and wife do in Song of Songs, as they express their joy with one another’s bodies, their satisfaction with lovemaking, and their desire to have more physical intimacy?

Sexual fantasy isn’t bad in and of itself. It can be a good thing, as long as it focuses solely on your spouse and encompasses activities that could or would be good for your marriage.

How to Fantasize About Your Spouse: "Sexual fantasy isn't bad in and of itself. It can be a good thing, as long as it focuses solely on your spouse and encompasses activities that could or would be good for your marriage." @hotholyhumorous
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What Should You Fantasize About?

Consider this section more inspirational than comprehensive. I certainly won’t, and can’t, cover every positive fantasy one could have about one’s spouse. But some ideas might help trigger you own imagination.

Location

Having sex in your bedroom again may not seem that exciting, especially if your bedroom is a bit cluttered and one locked door away from interruptions and/or distractions. How about imagining you’re somewhere else? Maybe it’s a quiet meadow where you’ve spread out a quilt, a lush suite at a resort hotel, or merely under the moonlight?

You can amp up the fantasy by adding a few decorations, aromas, and/or noise machine or app. For instance, to imagine you’re at the beach, stretch a beach blanket over your bed, light a beach-scented candle, and turn on ocean sounds. Extra points for giving your spouse a massage with sea-scented lotion!

Seduction

One great area for fantasy is seduction; that is, how would you like to be invited and enticed into sexual intimacy? Our preferences are influenced by gender, personality, experience, and more. But we likely have some seductive techniques we’d love to see our spouse employ.

Some husbands long for their wives to wear appealing lingerie, use provocative language, and/or perform a strip tease. Some wives ache to hear sweet nothings murmured in their ear, to be wooed with romance and affection, or to engage in a long kissing session before anything specifically sexual happens. Yes, those are stereotypes, so check with your own spouse to see if they apply! You might find your husband cares none for lingerie and wants more romance or your wife would be very amenable to you stripping for her.

Other seductive fantasies include such things as:

• A wife during date night out telling her husband that she’s not wearing undies or that she’s wet
• Love notes or texts suggesting what you can wait to do with your beloved
• Coming home to find a clean(ish) house, the kids gone to the grandparents’ house, and a candlelight dinner
• Being swept away by a spouse showing an intense urgency of desire (sometimes referred to as “being taken,” but please don’t confuse this point with force or assault, which are wrong)
• A long unfolding of sexual intimacy, with prolonged affection, slow removal of clothing, soft touches and teasing

Simply thinking about how you’d like to be seduced by your spouse can stir your desire for sex. But letting your mind roam this way can also help you better understand what appeals to you and foster those experiences in your marriage. In particular, some lower desire spouses may discover they want sex more than they thought…if only it would come about in a different way.

Activities

Maybe it’s something you did before and liked, or maybe it’s something you’ve never tried, but you can think about sexual activities you’d like to do with your beloved. Thinking about what felt good before or what you’re interested in doing can get your engine purring and make you more eager to make love.

If you’re looking for new ideas, I’ve got plenty in my book for wives, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, as well as the action items for couples in Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples. And then there are all the posts you can find on this site that fall into the How To Tips category.

Role Play

By day, you’re an employee or employer, husband and wife, dad and mom, but by night, you’re… Well, what do you want to be? We’ve all played roles since we were kids, whether it’s imagining you’re a superhero, playing house, or dreaming of that day you’re drafted for the big leagues. You can do that, too, with sexual encounters with your spouse.

Here’s one important caveat to the use of sexual role play: You should always be yourselves, just in a different role. If you push the fantasy to pretending that you are other people, then you’re mentally having sex with someone else. That breaks the exclusivity of marriage.

But you can set up scenarios to play out with one another (artist-model, knight-princess, etc.) or imagine to yourself that your husband is a superhero or your wife is a queen. Make sure the roles you choose for one another are honorable ones, not porn star or something icky like that. “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10).

First Time

One easy way to fantasize is to simply imagine that this is the first time. No, I’m not saying that first-time sex is better (it’s not) or idolizing virginity. Rather, imagine that you’re feeling these sensations for the first time. Focus on them as if you’d never felt anything like this before. You might find yourself even more appreciative of the arousal, pleasure, and even climax.

Should You Tell Your Spouse?

So, you fantasize about your spouse. Should you share those fantasies? It depends. Let’s ask a few important questions.

Are your fantasies positive ones? Do they focus entirely on your mate? Are they in the realm of realistic? (For example, imagining that your spouse’s body is different than it is would be unhelpful.) Do they fall in line with the biblical calling to love and honor one another? If your fantasies are based on others or porn/erotica or harm to yourselves or others, then maybe you need to cultivate some new fantasies. (See ideas above!)

What is your goal? Sometimes we share fantasies because they’re fun to think about together, even if we’d never do them. Like maybe you think it would be awesome to join the Mile High Club, but you also recognize that it’s remarkably rude to have sex in a small lavatory that everyone else on the plane has to use! (Please do recognize that.) Oher times, we introduce a fantasy because we want to live it out. Ask what your goal is in sharing the fantasy.

Will sharing the fantasy increase intimacy? Some fantasies could lead to insecurity for your spouse—feeling they can’t measure up, or you want them to act like someone else you’ve seen on screen or had sex with, or you want to press past their boundaries. Other fantasies express longing for your beloved, playfulness and joy, interest in new experiences together, and/or a broadening or deepening of pleasure. Think about whether your fantasy is more about your own desires or building your marital intimacy.

How will you respond to their reaction? If they’re eager to try the fantasy, then you’ll be elated. But what if they’re not? Are you ready to share your fantasy only to have your spouse say no? You should be in a place of prioritizing intimacy above any particular fantasy. That means that if you want to do something, but your spouse isn’t up for it, you accept the answer gracefully and move on to other ideas.

Are you willing to hear their fantasies? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! Are you ready to invite your spouse to express his/her fantasy? Are you willing to encourage their fantasies about you, implement what’s suggested, and/or negotiate win-win ideas? You may learn some interesting things about your spouse as you ask your beloved to share where their mind has gone regarding your sexual intimacy.

A Final Word from the Bible

Although not about sex, of course, two biblical passages seem to be a good way to wrap up a post on sexual fantasy. When you think about how to fantasize about your spouse, consider:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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Finally, we’ve reached the last post in a four-part series about premarital sex. While I usually address sex in marriage, I received a question about whether the old rules about waiting until marriage still apply. Short answer: yes. Longer answer:

Part 1: What Does the Bible Say About Premarital Sex?
Part 2: “But What About…?”: Challenges to the Church’s Ban on Premarital Sex
Part 3: Is Abstinence Before Marriage the Right Goal?

Today, let’s look at how someone with God-given sexual interest can hold off until marriage and/or maintain sexual integrity throughout our lives.

Do You Want to Wait?

Nothing I say in this post will help you wait until marriage to have sex if you don’t really want to. The same is true for breaking off an affair, quitting pornography, addressing issues with lust, or changing problematic dynamics around sexual intimacy in your marriage.

You may wish you weren’t in the situation you’re in, yet also find sufficient pleasure in your situation that you secretly want to continue. In psychology (and medical fields), that’s called “secondary gain.” It can help to ask yourself how much you really want to maintain sexual integrity and what secondary gain you’re getting from the sin, struggle, or slip-ups you experience.

Now that doesn’t mean you need willpower of steel. Rather, the question is whether you have enough desire for God to work with. Because God won’t force obedience, but He will be there if you want Him.

Consider the story of a man at the Bethesda pool who’d been disabled for 38 years. Jesus approached him one day and asked, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:6). Oddly, the man doesn’t answer with an emphatic YES. Rather, “Sir…I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” In other words, “I’ve tried.”

If Jesus were a motivational speaker, he’d say, “That’s not good enough. You have to really want it! Only if you crave it with all your heart will you achieve your goals!” Thank goodness Christ wasn’t a motivational speaker but a savior. Instead, He cures the invalid and tells him to get up, pick up his mat, and walk. Jesus takes “I’ve tried” as being enough wanting that He can work with it to bring healing.

Of course, it will be easier to maintain sexual integrity if your whole heart and soul are dedicated to it, but God can also work with little to make it much more. You simply have to want sexual integrity enough to get started on your journey—to pick up your mat and take those first few steps.

TAKEAWAY: Ask how much you really want sexual integrity. What “secondary gain” (side benefit) would you or do you get from choosing a different path? Will you ask God to work with the desire you have and heal you the rest of the way?

Why Do You Want Sex Outside Marriage?

Obvious answers to that question include “because it feels good,” “because my body is screaming at me to have sex,” and “because I love him/her so much,” and those reasons make sense. However, for many people, the struggle to maintain sexual integrity is wedded to other, deeper causes.

Let me illustrate from my own life. Yes, sex felt good, and my first time was with a guy I cared for deeply. But also:

• I had poor body/self-image, and feeling sexually desired made me feel more attractive.
• I had a conflict-ridden relationship with my father and sought male affection elsewhere.
• I grew up in a church with some grace-filled people and some legalists. The legalists’ rules about dating frustrated me enough that I rebelled a little. Over time, a little became a lot.
• I learned about the hypocrisy of several older members of our church and reasoned that premarital sex was nowhere near as bad as extramarital affairs or sexual predation of minors.

Others’ reasons may be entirely different. I’ve known widowed Christians who don’t want to get married again but miss having sex, younger folks who want to finish their educational program before marrying but want to have sex, and one teenage girl who aimed at getting pregnant so her parents would let her marry her boyfriend and move out of her abusive household.

If you know the why, then you can address the why. Many times, premarital sex seems like the answer to your longing when it isn’t. For instance, having sex to get affection created all kinds of other fallout for me, and that teenage girl got pregnant, left her home, but became a struggling single mom soon after.

Even if your why is a good why, you can look for alternative ways to satisfy your longings and/or manage your desires.

TAKEAWAY: Beyond feelings of pleasure or wanting to be intimate with someone, why does sex outside marriage appeal to you? How could you meet those needs or desires in different ways?

How Can You Stand Firm?

Many times in my premarital promiscuous past, I longed to stop sinning and have sexual integrity. I had an understanding of God’s will and some desire to follow it, but no strategy. I’d get into a dicey situation and find myself saying yes when I’d planned to say no.

Speaking of strategy, John 8:1-11 tells the story of a woman caught in adultery and brought to Jesus for condemnation. Jesus simply tells her to “go and sin no more.” Have you ever thought, as I have, “Easier said than done!” Where was the 10-point plan for avoiding adultery? The affair recovery group? The 40 Days to a Sinless Sex Life self-help book?

Actually, all we need is in Scripture, if we’ll absorb what’s there and pray for guidance. Too often, however, churches have focused on extrabiblical measures as strategies for purity. Perhaps the biggest headscratcher I heard was a church camp that insisted teenage couples hold hands like pancakes instead of waffles. Um, because weaving fingers is too sexually tempting?

What strategies does the Bible suggest for sexual integrity? As covered in Part 3 of this series, the number one thing you can do is pursue an intimate relationship with God. Knowing God and being righteous are intimately intertwined. As Psalm 119:10 says, “I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.”

After that, consider what you’re doing with your:

EYES. Do you consistently view bared bodies or sex scenes? You may need to change your viewing habits and/or introduce filtering software. That’s the modern-day equivalent of not going down the street of the adulterous woman (Proverbs 7:1-9).

But also, are you looking at the opposite more than body parts or eye candy…as children of God? Jesus’s approach, even to a sinful woman, was to look deeper and see the person behind the appearance (see On “Pigs,” Good Men, and the Difference).

MIND. Here’s a sampling of what Scripture says about our minds:

• “Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads” (Deuteronomy 11:18).
• “Test me, Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness” (Psalm 26:2-3).
• “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind’” (Matthew 22:37).
• “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires” (Romans 8:5).
• “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:2).

When you find yourself thinking about doing something outside sexual integrity, fix God’s Word in your mind, consider God’s unfailing love and faithfulness, remind yourself that you want to love God with all your mind, set your thoughts on what the Spirit desires and things above.

It’s not enough to keep telling yourself not to think about sexual temptation. That works about as well as telling someone to close their eyes and not imagine a large rabbit. What immediately pops into their head? A large rabbit. Instead, replace the thoughts you don’t want with thoughts you do want.

HEART. The heart is implicated nearly every time someone strays from God’s commands. The Bible speaks of hardening one’s heart, losing heart, not taking God’s word to heart, turning away one’s heart, having pride in one’s heart. And Jesus said that “out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19).

Is your heart where it should be in relationship to God? And what is your heart toward others? You may not have a sexual temptation problem as much as a heart problem.

But God can help with that too: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 26:36).

BODY. If you take care of your eyes, mind, and heart, you may not even need this part, because choices about what to do with your body will come more easily. But God made us sexual beings, and our physiology responds to sexual cues. Also, while working on those other pieces, you may need to focus especially on this piece, which is don’t put your body at risk.

As 1 Corinthians 6:18 reminds us, “Flee from sexual immorality.” That’s a move-your-body command.

In my case, my body didn’t need to be sitting in a dark car, in an isolated area, and passionately kissing my date. That was a recipe for disaster. But while that’s a pretty clear nope, the line you need to draw and the line someone else needs to draw may not be the same. Perhaps you need more distance from your date while someone else can cuddle at the movies and have no problem. But be honest with yourself! Don’t do that “in a perfect world, I can resist XYZ.” Fess up to where your boundaries should be and keep them.

TAKEAWAY: Where does your struggle come from: eyes, mind, heart, body, or all of the above? Think through how you can guard each to maintain holiness. Make a plan.

Will You Do What It Takes?

Long before the man at the Bethesda pool, there was another man who desired healing. Naaman, an army commander, had leprosy, and Elisha was called to heal him. Elisha told Naaman to dip seven times in the Jordan River. Naaman was furious, not only because “I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy” (2 Kings 5:11), but also because “Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?” (v. 12). But then:

Naaman’s servants went to him and said, “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’?

2 Kings 5:13

So Naaman steps way outside his comfort zone, dips in the Jordan seven times, and “his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy” (v.14).

I think we’re a lot like Naaman when it comes to having sexual integrity. We want to be fully restored and clean, but we balk at doing the uncomfortable things that it will take to get there. Consider some of these choices that could help us reach sexual integrity but would cause discomfort in the moment or for a time:

AVOID. If you’re having sexual thoughts about someone who isn’t your spouse, you likely need to avoid certain situations with them. Marriages have broken up because a spouse had an affair with someone at work, but typically they spent a lot of time with their affair partner before having sex. Why were they alone so often with someone of the opposite sex?

Alternately, why snuggle with your girlfriend or boyfriend on the couch with no one else around? Why have easy access to pornography that you need to shut down? What do you need to actively avoid?

CONFESS. Confessing about your struggle and inviting help can make a big difference, but we worry that we’ll be shamed for being tempted or crossing lines.

In fairness, people have been shamed for that, and then they keep quiet and keep struggling. The better move is to find a different person, someone who will listen and agree to help you stay on the right path. There are trustworthy Christians, but I admit you may have to search a bit to find the right person to confess to. Still, it’s worth it.

SEEK ACCOUNTABILITY. Beyond confession, you may need someone to regularly report to about your difficulties. Yes, this can make you feel supervised, but it’s often just for a time until you develop good habits.

If you don’t want to enter a support group or have an accountability partner, consider seeing a quality Christian counselor who can help and is legally bound to maintain your confidentiality.

GRIEVE. No one wants to go through grief, but this could be the uncomfortable step you need to take. More and more in my life, I see the benefit of grieving what you want but can’t have, or your past that set you on a poor path, or choices you made that hurt God, yourself, and others. Too often, we don’t sit in that sadness long enough and lament where we are.

But only by going through mourning can we reach the other side. “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing” (Psalm 30:11). Go ahead and grieve.

START OVER. Thank goodness for Peter. He’s the believer I most understand, because he had zeal for the cause but kept messing up. But every time he made a mistake, small or huge, he sought out Christ, learned something, and started over. Peter got Jesus’s 70 X 7 forgiveness and became a rock of faithfulness.

Did you blow it? Go to God, ask for forgiveness, listen to Him better, and try again. As I said before, God’s not thinking, “Well, he’s no longer a virgin, so we’re done with Him.” Rather, He can wash you clean every single time. Now don’t go sinning so that grace may abound (Romans 6:1), but don’t waste weeks, months, years beating yourself up when God just wants to set you on the right path and let you get to living with greater integrity.

TAKEAWAY: Resolve to take those actions that feel awkward, difficult, or even silly to others to preserve your sexual integrity. If/when your resolve wavers, pray for strength and wisdom from God and get back on the right path.

Will You Embrace Repentance and Redemption?

Humility is where my own journey of repentance and redemption began. I sought God’s amazing grace when I admitted that He could save a “wretch like me.” Maybe you don’t feel like a wretch, but I don’t know anyone who’s had a 100% perfect track record in the area of sexual integrity. We could all use a little humility to approach God, seek repentance, and accept redemption.

Wherever you are with premarital sex or extramarital sex or pornography or adultery or what-have-you, it’s worth asking:

1. Do I have any sexual sin or struggles that I need God’s help with?
2. Will I let Him redeem me and embrace His forgiveness?

If you’ve made wrong choices, you may have consequences to face. But please know that God isn’t holding your sin over you or wanting you to have a difficult sex life in marriage because of sin in your past or struggles in your present.

I’m living proof of God’s goodness in the area of sexual sinfulness. But for His redemption and forgiveness, I don’t know where I’d be. Since I have them, though, I know where I am: in a hot and holy marriage, with a ministry to wives and couples, and, most importantly, made pure in Christ.

Let me close with this: Please share what encouragement or strategies have worked for you or others in maintaining sexual integrity. You may come upon something I didn’t think of that would be golden advice to someone else.

Related posts worth reading:
Sexual Disintegrity – My Journey Toward Sexual Wholeness #1 | The Forgiven Wife
5 Lies That Make Sexual Purity More Difficult – Boundless | Juli Slattery
“Just Get Married”: The Worst Advice for the Sexually Struggling | Phylicia Masonheimer

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My husband says I have an ongoing problem of taking on more than I can accomplish. On this, and plenty of other things, he is right! After a couple of weeks of running around trying to get things done and feeling that I was nowhere near on time with anything, I’m trying to regain my equilibrium. But in those crazy-sauce moments, I came across a written interview about my book, Hot, Holy & Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

I believe these were questions suggested by my publisher to radio show and podcast hosts interviewing me about the book when it released in 2016. To prepare, I wrote out some answers, and you know what? There’s some good stuff there! Today I’m sharing these general sex tips with you.

Remember, these answers are aimed at women—since that is the primary audience for my how-to sex guide for Christian wives (Hot, Holy, and Humorous book). But there are takeaways for husbands as well.

In our hectic lives, how do you suggest couples find time for intimacy?

It’s like anything else, really: you have to make time for what you believe is important. I know some wives out there are stressed, exhausted, and wrung out, and the thought of someone saying, “Clear your calendar for marital intimacy!” comes across as another task on their already-full to-do list.

But it’s not just about sex—God created this act to be a unique connection between husband and wife. And we have to invest in our marriages if they’re going to go the distance.  

Ask if there’s anything you’re doing now that you can drop. Look for creative times to be intimate. It doesn’t have to happen at night after the kids go to bed. You can make love before the kids get up and in the afternoon while the kids are watching a Disney movie or playing next door. Coordinate your schedules better to make sure you have one-on-one time. And schedule sex.

Yes, schedule sex. Because if you put something on your calendar, you’ve cleared that time. It’s just like setting any other date, and you can do whatever you want when you arrive. I know a couple who makes love every Saturday morning like clockwork, and it’s been great for them to carve out that regular intimacy time. 

You say much of a woman’s sex drive is in her mind. What are some ways she can help prepare herself for sex that will help get her in the mood? 

There’s the old saying that men have a one-track mind. If that’s true, women are an international train station.

We can be aware of a lot of stimuli, and we can multitask. And that’s great for us in many environments. But that can get in the way when it comes to intimacy, because we need to be able to focus on what’s happening with our bodies and our intimacy. 

I find it fascinating that the Song of Songs says three different times “Don’t awaken love until it so desires.” That implies that once the time is right, we have to awaken love. We have to step away from distractions, maybe prepare our bedrooms to be more inviting, or at least not have a collection of Lego toys and Barbie clothes on the bed, and spend some time getting ready.

Tell your husband you need a few minutes to decompress from the day before you can be ready. Maybe take a bubble bath to awaken your body’s senses or ask him for a massage. Put on something that makes you feel desirable. Use the powers of anticipation to focus on what’s coming and learn to look forward to this special time. 

Women tend to be extremely critical of themselves and a majority of them feel self-conscious about certain parts of their body. How can they learn to feel more confident? 

We ladies tend to do two things that crash our self-confidence: First, we focus on what we don’t like. We’ve got to start recognizing how beautiful our bodies are, knitted together by the Creator Himself. But we tend to home in on those few aspects about our bodies that we don’t like.  

Our major second problem is comparison. And that can be comparing ourselves to women we know, models on magazine covers, or even how we used to look.  

But I challenge wives to find what they do like about their bodies, whether it the dimples on their cheeks or their legs or their eye color. Start focusing on those things in the mirror and in your head, because you absolutely possess beauty.

And dress to show off your best assets. I have a chapter about choosing lingerie that works for your body. 

Truly, when I hear from husbands, they aren’t looking at the things we see as flaws. Most husbands are just amazed by our different form, our soft skin, our curves, our secret places. They find that all very fascinating and beautiful, and they don’t really care if you’re sporting a few extra pounds. You are female and the woman he loved enough to marry, and that makes you beautiful in his eyes. 

What are some of the most common questions you receive from men or women? Why do you think these questions are so common? 

How do I get my spouse to…?

For wives, I tend to get stories from different ends of the spectrum: either “how do I feel good about having sex?” because sex has not yet been a blessing in her life, or “why doesn’t my husband want me?” from wives who have a higher-drive than their husbands but have been told all their lives that it should be the other way around. 

From husbands, I get more of “why doesn’t she believe me when I tell her she’s beautiful?” and “why doesn’t she understand how important sexual intimacy is to me?” I also think this is because of wrong messages we sent about sex, that it’s for men or that it’s merely physical. We haven’t fully embraced God’s design for sexual intimacy in marriage. 

Are there some things women do to be more sexy that are actually considered turn-offs?   

Yes. The first one that pops into my mind is playing hard-to-get. I’ve heard that advice more than once given from woman-to-woman: make him work for it.

Sure, I tell husbands to keep pursuing their wives. But what makes a husband feel loved is knowing his wife desires him and makes sexual intimacy a priority in their marriage. It’s a turn-off to have to scale a mountain every time you want to be physically intimate, and it’s just playing games. 

Bartering can also be a turn-off. Because it’s saying to a husband that you don’t really want him or that special connection. Some husbands will back away and say it’s not worth it because trading favors isn’t intimacy he wants and needs.

Can you explain the difference in what goes through a woman’s mind during sex vs. what goes through man’s mind? 

Oh, we’re thinking a million things: from how our bodies look to what’s actually happening to did we turn off the oven to when’s the last time we made love, was it Wednesday or Thursday? Most men are just thinking yessssss.  

So we wives have to make an effort to concentrate. It’s almost like meditation where you’re asked to think merely about your breath or the words going through your mind, which is great to do with Scripture. But you can do that in the midst of marital intimacy too, just turning and returning to the sensations going through your body so you can be in the moment and experience them fully. 

What is your opinion on couples who watch pornography together?

Terrible idea. And it’s no longer just Christians saying so. Research has demonstrated over and over the perils of watching pornography whether alone or together.

The sexual acts demonstrated in porn do not comport with the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13—that is, patient, kind, honoring, protecting, and so on. And porn retrains to self-centered imagery rather than real-life intimacy. It’s having such terrible consequences as physical harm in the bedroom when people try to emulate what they’ve seen in porn, impotence for men who no longer respond properly to real stimuli, and relationship breakdown. 

If you need tips for ways to spice things up, porn isn’t the place to turn. My book has numerous practical and biblical ideas for getting healthy and holy intimacy in your bedroom. 

What types of tips does Hot, Holy, and Humorous explain about foreplay and different positions? Why did you feel it was important to speak specifically and also to lighten the tone of the book with a bit of humor? 

Years ago, I picked up a Christian book about sex and its position section had four positions, described very drily. And I thought, “That’s it?” Meanwhile, the Kama Sutra’s supposed to have 64, so a lot of Christian started pulling that book out. And it’s not that helpful. So I go with practical suggestions that vary your lovemaking and help couples experience different sensations. 

I took the same tactic with foreplay, wanting to be both biblical and practical. I describe things pretty straightforward, but I’m not unnecessarily graphic. I try to think of it like I’m chatting with a friend over coffee at my local café. 

And that’s probably where my humor spills out. I found that sex can be an awkward topic for some people, and yet we all know from our bedroom experiences that it can be funny too, so I bring that forward. When we all have this sense of lightheartedness about it, we can talk more openly and productively.  

That’s it! And here’s the book itself:

Did anything in particular strike you? Which topic do you believe should be covered more?

The post Honest Answers to Questions About Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

This is a really difficult question, but do you have any advice for talking to your parents about sexual intimacy in their relationship? I have no idea what it’s like or has been like, but I believe they could have more fun in their golden years. Maybe I’m looking for how to start the conversation? Or would it just be better to buy a book and ask them to read it? Thank you!

Someone reading this is already saying to themselves: “Why is it any of her business what her parents do in the bedroom?” Look, I believe the reader’s question comes from a good place of concern and kindness. But I hear you, and I will address the privacy aspect!

First, here are some ideas for addressing the health of a parents’ marriage and their intimacy going forward.

Ask Questions and Listen

Almost every conversation in which I have a goal goes better when I simply ask questions, listen, and learn. This has become a go-to for me with my husband and my (now grown) sons. When others feel heard, they are more likely to trust what you have to say.

To be clear, they won’t feel heard if you’re only asking and listening as a technique to get to the part where you tell them what you want them to know! You have to genuine want to hear their heart.

How they respond and what you learn should inform your approach going forward. You may discover you don’t need to say anything more. You may re-think your original message. You may suggest external help, because their issues call for professional intervention.

Regardless, the principle of “seek first to understand, then to be understood” (from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) is a solid one. It’s the attitude you see in Scripture:

• “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13).
• “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:13).
• “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered” (Proverbs 17:27).

Share Your Own Story

There’s power in testimony. Whether it’s a product you love or a vacation you recommend or a slice of parenting knowledge you gained “the hard way,” word of mouth spreads wisdom. Many couples have helped other couples by a spouse simply saying, “Our intimacy wasn’t that great until ______” and then explaining what they did to improve it.

When telling your story, remember it’s not about telling others what to do, but rather sharing what helped you and letting them learn from it. What worked for you may not work for them anyway, because our backgrounds are different and our problems are specific to our selves and marriages. But if nothing else, you can at least communicate that sex is important in marriage and resources are available to help others discover God’s design for intimacy.

Quick note: Leave out the specifics! No one wants to hear the play-by-play of your sexual encounters. That goes double for your parents! (Good gravy, I’m a sex author and I’d never want to hear that from my kids. ~shudder~)

Acknowledge Your Mutual Experience

Outside of your own testimony, you can also talk about what you each learned growing up and what you’ve learned since. It’s testimony-adjacent, but not quite.

I did this with my own parents. That is, I let them know I appreciated what little they did teach me about sex and acknowledged they didn’t have good information or resources themselves. I let them know it was okay that they did the best they could, even if their messages (or lack thereof) led to some problems. Many of our parents were failed by the system too.

To my mind, this goes along perfectly with the biblical command to “honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12). But I’ve also seen it with elderly women I’ve spoken with personally. Plenty of them know their generation didn’t get it right, and it’s a kindness to tell them it’s okay and there’s still time to get it right. Indeed, some of my best encouragement has come from women over 70 saying things like “it’s so important to marriage, and no one talked about it in my day.”

Request Your Parents’ Advice

I asked on my Facebook page for ideas about this reader question, and I really liked what one woman in particular suggested:

Create a safe space for you and your mom to have a conversation. Just ask, “Mom, I know this could be an awkward conversation, but would you be willing to talk to me about what our (you and your husband) sexual relationship might look like as we get older? Does it change much through the years? Does it get better, or worse, or stagnant?” This will give you much insight without focusing the conversation on your parents. I think this type of conversation needs to happen before you ever give “suggestions or advice.” She (they) may be very open to encouragement and suggestions after this, if needed.

You might be surprised to discover your parents are doing just fine. You might get some good tips yourself. Or you might at least discover where some struggles lie and then be able to speak to that.

Recommend Quality Resources

You asked: “Or would it just be better to buy a book and ask them to read it?” Short answer: No.

Seriously, when is the last time someone shoved a book at you and asked you to read it without discussion…and you read it? If you’re going to offer a resource, you at least have to couch it in a reason for the recommendation.

That said, you could send anything from a blog post to an article to a video to a book with a note. Your note can include why you thought it was something they might be interested in, why you liked it and recommend it, and/or your experience with the author or distributor that makes you trust their take. What you should not include is unsolicited advice of your own or a you-need-this attitude.

As mentioned in a recent Knowing Her Sexually podcast, my husband and I share marriage articles with one another, but we don’t say, “You need to read this!” Rather, we say something like, “What do you think about this?” or “This really struck home to me” or “Can we talk about making some of the changes discussed here?” It’s much more effective to invite feedback or conversation than dispense advice from on high.

Share a resource and ask your parent(s) to take a look or what they think about it. And then leave it at that.

Respect Their Privacy

Ultimately, it’s none of their business what happens in your bedroom, and it’s none of your business what happens in theirs. Sexual intimacy should be a private act between husband and wife that creates intimacy between those two people.

However, sexual intimacy as God intended strengthens marriages…which strengthens families…which strengthens communities. So in a way, we have a vested interest in our parents, and grown children, experiencing holy and healthy sex in their marriage. Your desire for your parents to “have more fun in their golden years” is a sweet one.

Just know that your parents may have no interest in speaking to you about their physical intimacy, no matter how you phrase it and what you do. And that’s okay. Don’t push it. Respect their privacy.

Pray for Your Parents

What you can always do is pray for your parents. Pray that if they need help or could have more sexual excitement in their golden years, God will plant the seed. Maybe through you, maybe through someone else.

But invite God to work His will with your parents in His own way.

The post Q&A with J: How Can I Help My Parents Enjoy Sex More? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.