Some of you may want to begin with the question: Is it even okay to fantasize about your spouse? I’ll answer that more fully below, but I think yes. In fact, you’ve probably done it already, even if you don’t know you did. But by making an intentional effort to let your imagination run a little wilder about your beloved, you may add a little oomph to your sexual experience.
Is It Okay to Fantasize?
When we think about sexual fantasies, we often think about reckless experiences that aren’t necessarily good for us. For instance, the most common sexual fantasy is multi-partner sex, but obviously THAT is not okay with God. Other not-so-awesome fantasies include rough sex (BDSM) and having sex in public.
Also, some fantasies are fueled by what’s been viewed in porn or read in erotica. Both of those mediums focus on self-pleasure, not mutually desired and intimate sex. They create an attitude of “what’s in it for me?” rather than “how can this encounter express and grow our intimacy?”
But while fantasy sometimes refers to selfish desires (especially ones unlikely to happen), let’s look at other definitions given for the word fantasize.
to portray in the mindMerriam-Webster, Google, and Collins Dictionaries
imagine (something that one wants to happen)
try to excite [oneself] sexually by imagining a particular person or situation
Don’t we do those things when we think about making love with our spouse? When we ready our minds and hearts for sexual intimacy later in the day or evening? When we remember a particularly good experience and consider our desire to have that again?
Aren’t such mental meanderings the same stuff that husband and wife do in Song of Songs, as they express their joy with one another’s bodies, their satisfaction with lovemaking, and their desire to have more physical intimacy?
Sexual fantasy isn’t bad in and of itself. It can be a good thing, as long as it focuses solely on your spouse and encompasses activities that could or would be good for your marriage.How to Fantasize About Your Spouse: "Sexual fantasy isn't bad in and of itself. It can be a good thing, as long as it focuses solely on your spouse and encompasses activities that could or would be good for your marriage." @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet
What Should You Fantasize About?
Consider this section more inspirational than comprehensive. I certainly won’t, and can’t, cover every positive fantasy one could have about one’s spouse. But some ideas might help trigger you own imagination.
Having sex in your bedroom again may not seem that exciting, especially if your bedroom is a bit cluttered and one locked door away from interruptions and/or distractions. How about imagining you’re somewhere else? Maybe it’s a quiet meadow where you’ve spread out a quilt, a lush suite at a resort hotel, or merely under the moonlight?
You can amp up the fantasy by adding a few decorations, aromas, and/or noise machine or app. For instance, to imagine you’re at the beach, stretch a beach blanket over your bed, light a beach-scented candle, and turn on ocean sounds. Extra points for giving your spouse a massage with sea-scented lotion!
One great area for fantasy is seduction; that is, how would you like to be invited and enticed into sexual intimacy? Our preferences are influenced by gender, personality, experience, and more. But we likely have some seductive techniques we’d love to see our spouse employ.
Some husbands long for their wives to wear appealing lingerie, use provocative language, and/or perform a strip tease. Some wives ache to hear sweet nothings murmured in their ear, to be wooed with romance and affection, or to engage in a long kissing session before anything specifically sexual happens. Yes, those are stereotypes, so check with your own spouse to see if they apply! You might find your husband cares none for lingerie and wants more romance or your wife would be very amenable to you stripping for her.
Other seductive fantasies include such things as:
- A wife during date night out telling her husband that she’s not wearing undies or that she’s wet
- Love notes or texts suggesting what you can wait to do with your beloved
- Coming home to find a clean(ish) house, the kids gone to the grandparents’ house, and a candlelight dinner
- Being swept away by a spouse showing an intense urgency of desire (sometimes referred to as “being taken,” but please don’t confuse this point with force or assault, which are wrong)
- A long unfolding of sexual intimacy, with prolonged affection, slow removal of clothing, soft touches and teasing
Simply thinking about how you’d like to be seduced by your spouse can stir your desire for sex. But letting your mind roam this way can also help you better understand what appeals to you and foster those experiences in your marriage. In particular, some lower desire spouses may discover they want sex more than they thought…if only it would come about in a different way.
Maybe it’s something you did before and liked, or maybe it’s something you’ve never tried, but you can think about sexual activities you’d like to do with your beloved. Thinking about what felt good before or what you’re interested in doing can get your engine purring and make you more eager to make love.
If you’re looking for new ideas, I’ve got plenty in my book for wives, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, as well as the action items for couples in Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples. And then there are all the posts you can find on this site that fall into the How To Tips category.
By day, you’re an employee or employer, husband and wife, dad and mom, but by night, you’re… Well, what do you want to be? We’ve all played roles since we were kids, whether it’s imagining you’re a superhero, playing house, or dreaming of that day you’re drafted for the big leagues. You can do that, too, with sexual encounters with your spouse.
Here’s one important caveat to the use of sexual role play: You should always be yourselves, just in a different role. If you push the fantasy to pretending that you are other people, then you’re mentally having sex with someone else. That breaks the exclusivity of marriage.
But you can set up scenarios to play out with one another (artist-model, knight-princess, etc.) or imagine to yourself that your husband is a superhero or your wife is a queen. Make sure the roles you choose for one another are honorable ones, not porn star or something icky like that. “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10).
One easy way to fantasize is to simply imagine that this is the first time. No, I’m not saying that first-time sex is better (it’s not) or idolizing virginity. Rather, imagine that you’re feeling these sensations for the first time. Focus on them as if you’d never felt anything like this before. You might find yourself even more appreciative of the arousal, pleasure, and even climax.
Should You Tell Your Spouse?
So, you fantasize about your spouse. Should you share those fantasies? It depends. Let’s ask a few important questions.
Are your fantasies positive ones? Do they focus entirely on your mate? Are they in the realm of realistic? (For example, imagining that your spouse’s body is different than it is would be unhelpful.) Do they fall in line with the biblical calling to love and honor one another? If your fantasies are based on others or porn/erotica or harm to yourselves or others, then maybe you need to cultivate some new fantasies. (See ideas above!)
What is your goal? Sometimes we share fantasies because they’re fun to think about together, even if we’d never do them. Like maybe you think it would be awesome to join the Mile High Club, but you also recognize that it’s remarkably rude to have sex in a small lavatory that everyone else on the plane has to use! (Please do recognize that.) Oher times, we introduce a fantasy because we want to live it out. Ask what your goal is in sharing the fantasy.
Will sharing the fantasy increase intimacy? Some fantasies could lead to insecurity for your spouse—feeling they can’t measure up, or you want them to act like someone else you’ve seen on screen or had sex with, or you want to press past their boundaries. Other fantasies express longing for your beloved, playfulness and joy, interest in new experiences together, and/or a broadening or deepening of pleasure. Think about whether your fantasy is more about your own desires or building your marital intimacy.
How will you respond to their reaction? If they’re eager to try the fantasy, then you’ll be elated. But what if they’re not? Are you ready to share your fantasy only to have your spouse say no? You should be in a place of prioritizing intimacy above any particular fantasy. That means that if you want to do something, but your spouse isn’t up for it, you accept the answer gracefully and move on to other ideas.
Are you willing to hear their fantasies? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! Are you ready to invite your spouse to express his/her fantasy? Are you willing to encourage their fantasies about you, implement what’s suggested, and/or negotiate win-win ideas? You may learn some interesting things about your spouse as you ask your beloved to share where their mind has gone regarding your sexual intimacy.
A Final Word from the Bible
Although not about sex, of course, two biblical passages seem to be a good way to wrap up a post on sexual fantasy. When you think about how to fantasize about your spouse, consider:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.Philippians 4:8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.1 Corinthians 13:4-7