Tag Archives: wife low sex drive

Q&A with J: “A Sexual Stimulant for Women?”

Today’s question is an interesting one, from a husband wanting to help his wife’s sexual desire:

So I hate to ask this as I can see [there] being conflicting opinions on the subject but, do they make a sexual stimulant for women? As well as you know they have been making them for years for the guys but I can’t find anything that looks reliable for the woman’s side of things. My wife and I have talked about this off and on for some time and she is willing to try almost anything to help her with her almost non existent drive in the bedroom.

I write about sex drive differences, but honestly there are resources more dedicated to low libido in wives than I am. Here are just three you could take a look at:

Image result for amazon.com unlock your libido

Bonny’s OysterBed7.

Given the question, I think Bonny’s site is a particularly good resource, because she addresses the science of sex and low libido. Bonny does a great job of giving emotional encouragement, practical tips, and covers studies that show which substances do work or don’t work in lifting your libido. She also has a great book titled Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation. She’s also one of my podcast partners, and she brings her science knowledge to our Sex Chat for Christian Wives.

Boost Your Libido course.

Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor, and Vacuum has a wonderful online course for low-libido wives that walks them through reasons they might not be “feeling it” and what to do about it. She doesn’t talk supplements so much as tips, but they are helpful and might indeed boost your wife’s libido. Click below to find out more.

Dr. Oz’s List.

Confession: I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Dr. Oz. I think some of his advice is really good, and some of it is, well, opportunistic. But I found this article on his website with natural substances he suggests could boost female libido. Do they work? I’m skeptical how much of this stuff you’d have to actually eat/take to get results enough to notice a difference. But then again, why wouldn’t you just try and see for yourself? Especially when the prescribed substances include innocuous things like pumpkin seeds, walnuts, and chocolate-covered strawberries.

In addition to these resources, I suggest your wife see a doctor and get tested for hormone levels as well as deficiencies that can cause fatigue and low response, like low thyroid and anemia. Tell the doctor what exactly is happening, so she’ll know what to look for. It’s certainly possible that her physiology makes it difficult for your wife to feel desire.

But also remember that many women don’t experience a sex drive the way it’s been primarily described — as a desire for sex followed by engagement. Instead, many wives have a libido that is responsive, in that the drive is there after engagement in affection, foreplay, and sexual activity begin. There’s nothing wrong with having a responsive drive; it’s the way many of us were created. What matters instead is whether she can get into the sexual experience at all.

As for an actual sex stimulant for women? Nope, I don’t really know of anything I’d recommend. There are some shysters who will sell you something that claims to fire up a woman’s libido, but they’re not a magic pill. Stay away from anything that sounds too good to be true, because it probably is.

Like or not, sexual desire can be a delicate dance for many women. So just be patient, investigative, and willing to try various thing to see what works. I wish you all the best!

Q&A with J: When Sex Does Nothing for You

Welcome back to Q&A with J. This reader’s email was longer and included some details, but I suspect several wives will relate to this wife’s feelings about sex in her marriage.

“The thought of having sex does nothing for me. It’s only when we start or get into it when I actually am ok with it or enjoy it. But up until then, it just feels like a chore…

“I just don’t know what to do. Even if I get close to being turned on or pursuing sex, I am so easily discouraged–a child who wakes up, a negative thought, a small tiny miscommunication. Why am I so sensitive to this? Why can’t I just open up and be free and realize that it’s good and almost always enjoyable? Sometimes I will think about it during the day and in a moment of being turned on I think, ‘Ok, let’s do it tonight!’ But then the night comes, he comes home, kids go to bed, and it’s the last thing I want to do or think about.

“Is something wrong with me?”

As to whether there’s something wrong with this wife, the answer is maybe. But I think there’s a lot right with this wife. She clearly wants the best for her marriage and wants to show love to her husband, but this issue is causing difficulty and heartache.

Following are a few things I want to point out.

When Sex Does Nothing for You

See your doctor and explain your issues. Have your hormones, thyroid, etc. checked. If you’ve been on oral contraception, that can negatively affect your libido too. Just check everything out and see if there could be a physical component here. If there is, deal with it!

(Looking back at my no-sex-drive years, I now believe that I was dealing with low-level depression, and addressing that issue would have helped my libido.)

Your sexual past could also be a factor. Some wives can hold memories or resentments or bad teaching in our minds that then come out in unexpected ways — sometimes even years after. If you believe your history could play a part in this, you need to bring that subconscious to the forefront and tackle it head-on.

That could be simply by sorting through your feelings and thoughts on your own, seeing a counselor, working through a Christian intimacy book, studying the Word of God on the subject of sex, speaking with a mentor,…

What will work for you depends on your personality, resources, etc. Although really a combination of these would be best.

You don’t have to crave it beforehand to enjoy sex in the moment. You say, “The thought of having sex does nothing for me. It’s only when we start or get into it when I actually am ok with it or enjoy it.” That’s not so unusual. Too often, society and the media portray women’s and men’s sex drives the same; however, men have a tendency to become aroused and then engage in sexual activity, whereas women are more likely to choose to engage in sexual activity and then become aroused.

Once you recognize that, you can make that mental shift to: Okay, I don’t feel like having sex right now, but I’m going to set other things aside, get involved with my husband, and the intimate feelings will follow.

Figure out what makes sex not a chore for you. It sounds like sexual intimacy is a chore because it’s one more thing you’re expected to do. On a practical level, you need to figure out how to set your sex life up for success. That is, ask yourself what you need to be able to focus and enjoy sexual intimacy with your husband.

Do you need to take a few moments after he suggests sex to have a hot bubble bath, put on something that makes you feel beautiful, and light candles around the bedroom? Do you need to schedule sex one or two days a week, so you can mentally have time to prepare knowing it’s coming up? Do you need the grandparents to take the kids out for a night so you can have the place to yourselves (if properly motivated, perhaps he can make that happen)?

Sure, you can’t have a full-scale production every single time, but start thinking about what conditions make lovemaking more enjoyable for you and see where you can make them happen. Then you can approach sex not as something you must do, but something you look forward to doing.

You can also check out these posts on lower libido wives: For Wives: When You Don’t Desire Sex and More on Low Sex Drive Wives.