It’s True: Porn Can Kill Your Sex Life

I’ve been reading about porn lately, not because that’s my favorite subject, but because I saw two excellent articles about the problems with porn — from secular sources.

Time Magazine’s April 11, 2016 edition had a feature article on Porn: Why young men who grew up with Internet porn are becoming advocates for turning it off.* The author, Belinda Luscombe, did a fair job of reporting what’s happening in science and society as people discover what the Bible has said all along: Sexual intimacy isn’t about using others for your own pleasure. That approach messes with your ability to enjoy what God intended you to have.

Sexual intimacy isn't about using others for your own pleasure. God has a better plan. Click To Tweet

The focus of that article is previous porn users who discovered how their heavy porn diet impaired their ability to perform and connect with a real woman. It’s called Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED), and more doctors are seeing erectile problems with younger men. The theory is that the men are desensitized to normal sexual stimuli and require a level of imagery, intensity, and novelty that isn’t real-life. Thankfully, some of these men are speaking up against the very activity they used to frequently pursue, warning of the dangers and consequences of consuming pornography.

It's True: Porn Can Kill Your Sex Life

Then there are Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute, famous for their marriage and relationship research. Although previously proponents of using porn to increase intimacy in relationships, they have changed their minds. I encourage you to read An Open Letter on Porn. They lay out several reasons why pornography is detrimental to the user and to their significant other, including sexual arousal difficulties and mistreatment of women in porn.

Based on various studies, they conclude that “use of pornography by one partner leads the couple to have far less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction.”

Now I’ve heard the arguments that it goes the other way — for instance, a husband not having sex and experiencing low relationship satisfaction then seeks out porn to fill in the gap. But as much as I feel for those in a sexless marriage, that’s not helping!

In the long run, you’re making it harder for both of you to engage in satisfying sexual intimacy if and when the opportunity rises. You’re messing with your view of how your wife should be behave (she is not your sex toy) and how sex itself works. And you’re not satisfying yourself anyway, because you have to get more frequent and stronger stimuli to get the same “high.” Your body responds sexually, but it doesn’t respond with the satisfactory bonding you get when you make love to your wife.

Another thing that always crops up when I address porn is: What about women?! Aren’t they looking at porn? Or reading steamy romance? Yes, they are. The percentage of women viewing porn is increasing, and it’s a real concern. If any woman reading this is struggling with pornography, the one ministry I know designed to help is Dirty Girls Ministries. Check it out.

And I’ve written plenty about the problems with romance novels and erotic novels that promote terrible ideas about sexuality. Look, this is a case of “Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters” (Matthew 12:30). Anything opposed to God’s design for sex is a problem we Christians need to address.

Anything opposed to God's design for sex is a problem we Christians need to address. Click To Tweet

I’m glad that secular research is catching up to what God has said all along. The momentary pleasure of viewing pornography is too high a price and robs you of what God intended when He created sex.

If you’re in this struggle right now — either yourself or your spouse — get help. No more dithering: Today is the day. Talk to your spouse. Confess to a godly confidant. Make an appointment with a counselor. Join an accountability group. Get on your knees before God.

Don’t let this ruin your sex life. Here are a few Christian-based sites you might want to visit:

XXX Church (porn recovery for men)
Covenant Eyes (internet accountability)
Dirty Girls Ministries (for women)

Also, don’t be naive about your kids. I’ve talked with my sons about this temptation, and they’ve estimated that 70-80% of guys in their high school watch porn regularly. They’re probably right, and I bet their parents have no idea. Speak regularly with your teenagers about what God desires for their lives, including their someday sex life — which starts with making right and wise decisions now. An anti-porn site aimed specifically at youth is Fight the New Drug (not Christian, but has good overall information).

As Christians and Churches, we need to stay well-informed and outspoken against anything so against God’s design for His children and for sex in marriage. This isn’t simply a cause for us to take up and pat ourselves for doing the right thing. Our denunciation of pornography and erotica is about saving individuals, marriages, and souls.

*The Time article is available online only to subscribers. I read the article by accessing the magazine at my local library.

47 thoughts on “It’s True: Porn Can Kill Your Sex Life

  1. Keelie Reason

    The rise of porn consumption is crazy. It is so readily available. Also, we are talking about knowing the person that is sending you porn now. So many students and dating couples are snapping nudes and videos of themselves. It’s very problematic.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I also read recently how young girls feel pressured to share naked pictures with guys they want to date. It’s crazy! Such a tough world to navigate…

      Reply
      1. Libl

        I am so thankful that these days women are able to support themselves because in my opinion if 70-80% of men are regularly looking at porn, that really narrows the pickings for a husband. It is very likely my daughter may not marry, and as of right now she does not want to marry.

        Also, I desire to build her up to not need a man in the sense that she feels pressured to do what it takes to secure one. Instead, if he requests a nude, she refuses, he breaks up with her, I want her to feel like she dodged a bullet rather than lost a boyfriend.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          I understand what you’re saying, and I certainly don’t believe a woman must have a man. By the way, I had no intention of marrying when I was a teenager. I was in college before I seriously entertained the idea.

          But I don’t think all those men will continue to watch porn in adulthood. I certainly don’t do everything now that I stupidly did in my teenage years. And as the mother of young men, I see many of these boys as also being victims under attack by a horrible industry and Satan himself. Moreover, if my sons are right (and that’s certainly not a scientific number!), that leaves 20-30% of men with enormous integrity who remain committed to finding a wonderful wife to be intimate with. If I had a daughter, I’d want her to find one of those guys.

          Reply
        2. B

          As a mother of sons, I can argue the other side of this. My boys try very hard to stay pure. They are teenagers. We have filters on everything. They want to please God, they want to remain pure, they want to find wonderful, God-fearing wives to build a life with someday. Like you but from the other side, I wonder if they will even be able to find such a young lady.
          And they are human. And temptation is thrown in their face at every. single. turn. You cannot walk through the grocery store without seeing smut against your will. I feel so badly because so often I don’t even notice it until I see one of them averting their eyes. That are not perfect, but they try to do their best and to honor women. But here’s the thing, women, and many girls, make it so much harder.
          It’s getting warm here, and young women are walking around everywhere in very little clothing. We visited a college the other day, and there was a young woman with a nice figure walking around in the middle of campus in a bikini. In the northeast. In April. Now tell me she wasn’t clamoring for attention.
          My point is, let’s not vilify all men. Nor all women. I agree with J that this is a horrible attack by the enemy, on our boys, and on our girls.
          One of my friends daughters was complaining the other day that her mom made her wear a cami under her shirt for modesty. I explained to her how much I appreciate that, and how much guys appreciate a girl who makes things easier for them instead of more difficult. Modesty is actually a gift! And I don’t mean frumpy. You can still be modest and cute.
          We do not go to public school and we run in Christian circles for the most part, and still my boys are constantly bombarded by aggressive girls in various states of attention getting clothing, or lack thereof. If everyone would just be themselves instead of trying so hard to be like the world, or compete with the world, we’d all be so much better off.
          I’m not blaming girls. Im not blaming men. Im just pointing out that there are good guys out there, and while there are good girls out there, there are also many, many young women who want to flaunt everything they’ve got to gain attention, thus making the struggle for guys even harder.
          We all need to pray for each other and encourage one another and – and I’ve only recently learned this – understand who the real enemy is. It’s satan, not one another.

          Reply
          1. J Post author

            Yes, I agree completely that we should help each other out. We’re responsible for our own actions, but let’s not make it harder for the other gender.

          2. Katherine

            ‘B’ I don’t agree with your approach to this. It sounds like you think your sons are the victims here. I have been the wife of a porn addict and it ended our marriage. Of course, his ‘hobby’ also included women in public. I think there needs to be more emphasis and education to men on how they actually view woman. Women on screen are essentially prostitutes who are living a life of utter terror and misery. Women have the right to appear in public without automatically being used as sex objects….no matter what they’re wearing.
            Ironically, I am considered very pretty, gorgeous, whatever else. I get men gawking, whistling, etc every time I go out. And I absolutely despise it and feel violated. Even when I’m dressed head to toe in winter…..it still happens. To say ‘women should watch what they’re wearing’ is uniquely annoying and immature. It’s making out men are hopeless obsessed creatures who can’t view women as human beings. It would be like me walking by myself at night and if someone attacked me, it would be my fault for walking at night and the attacker ‘couldn’t help it’ and I was ‘asking for it’.
            The more we kind of give this ‘poor men’ approach, the more it feeds this attitude of objectifying women. So instead of blaming the girl in the bikini, maybe think how you can educate your sons to not automatically view women as an object. That attitude only compounds this whole issue. Teach them about human trafficking, about online prostitution. Help them see that women need to be treated with utter dignity and respect, not automatically turned into a sex object.

          3. J Post author

            I’m so sorry for your experiences. That behavior toward you is inexcusable.

            But I will say that I never fully understand this argument, in that I would absolutely never walk by myself at night in a bad area of town. Would I be “asking for” mistreatment? No. I certainly wouldn’t be the perpetrator if something happened to me. But I do believe in being wise. From the mom-of-boys aspect, I truly appreciate girls being wise in helping my boys maintain the proper perspective of women, as whole beings. I am doing everything I can on my end to teach them well and insist on them being responsible, but it does help for women to dress modestly. That doesn’t make women to blame at all for misbehavior on the part of men, but it’s a wise thing to do nonetheless. Does that make sense?

          4. B

            Katherine, I understand that everyone sees the world differently, through their own filter. I am sorry that you have been gawked at and whistled at, and I am not excusing that behavior. But please read my comment again. You will see that I state several times that I am not blaming girls, and I am not blaming men or boys. It’s not that simple. It is a heart issue. My sons do not gawk or comment or whistle at girls and women. We are doing our best to teach them to see women as precious, and as fellow human beings, fellow children of God.

            Yes, women have a right to be out in public without being seen as sex objects. I agree. But I am sure you can understand that when a woman chooses to walk around barely clothed, it is going to get attention. That attention is often negative, and it makes it very hard for almost any man not to notice the body she is trying to draw attention to. Goodness! Even I noticed the woman in the bikini walking around amongst hundreds of fully clothed people. I am sure she knew she would be getting attention and that was her goal.

            I by no means have a “poor men” attitude. I absolutely try to teach my boys to treat women with respect. In fact, in our discussions, we have often spoken to them about – when the time comes – getting to know the woman they are interested in as a whole person, and not just based on her looks.

            My point was, girls and women can help men with their thought life by dressing modestly. And I’m not talking frumpy, but booty shorts and strappy low-cut tank tops are not helpful. I very much feel it is a two way street.

            i think we should encourage our young men to view women with respect and as whole people. I think we should teach our young ladies to respect men and not to tempt them on purpose. I think we should pray for all of our children. Again, women are not the enemy. Men are not the enemy. Satan is the enemy.

            Im sorry for your experiences, and I hope I’ve explained my point of view more clearly.

        3. a. nony

          Years ago I resigned myself to the fact that in all likelihood, I would marry a man with pornography in his past. I know the stats, after all. But, though a woman should never marry (or even date!) a man who actively uses pornography, I would also advise young women not to see a man’s past sexual brokenness (or even ongoing sexual temptation) as the most important information about his sexuality.

          In other words, dudes with porn use in their past, even their recent past, aren’t necessarily non-candidates for marriage, if they also recognize, hate, confess, and fight that sin.

          Reply
  2. Becky

    Hi J,

    I was wondering if you consider the viewing of pornography (however you define it) to be more damaging to a couple’s sexual intimacy than reading and/or viewing of romance novels, erotic novels and erotica in general? (however you define it).

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I believe that porn and erotica are in the same category, with the goal of a third party and fantasy providing sexual titillation and satisfaction and teaching skewed version of sex (like violence); steamy romance novels less so; and romance novels only a problem if you don’t filter through some of the underlying messages. Does that clarify?

      Reply
      1. Becky

        So, you believe that the visuality of porn and erotica is more damaging than what one’s imagination can conjure through the reading of erotic or sexually suggestive romantic material?

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          Porn is seen, erotica is read. I think that the intensity of both porn and erotica goes way beyond romance novels and promotes unhealthy sexuality.

          Reply
          1. Libl

            I believe visual porn is more damaging because it involves real people and increases the number of people sinned against and harmed. Erotica is sinful, but does not involve trafficked girls drugged, coerced, and abused into being brutalized in real life.

          2. J Post author

            That’s true. I was solely looking at the effect on the viewer/reader, but indeed pornography is responsible for the ruining of so many lives.

          3. Becky

            Do you think that men, as an entire gender group, are sexually and emotionally more unfaithful and impure than compared to women as an entire gender group?

            This is just your best guess or perception — not a statistical certainty (which would probably be impossible to establish).

          4. J Post author

            I don’t know. I’ve seen statistics both ways, and it depends on what you measure. Like actual affairs? Emotional affairs? Porn use? ???

            I suspect it’s fairly even, although maybe we have temptations toward different sins in the sexual/emotional realm.

  3. Hilton

    Could porn include photos/images of your own spouse, j? Also,

    I have talked to men who have admitted their viagra scrip was because of the damage from porn.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I don’t think of porn as images of your own spouse, but I do think you have to be careful replacing the real thing with imagery of any kind. If someone is more into pictures of his wife than touching and being with her, then the images are harmful and they need to stay away.

      Plenty of couples, however, could use images as a tease for what comes later, not the main event itself. So I don’t have moral problems with things like spouses sending suggestive pictures through texts or whatever (although you should be careful with technology too — that may not be as secure as you think).

      Reply
  4. Greg

    beggarsdaughter.com is another great resource for women struggling with pornography addiction–Jessica, who runs the site/blog, is a gifted writer and speaker.

    Reply
  5. Ruth

    And what if your husband wants to watch movies with sex scenes in them? He says it turns him on, and then he uses that sexual energy on me, because it’s me he wants. He doesn’t understand why this bothers me. What can I say to him to make him understand why this hurts me.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I would keep talking, and if nothing got through, then I’d probably set a boundary. “I know you don’t understand, but when you watch explicit sex scenes and then use that energy to be with me, I feel used. I want to be intimate with you, but if that’s the timing, I simply can’t tune in. So I’m going to say not now and ask you to try again later when we can really connect.” Something like that.

      Reply
      1. Ruth

        Yeah I’ve said something like that. And I won’t have sex. He doesn’t watch the shows anymore, but every few months it’ll come again. While we’re looking for something to watch he’ll say “oh yeah this one looks good, probably has lots of sex in it”. He’s the guy who makes comments about a woman’s figure on tv.
        I’m tired of feeling used. I’m not sure how to work through my feelings anymore and I feel my heart hardening toward my husband.

        Reply
    1. B

      Hi Lynn,

      In my home we both talk to our boys. Sometimes I have a harder time understanding them and sometimes my protective nature starts to get the better of me, so I’ll ask my husband to handle it. I am much better now, but when they were younger I had a tendency to overreact. I grew up with sisters, and now I have all boys – so this was very new territory for me. Also, my husband is more direct, which the boys respond well to.

      We are also abundantly blessed with a church that tackles these issues often. They discuss it in youth (middle school) ministry all the way through adults. The youth pastors and small group leaders have discussed the “issues of the day” with all the young men, and I believe the women leaders discuss it with the young ladies. It’s a blessing to have this reinforcement from strong believers.

      Blessings!

      Reply
  6. IntimacySeeker

    In the face of powerful, corrupt media, we need to help boys and girls respect themselves and others. A daunting task.

    I grew up in the 60’s. I dressed provocatively in my late teens and early 20’s because I thought that was the only way to get the attention of young men. I thought the attention of young men was THE way to measure my self worth. I married because I thought it was expected. I didn’t think I had choices. I didn’t think I could support myself financially. These messages had been drilled into my psyche relentlessly for years. 50 years later, media are much more powerful.

    Reply
  7. Katherine

    Sorry J, I don’t agree with you. There are millions of women in the world dressing scantily. So if some dress modestly, there are going to be hundreds more around the corner who aren’t! Which means this is a man’s issue that they need to work out, there is nothing women should do to ‘help’ them. Women are dressing immodestly because men teach them they have to look a certain way. None of this makes any sense to me but it seems like women defend men too much surrounding this issue. I really don’t agree that a few women dressing more modestly is going to make it easier for men. There is imagery everywhere for them to indulge in so they will always get their ‘fix’ somehow. It sounds to me like no man is interested in being faithful & satisfied with one woman. Interestingly, men seem to know how to not see their teen daughter as a sex object, so why can’t they with other women too.

    Reply
  8. Katherine

    B, how do you actually know the girl in the bikini’s motives. You’ve no right to treat her as a temptress. Is she a victim of sexual abuse, is her father or boyfriend addicted to porn, has she been hurt some way sexually that has caused her to dress in that way. You can’t simply write her off & judge her the way you seem to be. Every one of us has been through things that other people don’t know about. It comes back to men’s responsibility to not automatically sexualize her. It is also wrong to say that men would quickly notice her body. Many men would do quite the opposite & quickly turn away. They are not hopeless creatures so don’t make out they are. As I’ve tried to explain, you cannot change the world by just some women dressing appropriately. That simply isn’t possible because there are still millions who won’t so this is an issue men need to deal with themselves.

    Reply
  9. Katherine

    B, to add to my other comment I just posted….here is something for you to think about when you describe the girl blatantly wandering around in a bikini. Umm….how are men supposed to cope when visiting a beach if you say they will be tempted by and look at the body of a girl in a bikini? The beach is crammed full of girls and women in bikinis. What are men and boys supposed to do then. Not go to the beach?? Because that sounds like what you’re suggesting here. Which brings me back to my point…..men need to learn how to control themselves because there will always be places bombarded with women wearing less than what is ideal. You can’t go to a beach and demand that every single girl/woman covers up. You’re just not being realistic. This is a responsibility men have to learn to deal with. There are plenty of books and resources available for this.

    Reply
  10. Louye

    Well J I’ll give you an I agree with you on this one. Porn is damaging on sooooooo many levels. Bible wise, easy to blow porn use out of the water. Matthew 5:28. My oldest girl is understanding about dressing modestly, and she thinks it’ll help her find the right guy when that time comes. Very proud of the kid, she is getting it.

    I just had to chime in because someone here is taking you to task for things you have not said. In the months I have been reading this blog I have never seen you state anything other than someone is solely responsible for their own porn/erotica/romance novel problem. Sure, a girl not dressing like a tramp can help a fella out in avoiding lusty issues, but that does not place the responsibility for someone guarding their own mind upon someone else, and I have never seen you advocate such a silly position.

    Keep up the good work,
    Louye

    Reply
  11. Katherine

    Louye, my comments are not directed at Julie. Maybe you should reread properly. You sound very defensive. But there are many books & resources available to teach men to live in this society. Assuming you are female, please think about who’s side you are on. Women are always going to dress scantily in comparison with those who don’t. I’m not sure you understand the point that if men find it such an issue, how can they visit the beach? Julie’s blog is great. However I’ll make this my last comment on this post & won’t read anymore replies. Check out Fierce Marriage 6 reasons men should watch where they look. It gives excellent mature advice on this topic. People are sticking up too much for men. Try reading a man speaking to men. I think that article will help you. All the best & I hope your daughter is actually allowed to wear togs at least!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      (And a quick note to Katherine, based on a second comment she left just for me…I was out on a date with my hubby. I don’t sit by my computer and approve comments right as they come in. Sometimes it takes a while, because I’m out doing something else. Just so you know…)

      Reply
      1. Doug H.

        I read thru all of this, and I see a lot of comments seemingly intending to make both men and or women, the villians, or the victims, depending on the perspective of the writer.

        Here is truth. I was immersed into pornography for much of my 30+ year marriage. I could say that as a nonbeliever, that I had an excuse, or that I didn’t know any better. Still, it created enough shame that it was something I never spoke of, except to lie about it and deny it when I knew I had been caught, and to justify it when the lies didn’t work.

        I found Christ not quite a year ago, and my single biggest priority, second only to my relationship with Him, has been to restore my marriage to what God intended. It isn’t easy to remember who I was, there is a massive amount of guilt or grief to overcome, but with the help of some wonderful people, I’m at least on that journey.

        Here is the deal, for everyone who wants to point their fingers one way or another. It is the mans problem, but there are obstacles to overcome at every single turn. You can not go to the grocery store and walk thru the checkout line without being assaulted by images. You can not flip thru the channels on the TV without accidentally seeing something.

        Porn is a problem, no doubt, but it is not THE problem. The problem is in the hearts of both men and women, and the stigma that is attached to this one sin that makes it seem so much worse than any other sin. In my recovery group, we have more people discussing their alcoholism or drug addiction that ther are those talking about their porn use, because there is less shame attached to either of those than there is porn. There are certainly more porn users than those struggling with chemical dependency, so it seems that it would come up at least as often, but that isn’t the case. You people commenting are by and large responsible for adding to that shame.

        Porn was not my only failure. At a point where our marriage was really not what it should have been, both of our faults, I was unfaithful to my wife. That also has been confessed, and we are both moving past that. The point is, that as awful as that is, it is easier for me to talk about than my past porn use. That should speak directly to how much shame is associated with porn.

        You women making it a line in the sand, that you would leave your men if he fell. I feel sorry for you, and them, because if the statistics are accurate, many of you are being lied to, and he is living in shame and fear, because it can’t be spoken of, and what can not be discussed, can’t be fixed.

        I get it, porn is vile, and disgusting, but no more so than a proud, unforgiving heart.

        I am so blessed to be married to a woman who sees all of me, good and bad, and chooses to focus on the good. I have not made it easy for her in the past. We both made mistakes along the way, but we have a wonderful, strong marriage, and are more in love than ever.

        Now, I am very much involved in doing what I can to help those who are fighting this battle, including speaking truth the wives hurt by good men who stumbled or those who will in the future, and speaking honestly to the men who are trying to get free, about how good it can be, when you are.

        I hope everyone has a blessed day.

        Reply
        1. Lisa

          Doug, stay strong in faith. Remember nothing is impossible through faith in the Almighty. You gave a strong testament which can help many struggling with this extremely difficult stronghold. Your wife is a great support and may she be blessed. You are both winners for staying committed to each other. It is so wonderful to see there are men like yourself who are fighting the good fight of faith and overcoming this destructive evil force. All the best and stay strong brother.

          Reply
  12. Louye

    Katherine,

    My apologies, I took “Sorry J, I don’t agree with you” to be a comment directed at Julie, given that her name starts with J, and she sometimes goes by J. A bit of confusion there, that’s all. Defensive? Sure, I was. I was defensive about someone accusing somebody I have respect for for of doing something they did not do. If you took that as defending somebody else, again I am sorry. Just a bit of confusion is all. My daughter wears what she chooses. As far as togs, I’m not really sure what that is. I looked up the term just now, and got a range from specialized clothes in general to swimwear. As far as what side I am on, I am on God’s side, or at least I want to be. I don’t choose how to view an issue based upon my gender, looking at the opposite gender as a rival. As for the rest of your reply, that has nothing to do with me, so I won’t comment on it.

    You assumed incorrectly, or else I have really been pulling one over on my wife.

    My ultimate point was that I agree with the premise of the blog entry itself, porn can kill your sex life….and in more ways than one.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I always go by J here, and that’s my preferred name on this website. But it’s not like I’m not a witness protection program, so sometimes… 😉

      Reply
  13. Doug H.

    Katherine,

    I am deeply sorry for what you went thru. I can not imagine how hurt you were, and how betrayed you felt. In a way, that is a good thing, because I am already overwhelmed with shame, guilt and grief for the way my wife must have felt.

    She never once let on how hurt she was, and if I saw a response, it was always anger. I didn’t understand where the anger came from, because it seemed such a trivial matter to me. I was wrong. I wonder if your ex-husband ever knew anything besides anger. I ask that, because I could always take my wifes anger, and her responses, and use that as further justification. I didn’t feel respected, I didn’t feel loved, and I certainly didn’t feel like giving something up that I thought made me feel good, for someone who seemingly spent most of her time making me feel like less than a man. Sex was only one part of our problems, but it was significant in and of itself.

    Either one of us had justification to ask for an exit, and while I never asked, I did offer at one time. I think that was a wakeup, and we tried to patch things up for awhile, but ultimately, without having a good path forward we fell into old ways for another 15 years.

    My wife loved me, and I loved her, but without real communication, there was little healing going forward, and still a lot of hurt and anger both ways.

    I didn’t learn how I was breaking her heart from her. I read it in random forum posts, testimony after testimony, from women who not only vented their anger, but also their pain, their self doubt, and all the other aspects of being made to feel less than you were, by the vile act of an otherwise decent person who they had trusted to never hurt them, but rather to cherish and protect them.

    My eyes were opened, and overnight, I was a former porn user.
    It took another month before I was able to let Christ in my heart, but it was my own wife who showed me that path. After I confessed to what she had known all along, and asked for her forgiveness, half expecting my marriage to be over for good, all I got was LOVE AND GRACE.

    Now I am on a mission of sorts. It isn’t my mission, but Christs, I think. Sometimes it puts me in uncomfortable surroundings, talking about what nobody will address head on. I aplreciate the Blogg J has put out, but I find this arguement to be tepid, and likely ineffective, and almost a sales gimmic. Everything she said in her post is true, but it falls so short of the real truth.
    Porn hurts people. It breaks hearts, destroys families, makes slaves of otherwise good men. For all the media buzz about homosexuality being an assault on marriage, it pales in comparrison to the damage that porn does, and yet, nobody is tackling it head on. I hear it slipped into a sermon here and there. It’s a sin, don’t do it. That is like going after a wildfire with a squirtgun.

    Your husband was every much the victim of his sin that you were. I don’t excuse a single thing I did, and I freely, but sadly admit to it all. I was not a horrible person tho I behaved horribly. At the same time, as I said, anger and recrimination did not heal my heart. Truth, Love, and Grace did that.

    Since my own recovery, I have made friends, and one of the startling observations I have made, is that the men who fight this battle and win, are the ones who have their wives in the battle with them, not against them.

    I don’t know any of the facts in your case, and I make no assumptions. I would ask a single question tho, and only you know the answer. Many things might influence that. Is it too late to get back into the battle?

    Reply
  14. Doug H.

    Katherine,

    I am deeply sorry for what you went thru. I can not imagine how hurt you were, and how betrayed you felt. In a way, that is a good thing, because I am already overwhelmed with shame, guilt and grief for the way my wife must have felt.

    She never once let on how hurt she was, and if I saw a response, it was always anger. I didn’t understand where the anger came from, because it seemed such a trivial matter to me. I was wrong. I wonder if your ex-husband ever knew anything besides anger. I ask that, because I could always take my wifes anger, and her responses, and use that as further justification. I didn’t feel respected, I didn’t feel loved, and I certainly didn’t feel like giving something up that I thought made me feel good, for someone who seemingly spent most of her time making me feel like less than a man. Sex was only one part of our problems, but it was significant in and of itself.

    Either one of us had justification to ask for an exit, and while I never asked, I did offer at one time. I think that was a wakeup, and we tried to patch things up for awhile, but ultimately, without having a good path forward we fell into old ways for another 15 years.

    My wife loved me, and I loved her, but without real communication, there was little healing going forward, and still a lot of hurt and anger both ways.

    I didn’t learn how I was breaking her heart from her. I read it in random forum posts, testimony after testimony, from women who not only vented their anger, but also their pain, their self doubt, and all the other aspects of being made to feel less than you were, by the vile act of an otherwise decent person who they had trusted to never hurt them, but rather to cherish and protect them.

    My eyes were opened, and overnight, I was a former porn user.
    It took another month before I was able to let Christ in my heart, but it was my own wife who showed me that path. After I confessed to what she had known all along, and asked for her forgiveness, half expecting my marriage to be over for good, all I got was LOVE AND GRACE.

    Now I am on a mission of sorts. It isn’t my mission, but Christs, I think. Sometimes it puts me in uncomfortable surroundings, talking about what nobody will address head on. I aplreciate the Blogg J has put out, but I find this arguement to be tepid, and likely ineffective, and almost a sales gimmic. Everything she said in her post is true, but it falls so short of the real truth.
    Porn hurts people. It breaks hearts, destroys families, makes slaves of otherwise good men. For all the media buzz about homosexuality being an assault on marriage, it pales in comparrison to the damage that porn does, and yet, nobody is tackling it head on. I hear it slipped into a sermon here and there. It’s a sin, don’t do it. That is like going after a wildfire with a squirtgun.

    Your husband was every much the victim of his sin that you were. I don’t excuse a single thing I did, and I freely, but sadly admit to it all. I was not a horrible person but I was a person who behaved horribly. At the same time, as I said, anger and recrimination did not heal my heart. Truth, Love, and Grace did that.

    Since my own recovery, I have made friends who are also involved in the war, and one of the startling observations I have made, is that the men who fight this battle and win, are the ones who have their wives in the battle with them, not against them.

    I don’t know any of the facts in your case, and I make no assumptions. I would ask a single question tho, and only you know the answer. Many things might influence that. Is it too late to get back into the battle with your husband? It can be won.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thank you for sharing your testimony and your encouragement for Katherine.

      I don’t know how this could be called “tepid,” given the title that Porn KILLS Sex Lives. And marriages. And souls. And I certainly reject the “sales gimmick” thing (what money am I making from this?), but I greatly appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your own story and I pray for true healing.

      Reply
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