Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage and I have a lot in common. We both enjoy baseball, wine, the beach, sex, and writing about sex. (Plus, we share a name. Shh.)
Hopefully, you already follow her blog, where her posts are biblical, practical, and funny. But I’m more than thrilled to have her on the blog today. All I had to do was
hold her bourbon hostage offer a nice invite, and she was eager to come on! Thanks, Julie. Take it away!
Several years ago, the book The Millionaire Next Door became a bestseller. The premise of the book is that many of the people who build financial stability and wealth do not look wealthy. They don’t have all the calling cards that we typically associate with wealth — extravagant houses, cars, and clothes.
The book came to my mind recently, but not for financial reasons. Just like we often have a narrow perspective on who is financially wealthy, we also can miss the mark on who we think is having great sex.
We likely can blame Hollywood for this. Storytellers are pros at making us believe that a perfectly proportioned body, stunning hair and make-up, and gorgeous eyes are the only pathways to truly great sex. But being physically beautiful by society’s standards isn’t what equates to phenomenal sex. There are a lot of average looking people experiencing indescribable passion and pleasure in their bedroom.
You don’t have to be strikingly beautiful physically to enjoy passionate lovemaking. If you struggle with body image and think you can’t have great sex because your abs aren’t flat, your arms are flabby and you have wrinkles around your eyes, consider the below three tips to gain a healthier perspective:
1. Start noticing how average most people are.
There’s that old adage that if you are thinking of buying a red car, you suddenly see red cars everywhere. It’s like you put an image in your mind, and your mind said, “Check! I’m on it. Let me show you every red car I can find!”
If you feel sexually inhibited because you don’t feel your body looks stellar, it may be because you’ve kept an eagle eye out for people more attractive than yourself. You’ve let a self-fulfilling prophecy play out in your heart daily, and that perspective is glaringly biased toward seeing physically beautiful people. What a crappy comparison that always leads to the same place — you believing you are ill-equipped to have great sexual confidence and sexual passion.
But here’s the thing. If you stand back and take a broader, more objective look, you’ll see that the majority of people are not stunningly beautiful by society’s standards. Most people look average. They are real people; not a photoshopped or professionally-styled version of a real person, which is what we see on TV, in movies and on magazine covers.
Do some people have remarkable natural beauty? Well, sure. But they are the exception, not the rule. Start looking around and you’ll see what I mean.
Just like there are a lot of millionaires who don’t look like millionaires, there also are a lot of average people having great sex. Can you start to embrace that perspective? Doing so likely will boost your motivation to pursue more sexual passion with the person you married — you know, that person who also is fairly average looking.
2. Shed light (literally and figuratively).
I have a friend who told me once that she never has sex with the lights on because she is so self-conscious about her body. And yet her husband longed to enjoy the visual stimulation of enjoying not only her skin next to his, but also the freedom to see her.
If you can relate to this struggle, consider this. A little light in the room when you make love can help you grow in your sexual confidence. When we insist on making love in the dark or under the covers in an effort to hide, we are diminishing a passionate aspect of sex — visually enjoying each other. Literally shedding light on the situation can be as simple as having the closet light on, turning on a bedside lamp or lighting a few candles.
You can figuratively shed light as well by having a heart-to-heart conversation with your spouse. If you struggle with body image and you think it is why you are hesitant to fully lean in to sexual passion, then tell your spouse about your struggle. Express your desire to grow in sexual confidence. Ask for what you need. If you need more specific affirmation about your body, share this need with your spouse.
Getting comfortable in your own skin can be a joint endeavor, but it has to start with you shedding some light.
3. Agree with God about passionate sex.
God is so generous. He could have designed sex for only procreation, but instead, in all His creativity, He opened the floodgates on how amazing sex can be. He designed sexual intimacy as a treasure trove of arousal, pleasure, and oneness.
And nowhere does God tell us passionate hot sex is just for the pretty people. Nope.
He says, “All you married folks, enjoy! Delight in your spouse sexually, even if they don’t have toned legs. Have sex as often as possible! Go for it! Don’t hold back in savoring your orgasm and your spouse’s orgasm. It doesn’t matter that neither of you will ever be photoshopped onto a magazine cover. I don’t care about any of that. I created sexual pleasure for all the married people, not just the ones who have mesmerizing eyes and big breasts and an uncanny ability to style their hair.”
Okay, I’m paraphrasing a bit, but you get the idea. God is a huge fan of sex because it was His gift for married people. He wants you to enjoy the gift now, rather than hold off until you lose the weight or clear up the acne or get a new wardrobe. He gave you the gift of sex to savor throughout your married journey — all the seasons and all the messy moments that are inherent to marriage.
Letting body image sabotage intimacy with the person you adore does nothing more than downplay God’s truths for your marriage. Who among us wants to say to God, “Nah, Lord, I think you must have meant the gift for someone else.” Um, not me. And I’m guessing not you either.
To come full circle, I will say this. The millionaires I personally know — they don’t look like millionaires. And all the people I know who say sex in their marriage is great? They don’t look like movie stars. They look average. They look like you and me.
For more reading, I have this post on sexual confidence and whole page with posts on body image.
You also have a few more days to get in on an opportunity I have for you to Build Better Sex in Your Marriage. You can find it at this link. The offer is available until June 14 and includes awesome bonuses, so I encourage you to take a look. Could be a great investment in your relationship!
Julie Sibert speaks and writes out of her own journey about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Nebraska with her husband, two sons and a rambunctious dog named Stella who is trying to destroy the yard.
J here – If you missed it, be sure to check out our Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast episode on orgasm, where Julie Sibert joined our “virtual kitchen table” conversation!
16 thoughts on “Do Average People Have Rock Star Sex? YES!”
Well, if all those rediculously magazines are any indication, I’d say movie stars and rock stars have the worst sex of anyone. How can you have good sex when you are always divorcing, or sneaking off to see your secret boyfriend of his island, or beating off papparazi when you try to go on vacation, or worrying about whether you’ll end up on the “worst beach body” edition, or spend 8- months a year on tour with groupies throwing themselves at you all the time, or high and drink most of the time, or 14-hour days on set shooting with months of prep time where you spend 4-6 hours a day in the gym to fit into your lycra body suite or have the 8-pack abs for your shirtless shot? I always feel sorry for those people. It seems like their personal lives and relationships are almost invariably a mess.
Alternatively, there exists an entire industry that publishes fanfiction about real people as a matter of course. In which case 1) those fanfiction writers are horrible masochists for torturing their characters so and 2) i really don’t know what it says about people buying and reading that stuff. You know you can get fanfics online for free right?
I love this. My husband and I have some pretty amazing sex and we are just regular people. I personally don’t struggle with comparing myself to others generally. I’m way fatter than I was when we got married, and I’ve got some wrinkles and a few gray hair, but I am actually very confident. I think I look good and so does my husband. And I think he’s the sexiest man ever. We have sex with the lights on pretty much every time we have sex. So turning the lights off is something different for us. ?
I’ve met a few and seen some famous people and professional models over the years in person without all the glam, even they don’t look like what magazines make them look like. If you look closely at them, most of them have the same flaws you do. Or some other flaws. And if they don’t have them now, give it 10 years and they will be older and probably have some. Hahaha. And a lot of famous people aren’t really that far above average looking. They just have good makeup artists and hair stylists and people who dress them. Lol.
My husband and I use Christmas Lights — about 3 extra long strands — above our bed on the ceiling. It gives just the right amount of soft, romantic light that is a win-win for both of us. Plenty of light for my husband to see all … and soft light that helps me relax. And it makes for a beautiful effect with all the colors bouncing off the walls and us as we make love.
It’s an awesome!
Christmas lights for the win! I’d really love to install pretty string lights all over our bedroom.
I love having lights like that in our bedroom. We have a string of battery operated lights that are just on top of a dresser and then we also have some rope lighting that’s tucked behind our vaulted ceiling trim. It’s the perfect amount of light for some fun.
My H and I have most our sex in the daytime so full light, but it doesnt bother me, we are average looking people and old to boot, haha but that doesnt take away from our Rock star sex!!!
Loved this one! All very true. One more horrible side effect of comparing our lives to others. One of the ten commandments is not to covey. That means we should be happy with what God gave us not what we want or what he gave to the pretty waitress or stunning movie star who we wish we looked like. It’s so hard but so needed to find happiness with what we have been given and enjoy what’s in front of us. I was so unhappy for yrs and started praying for God to help me see my blessings and not to compare myself to other women …he did and it changed everything about my life.
To have “rock star sex”, both partners need to be giving. In my casual observation, the most attractive people tend to be less giving. I am saying the basically the same thing as poster #1.
I love the first point about how you will see what you’re looking for. If you struggle with your body, all around you will see people with that desired trait or body. But if you just look for happy marriages, you will find they belong to a huge diversity of people in every way!
Does not Ephesians speak directly to husbands about healing a wife’s negative body perception by their speech? “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church… cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.”
My husband gets to have rock star sex because he makes me feel like the sexiest woman on earth. I am aging and overweight, and I never was a very good-looking woman. But when I see my husband is aroused and full of desire for me, I feel fantastic – and he gets the benefit. Sisters, please believe your husband when he tells you he likes to see you!
Amen lynn!!!!!!! Its hard to be a man who likes curvy women. The parts we want to see and enjoy are the parts they try their hardest to cover up.
This reminds me that a lot of women don’t believe they’re sexy when pregnant. We have four kids (that’s 36 months of pregnancy}. How can a wife NOT be sex appealing when she’s carrying your child? The God who told said ” become one flesh,” also said “be fruitful and multiply.”
“One flesh” also implies getting naked often, and both of you enjoying it. But possibly the hottest years of marriage are those between menopause–after a wife has finally learned to accept her husband’s compliments and when aging slows you both down, at 65+. As for those fleshy parts, the phrase “joints of her thighs” (KJV of S of S) can also be rendered “cheeks of her bottom.” Love it, wives!
I would definitely categorize myself as a fairly normal, average bodied gal. I am a smallish size, but I have sagging mom breasts, saddlebags, cellulite, and occasional acne. My husband-to-be is a former model – he looks younger than his age, is 6’3″, athletic and has the kind of eyes women want to drown themselves in. And dimples. (Lord have mercy!) When I first got to know him it was a little hard to believe he was attracted to me – not just to my personality (which is amazing by the way – I truly am a lovely lady) but also to my looks. I see myself as average. He sees me as extraordinary. I know our sex will be amazing and mind blowing because of several factors. We love each other’s personality strengths, we support each other’s goals, we are creative together and are open about our struggles and failures. AND we communicate about sex!!! We have taken the initiative to talk about sex openly, explicitly and specifically. No touching beyond kissing – just talking. Everything is laid out on the table. So even though we are just engaged and not in the tangible side of the act yet our minds are filled with only each other – and it’s amazing.
Congratulations, and may your marriage have many years of blessing. I certainly believe marriages are best when both spouses feel they’ve “married up.” 😉
Comments are closed.