Merriam-Webster defines foreplay as “erotic stimulation preceding sexual intercourse.” Others call it the lead-up to the main event.

But what if foreplay isn’t the precedent or the lead-up but the sweetest part of sexual intimacy in marriage? Or at least an equally good part?

Are You Focused on the Destination?

Intercourse and climax are worthy destinations! Both husbands and wives have shared that PIV (penis-in-vagina) penetration and orgasm are physically and emotionally satisfying aspects of sexual intimacy. And I’ve said a lot about the importance of those over the years.

But imagine having intercourse and climax in your marriage without the other stuff. Picture no affection, no flirting, no romance, no nonsexual touch, no sensual touch, no caressing body parts not required to engage in intercourse. Would you say that sexual contact is intimate? Of course not!

And if you related to that picture I just drew about no other stuff, it’s time to set some boundaries, talk to someone, and get help. That approach isn’t what God wants for you and your marriage.

Hooray for Anticipation!

Foreplay builds anticipation, which increases sexual satisfaction.

If I had you all in a room with your spouses, we could run an experiment. I’d say, “Everyone lean in for a kiss with your beloved but stop once you’re an inch or less away from one another’s lips.” Then I’d set a timer for several seconds or so and ask what your mind and body were feeling during those almost kissing moments. Some would report feeling awkward, but many would report their bodies buzzing with a desire to close that narrow gap. If you closed that gap after time was up, your kiss was likely a satisfying one.

Why? Anticipation.

Anticipation of a pleasurable event alters how we experience the event. Anticipation reduces anxiety, triggers heightened senses so that the experience is more vivid, and releases dopamine (the reward chemical) even before the reward arrives.

Engaging in foreplay—whether flirting, kissing, caressing, or something more intense—makes us anticipate intercourse and orgasm with a greater readiness and desire. And when sex finally occurs, it’s simply more satisfying.

Hooray for Exploration!

Foreplay (done well) involves exploration that builds connection.

How does your spouse like to be kissed? Touched? Fondled? Where do they like to be kissed? Touched? Caressed? When do they like to be… Okay, you get the point. The best way to learn what turns your beloved on is foreplay.

Approach foreplay as an opportunity to discover and appreciate who your spouse is. What words put a sparkle in their eyes? What sexy nickname or playful euphemism makes them smile? Do they enjoy cuddling or dancing together? Are their ears, neck, or nipples especially sensitive? What are their erogenous zones? How do they enjoy being massaged? Do they enjoy undressing, or being undressed, slowly? Do they enjoy manual stimulation or oral sex?

The answers to these—and many other—questions can be answered by trying out different modes of foreplay, asking for feedback, and adapting to your mate’s preferences. In doing so, you demonstrate interest in and honor for your spouse, come away with a better understanding of their sexuality, and help your spouse feel seen and loved. All of which lead to more emotional safety and deeper connection.

Hooray for Pleasure!

Foreplay provides deep pleasure all on its own.

God created sex to feel good to both husband and wife. He made our skin more sensitive, provided erogenous zones beyond our genitalia, and planted a desire in us to engage and touch in ways that arouse and excite us. And it’s interesting that He did this with humans in a different way than the animals He created.

In most animal species, foreplay tends to be about attracting a reproductive partner or preparing their bodies to mate. Yet, humans have a broader range of sexual activities that we can enjoy simply because they feel good. What a blessing!

Of course, if foreplay doesn’t feel good, return to point #2 up there—exploration. Figure out what feels good! And linger in that. Savor it. Value it for its own sake.

It’s a beautiful thing that we can bring pleasure to our spouse. Indeed, many husbands report that, as much as they enjoy sexual encounters for their own pleasure, they get more satisfaction seeing the pleasure they can give their wives. Many wives feel the same about their husbands.

So let’s lean into foreplay and the pleasure we can find there.

The Journey Matters as Much as the Destination.

You might think of other reasons why foreplay is well worth the time and effort in marriage. One other reason that came to my mind is that having a good foreplay repertoire prepares you well for times when intercourse is off the table, but other sexual activities are available that can keep you romantically and physically connected.

Speaking of activities, Juli Slattery of Authentic Intimacy notes that there’s a big difference between sexual activity and sexual intimacy. She’s 100% right!

Just getting the deed done isn’t enough to have a sexual intimacy in marriage. Rather, we should experience a good journey on our way to the destination of intercourse. That involves individual sexual wholeness, a healthy relationship, and enjoyable-for-both foreplay.

So three cheers for foreplay!

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I wasn’t trying to become a Christian sex author and speaker. But as I explain in My Story:

God has had His hand on my sex life. I know where I’d be without Him. While some people’s faith testimonies are easily proclaimed in public, my biggest witness is not. How do I admit in the middle of a Bible class that my Amazing Grace moment should be sung “that saved a wench like me”?

You see, I had a premarital promiscuous past, and that baggage stuck with me for a long time. But God redeemed me, blessed my marriage with sexual intimacy, and sent me into conversations with wives about understanding sex as a gift. It became a calling, then a blog, and finally a ministry.

Sexual Baggage Is Inevitable

No one enters marriage without sexual baggage. For some, it’s like a backpack holding a few wrong messages about romance or men/women, mild body image issues, that sort of thing. For others, it’s a heavy trunk with the effects of past sexual trauma, childhood abuse, demand or force within a relationship, etc. Many of us fall in between those extremes.

But no matter who we are and what we experienced, we absorbed myths about ourselves, our partners, and sex itself that don’t align with God’s plan. How long it takes to work that out and what help you need depends on how much baggage you have.

Working that out, however, is a worthy goal! You likely have more than one piece of luggage, so you may need to take each in turn to get through to the other side. That other side being where God wants us to be—delighting in His gift of healthy and holy sexual intimacy.

About My Baggage

I dragged into my marriage multiple issues, including body image concerns, fear of abandonment, and especially guilt from the sexual encounters I had before my marriage. As I said, rather frankly, in My Story:

Through high school and college, I became a curious participant, then technical virgin, and finally slut.

In my mid-twenties, however, I realized how steeped I was in the negative consequences of handling this ever-so-serious business as flippantly as I would choose an ice cream flavor. I’d ponder for a while how far I’d go with a guy, but I never walked out of the store without getting a scoop of What-were-you-thinking!

But why did I do all that to begin with? Why was I such a “curious participant”? And why did I find it so difficult to stop doing what I didn’t really want to do? Why was promiscuity so appealing?

I’ve hinted at reasons before, but today, I’m ready to tell you a whole lot more. Why? Because everyone who might have been negatively affected by me openly sharing about my past is gone.

My father died 10 years ago, and my mother has advanced dementia such that I’m familiar and she enjoys seeing me, but she doesn’t know who I am. My parents’ siblings have all passed. And my oldest sister has severe dementia as well, due to strokes. Leaving just me and my other sister who supports me speaking up.

Why Some Women Sleep Around

I don’t speak for all women of course! But my tale is likely to be relatable for some wives out there. And that is why I’m telling it today. Perhaps my story will help you better identify yours and find your way to God’s redemption.

I grew up as a preacher’s kid, but what was presented to the world and what happened inside my house were quite different. To the congregation, my father was a jovial, compassionate man who spoke well, had a great sense of humor, and was enjoyable to be around. But at home, we walked on eggshells, not sure when the next explosion might occur. Yes, he could be jovial, humorous, and enjoyable. But he could also be critical, controlling, and cruel.

He abused my mother in ways that I cannot begin to describe. One mercy is that I never saw him hit her, but when I was in 8^th grade and my mom announced that she was leaving my dad because he’d beaten her, I didn’t bat an eye. It was in keeping with who I knew him to be.

My parents didn’t divorce (then). They reconciled. But when I reached my teens, I no longer wanted physical affection from the man who’d also lose his temper and scream at me, his red face inches from mine. I pulled away.

Meanwhile, when I reached puberty, I looked like a 13-year-old girl and that’s where my body stayed until I had kids. I had little-to-no breasts, a straight build, and not much on the backside either. My one saving grace was good legs! (Maybe because of marching band?) Plus, I was somewhat awkward, at least until high school. And by then, my body image was pretty solidified as “not attractive.” It didn’t help that both of my older sisters were gorgeous. By comparison, I felt like the ugly duckling.

So here I was, not getting male affection from my father anymore but still wanting it. Also, my sense was that guys would be seriously settling to pick me out of the available girls out there, so I needed an edge. Add to that a family and church atmosphere that took the attitude toward sex of DON’T: don’t do it, don’t talk about it, don’t even think about it. And being a curious person, that made me all the more interested.

Fooling around became my way of getting male attention, feeling better about my body, and satisfying my curiosity. But of course, that’s no way to build a relationship. Pretty soon, my sexual partner would lose interest and leave. Teenage Me responded by upping my willingness and, to be honest, working on my “skills.” If I could make it really good for him, he’d want me, right? He’d stay, right? He’d reassure me that I was worthy of his love, right?

You can see how this created a downward spiral. I’d get a guy, engage sexually with him, and eventually lose him. Sometimes, I broke up, but more often, I was rejected.

Enter fear of abandonment.

My luggage was stacking up.

Are You Tired of Dragging It Around?

We tend to grow tired of dragging our sexual baggage long before we’re ready to let it go. After all, while costing us in the long run, it often serves a short-term purpose.

When I slept with a guy, he almost always held me afterward. And that affection spoke to an empty place inside me that longed for comfort. Looking back, I see it as a glimpse of what God intended when you pursue His way. But done my own way, that comfort was fleeting. And left me feeling more hollow than before.

I made choices that led to my sexual baggage.

But some of you have baggage that wasn’t your choice at all. If you experienced trauma, you may have reacted in ways that helped you survive … yet don’t serve you well now. Still, you clutch it, unsure what would happen if you didn’t have that coping mechanism. Or maybe not knowing how to let go.

I lived with my burden for years and years. In fact, I leaned further and further into my bad choices. Once I crossed the line—aka “lost my virginity” (what a stupid phrase!)—I figured I was damaged goods anyway, so why bother trying to go back? My baggage just got heavier, until I felt smothered by it.

Where Does Healing Begin?

Jesus Christ invites us:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28–30

But it took me several times of going to Jesus to finally accept that He had it covered. I really could let it go. God forgave me long before I received His forgiveness. So if you’ve tried and tried but still feel the weight of your past, the heaviness of lies you believed, the guilt of your actions, try again. It worked for David. It worked for Peter. It worked for me.

And remember that you’re not alone. You may worry about being judged, but again, no one enters marriage without sexual baggage. No one. We’re also invited in Scripture to: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Although it was difficult to confess my promiscuous past, once I did, I received disapproval from a few fellow believers but support and encouragement from far more. Some found my authenticity refreshing and even inspiring. I broke the taboo by speaking about my experience with sex, and others came to see that we can and should talk about it. And that God has answers.

Those answers may include help from mature believers. I searched the scriptures to better understand God’s design for sex, but I also read books, watched a few video series, and had private conversations with trustworthy friends. I’ve also seen professional counselors through the years to process my family-of-origin issues and learn healthier approaches.

I’m still a work in process! But if you’d known J. Parker at age 22, you’d have NEVER guessed she’d have a ministry helping wives and couples pursue godly sexual intimacy in their marriages. If anything comes of my 16 years writing and speaking about sex, it’s this hope: God didn’t give up on me, and He won’t give up on you.

Jesus is the hero of your story. You walk into the Hotel of Marriage hauling a whole set of luggage carrying the lies, hurts, fears, and more that you picked up along the way, and He says, “Just go up to the room and relax. I’ll take care of these.”

We all have sexual baggage. Maybe it’s time to finally let go.

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Today, I’m doing something different. I’ve been reading through old journals, came across one with a poem I wrote in 1998, and decided to share it with y’all!

Before You Read It…

A bit of background. I grew up with a domineering father and a conflict-avoidant mother who catered to him. I concluded early on that I didn’t want that kind of relationship! I wanted to be a strong woman who didn’t need a man. In fact, I didn’t even want a man. I simply wouldn’t get married.

While in college, I decided: Okay, maybe I’ll get married, but I’ll be very clear-headed about it all. No big romance. Companionship and passion, fine. But I didn’t much need the rest.

By the time I finished college, however, I was not married and totally over dating. No more men. No, thank you.

Enter my future husband. I really didn’t see it coming. I’d moved to a new city where I knew no one with the plan of doing my own thing without worrying about anyone else. And at the first church singles event I attended, I met a guy who looked familiar … and turned out to be my next-door neighbor. Eight months later, I married the boy next door. (More about our story here.)

Six years later, I wrote a poem in my journal that showed my shift from a desire to be entirely independent to a longing for interdependence. And a bit of romance now and again.

Why am I sharing it with y’all? For one thing, some of you may relate. But also, it could be worth sharing with your spouse to discuss what you really want in your marriage. Are there things you once said you didn’t care about, but now you do? What would be “nice” for you in your relationship today?

And Now, the Poem

I said, “I don’t need flowers or love songs sung to me.

You’d be wasting your time to write me lines of mushy poetry.

There’s no need to buy me silky lingerie for Valentine’s or our anniversary.”

But that was so long ago

Now I know

How nice a little of that could be.

I said, “I am quite self-confident and don’t need you to reassure me.

I’m an independent woman who doesn’t need a man to give her security.

And thank you, I can open my own doors. Enough with outdated chivalry!”

But that was so long ago

Now I know

How nice a little of that could be.

I said, “I don’t need you to hold my hand in public constantly.

And I don’t need that kind of movie kiss that lasts for eternity.

It just throws off my day if you call just to say that you love me; I know already.”

But that was so long ago

I think you should know

How nice a little of that could be

You needn’t overwhelm me; we can start out slow and just see.

A shared bubble bath, more kisses that last, daisies brought home with the groceries.

A slow dance in our living room after the kids fall asleep.

Now that I know

I want to show you

How nice it all could be.

Feel free to download the PDF for yourself and/or to share with others.

The post How Nice a Little Romance Could Be appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Have you heard of the orgasm gap? It refers to the difference in how often men versus women achieve orgasm.

Specifically, women don’t reach climax as often as men do. One 2018 study put it at 95% to 65%, while a more recent study suggested that lifetime orgasm rates ranged from 70% to 85% for men and 46% to 58% for women.” Regardless, that’s a 24–30% difference between men and women reaching the pinnacle of pleasure.

I, and many others, have spilled a fair amount of ink—not literally, but you get the point—addressing the disparity in sexual pleasure between men and women.

BUT that doesn’t mean men’s orgasms don’t matter. They matter a lot!

God Created Sex to Be Pleasurable

Declaring that sex should be highly pleasurable for wives shouldn’t take anything from husbands. Rather, husbands’ pleasure is important too. Not according to me, but according to God. Note these scriptures:

May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18–19

How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice!

Song of Songs 4:10

How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
    my love, with your delights!

Song of Songs 7:6

Part of that pleasure involves reaching climax. It’s not a necessary ingredient for every sexual encounter, but—if at all possible—it should happen more often not.

God created sex to involve climax, and not just for reproductive purposes. Orgasm releases several body chemicals that can make us feel more connected, committed, and satisfied with our spouse. That pleasurable moment can lead to longer-term benefits for your marriage.

Husbands Struggle with Orgasm Too

You’ve surely seen the erectile dysfunction ads. They typically feature older men, suggesting that struggles with erection and climax are mostly due to aging. But while it is true that older men struggle more, it’s not just them.

Most men at some in their life–and sometimes for most or all of their life—experience difficulty climaxing. Those men may think much like the wives who’ve had ongoing orgasm problems feel: that sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Or that they’ve been cheated.

Indeed, the inspiration for this blog post came from what one husband shared with me: “I have been married nearly 46 years and I still have trouble with [orgasm]. I have never understood why sex is supposed to be so good.” I hear you, good sir, and I’m sad that you’ve had such trouble.

So let’s address how male orgasm happens, what it feels like, and what to do if it doesn’t come easily for you.

What Happens with Male Orgasm?

Physiologically, speaking, a male orgasm involves:

• a brief but intense peak of subjective pleasure
• involuntary rhythmic contractions of the muscles around the penis and pelvis
• heightened sensation in the body, especially genitals
• narrowed attention and even alteration in consciousness

It typically also results in ejaculation, but orgasm and ejaculation are actually separate things. They usually occur together, but not always.

Not all climaxes are the same. For instance, while solo masturbation can produce more “rewarding” orgasms—think physical satisfaction—men report enjoying more intense orgasms within a sexual relationship. What makes an orgasm with his wife better than his hand? It’s experienced as more emotional, sensually intense, and intimate.[1]

This tracks completely with husbands who’ve reached out to tell me they don’t want to satisfy their urges through masturbation, even when a wife says, “Go ahead.” Sometimes they do it anyway (to take off the edge), but they would much rather have regular sexual intimacy with the woman they committed to and love. They want the emotional, sensual, and intimate orgasms.

Which brings me to what it feels like for him. You can find descriptions of what’s happening physiologically. Basically, something sexually stimulating triggers the brain’s emotional and desire centers (hypothalamus and limbic system), the nervous system sends messages to the penis to relax (yes, that is the penis’s relaxed state), and it fills with blood to become an erection. From there, it’s a matter of more stimulation, through rhythmic friction on or around the penis, until the orgasmic state is reached and ejaculation may happen as well.[2] How very clinical.

What Does Male Orgasm Feel Like?

Not being a man, I don’t know what orgasm feels like to him. But here’s how some men have described it.

• “A pressure builds and keeps building until you can’t hold it in anymore.”
• “Depending on the situation, it’s either a slow or quick buildup, followed by an insane explosion that lasts three to five seconds.”
• “It’s a joyful release of tension; not bad tension, positive tension.”
• “It’s like a whole body and mind numbness, where, for a few brief seconds, you strangely feel both helpless yet in complete control, mentally vacant while the entirety of your tactile sense rushes to a single point of exit.”
• “It’s like this climax that you’re passing on to someone else—this intense feeling that’s happening when you’re literally in another person. There’s nothing that makes me feel more vulnerable.”

When I read these descriptions, I was struck with how similar it sounds to the female experience. As you’re increasingly aroused, pressure builds and builds until you feel an “explosion” or “release of tension.” And you also experience a “whole body and mind numbness” that feels vulnerable and like sharing something special with your beloved.

It made me wonder what God is trying to say to us about the sexual relationship between husband and wife that represents His desire to connect with us. (See Ephesians 5:31–32.) Release, surrender, vulnerability, intimacy. Are these feelings we should have in our connection with Him?

Regardless, orgasm seems to be an enjoyable and intimate experience in marriage—one worth pursuing for both spouses when possible.

What to Do When Orgasm Isn’t Working?

Achieving orgasm can become more difficult as men age, but getting older is hardly the only time husbands experience orgasm difficulties. A number of issues can make it difficult to reach climax. Male orgasm problems include:

• Dry orgasm due to an enlarged prostate, sperm duct blockage, bladder or prostate surgery complications, certain medications, or other issues. Orgasm is still happening, but without ejaculate (which releases but tends to fall back into the bladder rather than eject from the penis), it may feel less satisfying or complete.
• Anorgasmia, which is the inability to orgasm, for any number of reasons including hypertension, diabetes, anxiety or depression, trauma, and stress.
• Premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, though strictly speaking, these are ejaculatory issues rather than orgasmic ones. Even so, they affect the male experience of orgasm.

What to do depends on what’s happening and the reason behind it. If the cause is physical, the treatment is often physical as well. For instance, if medications are causing orgasmic difficulties, then asking your doctor if there are alternatives might be the next step. Or you may not realize you’re having hypertension or experiencing Type 2 diabetes until you see a medical practitioner who gives you the right tests to discover the problem—both of which are treatable. This is why my advice to people is almost always to start with a visit to your healthcare provider. (See Struggling with Sex in Marriage? Here’s What To Do First.)

But sometimes, what you’re experiencing is psychosomatic. That word does not mean it’s all in your head! Rather, it means that something going on in your psyche—your mind and/or emotions—is having an effect on your body. Your symptoms are real, physical issues (such as an inability to climax), but the source is something like stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, or relationship problems. It could also be something like shame from pornography use or infidelity in your marriage. In this case, the answer is to address that underlying issue. You might benefit from seeking the help of a trained coach or counselor.

Another issue I’ve read and heard about quite often is men having trained their bodies to respond to extreme stimuli rather than regular sexual intimacy with a real-life woman. Experts coined the term pornography-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) to describe men who no longer experience satisfying sex with a partner because their brains have been rewired to desire porn (often harder and harder core) and self-stimulation.

The answer to this situation is to stop all sexual activity, let the body go through withdrawal and reset, and then reinitiate sex with the wife, who must be ready and willing before engagement, under very different circumstances. I don’t pretend to know all that should happen in this scenario, so I will simply point men to such resources as:

• Aldrich Ministries – unwanted sexual behaviors coaching
• Be Broken – overcoming pornography addiction or other unwanted sexual behaviors.
• XXXChurch – break porn habits, overcome shame, and adopt a healthy view of sex.
• Samson Society – an online community for men seeking healing from sex and porn addiction or unwanted behaviors.

What Does His Orgasm Mean to Her?

Sad to say, some wives aren’t that concerned about their husbands’ orgasms. Some have experienced emotional pain in this area, but others just don’t believe it’s that important. But for those wives who have a healthy relationship to sex—and if you don’t, please listen to our podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives—his orgasm is pretty great.

It indicates that he’s reached a pinnacle of pleasure. And sometimes—don’t count on it, but it can happen—his climactic spasms can trigger not only pleasure but climax for her.

That said, some wives feel they’ve met their own obligations or their desire for his satisfaction when he climaxes. And if he doesn’t reach climax, she can wonder if she’s a desirable or effective lover.

Husbands, please reassure your wives that your orgasm isn’t the only reason you’re there. Hey, I’m all for you reaching climax! But good-willed husbands tell me again and again that it’s the closeness with their wives that matters most. You may need to say that aloud to your lovely wife.

Wives, please remember that our hearts and bodies aren’t always aligned. He might have loved being naked, aroused, and intimate with you … yet somehow his body didn’t cooperate with climax. If you’re feeling let down by him not having that “explosion,” lean towards compassion. He might even be embarrassed that it didn’t happen, and your reassuring response could help him relax and feel ready for the next sexual encounter—when an orgasm might happily appear.

 Summing It All Up…

Husbands’ orgasms matter! I can say that without diminishing my call to close the orgasm gap for wives. In fact, drawing attention to husbands who struggle with climax can provide a touchpoint for us understanding one another better. Any spouse—male or female—should experience orgasm more often than not.

That’s a biblical perspective, which you can find in both 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 and Song of Songs. Husband and wife should both be interested in, engaged with, and satisfied by their sexual encounters.

If a husband isn’t experiencing or enjoying orgasm, maybe it’s time to ask why. That should likely start with a healthcare provider, but it might also involve looking into one’s history, present practices, and marital relationship, as well as reaching out to a trustworthy coach or counselor.

[1] Muñoz-García, L.E., Gómez-Berrocal, C. & Sierra, J.C. Evaluating the Subjective Orgasm Experience Through Sexual Context, Gender, and Sexual Orientation. Arch Sex Behav 52, 1479–1491 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02493-3

[2] Britt, Tabitha. “Male Orgasm: Physiology, Phases, Disorders, and Treatment.” Edited by Jamin Brahmbhatt. EverydayHealth.com, July 25, 2025. https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/the-male-orgasm.aspx.

The post Let’s Talk About Husbands’ Orgasms appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

One man I dated before meeting my wonderful husband told me about a scary incident from his childhood. He was nine years old, kicking around outside a neighborhood grocery store, and was grabbed by an adult man who pulled him to the back alley, yanked his pants down, and attempted to penetrate his anus. My friend told me that he’d never squeezed his butt cheeks so hard in all his life, and thankfully, something interrupted the would-be rapist and made him run off.

It was a traumatizing event. But sexual assault, abuse, and harassment happen every day, every hour, every minute … to boys.

That abuse takes its toll on the individual and on his marriage. Some of you are struggling right now with the consequences of a husband having been sexually abused—and you may or may not know it.

Was the husband in your marriage abused?

Men are much less likely to report sexual abuse and acknowledge its impact. They may have labeled what happened to them as unpleasant without realizing it rose to the level of abuse.* Some men don’t even recall what happened, their minds having blocked it out to keep them from dwelling on that horrible experience.

Thus, many husbands don’t admit to their wives, or even to themselves, that they were victims of sexual abuse. Or they downplay how it affected their sexuality. After all, if they are attracted to their wife and can complete the sex act, how bad could it be?

But not addressing past trauma means you’re probably missing out on having a better sex life than what you’ve known. And past abuse can lead to persistent pornography use, low sex drive or periodic performance issues, hypersexuality, tension and shame in the bedroom, and/or difficulty being emotionally vulnerable and intimate.

Sweeping past sexual abuse under the rug doesn’t make it disappear. It just makes a lump that can trip you (both) up.

If you’re curious about the things that happened to you, and whether they were simply difficult or perhaps abuse, a book like The Wounded Heart by Dan B. Allender could help.

How common is abuse of boys?

As with girls, abuse of boys is far too prevalent. Experts estimate that 1 in 6 boys will experience sexual abuse. I’m skeptical at times of statistics that get batted around, so I went digging for what went into that number. From the studies I found, it seems pretty solid.

Where there could be some debate is how we define sexual abuse. The 1-in-6 statistic describes it as “experiences in which children are subjected to unwanted sexual contact involving force, threats, or a large age difference between the child and the other person (which involves a big power differential and exploitation).” Sexual abuse can include fondling, penetration, exposure, forced masturbation, oral-to-genital contact, child pornography, or prostitution.

While my friend’s story involved a stranger, the vast majority of time, sexual abuse is perpetrated by a family member, friend, or acquaintance. And while the perpetrator is more often male, it can certainly be a female.

So if you were sexually abused as a boy, or if this is your husband’s story, you are (or he is) not alone. If that guy went to a men’s retreat with 50 guys, seven others present could relate. It’s awful that it’s so many! But it’s also good to realize that plenty of other men know what it was to go through awfulness … and you can help one another heal.

Are you ready to heal?

My father died 10 years ago, so I can’t confirm this, but I’m 99% convinced that he was sexually abused as a child. He had too many wounds in this area that make the most sense if he experienced that kind of trauma. But he never talked about it. He never got help. He had two marriages fall apart.

In contrast, I’m inspired by the story of Joe Buchanan, cohost of Behind Our Smiles. He and his wife Tara talk about marriage overall on their podcast, but he’s addressed the sexual abuse he experienced as a child, and Tara has spoken on our podcast about it (Helping Your Husband Heal – Sex Chat for Christian Wives). It took time, but he was able to speak honestly with his wife about what had happened and get the support he needed.

Many other men have discovered hope and healing. It’s not an easy road to walk, but it’s so much better than staying stuck. By getting help, making the effort, and staying with it, you’re taking a path toward sexual freedom and wholeness. And the sexual intimacy in your marriage could become deeper and more meaningful than ever.

One of my readers shared his own personal account of childhood sexual abuse and building something better with God’s help. I was originally going to link to that post (Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse: One Powerful Story), but when I rewatched the video and felt convicted that I needed to include it here. This man has been there and can speak better to other men than I can.

You may want to start by seeking outside help (such as trauma-informed counselors or mentors), or you may want to start by sharing with your wife that you were sexually abused. That depends on you and your circumstances. But you don’t have to dump everything at once. You can simply begin to tell your story, knowing that you can take your time to let it all come out. You’ll likely find compassion and support from your wife, who hurts for the little boy you were and wants you to be the man God created you to be. And God will be there to in the pit and the pain, ready to restore what’s been broken.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Looking for professional help? I highly recommend Brad Aldrich of Aldrich Ministries, who has worked with men in this area. And for more information on abuse of boys, here are some sources I found while researching this article:

• Support for Men Healing from Sexual Abuse | 1in6
• Get the Facts About Sexual Violence Against Men & Boys – RAINN
• Fact Sheet: Sexual Abuse of Boys | Prevent Child Abuse America
• Jim Hopper, Ph.D. | Statistics on Sexual Abuse of Boys
• Statistics on Child Abuse — GRACE

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