Like many of you, I’ve heard, seen, and read multiple articles about the alleged rape at Cornell University. In case you haven’t followed this story, the short version is that an inebriated woman attended a fraternity party, engaged with several men also under the influence, and ended up engaging in sexual encounters with several fraternity members—very likely without her full consent.

When the story was fresh, I considered hopping in with my perspective but thought better of it. I really don’t know all the facts of this case, the persons involved, or the legal parameters (consent is defined differently depending on jurisdiction). I defer to the authorities to decide whether rape occurred.

But after letting the issue settle for a bit, I decided that I can speak about this incident as an example of three problematic issues in our culture. So let’s look at those and how they impact our view of sexuality by God’s design.

Sex Isn’t Just Transactional

When I read the story of “Jane Doe,” my heart ached. She showed up at a frat party, agreed to a threesome, and later texted that “honestly i really like being w u and matt…. I don’t think we should feel any shame for the part. our body our choice.” Soon after, she realized that it wasn’t all her choice. She’d been far too intoxicated to agree to what happened.

Meanwhile, the frat boys shared texts that night with such stomach-churning messages as:

• Free p*$$y
• Like you can walk in and whip it out
• Shop still open?

We likely recoil from these messages, but let’s ask ourselves: How have we treated sex like a transaction?

Because that’s what everyone in this awful story seemed to have done. Jane Doe originally thought that sex was a feel-good interaction that only required consent, and the fraternity guys looked at her as an opportunity to have a good time. Did anyone consider sexual intimacy to be a more emotional—perhaps even spiritual—experience? It doesn’t seem like it.

Look, I’m not blaming the victim here! Simply imagine the Cornell scenario where everyone involved accepted that sex was a deeply spiritual and/or emotional experience. What would have happened? Certainly not the horrific event that occurred!

Our culture has failed both women and men by insisting that anything goes, as long as participants consent. We’ve minimized the intensity of physical intimacy by making sex seem transactional. She gets what she wants, he gets what he wants, and everyone leaves happy, right? No, not right.

We were made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), and our bodies should be treated with honor (1 Corinthians 6:19‑20). While there is give-and-take in a healthy marital relationship, sex was never meant to be transactional (see The Bad Plan of Bartering for Sex).

Our current culture promotes the idea that sex is about self-expression and pleasure, and in doing so, robs us of both. People end up pursuing selfishness and personal pleasure to the detriment of others.

Our current culture promotes the idea that sex is about self-expression and pleasure, and in doing so, robs us of both.

Few of us are likely to find ourselves in the circumstance of the Cornell students. Rather, let’s ask ourselves where we’ve fallen short of honoring our spouse. Where have we considered sex to be transactional rather than relational?

Take All Accusations Seriously

You may have heard of the hashtags #BelieveWomen or #BelieveAllWomen. I appreciate the goal, but I differ somewhat on the message. Mine would be #TakeAccusationsSeriously.

Men are not inherently worse than women, and I don’t put it past some women to, well, lie. I can conceive of instances where accusing a man of sexual harassment or assault would benefit a woman. At the same time, men perpetuate far more sexual crimes than women and we have looong history of ignoring women’s accurate reports of sexual harassment and assault. What’s the answer? Take all accusations seriously.

By the way, plenty of allegations not taken seriously involve a male accusing a man or woman of harassment or assault. We must take those seriously too!

Don’t assume that because you know Mr. X and he seems okay that he is not capable of horrific sexual violations. That’s how Jeffrey Epstein and Larry Nassar got away with their crimes. Pastors also get away with sexual abuse when we don’t take accusers’ reports seriously! One book I recommend on this topic is The Devil Inside: How My Minister Father Molested Kids In Our Home And Church For Decades And How I Finally Stopped Him by Jimmy Hinton.

But not every allegation is 100% true. That’s why we should take each seriously and investigate! Most research finds that 2–10% of rape allegations are false (though that’s arguable). That’s not a high number—which confirms take all allegations seriously, but if you’re one of the 2–10 men falsely accused of rape, that’s a big deal.

Not a single rapist should get away with his crime! But we need to investigate allegations to ensure that we’re not assuming guilt where it doesn’t exist.

As I write this, I think about readers who’ve experienced sexual assault. Maybe you struggle to call what you experienced rape. Maybe you’ve never told anyone about it, or you told someone and your allegation wasn’t taken seriously. It should have been. You should have received full-throttle support and had your story valued and confirmed! You should have received compassion and justice!

But a few readers have been erroneously accused of misconduct, and I feel for those people too.

TRUTH should be our guiding principle. And while I hope and pray that justice prevails on this side of Heaven, I want you to know that God sees, God knows, and God will deliver ultimate justice on your behalf. He loves you and will make things right in the end.

If you’ve experienced sexual trauma, please get help. Your story matters.

We’re in an Ongoing Fight

The way the world understands sexuality and the truth of God’s design are constantly at odds! I’ve read so many views about this case that miss the mark. I considered naming all the ways that news stories and commentaries have gone awry, but they are legion and the specifics are not the point. Rather, we need to all take a breath, step back from our preferred news sources, and reflect on what God has to say about all this.

So God created mankind in his own image,
    in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27

We all bear the image of God. That said, we live in this realm on a spectrum—following Christ, rejecting Him, actively pursing evil, and everything in between.

Rapists actively pursue evil and should be treated as such! But plenty of others do evil without aggressively attacking others. Some of you reading this now have looked at pornography in the past week—knowing that it’s not okay but also telling yourself that you’re not actually hurting anyone. Please, please recognize that you’re in an ongoing fight … and right now, you’re losing. That doesn’t say anything about you as a person. Plenty of heroes were backed into a corner before they found the courage to step out, oppose evil, and prevail! Many of them benefited from support from others (Marvel and DC Comics have superhero groups for a reason!).  

Daily, we’re bombarded with sexual temptation of various kinds. Not just pornography, but also erotica, porn-adjacent TV and movies, strip clubs, chat rooms, social media groups, and even sites masquerading as Christian sex resources while promoting unbiblical ideas.

I wonder how many erroneous sexual messages Jane Doe and, even more so, the Cornell fraternity brothers consumed before that fateful night. I guarantee you the number is not zero. I suspect it was an appalling amount of content opposed to what God designed sex to be.

What’s informing our view of sexuality? Is it God’s Word or other sources? Some of you know it’s more the latter. What will you do next?

Like many of you, I am heartsick—and sick to my stomach as well—by what happened at a frat house in Cornell in October 2024. But every single minute of every single day, God’s design for sexual intimacy is violated in some way or other. What are we doing to pursue His plan for sexual intimacy?

I don’t know what will happen with Jane Doe and her case, but I do know that God’s justice and mercy prevail in the long run. In the meantime, we must do our part, by embracing that:

1. Sex is more than transactional; it’s emotional and even spiritual.
2. All allegations of sexual abuse and harassment should be taken seriously and properly investigated.
3. We are in an ongoing fight, and if we’re not winning our personal battle with sexual temptation, we need to get help and support to get on God’s side.

The post What the Cornell Case Reminds Us About Sexuality appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Merriam-Webster defines foreplay as “erotic stimulation preceding sexual intercourse.” Others call it the lead-up to the main event.

But what if foreplay isn’t the precedent or the lead-up but the sweetest part of sexual intimacy in marriage? Or at least an equally good part?

Are You Focused on the Destination?

Intercourse and climax are worthy destinations! Both husbands and wives have shared that PIV (penis-in-vagina) penetration and orgasm are physically and emotionally satisfying aspects of sexual intimacy. And I’ve said a lot about the importance of those over the years.

But imagine having intercourse and climax in your marriage without the other stuff. Picture no affection, no flirting, no romance, no nonsexual touch, no sensual touch, no caressing body parts not required to engage in intercourse. Would you say that sexual contact is intimate? Of course not!

And if you related to that picture I just drew about no other stuff, it’s time to set some boundaries, talk to someone, and get help. That approach isn’t what God wants for you and your marriage.

Hooray for Anticipation!

Foreplay builds anticipation, which increases sexual satisfaction.

If I had you all in a room with your spouses, we could run an experiment. I’d say, “Everyone lean in for a kiss with your beloved but stop once you’re an inch or less away from one another’s lips.” Then I’d set a timer for several seconds or so and ask what your mind and body were feeling during those almost kissing moments. Some would report feeling awkward, but many would report their bodies buzzing with a desire to close that narrow gap. If you closed that gap after time was up, your kiss was likely a satisfying one.

Why? Anticipation.

Anticipation of a pleasurable event alters how we experience the event. Anticipation reduces anxiety, triggers heightened senses so that the experience is more vivid, and releases dopamine (the reward chemical) even before the reward arrives.

Engaging in foreplay—whether flirting, kissing, caressing, or something more intense—makes us anticipate intercourse and orgasm with a greater readiness and desire. And when sex finally occurs, it’s simply more satisfying.

Hooray for Exploration!

Foreplay (done well) involves exploration that builds connection.

How does your spouse like to be kissed? Touched? Fondled? Where do they like to be kissed? Touched? Caressed? When do they like to be… Okay, you get the point. The best way to learn what turns your beloved on is foreplay.

Approach foreplay as an opportunity to discover and appreciate who your spouse is. What words put a sparkle in their eyes? What sexy nickname or playful euphemism makes them smile? Do they enjoy cuddling or dancing together? Are their ears, neck, or nipples especially sensitive? What are their erogenous zones? How do they enjoy being massaged? Do they enjoy undressing, or being undressed, slowly? Do they enjoy manual stimulation or oral sex?

The answers to these—and many other—questions can be answered by trying out different modes of foreplay, asking for feedback, and adapting to your mate’s preferences. In doing so, you demonstrate interest in and honor for your spouse, come away with a better understanding of their sexuality, and help your spouse feel seen and loved. All of which lead to more emotional safety and deeper connection.

Hooray for Pleasure!

Foreplay provides deep pleasure all on its own.

God created sex to feel good to both husband and wife. He made our skin more sensitive, provided erogenous zones beyond our genitalia, and planted a desire in us to engage and touch in ways that arouse and excite us. And it’s interesting that He did this with humans in a different way than the animals He created.

In most animal species, foreplay tends to be about attracting a reproductive partner or preparing their bodies to mate. Yet, humans have a broader range of sexual activities that we can enjoy simply because they feel good. What a blessing!

Of course, if foreplay doesn’t feel good, return to point #2 up there—exploration. Figure out what feels good! And linger in that. Savor it. Value it for its own sake.

It’s a beautiful thing that we can bring pleasure to our spouse. Indeed, many husbands report that, as much as they enjoy sexual encounters for their own pleasure, they get more satisfaction seeing the pleasure they can give their wives. Many wives feel the same about their husbands.

So let’s lean into foreplay and the pleasure we can find there.

The Journey Matters as Much as the Destination.

You might think of other reasons why foreplay is well worth the time and effort in marriage. One other reason that came to my mind is that having a good foreplay repertoire prepares you well for times when intercourse is off the table, but other sexual activities are available that can keep you romantically and physically connected.

Speaking of activities, Juli Slattery of Authentic Intimacy notes that there’s a big difference between sexual activity and sexual intimacy. She’s 100% right!

Just getting the deed done isn’t enough to have a sexual intimacy in marriage. Rather, we should experience a good journey on our way to the destination of intercourse. That involves individual sexual wholeness, a healthy relationship, and enjoyable-for-both foreplay.

So three cheers for foreplay!

The post 3 Cheers for Foreplay! appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I wasn’t trying to become a Christian sex author and speaker. But as I explain in My Story:

God has had His hand on my sex life. I know where I’d be without Him. While some people’s faith testimonies are easily proclaimed in public, my biggest witness is not. How do I admit in the middle of a Bible class that my Amazing Grace moment should be sung “that saved a wench like me”?

You see, I had a premarital promiscuous past, and that baggage stuck with me for a long time. But God redeemed me, blessed my marriage with sexual intimacy, and sent me into conversations with wives about understanding sex as a gift. It became a calling, then a blog, and finally a ministry.

Sexual Baggage Is Inevitable

No one enters marriage without sexual baggage. For some, it’s like a backpack holding a few wrong messages about romance or men/women, mild body image issues, that sort of thing. For others, it’s a heavy trunk with the effects of past sexual trauma, childhood abuse, demand or force within a relationship, etc. Many of us fall in between those extremes.

But no matter who we are and what we experienced, we absorbed myths about ourselves, our partners, and sex itself that don’t align with God’s plan. How long it takes to work that out and what help you need depends on how much baggage you have.

Working that out, however, is a worthy goal! You likely have more than one piece of luggage, so you may need to take each in turn to get through to the other side. That other side being where God wants us to be—delighting in His gift of healthy and holy sexual intimacy.

About My Baggage

I dragged into my marriage multiple issues, including body image concerns, fear of abandonment, and especially guilt from the sexual encounters I had before my marriage. As I said, rather frankly, in My Story:

Through high school and college, I became a curious participant, then technical virgin, and finally slut.

In my mid-twenties, however, I realized how steeped I was in the negative consequences of handling this ever-so-serious business as flippantly as I would choose an ice cream flavor. I’d ponder for a while how far I’d go with a guy, but I never walked out of the store without getting a scoop of What-were-you-thinking!

But why did I do all that to begin with? Why was I such a “curious participant”? And why did I find it so difficult to stop doing what I didn’t really want to do? Why was promiscuity so appealing?

I’ve hinted at reasons before, but today, I’m ready to tell you a whole lot more. Why? Because everyone who might have been negatively affected by me openly sharing about my past is gone.

My father died 10 years ago, and my mother has advanced dementia such that I’m familiar and she enjoys seeing me, but she doesn’t know who I am. My parents’ siblings have all passed. And my oldest sister has severe dementia as well, due to strokes. Leaving just me and my other sister who supports me speaking up.

Why Some Women Sleep Around

I don’t speak for all women of course! But my tale is likely to be relatable for some wives out there. And that is why I’m telling it today. Perhaps my story will help you better identify yours and find your way to God’s redemption.

I grew up as a preacher’s kid, but what was presented to the world and what happened inside my house were quite different. To the congregation, my father was a jovial, compassionate man who spoke well, had a great sense of humor, and was enjoyable to be around. But at home, we walked on eggshells, not sure when the next explosion might occur. Yes, he could be jovial, humorous, and enjoyable. But he could also be critical, controlling, and cruel.

He abused my mother in ways that I cannot begin to describe. One mercy is that I never saw him hit her, but when I was in 8^th grade and my mom announced that she was leaving my dad because he’d beaten her, I didn’t bat an eye. It was in keeping with who I knew him to be.

My parents didn’t divorce (then). They reconciled. But when I reached my teens, I no longer wanted physical affection from the man who’d also lose his temper and scream at me, his red face inches from mine. I pulled away.

Meanwhile, when I reached puberty, I looked like a 13-year-old girl and that’s where my body stayed until I had kids. I had little-to-no breasts, a straight build, and not much on the backside either. My one saving grace was good legs! (Maybe because of marching band?) Plus, I was somewhat awkward, at least until high school. And by then, my body image was pretty solidified as “not attractive.” It didn’t help that both of my older sisters were gorgeous. By comparison, I felt like the ugly duckling.

So here I was, not getting male affection from my father anymore but still wanting it. Also, my sense was that guys would be seriously settling to pick me out of the available girls out there, so I needed an edge. Add to that a family and church atmosphere that took the attitude toward sex of DON’T: don’t do it, don’t talk about it, don’t even think about it. And being a curious person, that made me all the more interested.

Fooling around became my way of getting male attention, feeling better about my body, and satisfying my curiosity. But of course, that’s no way to build a relationship. Pretty soon, my sexual partner would lose interest and leave. Teenage Me responded by upping my willingness and, to be honest, working on my “skills.” If I could make it really good for him, he’d want me, right? He’d stay, right? He’d reassure me that I was worthy of his love, right?

You can see how this created a downward spiral. I’d get a guy, engage sexually with him, and eventually lose him. Sometimes, I broke up, but more often, I was rejected.

Enter fear of abandonment.

My luggage was stacking up.

Are You Tired of Dragging It Around?

We tend to grow tired of dragging our sexual baggage long before we’re ready to let it go. After all, while costing us in the long run, it often serves a short-term purpose.

When I slept with a guy, he almost always held me afterward. And that affection spoke to an empty place inside me that longed for comfort. Looking back, I see it as a glimpse of what God intended when you pursue His way. But done my own way, that comfort was fleeting. And left me feeling more hollow than before.

I made choices that led to my sexual baggage.

But some of you have baggage that wasn’t your choice at all. If you experienced trauma, you may have reacted in ways that helped you survive … yet don’t serve you well now. Still, you clutch it, unsure what would happen if you didn’t have that coping mechanism. Or maybe not knowing how to let go.

I lived with my burden for years and years. In fact, I leaned further and further into my bad choices. Once I crossed the line—aka “lost my virginity” (what a stupid phrase!)—I figured I was damaged goods anyway, so why bother trying to go back? My baggage just got heavier, until I felt smothered by it.

Where Does Healing Begin?

Jesus Christ invites us:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28–30

But it took me several times of going to Jesus to finally accept that He had it covered. I really could let it go. God forgave me long before I received His forgiveness. So if you’ve tried and tried but still feel the weight of your past, the heaviness of lies you believed, the guilt of your actions, try again. It worked for David. It worked for Peter. It worked for me.

And remember that you’re not alone. You may worry about being judged, but again, no one enters marriage without sexual baggage. No one. We’re also invited in Scripture to: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Although it was difficult to confess my promiscuous past, once I did, I received disapproval from a few fellow believers but support and encouragement from far more. Some found my authenticity refreshing and even inspiring. I broke the taboo by speaking about my experience with sex, and others came to see that we can and should talk about it. And that God has answers.

Those answers may include help from mature believers. I searched the scriptures to better understand God’s design for sex, but I also read books, watched a few video series, and had private conversations with trustworthy friends. I’ve also seen professional counselors through the years to process my family-of-origin issues and learn healthier approaches.

I’m still a work in process! But if you’d known J. Parker at age 22, you’d have NEVER guessed she’d have a ministry helping wives and couples pursue godly sexual intimacy in their marriages. If anything comes of my 16 years writing and speaking about sex, it’s this hope: God didn’t give up on me, and He won’t give up on you.

Jesus is the hero of your story. You walk into the Hotel of Marriage hauling a whole set of luggage carrying the lies, hurts, fears, and more that you picked up along the way, and He says, “Just go up to the room and relax. I’ll take care of these.”

We all have sexual baggage. Maybe it’s time to finally let go.

The post We All Have Sexual Baggage appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Today, I’m doing something different. I’ve been reading through old journals, came across one with a poem I wrote in 1998, and decided to share it with y’all!

Before You Read It…

A bit of background. I grew up with a domineering father and a conflict-avoidant mother who catered to him. I concluded early on that I didn’t want that kind of relationship! I wanted to be a strong woman who didn’t need a man. In fact, I didn’t even want a man. I simply wouldn’t get married.

While in college, I decided: Okay, maybe I’ll get married, but I’ll be very clear-headed about it all. No big romance. Companionship and passion, fine. But I didn’t much need the rest.

By the time I finished college, however, I was not married and totally over dating. No more men. No, thank you.

Enter my future husband. I really didn’t see it coming. I’d moved to a new city where I knew no one with the plan of doing my own thing without worrying about anyone else. And at the first church singles event I attended, I met a guy who looked familiar … and turned out to be my next-door neighbor. Eight months later, I married the boy next door. (More about our story here.)

Six years later, I wrote a poem in my journal that showed my shift from a desire to be entirely independent to a longing for interdependence. And a bit of romance now and again.

Why am I sharing it with y’all? For one thing, some of you may relate. But also, it could be worth sharing with your spouse to discuss what you really want in your marriage. Are there things you once said you didn’t care about, but now you do? What would be “nice” for you in your relationship today?

And Now, the Poem

I said, “I don’t need flowers or love songs sung to me.

You’d be wasting your time to write me lines of mushy poetry.

There’s no need to buy me silky lingerie for Valentine’s or our anniversary.”

But that was so long ago

Now I know

How nice a little of that could be.

I said, “I am quite self-confident and don’t need you to reassure me.

I’m an independent woman who doesn’t need a man to give her security.

And thank you, I can open my own doors. Enough with outdated chivalry!”

But that was so long ago

Now I know

How nice a little of that could be.

I said, “I don’t need you to hold my hand in public constantly.

And I don’t need that kind of movie kiss that lasts for eternity.

It just throws off my day if you call just to say that you love me; I know already.”

But that was so long ago

I think you should know

How nice a little of that could be

You needn’t overwhelm me; we can start out slow and just see.

A shared bubble bath, more kisses that last, daisies brought home with the groceries.

A slow dance in our living room after the kids fall asleep.

Now that I know

I want to show you

How nice it all could be.

Feel free to download the PDF for yourself and/or to share with others.

The post How Nice a Little Romance Could Be appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Have you heard of the orgasm gap? It refers to the difference in how often men versus women achieve orgasm.

Specifically, women don’t reach climax as often as men do. One 2018 study put it at 95% to 65%, while a more recent study suggested that lifetime orgasm rates ranged from 70% to 85% for men and 46% to 58% for women.” Regardless, that’s a 24–30% difference between men and women reaching the pinnacle of pleasure.

I, and many others, have spilled a fair amount of ink—not literally, but you get the point—addressing the disparity in sexual pleasure between men and women.

BUT that doesn’t mean men’s orgasms don’t matter. They matter a lot!

God Created Sex to Be Pleasurable

Declaring that sex should be highly pleasurable for wives shouldn’t take anything from husbands. Rather, husbands’ pleasure is important too. Not according to me, but according to God. Note these scriptures:

May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18–19

How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice!

Song of Songs 4:10

How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
    my love, with your delights!

Song of Songs 7:6

Part of that pleasure involves reaching climax. It’s not a necessary ingredient for every sexual encounter, but—if at all possible—it should happen more often not.

God created sex to involve climax, and not just for reproductive purposes. Orgasm releases several body chemicals that can make us feel more connected, committed, and satisfied with our spouse. That pleasurable moment can lead to longer-term benefits for your marriage.

Husbands Struggle with Orgasm Too

You’ve surely seen the erectile dysfunction ads. They typically feature older men, suggesting that struggles with erection and climax are mostly due to aging. But while it is true that older men struggle more, it’s not just them.

Most men at some in their life–and sometimes for most or all of their life—experience difficulty climaxing. Those men may think much like the wives who’ve had ongoing orgasm problems feel: that sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Or that they’ve been cheated.

Indeed, the inspiration for this blog post came from what one husband shared with me: “I have been married nearly 46 years and I still have trouble with [orgasm]. I have never understood why sex is supposed to be so good.” I hear you, good sir, and I’m sad that you’ve had such trouble.

So let’s address how male orgasm happens, what it feels like, and what to do if it doesn’t come easily for you.

What Happens with Male Orgasm?

Physiologically, speaking, a male orgasm involves:

• a brief but intense peak of subjective pleasure
• involuntary rhythmic contractions of the muscles around the penis and pelvis
• heightened sensation in the body, especially genitals
• narrowed attention and even alteration in consciousness

It typically also results in ejaculation, but orgasm and ejaculation are actually separate things. They usually occur together, but not always.

Not all climaxes are the same. For instance, while solo masturbation can produce more “rewarding” orgasms—think physical satisfaction—men report enjoying more intense orgasms within a sexual relationship. What makes an orgasm with his wife better than his hand? It’s experienced as more emotional, sensually intense, and intimate.[1]

This tracks completely with husbands who’ve reached out to tell me they don’t want to satisfy their urges through masturbation, even when a wife says, “Go ahead.” Sometimes they do it anyway (to take off the edge), but they would much rather have regular sexual intimacy with the woman they committed to and love. They want the emotional, sensual, and intimate orgasms.

Which brings me to what it feels like for him. You can find descriptions of what’s happening physiologically. Basically, something sexually stimulating triggers the brain’s emotional and desire centers (hypothalamus and limbic system), the nervous system sends messages to the penis to relax (yes, that is the penis’s relaxed state), and it fills with blood to become an erection. From there, it’s a matter of more stimulation, through rhythmic friction on or around the penis, until the orgasmic state is reached and ejaculation may happen as well.[2] How very clinical.

What Does Male Orgasm Feel Like?

Not being a man, I don’t know what orgasm feels like to him. But here’s how some men have described it.

• “A pressure builds and keeps building until you can’t hold it in anymore.”
• “Depending on the situation, it’s either a slow or quick buildup, followed by an insane explosion that lasts three to five seconds.”
• “It’s a joyful release of tension; not bad tension, positive tension.”
• “It’s like a whole body and mind numbness, where, for a few brief seconds, you strangely feel both helpless yet in complete control, mentally vacant while the entirety of your tactile sense rushes to a single point of exit.”
• “It’s like this climax that you’re passing on to someone else—this intense feeling that’s happening when you’re literally in another person. There’s nothing that makes me feel more vulnerable.”

When I read these descriptions, I was struck with how similar it sounds to the female experience. As you’re increasingly aroused, pressure builds and builds until you feel an “explosion” or “release of tension.” And you also experience a “whole body and mind numbness” that feels vulnerable and like sharing something special with your beloved.

It made me wonder what God is trying to say to us about the sexual relationship between husband and wife that represents His desire to connect with us. (See Ephesians 5:31–32.) Release, surrender, vulnerability, intimacy. Are these feelings we should have in our connection with Him?

Regardless, orgasm seems to be an enjoyable and intimate experience in marriage—one worth pursuing for both spouses when possible.

What to Do When Orgasm Isn’t Working?

Achieving orgasm can become more difficult as men age, but getting older is hardly the only time husbands experience orgasm difficulties. A number of issues can make it difficult to reach climax. Male orgasm problems include:

• Dry orgasm due to an enlarged prostate, sperm duct blockage, bladder or prostate surgery complications, certain medications, or other issues. Orgasm is still happening, but without ejaculate (which releases but tends to fall back into the bladder rather than eject from the penis), it may feel less satisfying or complete.
• Anorgasmia, which is the inability to orgasm, for any number of reasons including hypertension, diabetes, anxiety or depression, trauma, and stress.
• Premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, though strictly speaking, these are ejaculatory issues rather than orgasmic ones. Even so, they affect the male experience of orgasm.

What to do depends on what’s happening and the reason behind it. If the cause is physical, the treatment is often physical as well. For instance, if medications are causing orgasmic difficulties, then asking your doctor if there are alternatives might be the next step. Or you may not realize you’re having hypertension or experiencing Type 2 diabetes until you see a medical practitioner who gives you the right tests to discover the problem—both of which are treatable. This is why my advice to people is almost always to start with a visit to your healthcare provider. (See Struggling with Sex in Marriage? Here’s What To Do First.)

But sometimes, what you’re experiencing is psychosomatic. That word does not mean it’s all in your head! Rather, it means that something going on in your psyche—your mind and/or emotions—is having an effect on your body. Your symptoms are real, physical issues (such as an inability to climax), but the source is something like stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, or relationship problems. It could also be something like shame from pornography use or infidelity in your marriage. In this case, the answer is to address that underlying issue. You might benefit from seeking the help of a trained coach or counselor.

Another issue I’ve read and heard about quite often is men having trained their bodies to respond to extreme stimuli rather than regular sexual intimacy with a real-life woman. Experts coined the term pornography-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) to describe men who no longer experience satisfying sex with a partner because their brains have been rewired to desire porn (often harder and harder core) and self-stimulation.

The answer to this situation is to stop all sexual activity, let the body go through withdrawal and reset, and then reinitiate sex with the wife, who must be ready and willing before engagement, under very different circumstances. I don’t pretend to know all that should happen in this scenario, so I will simply point men to such resources as:

• Aldrich Ministries – unwanted sexual behaviors coaching
• Be Broken – overcoming pornography addiction or other unwanted sexual behaviors.
• XXXChurch – break porn habits, overcome shame, and adopt a healthy view of sex.
• Samson Society – an online community for men seeking healing from sex and porn addiction or unwanted behaviors.

What Does His Orgasm Mean to Her?

Sad to say, some wives aren’t that concerned about their husbands’ orgasms. Some have experienced emotional pain in this area, but others just don’t believe it’s that important. But for those wives who have a healthy relationship to sex—and if you don’t, please listen to our podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives—his orgasm is pretty great.

It indicates that he’s reached a pinnacle of pleasure. And sometimes—don’t count on it, but it can happen—his climactic spasms can trigger not only pleasure but climax for her.

That said, some wives feel they’ve met their own obligations or their desire for his satisfaction when he climaxes. And if he doesn’t reach climax, she can wonder if she’s a desirable or effective lover.

Husbands, please reassure your wives that your orgasm isn’t the only reason you’re there. Hey, I’m all for you reaching climax! But good-willed husbands tell me again and again that it’s the closeness with their wives that matters most. You may need to say that aloud to your lovely wife.

Wives, please remember that our hearts and bodies aren’t always aligned. He might have loved being naked, aroused, and intimate with you … yet somehow his body didn’t cooperate with climax. If you’re feeling let down by him not having that “explosion,” lean towards compassion. He might even be embarrassed that it didn’t happen, and your reassuring response could help him relax and feel ready for the next sexual encounter—when an orgasm might happily appear.

 Summing It All Up…

Husbands’ orgasms matter! I can say that without diminishing my call to close the orgasm gap for wives. In fact, drawing attention to husbands who struggle with climax can provide a touchpoint for us understanding one another better. Any spouse—male or female—should experience orgasm more often than not.

That’s a biblical perspective, which you can find in both 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 and Song of Songs. Husband and wife should both be interested in, engaged with, and satisfied by their sexual encounters.

If a husband isn’t experiencing or enjoying orgasm, maybe it’s time to ask why. That should likely start with a healthcare provider, but it might also involve looking into one’s history, present practices, and marital relationship, as well as reaching out to a trustworthy coach or counselor.

[1] Muñoz-García, L.E., Gómez-Berrocal, C. & Sierra, J.C. Evaluating the Subjective Orgasm Experience Through Sexual Context, Gender, and Sexual Orientation. Arch Sex Behav 52, 1479–1491 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02493-3

[2] Britt, Tabitha. “Male Orgasm: Physiology, Phases, Disorders, and Treatment.” Edited by Jamin Brahmbhatt. EverydayHealth.com, July 25, 2025. https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/the-male-orgasm.aspx.

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