From Genesis to Revelation, God makes it clear that His plan for sex is a husband and wife in a covenant marriage finding delight in one another and reflecting God’s longing for connection with us. If that’s His design, then why is it so difficult for many couples to realize? Why don’t men and women get hitched and immediately experience the depth and beauty of sexual intimacy as God intended?

Is Wonderful Sex Really God’s Will?

From the beginning, God wanted husband and wife to experience sexual intimacy:

And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“At last this is bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called ‘woman,’
Because she was taken out of man.”
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:22–25

One flesh—that’s some pretty heady stuff right there. If you’ve ever experienced sex as God meant it to be, you can conjure up a memory of when the distinction between you and your spouse got fuzzy. When you felt merged together, as if the sum of you was greater than your individual parts. You were, as Jesus later cited, “no longer two, but one flesh.” Christ finished that thought with: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:26).

Paul reiterated this in Ephesians 5:31–32: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

God’s Word also tells husbands to:

…rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18–19

And He made sure to include an entire book in the Bible (Song of Songs) that describes the physical intimacy between a husband and wife, with the wife speaking over half, and perhaps up to two-thirds, of the time about her desire for and enjoyment of their sexual relationship.

On top of that, the apostle Paul provided for mutuality in the sexual relationship (a novel idea in the culture of the time) with his description of how husband and wife should engage in sexual relations:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

1 Corinthians 7:3–4 (ESV)

Note: That verse is NOT about her owing him sex, but rather recognizes that desire can come from the husband or the wife, and sexual intimacy should be mutually desired and satisfying.

Given how the Bible cheers on married couples to have one-flesh, sensual, satisfying, and mutual sex, it seems pretty clear that our LORD gives that experience a hearty thumbs-up.

It’s a Broken World

In Genesis 2, it was male and female, one flesh, naked and unashamed … and one chapter later, the whole world fractures like a pecan in a nutcracker. What happened? S-I-N. Sin. It’s at that moment that humans feel shame, animals become predator and prey, and sinful nature takes hold. We are still made in God’s image! But a (well-deserved) curse reigns over the land and its creatures, us included. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, came to free us from that curse. And we are free indeed! But we don’t realize our full freedom this side of Heaven.

As guitarist and singer Prince said, “In this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld.” Tears for Fears’s lead singer and songwriter put it as: “It’s a very, very mad world.” (Amen, Curt Smith.) In this harder, mad world, we’re selfish and sinful, and we’re also victims of others’ selfishness and sinfulness.

Thus, we enter marriage with baggage from wrong messages, bad experiences, and personal trauma. Our spouses have their own issues that affect us—sometimes resulting in an unavailable spouse, an unfaithful spouse, or an abusive spouse (if that last one is your story, please get help). We aren’t enjoying what God has to offer because so many obstacles stand between us and Him.

And from 15+ years in this ministry, I’ve concluded that God doesn’t want us to have fantastic sex that blinds us to other problems we need to address. Yes, intimate sex can help us get through tough relational challenges, but physically exciting sex can keep us from seeing what we really need to see and relying on God the way we should.

Our brokenness can lead us to not experiencing what God has in store for us sexually, but God wants us to bring that brokenness to Him. He may choose to heal the whole relationship, or He may choose instead to simply heal us. Speaking of which…

Sex Is Not His Highest Priority

In the last few years, a whole lot has happened in my life. I won’t go into it, and rest assured, I’m fine. But I’ve had health issues, family issues, other issues, etc. that have thrown me off-kilter. Twice, I’ve followed my own advice to others about getting help when you need it and seen a therapist. Both times, the counselor has essentially said, “If you’re feeling like this is a lot, it’s because this is a lot.” No one issue has been overwhelming, but they’ve piled up at times and left me aching for a break already. Perhaps you can relate.

In the midst of all this, I received an email from a woman who’d written a Christian memoir about her experience of suffering. I get requests from time to time to review a book, and most of the time, I decline (subject not relevant, not enough time, etc.), but something pricked at me to say yes this time. Fast forward a year or so, and I not only read her book but started following her podcast, both titled Singing Through Fire. While I’d already tackled the problem of pain years ago, Laura Silverman’s resources have helped me to develop a deeper theology of suffering.

The truth is that God’s far less concerned about your sex life than your soul. The delight He most wants you to experience is not the awakening of all your senses in sexual excitement, or an amazing orgasm, or even the feeling that you and your beloved are “no longer two, but one flesh.” It’s our delight in Him.

“Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation” (Psalm 35:9).

“Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God” (Psalm 43:4).

“I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels” (Isaiah 61:10).

Sexual satisfaction in your current circumstances may be difficult for any number of reasons, but while God wants you to have a great sex life in your marriage, that’s not as important as your faithfulness and the growth God can bring in the midst of hardship.

He Wants Us to Grow Up

Years and years ago, a husband who called himself the Kentucky Colonel had a blog titled A Grown Up Marriage. He focused on treating your marriage and sexual intimacy as a mature Christian. Good point, KC. The apostle Peter encourages us to “crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good” (1 Peter 2:2–3), and the apostle Paul suggests “we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). God wants us to develop as His own son did, growing “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52). Okay, maybe some of us have lost a bit of stature in our older years, but the principle is the same: God will use whatever we encounter to challenge us to grow up—in Him.

Think about it like this: You’re at the grocery store checkout, and behind you is a weary parent with a whiny kid. Instead of countering the child’s self-centered demands, the parent gives in at every turn. “You want a candy bar? Okay, just one. Maybe two.” The child pleads again. “Fine, you can have three.” Then, there’s a pout and a pitiful cry. The parent sighs. “Just grab whatever you want and put it on the conveyor belt.” Pause. “Yes, yes, you can have ice cream later.” Will this approach help the child mature properly?

Obviously not. And God, our perfect Father, isn’t going to give us stuff that keeps us selfish and immature. You may be screaming at me now that intimate sex in marriage is nothing like tummy-ache-inducing candy bars! And I agree with you. But most parents find great pleasure in sharing treats with their children from time to time. They just don’t want it to be a demand, an expectation, an entitlement. I loved putting York peppermint patties in my son’s Easter eggs, but I also wanted them to be able to handle those times when their favorite candy wasn’t available.

We should be able to soak in God’s blessings! And also deal with life’s hardships. Some spouses I’ve heard from through the years could use a course in Sexual Adulting. Meaning that you don’t always get your way. And maybe God can help you grow through that challenge.

Eden Will Be Restored … But Not Yet

Speaking of growing up, when I was a kid, I got the message that when you died, you got something like wings, flew up to Heaven, and lived in some mysterious dimension until the End of Time … whereupon other Christians joined you in the harp-playing, perfect-pitch-singing eternal chorus.

I’ve got a different view of Heaven these days, and while I might be wrong about some particulars, I now believe God is in the business of restoration. He’s restoring our relationship with Him. He’s restoring our relationships with one another. He’s restoring Eden as He intended it to be:

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Revelation 22:1–5

Instead of whisking us away from this world, He’s repairing this world. In this new creation, we will be united not only wolf to lamb (Isaiah 11:6), but husband to wife. We will experience a new level of intimacy with God … and with each other. It will surpass what we’ve known on this broken earth. We (humans) will be the bride to God (our husband).

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

Revelation 22:2

It’s a hard pill to swallow for some of you, but if you don’t experience God’s plan for deep intimacy here in earth, you’ll get it in the next life. The eternal life. God, our husband, values intimacy and will deliver it to us when Eden is fully restored.

Yet Sex Is Spiritual

The longer I’ve been writing about sex in marriage, the more I believe that the sexual experience is imbued with spiritual significance. The enemy wants to twist sex into a self-centered, physical, use-your-partner event. But God created it to convey something about His creation and His purpose for them.

You won’t feel that spiritual weight every time you have sex. But the cumulative effect of an intimate sex life with your covenant spouse is to give you a glimpse of God’s desire for connection with you. What we feel in our bodies is what God wants to say about His desire for us.

But have you noticed that your relationship with God isn’t easy either? Judaism and Christianity both have a long tradition of wrestling with God. That doesn’t mean our faith is insufficient, but rather we feel free to share our doubts with God and listen for His answers. Anyone who has delved deeply into the reason for their faith has likely come across questions that plague them at night. Why? Because our human understanding falls short of God’s ways.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?

John 3:12

Once we realize that the point of sexual intimacy in marriage is not simply procreation or even connection between spouses—both God-approved goals!—but a compass pointing to God’s desire for intimacy with us, we can both recognize the importance of pursuing godly sexual intimacy in marriage and accept when it’s not simple.

God has many different paths to reach us. Many ways to show us what He wants from a relationship with us. Sexual intimacy in marriage is one. But God certainly reaches out to singles, widows, orphans, and many others. He uses what He can to draw us near.

Keep Pursuing Eden

All that said, we should keep pursuing Eden. If you go back and read the passages cited near the top of this article, you can see that God longs for us to experience what He intended for marriage and sexual intimacy. While not His highest priority, it is a priority—one we should share.

Taking that journey can help you grow in love, patience, kindness, goodness, and all the other fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22–23). Becoming more Christlike makes you not only a better person, but a better spouse and—when opportunity arises—a better lover. It may not be easy, but it is worth the effort.

The post Why Isn’t Sex in Marriage Easy? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

In my last post, 4 Sex Research Findings I Keep Coming Back To, I shared that I’m involved in a research study about married women’s sexual experiences and provided a link for wives to take our survey. And then, I found out the link wasn’t working. (Of course it wasn’t. Why should months of work culminate in everything going smoothly when we release the link? Sigh.)

Please Participate

If you were able to take the survey (the QR code presumably worked), thank you for doing that! If you tried but couldn’t reach it, the proper link is below. And if you didn’t click the link or scan the QR code, please do so! Here’s info about the study:

Regent University’s Cherish research team invites married adult women to take part in an important study on women’s thoughts and feelings around their sexual experience. Participation involves completing a confidential 20-minute online survey. Your privacy will be fully respected and you may choose to opt out at any point; if you choose to participate, more information will be given with regard to informed consent. Your responses will help shed light on an area of women’s health that is often underrepresented in research. By joining, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women. Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference. Please contact abigwi3@regent.edu if you have any questions.

A Few Notes About Research

Having reported on many studies, and now helping with a study, I’ve learned a lot about how research is conducted. In a prior post, I noted The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research. But here’s a short list of research considerations:

• Sample. Quality research involves a representative sample (unless it’s a case study, which is different). For instance, in the work I do here, findings of a study of committed couples are more relevant than one of single college students.
• Purpose. Studies ask a question and then attempt to answer it. However, most of the time, researchers don’t tell you the specific question(s) they’re looking into because sharing their hypotheses ahead of time could influence participants’ responses.
• Measurement. A key question is how to measure whatever the researchers are looking for. In sex studies, researchers typically have people engage in sexual activities in a lab or fill out questionnaires (obviously, more people would prefer to do the latter). To reach credible outcomes, a measurement should be valid and reliable; that is, it measures what it says it measures and produces the same results when repeated under similar conditions.
  • Note: Some research uses more than one questionnaire previously established as valid and reliable, and the questionnaires may overlap. While it can feel weird to answer similar questions more than once, researchers usually can’t remove “repeats” because that would affect the validity and reliability of their findings.
• Confidentiality. Researchers should always tell you how the information you provide will be used and lay out how your private details will be protected.
• Institutional Review. Well-respected research normally goes through an institutional review process, meaning those conducting the study submit the why and how of their research to an expert board to make sure everything’s on the up and up. If the board finds any problems, they can and should request changes.
• Participants’ Rights. Participants should have the right to opt out at any time and also be made aware of where and how to report any concerns or complaints.

If you want to know more about how research involving humans should unfold, check out the US Department of Health & Human Services page About Research Participation. The World Health Organization also has information about conducting human research ethically.

One More Time

If you’re willing, wives, please take 20 minutes and complete our survey. Here are the link and QR code again. Thank you!

The post A Call to Wives to Help Our Research (w/an updated link) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Plenty of Christians proclaim a strong belief, read the Word of God, and try to live godly lives. However, when it comes to the bedroom, we may be tempted to base our beliefs on traditional viewpoints about sex, our gut feelings about the issue, or secular teachings about sexuality.

Let’s look at each of these.

The Way It’s Been Done

I’ve got nothing against tradition per se. If something has been successfully done a certain way for a number of years, we should take notice that we may want to do the same. That’s the basis of the Book of Proverbs—godly people sharing hard-earned wisdom. However, our traditions can get off kilter. After all, Jesus was on a constant mission to rid His people of traditions that didn’t make sense and led to undue burden.

I hear this at times from people who are uncomfortable with Christians talking about sex or advocating things like different positions or oral sex. Or from those who want to stick with the message that men like sex more than women do instead of realizing that women can want and enjoy sex too. It comes from those who continue to promote problematic purity culture messages despite the harm many have reported from this approach.

The basis of their objections seems to be tradition—that traditionally sex was hush-hush, primarily for procreation, a wife’s duty rather than her pleasure, and that maintaining virginity until marriage largely determined one’s sexual worth (especially women). These people likely wouldn’t describe their views as such, but tradition plays a huge part in how they view sex and what they’re comfortable with. To them, anything outside of that realm seems distasteful or even anathema. “Why can’t we do things how we’ve always done them?”

What I Feel in My Gut

I could easily stand on my soapbox and rant about all of the nice-sounding but somewhat ridiculous sayings our society has spread. Such non-gems as “follow your heart” (see Jeremiah 17:9; Mark 7:21-22), “do what feels right” (see Proverbs 14:12; 16:25), and “be true to yourself” (see Luke 9:23; 1 Corinthians 10:24). It’s a common belief in our society that our minds, hearts, and guts will clue us into the right decisions—that if only we’ll listen to the still voice inside us, we’ll know what’s right.

Sometimes, we even cover our Christian tracks by talking about “having peace” about something — which is fine if your peace is entirely in line with God’s will, but we can misinterpret as well. (“There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.” Proverbs 14:12)

Of course, we can train ourselves through study of the Bible, time with God and His people, and prayer to have more godly discernment. However, our guts can still get things wrong at times. After all, the apostle Paul’s gut told him to go preach in Bithynia, but he was wrong; an angel had to point him in the right direction of Macedonia (Acts 16:7-10).

Look at All We Now Know About Sex!

The secular world has exploded with information and advice about sexuality. Not to mention aids and products to assist our arousal and satisfaction. Certainly, there are good research studies, quality advice, and helpful aids for marital intimacy. However, there are many horrible ideas and suspect recommendations. It’s fairly easy to spot the horrible stuff, but not as obvious when a suggestion trumpeted by secular society is subtly bad—undermining God’s plan for sexual intimacy or causing damage over a long period of time.

I’ve been disheartened by a few Christian authors and speakers who address sexual intimacy in a way that gives far more credence to psychology and human sexuality experts than their faith. Perhaps lip service is paid to biblical teachings, but as long as something isn’t strictly, word-by-word, forbidden in the Scripture, not much Bible study is involved and sexual experts are taken as the definitive voice.

I’m not arguing with responsible Christians who differ with me, or others, on particular points. I’m simply contrasting those who look at the world through a biblical lens, and those who look at the Bible through a world lens.

The Right Foundation: God, the Creator of Sex 

God reveals His plan and purpose in His Word—through direct teachings on marriage and sexuality and through instruction on how to honor Him and treat others well.

It took me a long time to realize the importance of starting with God’s truth. When I was sexually sinning prior to my marriage, I was a believer who rationalized my choices. I applied my beliefs to the Bible, not the other way around. Since then, I have time and time again seen the wisdom of setting God’s Word as the foundation for my life, including sexual intimacy.

My interpretation and someone else’s can differ on various theological and practical points, so we may not always reach the same conclusion. However, those who begin with God as their foundation will look first for answers in His Word, they will apply biblical principles to the marriage bed, they will align their sex lives with Christianity and proclaim the Gospel even in the marital bedroom. In doing so, they will reap the rewards of having sown good seeds.

Likely, their sexuality will reflect God’s intention for their lives, their spouses will feel their Christ-centered love, and their marriages will be better for having taken the higher, narrower road.

[This article was originally published on May 14, 2014 but has been edited and updated.]

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I love sex the way God created it to be. I love what sex says about our Creator and our marriage covenant. I love sex with my husband. But there are things I hate about sex. Specifically…

How Much Satan Distorts Sex

While raising my sons, I often told them: “Satan can’t create anything. He can only distort what God created.” And boy, has Satan done that with sex!

God intended sex to nurture and express intimacy between husband and wife, but Satan uses sex to promote false versions of intimacy. From premarital sex to serial partners to erotica to pornography and more, he sets people up to believe that you can have the feelings of intimacy without commitment, personal growth, and mutual submission.

I experienced it myself when I engaged in premarital promiscuity. I longed for the acceptance and affection of a man, and I got it—after I had sex with him. But it was counterfeit. It lasted for a short time and left me feeling as empty as, or even emptier than, before.

Perhaps you’ve known a phony version of intimacy. It might be that porn actress that seemed to accept you just as you are, or that one-night stand that made you feel desirable, or that emotional affair you’re carrying on in a chat room or on social media that no one else knows about. But you know. You know it’s not what you really want. It’s a distortion of what God designed.

And I hate that Satan has taken what God intended to be good and twisted it into something that hurts God’s children so much.

What I Hate About Sex: "I hate that Satan has taken what God intended to be good and twisted it into something that hurts God's children so much."
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How Much the Church Has Gotten Wrong About Sex

The number of times someone has told me how the Church messed up their view of sex is staggering. I still believe the Church has not been as bad as the world in this regard, but given that we should be So Much Better, our failures stand out like neon signs warning folks we’re not trustworthy.

Our infractions range from bad messaging to enabling sexual abuse, and while I certainly don’t equate the extremes, we have, as the scripture says, fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). As believers, we have the truth about sex. We should know what it’s supposed to look like.

And yet, I get messages from women who were told that submission requires putting up with sexual oppression by their husbands, from spouses who were sexually assaulted or harassed by church members, from individuals who are struggling to move beyond shame dumped on them as part of Purity Culture, and from couples advised by pastors or Christian counselors that no sex in a marriage isn’t a problem. While the Church has done better in recent years, we have a long, long way to go to get the topic of sex right.

I hate that the Church has messed up so much, because it means we’ve messed up people. And in sinning against them, we have sinned against God (see Psalm 51) and undermined the Gospel. How many have left our fold or not come in at all because we didn’t honor God’s children regarding their sexuality and desire for true intimacy?

How Some Use Sex as a Weapon

God planted in us a deep longing for intimacy, and one way that can be experienced is through sex according to His design. But that longing also makes us vulnerable in a broken world to becoming a predator or a victim. While sexual assault, childhood molestation, and harassment can easily be identified as falling into that paradigm—and dear God, I ache for those who’ve been through that—sex is weaponized in many other contexts as well.

Withholders may avoid sex to punish their spouse for real-but-small or perceived slights or to barter for what they want in other areas of marriage. They may enjoy the control it gives them over the whole marriage to be the gatekeeper of all sexual contact.*

Pursuers may avoid other intimate activities unless they get the sex they want or demand a certain frequency or particular activities as what they’re “owed” by their mate. They may consider a missed sexual encounter a sin against them and hold a grudge against their spouse.

And then, there are those who claim that marital rape isn’t real; that is, that when you say “I Do,” you’re agreeing to any sexual encounter your spouse wants, when they want it, where they want it, how they want it. That attitude weaponizes sex against a fellow child of God who was also given free will.

Worst of all, too many spouses use Scripture to justify their weaponization of sex. As I’ve said before, the Bible is not your bludgeon (3 More Principles Christians Should Affirm About Sex). Please don’t pull a verse out of context, cite it to your spouse, and attempt to use it as a pressure tactic to get what you want. As I noted in that same post:

The Word of God definitely has something to say about what sex should look like, as well as what we owe each other within marriage. But the Bible is God’s love letter to you—not His edict against your spouse. The primary goal of reading Bible passages should be applying them to our own sin-filled lives.

What then does one hope to gain by pulling out scriptures and hurling them at our spouse? Is it our defense mechanism? Are we lashing out to make our spouse feel pain like we’ve felt? Or do we simply expect our spouse to hurt so much they’ll change to avoid more of it? Even if that were to happen, how would that improve your overall intimacy?

Yes, I hate sex being weaponized against others and how much we’ve accepted and even promoted such weaponization.

*Note: There are good reasons for not wanting sex in marriage. You can find more about that in 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex and other posts on my site.

How We Compartmentalize It

I hate how we compartmentalize sex. Both the secular world and the Church have too often treated sex like this side gig we’ve got going on that doesn’t impact the rest of our selves. You can find both pornographers and professing Christians who convey that sex is just a physical act and/or what goes on between consenting adults should have few boundaries. That is not what God created sex to be! Nor is that our experience when you take an honest look at the fallout of that perspective. We instinctively know sex means more.

Christians have also diminished the importance of our sexuality by calling it sin or only preaching about the sin side of sex. Through Church history, many viewed sex as an act of the flesh with the idea that we should be pursuing acts of the Spirit instead (despite that not being what God’s Word teaches). And then, there’s simply our discomfort of bringing God into our sex life; we say we want Him in our life, but not in our bedroom.

One of the points I often make when I’m speaking is that many spiritual aspects of ourselves are expressed through these bodies God gave us. In Matthew 25:31–46, Jesus praises those who feed the hungry, clothe the stranger, or visit the sick or imprisoned. How are those not physical acts that express a godly heart? And Jesus Himself healed through His words and His hands. What the Bible teaches is that we must not be overcome by sinful fleshly desires, but that we must integrate our bodies with pure hearts, renewed minds, and spirit-filled souls.

But we keep compartmentalizing sex and missing out on what God had in mind.

The Sex I Love

Obviously, I don’t hate sex. But I do hate how it’s been misused in so many ways, and I hate the injury that has done to so many hearts and souls. I wish every one of you was experiencing the kind of sex God designed for us to have.

Of course, I don’t think anyone achieves perfection in the sexual arena. No matter how holy and healthy your sexual intimacy with your spouse, we’ll still have challenges because this world is broken. However, many challenges can be overcome, and sex in marriage can thrive. But ONLY if we pursue the one-flesh sex God created.

Let’s hate what our Creator hates and love what He loves.

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When I first started this ministry (over 13 years ago!), there were few resources available for Christians wanting sex advice that was both biblical and practical. Yes, they existed, and I’m so grateful to those forerunners! But given the need, the supply wasn’t nearly enough. Nowadays, I can point to resources that provide quality information and wisdom for fostering healthy and holy sexual intimacy in marriage.

And yet, local churches have typically lagged behind in this area. Some marriage ministries will cover the topic, at least for a class or two, but most churchgoers won’t hear a sermon on sex. And if they do, it’s more likely about avoiding sexual sin than building a God-honoring sex life in marriage. Just where the need and opportunity are greatest, we fall short.

Rather than attack the Church for not doing better, my goal is to encourage and empower those on the “front lines” to engage with their parishioners in positive ways, thus building stronger marriages, stronger families, and stronger congregations. So let’s talk about it.

Churches Speaking Boldly

My husband and I recently settled into a new church, and you can probably imagine my excitement when the preacher stood up one Sunday and his sermon title, displayed on the big screen, included the word “sexual.” Yay, this church felt comfortable going there! And indeed, it was a great sermon about sexual integrity that didn’t mince words and reflected Scripture (2 Peter 2 and Jude, specifically). I can’t imagine a sermon like that being preached when I was growing up … or in my 20s or in my 30s.

And my church is hardly the only one. I can name several preachers who have addressed God’s design for sexuality from the pulpit (or stage) on Sunday morning. While I’m sure they get pushback, the vast majority of people appreciate the church speaking into an area that they struggle with in their lives. Sometimes, it’s a matter of getting past the hump of that first, and maybe second, awkward sermon. Once congregants realize this is something we can talk about because God talks about it, most acclimate to it being mentioned as part of a life lived well in Christ.

After all, marriage reflects our relationship with our Lord (Isaiah 54:5, Ephesians 5:31-32).

But it doesn’t have to happen in Sunday mornings if a church isn’t ready for it, and it shouldn’t happen there exclusively. Rather, marriage ministries can incorporate more content about sexual integrity and intimacy, through classes, special speakers, and conferences or retreats. Church libraries can stock quality Christian books about sex and let people know they’re there. (Hey, I will send your church library FREE books if you’re in the contiguous US and email me the request!). Churches can provide counseling services through their own congregation or underwriting Christian therapists to help couples who need counseling about sexual issues in their marriage (see One Way Churches Could Really Help Marriages).

Women’s ministries and men’s ministries can get involved as well. I’ve spoken at several women’s events, and my content has always been well-received. MOPS groups also welcome real-life insights on how to make sexual intimacy work while raising children and beyond. Other women, including Julie Sibert and Ruth Buezis, have presented to these audiences. Meanwhile, men’s ministries often address pornography use or other sexual sins, and support groups for men have proliferated in the last several years.

To all those churches addressing sex well, or even just starting to address it at all, THANK YOU! Sex isn’t everything, of course, but it is something—something God clearly cares about because it’s addressed throughout His Word.

Churches Speaking Barely

Many churches have good reasons why they don’t address sex much. The most common one I hear is criticism from the congregation.

• “That’s not an appropriate topic.”
• “My children shouldn’t learn that word in church.”
• “You should stick to preaching the Gospel.”
• “We shouldn’t be sex-obsessed like the world.”
• “Sex is about having children, nothing else.”

Yes, ministers hear such things from their members, often with harsh tones and even threats to quit the church if it continues. Sometimes members don’t have to say anything; the minister just knows addressing sex from the pulpit or even a class would not go over well with certain people. Anticipating an earful and worse, they stay silent on the topic or resolve to deal with the subject of sex on a couple-by-couple basis.

Other times, ministers don’t feel qualified to talk about sex, either because they don’t have sufficient knowledge or wisdom in that area or because their own sex lives aren’t great. Maybe they’ve struggled with pornography or sexual intimacy in their marriage is tepid at best. Without having figured it out themselves, how can they teach others?

Still others can’t figure out when and where to talk about sex. If children are in the Sunday service, they don’t want to deliver a sermon that might stir curiosity too early. (“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, 8:4.) Bible classes or small groups may involve both singles and marrieds, and they worry about having relevant messages for each. The structures and calendar of their church don’t easily allow a quality conversation about the topic, so they just don’t incorporate it.

While I feel compassion for these situations, the problem is that Christians are struggling in this area. God has answers, and we need to equip ourselves to deliver them and figure out how/when to make it happen. In fact, if you read the New Testament letters, it’s amazing how often the authors provide instruction about sexuality. Rather than shying away from it, they leaned into the topic, knowing that it mattered. And it wasn’t just about avoiding sexual sin, but having healthy, “one flesh” marriages.

As noted before, we have more good Christian resources about sex than ever before. If a ministry or church staff don’t feel qualified to teach on this, they can invite qualified guests to speak and/or go through a book or course about married sex. They can start with an event outside church to help people get used to the idea, such as a marriage retreat or home-based small group. Once you have others on board, it’s easier to get the full congregation to support other efforts to encourage godly sexual intimacy.

Churches Speaking Badly

Sadly, for every church doing a wonderful job addressing sex, I hear of at least two churches speaking badly on the topic. These are congregations that don’t avoid the topic, but instead teach erroneous or even dangerous messages about sex in marriage. Stated plainly or implied, they promote such myths as:

• Husbands need sex, and wives owe it to them.
• If a wife doesn’t give her husband sex, she’s (mostly or partly) responsible when he cheats/uses porn.
• All husbands want sex more than their wives.
• Sex is a transaction: he gets sex, she gets romance or conversation.
• If you stayed pure until your wedding night, you’ll be rewarded with great sex.
• Spouses can never say no to sex or they are “depriving one another,” according to 1 Corinthians 7.
• Spouses in sexless marriages should just put up with it, because sex isn’t that important to God.

Recognize any of those?

While I expect many of my readers to have encountered those messages somewhere in their past, I’m still astounded to discover they are widely taught today. As much as I want churches to speak up about sex, those who speak unbiblically should heed the age-old advice that if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

Not that they can’t ever say anything about sex. Christians are called to speak where God speaks! And He does speak about sexual integrity and intimacy. But we get into big trouble when we say things God never said and put burdens on God’s people that He never intended them to carry. Matthew 23:4 warns about church leaders who “crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden” (NLT), and in Matthew 22:29, Jesus warned, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.”

James 3:1 puts it plainly: “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.” (Believe me, I take that verse very seriously.) If we desire to teach, we must learn what the Scriptures actually say and always remain open to correction.

If you haven’t deeply studied the Bible for what it says about sex—apart from what you heard or learned elsewhere before—then it’s time to revisit the whole counsel of God. And if you studied a while back, you should probably go back through Scripture to see what’s there, having (hopefully) grown in the last several years in your faith and understanding.

If you’re in a church that teaches myths about sex, ask the leaders about their viewpoints, where they got them, and how they interpret certain scriptures. Be genuinely curious, rather than critical, and open up a dialogue about what the Bible truly says about sex. You could also volunteer to teach a marriage class that reflects what God truly says about sex in marriage–including redemption from past sin, the importance of mutuality, and what love and respect look like in the bedroom. Sometimes, when one person steps up and says the right things, those hungry for that message flock to it and change the perspective of the whole body.

Churches Speaking Biblically

I celebrate the progress so many Christians, book publishers, and churches have made in addressing the topic of sex more authentically, helpfully, and especially biblically! If you’ve been involved in that, give yourself a pat on the back. If you know others who have, pat them on the back.

But let’s not stop there. We’ve come a long way, but we have a long way to go!

Of course, our calling will never go away. God summons every generation, every church, every individual to be faithful in spreading His truth in love. Meanwhile, Satan and his forces continue to attack in the area of sexuality, perhaps because it is a place of such vulnerability and intimacy. In this life, we will never be completely free from sexual temptation, struggle, and sin, but we can make a difference in the lives of so many by speaking biblically about sex. May the church pursue righteousness, boldness, and God’s truth in the area of sexuality.

If you’re interested in having me speak at an event, please contact me! This is one of my favorite things to do, and I have well-developed presentations for both wives and couples. I’m eager to help churches in whatever way I can.

The post The Church on Sex: We’re Not There, But We’re Doing Better appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.