Tag Archives: date night

Does Your Husband Stink at Romance? Mine too.

Thus far, I’ve only identified myself as “J” — anonymous Christian sex blogger living somewhere in the United States with a husband and family. But I have decided that it is time to reveal something personal about myself — something about my family. I want to tell you about my husband.

Well, not so much tell you about my husband as tell you who he is. So brace yourself, hold your breath, because here he is — the man to whom I am married:

Live long and prosper.

My husband actually has a different name, but the personality is pretty much the same. I am married to Spock. It’s all about what is LOGICAL.

Bringing your wife flowers for no reason is not logical. Buying expensive jewelry because it’s pretty is not logical. Telling her that she’s beautiful today when you already said it last week is not logical.

I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one married to someone who just doesn’t “get it” when it comes to beauty, spontaneity, and going the extra mile for a big gesture of love. So how do you get a guy like this to engage in romance in your marriage?

Here’s what I’ve learned from my marriage to a Vulcan:

Take the lead. It does not occur to my husband to create a romantic environment for date night or lovemaking. Since I am the one who craves romance more — although he enjoys it — I merely take it upon myself to set the scene. I light the candles, I turn on the music, I pour the bubble bath, or whatever. Putting forth a little effort can create an atmosphere where the only instruction left is “Simply Add Water Hubby.”

Ask for romance. I need to hear that I am beautiful, that my husband desires me, that he loves me. Sometimes he forgets that. I used to be hurt by the omission. But after several years of marriage, I realized that my husband doesn’t gush about his mother either, and she is downright heroic to him.

Rather than feeling injured by his inattention, I invite his attention. For instance, I can put on my sexy nightie or nudie and ask, “So what do you think?” Or say, “You know what I like about your body?” and go through a list, followed by “What do you like about mine?”  I have now opened the floor for him to express what I need to hear.

Establish routines. I had a friend whose husband’s lack of affection was hurting her feelings. She finally told him, “I need you to kiss me before you leave for work and kiss me when you get home.” It became their routine. Was it forced at first? Yeah, a little. But now it’s something they both enjoy — a romantic tradition.

Routines can be great for both of you. Demanding lots of spontaneous romance from a non-romantic guy is like mounting a Mount Everest expedition with a few Kit-Kat bars in your pack; don’t get your hopes up. Asking your honey to introduce a romantic routine into your relationship, though, is predictable and tangible — something he can put on a to-do list and check off. Perhaps the routine is a kiss or a hug at a certain time. Perhaps he takes on planning a date or a vacation for the two of you on a special day each year (giving him plenty of time to prepare). Perhaps the routine is that he undresses you in particular way, noting as he goes all the beautiful parts of your body. Just make the romantic tradition something achievable for him and enjoyable to you.

Remember your hubby loves you. When your best friend tells you how her romantic hubby swept her off her feet with a surprise trip to a mountain cabin where he cooked her favorite meal, serenaded her with his guitar, and sprinkled the bed with rose petals before making love to her, you may wonder why your husband doesn’t love you like that.

While I encourage husbands to up their game when it comes to the romance department, some guys are amazing at it and some guys aren’t. Whether he has natural wooing talent is not related to how much he loves you.

Plenty of non-romantic guys would respond to “Do you love your wife?” with an unequivocal “Of course.” In fact, it isn’t logical to Mr. Spock to restate the obvious over and over. So ask your husband to tell you and to show you, and when he follows through, remember that he is outside his comfort zone in expressing the love for you that is well within his comfort zone. He loves you like crazy; he just needs cues to know how to demonstrate that love.

Enjoy the surprises. Because my guy isn’t a hard-core romantic, I revel in those times when he goes above and beyond. For a recent birthday, my husband wrote me a love poem. A love poem! If you knew this guy — which you do if you ever watched the original Star Trek — you’d know how big a deal that is. I was on Cloud 9½ for the next month.

We wives should all enjoy the romance our husbands bring to marriage, but when it’s not your guy’s thing, those moments are super-sweet. Instead of thinking, “I wish he would do this more often,” just enjoy the moment. Bask in it. Know how hard it was for him to make that effort, and how much that means he loves you.

For the hubbies reading this post, make the effort. Go the extra mile. Woo your wife. If you don’t know what to do, ask your sister or her sister; ask a group of female co-workers what they like from their hubbies; seek ideas online (The Romantic Vineyard and The Generous Wife have date night suggestions).

For you Trekkies, here’s proof that even Spock can be romantic (from “All Our Yesterdays”).

Meanwhile, wives, do what you can to introduce the romance you want into your marriage. Your husband likely won’t be as romantic as the hunk in the latest chick flick romance. He doesn’t have a screenwriting team to come up with all of that for him. He’s on his own. So help him out.

I can honestly say from my life with Spock that melding minds is far outweighed by melding hearts when we make the extra effort. (Plus, aren’t those pointy ears kind of cute?)

Movies to Inspire Romance

Sometimes we need a little inspiration to get our romantic fervor going. While we want to engage in a love connection with our spouse, the daily doldrums can distract us from concentrating fully on God’s gift of marital bliss.

My first suggestion would be to read the Song of Solomon (also known as the Song of Songs) from the Bible. It is amazing that God has ensured that this book remains in His Holy Word, as it is a celebration of married love and intimacy.

But if you’re looking for a date night in, try watching a romantic movie together and see if you don’t get a bit inspired to delight in your spouse’s body and soul. I have a few recommendations listed below.

I tried to avoid the usual “chick flicks” that the gals would love but that turn men’s stomachs. If you want to kill the mood between you and hubby, suggest that he give up two hours of perfectly good sports-viewing time to watch a tear-jerker film in which the namby-pamby man woos his woman with flowers, poems, and lengthy “communication.” Try something that both of you will enjoy instead!

Don Juan DeMarco (1994, PG-13). Starring Marlon Brando, Johnny Depp, and Faye Dunaway, this film tells the story of a young man who believes himself to be the greatest lover in the world, Don Juan, and the psychiatrist who is tasked to cure him. The plot of Don Juan and his romantic escapades is humorous, but the great story here is between Brando and Dunaway as husband and wife rekindling their own romance.

Fireproof (2008, PG). A firefighter knows how to save lives, but can he save his failing marriage? He takes a 40-day challenge called The Love Dare to try to turn things around. This film was made by Sherwood Pictures, a ministry of Sherwood Baptist Church, and stars Kirk Cameron in the lead role. I highly recommend this movie.

It Happened One Night (1934). This is a classic film with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert in which a reporter helps a spoiled heiress running from her family. He’s looking for a big story but manages to get something much more.

 

A Knight’s Tale (2001, PG-13). The brilliance of this film is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. A commoner fakes knighthood to win the tournament prize and the heart of his dream gal. The best part of this movie may be Paul Bettany, who turns in an amazing performance as Chaucer. Heath Ledger plays the faux knight.

 

Ladyhawke (1985, PG-13). A couple cursed to spend their lives close together yet worlds apart come in contact with a thief who might be able to help them break the spell. This fantasy tale appeals to both men and women. Rutger Hauer, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Matthew Broderick star.

 

The Mummy (1999, PG-13). An English librarian working in Egypt, played by Rachel Weisz, wishes to find the ancient city of Hamunaptra. She enlists the help of an American in the French foreign legion, played by Brendan Frasier, and they accidentally awaken a mummy at the archaeological dig. Yes, there are some creepy parts, but a sweet romance as well.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003, PG-13). A blacksmith, Will Turner, wishes to save his love from undead pirates. He enlists the help of the unorthodox Jack Sparrow, a former colleague of the pirates. Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightly go against the villainous Geoffrey Rush.

 

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981, PG).This film is on my Top 10 list. Indiana Jones is an archaeologist tasked with finding the Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis do. He enlists the help of former girlfriend, Marian Ravenwood, who is tough in her own right. Starring Harrison Ford and Karen Black and directed by Steven Spielberg.

 

Romancing the Stone (1984, PG). Kathleen Turner stars as romance novelist Joan Wilder, who writes about adventures but has yet to live any. When her sister falls into trouble in Columbia, Wilder is forced to come to her rescue and hire a rough-edged scoundrel, played by Michael Douglas, to help her. Guess what happens?

 

The Quiet Man (1952, TV-G). John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara star in this movie about a former boxer from America who falls in love with a girl in Ireland and faces down his demons to be the man he needs to be. If you’re having trouble getting your husband to watch a romantic film, surely the words “John Wayne” would reel him in!

 

While You Were Sleeping (1995, PG). A lonely young woman fosters a crush on a handsome businessman she sees every day while collecting subway tolls. When he falls into a coma, she is mistaken for his girlfriend and thrust into the arms of his family. She must decide whether her dream guy is who she really wants or if someone less obvious has captured her heart instead.

I chose only films rated G, PG, or PG-13. Some of the above films, however, have language, violence, etc. Moreover, not all sexual relationships occur within marriage; if I could convince Hollywood to change that tomorrow, I would!

If you wish to check the content beforehand, you can get information on most movies through the websites from Focus on the Family’s Plugged In or Common Sense Media. If you want more Movie Night ideas, check out suggestions from The Generous Wife and her readers HERE. These aren’t specifically romantic, but there are some great films mentioned.

Do you have any suggestions to add to my list?